Why Do Cheaters Get Married?
For people who purportedly don’t like monogamy, it’s baffling why do cheaters get married? All the better to use you, my dear.
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Dear Chump Lady,
Why do serial cheaters get married? I really don’t understand this. I’ve been married four years and recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me with the same “ex-girlfriend” off and on since we met. I suspect now there were others too. And no, I had NO idea. (And yes, I feel like the biggest idiot ever.)
What I can’t puzzle out is, in this brave new world of Google and Craigslist — couldn’t he have found another swinger? Someone okay with open marriage? Isn’t there yet a dating site devoted to the polyamorous? He clearly knows he can’t be monogomous. Hell, why not marry the girlfriend? She’s clearly okay with being a side dish fuck.
Why did he MARRY ME?
What does marriage mean to someone like him? What was the point?!
Signed,
This Sucks
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Dear Sucks,
Because you are of USE to him.
That’s pretty much it. I puzzled on that a long time too. My ex-husband was cheating from Day 1 as well.
Serial cheaters like your husband and my ex like cake. They like deceit. It makes them feel powerful. As you said, it’s a big world with Google — they could find a fellow swinger to forge an “understanding” with. They could stay single. But no, they CHOOSE to marry someone, feign monogamy, and fuck around.
It’s the power imbalance that they’re after
Only THEY can fuck around — not you. You get to be in the dark. They like it like that.
Meanwhile, you jump through hoops to please them and never quite get more than a C+ for your efforts — work harder! But they need you to be the Respectable Face of Marriage. You are of use. You make them look good. Maybe you’ve got money, good looks, connections. Whatever. You’ve got something they need. People like this need to appear normal so they can dupe other people. They get a high from deceit. And to deceive people you need concealment. Hey, Bob’s married. Bob must be normal. His wife is sooo nice. Ergo Bob must be nice. (Codependents who marry guys like Bob tend to be very nice. Bobs pick nice. Nice makes a good mark.)
Cake eating, serial cheaters think they deserve all the ego kibbles they want. Because they believe they are better than you. More deserving. More kibbles for them! None for you!
Please dump this guy if you haven’t already and find a fellow nice person. It’s the best way, in my opinion, of detoxing yourself from the Bobs of this world. Find a Paul. A nice man, for whom monogamy and devotion is not a 12-step program. Who reciprocates. Who is authentic. Pauls are not as sparkly as Bobs. But that’s a good thing.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Four years of your life is a lot to lose to an idiot. You know, Tennessee Williams always took four years off his age for the four years he worked in a shoe factory before he became a famous playwright. Consider Bob your shoe factory and subtract.
Chump Lady,
Great response. I also read your posting’s from HS site. Keep up your good work
Thanks LeanJedi! Yeah, I’ll be tackling the whole MLC thing next on this blog. Stay tuned. 🙂
I wasted over 20+ years with a rotten “Serial Cheater”. I was presented solid evidence that he was cheating with his student assistant 2 months before we got married. And like a fool, I chose to ignore the information. A few months after we were married, I found a pile of letters from this “college student” expressing her relief that she “was not pregnant, after all.” (my stupid ex-husband kept all of her “love letters” as trophies). When I caught him cheating for the 2nd time , in 2010, this time with a married woman and mother of 4 sons, I divorced his sorry __ss. (the fool had actually downloaded pictures of him and his married mistress vacationing together on his workplace laptop) I beat myself up for several months for enabling and enduring this idiot. He used our marriage as a shield. He wanted to appear to be a “good, faithful and loving father”. When in reality he was a porn addicted, Craiglist surfing, scumbag liar. It’s a wonder I didn’t contract some deadly STD that would have left our child “motherless”. (After our divorce, I discovered that he had at least 4 more sexual affairs- I’m positive that there were many more) I thank God “every day” that I survived such an abomination of a marriage. To this day, I have no idea why this man asked me to marry him or why he chose to lead a “double life”. He should have just remained single, so that he could live an authentic life. He sure as hell “didn’t do me any favors” by becoming my husband.
I’m so sorry this happened to you! It helped me a lot to realize that some people are flaming personality disorders and serial cheaters have an empathy deficit. Go read my interview with Dr. George Simon on “character disturbance” and check out his blog (linked there) on manipulative people. It’s horrible to realize you’ve lived in some Matrix reality, unclear on what was real and what wasn’t real during your marriage. Just conclude — you brought your A game. He wasn’t authentic, and that’s on HIM. And go reconstitute your life, and thank GOD you didn’t waste any more time with that asshole.
so glad i found this site.. im having problems again with my husband.. we separated a few times before due to his verbal abuse and cheating. i give him this last chance (like a dummy) and as i am typing right now he is with his mistress on vacation!!!! just found out which deep down i figured but have solid proof. wish it was a picture of them together but just stated those two are in arizona together. i thought you have got to be kidding me!!!!!! i feel like a fool and feel so bad for my kids cause here we go again! i just dont understand? i have stood by this guy through everything, also why do they treat the wife like crap but their mistresses like queens? makes me realize did this guy ever loved me? i quite my job cause he sold my car so i had to quite.. now i get yelled at for not having a job and i have no ambition in life?what the heck does that even mean lol? oh because this woman has a house and a business?… before we first separated i made decent money. he made more then me cause he did construction i tried to get him to buy a house and we could afford to but he wouldn’t that’s because he had a girlfriend. we opened up a business heck put in my name, i worked in it. later he gave it up and put me in debt. i tried but he wouldn’t. but now i am the bad guy cause i don’t have a job. but i stay home and take care the kids, i clean the house, mow the lawn, drive kids to school (had no bus service that’s why i drove), oh he hurt his back and was off of work for a few months, i waited on him hand and foot, rubbed his back, legs, helped him bath in tub,brought him food on a tray and this is how he feels about me. i just don’t get why he wasted my time if he wasn’t happy?
