You may ask a straightforward question like “Did you really mean it when you said you loved me on my birthday?” And the cheater will reply, “Of course I meant it!” leaving unspoken that moments after those words were uttered, they left to go screw their fuck buddy. Well yes, the cheater insists, in that moment I said it, I did love you. It’s just that when placed in another situation, they forgot… or shelved it… or the truth changed into another truth (“I love the fuck buddy too!”).
Truth to such a person isn’t constant. It’s malleable. Fluid. Completely dependent upon the objectives of the cheater. Mine was fond of saying, “The truth is somewhere in between.”
When you try to pin them down, they claim subjectivity — “Well that’s YOUR story! That’s YOUR perception!” Accuse them of bad deeds and you cannot pin it on them. “I am not DEFINED by my relationships!” or “If you think I’m that kind of person, then you really shouldn’t be with me, should you?” (But you ARE with them… ergo? They’re not that kind of person? Huh?)
Don’t expect them to make sense. You have your reality. The cheater has theirs. There is no currency exchange. It’s like trying to do a surrealist bank trade in which you’ve only got Krugerands and wampum — and the cheater only takes ducks.
If you’re going to navigate yourself out of this mess, you cannot look to the cheater for guidance. “What do you mean by that?” or “How could you do such a thing?” are not going to get you satisfactory responses. Cheaters have a vested interest in keeping you confused and off balance — it allows them to eat cake and not take responsibility for their deliberate choices and actions.
And cheaters enjoy feeling superior. If you don’t speak Cheaterish, well that’s only because you lack the sophistication and intelligence to understand someone so worldly. How tiresome to have to explain things to such a dim witted creature. <Sigh> Are you really going to ask again?
When dealing with a master mindfuck, trust your gut. You know what the truth is. You know what was said. Don’t doubt your senses. It also helps to get perspective from others. Confide in family and friends, get their gut check. Find support at on-line communities. Expose the crazy talk. If you don’t understand situational truth-isms, chances are other people don’t either. You’re not the crazy one — they are.