1. Funnythatway says

    testimonial: anything I’ve read that f*uckees think was stupid, crazy,foolish,etc. I can probably match or better, did longer, more often, played with higher stakes,there’s a book I want to read,”The Addicted Brain”,Michel Kuhar,it sounds like I might relate, being f*ucked must be a sick need to prove insistently how terrible I am..naturally all the f*ckers have impressed that upon me endlessly, so I believed it. This ‘technique’ is grammar school stuff for the f*ckers and is the chief ingredient when they bake their cake. I told my last one “hmm,’holy matrimony’, the only things ‘holy’ in yours are the holes in her head and the one in your A**”..not to mention the one in my head…

  2. Media_Girl24 says

    During my fog of going all-out to try to save my marriage, which included an early morning episode of me doing my wifely duty on my knees (to completion for him), I was told that I had “manipulated him” into this situation because he was “half-asleep” when it occured.

    I think he was actually feeling a bit guilty… to the other woman! Funny, he was cheating on her with me.. his wife!

    • Susan says

      Mine did the same thing… He actually said “I don’t know if I should do this because you’ll tell OW!” To which I responded, “of course not” but did anyway!! Cheats on his gf with his wife of 30 years… Really?? You can’t make this stuff up!

  3. melanie says

    OOh – another one:
    “Staying married makes me feel secure – I don’t want a divorce ”
    That was after he was out of the house for 6 months.
    Still no divorce progress a year later…
    “I’m in no hurry”

  4. melanie says

    He posted on FB
    “I’m with my true love of 36 years”…
    Those years include an 18 year marriage to his SECOND wife and 17 with me – his THIRD.
    Duh for me!

      • Suzanne says

        I got that too! And also…
        “I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you.”
        “I think we need a trial separation. I don’t want to waste any more of your time.” (after 16 years of marriage.)
        “Yes, I saw her socially. But there is no commingling.” (ugh. What is this, CSI?)
        “Wouldn’t YOU like to meet someone more compatible?” This was the opening salvo, actually. came out of the blue when I was getting the grocery list together.

  5. r louise says

    “When you sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I realized that life is too short and I don’t want to spend the rest of mine unhappy.”

    I am not making this up.

    This qualifies as the WORST thing anyone has ever said to me. And it was said by a person who supposedly loved me.

  6. Ruff says

    ” why do you want to be with someone that’s so mean to you”
    ” maybe you will find someone that is nice to you”
    “Sex with us was great, sex with him was amazing..I didn’t know size made a difference”
    ” when he wrapped his arms around me my whole body tingled”
    ” I cant guarantee this wont happen again”
    “I can’t help what my body was telling me to”

  7. Wife #1 says

    Him: “I going to leave you for her because you only had 3 children with me”

    Me: “How many children did you want to abandon when you left since 3 wasn’t enough to keep you here?”


    She is good at her job (like Im not?)
    Her fiance cheated on her (and that affects my life how?)
    She eats vegetables for breakfast (pass the muffins and sugar bombs, Im NEVER going to do that)

    Oddly enough we reconciled and had a good life for 5 years before he dropped dead. I would still like to punch that stupid OW in the face.

    • Kara says

      OMG I heard that SO MUCH from my ex. “Can’t I have a friend?” Turned into “You just don’t want me to have friends.”

      No, I don’t want you sticking your dick in another woman when you’re in a relationship with me.

      Good riddance.

    • Katie says

      Oh wow… My husband just said the same thing to me… He has problems with trying to cheat with women on Craigslist. I don’t really police what he does because it’s not worth my time. Well, I found out that he’s been meeting a “friend” for lunch and lying to me about it. He also texts her at all hours of the day and night. When I told him I wasn’t comfortable with him seeing her alone, he accused me of trying to keep him from having friends. I don’t freaking care if he goes to a bar with a mixed group of people, but I don’t want him to have friends. Whatever.

    • GullibleMe says

      Identical experience.

      And after I protested that it is inappropriate for a single woman to be texting him not me to organise playdates between our kids, and inappropriate for her to be playing pool with him til 3 o’clock in the morning then sleeping over at our place “because she is too drunk to drive home”:

      [and after I questioned why did she need to be at our house to help bake her son’s brithday cake (why is my husband making it anyway?)]

      “You won’t allow me to have ONE friend!”

      “The least she can do is help make the cake since I am doing her a favour!”
      [while her 7 year old kid is at home the night before his birthday, with an older sibling – his mother did not even go home that night]

      • Melancholia8 says

        I heard this one too. Actually still hearing it. I’m separated, but he keeps on telling me that all these lunches with him and single women are because he wants to have friends… And guys don’t cut it. It’s weird apparently to have guy friends if you’re a man! He says he really doesn’t get it, though everyone else I’ve checked it with says its bullshit.

  8. RJ says

    My cheater wife regarding the “changes” she’s made, post D-Day:

    “I was messed up back then, but now you have a better wife!”

    Uh, what?

    Ok, by that twisted logic, the way to marital self-improvement apparently involves lots of hot monkey sex in a hotel room with some guy you met on an online poker site.

    Sounds like what she’s really saying is, “I couldn’t figure out how to fix myself until I screwed some other guy’s brains out. Thanks to him, now I know how to be Super Wife! Aren’t you happy now?”

    Geez, imagine if everyone who was experiencing marriage issues just followed that logic, we’d all be better husbands and better wives and divorce lawyers would become an extinct species!

      • MissFake says

        Online poker is up there where mine met his: firearms enthusiast and survivalism message boards. Any female who responded in the slightest to his online Billy Badass persona got serviced by him.

        And he’d dare me to talk to them, like if I did I was jealous, if I didn’t, he won. Eventually, I talked to one. Boom, outed. Nice game to play on someone you trust.

  9. AC says

    Him: “My feelings have changed.”
    Me: “Since when?”
    Him: “I don’t know. For a long time now.”
    Me: “Is there someone else?”
    Him: (a quick) “NO.”
    (Followed by trickling of evidence of a long term affair)

    After he moved out and said he wanted a divorce:
    “Despite the tough times with you, the kids, and my family, overall I’m happy.”

    “We have so much in common. We’re both passionate about surgery.” (While I sacrificed my own career and stayed home to raise our kids so he can concentrate on his “work”, ie. helping out his medical student/surgical resident, living a double life with her, etc.).

  10. anna says

    i have a 16 year old girl with attitude and not one to back down. here’s her version of shit cheaters say.
    x to daughter: we are seperating, we have grown apart. we’ve become like brother and sister, bla bla bla..
    daughter’s response: and you stuck your dick into someone else so don’t go there.

    x to daughter after i kicked him out and she moved into his old room ( best in the house): why did you move into my room?
    daughter: i asked mom and she said it was okay.
    x: when i move back in a year what will you do then. you will have to move back to your old room.
    daughter: not fucking likely.

    • MM Burned says

      Re-reading… I love your daughter’s comment. Makes me smile every time.
      Out of the mouths of babes!

    • TKM says

      So good to read about other kids standing up to these jerks like my daughter. I think these losers pull the same shit with their kids as they did with their chump spouses. They want the kids to do the pick me dance and continue to feed them lots of kibble. Bravo to those kids old enough to be able to see them for who they truly are and to stand up to them because it must take a very brave kid to stand up to a parent and say you’re a lying cheating piece of shit and I reject you.

    • Sammie D says

      Thank you for sharing your daughters view.
      I have only recently found this sight and am loving the honesty. What is is with people my X (separated 6 months ago after his confession of multiple partners over the last eight years) treats our 15 year old son like he is 4. My X used a gluten intolorane in or son to deflect taking responsibility for his action. Blaming sons pissed off attitude towards him as the result of something he ate.

      And he wonders why our son doesn’t like him.

  11. Baci says

    “What is love?”
    “What is happiness?”

    “All i want to do is lay in bed beside you and cry”

    “Hes not important. You are.”

    Truely hope its fixable

    I value true unconditional freindships

    and the one that I many times from other BS said by their cheating spouses

    “I STILL LOVE YOU!” WTF does that mean?

  12. Allie says

    “You’re intellectually intimidating” (this was after a 30 year marriage where he told me he loved me because I was smart) and “I did not have an affair. I had loving feelings for her when we had lunch together everyday.”
    He also told me “Tell (son) to talk to one of his friends. I’m sure he has friends whose parents are divorced. It’s not a big thing.”

    Son – “I have no time for him. He’s morally bankrupt.”

    • MissFake says

      They do that! Resent you for the things that attracted them.

      Cheater in the Beginning: “You need to grow up and stop partying. I can’t abide by women who drink AT ALL” (he cheated on patrons and employees of the bar he worked at)

      Cheater After: “The woman I loved was wild, now you’re just a boring homebody.”

      NEVER BECOME ANYTHING FOR ANYONE. Over the past ten years, there are several guys I now think “What the hell was I so impressed by?” Losers.

  13. Janet says

    When I made a comment about the character of my husband’s facebookfuck “How could she get involved with a married man?” His comment”Oh she feels terrible but this was just bigger than both of us””

    • Nord says

      Yes, STBX also told me how ‘terrible’ the final OW felt about things and it was ‘really hard on her, knowing that the kids would be hurt’. What a girl, eh? No wonder he liked fucking her. She was all heart.

      • Jen says

        Ohhhh yes, she is REALLY concerned about my kids she doesn’t even know ! And she and I have SO much in common we would probably really like each other and be friends.

        What do we have in common besides we have both seem your dick?

    • Nat1 says

      Or…sometimes these things just happen!!!! Cos i hunted her down stuck in my claws purued her until she gave in….

    • Susan says

      I sent the OW a letter asking her to stay away from him and what had been a good 30 year marriage. When he returned from a week away with her I asked him what was her response to my letter, and he answered “she felt like the OW!” If the shoe fits…

    • Patsy says

      ‘Don’t blame her. She always said she shouldn’t be doing this, she kept breaking up’.

      Thanks for letting me know who did the persueing.

  14. Debbie says

    My STBX started his current affair 2 months after my father died…he said almost those same things to me. I couldn’t/wouldn’t listen…I’m negative=wonder why? He spoke to one of his best divorced lawyer buddies and all 4 of his kids are great. He and his mistress (divorced 3 times with 3 kids and 12 years younger} have much to say about me manupilating my kids and poisioning them against him. They will accept it when I do…sounds like the 12th of never.

    • Baci says

      How can you be divorced three times with three kids. There is something seriously wrong there. What about the kids. It’s a crime. Can’t your ex see that!!??

    • Nord says

      Yes, I get accused of ‘poisoning the kids’, which is beyond hilarious since I*m the one who assures them that their dad loves them while he treats them like shit when they don’t go along with his new life.

      • TKM says

        Dear Nord,
        Exact same situation for me!! It’s all my fault the kid thinks he’s morally bankrupt. I just can’t get over how the story is basically the same for all of us chumps,
        from what they say to how they treat the kids.

  15. pearl says

    “maybe we would be happier with other people” (yes, he had already found the other person he was happier with}

    • Really says

      “Why can’t I have both? – STBX “asking” if he could have both a wife and a mistress.

      “I can’t walk away – I’m in too deep” – OW to me. So the marriage, kids, shared history, etc., isn’t deep, but YOUR AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN is?

  16. Toni says

    Sex means absolutely nothing to me…it never has

    Him: I know who sent you the anonymous letter at work about ____________
    Me: Your’e having sex with her TOO?!
    Him: No not now, she was a while ago, when we were first together…

  17. says

    My 2.5 yrs sponsored wife Maria di Fonzo had an affair with Ernesteo Fernandez (from Dieste Advertising, TX), the co-worker she was supposed to supervise during a business trip to Dallas. Right after Vicki Smith, Nissan Director of Phylanthrophy raised from the dinner table Maria called Ernesto Fernandez to take her to the hotel for sex.
    When I told Maria between the first night of the affair and the second of adultery that I thought she was sleeping with Mr. Fernandez Cobela, Maria di Fonzo replied: “How you dare to say such thing without proof” … “Because of your overactive imagination, I am going to divorce you as soon as I arrive back to Nashville” … “And don’t call me no more tonight, I ‘ll be busy”

  18. Angie says

    When I asked why, after the 2 years of hell we just came through and were (I thought) back on track, did he start things up with his ho-worker yet again.

    His response “I guess I had too long of a winter break from school”. He works and goes to school full-time, but apparently having time off from school gave him too much free time.

  19. moda says

    Him: I was just trying to talk her into going back to her ex-husband.
    Me: Do you know her ex?
    Him: No, I’ve never met him.
    She’s just a really good friend.
    She’s nothing but a crack whore / coke whore, whatever.
    Yeah, I bought her a Christmas present. So?
    I never touched that woman. (The physical evidence says otherwise)
    I suppose I never did nothing good for you, right? Is that what you’re saying?

  20. Scott says

    Her telling me why she needs her “friend” in her life …

    Her: “You two are just exact opposites of each other.”

    Me (after a slight pause): “Do you consider me to be a man of integrity?”

    Her: “Integrity? Yes, I do.”

    Me: “So we are exact opposites of each other, huh?”

    Her: “Yeah.”

    Me: “I see.”

  21. Laurel says

    here are some of the gems that I’ve been subjected to.

    him: “a man has to be a bridge.”

    wtf??? what the fuck are you talking about? your cock is a bridge? what does that make me? the suez canal?

    him: “we don’t have chemistry.”

    no. YOU don’t have chemistry.

    our older son when asked how he saw his parents: “you guys have immense chemistry”

    him: “I didn’t feel adored.”

    try being adorable. try not looking at me like I’m an insect when you take me out to dinner (once every six months) try getting a JOB? try not whining about me running the dishwasher before midnight, because the rates go down after midnight. (yes, I’m serious)

    “but Laurel, I’m not a bad person!”

    right. you’re a good person, with no morals, no shame, no sense of right or wrong, entitled. smug. arrogant. AND you’re a selfish pig. but otherwise, you’re a wonderful man.

    fuck buddy in an email to him: (he had told me that there was nothing on his computer that I could not read. it was left open by “accident”—yet again)

    “I’m sorry that things have been so difficult for you. [that bitch wife of yours is on to us, huh?] You have borne ALL of the culpability for our 5+ years of conspiracy-to-commit-adultery, and that you find yourself in such a difficult position now is something that makes me squirm with guilt and remorse. As ever. ~ with fingers in wet places. that will not change irregardless.”

    me: tell me the truth. What is on those SEVEN EXTERNAL HARD DRIVES???

    him: “I’m a geek. you wouldn’t understand geeks.” “I get them for free from work.” “the boys’ music is on them.” [ and enough disk space to power NORAD!] “I’m working for the CIA”


    him: “well yes, we had sex but she’s really big (and homely) and let me tell you, it wasn’t easy.”

    wife is a ballet dancer.

    him: “it has nothing to do with how you look.”

    no, it has everything to do with the bullshit she’s spewing out. let HER deal with our autistic son. sexy ain’t it?

    him: (after telling me months later that he had NO CONTACT with five year fuck buddy with lupus and me finding her name in his address book).

    “But Laurel, she’s dying.”

    me: who fucking cares? the point is that you said that you weren’t in contact with her. THAT IS THE POINT!

    telling the truth is so difficult, isn’t it?

    him: “I didn’t ‘love’ any of them. I liked them, but I didn’t love them. The only woman I ever loved was you… you were the only one who gave me butterflies.”

    the one he doesn’t have chemistry with.

    • Kelly says

      OMG Laurel, just read this, and I am sitting here laughing out loud. Hard to pick a favorite. It may be “A man has to be a bridge…” –why do they ramble incoherently?? But then again, the explanations for the 7 hard drives, including his work for the CIA, is pretty amusing too.

      • jewells says

        I also got the “She’s a nice person actually” after his first broken nose, fat lip and my furnishings destroyed by her. But me? The faithful loving non-violent wife? Why, I am just the biggest bitch on the planet. (He just got it re-broken by her and thought I would care)

    • Kelly says

      After catching him a year ago having affair with a co-worker for 17 years of our 25 year marriage (at times group sex with her best friend as well) and leaving me with claims he was going to marry her; and after realizing he had these co-workers stay in our home as friends and guests on their “business” trips over the years, so that they could have “cake” — and I guess a really really sick laugh– literally under the noses of me and my children while we slept–

      HIM: “She’s really a good person.”
      ME: “Ummmm….Exactly what would qualify as ‘bad’ then? Would she have to stab us in our sleep while screaming obscenities and kicking the puppy?”

  22. nwrain says

    These are choice!
    I’ll add a few of mine.

    At one point I asked him how he got started using prostitutes. He said he met a guy on a plane, who happened to be really handsome (Oh, so does that make it less sleazy if a handsome guy fucks whores?) who used prostitutes because it kept it just about sex and then he didn’t become emotionally involved with them.

    Later told me he couldn’t just have sex with anyone, of course–there had to be some sort of attraction and connection. Really? How much does a 65 year old Ivy League educated man with a doctorate have in common with twenty-something poor Hong Kong whore/mistress?

    He was actually HELPING whores from Thailand because they came from very poor villages and were able to send money back to their families. Some of the Bulgarian ones were actually working their way through university. Ha! I guess he liked the idea that he was still attractive enough to be fucking college coeds. Is that a basketball under your button down Brooks Brother shirt or a gut. It’s hard to tell the difference.

    He once said prostitution had been around for ever and 50% of people cheat on their spouses. (So if half of people lie/cheat and steal, it makes it okay?)

  23. Kara says

    “He’s helping them?” XD Sure, if he WASN’T cheating on anyone.

    I love it when cheaters who do it with prostitutes act like it’s because they’re super hot still. Uh, hate to break it to them, but it’s not because they’re hot. It’s because they paid for it. They can tell themselves that the hookers were attracted to them all they want, but it really just comes down to they paid for it.

    • nwrain says

      Exactly, Kara! I found one of his mistresses on Facebook and sent her a message appealing to sisterhood (I know, pathetic. It was still the “pick me” stage. I asked her why my husband was sending her thousands of dollars. She said, “Why not?” Bitch.)
      He told me to stop sending messages to his friend. Gawd. It’s almost funny now. I guess that’s a good, huh?!

  24. Kara says

    “Why Not?” Wow…the entitlement, it’s staggering.

    To his “friend?” Sounds like one of my exes. He didn’t want me talking to his online “friends.” Probably because they were either sending him porn or cheating with him.

  25. Carol says

    When I told my now ex-husband that I felt he was cheating with a particular co-worker (he was), he said, “I would never cheat with her; she’s too Catholic.”

    Two things….First, I’m Catholic. WTF? Second, there’s no other reason he wouldn’t be cheating with her? Like, he loves me and promised to be faithful?

  26. Goldie says

    My husband hid a three year affair that included an apartment and fiancé. He says he doesn’t want a divorce. I told him that he left me when he got that apartment and he divorced me in his heart when he put a ring on her finger.

    His response: “Wait a minute, I just want you to know that her ring was nothing like yours. Yours is much nicer.”

    Ummm, thanks?

  27. Yoder says

    I have not enjoyed reading such tragic drama in my life. I am amazed at the trite way cheaters respond, as if they never expected to be confronted. I thank you all tremendously for sharing these tid bits. It has been a long time since I have really laughed. Bless you all and may we all reach the beyond wiser and with a sense of humor.

  28. domesticblister says

    “She’s a really good mother. It’s made her very mature for her age.”

    This about a woman who was simultaneously handing over her parental rights to her estranged husband AND claiming that he was a dangerous drug addict.

    “It’s just not like love is supposed to be. There’s a reason it’s always the same way in movies.”

    Referring to why our marriage wasn’t thrilling enough to keep him from cheating.

    • buriedalive says

      How about ‘ I wanted to pay her back for all the crappy shit she did to me when we were together.’ (she was XGF) Also got ‘I didn’t think phone sex (for YEARS) was cheating.” (also another AP)

  29. Cathy says

    Him: I don’t think I’d care if you wanted to fool around with someone else.

    Him: Don’t you ever just look at a coworker and picture them naked? Me: um, no.

    • Kara says

      Isn’t it weird how cheaters all seem to think that everyone thinks the way they do and are genuinely shocked when it is not so?

      • tamara says

        My cheater was sure that my first husband had cheated on me, too. He hadn’t. But the cheater was convinced that everyone did it, and I was just too much of a chump to have known about it. It was like somehow if my first husband had in fact cheated, he would have somehow been less of a dickhead for doing it…

        I gave up trying to figure it out a long time ago… now I just shake my head and say “wow, that’s fucked up.”

        • moda says

          I found out at the end of our relationship that my most recent ex was convinced I knew all along that my previous ex was cheating on me and that I had simply turned a blind eye. He was trying to accuse me and members of my family of cheating. Then he said, “Don’t try to tell me you didn’t know [previous ex] was foolin’ around.” When I suddenly realized the implications – that he thought I was the kind of woman who would tolerate cheating and just look the other way – I was even more pissed than I had been. Maybe because his mother had been that type of woman, I don’t know. Now, mind you, he was still lyin’ and denyin’ about his own cheating. But that statement was as good as a confession, in my mind. I was already packing my things at that point.

  30. Kelly says

    After catching him a year ago having affair with a co-worker for 17 years of our 25 year marriage (at times group sex with her best friend as well) and leaving me with claims he was going to marry her; and after realizing he had these co-workers stay in our home as friends and guests on their “business” trips over the years, so that they could have “cake” — and I guess a really really sick laugh– literally under the noses of me and my children while we slept–

    HIM: “She’s really a good person.”
    ME: “Ummmm….Exactly what would qualify as ‘bad’ then? Would she have to stab us in our sleep while screaming obscenities and kicking the puppy?”


  31. Michelle says

    Mine had sex with hundreds of other men during our 20 year marriage, then at the end of marriage was having affairs with two women at the same time, orgies, threesomes, running naked in public parks, sending pictures of his genitals to women, probably a lot more I don’t know about.

    Some of his excuses:
    I was helping her work on her marriage.
    You didn’t want to play board games enough.
    I have some good memories of our marriage, but now it’s just a business deal that’s ended.
    I just don’t feel enough passion for you.
    I only married you because I knew you would be a good mother and take care of the house and would never leave me.
    I’m not gay.
    I need a woman who is an extension of me.
    I need a lot of zest and excitement in my life, and if only you would give me that, I could give you your heart’s desire.

  32. Sharon says

    My x is 58 I’m 60 we never married too bad because he left me for a stripper and a 30 year old, (We were together for 17 years.) and who ever else he can get his hands on. He only sends texts, never phones, describing the food he eats, including photos, views from his cool airb&b apartments, the bars he loves, and long drunken texts about the beautiful women who love him including photos of them in sexy poses all the while saying how much he loves me forever and never will break up with me, “that’s up to me”. And he says I’m must be a “F-ing moron”, if I can’t understand what he’s going through. So glad I found you site so that I can crawl out of my mind numbing depression and fight back. Oh and he says strip clubs are cool everyone is talking about them. No one I know is talking about them. Now they’re his favorite hang out especially since he is recently so successful in business that he has tons of cash to throw around.

  33. Gin says

    A few choice quotes from my husband of 23 years. “If you think taking a girl to the pub a few times and to the zoo is having an affair? well….” (The girl was 24, he`s 48)
    “I never snogged her”
    “That 1st row we had in 1986. I would have left it there but you pursued me”
    “I tried to commit suicide because of you”
    “I`m a different person now” (no shit sherlock!!!)
    “I grew up at 48 years old”
    “I hope you can move on and we can be friends”

  34. Sharon says

    Him: I know it drives you mad that I’m exploring relationships with other women and that I have romantic encounters but really, you probably thought it was much more serious than having a little oral sex so I thought you would be relieved to hear that’s all that happened. ( this was part of a very long text, as he’s moved out, after 17 years)

    I stopped responding to his texts after 6 weeks of constant texting back and forth because it was making me crazy and depressed beyond belief.
    We’re not married but yesterday I saw a lawyer and he is being served.

    • tamara says

      yeah… I got that too.

      Me: …. the woman you were sleeping with.
      Him: I didn’t sleep with her.
      Me: Ok, had sex with.
      Him: we didn’t have sex.
      Me: Ok, the whore that sucked your ****.
      Him: you don’t have to be so graphic.

      Congratulations on the lawyer. You’re doing the right thing.

      • Yoder says

        tamara, this sounds so Clintonesque. Bill and Monica.
        Bill: I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman.

        His preference of course, was a cigar.

        In h’s shrink’s office, he would not admit he f&*@%d ow. I had to drag it out of him, step by step. I said, “can I ask the questions?” The shrink said, “If h agrees, I think it would be fine.” So, I said, “Did you go to her motel room?

        h: One time.
        ME: Did you take your clothes off?
        h: Not the first time.

        • Tamara says


          I got…

          Him: I only actually had sex with a prostitute one time.
          Me: Geez… did you at least wear a condom?
          Him: Oh, always.

          They’re just not very bright at times, are they.

  35. Kara says

    Oo! That just reminded me. How about this one?

    Me: I know about Tiff and Donna.
    Him:….I don’t know who Tiff is.

    No, no they are not very bright at all.

  36. Valentine says

    I got: ‘I didn’t like the way you put eyeliner on’…yeah, because the chick you were schlepping looked like a hooker.

    “You didn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved” WTF?

    “I will ALWAYS love you”….LOL!

    Wow…some of these are absolute gems.

  37. Salome says

    After I found out about the YEARS of serial cheating and lies by looking at his email account which he accidently left unsecured one day on our joint computer – and finding TONS of explict messages back and forth to MANY different women, complimenting them on their bodies and the sex (my favorite – sometimes confusing them and having to apologize that, no baby, you are my only one, I swear!!)

    I confronted him and he said…

    “You should not have been snooping around at my emails then you would not have gotten upset” !!!!!

    • GullibleMe says

      Him: You snooped in my phone! THAT’s why I had to put a lock on it!

      Me: I snooped for a good reasons – I was NOT crazy, I was right about my suspicions.

      • Jen says

        If you weren’t such a nosy bitch none of this would have ever happened. (After I confirmed his affair by checking our joint cell phone records)

        You would probably be friends with Leslie, you have so much in common. ( like we both fuck MY husband?)

        If you had cared more about pleasing me I wouldn’t have been with someone else. (If you had been a better husband I might have cared more about pleasing you)

  38. Karen says

    I tried to post this but think it went elsewhere. My absolute faves of the many stupid things my ex said;

    While trying to convince me to take him back; ‘Infidelity is not a big deal, it’s just something that happens when a relationship isn’t going well.’ Should have seen his face when I suggested that he might want to inform his AP, and any future women he becomes involved with, of this belief of his.

    And when I was turning him down on that reconciliation plan of his, saying that he had made a very clear choice about our relationship when he chose to engage in this affair (it was his second, and after the first one I made it EXTREMELY clear that there could not be a second), ‘I didn’t make any choices!’ Poor helpless baby, life just pushes him around!

    • HearthBuilder says

      That sounds familiar. I think the philosopher Neil Peart said “If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.” Kudos to you for not cooperating.

  39. NMK says

    We went to a counselor shortly after dday, and at one point he got all huffy and said “We need OPEN and HONEST communication!!”
    AYFKM? You lied to me for 8 months and NOW you want open and honest communication?!?!!?

  40. Jennifer says

    “If you had really loved me and been committed to me and wanted to be appealing to me, you never would have let yourself gain weight.” 2 points…#1. I gained 15 lbs while recovering from major surgery due to cancer…#2. I was still a size 6.

  41. Jennifer says

    Forgot this one…”She was very sensitive to the fact that I was married and had 3 children.”…Clearly.
    I could do this all day!

    • Kelly says

      Jennifer—Seriously? She was sensitive to the thing she was destroying? They truly live in an alternate universe in which up is down and black is white. I sometimes idly contemplate whether they outright know they are lying and are just making shit up as they go; or do they compartmentalize and believe their own lies like the best psychopaths who can pass lie detector tests? I’ll probably never find out the answer to these profoundly annoying questions.

      “I could do this all day!” You’re hilarious. Who knew these poor excuses for human beings could provide such sick comedic fodder??

      • Nord says

        Ex told me that final OW felt ‘really bad’ about being involved with a married man while living with anohter man. This didn’t stop her from continuing, of course, but fortunately Ex was there to assure her it was all really ok because our marriage was crumbling anyway. News to me, of course, and news to her about the many other OW i discovered he’s been fucking for years.

        • bogieb says

          That sounds really familiar Nord – except this was my STB EX’s first affair. She was living with another guy and told STB EX told him he didn’t want a divorce or to leave me – yeah, right. That’s why she went ahead and slept with him and met him on weekends while he was “working”.

          What lies they tell themselves and each other while they carry on!

  42. Yoder says

    Dday was Christmas Eve (although I did not yet know the extent of the affair until a few months later.) His shrink suggested a marriage counselor, who in actuality, was also a psychiatrist. Had NO intent to excuse h’s cheating, but wanted the opportunity to hear him lie, pathologically, to a trained shrink. He did, of course. Three days later, when I had permanently removed the OW from the scene (I still relish in that moment) he had the nerve to say, “I think I almost have her out of my mind.” Well, I thought, “How about that, you are fading fast in mine.”