Dear Chump Lady,
You are the first person to even touch on the subject of the cheater keeping you trapped by using finances. I am in that situation. I am handicapped and on a limited income with limited ways to earn money. I had perfect credit when we first got together. AT times he was making lots of money and instead of paying off my house as promised he bought cars and sent money to his family. At first I felt hurt because I knew I wasn’t number one with him but reading your blog today helped me put that feeling and knowing I am financially trapped (he has me in debt) together. I have a plan to get out but I plan on being half way out of debt when I do. Thank you. “jane”
Hey Jane, go see a lawyer. It’s WONDERFUL that you have a plan, but you need to protect yourself legally and know in the case of divorce how much of the assets and the debts you would be entitled to. If he is this financially self destructive, I would get out sooner rather than later. Whatever you do to undo your financial burdens, he could reverse with his selfish spending. Abusers do try and keep you financially dependent.
Cheaters often hide their spending (deceit being a lifestyle choice). Go to http://www.freecreditreport.com and see if you can’t get his credit report. It will show you addresses, PO boxes, all credit cards and balances, etc. You will have to answer some identifying questions that hopefully you can answer. But you need to know what you’re dealing with. A lawyer can also help with this. You may be entitled to spousal support and insurance in a settlement.
I can tell you this from personal experience — it is MUCH better to captain your own ship. My ex-husband serial cheater was a very well paid professional and he spent everything. I made very little salary, but was careful with my income. When I left him, I had a LOT more disposable income and I didn’t feel the stress from his money chaos.
Take control and stay strong! Thanks for writing!
This was my biggest question with my now ex-husband. He pushed for us to get married. He seemed smitten. He was a “good” guy and I was the ‘lucky’ one because he was the perfect husband, straightforward, honest, hardworking, a good father. But all along he was screwing around on me, dragged me into the ‘swinging’ life of which I still have PTSD over and then when I refused to participate any more, kept right on with it.
I just kept asking him ‘why did you even marry me?’ it didn’t make sense. He could have stayed single (we were both on second marriages with grown children – families done) but then I finally came to the realization of what you just said in your answer. He wanted to appear normal – he needed me so he wasn’t just some creepy perv single guy that couldn’t get a woman but instead a misunderstood unloved married man. Before we were even divorced finally, he’d already found another normal nice unsuspecting woman to be his girlfriend. I just don’t understand any of this but I am happy it’s all over
Agie, I’m sorry that happened to you. But you sound clear headed and strong, and I’m so glad you’re out of that nightmare. It helped me to read about “character disorders” — check out the works of George Simon (books are linked in right hand corner) and the interview I did with him here on this blog. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Thanks! it hasn’t been easy – I moved 800 miles away immediately when I found out but I had to completely rebuild my life. It was definitely a life-changing event. And the further out I am from it, the more I realize how my seemingly loving secure marriage was actually me losing myself within the ‘protection’ of my husband. I do have to say he actually just told me a month ago that I would never have to worry about anything – money or whatever because he would always protect me. ha ha
but it’s been two years now and I am happier than I ever was with him despite our ‘perfect’ marriage.
Another reason cheaters get married is so someone will take care of them — do their laundry, cook them meals, clean their house, raise their kids, mop their brow when they’re sick, and deal with the boring stuff like bills and repairs and shopping. A wife really does give a cheater stability. Plus, as mentioned, she makes him look “normal.”
Moretoit, you’re right. There is the whole unpaid house staff element. Of course, women cheat too, and for guys it’s probably being a paycheck (and domestic servant). Should add women are taken advantage of for their paychecks too. Ugh, sometimes I think the world divides into users and givers.
You say “unpaid house staff,” I say surrogate mommy — because, unlike staff, mama coos over them, cares about them, cries for them, caresses them, and they get to suckle her and even have grown-up sex and real children with her because they’re such big boys!
And they can go out and play and have “sword fights” with nasty girls as well as with schoolyard/workplace competitors, precisely BECAUSE they know she’s at home, waiting with home-made cookies or tiramisu, happy just to make them happy when they’re done exploring for the day. They NEED to have her at home, waiting to tuck them into bed on nice, clean sheets and promise them that they’re safe from monsters and tell them they are truly loved.
Ick. Insightfully ick. But… ick.
Hmmm. Kind of sums up my cheater ex. He had major mommy issues.
Look, I think anytime you have a parent/child dynamic in a relationship (it goes both ways) it’s really, really unhealthy. The whole “you’re not the boss of me” …. now take care of me!!! mindfuck. That alone is reason to call in the therapists or the divorce lawyers.
Well said regarding the mindfuck comment! To the point. Husband of 30 years does this along with the financial fuck.
My brother in-law has always for as long as I a have known him (22yrs) been a lier and cheater. He will lie when it does not matter. He cheated on his first wife with countless people everyday for the 5 years he was with her before they got married and everyday after. They lasted 6 mo when she found out and left. He married the woman he was with when the first one left him and he has cheated on her much of their marriage by having inapproperate conversations with old flames in his home town on the phone and most recently he set up a second home with a single mom in a town he was working in away from home. I think he is controling, always wants others to feel sorry for him and bad mouths his wife so people think she is worse. I know there are new studies out with a disorder that discribes him to a T exept for the part about being mistreated. His parents were the best two people on earth and all his other sibblings turned out fine. He was always a trouble maker and his parents would hold him accountable. He even got kicked out of school for poor behavior. So if he was critised too much it was his fault. He thinks nothing is his fault. So I think blaming parents is a bit much. Maybe there are better parenting methods but how is one supposed to know how to handle an child that is constantly out of control.
