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“I, Cake Eater”

Recently someone named “The Affair Partner” wrote to Chump Lady. I thought the lengthy comment deserved its own post. Why? So I can dice it, slice it, shred it into confetti and fling it at the ticker tape parade that is “Sympathy for Cheaters.” (Do you know that parade? With the giant, bobble-headed narcissists holding the ego balloons? There are cake floats, and the Marching Adulterers perform, each with their own tiny violin…)

Anywho, here’s the commentary by “The Affair Partner”:

Rip off the Band-aid and hate me.

I am “the Affair Partner.”
Long story

I’m not here to justify the deception that I participated in with my married lovers, but to let you know that in all cases except one, no one was actively trying to hurt their spouse. It’s not that easy to have a clandestine affair and it’s not glamorous. The logistics are very convoluted and the venues are not necessarily swank hotel rooms. Again, I’m not trying to make the Betrayed Spouse feel sorry for me, but only to pop the balloon that it’s all swooning and romance. Most of the men were paranoid their wives would find out. Only one man wished that his wife would catch him so he would be appreciated more. I saw a picture of his wife, and realized she and I could do better than this guy.

Yes, we were having our cake and eating it too.

I am not proud of what I’m done, but I did get the sexual satisfaction I desired and so did they.

I just want to let the Betrayed Spouses know that sometimes it is just for the sex. Sometimes they want different sex, sometimes they just want a different person to have sex with, sometimes they want more sex than what they’re getting at home. It’s not the Betrayed Spouse’s fault. If spouses have different sexual appetites, then affairs will happen. Yes, you can make a marital vow , but promises and social constructs only go so far in stopping this animal drive that we all have to greater or lesser extents. Those with high sex drives will cheat unless the lack of opportunity or attractiveness prevents it. It will happen. If you haven’t had an honest discussion about your sex life, then chances are, one of you is cheating.

You see, I have been married for over 20 years. Most of them without sex. My sex drive is so high that I had considered getting a total hysterectomy just so I could be compatible with my husband who has no drive. In the beginning, I suggested an open marriage, but he refused. We worked on our sex life, then stopped. Then my attraction for him left, as his left for me years ago. I was a very, very loyal wife. Not even a kiss with another men. But this year, I told my husband I couldn’t take it, and asked for a divorce. That won’t happen for awhile, so now we have an open marriage. That’s when I began seeing men, married and unmarried. The beast was unleashed, but I’m beginning to settle down. I saw pictures of the men’s spouses, and I felt like crap.

Betrayed Spouses of the world, you don’t have to forgive the cake eater. The choice is up to you as to whether you divorce or to have an open marriage. Begging your spouse to stop cheating is futile. I was right in being honest and giving my husband the opportunity to be freed from a marriage with me and pursue his own love interests. I didn’t want to be unfair to my husband – having my cake and eating it too. I just told him, “Listen, we’re not having sex with each other, so I’m going to find a man to have sex with.” That was it. It was painful, but expected.

I saw a my married FWB on Facebook with his wife. His wife had the caption underneath, “The love of my life.” That was a month before he sought me out. Two years after he had an affair with another woman. He is seeing a completely different woman now. I enjoyed his company and have a lot of affection for him, but he looks like the poster boy for a cheating spouse. He will get caught, but not with me. After I saw that picture, I felt really terrible about playing a part in the deception. Yet, I wasn’t the first, and I’m not the last. When his wife finds out, unless she divorces him, he will make amends with her, they’ll be all lovey dovey, but then, he’ll cheat again. She should either divorce him, or allow herself to have some cake on this side.

A couple we have known for years has an open common-law marriage. They’ve been committed to each other for over 20 years, but occasional dalliances on the side. We used to disparage them, now, we realize they might be on to something. It’s possible to be committed to a partner, but have your sexual needs met in other ways as long as you both allow it and are communicate with each other.

So, when you find out about your spouse, recognize that there might be an extra slice of cake with your name on it too.

Oh goody! An extra slice of cake for me. You make it sound so delicious, AP. You feel like shit after you eat it. It’s not “glamorous.” And not only is cake eating devoid of romance, it’s hard work too!

