Trust That They Suck

Here’s a problem people new to this infidelity shit get stuck on all the time — they don’t really trust that their cheater sucks.

They pine. They spackle. They remember the good times. They spend a lot of time in therapist’s offices trying to “untangle the skein of fuckupedness.” They wonder what they did to make this person cheat on them. They wonder why their shared life together wasn’t enough.

Trust that they suck.

When you romanticize all the fabulous things they are doing with their fuckbuddy? The lingerie she bought to show him? The stuff she does in bed that she never did with you? The trip he took her on (probably to a place you went to together).  And you imagine all the wonderful, sexy, good times you are missing out on?

Trust that they suck.

The holidays are especially rough. Especially a holiday like Christmas that’s centered around gift giving. Oh, the OW gets diamond earrings and I get a lump of coal and a giant legal bill? Splendid. Thanks. You may miss those holiday traditions you shared with your cheater, or with their family. Everyone gathered around the hearth, in handknit snowflake sweaters, crooning Christmas carols and eating exquisite marzipan chocolates…(No, it’s probably nothing like that, but the pain of exclusion can play tricks on the mind.)

Trust that they suck. And their family probably sucks too.

We have all these carefully crafted excuses for why they don’t really suck. They’re having a midlife crisis. This isn’t the REAL them. The real them will be coming out of the “fog” and will recommit soon!

Trust that they suck.

Cheaters suck. A person who betrayed you and endangered your health and well-being and your children’s? They suck! A person who is so selfish as to eat cake and fuck around on the side? They suck! When you internalize that they suck, and realize you are pining for a flaming dog turd? Then you will heal.

Why would you pine for a flaming dog turd?

1. You’re human and you’re grieving. We bond. That’s what loving people do. It’s hard to put a shared life into reverse and detach. Grief takes time, and you usually flounder through all the steps, denial, bargaining, anger, before you get to flaming dog turd acceptance.

2. Narcissists (and cheating is narcissism) are really good at projecting that they’re all that and a bag of chips. They were sparkly, and you know how great it is when they sparkle. You fell for it, so it’s natural that someone else would too. The affair partner hasn’t discovered the full magnitude of the cheater’s suckitude yet (look how long it took you), but oh, they will.

The best salesmen and charlatans excel at creating an air of exclusivity. I have something very special to offer you. Are you elite enough to be worthy? They want you to want what they have. They would love for you to do the humiliating dance of pick me and fight to be worthy. It’s part of the mindfuck you’ve been living under, to which the best antidote is reality. Mr/s Sparkle betrayed you. They’ll do anything for an ego kibble. Anything. They aren’t exclusive. They’re slutty.

3. At some level you’ve bought into the idea that this is best you can do. Trust that YOU don’t suck. Part of this is on you, chumps. Trust that you deserve better. That this isn’t your lot in life to pick from the reject pile of humanity. Yes, we’re all God’s children and in some way flawed. This isn’t about acceptance and unconditional love. Adult love comes with conditions — conditions like your partner should not act in ways to actively harm you. Conditions like mutuality and respect. It’s okay to have deal breakers. Your cheater is not the be all and end all. There are other, much better people out there deserving of your time and attention and love. Go find them!

And leave the cheaters to doing what they do best — sucking.

 

 

Comments

  1. Liberty says

    Chump, I love you, very deeply.
    Please can you change your other name to Trixie or something? Anything but T****.
    Feckin go girl!
    XXX

  2. Laurel says

    I don’t know if anyone is still reading this thread or not, but for those who think it was ONLY “one,” that is rarely, rarely the case. First of all, there IS no “only.” Words like “only,” “just,” “a couple” (a couple hundred?) are the loaded words of a serial cheater. They will ONLY confess to what it is that they think that you know and no more. If you find chat, it was ONLY chat– not in person. (wrong) Or sometimes, it was ONLY chat– JUST flirting, no online sex. (wrong)
    Fact: Studies have shown that men who chat and cyber sex online are far more likely to have IN PERSON AFFAIRS than those who don’t.
    and the culprit here is porn. Porn turns into desire and the “ol’ ball and chain” is always so tired, I’ll JUST get on yahoo and see what little tart wants to wake up my wick. so, so, fucking easy and from there… they are gonzo.
    BTW, cheaters very, very often LIE and tell their victims that they are single. clues can be you don’t really know where he lives or where he works. But, some are very slick with elaborate stories of bi-coastal EMPIRES.

    suckorrific!