He sounds like a sociopath, no joke. At the very least a personality disorder. There’s some emerging science that people are wired this way. Check out the New York Times story about psychopaths (sociopaths) as children http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/13/magazine/can-you-call-a-9-year-old-a-psychopath.html?pagewanted=all
In Robert Hare’s book on them he says one way to spot them (and they’re hard to spot at first) is that they want self pity. They aren’t overtly aggressive, they want people to be sucked in and feel sorry for them. It’s all a game.
That NYX article talks about “callous, unemotional” traits as being hereditary. On Dr. George Simon’s blog http://www.manipulative-people.com he describes most “character disordered” people as being on a continuum, but only the minority (sociopaths) are really beyond the beyonds.
Obviously, I don’t think all cheaters are sociopaths — but I think most sociopaths are cheaters.
I’m sorry this guy is in your orbit. I’d steer clear of him. How sad for your in-laws.
That isn’t the only reason. Once in a while a serial cheater will run into a woman that they think is too good for them. They will then Manipulate, control, and Dominate them. When he meets a woman that constantly challenges him, he will want to keep her all to himself. He will straighten out for a while and 1-2yrs or however long it takes for him to marry you. After that, he becomes obsessed with finding more ways to control you–having kids, not letting you work, putting you in school to keep you busy–and get some on the side. My ex and I would “Mind-F” each other. He would do everything to make me happy while trying to control me at the same time. He couldn’t stand the thought of another man EVER touching me and became possessive. Didn’t stop him from cheating. He went to therapy but you can’t change someone that doesn’t want to. He was a Narcissistic Serial Cheater and it is VERY rare to make this type EVER commit–successful, handsome, in great shape, and very loving. They are cautious because a divorce is the ultimate failure and they will fight tooth and nail for you–even shape up for a while; however, their true mistress is the game. He would flat out tell girls he would not commit nor would he ever get married before he met me.
He constantly wants me back but I no longer want him and his lies.
7 yrs it took me to find out my “nice guy” husband is a narcissistic control freak. Used me as a vessel to continue his legacy by having a son because he was getting into his late thirties and I was in my early twenties. He stuck around just long enough for our boy to get passed the infancy stage then found a different woman the second time w/o kids. First chic he left me for had a daughter b4 I took him back and we got pregnant. He hid my birth control. I thought it was cute. The control started after I moved in. Had my own business and lived by myself for 3 yrs previous. He had me quit my business to support his business. Thought it was a family effort and my time would come once he was successful. Nope. He discouraged me from going back to school. He put down my interests in gardening and jewellery making since I needed a hobby for relief from being a stay at home mom and business owner. He started to put down my friends, my clothes, my political interests, the way I parented, my ability to educate myself thru research. He started to view me as threat and wanted to keep me 21 forever. He trampled my independence and viewed his freedom as something that was untouchable. If I had any requests for spending time w family or wanting some alone time he called me selfish. I gave him all the freedom in the world. He frequently went on vacations without me. He viewed all of what was important to me as an inconvenience. He even made me keep my dog only in the back laundry room next to the recycling and litter box cause he did not want his house ruined even though i cleaned up the cat box and cat pee all over the house from his cats he never took care of. He pushed my psychological buttons to make me react and seem “crazy.” Wow. Thank God he cheated again. I would’ve kept looking passed who he really was!
Domination and control are definitely part of it. I’m so glad you got the hell away from your serial cheater!
I wish I had the courage that you ladies have to leave. Every time I even think of leaving fear of failure stops me in my tracks. Without the support of family and reliable friends I fear not being able to support myself and children once I leave. Even though I have a job it’s comforting knowing that if I fall short on something he can help. Our relationship has never been what people would call healthy. But when you are a single mother of four with little or no help, you tend to bend the rules a little on what you are willing to except or not. Now after 14 years in this relationship 8 of the years married. He has fathered 6 children outside of our relationship. I just exist in constant contempt and shame. At this point he just outright tells me he is never going to change and he knows I am not going anywhere. So I should get over it.
Tiny,
I just want to say I understand your fears but you are valuable, you are worthy of having a good life either by yourself with your children or with a good man. You do not have to put up with that man. My suggestion is to somehow or another find a good counselor who will help you step by step gain the strength to see how beautiful and strong you are and gain your life back. The feeling of accomplishment and the feeling of relief and freedom when you finally leave a toxic relationship is simply amazing.
Good luck.
Agie
Thank you for your advice Angi. I have been thinking about looking for a counselor for a while now. It may just be what I need to move forward. The feeling of relief and peace you referred to is something that I want badly.
Tiny.
you can do it! And if finances are an objective..there are always counselors out there who will provide low-cost sessions but find a really good one who will tell you like it is and then help you move forward. I actually had one counselor offer her services free to me because she wanted to help me so badly. And then make a plan. Journaling helps, just write out all your fears and your strengths and start building on your strengths while dissolving your fears. And meditation saved my life.
I have the utmost faith in you and your ability to create a new wonderful life for you and your children.
Agie
Agie. Thank you for your much need words of encouragement.
Tiny
Cake, cake, cake! Being married and cheating is just about the perfect way to have LOTS of great cake! The wifey at home who is taking care of you, your kids, your house, who’s so caring, keeps trying to figure out your fuckedupedness to help you be happier, who gives you lots of great sex, who has given up trying to demand much, because it either just doesn’t work or creates rage ….. And then the popsy on the side; the novelty, the chase, the thrill of the forbidden, the admiration in her eyes (because she doesn’t actually know you, and you LOOK great!). Frankly, it’s perfect! If you had no empathy and no concerns about what your actions did to others (like your kids, for example, never mind your wifey or even the popsy), wouldn’t this be just great!