  43. Yoder says

    We were at an RV campground when D day rolled around. the OW had sent him all kinds of gifts even money. When I figured all this out I began pitching everything I could find. She sent him golf clubs and mixed in with his, I did not know what was what. I told him to get everything out of the RV that she had sent him. I knew he would not do this, but wanted to catch him in another lie. Three days later, a Thursday, I asked if he had gotten it all thrown away. He said, “Yes.” I asked him when and he said, “Yesterday, or the day before.” They empty dumpsters at the campground on Monday. I walked around to every dumpster in the park. Oh, did I forget to mention that we were the only RV in the entire park? All totally empty except the one we normally used. In it was one bag of trash I threw in after the dumpsters were empties on Monday. He never left the park from Monday to Thursday and had no other way to ditch his stash. I told him after I searched all the empty dumpsters. Gotcha! He didn’t say a word.

  44. Lori L says

    The scariest statement ( and that’s what it was, a cold, unfeeling, psychotic statement) he would make was while we were arguing during the last year of our marriage. Maybe the last 6 months… I’m not sure now of the time since it felt like forever.

    I had been sleeping on the couch and away from him for 2 years. I had told him I wanted a divorce and that I wasn’t happy. Yet he would still try to engage me and try to get me to show some interest or passion towards him, of which I had none left.

    We would get to heatedly discussing/arguing about the same things “… I am not happy. Why do you think I have slept on the couch for two years. I want a divorce. It’s over. I’m not happy, you’re not happy, the kids aren’t happy. It’s time to just stop.” ( we had always agreed he would be the one to leave and I would stay with the kids in the house… It was their home, they needed to be where they felt most happy and I was the better parent ( until the end of course when he decided to try to pit them against me, another story for another day…)


    I never heard anyone say anything that insane before or since. Scariest thing I have ever heard. It was like he was God or the Devil ( and he said it in a commanding tone) and that was the absolute end all be all and there was nothing else to be said. At which point I would usually break down and sob since there was nothing that could be said to something so irrational. I would just lose it.

    • HeartBuilder says

      That’s so creepy. Talk about a sense of entitlement. Those must have been some deep dark times. How did you finally break away? I don’t think my back is going to survive two years on the couch let alone my brain and heart. Do you wish you had done it sooner?

      • Yoder says

        I’ve been sleeping single on a double pull out sofa for 2 years. That stupid steel bar that goes across my back is getting REALYY old.

        • HearthBuilder says

          Well if you’re anything like me you probably don’t sleep that much anyway. I’m only about a month past d-day but it’s like my body just doesn’t need sleep anymore (until an afternoon meeting anyway). Lunesta has helped a little. I really hope you get off that sofa soon. You deserve better. I also really hope your kids will see through whatever he is doing. I can’t believe the depths some people will sink to.

          • Lori L says

            We had a really comfy couch at the time…Lol

            Plus, I disliked the idea of being next to him so much it wasn’t a hard choice. What ended up taking so long was I wouldn’t leave my home, since that would mean leaving my kids, and there was no way I was doing that. I kept talking to him, every couple of weeks about a divorce for about a year, then just stopped talking to him at all. After about 6 months, the lack of my attention towards him was unbearable to him, and he started some really nasty arguments with me.

            The final straw was an intense argument he wanted right after New Year. I disengaged, and just kept repeating I want a divorce, like I have been telling you for two years. I think it had finally sunk in, with the disengagement and the repitition. These people are THICK because they choose to be.

            That particular night, he started man handling me. Hitting me, pushing me and if you can believe it, chest butting me when I tried to leave the room. I had enough. I told him to pack his shit and leave or I was calling the police. It took 1 hour of repeating that for him to finally leave. He had the balls to think he was coming back the next day. Wishful thinking on his part. When he called the next day, I just told him not to even try it or I would call the police.

            Contentious separation, he tried suing me for all kinds of things which got dropped and he almost went to prison for non support. He screwed our credit, put the kids and I on welfare for non payment of support, threatened to kill me (which he denied later. I tried to get an order of protection, in va they have to assault you… Ugh) and alienated me and the kids. Screamed and yelled like satan spawn every time I had to deal with him on anything. He would not work anything out between us.

            2.5 year divorced, I’m still traumatized I have realized. That’s why I’ve been reading and participating in posting here and 1 other place on Facebook of late. I never talked before, except to a therapist. It wasn’t enough though. I realize I need to hear others stories, to know I wasn’t alone and to get to a point where I can use the tools I see here and elsewhere and actually move forward. I was with him 20 years. It’s taking a long time to fully move past this for me.

            My situation may not be typical by any means. And I don’t suggest anyone wait until a spouse tries assaulting you before you act. I’m just saying it was my final straw and my reason to get up the nerve to get him out. I’m also disabled, and have lost almost everything. I think that was another reason I did not push so hard those last two years. Being scared of falling into poverty. I’m here now with horrible anxiety. I still thank God though every day I am not still married to him. The bad way way outweighed the good. It was not a decent or adult relationship. I was not happy, and I realize he never could be, no matter how hard I tried or wanted things different. It wasn’t all on me.

            Anyway, I hope you find your way out, if that’s what you really want and in a more productive way than I found my way out. Keep reading here. Find what helps you cope and helps you find your strength and your happy place. Best of luck.

    • Lori L says

      I’m so sorry. Unreal. So detached from reality that he couldn’t even imagine, screw it, you were such an object to him that he could sit there and say that to his WIFE. Just sickening.

      I’ve read many of your blogs. They are so helpful. Thank you for what you share and what you give.

  45. Yoder says

    Hearth Builder, it is just so soon for you. I remember those early weeks…terrible days and nights. Now that I do not have to get up during the night to take care of h, I dispense his evening meds, call it a day, fix an adult beverage, catch a movie on line and drift off into the sweetest sleep I have had for a long time. The sofa bed is simply uncomfortable. It all may change when I am finally able to leave and find myself alone, but I don’t think so. I am so looking forward to building a new life for myself with new friends, doing new things, having my refrigerator stocked only with what I want to eat, going only where I want to go and doing any damn thing I decide to do. Two grown kids are cheering me on, two won’t even talk to him. Life can be good.

    • HearthBuilder says

      Thanks Yoder. It’s so good to know that there can be peace after this. I feel so hopeless sometimes it’s hard to breathe. I’ve been avoiding adult beverages because I’m scared to death that it would become a crutch; but, as soon as I’m emotionally solid enough, I will raise a glass to you. By then I hope you’re in a plush, comfy bed not too far from your nicely stocked refrigerator.

      • Kelly says

        Hang in there HearthBuilder, we all know that hopeless feeling (and yeah, make sure you avoid the alcohol till you are certain you can handle it). It does get better overall. I am a year past D-Day and still get hopeless once in a while thinking what he took from me and our children. But I tell myself “just wait it out, the feelings will pass…” And they do. I have just been reflecting on those terrible days, weeks and months immediately post D-Day. I used to keep a journal and wait up until midnight sometimes just so I could write “I survived another day.” Then one day I realized that I wasn’t keeping such close track of it, and was feeling better. Key was keeping as NC as possible, just the passage of time, and support like we get from CL. ((((Hugs))))

        • HearthBuilder says

          Thanks Kelly. I’m clearly not there yet. I instantly burst into tears at “… thinking what he took from me and our children” at work no less. We still haven’t talked to my daughters, 13 and 14 (although I found a note from my 13 year old that shows she has figured out a lot, she even guessed who the guy is). It’s so helpful to hear from survivors like you that there is life after d-day. Still working on the NC thing. Thank you for the iHugs too, I really needed that.

          • Kelly says

            I’m so sorry you are going through this HearthBuilder. I’ve done the tears at work and everywhere else, believe me. One night I even screamed at the top of my lungs driving home in my car (didn’t work for me, felt crazy and I was hoarse the next day besides). You will get through it though, and come out the other side. Just hold on to your kids, your job, your friends and extended family (if possible), and most of all yourself.

            Your ex is a piece of sh*t. Just sayin’….

          • TKM says

            Dear Hearth builder,
            Tell your dog turd that they have a week to fess up to the kids about the truth concerning their adultery or you will tell them the truth as you see it. Please don’t let this piece of shit manipulate them into thinking you had some role in the destruction of their family. They are old enough they have probably pieces most of it together. If you are honest with them they should embrace you and help you kick the dog turd out and then you and the kids can move mom together to a happier life. Hang in there. It does get better, I promise. Cyber hugs.

  46. Yoder says

    Kay H, these are truly priceless. I don’t know if there are books of these or not, but if not, there needs to be. It is as if they NEVER thought about what they were going to say, just thought that D day would ever happen. Like they swallowed a few bottles of stupid pills. All the careful planning, complex lies, sneaking around, oh, so carefully they carried and then is all goes poof! And they are stump dumb all of a sudden. Not nearly as clever as they thought they were.

    • says

      I think my husband has lost his marbles and he didn’t have many of them to begin with. Not my problem anymore. The OW can have him and his ridiculous comments. Go sell crazy somewhere else.

      • Lori L says

        I think all cheaters want to be caught in one way or another. There is either the immense guilt, in a person that has some feelings, and then with an N, I think it’s a matter of pride in having been able to get one over on you for some arbitrary period of time in their heads… I guess each one is different with that. I think they all want you to find out though. I think some of them actually secretly, or some maybe even outwardly enjoy the power the pain it inflicts gives them. Sick, sick, sick!

  47. Yoder says

    Actually, no refrigerator needed. Vodka and black cherry kool aid. Medicinal only. My physician suggested it for sleep. Have one before I go to sleep every night, works like a charm, but then I do not “over due” anything, food, salt, sugar, exercise, drinking, just don’t. And I still weigh 118 pounds. Now if I just didn’t have to look in the mirror each morning.

  48. Valentine says

    LOL! Some of these are hysterically funny! So glad I can laugh about it now.

    My ex told me that he would go ‘live under a bridge’ and that I could have ‘everything’. Okaaaaaay. Later, he asked for his ‘cigar chair’ and a Snoopy cookie jar that he had since he was a baby. I thought this was interesting—-until I found out that he took the cookie jar because he wanted the kid he was having with his affair partner to have it. Like an heirloom. Whatever.

    He also told me that he was ‘very flawed’…guess that was his admission to having the affair.

    He also said that he was now an ‘existentialist’ and that he didn’t need to answer to me anymore. WTF?

    I swear not a day goes by when I don’t marvel at how long I stayed in that life-sucking vacuum disguised as a marriage, and allowing that idiot to influence my every waking thought and action. Incredible.

    • Kelly says

      “I swear not a day goes by when I don’t marvel at how long I stayed in that life-sucking vacuum disguised as a marriage, and allowing that idiot to influence my every waking thought and action. Incredible.”

      Exactly Valentine. These guys are all the same, it’s sort of spooky.

    • Lori L says

      Yeah, we’ll mine told me he would live in his car before he would see our girls suffer.

      Then he didn’t pay child or spousal support for 6 months when he knew I was fighting for my disability and the only income I had was suport; didn’t pay the court ordered mortgage payment (ordered when he started paying some support to me, the other part was supposed to secure our housing), rented a two bedroom apartment for half our mortgage payment per month that we couldn’t afford (and he knew it well) and that he didn’t need since the kids were almost adults and refused to see him.

      He almost spent 6 mo in jail for the almost 1 year of non-payment, destroyed our credit, almost lost the kids their home, and put me and the kids on welfare for a 6 mo period of time.

      I don’t know if they’re all the same, however, I see a lot of people say they heard their spouse make outrageous claims too.

      Love the “existentialist” comment. That is a creative way for him to tell you he’s blowing you off. Lol

      Just be careful. And best to you and hopefully he will be reasonable throughout everything.

  49. MM Burned says

    Thanks, Valentine, for the :I swear not a day goes by…:

    That is prrecisely how I have come to view the debacle that was our marriage!

    My favorite was when he posted on his FB page instead of a private message to a friend
    “I am now happily with my true love of 36 years”!! WTF – there were two 17 year marriages (myself and his SECOND WIFE) spanning his 36 year love affair with the OW! When I caught them, his first comment was “there you go again – you are always jealous and resentful” and his second line was “I didn’t do it to ruin our marriage” and he was “just helping a friend”. What a creep. And it’s MY FAULT that our (make that MY – he was always working “nights and weekends” because he’s a realtor) 15 year old daughter doesn’t want anything to do with him. ..and if he was home he was “working” upstairs in his office or drunk/passed out in front of the TV until 3 AM.

    Yes, Valentine, the
    “…allowing that idiot to influence my every waking thought and action. Incredible”
    is truely that.

    Somehow I thought if I just did “more” his narcissistic light would shine on me again… but for what…? What was I thinking? I guess I was afraid of failure. The world I gave up to be with him. My pride kept me in a cage of misery and fear of the future.

      • Valentine says

        Burned, wowsers, he IS delusional….but aren’t they all? I also believed if I changed myself into something more attractive then he would come back. NOT.

        As for being his wife…I am sure you are grateful you are no longer with him. He sounds like a serial husband…its like a merry-go-round with him.

        I love it when they post crap on FB and then are appalled when people say shit on their wall about it. I am sure people who are his ‘friends’ on FB are doing a mental eye-roll (or not) and asking the same question: WTF? weren’t you married umpteen times to umpteen women?

        I am truly amazed at the shit that comes out of their mouths and how it makes such PERFECT sense to them when the rest of us are like: YOU ARE SERIOUSLY RIDING THE CRAZY TRAIN AREN’T YOU?

        Look, I was afraid of failure too….a failed marriage, a life that I would no longer have, how I would face friends and family, etc…I suppose that was MY pride too. I had to hit rock bottom in the marriage until it occurred to me that I had to get out to save myself. I have never looked back.

        Sugar, in the words of Frank Sinatra: you’ve got the world on a string and you’re sitting on rainbow… ;)

  50. MM Burned says

    and another favorite
    we have our house on the market – i moved out because he made it totlayy untenable to live there. coming in at any time with no notice, telling me who and could visit and when, telling me (AND putting in writing) that my daughter and I couldn’t call it “our house” or “our home” – we has to call it our residence (?WTH?)
    Now he bemoans that he and the OW are having to pay not only for the homes they each lived in with their spouses, but their apartments as well. OOOH i feel so sorry for him. He had the nerve, as they considered moving back into the home he and I shared, to send me 8 emails bemoaning the fact that they might have to do that because it was going to be “SO DIFFICULT EMOTIONALLY” for him to live in the house. You gotta be kidding – he wants pity from me? LOL He go zero response.

    • Valentine says

      Oh yes I got that too….he moved in with his affair partner (now his wife) in the house she owned with her previous husband. BUT we were going through divorce and he said he could no longer afford to pay for two residences and he was going to quit paying on ours (he was ordered to pay half of home expenses until it was sold). Oh and I heard the ‘it is so emotional’ coming back to our house and how ‘weird’ it was that he needed to ring the doorbell. Too bad, so sad.

      One question: why haven’t you changed the locks? I changed the locks the day I served him with divorce papers. He can no longer come and go as HE pleases. This is divorce. How did he put this in writing? Was this through a court order? If not, then you have every right to tell him to go f*** himself and the horse he rode in on. My ex basically tried the same crap with me and I laughed in his face and told him he was delusional. Also, when he left he gave up all rights…don’t fall for his controlling bullshit.

      • MM Burned says

        Oh yeah – and for the longest time he didn’t want to get a divorce
        “what’s your hurry” “being married makes me feel secure” (I love that one…)

      • TKM says

        My jerk moved in with OW right away but promised kid she could finish HS in our home. 6 months later he is whining about cost of home and says home has to be sold and is refusing to pay any of
        mortgage. Got a job in another state and a great lawyer so we are moving out end of month and jerk will have to pay for everything for the home until it sells or he can move in and stop paying “rent” to OW

      • Karen says

        I got something similar when the ex tried to convince me to reconcile, 8 months after I discovered his new affair. “This is much harder than I thought it would be. You must find that too?”
        I answered “No, it’s about like I thought it would be, that’s why I tried so hard to avoid it for 14 years”.

        This after his admitting he hadn’t actually made any effort to make the relationship better or make me happier, during those 14 years. Hadn’t even thought of that possibility! We’d been together about 2 years when he told me “I worked really hard to do well in school, I work really hard at work. Why should I have to put an effort into my relationship too?” I should have walked right then, but I stupidly believed he didn’t actually mean that.

        • says

          Karen, I think we were married to the same man. Mine said he had to expend a lot of energy to stay happy in our marriage. Like I didn’t? And marriage isn’t easy, I’m pretty sure everyone has to expend energy. WTF.

  51. MM Burned says

    Aah Valentine…
    It just goes without saying – what the hell was I thinking. I insulated myself emotionally with 65 pounds during our 21 year tenure together – and once I found “them” damn if that weight didn’t just “go away” like magic in about 14 months – how did that happen?!
    I always felt like I had “me” somewhere inside of me and I have found that I was there all along. People notice I’m myself again, I smile, I laugh, I’m happy, they’re happy for me. The dips##t can glow in his own self-importance, but it’s not my bag anymore.

    • TKM says

      Dear MM,
      Same story for me – I had gained 53 pounds and lost it quickly after he left. I am back to my old self. He had complained plenty about my being overweight – I am sure I embarrassed him. Every time I would try to go on a diet it would only last a couple days because he would complain how he couldn’t eat that kind of food. Then he would glare at me as I are the food he wanted to eat – meat and potatoes or pasta and lots of bread. He told me I should make a separate meal for myself so I would loose weight but why should he have to suffer with diet food when his weight was fine? What a jerk. I should have seen then what a looser he was.

      He also started becoming obsessed with fitness in the last year. At 47 playing pickup soccer with 20 year olds and we should all being applauding what a magnificent athletic specimen he was. He was always trying to get my daughter to arm wrestle him at dinner which she would refuse. Then he would take his shirt off to show is his muscles and flex his biceps. My daughter and I both thought WTF was going on with him at the time. Turns out he was hot and heavy in his cheating relationship with the 15 year younger OW.

  52. MM Burned says

    We moved out of the house in Nov – but because we have joint ownership my state allows him unfettered access (unless I have a PFA) and his comings and goings were non-stop. At first after he left he said he wouild call before coming over blah blah – that didn’t last because he is a SOCIOPATH.
    My sis, a psychologist, after saying “answer yes or no to the following as it pertains to him” and read me the DSM-IV for “sociopath” after I answered yes to 13 of 16 questions – she laughed and told me what she was reading! Sick humor. Keeps you laughin’

    • Kelly says

      Yes MM Burned, during a counseling session my psychologist takes out the same book and starts asking me questions, and then tells me my ex fits the description for “anti social personality disorder” (new name for sociopath/psychopath). Wonderful. Nothing can prepare you for the chilling moment when you realize there is nothing in there, at least nothing good. Sick humor is the only way to go!!!

    • Valentine says

      MM, my therapist at the time also told me that my ex was a Sociopath. I was flabbergasted when she said that because I had never considered him as such but it makes perfect sense now. It also made me realize that this was the REAL him and that nothing I did or said would ever change that or him for that matter. That was a real turning point for me in my mind. Even though we were already divorcing, I tortured myself for months and years going over it in my head: what if I had done this or that, blah, blah, blah…

      She told me that, more than likely, my ex wanted to be the good person and that it was just a façade that he could not keep up with and that finally his REAL personality broke through and his narcissistic tendencies took over.

      If you’re not seeing a therapist/psychiatrist, I would recommend it. I learned a lot about myself, my ex and what I needed to heal myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am still a work in progress and healing takes a while but it is so worth it!

  53. Karen says

    My absolute fave stupid thing the ex said, during the first weeks of our separation;

    “I know I’m a very negative person, I have a bad temper, I don’t really know how to ‘do’ relationships, I stress and bring home the stress, I can only see the bad stuff in every aspect of my life, never the good. So what I need is a woman who doesn’t bring this out in me!”

    That’s when I knew there was NO point in talking about anything, ever again, for any purpose, other than practical issues about the kids.

  54. Janet says

    My husband tells me “He and the OW NEVER argue.” How can they argue when they only talk on the cell phone and text alot. I us e to try and deflect the negative conversation and was told I was playing devil’s advocate.

    • HearthBuilder says

      Isn’t it funny? We get to deal with the bills, the laundry, and the hassles of real life and the affair partners get the romance, the excitement, and the sex. No wonder real reconciliation is so rare.

      • Janet says

        In my fantasy revenge world she comes down here to live in my house and one day when he is in a bad mood he will start treating her the way he treats me. Wake up call OW

        • HearthBuilder says

          Same here except I fantasize about her getting a dose of real life from him and thinking “Maybe old HB wasn’t so bad.” I’m very attentive, loving, and safe. She just got bored; but, maybe when the “sparks an butterflies” wear off I won’t seem so ridiculous. One can hope.

          Anyway Janet, I hope by the time your revenge comes to pass, you’ve got a great life and maybe a great guy and you can look at it an go “Meh…” That would be the sweetest revenge of all.

          • Janet says

            HearthBuilder when I have to leave the home he and I bought together and that I have lovingly attended to for 16 yrs I will never come back and my heart will have such a wall around it that I won’t let him back in. It has to be that way because way to often in my life that man I was involved with would move on and a few months later (about 6 ms) would call “oh I mss you etc…” I am a great woman. I have to go NC with him he is the one that has broken my heart worse than any man I ever knew and the one that could find his way back in. I am too vunerable to him. I hope you are going on to build a great life.

            • HearthBuilder says

              Stay strong Janet, and make sure that wall only applies to him and others like him. I hope he beats his brains out on it.

              I feel like I’m vulnerable to my wife too. In fact, I’ve described myself as a cracked open tooth with bare nerves exposed. She knew the pain I was in and still ran off to be with him whenever she felt like it. And yet, I get a stupid text from her about nothing and some idiotic part of my brain goes “Hey maybe this was just a nightmare and now it’s over. Maybe this can be salvaged.” This site really helps provide perspective.

              • Janet says

                I went through the same thing a couple months ago but my therapist says I am getting past the denial and although she is not big on telling people what to do she told me to dump the idiot. Still there is a stupid part of my brain that wishes different. And you are right I must hit the CL site a couple time of day for moral support

  55. TK says

    I just got some good ones.

    Ex: I only made “one” mistake. This after he admitted (probably not the whole truth) to having sex with 3 women and then me finding out that he has been chatting and meeting with more for over 1 1/2 yrs.

    Ex: I have been really good to you.
    Ex: I only did it out of the insane fear that you were going to cheat on me and it drove me to make poor choices.

    I found a naked text from a girl. I left him but he convinced me that it was random and that he hadn’t been in contact with her. Even had her send me a text explaining that she hadn’t been with him for 3 years….RIGHT! But of course, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
    After that, one month later I found he was on Adult Friend Finder and found email after email to other women wanting to meet with them. I confronted him and he denied it all until I actually SHOWED him the messages. Then he tried to say that after the picture debacle that he had “quit” at which time I pointed out to him that they had date stamps on them. Last week, I found out he actually was still meeting people after the picture issue and then he said:
    Well, I thought that you had left me for good so it didn’t matter.

    He has begged me, told me he would do anything to save our relationship and then tried to blame it on my lack of commitment (we are not married but he asked me repeatedly). I was hesitant to marry him because he had freely admitted to me that he had cheated on his 1st two wives. But of course, “im different, He would never cheat on me because he has never felt like this before, I am his soulmate…..blah, blah, blah”

    How pathetic am I that I still think I should try counseling with him, all while knowing I should just tell him to get lost. I have been in several abusive relationships and they all say thee same damn things. Help!

    • Karen says

      Get yourself a really good counsellor or therapist, and start thinking of this as an addiction. You can’t work out a live-able relationship w/heroin, nor w/a serial cheater. Actually, if you have a clean and legal source, you can probably actually have a MUCH better life w/heroin than you can w/a repeat cheater!

      Work towards going No Contact, and when you slip, go right back to it. Figure out what things you tell yourself that make being in touch w/him sound like a good idea, and figure out why those thoughts are WRONG. Be patient with yourself, and keep working on taking better care of yourself. It can take a while, but you can be so much happier.

    • HearthBuilder says

      You’re not pathetic TK, you’ve just picked some pathetic guys to hang around. All I can say is there are a lot of good guys out there (me included once I get myself straightened out after spending my entire adult life in what appears to have been a sham marriage) who would give anything to be with someone sincere and true.

    • Janet says

      You didn’t marry him because of an instinct gut reaction and quite frankly he has shown his true colors. Seriously, find a therapist.

  56. TK says

    Interestingly after my ex-husband abused me, I went to abuse counseling and support groups and told me to make boundaries and stick to them and to most of all trust my gut.

    I have somehow forgotten all of that great advice. I have let him stomp on my boundaries many times all in the hopes that ours is a safe, wonderful, one of a kind relationship. HA!

    HE gave me another great excuse tonight…. “I was lonely”. And yes I know that I need to go NC with him and I am working on it. I definitely have some co-dependency issues here.

    • Yoder says

      TK, have you ever been in a crowd and felt so terribly lonely? I have and I can tell you that you can get over it. You WILL meet new people, you WILL learn to make a new life, you WILL “get over him” and you WILL be so very glad you did. A few moments of pleasure, or feeling secure is no way to live the rest of your life. You are allowing him to control your feelings, feelings that are yours to control, not him. You owe this turkey not one damn thing. He is misery, walking, talking and doing what makes him happy, not you. Take care of yourself. Make YOU numero uno and kick his sorry ass as far away from you as you can. Empower yourself…I give you permission to become the strongest person you can be. Now that you have permission, GET OUT THERE AND TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS!

        • HearthBuilder says

          Ditto Janet. This process, and the possibility of one day meeting someone, made me realize that I’ve been so freaking lonely for so long I think I forgot what the alternative used to feel like.

        • MM Burned says

          Remembering that… not a good feeling.
          My sister pointed out – after the “whole thing” reared it’s ugly head – that though I would touch my ex on the shoulder, or whatever, that he never simply touched me… as he walked by, or was (seldom) standing near, or anything. I now am in a wonderful, loving relationship where I am loved, respected, supported, encouraged, and am ALLOWED TO DO THE SAME.. After so many years it’s foreign to me to have such a normal relationship. Frankly it was hard to adapt. As if, still, upon occasion, I’m waiting for something bad, I waiting for the sneer, the turn away, whatever. I cherish my man, and what he has allowed me to be and give, and what he is has given me. There is life… You can have it.

        • tamara says

          One day, while sitting on my front porch drinking a margarita by myself while my X was somewhere else on the property sitting outsideby himself , I had what I call my George Thoroughgood Epiphany. I really don’t like George Thoroughgood…. think he’s a Napoleonic no talent hack. Always laughed at his songs, especially “I drink alone”. But here I was sipping at an excellent marg, enjoying the summer night in Colorado and feeling totally lonely with my spouse less than 100 yards away. Suddenly, I started singing ….”and when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.”

          I laughed til I almost cried… spouse didn’t even turn his head.

  57. HearthBuilder says

    How about this one?

    “I might be able to stay with you for the kids sake. I just have to learn to redefine happiness.”

    Thanks. Don’t trouble yourself on my account. It was only a 24 year relationship after all.

    Or when I said I was considering divorce:

    Wife: “I always let you take the lead on big decisions so if you think that’s best…”

    What I really said: *stunned silence*

    What I thought of later: “How about the decision to have sex with other men? That was a big one. I think I would have gone an entirely different route on that one.”

  58. GladIt'sOver says

    During the divorce process, the now-ex sent an email to my attorney. He wrote that “It’s not true I told Glad I was interested in another woman….. I told her I was interested in TWO other women.”

    He also sent my attorney an email complaining I had “gone on a shopping spree at Walmart.” Because I lost 30 pounds IN ONE MONTH after dday, I needed to buy some new clothes that fit. Spent $200 at Walmart OF MY OWN MONEY, and he complained about my “shopping spree”. My friends still tease me about that.

    Right after dday, he quit his six-figure, excellent job he’d always claimed to love, and sent my attorney an email saying that due to the stress of my filing for divorce (though he was having multiple affairs and had told me he didn’t love me and never should have married me) he had decided to “pursue his dream and calling” of becoming an actor.

    It’s been three years and so far he’s made around $15,000 in this “dream.” He lost our house to foreclosure, filed bankruptcy, wiped out his retirement fund, lives in his sister’s spare bedroom and is around $25K behind in support money.

    He now says he’s a motivational speaker, he wrote a book about how “inspirational” he considers himself and he has a local radio show where he is presented as a “relationship expert.”

