Infidelity Valentine’s Contest

valentineAre you sick of all the treacly candy hearts and pink teddy bears out and about this time of year? Valentine’s Day can sometimes be a painful reminder that other people are happily coupled up and you’re the kid with the empty shoebox, awaiting the classroom Valentine that never comes.

There’s no cure for it, except February 15… but don’t be blue! In honor of the holiday of love, send Chump Lady your cheater valentines!

Now’s the time to take out your creative frustrations in the form of a haiku or limerick devoted to your cheater. Best submission wins a “meh” travel mug (or other mug of your choice). Post your entries here in the comment section, or email them to me at Chump Lady

A haiku is five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables. A limerick is five lines with the rhyming scheme (AABBA). Don’t send me lugubrious free form verse or sonnets. (Ode to My Divorce Retainer…) I want short and funny and snarky. Give a fellow chump a laugh.

Here, I will demonstrate:

There once was an OW named Denise
Her hair was worse than her teeth
Yellow dentures and wig
She resembled a pig
Or a convict on early release

Reconciliation
Unicorn so sad
Secret cell phone found

You can do this chumps! Snark away! The winner will be announced on Valentine’s Day, Thursday, February 14, 2013 and I will draw a cartoon to go with the winning submission. You can submit as many entries as you want to.

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215 Comments
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Dani
Dani
11 years ago

Oh man… this is going to be good!

Rose
Rose
11 years ago

Cheater, cheater you cakeeater.
You had a lovely wife, but did not to heed her.
You banged a wannabe cougar.
That makes you a loser.
Life without you is now so much sweeter!

Dani
Dani
11 years ago
Reply to  Rose

So awesome!

Rose
Rose
11 years ago

Whoops! Delete the word “to” in second line! 🙂

MovingOn
MovingOn
11 years ago

Her hair is red,
You made me blue,
We must stay NC
so I don’t say, “Fuck you.”

Named for Vera
Named for Vera
11 years ago

Dr. Shannon had an itch
got my wasband for to skritch
found he loved it!
got some more!

Now I have shown him the door.

mark
mark
11 years ago

cheater good bye
go fuck off and die
i wont cry

MovingOn
MovingOn
11 years ago

Thought you were so smart
Sneaking off for kibble time
Thanks for the divorce

skatergirl
skatergirl
11 years ago

a brazen lady named Mo
had sex with my ex like a pro
bored, forced to partake
he loved his new cake
So my lawyer just took all his dough

Baci
Baci
11 years ago
Reply to  skatergirl

YES!

Baci
Baci
11 years ago

I come from a land down under
Where my wife cheated, she’s a runner
IT’S CHAINSAW MAN and I’ve dumped her
Bloody hell, it makes you wonder

Arnold
Arnold
11 years ago

I married a girl from Nantucket…..

Sara8
Sara8
11 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Now thinking of her makes Arnold want to barf in a bucket.

Baci
Baci
11 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

And she fear dumkim treated me like a puppet

Baci
Baci
11 years ago

My wife took her lover to New York
Where she ran in a race and played with his pork sword
It wasn’t too long before they were caught
With not too much forethought
They’ll end up with naught

Dawn
Dawn
11 years ago

Behold the smug smirk of the cheater,
Who sucks hard like a bottom feeder,
Why only pick one,
When scores are more fun,
He desires to be a cake eater.

Dawn
Dawn
11 years ago

So husband spent all of our monies
to pick up street hooker bunnies
With revulsion, I see
With children I flee,
I hope his dick gets the burning runnies.

Dani
Dani
11 years ago
Reply to  Dawn

Brilliant!

Dawn
Dawn
11 years ago

His ego was something to behold,
Admire the cheating man-ho!
His sparkle so bright!
His charm, just right!
Alas, he was a lump of fool’s gold.

Dawn
Dawn
11 years ago

How could I ever say no?
The horny goat was ready to go.
With cul-de-sac hair,
and a gut out to there,
*BARF*, you can have him, ho’s.

Man, I’m having way too much fun with these. 🙂

Dawn
Dawn
11 years ago

Behold the king of the castle,
Where all must submit as his vassals,
He who must be appeased,
You cannot disagree,
He really is just an asshole.