I just found out that the man I had been seeing actually got married while we were together. He started dating me in Jan of 2011, told me he was single, got married in May, came back from his honeymoon and continued the relationship with me until the end of 2011 when he moved to DC because he apparently got a new job and “just had to take it”.
Since then, we have been in touch and “trying” to figure out the long distance thing to see if we could make it work. I even went down there a few times to visit him. Little did I know that he moved to DC to be with his new wife who he had been dating for years on and off and doing the long distance thing. He told me she was a “psycho” and then he couldn’t take it anymore so they broke up! I only found out about the wedding because someone anonomously sent me pictures of his wedding day. He even told me all about the trip he took to the Caribbean because his best friend was getting married, only it turned out to be him!
What kind of sick human being would have a relationship with two women and get married and profess to commit to her while cheating on her at the same time with another woman who is completely oblivious???? I am really really trying to understand this sort of mentality but it is completely foreign to me. My head is spinning when I think of all the very well orchestrated lies this man told….
I don’t know whether to tell her or just hope that Karma works its magic. He is completely out of my life now, but I feel so sorry for her. I wonder if she knows she’s married to a serial liar and cheat! I don’t know if I want that sort of drama on my doorstep either. He knows that I know what he’s been up to, so I think he will steer clear of my from now on.
Should I just let go and move on?
Any advice would be much appreciated!
Hi Sara,
I just read your post, and almost couldn’t believe what I was seeing! Your story is so much like mine, I would have asked you his name, but the timing is a few months off.
I too was involved with someone for a very long time, and found out that he married someone else in the midst of it. He also told me he had to move to DC for work, when really he was moving in with the wife, when he was getting married, he told me that he was taking a quick trip to NH to visit his brother, and I spoke to him the whole time he was there, and continued seeing him right after the marraige and on.
I randomly found out about the wife, and lost my mind for a while and kept seeing him.
Like you the detail and story behind his lies were incredible. I will never in my life know how he kept everything straight.
But my question is, did you tell his wife? And how did it turn out?
I am very curious as our stories are SO similar.
Tell her. She deserves to know what she married. I was that woman once (and thus this blog).
I’m sorry that happened to you — there are disordered wingnuts out there. Thank God you didn’t get in any deeper with him. That other poor woman did.
thank you, I think I will do just that. She may not believe it, but at least the seed of doubt has been planted (she’s been with him for years off and on, so it probably is already there).
thanks so much for this site, makes me feel like I’m not losing my mind dealing with this sort of scum!!!
Great advice! Minus 4 years 🙂
I’m nearing my 66th Birthday, and found out fairly recently that I married a pathological liar who is also a serial cheater. We’ve been together 48 years, and the revelations sent me over the edge and I tried to commit suicide. I have three adult daughters and many granddaughters who were also blind sided by my husbands revelations. I won’t go into the details of how bit by bit I’ve been finding out as much as I’m ever going to find out about my husbands cheating. I do know he would have unsafe sex with any whore that he met at bars, and I strongly suspect he infected me with an STD as I developed PID and had to have a total hysterectomy followed by an oophorectomy. I was a complete internal mess, bleeding, inflamed and the doc put me us both on a strong dose of antibiotics just prior as I also developed my first UTI. His behaviour was abhorrent during one of his affairs with a girl barely older than our oldest daughter, as he had been a few times when we were dating. I just couldn’t understand why he was behaving in such a manner, and put it down to wedding chitters, and later work related stress. Although I had no idea of his cheating ways, as his behaviour was not on, I did threaten him with Divorce, and that worked for a while. He was also a Charmer, and Charmed the socks off of anyone he ever met. Well Karma gave it to him good and proper as he’s had a Stroke, and would you believe it’s altered his personality. Now he’s a confused s.o.b. and see’s himself for what he is ‘A Total Bastard who Failed his Wife and to a certain extent his daughters, and granddaughters. Yes he’s in therapy, and I’ll probably stay with him as I’m not a well person due to Auto-Immune diseases, and oh what joy, not, he’s my official Carer. I believe the stress my husband put me through over the years brought on my Chronic illnesses. If I’d known all those years ago what was really going on with my husband I would have kicked his sorry ass to the floor and shoved him out the door. Still better late than never, now I have control, I have the cards to deal and my husband knows it. He no longer lords it over me. Now it’s my turn to make sure my husband does all he can, and then some, to make any kind of amends for taking my life, my choices away from me. I could kick him out tomorrow and keep our home, yes I’ve checked out my legal position. My husband defrauded me out of my life by taking away my choices and breaking our Marriage Contract. He’s still a Pathological Liar, but I’m aware of every little slip up. I have a plan in hand, but to be honest now It’s My Turn To Use My Husband to do my bidding. Revenge, Vendetta, Eye for an Eye, call it what you will. It’s Justice, pay back, nothing more, and certainly what my husband brought upon himself. I’m of Sicillian blood, and we love a good Vendetta, lol. A Psych warned my husband that I would make his life hell, and I’ve not disappointed the Psych 🙂 Still I have to admit that I’ve punished my husband enough, and now, well he’s learnt that all his fooling around has also cost him dearly in as much as he’s lost a lot of respect from a lot of people, and he’s now a broken man. Time to bury the Hatchet, and move on with what we have left of our lives. People if the one you meet, who you instantly fall in love with, seems too good to be true, he/she probably is!
ugh..I am so out of energy form deceptions .. so many, too many to even begin… current events are revealed – long time relationship he calls ‘friend’ I found on his phone he left open and forgot… then told me he just opened the email acct a few days ago… ? with old emails from last year? slams me on all points to this ___________ then tells me he emailed her and told her how all is well… but the only emails he saved are the slamming one and the one where she is fondly thanking him for the pictures of his grandchildren… What a dishonor to his daughter who went through the same crap with her mother – his first slaughter. There is so much, too much – Thank You for this site… I really need a plan.
