I’ve got a great book to recommend and it’s not about infidelity per se — it’s about sociopaths — Jon Ronson’s “The Pyschopath Test.” (I put it up in the Amazon box in the right-hand corner, check it out!). If not the most informative book I’ve read on personality disorders, it’s absolutely the most entertaining. Which is not to say Ronson makes light of the freaks. His WTF candor about trying to understand what makes their little empathy-deficient brains tick, totally underscores how perplexing and terrifying they indeed are.
Ronson skips along on a survey course of sociopaths (aka psychopaths). He interviews them in prisons and madhouses, interviews the scientists that study them, and then he wanders into the belly of the beast itself — Wall Street. The most chilling interview in the book, I thought, was with the former CEO of the Sunbeam corporation. Robert Hare, the pioneer researcher on sociopathy, is a prominent character in the book and discusses how thinks sociopaths are particularly drawn to finance.
I found the book actually very enlightening on the subject of infidelity, even though that particular “lack of empathy” feature isn’t showcased. But the peculiar mindfucks of the disordered may be familiar to you — they sure were leaping off the page for me. Here’s an excerpt about how sociopaths process “sadness” and distress. Tell me if you can relate! Ronson is talking with Robert (Bob) Hare about “shallow affect” (one of the checklist items on his list). Ronson is asking Hare if the CEO isn’t really a sociopath because he grieved when his dog died.
“Oh that’s quite common,” said Bob.
“Really?” I said, brightening.
“Dogs are a possession,” Bob explained. “Dogs — if you have the right dog — are extremely loyal. They’re like a slave, right? They do everything you want them to. So yeah, he cried his eyes out when his dog died. Would he cry his eyes out if his cat died?”
I narrowed my eyes. “I don’t think he has a cat,” I said, nodding slowly.
“He’d probably cry his eyes out if he got a dent in his car,” said Bob. “If he had a Ferrari or a Porsche — and he probably does — and someone scratched it and kicked it, he’d probably go out of his mind and want to kill the guy. So yeah, the psychopath might cry when his dog dies and you think that’s misplaced because he doesn’t cry when his daughter dies.”
I was having an a-hah moment reading this, because as I write here, it solidifies my opinion that we are of USE to serial cheaters, and the crocodile tears at the marriage ending are because they are losing a good possession — a loyal servant. Good suckers are hard to find, and it’s so much work grooming another one. The whole disconnect at grieving the wrong things — the thingness and not the person-ness — resonated with me.
If you’ve already read it — I’m curious what you think. Comment and let me know!
Just looked it up and it’s got great reviews so ordered it. Funny thing is that years and years ago, long before STBX, I dated a musician. He was fun and cool and, you know, A MUSICIAN-which was super cool when I was young. Anyway, early on he had a guitar stolen when the band stopped to eat after a gig. He showed up at my house crying in the middle of teh night and I remember thinking how odd his tears were, almost not genuine, which put me off him a bit and I never really fell hard for him. And when I finally dumped him he wrote a song ‘about’ me, which was really all about him.
Yeah, I’m looking forward to reading this book.
When a person hears psychopath, they always think in the extreme, like serial killers.
The same goes for the word Sociopath. They always think of some person with an aberant personality, who can’t get along with anyone or hold a job and robs people.
It’s sad that there are psychopaths and sociopaths everywhere, and depending on the spectrum they fall in, some have a knack for blending into society all to well. They can be charming and are masters at targeting people who they can use or bamboozle.
I firmly beleive that the stats on personality disorders severely underestimate the prevalence of all the cluster B’s, including sociopathy. I see a lot of these folks, now.
As Sara points out, very few rise to the level of serial killers etc. But, they do leave a trail of destruction in their wake.
These folks are extemely selfish, shockingly so. And, they have almost no empathy. But, they can be charming.
Most of their crap goes on behind closed doors and others will not understand or beleive you about their doings. They are accomplished at presenting an image.
I was married 22 years to someone who never–NEVER–teared up at movies, old songs, holidays, arguments, family health crises, or any other time. With the help of a barrell of spackle, I saw this as her being incredibly well-adjusted, strong, unafflicted with the sentimentality she belittled me for indulging. Then I found out about at least 12 years of affairs and got ZERO tears from her and after a little therapy figured out: this woman is a freaking sociopath! She is *incaple* of empathy. Lacks the emotional clutch needed to find that mental gear.
A relief to finally know the spackle-free truth, but scary to think how many “crazy drivers” there are out there and how many folks they run right over.
