I saw this on FaceBook this morning and it made me laugh. I thought it the perfect antidote to the last post on bitterness. The beginning is near! What a funny juxtaposition to your regular doomsday prophet dwelling on the end of all things. To anyone slogging through the infidelity trenches right now, yes, it feels like the end of the world as you knew it. And it is. And thank God.
It’s so easy to focus on the ending of things, what you’ve lost — whether that is a partner to parent with, financial security, how you imagined your future would be. And of course, losing the cheater themselves. Even the most rotten of cheaters has hooks. Something that drew you in, something that sparkled and made you pick their fool’s gold up among the other pile of rocks. Maybe the sex was good, maybe they looked good in handknit sweaters, maybe they vote the same way you vote. Something.
It’s normal to grieve those things. And grieving takes time, absolutely. But don’t lose sight of your new beginning. It’s near and it needs some preparing for. I don’t just mean all the loathsome logistics, like say, finding a career after years as a stay at home parent, or hammering out a divorce settlement. I mean figuring out what kind of beginning you want, what it’s going to look like, who’s going to be in it, where it’s going to happen.
You have to visualize the things you want to make them happen. I know that sounds New Age-y and kooky. Oh yeah, it’s that easy. I just imagine a cheeseburger, and poof! I have a cheeseburger. Maybe my fairy godmother will appear and pay off my student load debt while she’s at it.
Or — yeah, make a plan. Riiiight. I see how well making a plan worked before. I had this nice, well-ordered life and tsunami hit it. May as well embrace the chaos this time, because it’s all chaos. Control is an illusion.
Look, you do have control over some things — like yourself. You don’t have control over other people (such a hard lesson for codependents), but you do get to maneuver you. The idea behind visualizing the things you want is so that you recognize opportunity when it presents itself. Because opportunity WILL present itself — you just have to know you were looking for the wares it’s peddling.
Do you want relationships that are reciprocal? Be on the lookout for people who want to give back to you, take an interest, help out. Cultivate those people. They’re there, you were probably just so used to takers, or consumed with the drama of your cheater that you didn’t notice. Want them in your new beginning? Make a note of it.
Do you want more creativity in your life? New bed sheets? Your own family traditions for your kids instead of the crappy bootleg movie marathons and cloying marshmellow sweet potato casseroles of your former in-laws? Make it happen, chumps!
The Beginning is Near! Prepare!