Hello,
I am in my late 20s, it is the first time i ever fell in love with this man who was smitten by me. HE said he loved me to death, and everything was magical and great during our first 2 years, he would do anything for me, and never committed to any woman before me, he did not even want to call them “girlfriends”, but he proposed and wanted to marry me and I said Yes, i felt very unique and special. I fell so hard for him, he believes that he is the center of my world. 2 months later, after proposing, i found out that he started openly flirting with another woman (complementing her about her looks, boobs…), I felt betrayed and confronted him, he apologized and we went to counseling, and we eventually moved on making me believe that it is just that he likes attention. Few more months after the first incident, he started becoming very distant, irritated when i tell him that I loved him, and basically seemed as if he did not want to spend any time with me, I tried (and I regret) pulling him back on and gaining back his attention, which never worked, he would spend hours talking to 1 specific woman claiming she is his friend and that he can relate with her on things better than he relates with me. No surprise, he ended up cheating on me for the second time with another woman. This time, after feeling miserable and emotionally drained, i decided to break up and move on, it hurt, but I decided to do it anyways because I felt humiliated. Few months later, after he saw pictures of me moving on and being happy and that he is not the center of my life anymore, he begged, cried, apologized, got a tattoo of my name, and asked me back. Unfortunately, I should have listened to everyone around me warning me that “once a cheater, always a cheater” because, few weeks after we got back, he cheated on me for the 3rd time, and hid it , and wanted to stay with me. I was devastated, I blamed myself for getting back with him, the pain was worse. but i never understand: Why does he still want to marry me and say that I am the woman of his life and still run after any girl who shows him a little attention? Why do men chase you and try to make you fall for them, and when you do, they lose interest? This has made it really hard for me to open my heart to this new very nice guy, tat I have known for many years, and who i completely trust. I don’t feel excited about any man anymore, my ex ruined the relationship excitement I always had 🙁 I just want to get that back. Any advice/opinion/help would be appreciated!
Move on for good! No more contact with this guy. He is a vampire trying to stuck the life out of you. Spend a little time by yourself, pampering yourself, travel, work out, do something you love our have put off doing. The excitement for life will return!
We share similar experiences, when this guy couldn’t control me, he accused me of being too masculine, too independent. To add more fuel to the fire, his family was in on it as well. A cruel and sorry bunch the entire lot, but you know what? I’m a good woman, attractive and I’ve got plenty of life to live. I am free and enjoying my freedom. Even though I was in a horrible marriage, I still managed to have some wonderful highs….. And he hated the spotlight being taken off him. GOD is still good and still with me, even though I was married to a jerk. I don’t regret being a good person. His loss and he knows it.
A true commitment phobic will find the smallest dumbest shit to pick you apart over to create distance and prove to himself why you’re not “the one.” Feel sorry for a lost person like this. Their “grass is greener” syndrome will catch up to them and they will suffer their own demise.
I am recently divorced. My wife cheated on me the whole marriage, of 23 years. Did i know this? “NO”. Alot of what i read here , i can relate to.. I loved this person and trusted her with everything in my life.. Only to see her now for what she is, a serial cheater. She took advantage of me and my two children, and our innocence. Still to this day, my children are confused and believing her lies. She has put a personal protection order on me to keep me away from the kids. 15 years ago there was a problem, like she lost her mind. kids were very young and i had no idea what her problem was but was trying to fix whatever it was. But it got better after a 4 month separation. I was so happy to be back with my kids. But nothing really change as the years rolled on, and she just got better at hiding her problem. Now a year has gone bye. With her and my kids living with another man and cheater who is getting divorced. The divorce now final. She will not receive anything. No alimony, no child support, no pension, no 401k and the creed closed. The only thing i am missing is MY kids…………. I HATE CHEATERS.
Dear Lady
I had a boyfriend for 12 years and i did everything i could for him and was faithful and this guy did everything what he could to destroy me… he was violent and stayed in my room in Mysore and had several one night stands, had sex with a married woman and kept it hidden and meanwhile i was working in different city and was with him from the heart……….. he demanded marriage after all this he put me through and when i said i needed to see him come clean, he stopped talking and within months he found an ifs officer and got married…………. 12 years gone puff …….. i feel like the greatest idiot on earth and pains a lot for i trusted a jerk and stayed for 12 years who did not think of me before signing the papers or having sex with another woman……… i find it hard …..await your reply ……. Anonymous
Finally an explanation I can understand. This fits my cheating husband to a tee! When I met him, he had nothing…not even electricity in his deceased grandmother’s house he was living in. I thought he was a good man just down on his luck. He convinced me that I was everything he’d ever wanted and needed. Ten years later, I catch him having an affair with a woman whom, I found out later, was the same woman he cheated with on his first two wives! All 300lbs of her…with a colostomy bag! He made it very clear, several times, during our marriage that he would NEVER cheat on me, hmmm. He kept this affair on my hidden for 15 months. Here’s the scoop…I own the home…I own the business… I have been paying his child support for 11 years. Boy, do I feel stupid. He’s sure sorry now that he got caught. Of course he states he remembers nothing about the affair and can’t come up with any reason why he did it. Our marriage was ideal. We never, that’s right, never argue or fight…until now. He is a lier and a cheater, yes i have discovered more than just one woman, I just never knew it. Letting it all soak in and getting prepared to bolt.