    • Kelly says

      Oooooo Glad, my ex is now an “inspirational speaker, consultant and business coach”. He holds himself out as a role model and paragon of passion and commitment. This is a man who cheated on me for at least 17 of the 25 years of our marriage with 2 co-workers I thought were family friends, sometimes group sex, and sometimes in our home with my children and me sleeping upstairs. Of course never used condoms. My ex claims to be such a leader but he never actually made it for long in the financial services industry in which he worked, and I am the one who carried him and our family financially during our marriage (while he played around in whatever of the numerous jobs he held and wined and dined his crazy sex partners on my dime). Oh, and the people employed by him in his new consulting business are none other than—his group sex partners—helping lead people in integrity, commitment and honor. Seriously, you can’t make this shit up.

      • HearthBuilder says

        The faithless dickhead who wants to destroy you financially is going to consult on leadership??? That’s so typical. I’ve been a senior manager for a long time in the business world but I’ve always been the proudest of, and most invested in, my position as the leader of my family. I can’t say it’s worked out that great; but, it wasn’t because I didn’t try or care. How can life be so unfair Kelly? Don’t you feel like you want a refund or a do-over.

        • HearthBuilder says

          Also I just realized that it’s Nord’s ex that is bent on financial revenge. Sorry Kelly, I guess grief affects more than just my typing.

  59. GreenGirl says

    Walmart? You crazy spender you. Better keep a hold of her cards, who knows what she’ll do next.

    Imagine. A whole 200 dollars.

    • Lori L says

      God forbid any of us spend money on things that even Social Services considers “necessities” on a yearly basis. $200…? Shopping spree… Tee hee hee… They will try to get away with nailing us for anything while hiding assets from us or just flat out not paying support in many cases. Unreal. That’s what I keep coming back to when I read these posts. It’s unreal what we have gone through. No one should have to go through these kinds of harassments.

      The whole point of marriage is supposed to be two people who love one another. If they divorce, it’s supposed to be sad, but the love should just die in a week, a day, an afternoon! I would expect people to be sad but still care for one another’s well being. It amazes me how quickly my ex, who loved me and wanted to work things out in the week after the final day, all of a sudden didnt love me or our kids anymore.

      I know now its because he never did. It’s just such a mindfuck.

      • Lori L says

        That statement should read “love shouldn’t die” not love should… I am trying hard to get used to the auto complete on this tablet. Sorry.

  60. Karen says

    Another fave stupid thing the ex said;

    So, I’ve found out about this second affair, confronted him, told him the relationship is over, offered to move out (w/the kids) and he’s insisted the kids and I stay in the house, he’ll get a place. He spends a long weekend in NY w/his shmoopsie, pretty much breaking my kids’ hearts (they’ve seen very little of him for months while he’s working in another city, we’ve announced the separation, then he chooses to spend that weekend w/her, and doesn’t contact them during it). Then he stalls on getting a place for almost 2 months, when he’s home on weekends he’s sleeping in the guest room and trying to act like nothing much has changed. I finally get him a place, I go with him to make sure he signs the lease.

    As we’re leaving his new place, he says ‘this is just temporary, right?’.
    And I’m so clueless, I think he means he’s not going to spend the rest of his life in a one-bedroom rental. So I say ‘right;.

    Only much later do I realize he actually thinks he’s going to be coming back! Cheeesh!

  61. Yoder says

    Cheaters stay in denial until they literally have nothing, then and only then, it hits them, they are shocked to face reality.

  62. Jamie R. says

    It was when we were fighting.

    I had nowhere else to go.

    We used a condom.

    I was fucked up and she climbed on top of me.

    It was only one night.

    It was only two nights.

    I can’t remember I was fucked up.


  63. Emily says

    Him: It wasn’t supposed to happen. It was an accident.
    (Really? You accidently hopped on a plane to Vegas to meet up with an ex-girlfriend, and share a bed in a hotel? But you didn’t think anything would happen?)

    Then, about 2 weeks later, after I’m still upset: When are you going to forgive me? God forgave me and I forgave myself!
    (Wow. That’s very big of you to forgive YOURSELF! You don’t forgive yourself! You forgive the people you hurt…like your wife!)

    • GreenGirl says

      Nice to know God forgave him. I take it he has a close and personal relationship with God. After all, it wasn’t like he broke his promise made before the Lord to, what was it? “forsake all others”

      • Patty says

        When I told my husband he’d broken that vow, he said ‘I don’t remember that being part of the marriage ceremony! No, that’s not in there.’

  64. marcie says

    Been divorced for 14 years from a serial cheater (after 17 yrs together) and now married to a dedicated, hardworking, respectful man for the last 8. But the trauma of the years with the cheat still linger – and maybe cuz our youngest graduates from HS this month, and I will have to see/speak to x for the first time in years …seems a bit fresh lately… but here’s some oldie but goldies to contribute:

    1) I love you but I really, really LIKE her
    2) She feels really bad about this too
    3) I was never sober when I cheated with anyone else… just so you know that.
    4) You look really good – but if we split up it’s gonna be hard for you to find someone else because you’re such a bitch ;
    5) Oh, so you have to be all righteous and sleep on the couch?…I made a mistake, I said I was sorry.
    6) you are so emtionally emeshed with me – there’s got to be more to your life .
    7) and finally, “you just don’t know how to have fun”. … guilty – supporting a family in a town where I knew no-one, having small children and an incredibly demanding job, and putting you through 9 yrs of higher education.,while you charmed the co-eds, yep, I was just such a bore –

    My youngest turns 18 in 6 weeks – I can sleep easy now knowing that if something happens to me he can’t swoop in and end up raising my kids .

  65. GladIt'sOver says

    Ex NPD husband was a personal trainer in a big exercise group. He had affairs with two married women in the group simultaneously. He explained to me that both of them were pursuing him very aggressively, so to discourage them (because he would never cheat, you know!) he told them the only way he would sleep with them is if they had a threesome. He claimed he said this to scare them off. Because I guess just saying, “No, I’m not interested and I’m faithful to my wife.” wouldn’t have been discouraging enough.

    They had the threesome.

    He went on to have a very intense affair with one of them, desperately trying to get her to dump her husband. He continued using the other as a fuck buddy, and triangulated these women like crazy. The whole thing lasted for months, and maybe is still going on for all I know.

    Oh, and he also said many times that he wasn’t having sex, he was helping the serious affair partner “work on her marriage” because he would NEVER sleep with a married woman.

  66. Yoder says

    Gladit’sOver, story after story, comment after comment, I continue to be amazed at how stupid these cheaters become and seem to believe we are too. We are not stupid, we are trusting. I refuse to change my values just because their’s are in the dumpster. I go to bed with a clear conscience, they don’t. I can hold up my head, still proud of who I am, they can’t. I do not sneak around to avoid people, they do. They will have to live with the fact that they have broken man’s law, God’s law and our promise to each other. I may die trying, but I will get through this, but he will never be able to unfuck the OW. Living with that for the rest of his life has already begun to wear on him. About all I have left for him is disgust.

    • TKM says

      Dear Yoder,
      Amen to that. I have basically only seen the soon to be x a few times since he left 9 months ago. I do run into the OW at work – her office is across the hall from mine. I find it hilarious how she skulks around the building trying to avoid me. I have made sure to tell EVERYONE she is having an affair with my husband and that the both of them are dog turds. I took a job in another state starting in Sept so my daughter and I can start over. We both are changing our last names back to my maiden name as
      part of our fresh start. It is helping us both feel like we pressed the reset button on life and this version doesn’t include the dog turd.

  67. Yoder says

    Really, it is just such a “collective” story. If you substitute nouns for pronouns, and acronyms for descriptions, it truly becomes a universal story. There isn’t even an age or gender differentiation. Not even length of marriage seems to matter. I am far too close

    • Yoder says

      I am far too close to it right now, but I can see a screen play coming. Wonder how many will recognize themselves and their ex’s and ow’n? Have a great opening in mind, but of course, can’t write the ending until I get there.

    • Really says

      And thanks to CL, chumps all over can see they are not alone and that integrity, facts, and responsibility are still valued today.

  68. Yoder says

    Kelly, I don’t know that misery loves company, but we certainly love sharing it with other paddling the same canoe.

  69. marcie says

    I can tell you from experience it does get so much better and easier although for me, there remains some internal residual damage that floats to the top every once in a while. Once the doors and windows open and the toxic air blows out, things start to smell and feel – fresh. Only words I have to explain it. You wait for the really hard stuff to happen once you’re on your own – and it doesn’t – because even the hard things are easier than what you put up with; and one day you realize that 500 lbs of weight is lifted from your shoulders and you didn’t even you you felt it, until it was gone.

    I blossomed and I mean really, really just blossomed after I finally walked away. My friends today totally can’t believe it when I tell them that for 10 years I was alone – totally alone and had no friends or life outside of work and family because he either screwed them or alienated them. Before and after pics in photo albums provide the proof. I look 15 years older than my age just by the lines in my face – in the old “couple snaps” and de-aged within a quick year or so afterwards. At 28 I looked 40 and at 38 I looked 29 (smile).

    Unwinding yourself from the cheat takes some dedicated effort, and it’s hard to get past being mad at yourself for having put up with it sometimes – but nothing, nothing, nothing replaces the feeling that you know who you are, what your values are, and finding that your own dignity is worth every once of your protection. It does get much, much easier and life is/will be soooooo much better. Promise.

    • anotherErica says

      Marcie – so glad to hear that! Makes me so happy to hear about chumps that have moved on and found real happiness.

      I feel like I’ve moved on a lot, but a part of me feels like I’m still waiting for my new life to start. I guess it just takes time…

  70. Yoder says

    Macie, You give such feelings of hope. Self doubt can be so overwhelming. Just a little optimistic hope really helps.

  71. TJ53 says

    I want to play…. :)

    Her: I was selfish and only thinking of myself.
    Me: Um, no shit Sherlock! So you’re hoping “what”, that this bullshit answer will make the questions about your affair stop?

    Her: My counselor has advised me to move past this. Why can’t you?
    Me: So let me get this straight, It’s been 1 freaking month and a so called professional has made this absurd and ridiculous assumption, so I should just respect that… suck it up and get over it already!?

    Her: I don’t want you to read my emails or texts to him. It will only hurt you more.
    Me: OK, so what you’re REALLY saying to me is that you don’t want me to know ALL the fucked up scummy details about what you actually did!?

    Her: I can’t help you heal from this because I’m not you… and I don’t understand what you’re going though.
    Me: Why don’t you just be honest for once in your miserable broken life and tell me what you’re really thinking, e.g.,Hey fuckhead!, I JUST LOST MY LOVER., I hurt too dammit!

    Her: When I said “I love you” to him, I meant it like I would say it to a good friend or relative.
    Me: Except you didn’t FUCK those good friends or relatives. But hey, it’s only semantics right?

    Her: I now realize how much I love and want you.
    Me: NO, you’re scared shitless because you now realize that your free meal ticket just may have an expiration date printed on it!

    And my all time favorite….

    Her: No we didn’t use condoms! He has been married for over 35 years, just like us. We don’t use condoms do we?
    Me: OK uncle!, I give up :-0

    Particulars… Her affair lasted 3-1/2 years. 11 months of false reconciliation ended when I found out she was still in contact with affair partner. Divorce will be final on 6/6/13 (prophetic date don’t you think?) The end.

    • GreenGirl says

      “Her: When I said “I love you” to him, I meant it like I would say it to a good friend or relative.
      Me: Except you didn’t FUCK those good friends or relatives. But hey, it’s only semantics right?”

      You should have said, “so you sleep with your good friends and relatives. If this is something other members of your family do as well that would explain a lot.”

      Of maybe just a horrified, “you sleep with your good friends and relatives!?!”

      • Kara says

        Oo! Another good thing you could have said is “So how many of your relatives have you slept with then?”


    • Valentine says

      Oh my gawd! Seriously, the shit they say it completely amazing.

      You have some winners there TJ. :(

      D-Day is soon for you…

      The anniversary of my Divorce is on Mother’s Day, May 12th. YAY!

    • GullibleMe says

      But hey, it’s only semantics right?

      – yup, I got the same thing about it being a brother-sister love. Even though the same series of texts had “goodnight sexybum” and the phone bill revealed hundreds of dollars of calls and texts to her incl. during the day when “you mustn’t ring me / disturb me at work”!!!

      But apparetnly SHE threw herself at him when he was “vulnerable”. The phonecalls instigated by you, mate, tell a different story.

  72. MM Burned says

    … it took him 6 months to admit to sex… all the fake time in counseling… all the pretend attempts… the trip to Mexico with our daughter – he was loaded the whole time…
    Her husband and I (as we were all “friends” of course) sorted it out… comparing notes… dates… It caused me to research his turnpike pass, his phone records, his check register, his credit card receipts… man – he even just regularly charged the motel room on his regular checking account debit card!

    I finally called him from work “i need to see you now”


    “I’ll be home in 10 minutes”

    he was upstairs in his office… I asked..

    “did you have sex with (OW)?”

    he turned and looked at the wall…


    “why have you lied to me for so long?”


    Wow – what a man of high moral standing.

    • HearthBuilder says

      MMB, how did he react when it came out? I mean do you think he wanted to get caught or do you think he was just so cocky that he thought he never would? My wife worked pretty hard not to get caught but she had it a lot easier (SAHM with ample free time and no suspicion from me).

      • MM Burned says

        Actually Hearth Builder – he said more than once – I think I wanted to get caught… he said he was a bad liar.
        That was wierd, I think it was getting to be “too much” for him.
        Strangely enough after so many years of lies, I still had a shred of empathy for him. He said after I caught him with his pants down – so to speak – “I always hoped you would find someone else” said I”drove him away because I was “jealous and resentful”. In fact those were the first words he said to me when I caught him with the OW. What bullshit. She was not the first I had been told about and knew about, just the most pervasive. I had such blinders on becasue I had goven up so much to move 5 states away to be with him… and corporate directorship. left my family and friends, moved my then 11 and 6 kids, only to – within two weeks – have him say ” oh why donlt you just buy that house across the street and lets not get one together. (this was 1990). I actually lost my cookies as they say, lost custody of my kids, and had a hard time “coming back”. I was so blind to the signs and held on harder and harder to his gossamer promises and declarations which misted away within a few months of my move. I was so foolish and as time passed, I realized I would not get out whole with my head up unless I caught him red handed….
        He allegiance was never with me… his favorite term “whatever” to any comment, query or reply.
        I really was beaten down emotionally by all of this.
        Once I found him and went through a very humilitating “pick me” dance for 6 months – the truth was revealed. I think I held on so long because it was just the status quo.
        We went through 5 months of joint counseling sessions; it was revealed after DDay that he had told his counselor right off the bat that he had told me he had sex with the OW,,, I discoved that tidbit when I had the “joint” counseling session wothout him after DDay.
        What I do know is the whole marraige was a sham.
        I have a beautiful 15 year old daughter that I cherish… (he was screwing OW while I was pregnant I understand now – but that’s his problem.)
        had I never lifted up roots and moved here – I would have never met the man I now love. Strangely enough, he is a friend of 43 years of my STBX and who’s wife, one of my best friends, passed away.
        What I have learned:
        BE HONEST
        BE KIND
        There’s gonna fallout, know that the fallout will inculde people you don’t expect – not even in a million years.
        Know to that you have so much support that’s in the wings – people that you don’t even know about.
        As my mother always said ‘IF YOU CANT SAY SOMETHING NICE DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL” If you want to tell your “story” do it by action – keep the
        gory details to yourself (that’s why I like this site – I can bitch).
        My STBX was telling everyone I would F==K anyone… geee that’s hard to believe – I never even went out but ONCE for a friend’s birthday party , and I was so uncomfirtable being out… He said all kinds of crap to make himself look good. In the end, NAAAA. Didn’t work.
        He still has his supporters, but I never liked them anyway.
        I’ve got a great life.
        I have great friends and family who I love and who love me.
        My business made it through withouit my full attention – I little worse for the wear, but good.
        My focus is on my daughter, who has had to grow uo too fast, and I have so much support, faith and love from my dear friend who loves me and lets me love him.

        I’ve said in other posts how my STBX and the OW are moving into the house my ex and i own… I couldn;t give a rats ass, frankly. Got another text this weekend how it was “so emotionally hard” for him – so many of my :personal items: were still there: Boohhoo.. I’ll get the belongings out on my own time. …and don’t throw out my cookie cutters you asshole. …NOR all my big kids stuff in the attic. Just because you spread shit all over our lives doesn’t mean we each don’t have some shred of good memories. I guess he knows none of those include HIM. BooHoo for you.

        • Janet says

          I read your post this AM I am struggling so hard here. It becomes more and more apparent to me that as much as my husband keeps saying he wants a divorce he is not going to lift 1 finger towards the process; leaving it all on me. I feel so hurt. Damn it I am not the on who is involved with another person, I did not ask for the divorce. If I start the process there is no turning back and as much as I sure there is not much left to salvage here damn it I still care about him. He is so helpless when it come to real world stuff I keep telling him even if we mediate a financial agreement he still should consult a lawyer but no… he just doesn’t. I am frustrated, angry and so sad that he is forcing me to this.

          • MM Burned says

            Do what you need to do for yourself, He’s an adult and has to take care of his own life. “He is so helpless when it come to real world stuff..” He was certainly able to cheat wasn;t he?
            Take care of yourself and don’t get sucked into his neediness. Read “Pick Me” a thousand times…

              • GullibleMe says

                yes it is passive agressive, the inertia default.

                His excuse for never helping me with the kids/housework/family holidays: “you just want to dominate and control everything…so I leave you to your own devices” – well it is a catch-22. I am so exhausted from doing everything because he wn’t lift a finger that I do not pay him enought attention. So he seeks and finds that attention outside our marriage – from the first skank who comes along who “just wants to enjoy life” (read: blows all her money on alcohol and gambling then complains she can’t afford to feed her kid. Yet works FULL-TIME and pays subsidized rent)

    • Valentine says

      MM Burned, did he think you wouldn’t check after the serial liar he had become? You were supposed to take his word on face value? HAHA!

      ‘“BECASUE SHE DIDN’T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW. I PROMISED HER I WOULDN’T TELL ANYONE”—this takes the cake! So he could keep his promise to her but not to YOU, HIS WIFE?

      Indeed, a man who is true to his word…whenever it suits him.

      Sorry you are going through this…

  73. Yoder says

    This is for those of us who are over forty. In my case waayyyyy over forty. From Andy Rooney. I too, can hardly wait to get out.

    Andy Rooney’s thoughts on women over forty:
    As I grow in age, I value women who are over forty most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over forty will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think.

    If a woman over forty doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting.

    A woman over forty knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of forty give a hoot what you might think about her or what she’s doing.

    Women over forty are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

    Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.

    A woman over forty has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women. Women over forty couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won’t betray her.

    Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over forty. They always know.

    A woman over forty looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over forty is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

    Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

    Yes, we praise women over forty for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of forty-plus, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some twenty-two-year-old waitress.

    Ladies, I apologize.

    For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,” here’s an update for you. Now 80 percent of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

  74. Valentine says

    Thank you Yoder for that! I thought of you yesterday on Mother’s Day as well…All the ‘mother’s’ were asked to take a pic and I was reminded how bittersweet it was for me. Glad that I did not pro-create with the assclown and a little sad because I really did want to be a mother. Ah well! I am HAPPY now…even though I don’t have children, I am in a much better place in ALL ways. :)

    Thanks also for saying that about women over forty! I agree with it wholeheartedly! Andy Rooney got it right!

    Our 40’s is the best time for us to come into our own! :)

  75. Janet says

    I enjoyed my 40’s vaguely remember them on this side of 6o. But I did love the posting Thanks Yoder. I put it on my facebook page and shared it with a couple of my best over 40 friends

  76. Yoder says

    Thanks, I am glad you enjoyed it. When I read it I did an inventory and really came to believe h is a real son of a bitch and nothing he can say or do can ever make up for what he has done. I needed to realize that I will make it with or without another man in my life.

  77. tamara says

    New one…. dealing with the X about picking up some stuff of mine he still has, and he wouldn’t answer my e-mails, and had changed his phone number. He finally called 2 months later.

    Me: i just want my stuff.
    Him: I didn’t answer because you are always so mean to me. You say you will never believe anything I ever say again.
    Me: whatever… when can I drive the ten hours to come get my stuff.
    Me: Really? Never mean to me?
    Him: well I did some despicable things to you, but I’ve already said I was sorry. I’m not mean to you now.
    Me: well, lying to me is pretty mean. Abusing me is mean. Cheating on me is mean.
    Him: Geez… why do you have to keep bringing that up… I am sorry for that every day,, trust me.
    Me: i’ll call you when I get to town. Bye.

    What a tool…..

  78. Nan says

    Me: I found Viagra in your pants pocket while I was doing laundry.
    X: I got it for you! I was just trying it out at the office to see if it worked!

  79. MM Burned says

    I am always amazed that cheaters think that if they have “forgiven themselves” everyone else has/should too! Just amazing. “Why do you always bring that up!” “There you go again” blah blah The are such selfish boors. It comes up every time I have any communication with him. …and I’m supposed to have emparthy for his “pain” of having to move back in [with his girlfriend of 36 (count .em) years} into the house we shared. Boo Hoo. Everyone else is supposed to pour honey all over him while he sprinkles salt and vinegar. Turd.

  80. Yoder says

    I am 66 years old and I am of the opinion that if a guy wants to purchase Viagra, he should be required to bring a note from his wife.

  81. Michelle says

    First time I found out about XH cheating:
    “You never have any time for me. The kids take up all your time.”
    “She rings me and talks to me; you never have the time.”
    Well, if he helped parent the kids he chose to create, I would have more time. Instead he drank rum with his mates, went to the pub and slept. He was away for a week at a time for work – I would call him when he was on the road and he often ‘didn’t have time to talk.’
    Second affair:
    “She is my drug counsellor!”
    XH used speed for work as a truck driver.
    Third (and final affair):
    “You are boring, our marriage is boring, we never have sex, I am entitled to my fun.”
    Me: “And now you are welcome to have all the fun you want. Do I need to get tested for STDs?”
    Him: thinks about it for around 30 seconds….”No I think you should be ok.”

  82. tamara says

    Had to deal with the ex this weekend. After I drove ten hours to get the last of my things, he left me waiting, as usual. Things were going well, and I listened to what he had to say, feeling some chumpy compassion for him. He was spouting the usual about how he would “do anything” to get me back, how his life was not worth living with out me in it (bear in mind, this is after he had stood me up a few times) and “no matter what I do I wish I was doing it with you.” Now, he just moved in with some woman (not the AP, those were, almost, all prostitutes.) So I asked, couldn’t help myself really, when you are in bed with other women, do you think of me? The creep said yes… said he always closes his eyes and wishes it was me. I was grossed out and said so, and his response was :

    ” Those are my feelings, what am I supposed to do, deny them? It would be different if you weren’t alive.”

    I pointed out that I was, indeed, very much alive, to which he said “well, I obviously know that.”

    At first, I thought it was some veiled threat, then it dawned on me. This man has never been a mental giant, or been even close to capable of his own thought processes, usually taking his emotional cues from whoever he is sleeping with. His new woman is a widow, having lost her husband a year ago. The creep is comparing her husband, who died, to me, who moved to New Orleans…..

    How much tidier it would have been had I just died.

  83. Yoder says

    I am so glad you made the decision to get out. So happy you no longer have to be around someone like that. New Orleans sound like a wonderful place to start a new life. If it was good enough for Tennessee Williams, just think what you can do.

  84. peggy says

    when I asked him WHY? this was his answer:
    “I’m a dog…aging man vs. sex…no excuse…right decision for you to break it off with me.”

  85. RockGirl says

    The answer I got to why was: “It’s complicated.”

    I knew then and there we were over and he was a big pus*y because really, it’s not complicated, it is actutally pretty simple. You don’t lie and cheat. End of story.

    Another good one is that “You know, a lot of people have affairs.” Maybe true but WTF, does NOT make it RIGHT!

    The blameshift reasons I got were that “I had red flags about you, we had too much fun, it’s like it we were too good of friends and it was too normal”. He struggled with that I am NOT a co-dependent woman and that we didn’t communicate that much during the day. He and the woman he had an affair with would speak 5-6 times/day please 8-10 emails. I am sorry Mr. Bill, but I got a job, and it’s not to coddle your LAME ASS. In short, he can’t do normal, he is a serial cheater and I got out without too pain on my end.

  86. RockGirl says

    Yes, funny, what he “loved” about our relationship is that it was healthy, normal, fun and we took things slowly, becoming friends, etc. After our 2nd date he told me that he dated some for 11 years and they both cheated on eachother at the end – versus dicussing they were not happy. Red Flag #1. Then came the trust issues. Red Flag #2.

    Not to be too personal but another “Stupid Shit That Cheaters Say” is after the first time we had sex and I didn’t have the BIG O, I shit you not, he said “Well, you obviously are thinking about someone else…” I was floored. No, dumbass, if I was thinking about someone else I wouldn’t freakin’ be here! WTF!

    Nonetheless, I trusted my gut and after stumbling up something odd while in the waiting room of the hospital (he was having his appendix out), I confronted him. And then the “It’s complicated…” bullshit.

    Oh, the odd thing I discovered was while in the waiting room, I noticted he had a new funky wallet. I looked at it and then looked his DL. For no other reason that he was in surgery and I was concerned/missed him, and I justed wanted to look at a picture of him. I put it back and noticted there was another DL in his wallet. It was a woman’s DL, expired in 2010 but I knew what it meant. Confirmed it though by looking at his call log and one email train – which made me want to puke with stuff like “I love you so much, ” NaughtyKisses”

    After I confronted him that night in the hospital, left with his stuff, I went home in disbelief and in a totally fog. However, given that I have a sense of humor, I replaced the other woman’s DL with my senior year HS picture (it’s from 1991)! The following day, he discovered what I did with he DL, he oddly enough didn’t find it too funny!

    REALLY! REALLY? Well, I didn’t find it too funny that he lied and cheated on me, with a married woman to boot. In addition to having different values systems, I guess whe don’t have the same sense of humor!

    RockGirl is now *meh*, indifferent and very happy to be done with FishGuy as he sucks.

    Thanks for the ear. MB xo.

  87. Mary Kate says

    Soon after discovering my husband’s two- year affair with a coworker….

    Me: how could you have done this to our family?!
    Stbxh: I told you! She admires me!
    Me: do you know how much you have hurt us?

    And then…

    STBXH: If your dad wouldn’t have gotten sick and died, I might not have had this affair. You just kept checking on him and not me!! Sue cared about ME!!! I resent your dad for doing this!!

    Can’t make this shit up.

    I’m out after 29 years of marriage.

  88. Yoder says

    Each comment conjures up in my mind, one word, “childish.” Cheaters become so childish about the way in which they rationalize their behavior. After 35 years together, I have raised our children, I do not intend to raise another one.

  89. Mary Kate says

    That’s right, Yoder. They are all a bunch of babies who cry and whine until someone picks them up.

  90. ANR says

    Five-month affair with her boss: “It’s not worth you being so upset about this silly thing that happened.” (I look at her ….. long pause) “that I did.”

  91. OregonRose says

    Dear Chump Lady,
    Wasn’t sure how to post, but here’s my question – What do you think is wrong with people like this – a married couple in an open marriage who go after pretty much anyone they can get, including family members like a brother or sister – whoever will go along with them in 3-way sex or group sex. Nobody is off limits. The whore wife has broken up at least four marriages, has multiple children by multiple partners, a few of which don’t even know they have children because she did not tell them – probably married men. There are no boundaries and anything is okay with them – sex clubs, gang bangs, hired strippers, sex with people they find online, 3-way sex with anyone who will go along with them, sex with family members, friends who will go along with them, co-workers, etc. with no thought or concern about the people they will hurt with their affairs, the marriages which will end, or the families they will tear apart by their actions. The whore wife will be with anyone she can get and has no feelings or concerns about the other women of the men she’s with. All men are fair game. Women are okay with her too. It’s what she does with no regrets almost as if it defines her having control over ruining other people by her power to get what she wants, whoever she wants. Her cuckold husband is okay with this as long as he can watch to take part in the sex in the sex. They appear normal until you become a victim of theirs after they have an affair with your spouse. Once they are found out, they point out that the spouse happily went along with them. They are not responsible for your spouse’s infidelity although they went after them knowing they were married. There is no human feelings of right or wrong, no compassion, no regret, even when families are torn apart. Are these people Sociopaths? Would posting them on Cheaterville be a good warning to others or a feather in their cap? How do people like this live with themselves? What is wrong with someone who has such low morals and decency? I can’t imagine living with the knowledge that you’ve destroyed lives, broken hearts and ruined families. They seem to get off on it.

  92. Kim says

    3 weeks prior to our 1st anniversary: Him: I’m really questioning our compatibility.
    Me: Seriously??? This is just dawning on you now???

  93. GladIt'sOver says

    I was dumb enough to go into an eight-month “reconciliation” with the cheater, despite his staggering infidelity with other men, women, financial disasters, horrible lack of integrity, etc. It turned out, of course, that the only reason he wanted to reconcile was to get out of paying child support, have me move back into the family home, I would work full time and support him while he continued trying to become an actor. I’m pretty sure he was still cheating during this time, too.

