Does this never fucking end???? This came to me in a dream and woke me up suddenly – I got up and wrote it down – and sobbed uncontrollably on and off for the rest of the night. I’m so sick of this, can’t I at least go to sleep and be free of it for a while? Anyway, here it is, and isn’t.
You were with me through some difficult times in my life. I pulled you into my life, I wanted you with me, I needed you. You had the right to expect me to treat you with respect. You had the right to expect me to conduct myself with character, you had the right to expect me to be a man.
I want to say that I am sorry. I didn’t want to make the difficult choices that needed to be made as I made dozens of decisions to be emotionally and physically available to another person. And, because I wasn’t willing to face those decisions, those difficult choices, a situation that would be very painful for you at best, I made infinitely more so. I realize that I only felt sorry for myself and I was unable to see what I had done to you.
You had the right to expect more from me and I am deeply sorry. I didn’t know I was capable of so casually wounding another human being let alone someone who was an important part of my life. I realize that I poisoned something that mattered to me, all the way back in time, and now, it can never be undone. I don’t know how I could so casually compromise my honor and integrity as a man. I didn’t show up for you. You had the right to expect me to show up.
Beginnings are easy, but the measure of a man is how they end things. You can’t make someone love you and people have the right to love who they love, but in the event that it means leaving someone, we have an obligation to preserve, as best we can, the dignity of the person we are leaving. And I failed. I wasn’t a man when I needed to be a man.
I know that the best I can hope for from you now is indifference. And that is the outcome I created. I did that. I have to accept that my failures in life are as important as any of my successes.
I am deeply sorry.
Erika — let me get this straight — you wrote the apology you wish he sent you?
Dear Erika,I’m sorry I let you down and exposed you to the toxic cake eater that was Mike. Please forgive me. You’re worth so much more than what that fucktard was capable of giving you. I’m going to make it up to you, and love you right. I will begin by not pining over fraudulent fucktards. I will cram your life full of good people and creative endeavors. I’ll never let you forget that you deserve to be cherished and respected. I will be optimistic about my future, because getting rid of a fraudulent fucktard is addition by subtraction. There’s a better life ahead! Together we can do this, Erika!Love Erika