Boy, how can I pass that up? I guess because I’m faithful it must mean I’m lacking a sufficient sex drive. My poor “beast” not getting out very often, confined as it is to evenings of parent-teacher conferences, Netflix, and yoga pants. Uhoh… what about my husband’s beast? Is he out prowling around satisfying his insatiable animal urges? Let me ask. “HONEY?” Oh hang on. He’s passed out on the sofa in his gym shorts, watching “Breaking Bad.”

Hon, there’s a nice lady on the internet who has posited that the reason you’re faithful to me must be that you are either unattractive or have a low sex drive. Your thoughts?

………

AP, I’m not going to print his thoughts on this. Suffice it to say he thinks you’re too fucked up to even reply to. Before you go into some evolutionary, Darwin animal crap and tell me I have a faithful husband because he’s not Alpha enough, consider that he’s a Texas trial lawyer who writes legal missives like “If you ever intimidate Ms. Smith again, there’ll be a pop-dick hillbilly lawyer in Tulsa with my boot so far up his ass, he will taste Larry Mahan every time he hiccups.”

And he looks cute in a suit. Really cute.

Anyway, you didn’t mean to insult me. I get it. Or all betrayed spouses by reassuring us that it’s Not Our Fault. OMG. We were worried. Thanks. Kept checking to see if there was something stuck in my teeth that made my ex cheat. Comforted to learn it was just that he wanted a bit of strange. (He’d been fucking that particular bit of strange for over 20 years, but hey, whatever.)

Disarming my snark for a moment, AP, I am truly sorry that your marriage sucks. That it’s sexless. That your husband is either gay, asexual, or getting it somewhere else and thinks so little of you that he’s okay with you meeting up for furtive blow jobs on your lunch hour. Seriously — how do you delude yourself that you two are “committed”? Because he didn’t take you up on the divorce offer?

You must’ve been miserable all those years. And being with such a withholding bastard who doesn’t give a toss about you  could make a person crazy — crazy to the point you would cut out your own uterus if you thought it would help. That’s horrible, AP. I can see how you would want sexual validation and let your beast roam around. I get that. I do not for one minute understand why you wouldn’t want to do that as a single person and why you choose to stay in such a dysfunctional marriage.

I’m not against swingers. If you want to have an open marriage, fine, whatever. What I AM against is you hooking up with MARRIED men whose spouses weren’t let in on the “open” clause. You write that hey, you’re not “proud” about it, but you “got the sexual satisfaction you desired.”

Well that’s the important thing, right? That someone found your pussy strange, delightful, and new. I’m sure that will come as a great comfort to the children whose homes get broken up and those wives choking on the humiliation of being cheated on.

Cake eaters like you really baffle me, AP. You lost your moral compass. Somehow in your universe it’s okay to fuck married men, but a DIVORCE? OMG, no. That is unthinkable! The mortification! The hardship! You’ll hang on to some sham marriage and work to destroy other people’s marriages (yeah, that’s on YOU too, not just those randy fellows you hook up with), because…. why? Your 401K?

So you dress up your fucked up thinking and your sad, pathetic encounters with superiority. You’d like to condescend to the betrayed spouses to let them know, hey, I’m fucking your husband — but don’t take it personally. You’re the one they want to be seen with on Facebook!

You don’t sound terribly happy with your life choices, AP. And that’s the only thing that speaks well of you. I think even you know how messed up this is. So don’t try to sell your cake here. No one’s buying, thanks.

 

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Let’ face it, 20 years of a relationship is a long time. And like some relationships, after the spark is lost, people carry on and then one day say, “hey, I need sometime more.” Nothing wrong with fantasy. Too bad they don’t turn that fantasy into reinventing themselves and their relationship. Easier to use the rent-a-car than to have to use your old car. You can drive it and enjoy the new car smell all day then come home and make dinner. Sad. If you are in a relationship and after 20 years can sit down with your spouse and say let’s agree to cheat, and your partner is willing, then good for you. But like most of these fantasy stories by cake eaters, they make assumption fact. Next time take a picture of your icing makers penis in you and show it to your husband and see what he thinks. Bet he will not be so happy about your affair. People will justify anything these days. Selfishness will do that to you.

