Dear Chump Lady,
I have been thinking about telling the other person that her husband has been cheating on her with my wife — should I or shouldn’t I?
My wife just told me, and now doesn’t want to lose me, said it was only once which is B.S.
Yes Mason, you should tell the other betrayed spouse. This is pretty standard advice on infidelity sites. Usually exposure is recommended because it’s this great arrow in your quiver to End the Affair. It’s supposed to make it get all real and uncomfortable for the cheaters and usually has the effect of the cheating husband publicly rejecting your wife (otherwise known as “throwing her under the bus”), where you know, she comes back to you. And then you ride flying unicorns into the sunset of reconciliation.
But Mason, you didn’t come to the usual infidelity sites, you came to me, Chump Lady. My reason that you should tell the other betrayed spouse is that it is the FUCKING RIGHT THING TO DO. As a human being, as a fellow infidelity chump, as someone who has a soul — TELL HER. Wouldn’t you want to know? You should practice the Golden Rule. This woman doesn’t know the truth about her own life. That her husband is betraying her with your wife.
Maybe part of your wants to shield your wife from the wrath of that betrayed woman. Not. Your. Job. Your wife fucked another woman’s husband. Those consequences (being hit with a threaded pipe, being snubbed at the kid’s soccer game, having “slut” written in Round-Up across your front lawn) are hers.
That betrayed wife needs to hear the news from you. Kindly, with compassion. Offer her what evidence you have, if she wants it. Offer her your phone number if she’d like to talk. But let her take the lead. She may blow you off. There is a risk of that, but once you’ve done the informing, you have to let go of the outcome. She might stay with her douchebag cheater — that’s her choice. But at least it will be an INFORMED choice.
As for your wife — it was only once? Do you believe that? And she doesn’t want to lose you. Ye-ah. She should have thought of that during that (cough) one night stand. She wants cake.
I’m sorry Mason. It’s a crap position to be in. At least you KNOW your spouse cheated on you. Which is more information to make an informed decision with than that unfortunate betrayed woman has.
Do the right thing and tell.