Dawn
Dawn
11 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

These are like cathartic therapy sessions! I’ve never written one before, but I couldn’t sleep last night for all the limericks bouncing in my head. 🙂 It’s nice to laugh over something so painful.

Janet
Janet
11 years ago
Reply to  Dawn

you are really quite good at this I am enjoying all the posts so much. LOL CL you have your work cut out for you.

Baci
Baci
11 years ago
Reply to  Dawn

Need a like button

Dawn
Dawn
11 years ago

To me, you were thumbing your nose,
while you were busy banging your ho’s.
Getting your “dessert”,
you ugly pervert,
I’ll make sure everyone knows.

Sarati
Sarati
11 years ago
Reply to  Dawn

YES!

Sad in Seattle
Sad in Seattle
11 years ago
Reply to  Sarati

My favourite one! Awesome!

Dawn
Dawn
11 years ago

You are working late again,
but who am I to complain?
It’s for the family, you say
but in reality, we pay
the ultimate price in pain.

Dawn
Dawn
11 years ago

Seeing all your deceptions and plans
with no morals on which to stand,
I hope you enjoy
living life as a boy
’cause you’ll never be a real man.

Anne
Anne
11 years ago
Reply to  Dawn

To the point and so true!!!

Dani
Dani
11 years ago
Reply to  Anne

Preach!

Dawn
Dawn
11 years ago

Serial cheaters fill us with dread.
How can we keep them from our beds?
How many lives would be saved
from being with the depraved
if we could tattoo a red “A” on their heads?

Dawn
Dawn
11 years ago

Such a glamorous life you’ve got.
What are all those weeping red spots?
Is it fun keeping tabs
on your population of crabs
as you treat your spreading crotch rot?

Dawn
Dawn
11 years ago

You’re sorry now that you’re caught.
But your protests are all for naught.
Like a donkey you bray
that you want to stay,
but good morals are inherent, not taught!

Anne
Anne
11 years ago

“He will cheat on you also”, I said.
At least now I can go to bed…
And not worry 🙂

Nord
Nord
11 years ago

There once was a man named Ex
Who really, really liked to have sex
He fucked anyone willing
And they bought what he was schilling
And that’s when I put on a hex

skatergirl
skatergirl
11 years ago

Off to therapy they went
Anguished chump and the “oh so sorry” gent
When she realized with a start
He was STILL bedding his tart
Empowered chump he could no longer torment

Dani
Dani
11 years ago
Reply to  skatergirl

YES!

skatergirl
skatergirl
11 years ago

Life after cheater
Is infinitely sweeter
I sleep soundly at night
No fear of gaslight
And the ho has to feed the cake eater!

skatergirl
skatergirl
11 years ago

Sports car cologne cliche
Popping viagra for mistress foreplay
Our marriage was fraught
From complications this wrought
Does the girlfriend style his toupee?

ThatGirl
ThatGirl
11 years ago

You are a habitual liar
Raising my continual ire
You fuck everything with 2 legs
A question which begs
How many of them were for hire?

ThatGirl
ThatGirl
11 years ago

You meet your chicks in flight
Charming them with all your might
But I found out
You dumbass lout
You’re not even worth the fight

Sarati
Sarati
11 years ago
Reply to  ThatGirl

^^^ This one ^^^ is getting posted on my Sanity Wall!

Sad in Seattle
Sad in Seattle
11 years ago
Reply to  Sarati

You need a like button, CL!

Another Erica
Another Erica
11 years ago

Oh shit! I got busted!
But don’t worry, I love you, I can be trusted.
Anyway, the problem was with you
What else could I do?
Selfish assholes can’t help but act when they feel lusted

anna
anna
11 years ago

rough day at work yesterday. thanks for the laugh, I needed it.

suddenly single
suddenly single
11 years ago

There once was a man named Jim
Who thought his lovely wife was so dim
That he lied and cheated mattered not
He left without so much as a pot
And now she is alone with a grin

suddenly single
suddenly single
11 years ago

too many m’s in named!

