Dear Chump Lady,
I tried to take the high road regarding my cheating ex-husband having my kids around the OW (who he had a long-term affair with). I’ve been divorced for two years, and he claims the OW isn’t in the picture any more, or around my kids. But my kids tell a different story.
So, I find out he’s still with her from the kids. THEN, I find out because SHE texts me, using his cell phone, that I should “get over it,” she “loves” my kids, my ex-husband. WTFever. <Vomit.>
Funny thing, when he dropped them off he tried to chat me up like usual. Says the OW is “classless,” doesn’t know why she texted me, etc. He wants to be all buddy, buddy, but I was all business with him. So then he left sulking, probably headed back to the OW.
I fear my “acceptance” of the OW (because I want to minimize stress to my kids) is going to somehow make it easier for him to advance his relationship with her and create some kind of family dynamic. The injustice is killing me, like they’re this happy family. And I was replaced. And my kids are just cool with that. UGH.
I always used to comfort myself with the thought that he is incapable of really doing a committed full-time relationship. But he seems to have that with the OW.
I am so trying not to let this bring me to my knees.
Don’t predicate your happiness on what your ex does or does not do.
You only get to control YOU. You cannot control who your ex dates, moves in with, and brings around your kids. Your best, healthiest response to OW is meh. Whatever. You don’t exist.
Yes, take the high road. Yes it sucks donkey balls.
Capable of a committed full-time relationship? Of COURSE he is incapable of it! Look, according to your letter, he had a long-term affair. The man loves CAKE. That’s why he chats you up. That’s why he pretends the OW isn’t in his life. He’s still trying to deceive you, and you might again grant him cake privileges if he can keep that door open.
He appears to be quite excellent at maintaining a double life with no one the wiser. You have no idea what he has going on the side. All you know is that you left the triangle. And now he needs a new hypotenuse.
You are only surmising — imagining — he is giving her what he didn’t give you. Bullshit. She’s texting you using his phone because you make her insecure. He makes EVERY woman insecure. That’s his GAME. To keep everyone off balance. To commit to none. To give juuuuust enough to keep one hooked. Then retreat. Then tease. Then “win” them back. It’s a sicko game.
Thank God every day you’re not on the receiving end of his crap. It’s HER problem now.
HE IS NOT A PRIZE.
Your children will figure this out. OW is a part of a rotating cast of characters over time. Count on it. And if she becomes a significant part of their young lives, (and she might, maybe she’s okay with his fucking around, or has greater powers of delusion), she still could never EVER usurp you as their mother. Just DETACH. Get on with your own life. You cannot control this and you’ll make yourself sick trying.
((Big hugs)). I know it sucks.