I am writing on behalf of us unicorns. We exist, those people who reconcile (who you say are as rare as unicorns). Look, you were with a serial cheater, but that’s not all cheaters. Clearly you have Issues. Yeah, people are broken, they fuck up, but you move on. Cheaters are not always doing all this Machievelian manipulation, scheming, and cake eating. Yes, cheating sucks, but you can overcome it.
Leave a cheater, gain a life? Why don’t you get a life — instead of bashing reconciliation. How can you be down on reconciliation when you haven’t tried it? You say you’re happily remarried, but yet you devote all this time and energy to a blog about your cheating ex. Get over it!
Sparkles the Unicorn
Where to begin, Sparkles? For starters, I don’t need to blog about my ex. There’s a glowing profile about him over at Cheaterville posted by some other woman he cheated on after I divorced him.
The name of this blog is Chump Lady. Not Omnipotent Lady. Or Smug Lady. It’s CHUMP Lady. My experience and perspective comes from being played, from learning things from Chumpdom. I haven’t posted my story here (yet), so you have no idea whether or not I tried reconciling. I did try it — for over a year. But because it was not a “successful” reconciliation (I divorced him, as he just took his affair underground), you presume I don’t know about reconciliation.
You’re dismissive of my perspective because my ex was a serial cheater — a baddie, as compared to the more benign sorts of cheaters. I suppose those are the confused, mid-life crisis sort, or the “I accidentally fucked someone at a conference” sort. The better caliber of cheaters who are sorry and do the homework after they’ve been found out.
I’m not against reconciliation in theory (I live in hope of unicorn sightings) — I just think the odds of having a truly successful one are slim.
Let’s define “successful reconciliation.” I apparently didn’t have one, so I can’t judge it. But who’s to say it wasn’t successful by your standards? He fell off the wagon, but a lot of people work with that and stay. After a year of more cheating, I threw in the towel. But I’m sure a lot of “successful” reconciliations are from people who hung in there and endured.
But no, to be successful, you’d have endure and be closer. How likely is that if one or more of the following happens: Someone got pregnant. They blame shifted this crap to you. They said that they had “needs” that went unmet. They continued to lie. They gaslighted you. They didn’t immediately end it. It was a long-term affair. It was an affair with a best friend/coworker/family member. There was other addiction involved. You got an STD for life. Your children walked in/read the emails/need therapy. The affair partner is bat shit crazy and harasses you. They refuse to answers questions about what they did. They’re not transparent. They still work with the affair partner. They resent that you remember what they did and that you require reassurances. There’s reminders, like they slept in your bed, your house, your car. You had to threaten them with divorce to get them to commit to you.
So that leaves what? A one-night stand that someone immediately confessed to and wasn’t emotionally invested in. That’s not a lot of cheaters.
At the end of the day, reconciliation with one or more of those challenges is a relationship that is predicated on amnesia. I believe you that you are together, that your marriage endures, that you feel pretty okay most days. I do not believe that your relationship is happier or better for it. No one eats that many shit sandwiches and is better for it. So, at best Sparkles, you have an okay marriage, not a better one. It’s cracked. You’re drinking life out of a dribble glass instead of a full cup. And I’m not convinced that you aren’t mythical. Sorry.