    I kept insisting he needed to get some sort of day job, that he needed to be bringing in some money. He refused and said I was just horribly negative, that he would have to find someone else ‘to encourage him” and that if I really loved him, I would want to “ride the roller coaster of his life, even if we crashed and burned.”

    We were sitting at breakfast when he announced, “I don’t see any reason to work on this marriage more, because it’s obvious you aren’t going to accept me if I don’t have a job.”

    Yeah, I’m really unreasonable that way. I kind of expect a man in his late 40s should have some sort of employment beyond making YouTube videos of himself dressed in a Halloween costume and dancing while singing a really bad song he wrote.

  94. Tamara says

    So the conversation on “write a dating profile for your ex” reminded me of a great one…

    It had been less than a month after I moved out, we were still in the “to reconcile or not” discussions and he joined

    Me: wow. that was fast. You’re already trying to date other women. I thought you were devastated by my leaving and couldn’t live without me.
    Him: I’m just trying to meet people. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I’m not trying to date.
    Me: You’re on a dating site.
    Him: Yeah, but I’m nor trying to date, just meet people, you know, new friends.
    Me: Bobby, this is a dating site. You’re trying to meet women.
    Him: Well, I don’t want to meet MEN….
    Me: hahahahahahaha. Did you really just say that? I gotta go.

  95. TJK says

    “It was just an emotional affair.”

    “You need to take responsibility for your part in this.”

    “I felt too guilty to get it up, so I didn’t actually have sex with her.” (when I found underwear).

    “They are for you.” (when I found condoms. Even though he’d had a vasectomy)

    “I only cheated because you did it first.” (I have never cheated).

    When I would caught him in a lie and confronted him: “You are denying my reality.”

    When my 13 year old son found nude photos of him and a woman and messages between them on his computer, he accused me of finding them and showing our son.

    “I’ve never had this problem in any of my other relationships.” (like it is somehow my fault he cheated)

  96. AC says

    “I am trying to decide between you two” – WTF? yeah, I’ll sit here and wait, you go sleep with her! NOT.
    “Don’t meddle by contacting here and ruin it for me” – but of course I did, she had no clue!
    “our relationship was getting silly” – huh?
    “I was cheated on before” – oh so that makes it OK?

  97. Rally Squirrel says

    TJK: “You are denying my reality.” That deserves super-slow-mo applause for the raw dumb-assery of it.

    • TJK says

      He loves the psychobabble. Anything he has gotten from a therapist, he loves to twist it around. He is really proud of himself, too. Gets this look in his eye like “Aha! Got ya!”

  98. Lou says

    So much stupid shit, but this is my favorite thing he said…My husband and I planned to meet at our vacation house. I went down a day earlier than we scheduled without telling him my plan. Sitting right on the bathroom sink was a bottle of Viagra. It had the date it was filled and was empty. Going by the date I knew we hadn’t had sex since it was filled. When confronted he said he took it ” in hopes of having sex with her “!!! My sweet revenge was getting the prescription transfered to a different pharmacy in a different state right before he went on a trip with her to the Bahamas. He has screamed at me about all kinds of stuff, but he has never said anything about his prescription being transfered.

  99. harmonysmine says

    I haven’t read through all of the comments so it’s possible this has already been covered, but:

    “I love her, but I’m not ‘IN love’ with her (or you, for that matter.) Just what, exactly, does that mean??

  100. tamara says

    Perfect Janet!
    As I always describe my relationship with the ex abuser… Two people deeply in love. Both with the same person.

  101. says

    He said (about the first affair partner): “She’s like a sister to me”

    He said (about the second who he left me for): “I didn’t want us to end up like your mum and dad”.

  102. Polly says

    ” She is an old friend” “We are just catching up” this after he went at 2PM and came home at 2:35 AM. “you don’t understand friendship because you have no friends” Hmmm wonder who it is I have happy hour with once a week. “I am going to bind with her son because he had no father figure” freaking son is near 40 and the only bonding that was done was him pounding on mama until about 11PM and he got home at 1:35 AM. “You neglected me and our marriage” never mind I took care of a dying sibling for a few years, worked a full time job and took care of the house. “The old saying is if I don’t get what I need at home, I will get it some place else” uh yeah ok whatever, I was just as miserable as you but I did not look outside our marriage. “She is funny, she has a great personality and I enjoy talking to her, I will talk to her and if you don’t like it file the papers and I will sign them” Yeah sounded good when he said it, now the lying cheat want half my 401K.

    When I confronted him with truth he said “you don’t know anything about her, you assume you know” Ok then listen to this as I quoted the last line of a text she sent him to talk about what a great time they had. His jaw hit the floor as he asked how I knew and then proceeded to tell me he was not giving up “all he had worked hard for” . I assume this to mean the house with no equity and my 401K.

    “I called her last night and told her it was a mistake and sorry it went down like that” I said really then you have no problem getting rid of pics/vids/sex texts – his response was how did you know about those – uh didn’t until you just admitted they existed. Plus the fact you kept talking to her every day, getting pics of her whoo ha every day and numerous texts, but yet you will not leave the house and move on.

    I swear – I am so ready to be single.

  103. mmburned says

    And golly gee Pollyanna – he wants to stay married because it “makes (him) feel secure”.

    On top of that he lied about his income at the child support hearing, forgot to pay his taxes for three years, and can’t manage to pull together his real estate partnership values for the divorce settlement althought it was requested on 1/2/2012 – that’s eighteen months.

    But he took 12 vacations last year…. substantial vacations.

    And filed for support FROM ME because he can’t make enough money to support himself.

    I swear I an SO READY to be single. He’s a classic case.

    • Polly says

      I am not sure if he really wants to stay married, but he said last Friday “I Do Love You” my response was how can you love me and continue to hurt me the way you do, you don’t do this to someone you love, you just don’t.

      I did not get a text from him the rest of the day but when he came home 2 dozen white roses and dinner out. Certainly did not make up for the hurt he has caused, but I took them and said thank you.

      I think he wants both of us, me for security and her for the kinky sex she likes. I am his third wife and she divorced her third husband because …get this…he CHEATED on her while she took care of her sick dad. How ironic is that?

  104. Des says

    Mine accused me of being overdramatic when i was telling him how he was hurting me and young his son by cheating, and playing the victim when I was crying.

    He cried too. But only when I put down the retainer for the attorney. Priorities :)
    I suspect he may be NPD as well.

  105. EmmaPemma says

    “I am not in a place where I feel comfortable talking about this yet. You need to wait until I am ready, this has been so traumatic.”

    On being told that he had tainted my first weeks with our newborn DD because I found out about his affair when she was 5 weeks old “Dont be so melodramatic”

    and my personal favourite….
    “I love you so much that I am afraid of losing you, I cheated so that I wouldnt care if you left” Eh?! 6 months later and STILL no clue WTF that means!

    • KarenE says

      EmmaPemma, I’ll translate for you! It means;

      ‘I will inflict any kind of pain on absolutely anyone, including the people I’m supposed to love the most, just so I don’t have to feel the slightest twinge of discomfort.’

      • Rally Squirrel says

        OMfreakin’G, EmmaPemma. That last one is just about the sorriest reasoning for an affair I’ve ever heard. And he really expected you to buy it? Stunning.

  106. ANR says

    Wife about OM: “I didn’t realize at the time he was a womanizer.”
    You’d think the fact he was cheating on his wife with a married woman (her) would have been a give-away.

    • Tamara says

      Yeah…. I got something similar.

      My ex had testicular cancer about 15 years before we split and had both testicles removed. Jump 15 years….. He had been seeing the OW for a while, and I guess she became pregnant and had to have an abortion (she was in her early 50s, so I have doubts, but hey, who am I to question her integrity…). When he told me about it he was genuinely mad…. really mad. “I didn’t even know she was seeing someone else.” Like somehow this makes her of less than stellar character.

      Seriously? Do they think they are exempt from that whole, I dunno, commitment to US thing? Oh wait.. yes. Yes they do.

  107. ANR says

    Re marriage counselling: I’m not paying $170/h to be abused (I contribute two thirds of the household income, btw)

  108. ANR says

    Her: I never hear what you feel (in between marriage counselling sessions)
    Me: When do I ever hear what you feel?
    Her: It isn’t about me!

  109. Marles says

    I’ve had serious relationships with 2 of these types now, some of my favorites:
    “She wouldn’t take no for an answer”
    “I am just protecting you from me” (during a breakup 2 years in)
    “She came over and made me cheeseburgers and wanted to talk, what was I supposed to do?” (not have sex with her)
    and my favorite, when I told the decade long on/off ex that he could never treat me right and I was going to find someone who would: “that’s not fair. you say things like that to hurt me on purpose, if I’ve hurt you I’ve never meant to” i.e. I cheated on you because I wasn’t thinking about you at all, so it doesn’t count that it hurt you.

  110. Whit says

    “Haven’t you ever heard of sowing wild oats?!”
    “It doesn’t matter to me, they didn’t mean anything.”
    “I’m broken and I have low-self esteem. I haven’t felt good about myself for a long time, before you”
    “Because they knew me when I was about something”

  111. Yoder says

    Yesterday, this one took the cake.

    “Happy Anniversary.”

    Me: What?

    “It is our Anniversary.

    Me: “That is the last thing I wanted to be reminded of.”

    • Sammie D says

      My X this weekend had our kids, even though it was mothers day would not drop them home early so they could come to church with me. “If they are with him, they are with him” Cant wait till you want them on one of my weekends. No I had to go and collect them after they had gone to church with him.( from the church we all attended as a family prior to his confession 5 months ago, I left but that another story) I get the kids in the car, about to drive away and X walks across to my car head up big grin on his face waits for me to put window down and says “happy mothers day”. Wow “tool.

  112. Jada says

    This one –

    “it was a mistake, I told her it was a mistake” this as he was planning to shack up with her in a motel that very afternoon.

    Oh and he saw a yellow bruise on his chest and he tried to argue it was “not there yesterday” uh yeah it was, it is a hickey that has turned yellow because she bit you while in the motel a few days ago. He asked me had I noticed it before, yep the next morning after it happened.

    We sleep in separate bedrooms btw until divorce is final. I do see him without his shirt but you would think if they have a hickey they would keep it covered. Gee whiz if I were a cheater I would make sure no hickeys or rug burns…LOL

  113. ddame23 says

    Husband grew up Catholic and chose to not engage in intercourse when he was in college. He told me his affair with an 18 year old college freshman (who is his former student) was an attempt to “correct” the things he felt he missed out on by not engaging in sex when he was in college himself. I asked if there were any other things from his youth he needed to correct. He said, “I am a teenager”. My hushand is 37.

  114. ANR says

    (In couples therapy) “I guess I didn’t realized he (me) felt humiliated by it (the affair). I knew he was sad, but humiliated? I hadn’t thought of that.”

    • kb says

      Because nothing makes you feel better than knowing the partner whom you trusted above all else decided to cheat.

  115. EmmaPemma says

    ANother one via text tonight

    “Why do you have to make this all about what I did?”

    Ermm…because I didnt have an affair and cheat on my pregnant wife and convince her that she was mentally ill (instead of 100% correct in her suspicions) and take anti depressants during her pregnancy and you did?


    • Kara says

      “Why do you have to make this all about what I did?”

      Uhhhhmmmm…and I’m just going out on a limb here….beeeecccaaaauuse you did it?

  116. says

    When I went to the Dr. and learned I had an STD, I suggested he tell whoever he was sleeping with so they could go get fixed. He stared at me for an awkward moment and said nothing. A few hours later, after he let the news sink in, he suggested that maybe it wasn’t him who cheated. How did he know it wasn’t me. For an insane moment, I thought maybe he was right, I just didn’t remember! Arrgh!

    • Datdamwuf says

      OMG, when I informed my ex of STI:

      he said: “You must have gotten it from that skank you fucked before me
      I said: “that was 17 years ago, so no I’ve not had it for all those years and he wasn’t a skank”
      he said: “then you cheated on me, AP is too sweet and good to have anything like that”
      I said: “fuck you”
      he called me the C word and proceeded to berate me, I really don’t think his AP gave it to him now, I think a different one did and he never told the woman he was/is with about it at all. A complete asshole he is.

  117. Julie says

    Ah, my STBXH said in a recording I made with him and the OW(caught ya!), my favorite one:

    referring about me to OW “She really needs to get her priorities straight”,

    says my lying scumbag of a husband when he was sneaking around with her and cheating. Yes….yes…. dear… I am definitely the one who has their priorities all screwed up!!!

  118. Can'tWaitToBeFree says

    New here, love all the posts. Here are two of my favorite quotes.

    Early on in the marriage, I had an abnormal pap and had to have a cervical biopsy to determine if I had an HPV infection. After I told the husband about the possibility of an HPV infection, he freaked out. He said, “You know how people always say this isn’t true, but what if you got it from a toilet seat.” Fortunatly for me the biopsy was negative, but what a chump – I should have examined that statement a LOT more closely.

    Fast forward 10 years. As I am reading my DD’s texts, I find one from her to her father saying, ” I hate you because you are cheating on mom with Ms. Jess and I know because Brett told me”. My first offical “discovery”. I talked with DD who told me that she was told all about her father’s indiscretions on the playground in front of all of her friends by this Brett (a friend of the mistresses son). When I confronted the husband about this revalation, he of course denied, denied, denied. Finally he admits to the affair. When I tell him about the conversation with DD, he screams, “You should not be talking to her about this.” Right, because we should just let her be humiliated alone and keep it all bottled up inside. The best part….He says, “Brett hurt her, not me. I didn’t do anything wrong.” He still continues to state this today.

    • EmmaPemma says

      Wow, that is something else! So the person who told her is the bastard and not him? That is another level in self delusion!

  119. EmmaPemma says

    And the latest doozy
    “FFS, you are making this all about YOU and how YOU feel! What about me?”

    Oh boo fucking hoo. I dont want you and neither does she, get over it dickhead.

  120. Janet says

    This from a text to the OW I read on the “secret cell phone” How can you go out with him? He cheated you but I truely love you.” WTF you are cheating on your wife doesn’t that count?

  121. Rally Squirrel says

    When I busted him for flying INTO Miami for work but taking the train all the way across the state and flying OUT of Tampa, where the mystery woman he described as “a friend” lived, I got to have this lovely exchange with him:

    “I just wanted to visit her. But I didn’t stay at her place.”

    “Then where did you stay for two nights? Where are the hotel receipts?”

    Clanking sound of gears turning. “Okay, I did stay at her place, but I slept in the spare room.”

    “Be very careful now. I’ve just caught you in a lie within the last 30 seconds.”

    (Long pause.) “Okay, I did sleep in her room, but we didn’t have sex.”

    “You had NO sex at all? Even oral sex?”

    “Okay, yes, we had oral sex.”

    “Giving or receiving?”


    “And you’re telling me you didn’t have intercourse?”


    “You may as well tell me. I already think you slept with her.”

    Longer pause. “Okay, yes. We did have sex.”

    Ta-da!! Straight from the cheater’s playbook.

  122. mmburned says

    I am so glad I am FAR AWAY from the CONSTANT DECEIT. That continuous string of half-truths, the stories that just don’t line up, the disappearing acts. There was never a straight answer. Like talking to a preteen who had too much to hide and couldn’t keep the “story” straight…
    When I finally caught my STBX red handed and we talked on the phone (I left my business card on his windshield with a note on it) it was “Stephanie who?” (family friend) “You’re always so jealous and resentful” “what are you talking about” “she’s just a friend” then “it’s all over as of today” then “I always hoped you’d find someone else” (my reply was – I was married). And I – stupidly – went on for months with the PICK ME…. NEVER a straight answer NEVER.
    I am SO GLAD it’s behind me but I just still have that rage in me.

    • Rally Squirrel says

      mmburned, it really is like talking to a preteen. Or a teen. Or possibly a toddler. You have to tease the real story out of them, as if they lack the developed brain, the maturity (at 42, no less), to communicate in a straightforward way with you.

      Set aside for a moment the betrayal, the shocking quality of WHAT you’re talking about with them. On a purely practical level, it’s exhausting to try to communicate with someone this way, where the burden is on YOU to pull some semblance of the truth out of them.

      The day I meet a man who actually behaves like a grown-up, I swear it’s going to feel so wonderfully strange! :)

      • Rally Squirrel says

        By the way, I just realized that the conversation I recounted above is very much like one you’d have with a toddler about a missing cookie.

        “Did you eat that cookie?”

        “No, I din’nt, Mama. Kitty did it.”

        “Are you sure?”


        “Because you have some crumbs on your face.”

        “No, I don’t, Mama.”

        “Let’s go have a look in the mirror.”

        “Oh. Oh. Oh.”

        Like that. Except, you know, about eating pussy. Har!

        Believe me, I do know what you mean about still feeling rage, mmburned. But, wow, there are also some choice moments of ridiculousness that thank g*d I can laugh at now.

      • TKM says

        My dog turd told
        me he wasn’t lying because I never actually caught him at the exact moment he was texting OW or thinking about OW so he was being truthful to me. OMG. Like dealing with a 5 year old.

  123. mmburned says

    All true
    WTF was I thinking? that it would get better? That I could fix it? That the magical light would shine on me again? 23 years and 70 pounds later – I finally got the picture and “Melanie come on down – you’ve just won a brand new life”!!! The 70 pounds were **poof** – but the regaining trust in humans has been a little longer coming.
    AND Thanks Chump Lady for the platform you provide. Invaluable when so many sites reinforce the cake and gaslighting and ENTITLEMENT. Grow up man… be responsible for your choices, and stand up to being a FATHER – one who apologizes to his daughter instead of blaming it on the cat and the weather and whatever else comes to his feeble mind. Quit blaming ME for her lack of interest or desire to see you. It’s your bag bud. Pick it up and take ownership. Mr. HaHa always the drunk life of the party…What a sad sack and sorry excuse for a husband and father.

    You all might love this.
    He just lost his license for the month of May for a June ’12 drunk driving which he blamed on taking Ambien (so how again was your blood alcohol level at .16??)..
    Two days after he got his liocense back he totalled his car by REAR-ENDING A PARKED CAR IN FRONT OF THE POLICE STATION… Guess what – he blamed it on his phone! I didn’t know phones had the opposable thumbs used for guiding a steering wheel but whatever. Karma’s a bitch ain’t it buddy.

    • TKM says

      Shortly after dog turd moved out and in with OW he gets pulled over by for police for speeding 24 mph over speed limit. He also got cited for not having the license plate on the front of the car (not first time that has happened – he claims the plate ruins the lines of his car, oh brother ) and for his insurance card having just expired. He then whines to kid it is all my fault he was speeding and got ticket and had to appear in court because I didn’t give him the new car insurance card. Uh, your the one who cheated and moved out. Not my responsibility to take care of you any more.

  124. Adam says

    Me: Why did you do it?
    Her: I thought you didn’t want me anymore. (I picked up that something was wrong right away and had been waiting on her hand and foot trying to bring her out of what I thought was a funk. It turned out it wasn’t a funk, but the usual detatchment that goes along with cheating.)
    Me: I stood by you through cancer. I was bringing you beer in bed to cheer you up. I took care of the kids so you could go to bed early because you said you weren’t feeling well. At what point did you think I didn’t want you anymore?
    Her: …

    Me: Did you send him any pictures?
    Her: No.
    Me: No pictures at all?
    Her: NO!
    Me: Not one picture?
    Her: No.
    Me: What about this close up of your P?
    Her: Oh. I thought you meant my face?
    Me: Like this one after you got your hair done?
    Her: …

  125. bogie says

    During a discussion the next morning after he revealed to me he wouldn’t be home for a couple of nights to “go up north” – and no, I didn’t want to know why:

    “I know what you are going thru and how you feel”

    Really? You are not the one that after 28 years of marriage was told her husband isn’t happy and hasn’t been for years (I can’t find a single person who had that clue). Then, 2 weeks later is told that you have found someone (and have been unfaithful). You are not the one haveing to find an apartment, buy furniture, get STD tested etc. etc,

    NO, you definitely DON’T know how I feel!

    • bogie says

      Oh, and you know how humiliating it is to have to call the doctor’s office and explain to a complete stranger how your husband has been with another woman so you need to get tested for STD’s as a precaution? REALLY????

    • MissFake says

      Yep. You have to believe everything. If you confront, you’re a psycho. But we all know. If guys are disappearing and not missing us from the road or inviting us along, something rotten in Denmark.

  126. bogie says

    Oh, and you know how humiliating it is to have to call the doctor’s office and explain to a complete stranger how your husband has been with another woman so you need to get tested for STD’s as a precaution? REALLY????

  127. Yoder says

    Bogle, “…after 28 years of marriage was told her husband isn’t happy and hasn’t been for years ” I eventually found an email to a friend of my pet snake. The friend lives in Mexico and in the email, he says, “We have not had a marriage since 2002.” That is over a decade.

    He tells someone in another country something like this, but not me? I was right here, in the same house and he didn’t bother to even mention it to me.

    • bogie says

      Yeah – that is great isn’t it?

      I was told that he wasn’t happy all that time, just couldn’t talk about it. I asked him how I was supposed to know if he said nothing.


      Me: “So was I supposed to ask every 2 weeks if you were happy? Would you have told me the truth if I had asked?”


      And he never had a problem telling me he loved me (several times a day), now it turns out he doesn’t? AARRGGHH!

  128. says

    After reading these comments, I think we were all married to the same person! I used to think I was in this alone. Now I realize I am surrounded by good company! Thanks for making me feel sane again! Love this site…

  129. mmburned says

    Stay sane – you actually have been all along! “The Chumps” are somehow convinced to the contrary because we would otherwise have our whole value systems turned akilter. Yes – they convice us that WE are in the wrong WE are at fault WE are without value. And we take it – because how could we have possibly been so blind? Trust yourself, Mel. You’re all there.

  130. GladIt'sOver says

    The morning after dday, now-ex left the house and sent a mass text message to basically everyone we know, both family and friends, telling them they should pray for us as our marriage was over. Hundreds of people got that text. Very, very few even knew we were having problems (hell, I didn’t even really know we were having such problems). I heard about the text (he didn’t send it to me) when a close friend called me in tears.

    He sent that text just 1.5 hours after walking out of the house. We aren’t junior high kids, this was a man in his 40s announcing the end of a 20 year marriage via text message to his entire contacts list. Just one more stunningly inappropriate, bizarre and humiliating action to add to the many others he committed.

    • Rally Squirrel says

      GladIt’sOver — your line about “one more stunningly inappropriate, bizarre and humiliating action to add to the many others he committed” reminded me of one my then-husband did after had I discovered his 18-month long affair and we had agreed to a six-month trial separation.

      (He ended up buying a condo during this separation. Which was my first clue that maybe his definition of “trial separation” was quite different from mine.)

      Anyway, one day while he was out of town, I got a text from him. I opened it and it was a full-length photo of him standing totally naked, posing suggestively and with an erection.

      I was gobsmacked. Why would he imagine I would be receptive to that under the circumstances, or that it would be remotely appropriate? One of my buddies told me that my dolt of a husband probably sent the same photo to his mistress. Double the thrill. See who responds more hawwtly!!

      I did not respond hawwtly. At all. Mistress won that round, I guess. But I won the game. Cuz he’s with her now. ;)

      • GladIt'sOver says

        OMG, that is EXACTLY the sort of thing my ex did. During bogus reconciliation, he sent me a text pic of himself naked. Except he accidentally ALSO SENT IT TO OUR TEEN SON. Thank God it wasn’t a pic of him with a boner or anything really graphic, but God, how gross for our son. And actually, gross for me too.

        I would bet your ex intended that photo for his mistress and accidentally sent it to you, or you’re right and he sent it to both.

        Back when we were married and still used a film camera, ex would almost always include a close up shot of his erect dick in every roll of film. Remember in those days, you’d send film off to be developed, and the pics were seen by all sorts of people at the lab. I’d pick up the photos and be surprised by some selfie of ex’s boner. LOL, I’d forgotten about that until now!

        • GladIt'sOver says

          Have to add, the film photos of his dick were usually really weird. Like he’d be bending it in some odd position, or posing his dick on an apple, or the shot would be very artistically composed or angled. God, he is a freak.

          • Rally Squirrel says

            Good grief yes on the freak diagnosis, GladIt’sOver. For both our exes. Posing your penis on an apple, or bending it weirdly? You have to wonder what guys like them are looking for. Do they think every woman has a secret desire for boner portraits?

            In my new life, I have no instances of that old feeling I used to have with my then-husband — that something just wasn’t quite right in his behavior. That his reactions were skewed enough from what mine would have been in a similar situation that I wondered which of us was the odd one.

            I used to second-guess myself because he was so sparkly and fun with others that it often felt like it must be me that had the problem. One fantastic result of not having him in my daily life anymore is that I’m listening to and trusting my gut now, in ways I hadn’t done for most of the 20 years I was with him.

            That one simple thing — listening to my wise, alert, fully functioning gut instincts — feels like I have gained this intimate friend who is always looking out for my welfare. The really cool thing is, that friend is me.

  131. Chump Princess says

    Okay, this is my first post, but I love this site. Chump Lady, you are my She-Ro!

    After suffering years (almost 28) of emotional abuse from Mr. “I graduated in the top 1% of my NPD Class,” and had to flee the marital home because he was deliberately texting and calling the OW in front of my face (she participated by deliberately calling him and texting him practically non-stop), I was experiencing PTSD symptoms and was feeling suicidal (he is a serial cheater btw). With the help of my truly wonderful offspring and friends, I got myself into IC. Shortly thereafter, Mr. NPD Top 1% and I were having a conversation and we were discussing how close I came to committing suicide. His response? “Wow! If you had done that, the kids would REALLY never have forgiven ME. I mean, think about it – they would blame ME. That would have been horrible.” For years I would tell him, “You know, we have a really loving relationship – I’m in love with you and you’re in love with you.” What an asshole – and I say that while extending my apologies to innocent, unsuspecting assholes everywhere.

    • EmmaPemma says

      Wow. I have heard some bullshit in my time but that takes the piss!

      Well done you for escaping that vile man, and as for his OW, I wonder how she is valuing her “prize” now he has turned his EA eye onto her. Bet her enabling his abuse of you isnt quite so funny now. You’d kind of feel sorry for her, if she didnt totally f*****g deserve it!

    • Kelly says

      Well Princess, good riddance to bad rubbish (no offense to garbage everywhere)! These guys are monsters. I believe my ex relished the idea of me being “crazy” or even attempting suicide, and he certainly engaged in mind-blowing gaslighting and betrayal, so he sure did his level best to get me there. Right after D-Day, he tried to tell his friends he left me because I have “mental problems.” (He must’ve forgot about the 17 yearsnof cheating and group sex I had finally discovered). That was 1 1/2 years ago. He still sometimes seems stunned that I’m doing so well and moving on without him….guess I upset his little plan and ruined his cover story. Bwahahahaha :)

    • bogie says

      My husband never wanted to text. He had a flip phone and didn’t need any other kind because he didn’t text hardly at all. When I texted him, it was to his work phone (a blackberry), which was the way he wanted it. A couple weeks before DDay, he decided he needed a phone he could text with more easily. He said it was because Jimmy kept texting his personal cell phone.

      Well, now that he has his new phone, he is constantly texting and recieving texts – and I know all of it isn’t to Jimmy. Oh, and I never realized that he put a lock on his new phone until last week. Guess I’m lucky – at least there are no phone conversations while I’m around – yet.

      Jesus, I was so blind!

  132. tamara says

    Welcome Princess!

    I used to call my relationship “two people deeply in love. Both with the same person.”

    Glad you have your kids and friends… priorities, sister.

    • Chump Princess says

      Thank you Tamara. I love that description! So telling and so accurate. Everything in our lives usually revolved around him and his needs. I was so sad when he decided that he REALLY wanted to be with his latest side piece – she has been after him for over 20 years. She just recently divorced her third husband – and she’s a minister. She got a hefty divorce settlement and my STBXH has always felt that he should have been born into or acquire wealth – and now she can afford him so he’s out of the marriage. I have been no contact for a month now and it has actually been heavenly. I no longer have to be mind-fucked by the waterfall of shit and lies that constantly gush forth from his mouth. He told me that I would be better off without him – that I would blossom. I am going to do everything in my power to make that the one thing he has said in all of our time together that might actually be true.

      • Kelly says

        One of my ex’s APs had an affair with him for 17 years, till I providently caught him and threw him out last year. She probably was wondering how stupid I could be–apparently I am a super-chump and thought my husband actually adored me as he always claimed, and that he was faithful. But after the first terrible weeks and months following D-Day passed, I found myself blossoming, and so will you, sister…ummm I mean Princess! While I don’t focus much on the AP’s you do have to wonder what kind of woman would be interested in doing that, what a pitiful existence.