    • From how I read it, she was saying her marriage has been pretty sexless for 20 years, and thus her rationale for cheating. I don’t think it got dull, so much as it never happened. Doesn’t matter really — it doesn’t justify hooking up with married men. If she wants to hang on to a guy who doesn’t want to touch her with a barge pole, that’s her fucked up business. But I don’t get how that translates to it being okay to cheat with other married men.

  • CL right on. C’mon AC get some self respect divorce and swing with just single people. Right now you are pariah terrorist with an active vagina. Seriously. Go to a divorce group and get a good helping of stories from the betrayed. Let me tell the pain is so deep and dark if you had a shred of humanity you would vomit before you committed another act of adultery. You are an active participant right now causing f&@king harm. Who raised you? You want this crap on your grave stone? So WAKE UP! I get you want to get strange that’s ok. Do it right. As part of the betrayed your confession is hallow and still self absorbed. Walk in our shoes AC and get strong BE REAL WITH YOURSELF AND OTHERS.

  • What is it with the phony condescension of the other woman?

    Spare us the instruction on “social construct,” honey. Just because your marriage didn’t work out, doesn’t make you an expert on fidelity, love, mutual respect, friendship, integrity.

    “I’m not proud of what I’ve done” [I’m not proud that I knocked some kids’ legs out from under them], but, hey, I had an orgasm, so….

    “Those with high sex drives will cheat….” No, those who are fucked up in the head and carry a massive sense of entitlement will cheat. Those who are stupid enough to fall for your phony, needy bull-shit flattery in a weak moment will cheat.

    “….I felt really terrible about playing a part in the deception.” How YOU say you “feel” is completely irrelevant. It is meaningless. It does not absolve you of your weak-assed, vile behavior. As if any of us betrayed spouses give a crap how you say you feel. Why on earth would you feel guilty about something that’s just bound to happen, is just unstoppable, can’t be helped? Because you know you’re lying, because you know you’re hurting real people, and you’re not getting a whole hell of a lot out of it in the end, unless fucking with married men and hurting their wives and children is all part of the thrill. And it is, isn’t it?

    Wanna know the difference between you and me? I also know that some married men cheat with women like you–and they will never cheat with someone like me. Because unlike you, I have a heart, I have a moral code, I have a true sense of self, and I never, ever want to be like you.

    • I totally agree Stephanie. It’s not about sex drive, it’s about character. And sorry is as sorry does. It’s not enough to “feel terrible.” (And if you really feel terrible, why would you want other people to “eat cake” too?!)

  • Why couldn’t she just fuck single guys? there are plenty of single guys all over Facebook and plenty o fish ready and willing to have a no strings attached fuck buddy. Why destroy someone else’s home and marriage? I know! Because then there would be no thrill from sneaking, no rush from the fear of discovery, no ego boost from the idea of poaching another woman’s husband. It would just be plain ole sex with strangers. There’s no ego kibbles in that. What a super selfish bitch.

  • One good thing about posts like this woman’s, and some of the other cheaters’, is that they shed light on the way these folks think. It can be terribly frustrating trying to get through to them, trying to convince them of the evil that they do, because, quite simply, they have an entirely different set of values and they see the world very differently than a non-disordered person.
    The most glaring difference is their lack of empathy and their sense of entitlement. These are folks who operate under an entirely differnet set of values. Thye do not return lost wallets. If a cashier gives them the wrong change, in their favor, they remain silent. Etc, etc.
    I think many of us who were involved with a cheater would be well served to educate ourselves about the personality disordered.
    These are folks who can lie with ease and skill, and sleep like babies. Do not expect them to think or feel like a normal person, it will just drive you crazy. Just accept that they are dangerous and avoid them at all costs.