I could have written half the posts on here! After 2 years of just knowing things “felt off” and confronting my ASS of a husband over and over again and sitting there sucking up his lie after lie of “I would NEVER EVER cheat on you! I LOVE you!” F-ing lying BASTARD! Because my lame-ass husband is smart, but not smart enough,to delete his browsing history, I FINALLY caught him this past Sunday!!!!!! His computer was filled with porn sites and dating sites and HouseWife Hook-up.com sites. I confronted his sorry ass…and as expected TOTAL DENIALS!! Right there! In front of his face! Over the course of the day it went from a life-long porn addiction to daily jacking-off to a 24-hour profile on dating site. The next day I said “If you’re willing to do all that, then you’re willing to cross the next line. So how many f-ing times have you cheated on me?” It took 10 minutes of threats…and we were at 3 times (with couples he met on Craig’s List while he watched them have sex and he jacked-off in his hotel room on a business trip.). Riiiiiiiiiiight! Oh! Then he remembered another time. Except that the dates are all “fuzzy” and he can’t remember. I kicked his sorry ass out of the house the day I found out! I have since been scouring his pc, took his phone and iPad..a day later, and golly gee whiz? They’re all scrubbed clean! Imagine that! Married 17 years with 3 kids (13, 12 & 9). Totally active Mormons!!!!!! I mean how freaking more CRAZY does this get? I went on his computer last night and pieced together a timeline based on the Craig’s List posts still left on there and the dates of his travel. I have no doubt he has had 4 CL hook-up’s on the road, but since he has been doing push-ups and shaving his penis for the past 6 months (even though I told him I don’t like it) and it has ironically coincided with his Housewife Hookup profile….I KNOW the lying, cheating, scum-sucking COWARD who still won’t tell me the truth has been fucking around right under my nose!!! I HATE him so much right now I can’t breathe! Everyone keeps telling me I should give it some time and see if there is any way to forgive him, but every time I write out the details and see them in black and white….I say “who in their right mind should be such an IDIOT?” Someone tell me why I have not already packed up my kids and gotten the hell away as fast as I can????? What about the kids? This is going to be SO hard on MY kids! (I will NEVER EVER call them our kids again!). I HATE my fucking husband!
Dear “Mad as Hell”. I wanted to answer Soo many of these posts, but chose yours because you haven’t left yet. So I’m telling you now to leave! The best advice Chump Lady has given it that these people (& yes it effects women as well.. my ex is a psychopath who used to accuse me of cheating constantly while she was the unfaithful one. She’d go so far as to accuse me of “touching the female cashiers hand when I would take my change back at the supermarket”! It was bizarre and hurtful). As I was saying the best nugget of information is that these people have “personality disorders”. And they get worse! Not better! After my ex found another man (While I was recovering from a knee injury at work! Btw, she accused me of “injuring myself on purpose” and during the relationship I gave her control of the finances because she claimed “a man with a bank account has one to hide money so they can cheat!”. Yeah, well she spent all my money) And when I found out about this “other man” she tried to “twist it around” and accused me of cheating once again except she had No Proof because it wasn’t true! However, based on that self-deluding lie she then went to the local court and police and said she “feared I would kill her… And my 1yr old daughter”! After 6 months of no contact with my child I broke down and called her crying and yelling. And, she used that call to say “See, he’s angry and emotionally unstable”. She’s such a good liar this worked and I then had to defend this absurd creation of facts. It has resulted in a criminal record for breaking a restraining order and destroyed my relationship with my child.
Even though the jerk off has fed you so many lies he himself believes, it doesn’t matter what your relationship is between you, if he is somewhat of a good father, don’t hurt your children in trying to hurt him. If he really is a miserable piece of existence and hasn’t done anything worthy of real good parenting and cannot teach your little human beings good moral character, then yes, they are fully your children, but you gotta prove that to the courts.
Go get tested immediately for STDs!!!!!! all of them!
I absolutely feel your pain. My now ex-husband was the same but at least I didn’t have young kids to worry about so I was able to leave immediately. I am so, so sorry for you. I’m four years out and this devastating experience still impacts my life. I did EMDR, therapy, healing and still can’t bring myself to even go on a date with a man.
The solid truth is that he is sick. He has an illness and NOTHING you do can change him and you did NOTHING to cause it. You will make yourself crazy trying to track down his activities so just try to stop that, you will go absolutely nutty with it.
I know it sounds impossible but try to detach from the crazy. Go into survival mode and make a list: Get tested for STDs, make an appointment with an attorney to find out your rights, go to a therapist – a good one, take some time to yourself…no matter what, find somebody to babysit – get outside, journal whatever. It sounds impossible I know. It’s a truly horrible experience for anybody to go through. Try to disengage from him as much as possible for your own sanity. You don’t have to and probably can’t forgive him because you don’t even know what’s happening right now, and it’s a sickness, he will see you sobbing on the floor and the next hour be right back at his dirty deeds.
Don’t make any choices out of panic or anger. If you can maybe you can take the kids away to family or something. I’m sorry, I hate him for you too.
omg!! don’t find a paul! they are serial cheaters too, in need of ego kibbles!! trust me 🙂 such a kind name for a shitty person!