    This brings me to a question that maybe CL can address, (if you see this) Well, actually its two points and if you’ve already covered this than great and if not, then here are my questions for you.

    Is a man who is otherwise a good husband, father, bread-winner, trash dumper, who’s spending say 10-15 hours a week or even one or two, a cheater? I say yes, for several reasons, but I’d love to hear your take on that.

    Two, my husband had at least one woman that he used as a confidante. She was an ex fuck buddy from 30 years earlier and lives half-way across the world. (very safe distance). Finding their emails of intimate confessions about his OTHER LIFE, traumatized me perhaps even more than the discoveries of the in person affairs. BTW, it was ONLY once or ONLY a few times, or “it wasn’t what you think.” “it wasn’t easy.”

    YES, he said that it wasn’t easy to fuck his 29 years younger, albeit “fat and homely and with lupus” fuckbuddy.

    He also confessed that he lusts after virtually every woman he sees.

    So, sorry for the digression, but that latter constitutes an emotional affair. no sex. (well, that I know of) but the betrayal hurt me deeply.

    I was right there for him. always. (well, always before D-day #1) but I was still there. He could’ve turned his life around. But then again, maybe he couldn’t. Okay… he’s a flaming turd. 27 years down the drain…

  3. Laurel says

    jesus. I should proof-read BEFORE i hit reply. I left out the word PORN in my first question.

    hmmmmmmmmm… very telling, ain’t it. I was so traumatized, I fucking blocked it all out.

    the second question which I never really spat out is: Are emotional affairs considered cheating and an offshoot of that is: is your spouse allowed to have friends of the opposite sex and not include you. My h did this all the time. In fact, one (a married sex therapist)– very cute, petite blond who had cleavage for DAYS, would phone and ask for him straight away. No, “Hi Laurel, how are you… is Fucktard home?”

  4. Tallula says

    Thank you, from the bottom of my heart Chump Lady. The moment my H told me he had been cheating on me, I knew I would leave him. That he chose when I was changing our 2 year old’s diapers to let me in on this, and that he had actually cheated on me many, many times is an even better indication of his wonderfulness. When I get wobbly in my choice to divorce this man with a 2 & 4 year old, while 23 weeks pregnant, I come here. To shore up my resolve. To stop spackling, stop clinging to the old idea that he actually cares about me. You really have been a lighthouse in the storm. Someone who understands, who has been there…and still says GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. says

    I need to read this every day. “Trust that they suck.” When I start to think of him being all happy with the OW, I have to “Trust that they suck”. Thank you CL.

  6. Karen says

    I have to read this often, as well, because it is easy to forget how badly they suck! This, and my ‘100 reasons I don’t want him back’ doc (only took a couple of months of ocassional additions to get up to 97 DIFFERENT items!).

    It also helps me that all our ‘couple and family’ friends think he sucks, are coldy polite when they run into him (and he didn’t have any friends of his own). And even much of my ex’s family thinks he sucks. He has 3 siblings, all super pissed off at him and not in contact w/him. The relationship w/them was already rocky because he already sucked before fucking around (negative, critical, boring), but his affair was really the last straw. His ex-step-mother can’t bear to be in touch w/him any more. His mom still talks to him because … she’s his mom. But he avoids talking to her, I don’t know if it’s shame or not being able to admit he’s really unhappy, after everything he’s done. And his dad still talks to him – but he’s the one the ex learned violence and infidelity from! Of course, his dad is even more self-centered than he is, so it’s never been a really satisfying relationship. So this summer I’m taking the kids to visit HIS mother and siblings, ’cause the kids don’t want to travel w/him, they don’t know (at least overtly) about the infidelity, but they know he sucks in other ways.

    He sucks, and I’m not the only one who sees it! I imagine even the OW will figure it out at some point – poor her!

    • says

      Karen – sounds similar to mine. My mother in law actually lives right next door to my parents (and in fact rents from them). She is disgusted by my husband’s behavior. Yeah, you suck if your own mother is embarrassed and appalled by what you’ve done. What a douchebag.