    • Well, Dr. George Simon says being disordered is on a continuum. Believe it or not, I do hold out hope for most people. But I think people like this OW operate with such self interest, that the consequences to HER would have to be very great for her to give up her married man habit. She appears to feel kind of shitty about it. But not shitty enough to change. I also think some of the OW thinking is that… well, the BS doesn’t know. So what she doesn’t know cannot hurt her. Reading this OW, I sense she sees herself as a kind of Robin Hood. She doesn’t get enough sex, so she’s going to steal it from those people in marriages who have enough. They’ll never miss a few hours of their husband here and there. They can “share.” And if the cheater husband is willing and handing it out, well, the BS isn’t *her* problem, right?

      There is just so much wrong with that kind of compartmentalizing. Of course she’s glossing over the people she’s hurt and deceived, at whose expense she’s getting “her needs met.” It is entitlement thinking dressed up as deprivation thinking (I was sad… and didn’t have enough… so I grabbed some gusto! Yea me!)

      I hope “AP” reads here again, can internalize what everyone is saying, and quit screwing married men. I also hope she leaves that marriage. It’s clearly not bringing out her best self. (Assuming she has a best self.)

  • If you read any of this stuff, like this other woman’s or Calum’s, ask yourself if you could really, with a straight face, ever let anything like this garbage slip from your lips without dying from embarrassment.
    I mean, even if you were fucked up enough to beleive as these folks do, wouldn’t you be smart enough to, at least, keep it to yourself/
    This is a sign of just how incredibly different their values are. Some are pretty bright, like my XW , who graduated magna cum from our law school. But, even with some decent candlepower, she is so disturbed, that she cannot see how her babblings make no sense and how easily normal folks see through it and are put off by it.
    one thing I have noticed about people that are really good at the type of “word salad” LC describes, is that they , often, attract a following of weak minded, groupie type followers. Sort of Jim Jonesian. These poor cretins admire them and hang on their , seemingly, deep words and thoughts, because they are not terribly bright and the words and phrases flow so effortlessly.
    But, when you see this garbage in writing, in particular, and start picking it apart, it is so obviously without any real substance. Things like ” my congruity of essence propels me toward validation with like souls , to resonate and refocus our paradigms blah, blah…
    It is drivel, and embarrassingly inane.

  • Whenever I encounter someone like Newt(NPD to the max, with , seemingly decent candlepower) I seem to always wonder WTF it must be like to be married to someone like him(setting aside his obvious physical repulsive/toadiness).
    I would thin one would have an irresistible need to shower, immediately, after being around him.

    There is an oiliness about folks like Newt, Rudy, McCain, Sanford, Clinton et al. I think many people, instinctively, see or fell this about them, even if they agree with their politics.
    I think that many of these guys were the last guys picked for any team and, once they have some power, later in life, try to compensate like hell.
    I think one of the best arguments that can be made against bullying etc (other than the obvious cruelty/sadism one) is that bullying may churn out this type of Napoleon type asshole and we will have to deal with him/her when he or she aspires to hire office.

  • She’s right in saying that betrayed spouses basically have two options — get a divorce or have an open marriage (to which I add: even if it’s only open on one side.) Because so very few waywards change their ways.

  • Divorce is hurtful. My x-wife was the have her cake and eat it to type of person. She learned from her Mom. My x-wife never thought about the hurt she would cause our daughter by her infidelity. I guess, as long as she go hers the heck with me and her daughter. Well, our daughter lives with me now and has for almost 9 years since our divorce. I actually don’t look forward to the conversation with my daughter about the real reasons why her Mom and I Divorced. My x-wife has filled our daughter’s head with all kinds of tales over the years. I just wish she would be honest and say “I never really loved your Dad, I loved the idea of marriage, but just not with your Dad”.

    • You should tell your daughter her mother cheated. That’s not calling her names, it’s the truth. Leave the editorializing out (she’s a tramp, etc.), but let the poor kid operate with the truth. Otherwise kids go through life thinking people just strangely, suddenly fall out of love. Better to learn there are dealbreakers in life. The truth starts with YOU. I wouldn’t wait for your ex-wife to find Jesus.

      • Agree with CL. We went from a relatively happy family to a father and husband being kicked out literally over night. I told the kids the truth. STBX remains furious about this but to be honest he should be grateful I didn’t tell the kids about all the others, separate from current OW, that I found out about on and around dday.