Yeah, on dday, when I discovered all the affairs and left the room to go cry on the terrace, STBX came out and said ‘Stop crying, it’s not that bad’. I should have kicked him in the throat right then.
Wow. What must that idiot think qualifies as “bad?!?!”
Yeah, a kick in the throat–followed by cutting off his balls and setting his hair on fire sounds like a measured response. And after you doused his smoldering head with a bucket of cat urine and he’s laying there wimpering, you could’ve remarked that, hey, “it’s not that bad.”
Note to self: God, I’m glad I can post like that here and not have to worry about those be-kind-to-those-poor-suffering-waywards SI mods!
I can’t believe I’ve not yet been banned there. I’m pretty brutal with people these days when I hear them wondering how to ‘get back the cheater’. I understand the mindset because, hell, I went through that as well and, if I must admit, in the few very low moments a year out I wonder how in hell this happened and why–but then I kick myself in the throat and remember that he’s a total douche and no, why would any of us want a cheater and liar in our lives?
Sorry…feeling ramblly today…if that’s even a word.
I hate that place. It’s like the epitome of the blind leading the blind.
Do you know what occurred to me not long ago? All the AP bashing that goes on over there: that BSs unwittingly enable, endorse, encourage and sometimes *demand* this sociopathic behavior from their Cheaters. HELLO???
This is not a popular opinion, but when my XWH started that crap, I made him apologize to his OW. I didn’t want to be married to someone who can tell another he loves them, woos them, tells them he wants to run away with them & start a new life for a year and then suddenly decides, hey no, it’s gonna cost me a lot more money if I divorce this one to be with you. Sorry, I used you, but now I am going to have to claim you’re a crazy bitch to save my ass over here.
Well, as it turned out, I didn’t want to be married to him for another reason: he fucked someone else for a year. Even his mother was against R â€“ ” you know what they say, dear, if he can’t be nice the waiter …”
That is one of the reasons why I stay out of the wayward forum there. Some of the waywards there set my hair on fire. Especially the ones who claim to be reformed but have only succeeded in putting a thin coating of “contrite” over their fucked up thinking.
I honestly believe that someone who goes through such great lengths to cheat, LTA, multiple partners, gas lightening for weeks and months, etc. is not a good candidate for real and lasting change.
I think they may be able to twist themselves into appearing normal for a while. But when push comes to shove, they go back to being who they really are – one of the sociopaths in this book.
Why should a BS be encouraged to waste their life being on guard for when the other crazy drops.
Bunk, I think that I may have fallen in love with you just now!
I have to tell you, I was thinking that the entire leading one’s Wayward around by a ring in his/her nose to prove that they’ve chosen you over their affair partner is really quite tragic and embarrassing.
Moreover, I have long wondered if the wayward forum there is just another way for egocentric kibble-searchers to in some way get their ego snacks that way. They’ve traded one secret affair partner for thousands of people who are willing to weigh in on their musings. And it is fully sanctioned, nay – required, by their long-suffering BSs. *eye rolling alert*
What really sealed the deal for me was that one dude, Huff and Puff or whatever, who was the shining light of good hope and the WS against which all other WSs were measured and found lacking, and yet… somehow he got himself re-entangled. He epitomizes what ThatGirl is talking about above. Thin veneer under which is a seething mess of insecurity and selfishness.
Figure it out: Many of those SI WSs spent hours writing and texting emails to their affair partners, and these masterpieces of purple prose were lauded by the affair partner as the best thing, in like, EVER. So now the FWSs are just writing their shit publicly and getting the same kind of attention. There is no self reflection there. None. They may seem better because they are getting their external validation in a different way. When they get bored with posting at SI, they will go back to getting their kibbles the old-fashioned way — their cube mate at work or whatever.
Unless they face consequences and actually really work on themselves they will cheat again. Because they fill up the holes in their souls with external validation. They do not self soothe. Show a cheater the door and maybe MAYBE he or she will change. Keep them in your bed and you are just asking for trouble.
Bunk said: “This is not a popular opinion, but when my XWH started that crap, I made him apologize to his OW. I didnâ€™t want to be married to someone who can tell another he loves them, woos them, tells them he wants to run away with them & start a new life for a year and then suddenly decides, hey no, itâ€™s gonna cost me a lot more money if I divorce this one to be with you. Sorry, I used you, but now I am going to have to claim youâ€™re a crazy bitch to save my ass over here. ”
I agree with you in concept, but in reality it really really hurt when my STBX, even though he ended the affair, refused to bad mouth the affair partner. He defended her, protected her, claimed she had a good heart, etc.
