I am currently going through a separation/divorce. I honestly don’t know what the hell it is because he keeps saying he can’t let go, but he also says he is not leading me on in any way and that my feelings are irrational.
Once, I finally seem to get over him, something will trigger a memory and then I’m back at missing him so much.
He moved out five months ago, when I found on his facebook, messages between him and a classmate trying to hook up. He is 32 mind you, and she is only 21. I found it repulsive. But that’s not even the worst part, because she obviously had no interest in him, plus she knew he was married, so maybe she had a conscience, he on the other hand does not… The worst part was finding nude pictures of all his exs in his emal and he even contacted one of them that he told me didn’t satisfy him in anyway, but now he’s interested?
To this day he tells me he hasn’t slept with anyone, but I don’t know if I can believe that.
We’ve been together for almost 5 years and got married last year in December. Him being flirty with girls has always been a problem in our relationship, but we broke up last year for a few months and then he realized he did want to be with just me. So I forgave him, he made that commitment and asked me to marry him. But I feel like once we were married things went sour again. The lies started again. So 6 months later, were already getting divorced…
I just want to understand why the hell it’s so hard for me to let go? I know he’s a cheater, I know he’s a liar, I know he was never someone I could depend on, so what gives? I am a very honest person and a loving person. I gave him my heart but I guess other women was what he really needed? And that was another thing too, our sex life was amazing, and we have been together a couple times since the separation, but now he’s like, he wants to be seen for more than just sex, but he never calls or says he wants to do this, so I don’t understand.
Okay, I’m going to cut to the chase — why is so hard to let go? BECAUSE YOU KEEP HAVING SEX WITH HIM.
As I was reading your letter, I was thinking: smart girl, she’s divorcing him at six months in, before it gets any worse and there are children involved. I was going to give you the standard, dump the cake eating bastard advice (which I will get to in a moment). But then I stumbled over the last tidbit, mentioned as an aside, that you’ve hooked up a couple times since separating.
Look, it’s a really typical, human, idiotic thing to do. I did it myself. But you MUST stop having sex with him. Must, must, MUST!
Every time you succumb to his stupid cake eating noises (I can’t let you go! But I’m not leading you on…I love you! I cannot be bothered to call you…) and then you have sex with him, a couple things happen:
1. He learns that what he did (cheating, lying, disrespecting you) wasn’t That Bad, because he still gets laid. He still gets to enjoy cake. He learns that all it takes is some bullshit attention from him, and you’ll crumble and shovel ego kibbles at his piggy little pig snout. You must not feed the beast. When you sleep with him, or take his calls, or listen to his stupid cake talk, you are sending the message to him that he is CENTRAL in your life. That he matters. And he will use that. He needs to feed… gotta keep them kibbles coming — so he will do this crap for as long as you let him. Stop letting him.
2. The other thing that happens when you have sex with him is — you take another hit on the crack pipe that is hope. Hope that somehow this sad situation is going to right itself, that he’s not in fact who he actually is — a cake eating bastard. You are in the bargaining stage of grief. Google it. You’re doing deals with yourself. Okay, he cannot be my husband. I must divorce him… but maaaaybe I can sleep with him. Maaaybe I can use him for the sex and just compartmentalize what he did. Maaaybe we can be friends.
Slap yourself. No. No you cannot sleep with him and be friends or lovers or some cake-y weird amorphous non-married, undefined thing — NO, not if you have any self esteem. And I KNOW you do, because you’re a smart, strong woman who made the hard decision to divorce a man after 6 months of marriage. That took guts. It’s extremely painful to go through what you are going through, and I should know. My DDay was 6 months into my marriage. It’s supposed to be the honeymoon stage. You are NOT supposed to be dealing with infidelity at the same time you’re still writing thank you notes for toast oven wedding gifts.
But honey, you are NOT going to heal if you keep talking and sleeping with this guy. Every time you have sex, your brain releases endorphins and happy sex chemicals and that shit is addicting. Read the story here in last week’s New York Times about how unpredictable love is actually addictive to our brains. You need to quit him like you quit a drug. That means cold turkey, with lots of support.
Do NOT for one minute second guess your decision to divorce this idiot. The days of courtship and early marriage are supposed to be the pinnacle, the best of the best times. Your STBX was cheating — and I don’t believe he didn’t sleep with those other women. Of course he did. This isn’t a one off — this is lots of “flirty” issues over years and multiple contacts with multiple women. The man is a cheater and cheaters are liars.
The part of you that runs away from this man, and breaks up with him? Cherish her. She’s got your back. Listen to her voice.
You’re going to grieve, and that’s okay. But every time you take a hit of attention from this jerk, you set yourself back. Time to work on yourself, shore yourself up, and look forward to a happier future. Because it really is out there, and he’s taking up valuable space that you need for your new life.