Jay
Jay
11 years ago

It starts as a workplace affair
The blackness of your heart do you bare
You end it in rage
Perfectly setting the stage
For encores of pain and nightmare

Jay
Jay
11 years ago

Why are we never enough?
We continuously fed good fluff
Ego kibbles are sweet
Now beat a hasty retreat
And go fuck yourself in the buff

Jay
Jay
11 years ago
Reply to  Jay

CRAP, putta you in there:

Why are we never enough?
We continuously fed you good fluff
Ego kibbles are sweet
Now beat a hasty retreat
And go fuck yourself in the buff

Jay
Jay
11 years ago

Your affair was completely demented
The wife that I had I lamented
you’ve broken my trust
Our love crumbled to dust
Your selfish actions our end it cemented

Jay
Jay
11 years ago

You once said you’d love me forever
Such a kind thought and noble endeavor
Then comes an earth shaking change
Your morals and dignity exchanged
For a broken soul; yeah your so clever

Angie
Angie
11 years ago

I truely love you, but
our sex life is in a rut
So I got a ho-worker
she’s not much of a looker
but she’s a real handy slut

Jay
Jay
11 years ago

Getting married is easy and breezy
The hopes and dreams that are born; some are cheesy
So have your affair
Take all the good that we share
And reduce it to feeling so sleezy

Angie
Angie
11 years ago

Oh poor me, my life is so crappy
my lonely penis just goes flippy flappy
21 years down the drain
my family’s in pain
but a ho sure makes me happy.

Dani
Dani
11 years ago
Reply to  Angie

Oh god… too good… can’t stop laughing!

nomar
nomar
11 years ago

Limmerick:

There once was an underachiever
Who was slutty and quite a deceiver
She wouldn’t quit Warcraft
Or plying her whore-craft
So this Chump had to get smart and leave her

Haiku:

Two troll priest soulmates
Hookup in Vegas to screw
Mind if I vomit?

nomar
nomar
11 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Oh, “Mind,” not “Mine”

Jay
Jay
11 years ago

Vows made in May were accepted
Early advances to you were rejected
This time around
No morals could no be found
Leaving broken hearts and pain as expected

nomar
nomar
11 years ago

More haiku (5-7-5)–they’re addictive:

A sparkly turd
Too many shit sandwiches
Holy crap–get out!

You are like the flu
Make me dizzy and nauseous
So glad when you’re gone

My ex and her beau
Two snakes fucking in pig shit
Pretty much the same

“‘Til death do us part”
What the hell was I thinking?
Rats don’t keep their word!

Divorce is painful
How will I live without her?
Much better, thank you

The math a chump learns
Addition by subtraction
You are a zero

You cheated for years
I carried your dad’s casket
Wouldn’t he be proud?

If you had a soul
It would smell like a diaper
From baby Satan

You cheated on me
Then married a cold cheater
Beep! Beep! Karma bus!

You say I’m bitter
But bitter can’t laugh this loud
While flipping you off

Named for Vera
Named for Vera
11 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Nomar!! (where I come from, however it’s Nomahhhh….! ) awesome. as are everyones’.

Sad in Seattle
Sad in Seattle
11 years ago
Reply to  Named for Vera

I love the baby Satan one.

kb
kb
11 years ago

There once was a man named Bob
Whose libido needed to throb.
He found a redhead,
And took her to bed.
His Ex found her lawyer a job.

MovingOn
MovingOn
11 years ago
Reply to  kb

My, my, KB. Maybe we have an OW in common (redhead)?

Angie
Angie
11 years ago

It must be that my sex drive is high
that is why I must lie
why cant you see
that its all about me
and Im forced to get some on the sly

Dawn
Dawn
11 years ago

You’re the most sexy man ever, she thinks.
But from whence comes that horrible stink?
Will she still think you’re all that
while she’s scrubbing the scat
from your undies’ skid marks in the sink?

Hope49
Hope49
11 years ago
Reply to  Dawn

Dawn, lady you are on a ROLL! Too funny!

Rose
Rose
11 years ago

We are all poets
And did not know it!
What else did we find
That we were all blind
To our cheating wives, husbands, partners.
But alas, in what we knew
We all grew
Stronger.
Blind no more!

Really
Really
11 years ago

Twenty-one year old
homewrecker – you weren’t his first;
why think you’re his last?