It was all very painful to hear and deal with. I was falling apart and he’s trying to tell me that the OW was a good women….WTF???????
He did later start to badmouth her, but that too annoyed me, as it did you, and for the same reasons you mentioned.
I think being cheated on just puts the hurt spouse in a no win situation and also the cheater can’t say or do anything that seems right so no matter how he/she behaves toward the affair partner it’s going to annoy the hurt spouse.
In my case, though, I was able to console my self with the fact that the other women, was a serial cheater, who stalked my STBX, contacted first and she is the one who initiated the first date. I saw the texts. She is also pushed for sex and in many texts my STBX was trying to break things off with her. But she amped up the ego kibbles and the sex talk. Her emails and texts were like reading a silly porn novel a really triple x rated one.
That is why I even bothered with attempting to reconcile. It was his ongoing disrespectful behavior that proved to me the reconciliation was false.
I have actually met couples at an in-person support group who reconciled after one spouse had an affair.
They do seem to be doing well, at least on the surface, but I wouldn’t say the hurt spouse seems happier. There always seems to be an ethereal sadness emanating from the hurt spouse in reconciled relationships.
Sara8, you said: In my case, though, I was able to console my self with the fact that the other women, was a serial cheater, who stalked my STBX, contacted first and she is the one who initiated the first date. I saw the texts. She is also pushed for sex and in many texts my STBX was trying to break things off with her. But she amped up the ego kibbles and the sex talk. Her emails and texts were like reading a silly porn novel a really triple x rated one.
This line of thinking is problematic for me (and trust me, I have been there, as well). You are giving the cheater an automatic out. That temptress! Her super-skank powers were just too strong for my poor lamb – he ‘tried’ to break it off. Nope. He did not.
& yep, it hurts when they defend the AP, it annoys when they start hating on them because it’s blameshifting and more justification – I see the AP for what they are now, see how I’m growing up, Mommy? Am I a good boy, can we go back to the way things were, now, Mommy? Ugh. I was always better than the AP, I just didn’t know it. You’re right to keep me.
You do this as justification for trying to reconcile with a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I did it, too, don’t get me wrong. There are all sorts of ways we do this …
I think a lot of BSs go through what Chump Lady describes as the Skein of Fuckedupness. Take your pick: Mid life crisis, poor coping mechanisms, poor boundaries, FOO issues …. all this gives the Cheater an out, a way to shift the blame and gives us BSs a justification for staying.
This wears off – or should – when a year into R they are caught lying again ‘over stupid stuff.’ HELLO???? Liars do NOT respect the people they lie to. Period.
That’s all I have time to write at the moment. But, as usual, I have a lot more to say.
Yeah.. when I finally broke down and started to cry, sob actually, my x was standing behind me checking his voice mail. He then walked outside and called his brother to have an argument with him, which he then wanted me to commiserate with him about.
Actually, that whole thing helped in a weird way. That was the last time I EVER cried in front of him. Fuck him. he wasn’t getting that satisfaction again.
You got kind of lucky, in a way tamara â€“ my X can cry on demand! It’s so convincing, it’s downright frightening! Took me a lot longer to catch on.
Bunk you said: “This line of thinking is problematic for me (and trust me, I have been there, as well). You are giving the cheater an automatic out. That temptress! Her super-skank powers were just too strong for my poor lamb â€“ he â€˜triedâ€™ to break it off. Nope. He did not. ”
Bunk, Oh I agree with you 100 percent. And, after the initial shock, I no longer gave him that out. I told him, he still had the choice to break it off every where along the line.
That’s why I am no longer a big supporter of people rushing to reconcile. As mentioned the hurt spouse is in a no win situation in which nothing the cheater says will make them feel better. ….whether the cheater defends Affair partner or trashes them, both caused harm to the hurt spouse.
IMO, real reconciliations are very very rare. And, even if it is a real one, the hurt spouse is forever damaged and on guard.
Gotta agree with Bunk, Sara. If you think your H was “trying to break it off”, I have some beachfront property in AZ you might be interested in.
Nevertheless, I do think men are more prone to seek sexual variety, and if a women is throwing themselves at a married man and promising no strings sex, at least as a lure, it is tempting.
It really is basic psychology for men to desire variety whereas normal women desire nesting and stability. So, IMO, the MOW is more likely to be character disordered for cheating than a man.
