Dear Chump Lady,
I feel as if I narrowly escaped the total destruction of having a partner who was conducting an EA dressed as up “she’s a good friend.” He has since gone NC on her for, as far as I know, more than a year now, including de friending her and their mutual friend from Facebook.
While he was conducting his charades with her, I learned that she did a couple of things that get under my skin:
1. She accused him of leading her on. Despite the fact that she told him that she was doing online dating at the time; she started to see one guy in particular who is now her boyfriend; and they discussed me on many occasions.
2. She advised him to drop me and based on the information he gave her about our sex life. The irony here is that during that period he was avoiding sex with me. I wonder why.
3. She offered to drop the guy she was dating so that they could date again.
So now, I have the emails in which her social media account has sent to my partner to invite him to friend her again. I also have a profile on that site. He told me about them before I saw them and he has not acted upon the request. He is on various social media sites so it does make me wonder if she might try again. And I do also wonder how uncomfortable my partner feels having to ignore her.
I have thought about forwarding them to her boyfriend whom I can see on Facebook (his wall is public) and adding the above information. But for some reason, maybe timid as I am, maybe because it’s been taught that I shouldn’t cause drama. But please help me to understand and decide, would I be doing the right thing by contacting her boyfriend?
What exactly would you tell her boyfriend? There’s nothing really here to expose. Dear boyfriend, your girlfriend is trying to Facebook friend a guy she used to date? Ho Hum. Shrug. I mean, it’s just not that incriminating. Hell, maybe they’re hooking up on LinkedIn or following each other’s tweets. If you forward this stuff, it’s just going to make you look like a jealous loon.
The problem, from where I sit, isn’t this persistent “friend,” it’s your boyfriend.
1. If he had an EA, he should’ve blocked her if was intent on being faithful to you. She should have no way of easily contacting him on FB. But he didn’t do that. So she’s still out there, battering at the ramparts. Oh hang on, bad metaphor. That implies fortress. She’s battering at limp spaghetti. He’s got no boundaries.
2. Oh! But he told you! Doesn’t that count for something? No, he sounds like a mindfuck. He’s not telling you to be transparent. He’s telling you because he likes keeping you off balance. Insecure. Behaving like a jealous loon. He gets ego kibbles doing that, because when you react, he MATTERS. He likes the ego kibbles from the inappropriate friend and from you. If he cared, he’d shut it down. He doesn’t. He likes keeping you in the humiliating dance of “pick me”! It’s a power trip.
3. Reconsider the EA. Healthy men don’t avoid sex. Faithful men don’t discuss their sex life with women “friends.” If he wasn’t getting it on with you, he was probably getting it on with her.
This is a dating relationship and it’s full of stupid drama. Dump him. Find someone you can feel secure with who wouldn’t betray you. The fact that he discussed your sex life with this woman and disrespected you in the most intimate of ways is ENOUGH to dump him.
There is nothing here to be jealous about. Move on!