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Near Beginnings

beginningisnearI saw this on FaceBook this morning and it made me laugh. I thought it the perfect antidote to the last post on bitterness. The beginning is near! What a funny juxtaposition to your regular doomsday prophet dwelling on the end of all things. To anyone slogging through the infidelity trenches right now, yes, it feels like the end of the world as you knew it. And it is. And thank God.

It’s so easy to focus on the ending of things, what you’ve lost — whether that is a partner to parent with, financial security, how you imagined your future would be. And of course, losing the cheater themselves. Even the most rotten of cheaters has hooks. Something that drew you in, something that sparkled and made you pick their fool’s gold up among the other pile of rocks. Maybe the sex was good, maybe they looked good in handknit sweaters, maybe they vote the same way you vote. Something.

It’s normal to grieve those things. And grieving takes time, absolutely. But don’t lose sight of your new beginning. It’s near and it needs some preparing for. I don’t just mean all the loathsome logistics, like say, finding a career after years as a stay at home parent, or hammering out a divorce settlement. I mean figuring out what kind of beginning you want, what it’s going to look like, who’s going to be in it, where it’s going to happen.

You have to visualize the things you want to make them happen. I know that sounds New Age-y and kooky. Oh yeah, it’s that easy. I just imagine a cheeseburger, and poof! I have a cheeseburger. Maybe my fairy godmother will appear and pay off my student load debt while she’s at it.

Or — yeah, make a plan. Riiiight. I see how well making a plan worked before. I had this nice, well-ordered life and tsunami hit it. May as well embrace the chaos this time, because it’s all chaos. Control is an illusion.

Look, you do have control over some things — like yourself. You don’t have control over other people (such a hard lesson for codependents), but you do get to maneuver you. The idea behind visualizing the things you want is so that you recognize opportunity when it presents itself. Because opportunity WILL present itself — you just have to know you were looking for the wares it’s peddling.

Do you want relationships that are reciprocal? Be on the lookout for people who want to give back to you, take an interest, help out. Cultivate those people. They’re there, you were probably just so used to takers, or consumed with the drama of your cheater that you didn’t notice. Want them in your new beginning? Make a note of it.

Do you want more creativity in your life? New bed sheets? Your own family traditions for your kids instead of the crappy bootleg movie marathons and cloying marshmellow sweet potato casseroles of your former in-laws? Make it happen, chumps!

The Beginning is Near! Prepare!

 

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  • Well, I needed this today as the holidays are getting me down already. First real one since I kicked him out (last year we were separated but still on speaking terms and nothing was decided) and it’s not just the split of our little family but the split with all the rest of the family. WE live near his, not mine, and this year is the first year I won’t see my kids open most of their gifts. It’s also hitting home that most of his family has discarded me and yeah, this sucks. I’ve known them for 20 years and most of them have little to no contact with me anymore.

    Bad day. Really should go back to drinking. 🙂

    • Oh that sucks. Can’t you alternate for xmas? Or share for part of the day? In what world is it right that you do all the hard work of raising your kids alone, and fucktard there gets them on xmas day?!

      Drinking is a depressant, careful on that. Not to say you shouldn’t spike the eggnog occasionally, but maybe it would lift your spirits more to call a friend, go out, volunteer somewhere, or buy yourself something.

      ((Hugs)) Those first couple of holiday seasons are hard.

      • I’ll have them for part of it but will not be at the big family thing (my family is far away) that I’ve been a part of for nearly 20 years. Weird.

        No worries on the drinking. I’m nearly dry these days.

        • I feel your pain…my parents are gone…my STBX is with his mistress. His parents (my in-laws) have been in my life for 24 married years and while we were dating before. What is it about all that time you invested but you are still disposable? I’m sorry you won’t get to be will your kids all day. I don’t understand what is worth all the pain everyone has to suffer for one person’s happiness. Seems to me that cost is too high. But I would’t ever put my happiness above my kids and the others I love. Seems to me this is your situation too. I have no solutions….just sadness too. I’m really sorry we all have to suffer for other selfish people.

          • Yeah, they’ve more or less cut me out of their lives but to be honest it’s better this way, since they totally enable him and are being very helpful in justifying his actions. They did invite me to a small pre-xmas thing but I declined as I had plans. I’m still in touch with some family members but after seeing one of them the ohter day I realise I can’t do it. I just can’t spend time with these people who are making excuses for him, particularly one who knows the extent of what I found out.