        • TKM says

          My dog turd was also constantly texting in front of
          my daughter and me. She would get really upset with him. He claimed he was playing Words with Friends with a family friend – which was only partly true. All part of the lying by omission. He claimed we never caught j
          at the exact
          moment he was texting so it wasn’t lying. Gotta love
          that logic.

  133. Yoder says

    Welcome abroad Princess Chump. It will be a bumpy ride.

    Your words, “…he was deliberately texting and calling the OW in front of my face (she participated by deliberately calling him and texting him practically non-stop)” Really hit home. I kept telling him I knew what he was doing and it had to stop. He never stopped it and I finally got rid of ow permanently, but he just couldn’t get her out of his mind.

  134. Chump Princess says

    Thanks for the welcome Yoder. This was my second go round with the texting and calling. The first time (but not the first instance of cheating) was a few years back (she also had recently come into money – notice a pattern?) and was pretty intense. She had looked him up, called him and right way, they were madly in love and planning a future – he living the lifestyle of the rich and famous. I found out, we went for marriage counseling with a therapist who basically decided that if I were just more understanding and supportive (really? how much more about him can we make it?) my marriage would be blissful. I implemented her suggestions, the OW was vanquished, and my marriage was “blissful” for about 6 months. He went back to online porn, facebook and having EA’s (PA’s?) with co-workers. Enter childhood friend, woman who had offered herself up to him for an affair over 20 years ago, newly monied, fresh off her third divorce and Boom! he’s never been happy in the marriage and now he can finally be happy. “Do you think I will be happy living around rich people?” he asked me. Once I was able to get a physical distance, get into IC, do some reading and realize how I was living and that he is a serious NPD and covert aggressive, all I could think was Fuck That Guy! I am working on detaching emotionally, which is a longer haul. But I intend to get there – and at his suggestion – blossom. This site is a breath of fresh air for chumps like me. The interaction is empowering. Love you guys.

  135. Yoder says

    I agree, Chump Lady and everyone here has helped save my sanity.

    I remember way back, almost forty years ago, my pet snake and I were having a conversation (before we were married) and were discussing someone we knew who had cheated on their significant other. I clearly remember saying, “It might happen…ONCE.” His reaction was startling. It was obvious he knew cheating on me was a line in the sand he best not ever cross or I would be gone in a nano second.

    All these years later, here I am, trying to figure out how to get away from him. Thankfully, I am finally emotionally detached and live in a world of indifference. It feels wonderful.

    Hang in there, it does get so much better.

  136. DuckLinerUpper says

    Upon telling him I want a divorce, my cheater said he didn’t understand why I wanted to leave him.

    “The affair… that *it*?” (Meaning, is that the only reason?)

    Seriously, he said that. You can’t make this stuff up.

    Entitlement to the very end.

    • Seriously says

      My cheater (7 months “in love” last year, while we were in counselling, plus sex with “a handful” of women over 10 years, but they were “irrelevant”) said the same thing: “I can’t believe you are taking this so seriously; I can’t believe you would leave me for this!” Cue tears, mournful expressions, and help in the kitchen.

      Oh, and did you get this one? “I thought you were more open minded than that.”

      Bless this blog for reminding me how messed up this is. It’s been so easy to forget when he is finally acting like a participant in the household.

  137. Yoder says

    Duck, it is so hard to grasp the stupidity and naiveté of these cheaters. When they are in this frame of mind you cannot reason with them, you can’t believe them and you can hardly keep from hanging them up by their thumbs. About as far from reality as you can get without requiring men in white coats with butterfly nets. I have always wondered how they would feel if the shoe was on the other foot/ Not enough to cheat on him, but I have wondered if they would be hurt or just look at it as permission to continue their bad behavior.

    • Angie says

      I actually asked my ex (husband at the time) if he would be ok with me doing what he had done with a “friend” from work.

      Loonnnnggg pause, and then probably the only time he was honest with me, he said

      “No, no I wouldn’t have been ok with it”.

      By the way, he didn’t consider it cheating because he says that he didn’t have all out sex with her. Apparently kissing, petting, makeout sessions in his car on a gravel road after work, long and detailed convos online on everything from how bad a wife I was, to how much they loved each other and all the sexual things they’d like to do to each other. He bought her small gifts, took her to lunch, wrote her love letters and would tell her how when he was with me he was thinking of her.


      Interesting part is now that he’s free, she’s not interested.

  138. Datdamwuf says

    We attended an IMAGO marriage workshop, he said he couldn’t deal with the second day of the two day workshop. He got drunk and passed out. I read his workbook, in the section where we were to write down what upset us the most about our spouse he wrote:

    “When she calls Sue a whore” (name of the AP). I woke his ass up and told him we were done, his response? “That was supposed to be private, you invaded my privacy again” and when I said I didn’t give a shit, he said: “you are 50% responsible for this affair”. When I told him he was 100% responsible for cheating he went into a rage and I left fast.

    You can’t make this shit up, you really can’t.

    • bogieb says

      Yeah, you made him put his d**k in someone else.

      I keep reading other sites about phases you go thru when you a find out about affairs / get divorced. One of the steps is “accepting your responsibility in this happening”. Yeah, I was 100% not aware that he was unhappy for years. None of friends and family knew it – and thought we were the perfect couple. I was supposed to read his mind. Oh, and he couldn’t have told me before he went and started the affair in May – instead waited until July 1 to mention his unhappiness, then a couple more weeks to mention his affair.

      I refuse to take responsibility for anything more than trusting my partner of 28 years.

  139. GladIt'sOver says

    This wasn’t said to me, but tweeted by the ex. I don’t follow him on Twitter or anywhere else, but a friend occasionally looks at his insanity. A few months ago, he tweeted:

    “It’s so hard when you are in love with another man’s wife.”

    Who the fuck would tweet something like that? My friend said no one replied, maybe they were all stunned, too.

  140. Good Riddance says

    “She reminds me of you!”

    “I just get bored with you sometimes.”

    “Do you not trust me?”

    “Why should everyone know we’re in a relationship? We both know we are and that’s all that matters.”

    “I see her every day so I have to talk to her.”

    Yeah, fuck you. Asshole.

  141. EmmaPemma says

    I have noticed that there are others that got the “you’d like her!” or “She reminds me of you” crap.

    I am amazed at the self delusion that leads to a man convincing himself that his wife would really like the woman who helped rip her family apart if only “you got to know her”.

    And dont get me started on “I didnt mean it to happen” Riiiiight. So you tripped and your dick just fell into her vagina!

  142. Jada says

    “I don’t get this at home” when caught reading a nasty email from his skank where she described in detail their last encounter. We were in reconciliation (or so I thought) and I walked up behind him as he was reading it. Just as he was about to reply I shouted REALLY? SO THIS IS HOW YOU WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE?

    Of course then he starts blaming me for everything, trying to say this was the only email which I knew it was not because I have that password. In addition to the email, she sends 3 videos, up close videos of her going at it by herself then sent 3 pics of her ugly nastiness. WTH are people thinking to send that stuff over email? Do they not know it is not secure? OMG and the lady is near 60 years old. Not that anything is wrong with being 60, but dang why would she do this?

    The “I don’t get this at home” really ticked me off. Never was told he wanted that at home *barf*

  143. Scaredmummy says

    On the day I gave birth to his child, “we had a connection – she is mortified by how this turned out.” Seriously – and how did your married skank, mother of two, think it would turn out when you guys started screwing when I was 4 months pregnant.

    “I will always live you as the mother of my children” – please don’t you patronising arsehole.

    • TKM says

      OMG – I got the same line – I will always love you as the mother of our child”. Unfortunately for snake in the grass neither child nor I will love him as former father and husband. We will
      only remember him as cheater, lier and looser.

  144. bogie says

    Hubby said he was going to tell me what “happened with him”. but, decided that the time wasn’t right. we finally found him an apartment to move to next weekend and in the process he said he wasn’t going to be home this weekend (2 guesses where he will be.) I asked when we were going to have the talk he promised.

    Him: Oh, I’ve been too busy to get my thoughts in order. I need to get them written down so I make sure I hit all the stuff.

    Me: But you’ve had time to spend with her (he went on a weekend retreat with her a couple of weeks ago), and extra time to spend on work stuff – but no time to talk to me as you promised. I see, as usual I come in dead last on your priorities.

    Him: I’m under a lot of stress.

    Yeah, and I’m not. In 5 weeks I had a family member die, my 16 year old cat die, hubby of 28 years tell me he wasn’t happy and needed time alone, had to put my 13 year old dog to sleep, had hubby tell me he is having an affair with someone I know, have dealt with him being gone with her, searched for an apartment and furniture, and spend 12 hours a day between commute/work.

    No, no stress here – you are the only one under stress. I didn’t ask for the explanation, you brought up the talk all by your lonesome A-hole.

    He did finally say we would talk this Friday – I’m not holding my breath that he will even be home that night.

    • tamara says

      Oh Bogie~

      Im so sorry you have to go through this and you are where you are. It truly sucks. I remember the incredulousness, the abject pain. On lucky days you are just numb. My true DDay was three and a half years ago, and I have been gone for about a year and a half. When I was finally alone, I became obsessed with the “why”s and “when”s. I still think about times when things didn’t seem right between us and wonder if he was banging another whore (his particular preference). Now, though, it is just idle curiosity, and I always assume he was. It just hurts a lot less now. Like… not at all.

      Where you are blows… it really does. It will get better. Read and re read Tracy’s posts. Of particular help to me was “trust that they suck” and “Untangling the skein of fuckedupedness.” I’m sure you will find your personal favorites. And keep moving forward. There’s a bunch of chumps here that have been where you are. We KNOW how you feel. We all hate that cheaters assume they’re above any repercussions for (temporarily) destroying someone. They’re not. They’re not special… they just suck. They always will…. and they always have.

      • bogie says

        Thanks for the support Tamara! Trust me, reading stuff here has been a whole lot more helpful that anything else I’ve read (especially that crap about how I should accept my part in making this happen). I have ok days and bad days, but this week has been more ok than bad.

        • Kara says

          CL is great, isn’t she? You won’t find any of that bs telling you to take responsibility for your cheater’s shitty choices.

  145. Janet says

    Bogie: so sorry to hear what an awful time you have had lately and STILL you had the time to find HIM an apartment. Get the OW to help him. Who cares what he has to say. Trust me 1/2 of what he will tell you will be self serving b sh-t.

    • Kara says

      Janet is absolutely right. Don’t waste your time, don’t hold your breath, don’t even bother. Even if he does decide he suddenly has time. I promise you, “what’s up with him” is just going to be a load of self-righteous bullshit about how you weren’t good enough.

      There is NOTHING he will say that won’t be self-serving and contrived. All he will do is blameshift, gaslight, and basically tell you that you drove him to the arms of someone else because you didn’t do XYZ right and he had no choice. It’s all complete CRAP.

      Don’t give him the opportunity to dump on you, because he will. If he needs to find an apartment, let the OW do it. Have HER cater to his ass. You’ll see how fast the fantasy wears off when suddenly there’s the responsibilities of a real relationship attached to it.

      Don’t let that be your problem. Let it be theirs. Get your ducks in a row and don’t look back.

      • bogie says

        The apartment thing is something we will share (not at the same time). He will have it until January or so, then I will have it. I know this sounds f’ed up, but when the snow flies there is no way I will be able to take care of getting the driveway cleared of snow myself. Hubby has all the equipment to do so, so I’m making him take over the hard work and I will be in the apartment where all I have to do is move my car.

        Just weird circumstances until we can get the house in shape for selling – which should be next spring.

  146. Victoria says

    My ex wife and I are just friends. We moved in together as flatmates so she could be closer to her mum who lives near by. We sleep in separate rooms.
    Sorry you can’t come over to my house because I don’t want to rub my relationship in her face

    This is after 2.5 years together and him constantly delaying moving in with me

    • Victoria says

      Janet, he is a cake eater. He was separated and living apart from his wife 6 months before we even got together. In the 2.5 years we have been together he hasn’t lived with her to my knowledge as I have been to his flats, etc. I feel like the other woman even though I’m innocent. His moving in with her has come completely out of the blue and left me devastated. I don’t even know how this came about. As recently as 2 days ago he was telling me how much he loved me

      • GreenGirl says

        You are the OW. You claim you’ve been to his flats – could be his and maintained without the knowledge of his wife, could belong to some friends of his – but you thought he was divorced. As to how this came about, he’s used to you so now you’re boring. Between the choice of which boring person to dump he chose the one he didn’t have to pay alimony to. Now he can either get the drama of you both chasing him, or move on to another girl who will listen to his sob story and spread her legs while still keeping his wife.

        You sound like the first type of affair partner, less to blame than someone who knew he was happily married. Now you have a choice to either walk away and get a real life with a real man, or throw yourself fully into the role of the affair partner. If you take the later option then know he’ll be telling his wife, “see! She just threw herself at me. I love you, she just wont leave me alone,” while seeing how far you’ll go to get him back. If you go with the former, expect him to either forget you completely, or love-bomb you until you supply kibbles again.

        • Victoria says

          But he told me she knew about me, that he told her he was seeing someone. It makes me feel sick at the thought of being the other woman. I never would have entered the relationship in the first place if I had known. How could I have known? Now not only do I feel betrayed, I feel disgusted in myself. I want to walk away and find a real man.

          • bogieb says

            Yeah – well my hubby told me about the other woman in his life too. He was still married to me, living with me, and had been sleeping with me up until that point. Then he was spending weekends with her (rubbing my face in the fact he had another woman) until the day he finally got his own apartment and moved out. Just because I knew about her, did not make it right, nor mean that I didn’t care, nor di it mean I gave him my blessing to be with her!

            Sorry if you thought differently.

            • EmmaPemma says

              Give her a break, she isnt the first person to be taken in by a liar, after all you were and so was I!

              He said he was seperated and she had no reason to not believe him, I dont think that hauling her over the coals will help her self esteem will it?

              • Victoria says

                Thanks EmmaPemma as this is exactly the truth. I had no reason to believe he was with her. Especially as I knew 100% for certain he was not living with her. His roommate was a friend of mine and I know he slept there every night of the week. To find out I am the OW is equally as devastating for me as it would be for her if she found out. I immediately walked away from the relationship. That pig doesn’t deserve me or any happiness. it disgusts me and I wish I had not wasted years of my life on him

          • GreenGirl says

            “But he told me she knew about me.” People lie. If you’re on this website for ten minutes you’ll figure that out. Have to work late – We’re just friends – I never said that – It’s a trip with my friends – I love you.

            Question: How can you tell a cheater is lying?
            Answer: They open their mouth.

            There’s an article in the archives about a woman who realized too late that her boyfriend was married and hiding it from her. You might want to go back and find that.

            “I want to walk away and find a real man.” Then do it. Mail him his stuff. Then block his number, don’t answer his emails, change the locks if he has a key, if he meets you on the tube or is waiting outside your place put in headphones and don’t reply, ignore all smoke signals and carrier pigeons. Do not try to wean yourself off. Do not try to figure out why or justify taking him back. Check out “Pick-Me Dance” and “Untangling the Skein”. You don’t have kids with him, you don’t have to work out alimony or visitation rights. If you have a place together or share bank accounts finish that up fast (if he doesn’t have another girl he’ll try to drag this out for kibbles).

            If your place is on fire, you grab the stuff you can carry that’s most important to you and you get out of there. You don’t go back into a burning building because the wallpaper was so nice and maybe if you stand inside with teaspoons of water something can be saved. You get out. It sucks that your home is burning down. It sucks that all the stuff you couldn’t grab will be destroyed or badly damaged. It sucks that you now have to find a new place to live. You didn’t hear the smoke alarms girl and now there’s flames. It sucks. I’m sorry.

            But grab what you can and get out of the building before you get burned deep enough to leave scars.

            • lulu says

              Wow, what you wrote here is so true…thank you for posting this (just about one year ago I see you posted it — and it is still true one year later):

              “If your place is on fire, you grab the stuff you can carry that’s most important to you and you get out of there. You don’t go back into a burning building because the wallpaper was so nice and maybe if you stand inside with teaspoons of water something can be saved. You get out. It sucks that your home is burning down. It sucks that all the stuff you couldn’t grab will be destroyed or badly damaged. It sucks that you now have to find a new place to live. You didn’t hear the smoke alarms girl and now there’s flames. It sucks. I’m sorry.

              But grab what you can and get out of the building before you get burned deep enough to leave scars.”

  147. Yoder says

    EmmaPemma, I thought the same thing when I read that. We are here to support each other. We all have struggled with the guilt, the pain, and the anger. And the points in time when we felt we could not figure out the financial crisis. All cheaters are liars and they continue to lie. They are not to be trusted. We have all learned our lessons the hard way. Thank goodness for Chump Lady’s insight.

  148. Lisa says

    Sometimes cheaters lie … correction, most of the time cheaters lie. I don’t think anyone will hold it against you if you truly didn’t know he was married … but the test of character is what you do now that you DO know.

  149. Yoder says

    Best analogy I have ever seen. When I was a little girl our house burned down and all I had was the pajamas I was wearing. You are absolutely correct. Sometimes, just getting out with your life is more than enough to run like a stuck pig. Thanks for articulating this so well.

  150. Victoria says

    Thanks all, I’ve walked away. I did immediately. I would never knowingly be the OW. However walking away doesn’t make it hurt any less. He used me and lied to me. I don’t understand how anyone could do that to another human being.

  151. Janet says

    True story afriend of mine met a man on a dating web site. They met casually for a few dates: his story he lived about 100 miles away very involved with his business. Divorced. This casual dating went on for awhile and then got more involved. When she asked about his living arrangements he stated small batchelor studio slept most nights in his office. After about 3 yrs he gave her an engagement ring but wanted to take it slow. Wanted to buy a house together go look at some. Then he started backtracking and she was getting suspicious. Her son and exH were already suspicious. Long story short He was married. The ring was zirconium. She was baffled and hurt. Completely unaware of this. Was ashamed because she was the OW. So people can get taken in.

  152. Victoria says

    I just read Linda’s post from the archives (thanks Greengirl) wow did that ring true for me. Except for the part when she continued on with him when she found out. I haven’t and will not do that. Chump Lady, do I tell his wife?. Thinking about this over the last few days, I bet he told her exactly the same things he said to me “I’m not ready to move back in with you until I have a permanent job” “I want to pay off all my debt before I move back in” I know he wasn’t living with her, so surely he strung her along just like it turns out he did to me. The difference it when it came to choosing time, it was her (don’t be thinking I am going to play the pick me game here, I am better than that as I do not want to be with the egomaniac prick for another second) but it does hurt when someone tells you they love you more than they ever did their ex wife and wants to be with you forever.
    So if I tell her, surely he will just talk her out of believing it and get aggressive at me and I’m not ready for that. He is a VERY convincing liar. How do I know?, because I am a smart, successful woman and he kept me believing they were separated for for 2.5 years. He never once gave me a reason to think otherwise.
    Its only been 3 days since I found out I was the OW, everything is still very raw.
    I have a lot of emails, texts, photos etc to back up anything I would say to her but it seems pointless as I am putting myself in a position to receive backlash from her as I have 100% confidence the conniving pig will talk her around.

    • Janet says

      You should tell her; maybe she already knows, maybe she doesn’t care maybe she will try and kill the messenger bu in her place wouldn’t you want to be told.

  153. Janet says

    Victoria; cheaters are liars, I think once they start leading a duplictous life it just starts getting easier for them. I know it did for my H. We are still together but I don’t think for much longer. He tells me that he and OW are not in contact. I know they are because I know where he hides his “secret” cell phone and I read the text messages. And I know she thinks I don’t know about her ( she is a dumb bitch) and that he won’t leave me because he doesn’t want to hurt me. I’m sure he has told her this. Liar Liar Pants on Fire

  154. Alpha says

    Hows this….

    “I never thought you trusted me, so I had an affair to prove you never trusted me. See! I was right!”

    This is the explanation I got.

    • Karen says

      Yup, there’s something about cheating that seems to bring on sudden mental retardation. How can someone even SAY that with a straight face?

  155. Yoder says

    Greengirl, atta girl! Tell it like it is. There is no way to win with a cheater. Drop them like a dirty diaper and run.

  156. LetGo! says

    After more than 2 years of serious relationship I found out he had an (supposedly non consumed) emotional affair with one of our common friend, for the past… more than 2 years! Here’s his best of over the 3 phone conversations that followed in the 3 weeks it took me to tell him to back off: ( not in chronological order)
    ” My feelings were honest even if my actions weren’t” ( WTF??)
    ” I would only see her when I had doubts about us” ( Oh thank you, so considerate of you)
    ” It’s only because i had doubts about us the whole time that I kept pursuing her, it’s not because I felt attracted to her the whole time that i had doubts about us. ” ( Why the heck was he ever with me on the first place?!)
    ” Sometimes I wouldn’t contact her cos it was inappropriate and i guess i wanted to focus on my relationship with you”
    ” I would have left you if it had reached the point where i definitely knew it’s her I wanted to be with” ( I should be grateful I guess?)
    ” Sometimes i wondered if maybe it’s her I should be with rather than you, but I was feeling so confused I thought i just see where it goes” ( for over 2 years!)
    ” I’m sorry you’re hurting but i’m not sorry about what I’ve done”
    “Honestly, I don’t feel one bit of guilt at all. ”
    “You need to take responsibility for yourself! I don’t wanna have to talk about it again”
    “Believe it or not we always bear in mind that we had to respect you. I even pushed her away at times”
    ” We never had sex cos she never put it across to me hard enough” ( ????!!! I don’t get it)
    ” We didn’t have sex cos i had this image of your face being so hurt if i had to tell you about it one day.”
    ” I didn’t tell you I was seeing her cos you would have been suspicious of her and I”
    ” I didn’t tell you I was seeing her cos I wanted to be alone with her”
    ” You never had all of my heart”
    ” I have been dishonest but I never lied!”
    “I love you.”
    “I deleted all our chats and texts history cos I knew you’d be upset if you read it”
    ” I thought what I had with her was ok as long as you didn’t know about it.”
    ” What have i done?? I haven’t slept with her did i? So stop making a big deal out of nothing! ” ( yelling on the phone)
    “We don’t speak anymore because I told her I wanted to be with you and sort things out. She got hurt and upset. She said she doesn’t wanna speak to me anymore. See I chosen you over you then. Hope you’re happy now! Otherwise what to do.”
    ” She was so upset I had to tell her my feelings for her and what we had was real”
    “I never said that! I’m not entering in your negative fantasy world” (a week later)
    “I haven’t cheated on you! I only had feelings for her! I was only attracted to her, emotionally and physically”
    “I wanted to spend the weekend with you but now that you brought that sh*t again being still upset about it, you made me change my mind me and i rather go surfing and see my mates and forget about anything that troubles my mind. Why would I wanna see you when you upset with me? Don’t call or text me.”
    ” You bring the worst out in me and I want to go forward”
    “I’m sure we both will find much happier endings than this one we’re experiencing now”
    ” Believe it or not: I love you. I care for you so much”
    ” I can’t be part of us anymore. Accept this and let go. X. Good Bye” (by text message)

    Seriously, does anyone get it? I have been feeling like i’m going crazy, and so confused in trying to patchwork his words and understand what actually happened between those 2.
    Then I felt guilty, ashamed, lost, confused, humiliated with a good icing of deep sadness over it all and a solid crust of pain. Having fun fun fun being dumped by that (42 yo!) guy after almost a month trying to forgive him and move on from that story so I wouldn’t bring it up anymore (which would make him deeply annoyed at best, FURIOUS at worst, at me, each time) so we could start things over again. And i keep thinking…what if really what they had was not much at all and i just wrecked our chances of making it back together by being so sensitive and hurt over it?? Maybe he’s right, maybe I’m gone crazy, maybe if they didn’t have sex I shouldn’t call it cheating and feel cheated on? Maybe it is my own insecurities and past experiences of being (physically) cheated on that makes it look so bad. Then I have to remember his violent outbursts of rage to remind myself I’m better off without him any way. Thanks god your blog exists!!! It gave me the strength to tell him to back off last week and it worked, he stopped contacting me and giving me his “go away/come back here” rides for me to jump on:( Oh shame.

    • GladIt'sOver says

      The whole time I was reading that astounding bowl of word salad your ex served up, I was picturing him as being maybe in his early to mid 20s. Then I got to where you wrote he is 42! You are so much BETTER OFF without that immature, pathetic douchebag. Good Lord, what a loser. You need him 100% out of your life, and within a short time the fog will clear. You’ll look back on that insanity and wonder how you could have stayed as long as you did.

      • LetGo! says

        Thank you so much Gladit’sOver! I felt quite pathetic myself for regurgitating on a blog some of my story, but since a week that i finally had the guts to block him off my life, I still have some hours where i really struggle and start doubting of my appreciation of the situation and choice again! The shame of being so addicted to him combined with the pain of being betrayed and abandoned is just full on to me! Then i read some of the stories here, people who have to deal with betrayal and heavy cheating after 20 or 30 years of marriage! Ouch! I really feel for all of you who invested so much of their precious life in some of those heartless cheaters, narcissistics and other borderlines. I can’t fathom your pain when i hurt so much and fear for my sanity after only 2 years of it! The big downer in my case is that we share the exact same circles of friends in a low populated area and it’s gonna be tough work avoiding him, and resisting the temptation of exposing who he really is to all of his (mostly females indeed) “fans”. I also find it hard not getting down on my self for ending up in another toxic relationship, again!!, i’m getting less worse overtime at choosing them though, my first partners would hit me on top of it and one even tried to kill me by strangulation when i confronted him with the evidence of his “serial cheating”. At least this one “only” threatened to bash me and only once. I obviously have a lot more inner work to do on my core issues and childhood traumas before daring trusting my choice again in who i’m becoming in love with and risking being attracted to another deranged cheater!

  157. Janet says

    Letgo: I get it. about a year ago I discovered my huband of 23 yrs was texting an old girlfriend he reconnected with on facebook. Long story short: They talk and text almost every day on the “secret” cell phone I found and monitor regularly. He has told me he wants a divorce so he can amrry her. He has told her he doesn’t want to hurt me WTF. He is a cake eating SOB He may have had sex with her once or twice about 8 ms ago but hasn’t seen her since even though she only lives about 100 miles from here. Emoitional cheating is Cheating. I am making plans to move out soon.

  158. Victoria says

    Janet, it sounds like you have been through such a hard time. It’s so hard to walk away, what chump lady said about relationships being an investment and the more you invest the harder it is to walk away, that is how I felt about my relationship until recent events.
    It’s been 1 week now since I found out I was the OW. in that time I have had good days (feeling positive and that life will go on) Angry days just hating him and incredibly sad days. Today is a sad day. Tomorrow I am heading overseas to a friends wedding that was to be a holiday we were having together, After months of excuses why we couldn’t book plane tickets (I have a savings plan, I just don’t have enough money yet, or I just need to pay off my car first) I got sick of waiting and booked my tickets. I realize now he probably never intended to come in the first place, How would he have explained that to his wife! This should be a happy trip for me but I feel incredibly sad about it. And I feel lonely, It was so hard not to contact him this weekend, but I did it.
    I keep going over and over in my head texts I have read and trying to figure out the ones that don’t make sense and what they mean. I’m trying to keep busy but I wish I could get him out of my mind. This is shit

    • LetGo! says

      Yep. I guess at some point all of us really need to stop loving them more than we love ourselves!! Stopping trying to make sense out of their non-senses is a really tough one, but as i observe myself doing it, i really think we MUST let go of trying to “control” that reality of “what happened”, it just did, they suck, it sucks, now let’s at least not go mental over it on top of feeling miserable and hurt. And perhaps it’s a good sign that we can’t get it nor get them, no matter how refine, brilliant and empathetic our analysis and reasoning, it means we’re not twisted and self-obsessed like them!

  159. LetGo! says

    Ouch! Feeling you Janet! And thanks heaps for the reminder that emotional cheating is Cheating! My ex done a good job at convincing me it’s not a big deal, when my feelings are actually saying that it hurts just as much, or even more, than years ago when I “used to” get cheated on with one night stands randoms. That a man shares his penis and orgasms with another woman is sickening, but i’m with you, when they also share their hearts, affection and intimacy with them is heart-disintegrating. May your plans of moving out become reality sooner rather than later. Your husband doesn’t deserve one more second of your life and energy from what i’m getting. Leave him to her, he’s a poisoned gift. Look forward, life is making room around you so you can receive much better!!:)

  160. chumpattny says

    “When I was in high school I used to be able to have multiple boyfriends, and have sex with them, sometimes several in a day, without any of them ever knowing. ”
    Said to me about a decade into our marriage, and after she had racked up some (at that point) 13+ affairs that I only discovered after she left me (she was kind enough to leave a list behind).

        • chumpattny says

          But since she could never tell me why she tried suicide twice in our marriage, I don’t expect she’d have an answer to this question either.