      • Karen says

        That’s gotta be satisfying, Kay! The guy’s own mother … what a loser he is!

        When I was very young and very foolish and very in love, I married an alcoholic. Took me a few years to figure out how much and how often and how persistently he drank, a few more to use the fencepost on hope, but after I left, his mother said to me; ‘I love my son, but you did the right thing’. Very reassuring.

  7. says

    I just had to reread this post. I just saw my husband out riding motorcycles with his girlfriend. First time I’ve seen them together. Luckily I don’t think my 6 and 8 year old kids saw them. They don’t know Daddy left because of another woman. I hate him with a white hot passion but it still made me sick to my stomach. I must trust that he sucks. Better her than me.

    • Karen says

      Just the fact that they do this shit when they’ve got kids to raise, kids who love them and count on them … that is TOTALLY proof that they suck! GOOD people make every effort to make their marriages work when there are kids, and if they have to give up, they do it HONESTLY.

      We are grown-ups, we took our chances in getting into these relationships. Our kids had no choice. KILLS ME!

  8. merry says

    I have really enjoyed the wisdom that comes from this sight. I wondered if I could ask a question that I cannot answer. Is every cheater a Narcissist or a BPD? My husband cheated but doesn’t seem to fit the mold as I see described here for N or BPD. I guess I am wondering if there are other categories of cheaters besides those that have personality disorders. If I had to guess I would say my husband might have an addiction to sex. He had always thrived on adrenaline, adventure and enjoys living life to the fullest. He is a pilot and that seems to go along with his personality as well. I would really appreciate any input you all might have.
    I may have posted this in the wrong place but am not sure about how to navigate this site just yet so forgive me!

    • jinx says

      He sounds like a classic N to me. He’s a pilot and I’m sure everyone knows it. He’s has big balls cause he’s a legal bad boy. I can almost see his swagger. Mine was top notch in the business world and bragged about his business conquest. One woman isn’t good enough. It’s ok to have a little extra, after all he deserves it!

  9. Learobjakedrew says

    He sucks, he sucks, he sucks. It’s not a MLC it’s not narcism. It not me not being nice enough, sexy enough or exciting enough.
    He sucks.

  10. chuck says

    This is definitely the hardest time to think that they suck. With Christmas coming fast and as a chump husband still getting to pay for the honor of being cheated on it can be hard to remember that THEY suck and not you. When you hear they may be going to a chalet in Gatlinburg over the break and your kids mention that they have cable and the internet when they visit Mom and her boyfriend. That they get to go out to eat everytime or realizing how cool the presents under the tree at their house will be and how bare bones it will be here it is hard to remember. This is not how I thought my life would go………Oh well, I’ll go back to remembering that even if I spent 17 years as chump I am not evil

    • NorthernLight says

      Hang in there. Your kids will know you love them and that you are a good, honest person who has their best interests at heart.

      And in a few more weeks it will be 2014 and hopefully 2014 will be infinitely better for all of us.

      • 13YEARCHUMP says

        Hi Chuck. I feel your pain. Kids are wiser than u think… They will one day see beyond the spackle and know you love them. Remember she sucks! Reclaim your life, find happiness in your self & remember living well is the best revenge!

  11. jinx says

    Yes he sucks and so does his family. He is spending Christmas with his parents so that he can bask in a house were his aging parents literally can’t stand each other, but I’m sure his mother will manage to throw a few digs in my direction. When I look at pics of him, I see an old fart who tried to take me down the tubes with him.

    He is dull, boring, mean, and his looks have long faded. There was nothing the other women did better than me….except lick his ass. I am happy, no ecstatic and look forward to my future. I feel like Bruce Willis’ character in “Death Become’s Her.” I have hope and dreams with every new day!

  12. Diana L says

    I’ve been noticing headlines at the grocery store recently – Tori Spelling has been betrayed by her husband. Is he a sex addict? Does he have a “love” child?

    Spelling met her “soul mate” when he was married with two kids and they busted up the marriage.

    Sometime karma works.