        Nothing wrong with the kids knowing the truth. I have relatives who said they were furious to find out, years later, that the reason their parents divorced was due to cheating. They felt like they had to go through all the pain all over again.

        Honesty is good, deception is bad. Let them live honestly. No gory details, but telling them the basic truth: mum/dad is having an affair, is not wrong.

  • I am appalled by the recommendation to keep the truth from the kids. How incredibly disrespectful. Hasn’t there been enough lying?
    Where do folks come up with this idea that keeping the kids in the dark is good for them?

    • I agree the kids need to know at some point – but when is that point? I haven’t said anything directly to my kids, who were 11 and 12 when I chucked my ex out last year, although I suspect the oldest suspects. But we have in the past told them that certain issues were ‘adult problems’, and not for kids to know or worry about (money worries primarily). I have told the kids the separation was their dad’s choice (they were assuming it was me, since I had threatened separation twice before (serious threats of violence, and, about a year before this second affair, just his being too negative and critical and a pain in the ass to be around). I know that if they ask directly, I will answer honestly, and that I believe that when they’re adults they have the right to know, but I don’t feel like this shit should be theirs to deal w/at this age. Just unclear when to bring it up, if they don’t.

      PS, they do know that 2 years ago everybody was pissed off at their grandfather because he had been unfaithful to his wife for several years before she found out and kicked him out. We were very clear at that time; if you’re unhappy, you divorce BEFORE you get another girlfriend/boyfriend. Good entry point. And while discussing a song on the radio the other day, my daughter said ‘it’s not fair to cheat! It’s way better to be dumped than to be cheated on, at least that’s honest!’ They understand the concept already!

  • Arnold, they get the idea to lie to the kids from the same word salad they use to convince themselves they are morally superior.

    My husband’s married mistress actually had the gall to try to play moral superiority; to try to tell me I didn’t know how to have a relationship, and that I should use her as a role model.

    Yeah, because a married woman fucking a married man who is not her husband is soo very role model worthy…..

    Far as I’m concerned they are welcome to each other. I haven’t gotten a single new bruise in 18 months, and she’s turning up with unexplained sprains. But hey, she’s morally superior.

  • Holy Shit! I think the AP poster is my spouse’s GF! I just uncovered their 8+ yr affair(that I know of)…nearly half of my legal marriage….complete with anniversaries, fun celebratory traditions, cute acronyms, sexting, hook-ups all over the US, daily video messaging/skyping complete with porn links and Christian scripture. I am still in shock.

    I moved around the world to enable his pursuit of his professional goals and I guess his personal goals too. 4 kids and nearly 20 years later I know I’ve been had. I feel manipulated, used and foolish. I am trying to rebuild ME and get my ducks lined up. I’ve put my support structure in place. I have all the right people to counsel me.

    He wants to reconcile. My head tells me NO WAY. I know I’d kick his ass to the curb if we were dating. I am scared for my children, who do not know; I am scared for myself as I have permitted my dumb self to become financially dependent on someone else.

    Who the fuck did I marry? Oh yeah, a selfish asshole who professes to love me AND also professed to love his GF on the 4th of October 2013. It’s 18 days later….

  • i am going to call bullshit on the sex drive difference as why men cheat: i did not cheat on my husband of 7 years, when i had the high sex drive and he had the low sex drive. but, oh, he did cheat on me. if you say its “in our nature” to cheat, you are a loser. what is potty training? what are laws? they are the basics of agreed upon social behavior that benefits everyone. lying and cheating are not natural and benefit no one except the cheater. what a winner.

  • I’m curious. 10 years ago I had an affair with a married man. It was wrong and I still feel horrible about it. I considered telling his wife, but didn’t want to cause more damage than I probably did. I ended it and I don’t know what became of them or their marriage.

    Is there a statute of limitations on feeling horrible about it?

    Can a person who had an affair with someone ever be a good person again? Besides not having an affair again, what can I do?

    Is someone who cheats horrible forever and is a former mistress always horrible?

    If we do something wrong are we bad forever – you know, once a cheater, always a cheater.

    FYI, you’re not chumps if you get cheated on.

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