          • Kara says

            You’d think someone who is not only into having as many partners as possible but BRAGS about it would not be the marrying type. But then again someone who is proud of how many guys she can juggle probably doesn’t really think logically either.

  161. Yoder says

    Seriously, I am trying to get my shit together and yes, I need to remind me why I want out. He just doesn’t get the fact that he did not step over a line drawn in the sand, it was the Grand Canyon and he fell head over heels into it. We fell in love to begin with, because we had the same values. His just didn’t stay with him until death do us part. I have found that once I got past the pain and onto finding me again, it was not until then, that unraveling the skein was possible, because I was finally, objective. It beaame interesting and I was so glad I have taken the time to pigeon hole everything in tidy little boxes. Makes thinking a whole lot clearer…no emotional connections.

  162. bogieb says

    Hubby told me he was “unhappy” and needed some time to figure out what he wanted on June 30. Two weeks later he said he was “seeing someone”. Once I got past that shock, I asked him if I needed to get tested for STD’s (meaning, did he know her carnally before the last time we had sex – June 29). Upon hearing he thought she was ok, I asked explicitly, and got the answer that yes he had slept with her while sleeping with me. At that point I decided I had to get tested to protect both my health and my peace of mind.

    A couple days later he came home all happy with himself – saying he had asked her and “she said she gets tested yearly because she doesn’t trust her [live in] boyfriend, so she is clean”.

    There was not a hint that he got what all kinds of irony was in that statement. He truly thought that would make me relieved. He is really that clueless! Plus, he was so happy that he could demonstrate that he had the balls to ask her.

    To me, that means I have no idea how many people I was exposed to (and does she really get tested because of her BF – or because she sleeps around – or both?).

    Had the blood drawn a couple of weeks ago and got my test results today at my yearly physical and so far I am in the clear. However, doc says that the Heps and HIV can take 6-8 months to come up positive, so I still have to go for more testing in February. Also, she suggested I go ahead and get the Hep B prevention series anyway – so I have started that.

    I so want him to know how much of a bother all this is mentally, emotionally, time-wise, and how many nurses and doctors I had to tell my husband had been with another woman when they asked why the tests were needed – what a blow to the ego! I so want to text him the good news of negative results, but the bad news of more testing down the line. But I also understand that if he was so clueless about the irony of the situation, he wouldn’t get anything out of it if I did try to tell him about all this – so I will stay silent.

  163. BubblestheJellyfish says

    This one still blows my mind years later….

    Sitting in MC with X and myself.
    Counselor says: In order to work on your marriage you are going to need to get rid of your new friends and focus on your marriage and family.

    X- says (and i quote): “i can’t get rid of them they are my security blanket”

    Counselor: WEll then I guess you want a divorce then, if you cant give them up?

    X-: Yes i guess I want a divorce.

    WHO IS HE LINUS FROM THE PEANUTS…..A SECURITY BLANKET???????? Hello you are a 40-some-odd year old MAN……

    2 years later and ANYTIME I tell ANYONE That story they cock their head to the side like a dog and look bewildered and ask me “What does that mean?”

    Counselor and I still laugh about THAT statement.

    No clue……..

  164. Kirstie says

    After my XH left to live with his “friend” in the “spare room” at her one bedroom apartment I told him he had to come and get his stuff as we were selling the house and it had to be gone. He turned up to go through his stuff and when I asked whether he wanted me to fill out the divorce application, or whether he would file he laid this little gem on me:

    “There is no need to rush, I thought I could just come home when I was done”,

    done what? Sleeping with your GF? I had been a grade A chump for so long he genuinely thought when he tired of this AP he could just come on home to me. Jackass.

    • says

      Kirstie, my ex apparently thought this too! I declared the relationship over, he was supposed to move out (his suggestion), was dragging his feet (still eating cake, keeping his family life while shagging the OW) so I found him an apartment and took him over there to sign the lease. On the way home he says
      ‘This is just temporary, right?’

      Silly me, I thought he meant that living in a rented 1 bedroom apartment was temporary, so I said ‘sure’. Months later it turns out he thought he was going to come home when he’d had enough of the OW. SNORT!

      So, after 1st affair, 7 years previously, when I dragged him to couple counselling, when he swore he’d never do anything like this again and I took him back, forgave, re-invested in making the relationship happier and tried again to make him happier (impossible task, btw), that apparently taught him that I would do that again, this would be my standard response to an affair! And here I, fool that I was, was thinking he would appreciate how close to that cliff edge he had come, would appreciate that I pulled him back and let him stay w/his family, and would understand, when I made him swear it’d never happen again, it was because if he did, that was IT, end of story. But no ……..

      You can’t make up that kind of stupid.

  165. Newly enlightened says

    After 4 years of being with me, while our families were figuring out the details of how our wedding is going to take place, the toad disguised as a prince chose to have something on the side with my flatmate/ friend (hah). I found out right before the wedding and called it off……. He came up with the choicest of statements.

    ‘You are the love of my life, she was just a punching bag I used when we fought !’

    ‘That was just physical and we were friends, and I felt bad for using her so I used to meet her take her out for dinner etc and talk to her 7 times a day, to be a friend to her. Even you wouldn’t want me to be a bastard who just throws away a girl after using her, would you ?’

    What a gentleman.

    After I found out and called off the wedding, he tried to also convince me to run away with him and get married in a week after which he will make me forget how he had lied to me, deceived me for over a year !

    Am NC and how !

    • says

      Wow, he REALLY showed you who he is! Congratulations on the ‘great escape’. I can’t imagine how painful this must be for you; betrayed by both your almost-husband, and you friend!

  166. Mug says

    Ive had some good ones.

    1) I liked him and we had a connection

    2) I cant remember his name (LOL)

    3) It was only going on for a couple of weeks (18 months)

    4) we really clicked and got on so well

    5) My mind triesdto make me think I fancied him !!!!!!!!!!!!

    6) I thought I fancied him and that thought was hard to discard.

    and so on and on and on and on of complete and utter bull

    • Mug says

      Hi MM – Fancied being a common/slang u.k word for “attracted” or “liking in physical way” really just a load of crap tho. Cos I think she was kind of trying to state that she fell for him but none of it was any of her fault…

      I also had “the feelings were so strong I had to tell him” and that was about another /different bloke. “I relished the attention” and “it was nice to be liked by someone like that”

      All in the end completely buggering my self esteem and personal worth : (

      But im on the mend after a fair few years in the doldrums Yay : )

  167. Einstien says

    I walked in on him and his little Skankalina one morning. He didn’t have much to say to me, but made it a point to tell all his friends that I “merely caught them in the bed naked”. Like….that in itself wasn’t evidence of anything! Bonifide idiot.

    • GullibleMe says

      I walked in, like a dream, into a pub near our house when I had noticed her car in its carpark. I walked into the poker machine room. In it there is a separate smokers room. I opened the door. There they were in each other’s arms, spending his entire paypacket on the poker machines, drinking, smoking and “just talking shit” (as opposed to say talking about who is fetching child from cricket/what’s for dinner/what are we getting your mother for birthday/have you paid the loan). I stood there looking at them, half a foot away from their faces/bodies, and they nearly jumped out of their skin when they noticed me!

  168. says

    Just have to add this one, said to me not by my cheating narc ex, but by a married guy who was hitting on me when I was younger and single. I mentioned that one of the reasons it wasn’t worth getting involved w/a married guy was bc I really wanted to have kids at some point, and if I accidentally did get pregnant, would definitely keep the child, and wouldn’t it be difficult that I’d be a single mom in that case. He says

    ‘I would never abandon you if you were pregnant! We would be together to raise our love child!’

    SOOOOOO, you’re such a good guy, you’d never abandon me pregnant! Instead, you’d abandon the three kids you already have w/the woman you promised to honour etc, in order to be w/your pregnant AP! That’s SO reassuring!

  169. SmartSweetie says

    ME: Why is there a condom missing from the pack I bought?
    HIM: There is? I don’t know. I didn’t sleep with anyone if that’s what you’re thinking.
    ME: Well the condom didn’t just vanish.
    HIM: Ok, I used it when I was masterbating cause I put my finger in my ass.

  170. ToniLeigh says

    I’m new to the CL site and I wish I had found this a couple of years ago.

    Stupid Shit my STBX has said after I confronted him about his year long affair with a then 24 year old woman and at the time my husband was 59.

    “I always looked forward to coming home to you” ( well thanks honey, that makes me feel better, but you kept looking forward to going back to her and did on many occassions you A-HOLE)

    When I asked if he used protection he had this blank look on his face so I had to ask again and he said “I didn’t have to, she’s on the pill” (they did not use condom’s – idiot’s)

    “She is much more mature than her age” (she has daddy issue’s)

    “It’s not all about the sex, I have deep feelings for her” (you “suck”)

    A neighbor contacted me after I returned from out of state (I was helping to care for my elderly father) and said they saw my H at a restaurant just down the street and at first they thought he was with his daughter but soon realized that was not the case and thought I should know. He allowed his little tramp (who live’s out of state) into our home during New Year’s (2013) for 3 days/nights. When I told him it’s bad enough that you let her into our life’s and that you can’t let her go but now you allowed her into my HOME! I was livid!!!!! My H said “I didn’t mean any disrespect” (what a stinking BAG OF SHIT)

    As noted in other post, you can’t make this shit up.

    As I said, I am new here but I love the direct, no pussyfooting around approach that this site gives. I have gained a new insight into my selfish/idiot STBX.

    I have also had several good laughs from this site which by itself has turned what could have been a shitty day into a good one, thanks to you all for sharing.

    “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” – hopefully soon, thanks again and hope everyone has a great weekend.

    • Kelly says

      Hang in there Toni Leigh, these guys suck. Dump his sorry insane ass. Life is sooooooo much better without them. (((Hugs)))

      • ToniLeigh says


        Thanks – I’m hanging but it’s just a matter of time before I’m rid of this no good “insane ass”, and yes he sucks!!!!! I know I will be better off in so many ways without him and I’m looking forward to it. Hugs to you also, take care.

        • TheMuse says

          My X brought his OW into our home too. He volunteered that factoid on D-Day, saying simply, “I brought her here.” I went WHAT? and he said he wanted to show her HIS house (he’s a contractor and did the renovation work that I pd for the materials.).

          I asked ‘you gave her a tour? even of our BEDROOM?” Yes, he said. fDid you fuck here? No, he said. I said was I mentioned, he said, “yes, she commented as she stepped into the bedroom, ‘where are all the girlie things?’ I said did she think she was going to move here and he said, ‘yes that was discussed.” Then he burst into tears and said “Oh my god! that was a major invasion of your privacy to bring her here!” No shit Sherlock.

          I still am in shock 5 mos later, after we bought this house together 12 years ago and redesigned it together. Now he lives in OW’s house in another city. He sucks, they suck, it all sucks.

  171. GullibleMe says

    “I can’t even have ONE FRIEND?”

    “She’s [insert his favourite sister’s name, the one who is fun]”

    • TheMuse says

      My X told me, “she’s really your best friend, you know.”
      I said WHAT?
      Him: She wanted me to tell you about us. (“Us” meaning him and her, after him and me living together 16 years and he supposedly only knew her for two weeks… probably a lie).
      I’m not sure how that makes her my FRIEND.
      In another conversation he said,
      “It’s NOT about sex.” I said if it’s not about sex why did you have sex with her? Why couldn’t she just have been your friend?
      He said, “That’s what she said, too.”

      He lives with her now, 5 mos. post D-Day.

  172. GullibleMe says

    “I made a promise. I promised her I would not tell you we were fooling around.”

    …what about your promise to ME on our wedding day you $%@#(&???????????

    It’s right up there with “I lied to you out of respect for you.”

    She was our son’s school friend’s mother. Finally after he DID tell me (in front of her), she cried on my shoulder, she followed me into bed and sat there holding my hand and crying/apologizing more. Then once I was asleep she kept texting him (she was sleeping in the spare room and he on the couch) until he got out of bed and had sex with her. (“to prove a point” he later told me) The next morning I made all our children lunch and gave her son a clean school uniform and drove them all to school, waving her goodbye with a smile.

    That goodly demonstration of grace and class on my part had no effect. The cat was out of the bag, but he still kept on seeing her with outrageous lies to get out of the house (I banned her from the house from that day, of course). I caught him 2 more times. And yes I am still with him now and he has ended it with her, via a strong letter that he wote himself and showed me. More anon.

    • anotherErica says


      That’s a fucked up way to “prove a point”… and I don’t know what point he was proving anyway… unless it’s that he’s an insane asshole.

      I wish you well, but I’m not convinced. Even if he holds to whatever he said in his letter (that is a strong “if”), I think you deserve much much more.

      • GullibleMe says

        Thanks I know, that’s why I am called Gullible” :) – and I would not be on this site if I didn’t need support from women like you and CL, even though I am technically in a “unicorn reconciliation” at the mo.
        [I understand and can relate to the kibbles, pick me, spackle and the skein and the other stuff. My h is nowhere near BPD or NPD, and not a serial cheater, but he still has soooo many of the traits/weaknesses/immaturity of the spouses described on this site]

        He meant it was *her* way of proving a point, that she had that hold over him to do that right under my nose in another room of our house while children and I were sleeping. But it is still an example of him refusing to take responsiblity (she made me do it, I relaly didn’t want to, jsut got it over and done with etc etc)

        And I so appreciate all the humour.

        • EmmaPemma says

          Sorry if I missed something but what the hell was she doing sleeping in your house?! Why were you making her childs lunch? Why did you drive them anywhere?

          Sorry sweetie but this man is treating you like a fool and you are letting him.

          The person you should be banning from your house is him.

          • GullibleMe says

            I didn’t know they were having an affair – that’s why she was there (a family friend who often stayed over with her child).
            Yes he treated me like a fool – but at the time I did not know

            • Kelly says

              Oh hey Gullible, my husbands’s APs (there were at least 2) slept over our house with me and my children present, sometime with married AP’s children, sometimes both AP’s at same time (found out later ex had individual affairs and group sex with these AP’s, yuck!). too thought they were family friends and co-workers, and needed to stay when in town for my ex’s consukting business. I’m a damn attorney so it is embarrassing to admit how trusting and clueless I was, but there you go.

              • GullibleMe says

                yup, me too (a lawyer). Nothing wrong with trusting the person you made marriage vows with, and with your kids in the house too. BUT I trust women less now, and that is relaly shameful to me. I hesitate to invite kids’ mothers over for a cuppa if they are young/pretty/damaged/going through stuff…

              • TheMuse says

                Kelly and Gullible, I am a chump attorney too. I finally hired a private investigator AFTER D-Day to find out what was really going on with X and the OW because on 12/2/2014 after four months of dropping hints about us having a 2nd chance, and that it was going to be over with her soon, he again told me that to my face that it was over with her. He then drove out to the city where she lives and basically moved in and has been there the last 3 weeks. It finally SUNK IN that he lies and simply sucks when I saw the P.I. video and video stills of them walking into a restaurant together with her holding his arm. I was completely trusting and clueless too. No more.

              • Kelly says

                There are quite a few chump attorneys on here, certainly didn’t protect us any. I often wish I had hired a P.I. 15 years ago when I suspected something was going on….instead I believed my husband’s insistence that he adored me and would never cheat. I realize now that I believed him because I so desperately wanted to. I could not believe my gut which was screaming at me that something was wrong with this picture. The thing that got me to Meh was realizing (literally on a Tuesday, when I was flying home from Florida after taking depositions), that no matter how good a liar my ex was, or how busy I was, I was always the smarter, competent partner, the more involved parent, the person who kept the family going and together, and I should have trusted myself and trusted my gut. Somehow, taking that on myself seemed to free myself from victimhood and I realized I was at Meh….happier without him. So my Meh was in 2013. My New Year’s resolution for 2014 is to give up the anger over what he did and how much of my life and love he wasted doing it.

  173. Meghan says

    Some beauties my husband used:

    I didn’t think I’d get caught.

    I thought I deleted that video if me having sex with her.

    You didn’t make enough money.

    I was never allowed to have any girlfriends.

    You never got your license.

    The opportunity was there, so I took it.

    • TheMuse says

      Meghan, I like “The opportunity was there, so I took it.”

      My X said the same thing almost word for word:
      “All I did was take advantage of an offer.”

      In the 5 mos since D-Day he has said the most hideous things about his OW to me, and anytime I start missing him, I remember that he is just using her in the most crass way, and I don’t feel jealous. Sampling:

      “She’s not the kind of person I could be in a relationship with.”
      “I don’t know why you think the sex with her is all hearts and flowers and wonderful or something. Its JUST sex.”

  174. Meghan says

    A few beauties my husband used:

    I didn’t think I’d get caught.
    I thought I deleted that video of me having sex with her.
    You didn’t make enough money.
    You sat on the wrong couch.
    I haven’t cheated on you in years! …(what?)
    You never got your driver’s license.
    You didn’t trust me.
    I was never allowed to have any girlfriends.
    The opportunity was there, so I took it.
    Its not about sex.

  175. Yoder says

    Meghan, in this succinct nut shell, you have outlined the basis on which all narcissistic cheaters rationalize their erratic, unconscionable behavior. They believe themselves to be entitled, which means that every person they touch becomes miserable…including themselves.

  176. Yoder says

    “My h is nowhere near BPD or NPD, and not a serial cheater,”

    If I was a betting person, I would probably drop a grand on this one.

    • GullibleMe says

      Thanks Yoder – you have really made me think about that. I work in mental health so didn’t wnat to just toss around those diagnoses lightly (I mean the personality disorders – he does not fit the criteria for any of them). But serial cheater -yes maybe he is. I guess some cheaters are not. He might not be one of those, of course! I need to watch, listen and observe, as CL says. But not make myself crazy in the process. Stop trying to fix it, stop rowing, put the oars down, etc. TRy to be the change I want to see. (misquoting Gandhi I know)

  177. Meghan says

    It took me 3 days from Dday to pack my shit, grab my 15 month old son and hop on a plane ( I was living in Ireland and moved home to Canada)… It’s been 3 months of good days and bad, but there has never been any question in my mind about making the right decision! I can’t live my life being treated so poorly by another human being. No love, no respect. I will not teach my son that this kind of behavior is acceptable!

    • RNE says

      I’m in the same boat as you. 3 days later (today) I’m getting on a plane with my kids and leaving him. I hurt so bad. It sometimes feels like it might be better to just lie down and die, but I’m trying to be strong for my boys.

  178. EmmaPemma says

    A new one!

    “She if is a slut and you aren’t. I would never ask you to do the stuff that I knew she would let me do”


  179. GullibleMe says

    Yes sorry Emma, I did not explain on this page (I did on another CL one). The OW was my friend, came over every friday after work to fetch her son (who I picked up from school – our son’s best friend, in the same grade 2 class, to play with our kids once a week).

    She would have a drink and played pool with us (and her husband, until she left him in around April 2013). After that she came on her own and drowned her sorrows, needed a friend.

    Gradually, she stayed later and later, and we said she and her son could sleep over night (he obviously went to bed early, with our kids).

    So they had their room – she and her son – a spare room in our house.

    Then some time in May 2013, she and my husband kissed after I had gone to bed – I had absolutely no reason to suspect anything, I would never have insisted that he be chaperoned, we have had 8 years of marriage and never had anyone come into our lives like this.

    So: she pretended to still be my friend – and confidante about my marriage, as he was getting cold towards me – while having an A with him. Mostly it happened in each other’s vehicles, a couple of times at our house, while I was asleep (in his shed where the pool table is), during work hours, after school, in evening too.

    But I got into his mobile phone and read some SMSs and then accused them (BOTH of them – she is not some anonymous OW, she is a 48 year old mother of my child’s best friend – and recently separated from her 14year marriage to her child’s son), talked to him alone, her alone, both together – and finally they admitted it while both together and looking me in the eye. She cried, apologised etc. He said he loved her and wanted to be with her, threw his wedding ring at me.

    So I said go – you are free. That night. But he reneged the next day, said he did not want to be with her, etc. So I said fine, let’s try.

    But then a couple of weeks later I caught them (at end of August. 8 weeks ago). I immediately left – packed car and children and went to a friend’s house on the other side of town and told him to stay the f away from me and my children. 2 days later I returned to get our bags for holiday and he was still there. Begging, had deleted everything from his phone (took him all night – he is not tech-savvy – has no email or facebook or anything like that – is not from a western country), written her the letter, did all the remorseful actions (I told him I would not believe a word that came out of his mouth, it is just actions) and begged to come on the family holiday that I had booked.

    I said yes – for the children’s sake (first time seeing snow). He came – it was like a honeymoon – BUT I was under no illusions – every day at a time etc. I said what I wanted (“if my heart’s soaking wet, boy your boots can leave a mess” – he woudn’t know that’s Tori!) and asked any question I wanted. He showed me her texts of fury replies to his letter (incl. explicit details of them in bed followed by “so suck it up, Gullible!” to me, as she rightly assumed he would show me the SMSs). Obviously I have had to walk past her and see her car at school every day. I have not said a word to her. All our kids still ask why they can’t have playdates.

    That was 8 weeks ago. I have been in a coping mechanism bubble until just this week when I discovered this site. I am in a unicorn reconciliation, and DO NOT KNOW if it is false or not – nobody knows that. Time will tell.

      • GullibleMe says

        Thanks GIO. In all the HOURS she and I talked, I learned that she was the child of an alcoholic and a paedophile (she got access to her social services file once she had turned 18) and had spent the age of 0-3 being neglected/abused by them, been removed by the government, put in an orphanage (we had them in our country back in the 1960s), where she was further abused, and then was one of the “lucky ones” to have been placed in a permanent foster family along wiht one of her little siblings. So she has enormous “FOO issues” which are an excuse for pretty much everything – inability to save money, addictions, incl obscene amounts of gambling. SO I PITIED her.

        If CL had a page called “Stupid Shit OW say”, I would list these choice ones she said to me this year:

        “You look SO PRETTY in that – did he [my husband] notice?”

        “Wow you have really sexy legs!” (when I was wearing a skirt for once)

        “Did you get yourself some earrings? They’re gorgeous!”

        “Did you get your eybrows/hair done? What did he say? Did he compliment you?”

        “You are an attractive intelligent woman – what are you doing with him?”

        “Some people are not meant to be together – if you’re not Soul Mates, get out.”

        “X [a recently-divorced male friend of mine who came over to help gardening] asked for my number. Why don’t YOU go out wiht him? You two are suited!”

        “I love you.”

        “I know it might be a bit premature, but maybe a couple of years down the track, I hope we and our kids can be friends. I miss our friendship so much.” [while crying on my shoulder]

        [this was the last thing she ever said to me, in August. I replied, “no, sorry that will never happen”

  180. Yoder says

    Through my own evaluation, I came up with the following term, “Selective Sparkle.” My h exhibits this when confronted with public situations. He says whatever he thinks everyone else wants to hear. In private he never refers to his “negativity”, but rather, refers to himself as a pessimist. Although he would have made a brilliant politician, he probably would have had a nervous breakdown in the process, as the weight (over stimulation due to the balancing act) would have placed more pressure than bearable on his ability to coexist with himself. Covert Narcs are the most difficult to live with because they can be quite illusive in personality. Dare I say, often presenting themselves having split personalities?

  181. redless says

    “It’s just cheaper to keep you so let’s just stay married–but I’m still going to go to church with my ‘friend’. Because that is our time together, you can’t come”

  182. Lara says

    Mine said a few things:

    The first thing he said when I confronted him with what I’d found on his phone (videos and pictures of the woman having sex with him ) :

    You shouldn’t have looked if you wouldn’t have liked what you’d see. (not exact wording, but something along those lines)

    Then, a month on, he sent me an email (I had been full NC) justifying his cheating :

    “I can’t stay within the restraints of a normal relationship. The constant moods and emotions are hard work”

    Constant moods emotions? Isn’t that, like, the definition of being alive? So he finds dealing with someone who is not a zombie/dead inside/narc to be too much work? Creepy.

    • GullibleMe says

      “the constant moods and emotions” – I got “I can’t talk to you [read: tell me a truthful thing] because you get too emotional” [read: I am upset about the A. Yes I am a human not a robot, upset you have lied to me for years and been sleeping with my friend under my nose incl in my house].

      • Lara says

        Yeah. It blew my mind when he said / emailed / texted that stuff….. Especially the “you shouldn’t have looked if you weren’t going to like what you’d find.” WTF?

  183. says

    So the ex and I have had to talk a bit more recently, since the kids have basically started refusing to see him (karma bus, incoming!!!!). Since I want to stay out of this, I’ve encouraged him to see a family therapist w/the kids.

    But he took advantage of these contacts, and his increasing realization that HE has fucked up his life big time, to again try to convince me to ‘try again’.

    He tried this at the end of last year (about 8 months post DDay #2/end of relationship), but was still saying ‘infidelity is just something that happens when relationships aren’t going well’ and ‘my threatening you (very, very convincingly, btw) was not a big deal, because I never actually hurt you’. Not surprisingly, that unicorn wouldn’t fly. (Mixed metaphor, I know!!)

    So this week, now a year and a half post DDay, he’s full of realizations, finally. He took the kids and I for granted. He has been a really unhappy, angry, negative person, always, and this led to meanness to us. He’s really messed up, hadn’t realized how much …. bla bla bla. Fairly vague apologies, but even some not quite as vague. Admitted I was right when I said he wasn’t a good person. Trying to show me that now he’s aware of these things, this makes him a MUCH better person, he’s a changed man, and totally worth taking another chance on. Asked me out on a date.

    So I asked him if he was still with the OW. He admitted he was. So I asked if his trying to date me wasn’t him cheating again, this time on her. Mumbled replies. Told him I only want to date honest people, and he isn’t one, still. He tells me it would take SO MUCH STRENGTH to break up w/her without any guarantee of whether things would work out for us. Just as it would have taken SO MUCH STRENGTH to leave me before fucking her. Clearly I have totally unrealistic expectations.

    Sometimes they just keep showing us who they are. And that makes it pretty easy to trust that they suck.

      • KarenE says

        Thanks Kelly, I do feel smart and grounded NOW, but I was SUCH a chump for so many years ….. Frankly it’s embarassing! Good to know I have great company in chumpdom here!

    • Kara says

      So in other words, he doesn’t want to dump her until he’s sure he’s got a backup plan. You were his back pocket plan, and now since he wants you back, she’s in the back pocket.

      HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA wow. You are so much better of a human being than he is. I mean that. I don’t really know you, but I believe it.

      • KarenE says

        It’s not actually hard being a better person than him! What amazes me is that he doesn’t see the complete absurdity and stupidity of the stuff he says to me!

    • Lara says

      Wow… the nerve he had to say that he has no guarantees this would work out if he lets go of the OW!! That’s utterly despicable… what a selfish prick!! He basically wants to line up women and jump from one to the next. Typical narcissist behavior. A harem of narcissistic supply. They can’t live on their own, do things on their own. They must have a constant supply, a person to leech off of and suck dry — emotionally, physically, and even financially. This guy is just asking you to be one of his harem members… and he’s probably not far from asking you (if you ever got back together with him) to entertain an “open relationship” (mine wanted to go to swinger clubs and do threesomes with me and other women). SICK.

      • Lara says

        Also, he reminds me of Stan in The Golden Girls.. that episode in the first season, where he is dumped by the young woman he cheated on his ex-wife with, and runs back to ex-wife.. Look it up on youtube. So many people these days are like this.. they don’t want to be alone, so they treat you as one of a number of women (or men) in a long list of dial-a-lay/dial-a-pseudo-relationship.

    • EmmaPemma says

      I think you should take him back.

      Seriously, I think you should!

      Do whatever it takes to get him to dump OW.

      Then dump his ass hard and fast! He doesnt want to find out what its like to be on his own, I suggest you show him!!

      • says

        The nice part is, I don’t even have to! He started screwing her when he was out of town 4 days a week for work, for several months. He was then back in our city full-time for a half-year, miserable because alone (that’s when the first attempt to come back to me occurred) then back in hers part-time for another 3 or 4 months. Now he’s back here again, and she’s not. I’m betting she’s refused to move (has teenagers and a great job there), he probably couldn’t find as good a job there as here, and now he sees her every second weekend only. He’s supposed to see the kids the other weekends, but they’ve been refusing to go to him.

        So he’s far far more alone than he can stand, and miserable. GOOD

  184. BarristerBelle says

    Story from the American Bar Association Journal (@ABAjournal on Twitter): Lawyer seeks to retain his license, despite affair with wife of client on trial for murder

    — The best part is his “excuse”…He has “severe Attention Deficit Disorder.”

    Yeah. I’m calling bullshit on that one. It’s not “ADD.” More like NPD.

    • GreenGirl says

      I have severe ADD. Does that mean I can rob a bank and keep the money if I get caught? Because if so I could use the cash.

    • KarenE says

      That’s funny! I wasn’t paying attention, so I tripped and fell on top of her w/my zipper open! I got distracted from the ‘client on trial for murder’ part and could only remember the ‘wife of’ part! I was daydreaming and she walked into my daydream, I didn’t realize it was real! My mind kept wandering when I was reviewing the docs for the trial, and that’s where it wandered to – not my fault my prick followed!