That’s what I figured…cake eater. Left me for an older woman who had a kid when we were dating. Found out grass wasn’t greener, took him back, he wanted a kid of his own, so we decided to have one before the spontaneous marriage commitment in the 9th month of pregnancy. Not even 3 years later, through an anniversary, had started another affair with an older woman who did not have children. I found out 3 months later. I let him take another man’s wife on a road trip vacation because I thought he was grown-up enough to set his own boundaries and I had never been the jealous type and thought that’s the freedom he needed to come back. They hid behind the fact that they were both married and I did not expect him Not to be friends with the opposite gender. Yes I was hurt he chose her over me for a vacation partner when I constantly stayed home taking care of household chores, raising the child and the two home-businesses we had. We could have really reconnected. That was dumb. The man is 40. I thought he learned from the first affair. Apparently not. He never actually took responsibility for manifesting it. He said it just sort of happened. And of course I think, “You don’t just sort of accidentally trip and fall into someone’s vagina.”
Of course I fought hard to keep our family together when I found out. Did much research about psychology of affairs and relationships and commitment phobia and tried to educate us both. Felt that I needed to honor my commitment even though he failed and gave him the ultimatum. I asked if he got rid of her, his response was, “I told her I needed a friend and not an intimate relationship,” to which I responded, “I let you be friends, you already proved you could not. We’re done.”
Separated for almost a year with a four year old son, he is still living with his affair partner but claims to miss me and have made a mistake. Never made any real effort to save the marriage. Trying to now make me the other woman and it’s bullshit. Told him straight up his needing 2 women to fulfill his ego is his own problem. I would find various emails to his past lovers when we were together claiming he would always love them and so on. He had a long track record before me. His friends were even leary and warned me. Guess the commitment phobic signs were always there, I just chose not to see. I was very young and had some unresolved father issues.
Funny, that he only wanted me back when he discovered I had started dating a man who’s wife did the same thing, only 3 times.
Typical toddler/commitment phobic behavior. You only want your toy back when someone else is playing with it. His ex is doing the same only using their children as leverage. Both our exes were the ones who ended it and now they think they can just waltz back in without any real effort now that all the strong feelings of anger and betrayal have slowly subsided.
Why, because we took them back before thinking they had truly learned their lesson the first time? I’m not falling for it this time. Sometimes I think maybe he has, but the e-mails he writes to me saying he questions if he made the right decision every day (of course he didn’t,) shows me that he is still the same person, because he is on the fence about his new commitment. He knew that the affair was a way out of his supposed “miserable” marriage. We had communication errors and dealt with a great deal of stress that owning a business with your partner would, but never had problems in the bedroom. He had made his choice even when I gave him the chance to make it right. So much of his ridiculous rants to me reveal so much about who he truly is. When I split, he asked a mutual friend if he thinks we might get back together in 5 years. Ha! He already put an expiration date on his new relationship, the one he threw away everything we built for. “Will she wait around while I go have my fun first?” Interesting. And then what? Hurt her? Pretend to love me for our child’s sake? Text her how much he misses her? Put up with my anger and mistrust? Repeat again in 3 years when things get rocky? I told him he needs to make her feel like the only woman in the world and asked if she knows all the things he still tells me. Of course not. A man like that cannot commit and it is no longer my problem. And now I think, better you miss me than her.
Since the split, my son and I have a stronger bond and mutual respect. I am no longer “mean mommy,” and dad now has to pull his fair share of discipline, quality time and parenting skills. We always seemed to clash when it came to parenting styles and our son had never had more than one day alone with his “friend” dad, he was always with me. I took my responsibility in what I could have done differently in the relationship, but it was never about me, or us. The fighting has stopped. The relationship is better because we are separate, and we still have our business, even though time and love for our child has been a bit spread thin because we no longer occupy the same household. I have found a new confidence, self respect and happiness for no longer putting up with disrespect and controlling narcissism and psychological abuse it took 7 years for me to discover, which was the true character of my “nice guy” husband.
My new partner and I openly communicate and address fears and insecurities and ways to keep a thriving relationship where as my old partner would stone-wall and distance to create some sort of fucked up inherent need for control. We respect each other’s individuality and that we don’t always agree or have the same styles but we don’t sabotage the relationship because of it. Granted, it’s still in the honeymoon phase, granted, we are both somewhat damaged because of betrayal and openly acknowledge that we aren’t going to let that sabotage our chance to start new and have a real fulfilling connection. Who doesn’t have baggage? Real commitment means I love you now and forever through all your changes, for you, period. Although the dynamic of the relationship has changed because we have 3 boys between us with the others, I feel more of a united front with 3, than with the ex with one. There’s not the control or distancing techniques or picking each other apart over minute things like choice of clothing, my interest in gardening or old political facebook rants. There is a greater understanding between us because of the congruencies in our lives. Life’s too short to put up with a man who neither loves or respects you and cannot find happiness within his own character.
I have been married 35 years to a serial cheater. The last time was a few months ago and I found out because of a text. They had been having an affair for a year and I did not have a clue. Well, when I found out he swore it was over and he wanted me. Blah Blah!!!! I have recently found out that he went back to her 3 times, all the while treating me like a queen. His story is she would not leave him alone. I know all wives say this but this woman is psycho she has tortured me with calls and text. We are in counseling but I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t sleep, eat or function. I am a mess. I want to separate so that I can get my life together and get the courage to leave once and for all but he will not do it. He has become the husband that I always wanted and swears he always be. How do I get the courage to move on? I feel like I am destroying my family but I don’t think I will ever trust him again.
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What an amazing post. Thank you for writing this and it sounds like my life. Same story, same number of years married to a “Bob” – my favourite line was “Consider Bob your shoe factory and subtract.”. I am now happily 29 after reading this post. I subtracted those 4 lousy years of my pointless marriage.
[…] robinso.buckler @ yahoo . com: Helped to bring My Ex-Husband back with his spiritual power […]
I just found out my husband is deeply involved in the swinging scene even as far as he is the one organising hotel rooms for sex parties. We have been married for over 20 years and I have suspected something was going on for about 8 years. I now feel my whole marriage has been a total lie. I have not had sex with him myself for 6 years due to a medical reason I won’t go into. For that I am now grateful.
