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It’s All Very Complicated… You Wouldn’t Understand

One thing that baffles me about cheating is that people think it is “complicated.” There’s even a relationship designation for that on online dating sites — you aren’t married or single, no, you’re in a state of “it’s complicated.” Apparently, infidelity is so full of nuance and subtlety that only enlightened sophisticates can understand it. If you judge cheating as wrong, you’re just not looking at it correctly. It’s like one of those optical puzzles. You may just see gray dots and squiggles signifying nothing. But no! Look harder! If you squint long enough, it reads — “I’m not a bad person.” Can’t you see that?!

You don’t see that? Well, clearly you lack the intelligence and open-mindedness necessary to reconcile deceit and fucking around with good character. Maybe you lack compassion for the “broken” people who cheat. Clearly you failed to consider all the extenuating circumstances that led to having an affair. The blame for this can be shared. But you don’t see that with your one-size fits all approach to cheaters. Everyone’s a baddie!

Chump Lady is simple minded.  If you are married, don’t fuck people you aren’t married to. If you’re single, don’t fuck married people.

(Okay, if you’re technically married, but you filed DIVORCE papers, this doesn’t apply to you.)

My ex-husband always used to like to say  ” The truth is somewhere in between.” A pretty good motto for a serial cheater (and a lawyer). To him, truth was situational. Fluid. It really depended how you looked at it. “Did I mean it when I said I loved you? Well… yes, in that moment I meant it.” And then 20 minutes later, when he was waddling off to his next dalliance, he did not mean it. The truth was somewhere in between. How convenient.

“It’s all very complicated” is a convenient ruse for crappy behavior. If there were actual ambiguity, cheaters wouldn’t need to hide what they were doing. There would be no need for secrets, and hidden cell phones, and clandestine dating profiles if this were kosher or open for debate. The fact that it is wrong, (or perceived as wrong by us dim-witted Puritans), means that they hide it.

It’s only after a cheater is busted that they want to spin the situation as complicated. So long as you’re in the dark, there is no reason to discuss it. But once it is exposed, it’s in a cheater’s best interest to muddy those waters.

Moral murk… the cheater’s friend.


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  • Great one, chumplady. I hear this from my STBX all the time. I don’t ‘understand’, I was ‘ignoring’ him, I wasn’t ‘affectionate enough’, we ‘lost’ the connection (easy to do when he’s out banging every broad he meets).

    So yes, call me a puritan but if you’re married you don’t fuck other people unless you have an agreement with your spouse that this is perfectly ok. If you’re single don’t fuck anyone who is married or in a committed relationship.

    Funnily enough, I know a couple that started as an affair and the woman spent the next ten years worrying her man would go back to his wife. She only relaxed when the ex wife remarried. And she has never really trusted him, even all these years later, which means she put all her needs second to his until he got too old to screw around.

  • Well, if we were less “judgemental” , perhaps we could see that most cheaters are just more evolved than their betrayed spouses, having outgrown them. The poor cheater needs “connection” and a “soulmate” and someone so unevolved as to actually think one should abide by vows cannot hope to understand the complexities that caused the cheating.
    Yes, the betrayed folks who object to having been cheated on are “stuck” or “bitter” or “judgemental”.
    I mean look at poor Meryl Streep’s character in that classic love story “Bridges of Madison County”. Her husband merely worked and supported her, whereas Clint was so much more of a complete person(with better buns,(althoug perhaps a little saggy as he was a bit older).
    Look, we need to get it through our poorly evolved little brains that these cheaters are , quite simply, more complex, highly evolved types with wants and needs far beyond our limited comprehension. We need to accept our roles and be happy to service their needs when allowed to.

  • My x used those exact words!!! “I meant it in the moment” After his first affair during “reconciliation” he expressed such emotion, “I could have lost you! I am so sorry!” then proceeded to call his new girlfriend. After I discovered the second I asked, “why would you even say that when you were already doing the exact same thing?” “I meant it in the moment”.

    Just holy f**king crap! I am divorced 6 months now and becoming more grateful every day.

  • Cheaterpant’s ultimate line of defense when other people ask about our relationship’s demise is saying, “I don’t know”. What could be a more convenient way of hiding the truth and also avoiding responsibility at the same time? 😛

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