            It sucks but, to be honest, after I saw the one the other day I felt saw rotten after that I know it’s going to have to be NC with them all, as much as possible.

    • Holidays are difficult under the best of circumstances. I’m so sorry Nord – I don’t want to sound trite and I can only imagine – the here yesterday gone today – the unreality of it all. I personally will settle down with this large slab of chocolate cake left over from a friend’s birthday party…. but then again, the dumpsville diet has been good for going on 20 pounds. Looking to make it 25, I sure as hell better get something out of it.

  • And what’s wrong with -marshmallow sweet potato casseroles? Just kidding ! Haven’t had one of those in years.

    But guess what? I’m going on my first date since (barf), tonight! I’m a nervous nelly!

    • Not sure if you’re a bloke or a lady but either way have fun, be you, dress comfortably and have some fun. It’s just testing the waters so don’t make too much of it. Good luck!

      • Thank you, CL and Nord! I’m a gal! It was good. My x did such a number on my esteem in so many ways that I would spend hours a day in my head ruminating and believing I was undesirable and more.

        Tonight I met a lovely man. And he would like to see me again. I just want to move the lever back to where I feel good in my own skin and know that I’m fine just as I am.

        But, I have a long way to go and I’m so thankful to have found this chump group to help get through the struggle. And I hope I can be some help to others.

  • Good to focus on a new beginning even when mourning the shit endings. Nord, it is mind-boggling when you’re excluded. My X in-laws abroad are entertaining my daughter at the moment – I’m sure I’m “the elephant in the room” – they didn’t reply to my letter telling them about the divorce, wishing them well and saying goodbye!

    I was so down yesterday and just had this weird sense of my own drama of “being nice” to ward off criticism, rejection, abandonment etc. (Serendipitous link!) I had a real sense of my behaviour being connected to my difficult-to-please-for-all-sorts-of-reasons parents. (I won’t go into their grim upbringing but suffice to say I thought I had to be different to my children.) I now need to change that pattern with people around me.

    What about toxic givers? I think I’m a bit cautious about people who use giving as control. I’m usually so grateful when someone shows a kindness that I don’t forget it but pay it back! I often put those people on a pedestal and then have a shock when it was just a short term tactic to hook me. I’m probably getting it wrong. My understanding is a work in progress!

    • Giving as control…that’s my MIL in a nutshell. She gives with a smile on her face but ti’s a was to get what she wants. to control all situations, and now that I’m out of it and watching how she does things with STBX and OW, along with my kids, I can see it so clearly-in a way I couldn’t when I was in the thick of things. I felt uneasy at times but kept telling myself ‘but she’s so nice, they’re so nice, they just want to help me!’. Maybe they did but they wanted to ‘help’ me in order to control me. Once they saw that I was not going to be controlled in the wake of the infidelity (meaning I wouldn’t go along with the nice stories about the marriage simply falling apart or coming to a natural end) they more or less bailed.

      It’s all a big learning curve and boy, am I learning! Hard to believe I made it to this age without learning some hard lessons about people. But then we deal with what we’ve got and make the best of it and try to be happy, right? That’s maybe our issue – stop settling for bullshit.

  • I’ve made it through Dday, my stbxw moving in with OM, crafting the divorce agreement, and the court date. Now it’s just a matter of waiting until 2/26/13 for it to be final.

    All of those things were the major hurdles in my mind and now they’re behind me. I’m NC with her exept for child issues, and am detaching a little more every day. I rarely miss her, and it’s only been 8 months.

    It’s so coincidental that CL posted on this subject. Lately, I’ve started looking forward to a new beginning as opposed to pining away over the dead past and the anger of her betrayal. My rose colored glasses came off a few weeks ago, and I realize our marriage wasn’t that great aside from her cheating.

    Anyway, quick story. My grown son asked me to play touch football yesterday, I’m 51, in good shape still, but my days of playing football with 20 somethings is rapidly coming to an end. But I tell him sure, I’ll play. It’s misting, muddy and cold. I’m starting to regret this decision.

    Then this cute 24 yo girl shows up in spandex. She’s running around, having a great time, laughing… now I have no interest in someone that young (and I’m sure that she has no interest in an old guy lol), but she was nice to look at, friendly and full of life.