  13. blue says

    How do I reconcile the fact that my XH seemed so sweet, caring, self-sacrificing, idealistic and a really good person when I met him over 20 years ago back in college? However, there were already hints of something amiss–a “pathologically close” (his words) relationship with his mom and older sister, who both disliked every girl XH ever went out with (including me) and seemed very possessive of him, and autogynephilia (a tendency to be sexually aroused by the thought of being female, wearing women’s clothing, undergoing sex reassignment).

    After we got married, I was surprised by his angry outbursts. I felt that he became much more cynical, stressed, career-focused, moody and angry than he was as a college student. It was the XH I met during college that I fell in love with, but he never fully reappeared during our marriage.

    Also, it’s hard to reconcile XH’s behavior with his “good guy” image. He doesn’t appear to be a sleazy, smooth type of guy. He’s the kind of guy that people instantly like and trust, who will say, “he’s a really good guy.” Sometimes I thought of him as Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde. I guess he saved his Mr. Hyde for me and the home, but it all depended upon what happened at work–sometimes he was in a great, generous mood; other times he would be snappy and blame me for everything. So hard to predict, which is why I found myself avoiding him.

    Will he change and be the good, happy guy for his next OW? He said he has learned his lesson. I’m afraid he will be this great, loving, caring, wonderful boyfriend/husband to his next OW and have a great, happy life with her. I know this shouldn’t be my concern, but it does bother me. Last year, he kept on saying that I was interfering with his happiness, that marriage was me with miserable and that he needed to be free, but when I filed for divorce, then he kept on saying he was miserable without me.

    • Hawk says

      blue, He will be the same way with her. Like other chumps have said, he will behave better in the beginning to get her hooked and then his true colors will show at home. She will be in the same situation that you were in while he keeps up his nice guy appearance to the outside world. None of his shit has anything to do with you. You didn’t cause it, you can’t fix it, and he really does suck.

  14. Nila says

    I don’t know how you all do this. I read this blog often just to keep my confidence from sinking. I live in India where family is everything. If I leave the cheating husband, my daughter and I will become an outcast in all social circles. I have the maturity to deal with it but I dont think my 13 year old daughter has it. It is so complicated here.

    • trying2fly says

      Hi Nila, is moving overseas an option or somewhere far? He’ll I don’t know what I’m talking about, I can’t even drench up the courage to leave my effn lying cheating husband *hugs*

  15. Nicole says

    I cannot re-read this enough. Every. Week. I keep hoping it sticks – hoping I’ll remember to trust that he sucks, but I waver on it so frequently. I hope I get tired of feeling this way soon. Tired of feeling like they are sharing the life I thought we were sharing. Tired of caring about someone who didn’t care enough about me to honor a damn thing. I am so thankful this blog and the book exist for me to refer to. One of these days, I will trust that he sucks.

  16. Laurel says

    Bede, I think a lot of us chumps do suffer from some degree of low self-esteem. I have battled this my entire life. I felt ugly and worthless as a child. I was teased and ridiculed. My father would beat me up. Some how, I was a late bloomer and turned into a beautiful woman, but it still catches me by surprise.

    As for us sucking as an EXCUSE. ha! sure. sure. we had an argument, now he is FREE TO GO OUT AND FUCK HALF THE EASTERN SEABOARD. There are ALWAYS alternatives. Like actually FUCKING talking to your spouse.

    example:

    “honey, when you said, that I had a bush growing out of my nose and that I should cut my nose hairs, it made me feel angry and like punching your face in.”

    Me: Oh, I’m sorry, its just that it makes me wanna throw up. Is there a better way that I can ask you, so you won’t feel demeaned?

    Him: just hand me the scissors. I’ll get the message.

    point being. THERE IS NO EXCUSE. and a husband, like mine who turned it into a lifestyle… keeping at least 2 on the side and constantly looking for fresh pussy…

    we NEVER have the entire story. where there’s smoke there’s fire. If a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, does it still make a noise?

    YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  17. 13YEARCHUMP says

    People that cheat are bad people. Period! I wasted 13 years believing my STBEX was a better person underneath the cheating! Big fat lie! Chumplady..spent all of lady tear reading dozens of blogs on cheating & dozens & dozens of books… Yours is the only one which is true to reality!

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