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Dear Chump Lady, My boyfriend had an EA

Dear Chump Lady,

I feel as if I narrowly escaped the total destruction of having a partner who was conducting an EA dressed as up “she’s a good friend.”  He has since gone NC on her for, as far as I know, more than a year now, including de friending her and their mutual friend from Facebook.

While he was conducting his charades with her, I learned that she did a couple of things that get under my skin:
1. She accused him of leading her on.  Despite the fact that she told him that she was doing online dating at the time; she started to see one guy in particular who is now her boyfriend; and they discussed me on many occasions.
2. She advised him to drop me and based on the information he gave her about our sex life.  The irony here is that during that period he was avoiding sex with me. I wonder why.
3. She offered to drop the guy she was dating so that they could date again.

So now, I have the emails in which her social media account has sent to my partner to invite him to friend her again. I also have a profile on that site. He told me about them before I saw them and he has not acted upon the request.  He is on various social media sites so it does make me wonder if she might try again.  And I do also wonder how uncomfortable my partner feels having to ignore her.

I have thought about forwarding them to her boyfriend whom I can see on Facebook (his wall is public) and adding the above information. But for some reason, maybe timid as I am, maybe because it’s been taught that I shouldn’t cause drama.  But please help me to understand and decide, would I be doing the right thing by contacting her boyfriend?

From LookingForward

Dear LookingForward,

What exactly would you tell her boyfriend? There’s nothing really here to expose. Dear boyfriend, your girlfriend is trying to Facebook friend a guy she used to date? Ho Hum. Shrug. I mean, it’s just not that incriminating. Hell, maybe they’re hooking up on LinkedIn or following each other’s tweets. If you forward this stuff, it’s just going to make you look like a jealous loon.

The problem, from where I sit, isn’t this persistent “friend,” it’s your boyfriend.

1. If he had an EA, he should’ve blocked her if was intent on being faithful to you. She should have no way of easily contacting him on FB. But he didn’t do that. So she’s still out there, battering at the ramparts. Oh hang on, bad metaphor. That implies fortress. She’s battering at limp spaghetti. He’s got no boundaries.

2. Oh! But he told you! Doesn’t that count for something? No, he sounds like a mindfuck. He’s not telling you to be transparent. He’s telling you because he likes keeping you off balance. Insecure. Behaving like a jealous loon. He gets ego kibbles doing that, because when you react, he MATTERS. He likes the ego kibbles from the inappropriate friend and from you. If he cared, he’d shut it down. He doesn’t. He likes keeping you in the humiliating dance of “pick me”! It’s a power trip.

3. Reconsider the EA. Healthy men don’t avoid sex. Faithful men don’t discuss their sex life with women “friends.” If he wasn’t getting it on with you, he was probably getting it on with her.

This is a dating relationship and it’s full of stupid drama. Dump him. Find someone you can feel secure with who wouldn’t betray you. The fact that he discussed your sex life with this woman and disrespected you in the most intimate of ways is ENOUGH to dump him.

There is nothing here to be jealous about. Move on!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • CL hit the nail on the head: he was telling another woman about your sex life? Get. Out. Now.

    That is such a massive violation that there doesn’t need to be any further discussion. Walk away, wish him well if you must, but go live your life free from what is sure to be an assclown from hell. He’s only getting started and you’re already buying into his crap. Stop. Now.

  • “While *he* was conducting his charades with her… she did a couple of things that get under my skin”

    Oh brother!! This again. Oh no, here comes another predatory/crazy/stalking/aggressive/heartless AP!!!! *gasp*

    What is it with the betrayed blaming the AP? Look, anyone willing to take up in any capacity with someone who is already taken sucks. So what? It goes without saying and is beside the point, really.

    You know why? Because it is just another excuse! Why do the betrayed make SO many excuses for their cheaters??!!!

    *Poor boundaries
    *Low self-esteem
    *FOO Issues
    *Sex Addiction
    *(and my personal favorite:) Poor coping mechanisms

    LOLOLOLOL The poor lamb just didn’t have the tools to cope/ward off the scary AP’s advances. WRONG. We ALL have the tool and guess what it is – NO. That’s it. NO. Just like that, say it with me: NO. Everyone can say NO and I don’t give a shit what their FOO issues, we can all say NO. Cheaters say YES!!!!! They say YES because they wanted to! They had a choice, YES or NO and they chose YES. Doesn’t matter who instigated the affair, the slippery slope, yada yada yada – cheaters said YES.

    Do you want to spend the rest of your life with one who won’t say NO? You’ll be looking over your shoulder because you don’t trust a potential AP???!! That’s is nonsense!! You have to trust HIM, not a potential AP!!!

    • Christ, did you record my rants in the first few days after dray? When I was desperately looking for a reason he was a complete asshole? ‘Cause I used all six of those excuses for him. Then I smartened up and realised he’s just an asshole who likes to fuck other people.

  • I can’t tell you how many stories I have read where the cheater acted like this during courtship. This is your sign from above-leave him. Otherwise, you cane xpect this type of thing to happen again and again. Except , maybe, you will not be in the position to leave as easily(kids etc).

    • I agree Arnold. If it’s this bad in the honeymoon dating state, why on earth would you stay for more punishment? Get out while the getting’s good.

  • The old saw applies here: “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

    Your BF showed you he’s a poor partner, with porous boundaries, little regard for your emotional well being, and a lack of sexual attraction (to you at least–sorry). Believe him.

    I don’t care if you have 100 gigs of FOO issues and one eye in the center of your forehead, you deserve better.

  • Where have you been all my life, CL, Arnold, JL, Nomar?! Found CL’s site today and all I can say is GOD BLESS YOU (all)! Keep up the awesome writing, CL, and your comments, Peanut Gallery. Your miraculous snark is genuinely heart-warming, heart-wrenching — and curative.
    A once-naive fifty-something finally gettin’ a f***** clue about the cheater I almost married. AKA: DodgedBullet

  • Dodged, one way to get entry into the Peanut gallery is to have been banned at SI, LS, MB, TAM or some of the other sites where advocating divorce is frowned upon.
    CL is on Chatcheaters, as well. That site has a no holds barred attitude toward describing cheaters for what they are, as well.
    But, this site has better writing and is way more interesting.

  • Aw, thanks for the warm welcome and advice Arnold, sincerely appreciated. I’ve checked out SI briefly — and found myself much more at home here — and the writing here is way better (an understatement). This site is saving my sanity and my sense of humor and I can’t thank you all enough! Hope no one is in the northeast or has family and friends suffering there after the storm. Used to live in NYC and breaks my heart to see the damage to the city and environs…Take care, everybody!

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