    It lifted my spirits so much. Being around her and all those young people, being out the fresh air, even the mist in my face. I felt alive for the first time since all the pain started 8 months ago. And young April running around in her tight pants….. I’m thinking I’m not dead yet, and I’m not too much different from those young people. A new beginning… maybe if I add 10 years to 24? Hmm…

    • Jeff:

      Glad you are realizing your marriage wasn’t really all that good aside from the cheating.

      Whenever I get sentimental about my STBX I go read all the cheater’s posts at the Doccool website.

      It’s such an eye opener into their delusional selfish mindsets.

      It also show how much energy cheaters put into their affair while ignoring their spouse.

      Here’s a link to a page about one cheating gal who is lamenting that she and her married cheating man may have been busted. Note how they talk about the poor traumatized wife, and even ridicule her.

      So sad.

      http://www.doccool.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=6468&start=10

      • Okay, I looked at that site — who the hell are those people? Seriously? I read half of one page of that psychotic cheater drivel and couldn’t stomach the rest. Judging by the avatars they choose for themselves, it’s a bunch of skankosauroses. Your butt and a tramp stamp? Really?

        I guess there’s a chat room for everyone. Egads.

        • I read it and started laughing because the people were so ridiculous. This is how they want to live their lives? Don’t they have anything else to give them excitement besides craving the drama of sneaking around? A hobby, maybe?

        • Chumplady and all who visited that site.

          Note how her thread seems to have abruptly stopped.

          Me thinks her OM dropped the OW like a hot turd, like a majority do. I mean seriously even a cheater doesn’t want to be stuck with a married cheater.

          Yep, the slutty Avatars, say it all. Geesh, why don’t the woman just go work at the pussycat ranch in Nevada.

          As for the men, well the Married men cheaters, well they are sluts too. I don’t have a double standard.

          I too can only stomach reading those posts briefly. The pining cheaters are so delusional about themselves and life in general.

          How these people respect themselves and live with themselves is beyond me.

      • I cannot believe the way those people are talking on that forum. Wow. Really ugly stuff.

        And these are the sorts of men and women that betrayed spouses struggle to reconicle with. How can that kind of crap NOT be a deal breaker?

    • Jeff, stay away from the young ‘uns’. Even 30’s seems a tad on the young side for a man of your maturity. Find a woman you can share your life with who is at more or less the same stage. You’ll then probably find long-term happiness.

  • CL I love “Jack you’re dead”! Tough to read that website, Sara. Selfish sums it up. My STBXW said something the other day that all I could do was shake my head at (I no longer respond to her drivel), it was ” I would never do anything to hurt my daughter.” Wow.

    • Yes, STBX blathers on that way as well. ‘I love my children and will always be there for them’. Really? Like the numerous times you blow them off to go to parties or whatever with OW? Huh. He’s losing his kids because he puts them after his needs and OW’s needs and pretty much everyone’s needs. He hurt them so deeply and to this day blames me. He even whips out the ‘they’ll know the truth one day about you’. Yes, that I was here for them, didn’t drag other people into their lives, didn’t hurt them horribly, didn’t tell them to ‘get over it’ a week after I threw him out, didn’t scream at them for not accepting OW, didn’t tell them I’m a useless piece of of gold digging shit because I don’t have a job yet after many years of being a SAHM…..the list is endless and yes, I’m sure they’ll see the truth one day.

      Sheesh. Just writing that makes me remember what a dickhead he is.

      • They’ll know the truth about YOU some day?

        Classic cheater projection. No, he’s scared they will know the truth about HIM some day.

        Projection is sooo weird. These freaks do it all. the. time.

        • Yes, CL, they’ll know the truth! Hahahaha…I’m sure his parents will back him up but since they’re as disordered as he is (both cheaters) I’m slowly cluing the kids in. My younger one gets it better than my older one, for some weird reason. The older one, after being verbally abused by his idiot father for a year over not accepting OW, is now just desperate to have his father be nice to him so goes along with a lot of things. Or he was going along. This past week, after TBX blew off an event again in order to see OW, my kid got his balls together and had a real a-ha moment. He said ‘you know what, mum? The only way to get dad to do anything is to ignore him and make him feel like you don’t care. Then he gives his attention and I can control the situation.’ Excellent. Thanks STBX, you’ve taught you son how to manipulate people. Well done!

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