I understand he might have sexual needs but when I have brought up the topic he has said he doesn’t mind that I don’t have sex with him. Now I know why. I could cope with him sleeping with other people up to a point but 2 days ago I discovered he has been bringing people to our house to have sex with them. What’s more he is also having sex with men. I have no problems with people being straight/ gay/ bisexual – or whatever floats your boat – but this was a surprise as he never showed any inclinations in that direction before.
My main concern is he has now brought this into our home. He is bringing in strangers to my home. I feel violated. We have a 17 year old daughter and now I feel that both she and I are at risk as who knows what some of these people might be into?
My husband is so manipulative and arrogant that he has been filming himself with all these partners. And I recently discovered over 30 mini disks of his sex life. I managed to view bits of some when he was out. Imagine my shock when one disk is if him having oral sex with a man in my living room. In my bloody living room where we sit and eat and watch tv. Where my daughter does her college work. I felt so sick. I now feel my house is tainted. I have already begun divorce proceedings a month ago due to my husbands Narcissitic behaviour and over 20 years of feeling downtrodden. We had agreed to be friendly and fair through the divorce but now I feel angry. It’s like my whole life has been one big massive lie. I have suspected for 8 years but this could have been going for 18 or more. I am so angry he has brought this into our home where my daughter is. I realise now that I was right to start divorce proceedings. This new revelation is so painful. How dare he put my daughter and I at risk? He has no idea I have found out his dirty little secret. Like I said, I really don’t care who is having sex with – but not in my home, that’s really taking the piss.
Well..as for me..it seems I have a knack at picking, marrying, ousting & then divorcing/leaving cheaters…ladies…all I can say is try to be careful. Luckily, I have no kids due to taking BC pills without any if them knowing. I am so afraid yet I’ve tried the martial situation once, divorced. Then since then, cheater after cheater. What I find funny is the lies..why lie. Stay with the woman who think she has the upper hand. I honestly think I need to become a PI lol but anyway, trust your instincts, don’t act on them outwardly..just confront and leave. I know it sounds easy for those without kids but you are worthy, there are plenty of men who will love you but as women, we must be extremely snobbish with our selection nowadays to maintain physical and mental health because they don’t care..there actions says it all..so skeays check and wear condoms.
i suspected my husband was cheating on me with a co worker at his work place, he acts strange when i get close to his phone initially we were living fine and we had great plans for the future, john was the kind of man i would want to spend the rest of my life with. my marriage was falling apart and i needed proof, i met a friend who introduced me to a private investor to help spy on my husband and get the proof i needed. kt worked really, i want to use this means to encourage those out there who was in my position, people needed to be treated right. if you need help you can contact him masterhack266@gmail.com dude is a genius and a good listener. tell him gabriella refered you.
I was seeing this guy long distance and thought it odd at the time he would be advertising on Craiglist in a city where he did not live. Told me he was going through a divorce. He said he visited family here and was looking for “friends”. As I was very lonely, I got attached when he kept texting me sweet nothings, saying I Love you, you are beautiful, you are perfect, etc. He was saying I Love you only after meeting me once!!! He insisted we would be together one day but it was just all talk. He regularly touted “I can’t wait for this” and “I can’t wait for that, etc”, or “I wish I could be with you while you are going through …..”.
He came to see me twice, both times focusing on sex in his cheap motel room. I was unhappy, wanted more and asked him several times about the status of our relationship. I always got vague and non-committal responses. I knew something was off when he regularly disappeared for 2 days, then came back like clockwork to text night and day. He was able to text at work during his night shift. Kept saying to myself he must be seeing someone as he NEVER talked about his family, friends or anything specific he did during his leisure time, except “relaxing” or “working in the yard”. How could I be such a fool?
To make a long story short, he became very sick and was hospitalized with a very serious disease. At this point I was still quite attached but deep down knowing something was not right. I hadn’t heard from him for over a month and he didn’t respond to my texts. Did an online search with his name and found out he passed away the previous month.
Then the whopper hit me. On his funeral home obituary page were several photos of him and his family. I was totally shocked to see a recent photo of him (he had no hair due to chemo) with a woman and they were going through what looked like a marriage ceremony, with a host of other people I am guessing family and friends.
I always suspected something was up, but this creep never told me once about another woman. I am sure he must have known her for quite some time. It appears he wanted to keep me on a string and as a booty call for when he came into town. I was horrified, felt awful about myself for continuing to stay attached when all along I felt he was hiding something. I feel like getting in touch with his “wife” to tell her what a playboy he was. Likely he had other women besides me.
At any rate, he destroyed my heart. At this point, I don’t want to date anyone ever again.
Good day
my husband has been cheating on me and i recently found out and now he suffered stroke and is on diapers a day after he went out with his girlfriend and had a party for her, now i feel like living him to sort himself out with his girlfriend ,He collapsed while fighting with girlfriend on the email,i found all this while he is in hospital.He is still there lost his speech and usage of right limbs.
i am angry and battling to care for him in hospital i want him to know i know and how i feel before i can even consider taking care of him.
am i a bad wife?
My husband straight up told me he used me to be ‘acceptable’ because he could operate better if he fit into society behind the image of a married man. He was a cheater, a liar, an outright evil monster from day 1 — all wrapped in a tight angelic mask. He’d snort and say ‘there’s no such thing as evil, only pure thought’, and ‘the domestication of man was beneath him’, ‘whoever cares the least wins’… and garbage like that. It took 26 years for the mask to come off, after I became ill and was of no use to him anymore. Everyone still buys into his false mask — he is the devil incarnate.