      And how exactly did he get a law degree with that terribly terribly severe ADD???

  185. Jayne says

    2 years after the wedding he pushed me into with ‘set the date, set the date, come on, set the date’ I came across phone records of him texting her every day, multiple times each day for 18 months:

    Me: why the hell did you marry me?
    him: I wanted a big party for our friends and family!

    him: she meant nothing to me, I didn’t even like her.

    him: She thought so much of herself I just wanted to teach her a lesson!

    him: I just wanted to get her to admit she wanted me. I was pressured into having sex with her.

    him: I didn’t want it, Think she wanted it more.

    him: No I didn’t feel guilty. I compartmentalised it.

    him: It wasn’t an affair and it didn’t go on for as long as it looked like (despite the hard evidence of the phone records)

    him: after I’d dumped him and he wanted to come back: ‘you even got me to accept the time scale’ (no it was the phone records that got you to accept the timescale d**khead!)

    him: (after I’d let him come back and just before he left me again) you think it was some dreadful crime against the universe that I cheated on you! (yup!)


  186. Janet says

    I read these Stupid Shit Cheaters say all the time just for reenforcement but I think yours takes the cake. Wow Victoria. My H denies the OW said he wanted to marry her but when I bring that fact up he says “I was drunk” says he won’t marry her because she carries alot of debt but continues to text or talk to her every day. Go figure or better yet don’t waste your time. Like plunging the depths of saran wrap.

  187. Jayne says

    After finding out about his affair I rang OW and called her a whore. She texted him and told him to tell me to back off or she’d send her new boyfriend around to our house! He texted back and told her I’d said I wouldn’t contact her again, but if I did she should call the police! When I confronted him about this he said he was protecting me!!!!!!


    By the way, he started his affair 1 month after we got back from honeymoon. He confessed to chasing her (she didn’t throw herself at him) and throughout his affair he told me daily I was the best thing that had ever happened to him, I was the only woman for him, he’d never been so happy in his life, he felt like he’d won the lottery with me! Took me 2 years of trickle truth before he finally admitted to the affair and that was 2 years of me being called for everything for ‘being suspicious’ about the crap he was telling me!

    I don’t know how he looks himself in the mirror! What the f*** was all that about?????

    • says

      I have a theory about the looking in the mirror bit – it doesn’t bother them because when they look, there’s NOTHING there!

      Didn’t that used to be a sign that someone was a zombie or vampire or other creature with no soul??

      • Jayne says

        LOL KarenE :-D

        D’you know – it’s over 4 years since I found out about his affair(s) (Get this – in an attempt to show me how ‘truthful’ he was and that this wasn’t an affair [as he insisted for the first 2 years and tortured me for being such a horrible person to accuse him of cheating, but then confessed it too was a sexual affair – but hey, I knew all along apparently and so I shouldn’t be angry at him for mind-fucking me for 2 years!], he confessed to 3 other affairs before we got married – I can’t believe it but I was so utterly devastated by this last affair, faced with all the inescapable evidence as I was, I think I’ve only just now ‘heard’ his confession – how mad is that??) – in that time he has left me / come back / left me uncountable times (basically for being ‘sad’ and calling him on his ongoing shit!) I don’t think he’s got an OW on the go since D Day – but then again, what would I know? If he has I’d just like to tell them to flee – I’m so not taking it personally anymore – he just doesn’t like any women – full stop!

        I am so, so, so grateful to have found this website – it is like a breath of fresh air blowing the fog away. I’ve spent 4 years paying the price for his NPD shittiness – reading all those evil ‘There must have been something wrong with the marriage’ and ‘You can save this marriage if you just try harder at being perfect’ pieces of ‘advice’ – talk about kicking someone when they’re down!!!!!

        I think the only thing I did wrong was not truly believing there are really monsters out there! I wasted so much time and heartache spackling this tosspotopath (haha!) thinking he was human, as prone to mistakes and as open to compassion, empathy as I am. I’ve never had a relationship that came close to the bullying, controlling, domineering, dehumanizing, objectifying, demanding and above all contemptuous excuse for love in my life! Jeez, all I had to do was hold up a mirror to his smug face and perhaps tear down a curtain and cross a couple of candlesticks – doh! I spent all those years as a kid convincing myself that there weren’t any bogeymen in the wardrobe or under the bed – and bloody well let the big bad wolf get into the bed when I should have been old enough to realise MONSTERS DO EXIST!!!!! Cor! Wish they’d have taught me that in school!!! :-D

  188. ddame23 says

    “Her (The OW’s) therapist told her (The OW, and presumably by extension, him) that sometimes, ‘Affairs are something that need to happen'”.
    I keep imagining serving him divorce papers with a note stating, “This is also something that ‘needed to happen.'”

    He also told me that his affair with his 18 year old OW “helped set the standard for her of how she should be treated in a relationship”. I wish I had said, “Really, what about how your wife is supposed to be treated in a relationship?” But it just hurts to much to bother.

    • EmmaPemma says

      It set the standard for her?

      So for the rest of her life she will be content to be used by an older man for sex, kept as his dirty little secret and then binned off the second his cake eating is threatened?

      Poor girl.

    • says

      Somebody SAYS her therapist said that, ya never know what was actually said! (Although let us not forget that there are narc therapists and cheater therapists, too, so they have to justify their behaviour somehow, right?)

      • Diana L. says

        Sadly, I think there are therapists who believe that some affairs are a way to break up a bad marriage. So maybe someone told the poor kid this. She’s getting used for her body by a selfish guy and a therapist is helping him do it. The kid needs someone who will help get back to integrity.

  189. Lisa B says

    “You know what your problem is? You have ethics!!” Nice response to his lies. Never saw that as a problem before, it would explain why is was always telling people I should teach an ethics class. Too bad it never rubbed off on him.

    “Here’s some advise, in your next relationship don’t tell the truth” after confronting him on his lies and constant emotional abuse/torture

    “I need to be loved a way that makes me tingle and feel butterflies all the time” Kind of hard when you washing the skid marks out of his under ware.

    “I need constant attention and validation” Guess between me, the happy ending massages, sleezy motel hook ups and the other women he just could not get enough

    “I call you from random numbers because I know you wont take my calls”

    “I know this is selfish, but I can’t truly move on with her because I still love you, can you help me with that?” Huh??

    He divorced me to be with his ex wife that left and cheated on him 25 years ago (we were married 20)…..then he called me back in tears and told me that she was still a lying and cheating whore but they were going to try and work it out. That I always told the truth and never lied or cheated on him. I told him to go see a therapist, he asked if he could see mine. Uff

    He is a special kind of screwed up…….the last time we spoke I told him to stop trying to keep me on the emotional hook to stroke his ego. In his anger he shot back by saying “Well, then I guess we shouldn’t talk anymore, is that what you REALLY want?” Like is was some kind of punishment not talking to him, I said “Sounds good!! ok”

    It boggles the mind how abusive they can be and still try to “remain friends because we have a special bond”. The list of abuse, lies and out right cruelty seems to have escaped his memory. You know the saying, with friends like that who needs enemies.

  190. GullibleMe says

    “Let me read it then, give me the phone” -girl
    “You don’t need to see my phone to trust me” -guy
    “Are we going to live together?” -girl
    “Yeah but what is, like, living together? Like what’s an apartment mean? You know what I’m saying?” -guy
    “Do you love me?” -girl
    “Look I’m not a guy who’s into labels, Rachel. You knew that getting in.” -guy

    excerpted from this:

    Poor chump Rachel!

  191. Chris says

    My ex after I found “I love you Baby” traced on the dirt on his car: she has nothing to do with this. We are just friends. (This of course was after I found the emails from him telling her he was sorry he couldn’t get it up, sometimes that just happened).

    “European men (he was from Germany) don’t cheat unless they are sure the marriage is over.”

    After he married the woman he left me for: “I was not having an affair. We were friends, and then the relationship developed after we separated.”

    • says

      That ‘European Men’ comment is unbelievably stupid! What, every man on the continent has the same beliefs and behaviours? Where did DSK and Sarkozy come from, just to start at the top????

  192. Tiffany says

    “She’s lying about sleeping with me because I wouldn’t partner with her on a business proposition.” Proposition my #)*)&#)*

  193. David says

    1. “I was being discreet” (after leaving garters I had never seen before on top of her dresser and seeing empty packets of lube in her open cosmetics bag on the floor of the bathroom).
    2. “if you wouldn’t have looked at my texts and emails, you would never have known. I feel violated.”

  194. tom jode says

    When first confronted:

    ” Do you think I would do this if I was happy???”

    When found in bed with her AP:

    “Are you happy now????”

    Un f****in” believable, but it’s true.

  195. says

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    A dog cannot tell you what kind of mold is necessary because the health of your
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    you can anticipate to be quite nauseous. One
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  196. chuck says

    My wife told me not to worry, that the 30 yr old guy she was having an affair with was “out of her league” and it would have been over soon anyway. When I asked if a guy with kids by 3 different women was out of her league what did that make me she told me to stop using her words against her.

      • Chuck says

        This was before I found out he lived with his Grandmother, one of those nuggets you wish you could have tossed out when you mentally rewrite the script of your life, I guess the attraction of a younger guy in this world of Cougartown and the glorification of the May/December thing means facts like these aren’t relevant. Thanks for the reply, we seemed to have about a month of those inane comments before he got booted from Grandmas and she moved out to rescue him

  197. Jodi says

    Oh Wow!!! Its so good to know that I’m not the only one.

    4 weeks before he runs off with her.. He gets a text… his hands are all greasy from working on his motorbike so I pick up his phone and check the message (all the while being told, no its ok leave it)…

    The text read… I love you, I love you, I love you… from one of the girls he works with. I asked what the hell is this!!!!???? She must have sent it to me by mistake.

    Ring him up on his days off.. what are you doing today?? Oh I’m with Sally, she needs help with an assignment. Or I’m having coffee with Sally because she needs somebody to talk to.

    Another email he was reading when I walked into the room where he was… a message from her.. can’t wait to see you. Love you. Sally xxx The excuse, oh she says that to everybody and flirts with everybody like that.

    Another girl from a few years ago… he got a text message while he was in the shower one afternoon before going to work… Ok, I’ll see you tomorrow, I’ll be home alone x… when I asked him about this, oh it must be a wrong number, I have no idea who that is…. check his phone bill. There is about 50 messages to this one number.

    The girl who rings him up on a Friday night to go to the football. I had just asked him half an hour before to go. He said no. She rings up and asks, he turns to me and says I’m heading off to the footy tonight, you should stay at home because the kids wouldn’t want to go and its too cold to drag them out.

    And there are sooo many more.

    Total total moron!!!!

  198. ChumpChick says

    “At least I didn’t go f*** someone else like some people would!”

    That’s literally what he told me after I caught him cheating for the 3rd time. I’ve left him now but what was I supposed to say… Congratulations on keeping it in ur pants??? Ha!

  199. SeeTheLight says

    Found out after many suspicious years and confrontations (where naturally I was labeled paranoid and too sensitive) that X went to bdsm providers, tantric sex instructors, multitudinous escorts, cyber-sex, random hook-ups/suspect gay ones too, solicitations on Craigs List, kinky classifieds, etc…, because he wanted to make our ” relationship” and “sex” better. Well isn’t he a sweetie?

    In the meantime, I was the ultimate “beard:” neglected, asking for emotional and intimate connection, experimentation, and his version of sex with me, barely even met the standard of “vanilla.” Obviously not an apt pupil for all that extracurricular study.

    Chronic STD and ED would be too kind.

  200. Stina says

    After I found out he was meeting women through OK Cupid.

    Husband – “But I’m just meeting new friends; it’s not dating.”

    And after I found secret email accounts, found out that he was having sex with women he met through Ashley Madison and other sites – he tried to make me feel like I was the crazy one. He saw my invasion of his privacy as a huge issue, and said it was a “dealbreaker” for him. I said that, “I can respect your privacy, but privacy doesn’t include having secrets that hurt me, our marriage and others, and include putting your dick in someone else.”

      • nicolette14 says

        when I had found his accounts on and discreet with all his own info and his own personal email by the way, he said he opened those for his brother lol :)))

  201. Stina says

    Some other lines my spouse used:

    – “But I thought our marriage was over” (used to explain why he cheated when he did, and at the time of the cheating there was no communication of his unhappiness in our marriage.)

    – “You leave food in the sink strainer” (when asked him if there is something wrong in our relationship, and during that time he was cheating on me with other women and I had absolutely no clue.)

    -“You don’t respect my privacy” (when I’m asking him to come to bed and he’s up late in the living room “working” on his laptop at 2am – never once thinking he was chatting with other women online.)

    -“We have different world views” (WTF? – well, if that refers to the fact that I believe in loyalty and respect and he doesn’t, then OK.)

    -“You don’t own me.”

    -When referring to his experiences on Ashley Madison, “It was like an alternative form of therapy.” He had refused to go see a therapist.

    • Happy to be free says

      OMG, I think that we were married to the same ass!! I swear there MUST be a book that they use for excuses.

      • ForgeOn! says

        Whoa!! We were all married to the same freak!! ROTFL!!! Bad, bad you!! Food in the strainer! Call out the Marines!!!

        Yes, there is a ‘book’ or rather a script, they all read from (male or female)……It is a script written by the devil himself! (Also, there is a real book called “The Script”……. The authors noticed the same thing as we have and wrote a book……worth your time to check it out.)

        The cheaters all think they are so creative and have come up with some amazingly profound, original & intuitive revealtions & comments, but all it really is, is someone else’s recycled poo!

        A variation on the ‘food’ theme: (food & cooking sure does seem to get mentioned a lot!!) Soon after we married, his work schedule required he be at work at 7am. Feeling it was part of my role as a dutiful wife to be sure he is nourished for his workday, I arise way earlier than my body allows, made repeated efforts over a number of days, to fix a breakfast he will eat.

        Finally, after about a week or two of his refusal to eat what I had struggled to prepare, accompanied by stark silence, he finally says, “I do not eat breafast. I do not feel like eating until about noon or so. I am not awake enough that early……..” Fine….No problem for me, as I am not a morning person. Fast forward several years—One of his emotional affairs is conducted over, you guessed it! Breakfast!!! Why?! His justification: “My wife doesn’t fix me breakfast!”

        So sad, so sad…..SIlly them….They are only an empty shell……..
        More thoughts on this another day
        Love to all……….

    • BP says

      “You leave food in the sink strainer”

      LOL mine said something really similar. I was like “you don’t get to complain about dishes after cheating on me multiple times and lying about it, SORRY.”

        • Sammie D says

          Back at the time I have recently discovered was when my X had his initial affair as he puts it. I found myself very depressed, he was working all hours coming home at 11pm feeding me lines like his boss was working late so he had to also ( no she wasn’t the ap) we also had three young kids the youngest of which was a hand full. My depression lead to irrational out bursts and I took of one day with a sharp knife from the kitchen, I don’t recall being suicidal but I did turn myself into our family Dr . X convinced me to go to hospital volunterly, after three weeks as an inpatient when sitting with the psych I was assigned to. X was asked the following question. Your wife is in a really good space right now is there anything you might need to bring up and discuss with her.
          X ” she is not a very good house keeper”
          Dr” how do you nk you might be able to help her with that”
          X ” well I can clean the house to the level I want and she just has to maintain it”
          You were having an affair and all you could bring up is you didn’t like e way I kept our house. Well excuse me. TOOL.

  202. Victorious says

    So today, I told my mother-in-law about the new information I was told last night from husband; that he had several times visited massage parlors and paid for hand jobs. She texts him this morning, “Massage Parlor?!!”
    His response to me was, “You really have crossed the line on this one!” “Now I will have to explain this to my mom and grandma.”

    Hilarious, now I’m the one who has crossed the line. Starting to see the light- he really is delusional! Classic him though, never takes FULL responsibility.

  203. all4freedom says

    Mine never admitted cheating on me even though I found texts and receipts for dinners as well as other things. I left him because my oldest son was starting to talk to me like him. That was the moment I knew this jacked up relationship was no longer about s2bx and I, it was a life lesson to my children on relationships.
    My favorite line about why she called and texted him so often, even though he has never ever admitted anything is “She is a single mom and needs someone to talk to” This from a man who was too tired to play with his own kids and left it all up to me. I am a single mom now (7 months out) and FUNNY! I have YET to contact my boss and ask for moral support DAILY about how tired and stressed I am. Guess I am silly like that.

  204. proudlymovingon says

    Mine has yet to admit to the cheating but finding his online conversations, texts and driving around with another woman has pretty much sealed the deal for me. He has said many things- accused me of being an emotional abuser (I abused by offering him a free education, clothes and not forcing him to get a job), that I never appreciated him (you are home all day collecting disability and unemployment, you can do a f$%ing load of laundry or make dinner) and that he didn’t love me and only married me because it was the right thing to do. But the topper is when he told me he wanted the divorce- after taking our two children (ages 2 &3) to their first movie at a theater and I put them down for a nap, he says he wants a divorce, that he thought I wanted the divorce too and we could find better people to be with and be really good friends.

    we have our first court date January 9th and no, we won’t be friends! Yup, I spackled and now realize that he was a lazy, POS right from the beginning! #disgusted

  205. ash84 says

    I read my husband’s texts and knew he’d been screwing prostitutes since God knows when. By the time I told him I knew about it, he’d deleted all those texts (so, I didn’t have any physical proof anymore).
    So, at the confrontation, he denied it altogether that he’d been cheating on me. And he actually said one of the things in ur post “if u think I’m that kind of a person, u shouldn;t be with me”.
    And that “if u don’t trust me and if u leave me because of this, then u leave me!” :|

    • jennydvdsn says

      When I accused STBX of being a liar for cheating on me multiple times including the last three years with the latest AP, he told me he ONLY LIES TO ME, and ONLY about AP. I guess all the other skanks he banged don’t count bc I didn’t know at the time?

      He still refers to me as “wife” all the time. Bc I’M the one that forgot, right.

      My current favorite is : you aren’t really going to divorce me are you?
      I have kicked him out, retained an attorney, filed and we are in the process if completing the parenting plan. Yes, asshat, it is happening.

  206. bellzero says

    My ex told me that ‘
    “No my cheating with the OW has not hurt our four girls” WT? I told him are you crazy of course this has hurt them as we are no longer a family. You ass hole.

  207. TheMuse says

    Said he was going to be late from work because he “had to” go to dinner with a client who wanted to than him for work on “their” house (he’s a remodeling contractor). I asked where he was going and he said Burger King. When he wasn’t home by 10:30 I texted to ask when he’d be home and he said 11:30, and was right on the dot. Meanwhile I was suspicious so I checked the cell phone account online and saw dozens of texts and calls to the same number. When he got home, I asked “were you on a date?” (We weren’t married but lived together 16 yrs). He laughed out loud and said no. Then I confronted him with the proof and he admitted it. Here’s a sampling of the DUMB SH*T he said that night and the weeks following:

    – It just happened. She was all over me like a train wreck. I did everything I could to fend her off.

    – I didn’t want to tell you about it till I knew it was a sure thing with her.

    – I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to ruin your life. And I knew you’d go ballistic like you are now.

    – I’m probably making the biggest mistake of my life and it probably won’t last with her, and my whole economy will crash, but I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t take advantage of this opportunity.

    – She sees the lost little boy inside of me.

    – She makes me feel like a man.

    – She sees that I’m a big picture guy, you don’t.

    – Don’t tell anyone I said this but she’s not the kind of person I could be in a relationship with (but he lives with her now).

    – If it doesn’t work out with her I can totally see us getting back together again.

    – If you play your cards right, you might just get a second chance with me.

    – No one knows what the future holds.

    – I ran the Sharing Idea by her but she wouldn’t go for that.

    – I told her I couldn’t leave you because you need me to take care of you. (I pay for everything).

    – I was in torment for 2 whole weeks trying to get her under control. She was starting to put conditions on my seeing her.

    — I don’t know what you are so upset about. All I did was take advantage of an offer. But then I realized if I could so easily end up in bed with someone else, there must be something really wrong with our relationship.

    – I don’t know what you are so upset about. I stayed with you longer than I stayed with anyone before you.

    – I’m not 100% sure of her. Things are all over the place!

    – I don’t know what happened. One minute I was 100% committed to you and then next thing I knew I was 100% committed to her.

    – It was really only three days. We were mostly talking, okay also f*cking. He smiled as he said well, it was ‘this much’ talking (making a wide gesture) and ‘this much’ f*cking (making a smaller gesture) on the ‘first day.’

    – I am fiercely loyal to you! I am going to help you get through this!

    – I wish I could split myself in two so one of me could be with her and one with you.

    – I can’t stand the thought of you being all alone in this house!

    – it’s NOT about sex!!!!” “It’s NOT like she wagged her p*ssy in my face! It’s not like she stuck her big t*ts in my face!”

    – Here, let me get you a valium.

    – She takes care of my softer side.

    – You didn’t pay enough attention to me. I asked the Universe, is this all there is? and the Universe said yes. Then she came along and finally someone was paying attention to me. It was meant to be.

    – When I told him I wanted him off the deed to our house: “What!? Don’t you trust me? I would take care of your children if something happened to you.”

    – When I said why didn’t you tell me if you were unhappy and wanted to be with someone else, “What?! No one in their right mind would do that!”

    – I guess this is a reflection on my character. And hers.

    – (Five months later) I don’t know why you think it’s all hearts and flowers with her and that the sex is really wonderful. It’s JUST sex.

    – When told him that I never actually liked the domination type sex he did with me all those years “Sorry bout that.” When I asked if he was doing that stuff with her, he said, “My whole sexuality has changed!”

    – When he said we hadn’t been having enough sex, and I pointed out that a year and a half ago I got a chronic medical condition that prevented me from it, he said, “and when you got better, you never came back to the relationship!” He later told friends he thought I was faking and he was sick of having to come pick me up at work.

    – When I realized he had porn on his computers and had been doing phone sex, he said, “well, you discovered my pathetic little sex life.”

    – Said she was better for him because she has no kids, I said mine are all in their 20s and moved out of the house, he said, “and that’s another thing! all those trips to visit them!”

    — I do still love you! and that’s the problem! Don’t you believe that I still love you? I said I wanted to split myself in two?”

    — I care deeply about you but I don’t love you.

    — When I told him he had to leave and move out of our house – “what? where am I supposed to go?” (Told him to go to her house).

    — I can only imagine your pain.

    — NO changes I made were done to hurt you.

    — I am sorry I have done this to you this way. You deserve better.

    — Do you have any f*cking idea how it feels to have every thing I gave you thrown back in my face? (because I made him move out)

    — If you get therapy and get stronger then we might have a second chance. I’m very concerned that you aren’t getting over this yet. (At 2 months).

    — I was a twisted person when you met me and I’m still a twisted person.

    — I’m not a perfect man by any means.

    — Dozens of times over 16 years I begged you to go to counseling and you refused every time. (When I pointed out this was a total lie:) We both know you have been developing memory problems and this was becoming a problem in the relationship too.

    –I don’t need therapy! What I need, is MONEY! Not therapy! I need MONEY! And a HOUSE!

    — Oh my god. I can’t believe I just yelled at you like that again.

    — You uniquely draw the anger out of me.

    — I would like to be treated as an equal. I would like you to treat me like you would like to be treated. (okay for starters, don’t cheat on me! don’t lie!)

    — I told our friends you and I decided to go our separate ways. (I asked him to tell the truth, that I caught him cheating and kicked him out).

    — I don’t know where I’m moving. It depends on where she finds a job.

    — You and I are not an item anymore.

    — Things will get a little better every day. And then you’ll forget me. They say it takes about a year.

    — Right up to the end, I planned to stay. Then everything changed.

    • bogie says

      Wow Muse – that is a lot of awesome ones, My favorite is this: – “I’m probably making the biggest mistake of my life and it probably won’t last with her, and my whole economy will crash, but I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t take advantage of this opportunity”, because my STBEX said that almost word for word – he gave it a year)

      • TheMuse says

        Your STBX gave it a year… has he asked to come back yet? The best part about “my whole economy will crash” is that what he meant is he cannot support himself without my income. So this was basically an admission that he was using me for money and shelter.

        The other really awesome one is the one about being 100% committed to me and in one instant that changing to a 100% commitment to her. Defies the very meaning of he word “committed.”

        thanks, bogie!

        • bogie says

          We have only been separated 6 months, so no, he hasn’t asked to come back yet. He managed to buy everything he wanted in the 6 months before he told me he was unhappy (backhoe, wood splitter, really nice table saw, new snowmobile). I will get my half of that money back in the settlement.

          When he asked why I was being that way (wanting my 1/2 back) I told him that he made sure he had all his toys when he KNEW that he wanted out. His response was they weren’t toys – they are needed to do work on the yard or supply wood for the woodstove.

          Yeah, key point- they are needed by HIM, for HIM. Those won’t benefit me at all. So, I want my money back!

          • echo says

            Hahahahaha! I guess if the UNIVERSE speaks to you, you better do what it says. Now, I’m sure I’ve heard everything.

  208. Yoder says

    Kelly, “… I believed him because I so desperately wanted to.” After all the empty skein untangling, that one statement of yours is the whole truth. It is also the most difficult to accept and to admit. Now that I have achieved Meh, I am taking advantage of its awesome power. I had no idea.

    • Kelly says

      It’s like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, Yoder. Once you realize you had the power all along, it is actually the moment of freedom. I will never dumb down my abilities, achievements, self confidence, or intuition ever again.

  209. Yoder says

    As I lived in Kansa for several years, I understand completely. The realization I always had the power, was almost overwhelming. From this point on, I will make my on decisions and stick by them, ever moving forward and with the knowledge my instinct are right. Thank you.

  210. sky says

    Background: I had moved abroad and left my own career for husband’s career and spent the last 10 months taking care of him 24/7 after a devastating accident. He started an online thing with a coworker. When I found out, he said ‘It happened because you never supported me in anything’.

    He had also started up a work project with this coworker crush so that he could stay in constant contact with her. I told him to stop the project if he wanted to stay married to me. He looked at me with this hateful gaze and said ‘I can’t do that. Unlike you, I care about commitment.’

    • TheMuse says

      sky, that’s crazy. back when i was still doing the pick me dance with my ex after d-day i flat out asked him to have sex with me and he said, “Joanne (OW) said that she was okay and understood that might happen, but I don’t feel it would be fair to all parties.” Oh and he started cheating with her after a year and a half of me having a serious medical condition. they sure suck, don’t they.

  211. Jode70 says

    When I asked him if he was having an affair with her his response… No way, all I pay for then would be make up and spray tans…

  212. TheMuse says

    “Well, yes, I made a procedural mistake.” After I said it was unfair for you to cheat on me. He’s trying to say that he planned to leave along, it was merely a “matter of timing.” I see this as akin to “Yes, I was lying to you all along, but I was planning to tell the truth to you at some point, it was merely a procedural matter of timing.”

  213. EmmaPemma says

    Hee Hee!

    I have got the gift that keeps on giving…..

    He wants to renew our vows. So…would that be before or after the divorce comes through?!

    I can barely type for laughing!!!!! :D

    • Laney says

      Omg this made me laugh! Been through that vow renewal nonsense…..a couple of years after the first affair (that I knew about…I’m sure it wasn’t the first), and about 6 months before he started being an asshole again. I was such a chump. Should have filed for divorce instead!

  214. Yoder says

    EmmaPemma, this is the funniest one yet!!!!! I always thought that couples renewing their vows, was a lovely reminder of their live together. Now, all I can think is, “I am SO glad we did not do that.”

  215. Laney says

    “It’s just words”. Said with a smirk on his face, when confronted about why he was trash talking me in a string of sexual texts to some woman he says he “just met at work”.

    “Yes, I’m guilty of having an affair on you. But it only happened once”. Then two weeks later I found the credit card statement he’d hidden showing the 5 times in one month it happened, and he accused me of not trusting him when confronted with the bill. Ya think?

    “I don’t know when you think I would have time for an affair. I’m always at work to provide for you and the kids”. Ha! That’s not what the paycheck shows.

    I could go on but I feel more and more like a chump as I remember the stupid shit he says.

  216. says

    “You where a great wife and mother, but you weren’t thin enough”. (I was a size 10, at 5’6- the same size I was when we met and married.) Also at the time he cheating, I was a size 6 and prepping for air assault school with the army, running at least 5 miles a day and was quite the head turner. He admits to a heavy pornography addiction and says I can’t compare to the girls or variety of Internet porn.

    Months later: “I want to save our marriage but I have to have sex with younger & thinner women” (I was 27).

    Months later: He admits to a decade long child pornography addiction and destroys the hard drives that confirmed it. His excuse “it’s not like I was hurting anyone, I just looked”. Cue nausea.

    Screw them! I started going to the gym with an old army buddy, reconnected with old friends and reported his ass (depite having no evidence aside from my journals). i doubt the karma bus will get him anytime soon since he is so careful to maintain his image. I’m hoping he’ll sign over rights to the kids at this point though since he neglects to call them or show for supervised visits. Who I thought he was is dead to me and I want nothing to do with the monster that was lurking underneath. It took awhile but I finally gave up on the fantasy of him that he helped me build in my mind and realized, it was all a fantasy. Actions will always speak louder than words to me now, and even those are scrutinized.

  217. Rumblekitty says

    * “You’re a very negative person”
    * After finding out about his 8 month long affair, I told him I had a revenge lay the next night. He got up and starting screaming, “This is bullshit! I can’t believe you would do that to me!” He ran downstairs to his man-cave and started throwing beer mugs around. I walked to the landing and said, “Kidding.”
    * “She’s a wonderful woman and I can trust her more than you!” Said in reference to the other woman, who was married with children and left her family for my cheater.
    * “I’m a dick, but I’m not an asshole.”
    * “You never want to watch TV with me.”
    * “I didn’t do this on purpose, it just happened.”
    * “She’s not even hot! She’s got horrible skin and she’s chubby.” Said in reference to OW.
    * “Maybe we can date again after all this is over.”
    * “I would rather put a bullet in my head than ever cheat on you.” Said about a month before I found out.

  218. nicolette14 says

    Him: She was a good friend, good coworker, she was cool.(with smile on his face)
    I started to dig and then he says;
    Him: She was a lying, stalking, crazy whore
    Me: Why didn’t you tell me she was a lying, stalking, crazy whore when I first asked about her
    Him: Because I didn’t know she was gonna turn into a lying, stalking, crazy whore.
    Me: No when I asked you first, you told me she was a good friend/coworker and cool and when I am digging she turned into this? Why didn’t you tell me that when I first asked about her?
    Him: I don’t know and I don’t care what that lying whore says, I never touched her!!
    Me: why would she lie?
    Him: that whore will lie and say we had sex just to break us up
    Me: why would she lie about something like that?
    Him: because I chose you not her
    Me: I didn’t know there was any decision making, why wasn’t I informed about this?
    Him: I meant in her head, in her crazy head I chose you not her and she thought we had something, it was all in her head, there was no decision making.
    Me: Why did you answer all her calls?
    Him: to tell her to stop calling me (one is over 20 minutes long)
    Me: why did you call her back?
    Him: to tell her why did you call me? and to tell her to stop calling me
    Me: why did you meet her outside of work?
    Him: to tell her I wasn’t interested
    Me: so she didn’t get it on the phone many times and at work many times in person, so you had to go tell her in person to tell her you weren’t interested and the kiss happened?
    Him: yes, then I completely ignored her and she kept telling me to stop seeing you and just be with her. And I kept telling her no, I am not interested then she kept saying “your confused, you don’t know what you want” then I said “no I don’t want you, I want her” she just wouldn’t leave me alone.
    Me: how could a married coworker can insist to a man, that you stop seeing me and just be with her, if there was nothing between you?
    Him: I don’t know, she was crazy, it was all in her head.
    Me: Why did you go on the other side of the building to ask her “what, you hate me now, can’t even talk to me now?”
    Him: because we worked together, I didn’t want her to hate me (they didn’t work in the same dept.)
    Me: I thought you were completely ignoring her, you wanted nothing to do with her, she was stalking you yet you didn’t want your stalker to hate you? You didn’t even want to talk to her but you went to your crazy stalker to ask her that?

    This is just a tip of the iceberg!! I can write a fucking book!!

    This guy is a complete loser! His lies are/were unreal and as you can see, when none of what he said made sense, he had the balls to get mad at me for not believing his lies and started to gaslighting me saying, it’s all in your head, your mind is going crazy, there was nothing there, you think you know everything? You don’t know shit!”( boy that’s right, I didn’t know all the other shit)and with each new lie I discovered, he claimed each and every fucking time, now I knew everything, he told me the truth, all of it this time and there was nothing more that I didn’t know about, this went on like this until I had enough and got rid of the worthless piece of shit!!! He will deny, deny, deny and if you have some proof then he will put a new twist to why he was denying and change the story once more again and again. Oh he also had a nerve to tell me the reason he lied and kept lying because he was so afraid of losing me, geez he wasn’t afraid of losing me when he was banging that married bitch, at her or friend’s house or making out for 3 fn years in cars!! I feel sorry for the next chump!! Because he is an expert on gaslighting and the biggest lying, serial cheating sorry excuse for a man that I have ever met!! But I am enjoying my life now, like they say “the best revenge is living good” which I am doing now :)

    PS: Too bad her husband don’t know what a whore she is!

  219. Anxious Chump says

    “I thought the massage parlor was better than having an affair because there wasn’t any emotional attachment.”

    “I know you’re an unhealthy weight, but you’re so hot when you’re this skinny.”

    “I could never please you; the girls at the massage parlor didn’t care about my erectile dysfunction.”

    Passive Aggressive Disordered husband who withheld sex, love and intimacy, gas-lighted, isolated and undermined to the point of you developing agoraphobia with panic and having no support system whatsoever, and emotionally abused you in various other ways for years, while screwing two hookers for the last 6 years (since *before* we were even engaged), and who still -to this moment- refuses to work out a separation, show compassion or stop mind-fucking.

    This site is amazing-thanks for existing, Chump Lady:)

  220. Brittany says

    My boyfriend screwed a hooker in Germany on New Year’s! To which he said: “It wasn’t emotional at all, no kissing. It wasn’t like you and I. I was incredibly drunk. It only lasted about 15 seconds.” LOL. What a gift that last statement was. “It will never happen again. This whole ordeal has shown me how much you really mean to me.” Come to find out he had slept with two other girls prior to the hooker. Once that lovely bit of information was out, he said: “It’s not that right time. I’m not in a position to be in committed relationship right now.” Well no shit Sherlock. And I thought medical school students were supposed to be intelligent… Then of course, the blame shift: “I would have broken up with you anyway because of the arguing. You were sleeping with other people before we were exclusive. I think we can agree that we both made mistakes.” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

    Thanks for all your straight-forward, no bs posts! :)

      • nicolette14 says

        I’ve noticed “it will never happen again” almost always means “it will totally happen again.”
        I second that.

        • says

          In my case “it will never happen again” certainly meant “it will totally happen again”, AND he claimed he didn’t remember the conversation in which he promised it would never happen again, even if he was terribly unhappy w/me. You know, the conversation that convinced me not to leave him after the first time.

          I still can’t wrap my mind around that!

          • nicolette14 says

            same here KarenE, don’t you just love it how they have selective memory? While my fucktard ex was promising me “it will never happen again”, while begging me to give him just another chance and work it out, saying he will do anything, showing remorse AND crying with real tears, he was already fucking some other skank than another after that! That right there I still cant wrap my mind around that either! and to think I fell for that! I just don’t get it, I mean if they want to fuck others why do they waste our time? why is there need for lies? why go all that trouble to keep us in their lives, all the begging, crying etc, just go and fuck whoever you want as a single person and leave us the fuck alone!

  221. Janet says

    For years I have gotten up with my H at 4 AM and made him breakfast sandwich/lunch and coffee as where he worked was inaccessable to food for his 12 hr shift. On cold mornings AFTER I did this I would go out and start his truck for him to warm it up/defrost. One morning he told me I didn’t do this SOON enough. Last time I did it. A Holes

  222. BP says

    “This type of thing just happens in most relationships.”

    “I honestly didn’t feel bad about it because it never felt real.”

    “When you choose to be with someone, you are accepting the possibility that they might find another person who is more compatible.”

    • Jayne says

      “When you choose to be with someone, you are accepting the possibility that they might find another person who is more compatible.”

      NOooooooooo!!!! He really said that!!!! OMG!

      ‘Hey gobshite – when you choose to be with someone, you are accepting the possibility that they might f’ing castrate you if you decide to go find another person who is more compatible’!

      Please note disclaimer – other forms of fantasy revenge violence are available ;-)

  223. nicolette14 says

    mine said, “you were gone 3 weeks out of every 6 months in that 3 years and you have no idea what it did to me!” my reply, “really? poor poor baby, I guess you had no choice but to have a shoulder to cry on huh?” idiot!!

  224. DuskPearl says

    “It wasn’t planned & just happened”

    “we realised we had feelings for eachother”

    The way you reacted escalated this (me accusing him of having an affair after discovering emails to a she bloke co worker who was “just a friend”)

    “I have been unhappy for years” (me, why not leave earlier then, why wait until you found someone? Him “guys are complacent”

    “you don’t believe in psychics”

    “we are like roommates who no longer get on”

    OW feels bad but my H assures her not to feel bad “it’s not you, it’s not BS, it’s me” At least I dont feel inferior to the OW as she looks like a bloke & has the body of a footballer & it goes without saying that she is also ugly on the inside. My H is no oil painting & is not the greatest conversationalist so he took all he could get, but he needed a Harley to entice her!

    When comparing him to his cheating father who he despises “my father cheated on my mother for 7 years” – moving in with the coworker the minute i asked him to move does not constitute as cheating as “nothing happened until he left”!!!

    me – why didnt you say anything, him “I did & you said there is the door” – which is BS

    Oh & his ex cheated on him!

    He is in denial as he does not want to admit that he is no longer the nice guy that everyone thought he was or admit that he has turned in to his father…

    This only happened 2 months ago & still very raw to me. My H & I were together for 12 years & married for 10 & he is the last person one would expect to cheat.

    I think he is going through some type of internal breakdown & the Harley at 43 confirms it!

    On a brighter note, my cousin says she can see him gassing himself in his car one day. Not funny I know…..

  225. Katrina says

    When I asked what he saw in the OW… “She’s a nice kid.” Mind you, the cow he was cheating with is 36 years old and the AssHat was 40 at the time. There is nothing nice about her, nor is he all that bright.

    • TKM says

      Love the “we’re just roommates” comment. I got that too. Along with I can’t be celibate any longer. Dick for brains obviously doesn’t know what the
      word celibate means since we had sex two nights before Dday.

  226. thensome says

    Mine said, “I wouldn’t have had an affair if I was happy in the marriage.”

    Well, many folks are “unhappy” in their marriages and they SAY something about it. They don’t stick their dick in another cause that’s a sure fire way to improve a marriage!

    And when I said I had NO vote or part in his having an affair. He said, “You should meet her. She’s quite a remarkable woman actually.”

    I said, “Yeah remarkable women fuck married men with kids alll the time. That’s amazingly remarkable. She’ll go down in history!”

    Annnnnnnnd I kicked him out.

  227. Jamila says

    I had to hear “every guy cheats”, and then listen to him tell me how a close friend of ours cheats on his wife, and to top it off: “you might as well stay with me cause you know I’m dedicated to you”. This is the guy who gave me an std while I was pregnant.

    • nicolette14 says

      I got the same response! He denied denied and denied until he couldn’t deny anymore, then he said “every men does it!” and “what guy in his right mind would turn down a blowjob in a car?” and he said ” I am loyal to you and only you” huh?!?! how’s that work lol?
      yep my ex also didn’t use any protection either and kept giving me that nasty OW’s recurring yeast infection for 3 fucking years, my doctor and I was baffled and I didn’t know it at the time, but since their last time of having sex, I didn’t have one single yeast infection in 6 years and never had one before in my whole life until he started to having sex with that nasty whore!. man that still pisses me off!! fucking swine!!

  228. mbstone says

    After being in a marriage for 20 years, being told as a stay at home mom and being told that my supposed diamond in the rough was having an affair with his cousin’s wife who ended up pregnant by a third man I was told “I thought she was safe” I made a mistake.” Fucktard your wife is safe! You made a choice!! Divorced 6 years and going back to court on Thursday for contempt of court. Ugh!

  229. EmmaPemma says

    Wow! That is a whole new level in Fuck Up!

    I thought I had read everything on here, but you win for leaving me literally open mouthed!

  230. Stina says

    Another gaslighting gem that I was told too many times:

    “I’m not willing to share my personal life with you right now”.

    (Well, “F – you because you married me. That makes it personal, ass-clown.”)

  231. Janet says

    Your nagging me with all these questions. There is no OW (that’s because she dumped his ass) You always nag me. She is a friend. Your nagging is driving us apart.
    After keeping my mouth shut because I didn’t want to start a useless areguement I just don’t care anymore so if that is nagging so be it. FU

    • nicolette14 says

      I had found his profile on Match and he claimed he opened that account for his brother and was looking to find a woman for his brother, not for himself. However it was his email, his name with all his personal info. Slender, 6 ft tall, divorced and 2 kids and had tattoos. His brother is fat, 5.10, never been married, no kids and no tattoos and he expected me to believe this, then says you trust no one lol!!

      He said he would be transparent from now on and will not hide anything and finally gave me all his passwords to his emails, when I logged on in front of him on each email account they were all empty!! He deleted every email, contacts and any IM contacts and I said “what’s this? these are all empty, there is nothing here, not even one contact?”. His answer “well I had some contacts on email and IM contacts and I had no idea who they were, so I deleted them because I didn’t want you to question who they were because I couldn’t tell you who they were.” RIGHT…So much for being truthful and being transparent lol. Promising no more lies and hiding then gives me his email passwords after he deleted everything…You see what a frustrating mindfuck he was? You cant win with the cheating, gaslighting, deceitful fucktard!

  232. Patsy says

    ‘I never meant to replace you’

    ‘She was just a fantasy’

    ‘If it wasn’t her, it would have been somebody else’

    ‘She meant nothing’

    [two years later]’ I was fond of her’

  233. says

    “My mother worshipped me. All the “other women” worshipped me. You merely adored me when what I really needed was pure worship.”

    Your ex said it, but if he were being honest, that is EXACTLY what my ex would be saying! I guess that was the one time your ex was honest, eh?

  234. TheMuse says

    “All I did was take advantage of an offer.” Then, when exposed and I kicked him out and told him how disgusted I was he cheated on me, “all I did was make a procedural error” (in not telling me he was “in love” with OW and was “going to” leave me).

  235. Natalia says

    I met my husband while he was on tour with his band, with his girlfriend, just after he fucked my friend. I was young and naive, and could not resist the hot guy from the band from abroad. A year after we meet again, same thing, only this time he introduces me to his buddies as his girlfriend. He made me go along to the festival again, only this time, like some little cute scandinavian luxury trophygirl and showed me off to all his friends and bandmates. He was the nicest guy I had ever met, and he made me feel special, like the only girl in the would, and naively I believed that. At the time we were living with the atlantic ocean between us, and I was minor, and my mom would not let me travel to see him, she always had a bad feeling about him, so in the meantime I dated others, he denied everything, but I confessed to talking to others.
    He was heartbroken he said, but looking back, I don’t believe that at all.
    I decided 6 months after confessioning to seeing others, that I would give me and him a shot, and went and visited the guy.
    I was head over heels in love when I came over to him, It was all good, and nice, then he wrote the guy I dated, and he freaked out, he punched me, kicked me, pushed me and said the most horrible things about me ever. “Whore, slut, cumdumbster”

    two weeks after he travels to canada to play a show, forgets his memorycard on the kitchen table, and I mistake the card for mine, puts it in my phone and wham; pictures of him getting his dick sucked off by some whore!! there was other girls as well, and he said ” Oh, you said I could date others” “This would never have happened if you never touched that german kid” “you know I’m prone to do those kinda things” “If you hadn’t been such a gutterslut, none of this would ever have happened”

    Year after I found viagra receipts for when I was home in scandinavia, his viagra bottle empty, condoms in his drawer.

    Cheating?? Yes indeed.

    But I stayed, and after further 6 months, I just found out he’s talking to some girl he met at a show. He cried his eyes out for days when I confronted him with the girl, because I believed the fucker had changed, but no, after spending a grand to go and see him one last time and gather my belonings in his apartment, I have to find out myself that he of course did not dump the bitch. He called her from the homephone more in ten days than him and I spoke the 60 days we were apart. And icing on the cake; I just found out he got checked for STDS back the same time he got the viagra prescribtion when I was back home. I can’t belive how fucking naive and stupid I have been.

    at least I know that he will be miserable, living in filth when I leave next week. I haven’t confronted him about either the phonecalls or the std check-up, I can’t take the truth. I know what it is.

  236. RNE says

    When I questioned him about the woman I saw on a chat app on his phone, “let’s do it one last time before I tell you.”

    I was crying hysterically at the time too. Turns out, she’s a woman he met when he was sent to Guam with the army for a humanitarian mission. She has a bajillion kids and is older than me, plus, according to him, she knows about me and our two sons. Sounds like a winner to me. I hope he moves to Guam to be with her when the divorce is final and stays the hell away from me.

    • EmmaPemma says

      Sweetie, there is no easy way to say this…..

      Have you been checked for HIV? There is a high rate of infection in Guam, so …… you dont need me to spell it out do you?

      I am so sorry to bring this up but you need to protect yourself.

      What an utter cunt he is for doing that to you.

      • RNE says

        No, I just found out about the affair on Sunday and have been running around the last couple of days, getting mine and my kids things ready to leave him. He’s stationed in Hawaii and so, we’re on this island away from family and friends since all of the ones I had here knew about the affair and never told me. I leave for the mainland tomorrow night.

        So now, on top of losing everything, I have to worry about disease. Im def getting checked as soon as I get home. Thank you for letting me know. When am I going to wake up from this nightmare?

  237. Kristine says


    I have a VERY similar experience to the man in the cartoon bellowing about how “her” husband doesn’t care….

    My sex-addicted husband, vowed that he would get serious about “recovery” and STOP “acting out.” INSTEAD, he chose to become head-over-heals-in-love with one more object of his desire, one more SEXUAL affair!

    He delayed, bypassed, excused, etc., etc., providing a “clinical disclosure” to come clean, tell me everything about his sixteen years of sexual/emotional betrayal. He danced around my request for this information for 18 months. Some therapists even supported his delay! Obviously, over all of this time, I insisted that he leave our home until he decided to get serious about stopping his promiscuous exploits.

    BUT, finally, he agreed that he would provide the information, and he arranged to work with a leading national sex addiction therapist to begin this process. As noted, of course, he got side-tracked with this new sexual affair.

    This time, he was not secretive! This time, he sent reports about how she was a fantastic lover, fun, enthusiastic, a blast; and that she was “supportive” of him – a great listener – an incredible woman!

    FINALLY, he told me, “I told her about every single secret sexual infidelity I betrayed you with through our entire marriage.
    SHE now knows more about our marriage than you do! AND she was supportive of me. SHE understood. SHE was very compassionate!’


    Of course, when he then dumped her and moved on to the next woman, she sent him a message stating: “you make me sick to my stomach!”

    • Rally Squirrel says

      That whole “she was supportive of me” thing that cheaters say about their OW — seems to be a common phrase from the Cheater’s Playbook. What is that, really? My then-husband used about four variations of the word “support” when I asked him what his mistress gave him that I didn’t.

      “She supports me.” “She’s always there when I need her.” “She’s so supportive.” “She’s my biggest supporter.”

      Here’s how I would decode that: “She offers a seemingly bottomless supply of kibbles, 24/7, whenever I am in need of a quick fix for this hole in my stunted, hopelessly needy soul. She soothes my recurring sense that there might be something wrong with me. Cuz I don’t want to have to think about that shit.”

      She’s his mommy AND his bedroom freak! Win-win!

      See, early in our relationship, I was the grown-up. I thought he would actually mature in time, but he never did. I’ve always been the grown-up in our 20-year marriage. He REQUIRES a grown-up to operate in life with a sufficient degree of smoothness. And since he is incapable of (and uninterested in) fulfilling the role of grown-up, he needs to fill that spot with someone.

      Anyone will do.

      He and the mistress-now-girlfriend have been carrying on a long-distance relationship for almost four years now. That totally works for him, I think. He gets all her support with none of the day-to-day tedium of real life. As soon as she begins to place ordinary demands on him — you know, like people do in real life? — there’s going to be trouble in paradise.

      • GladIt'sOver says

        I told my ex on a few occasions that what he wanted was a cheerleader, not a wife. He agreed and asked what was wrong with that. For him, the only role of a partner is to endlessly “support” and cheer him on. If there is any sign of real life, if the partner should point out any flaws in his endless crazy schemes, if the partner has needs of her own….. well, then she is a terrible, negative person he has to discard.

  238. Kristine says

    As I read through every single one of your postings here, I want to respond to each one: “ME, TOO!”
    Infections, infections, infections, and entirely confused. I even kept having dreams that my husband was betraying me!
    Terrible dreams. I would wake up feeling angry, sad, hurt, and I would actually think: “why are you so……. insecure?”
    I would tell my husband about these dreams, year after year, and he would say, “Poor babe! Why would you feel so insecure?”

    When I discovered the truth, I was ENRAGED that I had NOT listened to my body, my subconscious mind. My body actually developed an odd, inflammatory response when he first started sexually betraying me. My physicians were entirely confused. They ordered endless tests, put me on very strong drugs, and scratched their heads. NOTHING came up positive, but my immune system was FLARING, desperately, fiercely acting to eliminate toxins! And my dreams. My entire being knew what was happening, and I was so manipulated, I was not listening to every particle of my self WARNING me.

    And every one of the phrases you have posted! Yes! Yes! Yes!

    WHY would any human ever think such statements would make his partner feel better? When I hear, “she doesn’t mean anything to me,” I nearly go insane! SHE DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU BUT YOU ARE WILLING TO BETRAY ME, TO DESTROY OUR MARRIAGE, TO DAMAGE THE CHILDREN, TO LOSE OUR HOME — AND SHE DOESN’T EVEN MEAN ANYTHING???????”

    OR: “It wasn’t about her, not about Elizabeth. IT could have been any woman. Lily or Susan or Ella or Joyce. She was just a body, just any woman that would listen to me!”

    WOW! WHY didn’t you come home and talk to me?????? I have been asking you to do that for 16 years!!!!!!

    WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG HERE? WHY IS THIS SO RAMPANT? SURELY these statistics were not so extreme in the past.
    Technology? WHAT? Stupidity? Lack of human regard? Lack of ability to form attachments?

    It’s all insane. Destructive. Cruel.

    I wonder, often, though, if it has reached such extreme proportions because we allow it – because we permit it. Because some women listen to the crap about how the dude’s wife is “not affectionate,” she doesn’t sexually please him, she is cold, etc., etc., etc..

    Even countless magazine articles about the “affair-proof marriage” — ALL BALONEY! BALONEY! And all, again, focusing blame on the WOMAN for somehow not pleasing the man! First, why would the man then turn away from her and the marriage instead of working to improve the marriage? WHAT is HIS responsibility? I do not even believe that is the issue – EVER!
    He is escaping intimacy, he is escaping responsibility, he is hungering for a fantasy world, and instead of taking steps to create a loving, supportive marriage, he wanders off into ga-ga land.

    I never in a million years even imagined that I would experience such a degrading, ridiculous situation.

    A psychologist I saw when I first discovered the truth made a statement that at the time I thought was absurd. BUT, over the past now nearly two years, I return to his view again and again:

    “BUT YOU WERE A GOOD WIFE! YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER! YOU DID CREATE A WONDERFUL, HEALTHY HOME. YOU HAD A GOOD MARRIAGE! YOU DID EVERYTHING RIGHT! EVERYTHING! You have not reason to question anything you did. Not ever. You are not responsible for your husband. He chose to not participate. That’s his problem! But, now, RUN!”

    • Gaby says

      Kristine, it is as if you wrote my story and my thoughts. This is a sick sick world we are living in. Entitlement is rampant. I am sorry for your loss. And when I see you were writing at 4 am I have to guess you have trouble sleeping. I do too.
      I was married 20 years and thought I had an amazing family and the best man on planet earth. Then out of the blue, almost two years ago too, he said he was leaving, a month later I found about the slut, and then another one, and another one. Of course, he says everything was my fault. His actions are consequences of a troubled marriage. BS. But it has taken me all this time to start standing up and rejecting his stupid arguments and see clearly what your therapist said ( and mine too), that I was a good wife and mom and this wasn’t my fault.
      Anyway, I am here if you ever need to talk. Blessings.

  239. Kristine says

    “I was finally beginning to open up, to be ready for real intimacy, and you’re so angry about my betraying you that I just needed another woman who could listen to my inner self.”

  240. Kristine says

    “Go ahead and leave. You need to go out there and find out that every man cheats on his wife. Every man lies. Every man is abusive. Go ahead. Welcome to the real world!”

  241. Janet says

    Mine completely denied the whole affair after he had told me many specific details about it and asked for a divorce so he could marry her. WTF

  242. Kat says

    When he confessed, I asked him if he was going to break it off with her (it was only 12 hours after I finally got the confirmation he’d been cheating) he said “Well, I guess I have to now…” Then by hour 18 he asked me when was I going to get over it..? I left two weeks later. How did it take 10 years to see what a jackass he was?

  243. George says

    Oh, she answered I honestly don’t remember that, you have much better memory than I do.
    I’m sure that never happened.
    I love you, but I’m not in love with you.
    I was someone else then.

    Her: I’ll never cheat on you.
    Me: Again.
    Her: What?
    Me: You need to finish the sentence – I’ll never cheat on you again.

    From her diary, after it was “over”: “I don’t know what the big deal was, all I wanted was to have a man in my life.”
    On Christmas Day – I did not call him. (so how did his number get on the last-number-dialed?)
    I did not write him that letter. (the one dated 12/25 – Mark, I am so sorry to have called you this morning but I love you so much I just had to hear the sound of your voice…)
    I am not a liar.

  244. NoMoreLies says

    A day after his cheating (years of serial/double/triple life) was discovered, he said “Let’s renew our vows and we can have a fresh start”.

      • Andrea says

        You know, I completely understand. I mean, *I* don’t want to be thought of as a home-wrecker either! Oh, wait. I’m not. ;) Problem solved.

    • EmmaPemma says

      I know someone (not a friend, someone who worked at our local bar) who went all out to get men who were taken, thats how fucked up she was. She got her kicks and self esteem from a man dumping his wife for her, then she would dump him and move on to the next “challenge”.

      She said that she hated that people saw her as a marriage wrecker, she yelled at me and stormed out when I said “Well dont fuck other womens husbands then!”

      She finally seemed to be happy with a man who was free, they got together, lived together and agreed to move abroad. All was good. Then she was back within 2 months and he was stuck there because he had agreed to a 2 year secondment. She was so thrilled that he had loved her enough to do that, even though he hadnt wanted to go in the first place. It proved his love for her apparently, shame she didnt give 2 shiney shites about him. :(

    • Kara says

      Too late for that, ain’t it?

      If she didn’t want to be thought of as home wrecker she probably shouldn’t have fucked a married man.

  245. Andrea says

    Oh, and can I add another stupid thing the OW said?

    Today a mutual friend told me that STBXH and OW had a flaming fight just after New Year’s and he stomped out and they broke up. OW told our mutual friend that she hoped that I wouldn’t go back to him because “he is seriously messed up.”

    Uh huh. Thanks so much for your concern for my welfare, you skank. I know it’s been uppermost in your mind all along.

    (And no, I won’t…but not because YOU advised me not to, you damn bitch. I’m listening to my friends on CL!)

  246. Andrea says

    “I’m a better man when I’m with her.”

    No, dear. When you are with her, you are a cheating adulterous lying deceitful man. Which you never were before. Well, maybe, but not so obviously. And now you always will be.

  247. SAChump says

    “I never talked to her (the OW) about you, out of respect”

    “We didn´t have a relationship (with OW after a year of cheating) because there was no view of the future”

    “She (the OW) is suffering too”

    “She (the OW) suddenly arrived in my life (like she fell from heaven) could have happened to you…”

    “I wrote those erotic poems for you (during years of a sexless marriage)!”

    • Laura says

      I got the opposite of this. I got, “I talked to her about you and the kids and how much I love and care about you.” Hahahaha! Really!

  248. says

    Me at lunch to my X after observing him jacking off to porn 6 feet away from me in our bedroom (far from the first time) when he thought I was still sleeping: “Why were you jacking off to porn again?”
    X: “I wasn’t jacking off to porn.”
    Me: “Then what were you doing with your penis in your hand when you were sitting in front of the computer with the sound off watching YouPorn?
    X: (angrily) “I feel like I am being stalked!”

    How the hell is observing what is happening less than 6 feet away from you in your own bedroom ‘stalking’? smh

  249. Free2b1 says

    During false reconcilliation # 2,(my husband to me)…”How long am I going to have to eat this shit sandwich?”

  250. Lilac says

    When I found cialys pills with seven missing, he told me that he had no idea how they got there. Then he remembered that they came as a free sample with another medication. He cannot figure out why some are gone. He must have given them to someone but he cannot remember. It was fun to watch him sputter.

    • Kara says

      Well golly! Don’t ya know if he didn’t do it, Biff the schoolyard bully would cream him and he’d be called a chicken? Then no one would pick him for kickball and he’d have to eat lunch with the chess club nerds!

  251. Janet says