The preponderance of the studies show it is rare for a women to cheat solely for sexual variety. They are typically looking to change out their spouse or to have some emotional need or ego deficit fed.
I agree, though, he could have just said “no”, as I did many many times to men who were extremely sexually aggressive towards me sexually. Some outright asking for affairs and such. Even when I was physically attracted to them, I had the foresight to know that a tryst would destroy my spouse.
Again, though, The married other woman who make themselves so available to the men are a huge part of the problem in the rise of cheating.
Also I haunt Married other women forums and they talk about how they are competitive toward the wives and part of the thrill is stealing the married man from the wife or even luring him into having sex.
Most of these women do not want to have sex with their own spouses because after a few years the thrill of the new has worn off. But they are also unhappy in the marriage and on the make for a new spouse whom they stupidly believe will make them happy. They don’t realize they are really unhappy with themselves not their spouse.
On these forums the women also talk about how they have sex with their affair partner and than take pleasure in instigating sloppy seconds sex with their unsuspecting spouses.
My STBX avoided sex with me during his affair, and never instigated sex on the nights he came home late and was obviously with the OW.
Also, the women are more invested in the affair partner. I see it time and time again, where once outed the Married man drops the affair partner like a hot potato, but the married other women cling to the relationship and stalk the married man and torment and taunt his wife, as the OW in my Soon to be ex husband’s case did.
After dday, she was ALWAYS THE one who contacted him, and yes he did respond, but it was based on the VARS, mostly to tell her to stay out of his life and to leave me alone because she was contacting me and following me and asking him what was better about me than her .
So, I am not forgiving him, and I still know I can never get past the deception of his affair, no matter what he does.
Still I do think the MOW was a predator and was part of the reason reconciliation failed. Had she not continued contacting him, he would never have contacted her. That was clear in the texts, emails, and recordings.
Also, since her husband also filed and her lifestyle has degraded, I am getting a lot of pleasure out of knowing of her misery. Sad, I know, but honest.
I was also married 23’years, together 25 years, who NEVER cried (1 time in the first year we were together) and ALWAYS made fun of me and belittled me for me being “sensitive”. Yes, I cry at movies or books, when a pet dies, when NORMAL people would. Now that I am not spakeling my looser ex I have come to realize he is not capable of empathy or compassion. When our family dog of 12.5 years got bloat and the vet said he had to be put to sleep withing the hour because of the suffering, this was at 10 in the morning, I texted my ex if he wanted to come and say good bye. He actually texted back asking if it couldn’t wait until 2:30 when it better into his schedule! Unbelievable. Yes the dog should suffer in agony for many hours until it is convenient for me for him to die. And of course he never shed a tear. He is very uncomfortable if anyone ever shoes emotion. So glad that looser is gone.
It all atarts to make sense(wel, sort of) once you start reading about NPD etc.
To me , it was , really, amazing. There actually was some sort of formal diagnoses for my XW, a category, and there are others out there like her.
I used to wonder “how does she justify this stuff” or “why dies she want to make life so hard all the time”. Little things would set her off on a rampage. And, she would just steamroll people with no remorse.
The problem is that so many of us are unaware that this type of personality even exists, and we gloss over the limited red flags we are shown in courtship.
Hey Arnold~ Check this.
Every time I start to feel a sense of loss, I read this, and I remember how bad it really was, and how much I glossed over.
Interesting list and STBX ticks a bunch of those boxes, particularly the ones about reacting with narcissistic rage when confronted about his behaviour (and how!), along with the lack of any real empathy for anyone else. He has cried a few times, which had me completely confused until I realised that the words that went along with his crying were all about him and how hard this was and how he felt and his emotions and him, him him. Then I got it: he’s crying because he’s been found out. The rage followed swiftly on the heels of the crying.
I started mentally checking things off that list …. then I fell asleep. Zzzzz
Sad when your hand gets tired from so many ticks in the boxes, eh? 🙂
My x not only was one, he knew it and towards the end really allowed me to see it. He spoke of his masks, he was a genius, he became involved with me becasue of my line of work and then copied me and my knowledge to use against his xw. He liked watching shows about tv evangelists and their mesmerizing hold over people so he could copy how they manipulated and controlled others. He would never watch anything violent and I understood that he knew he would inadvertently internalize it and that would be too dangerous for him. He didn’t mind violence and in fact was an emotionally violent man. He just didn’t want to go to jail! He wanted to mind-fuck. And serial fuck women and control them,
The night I became aware, or able to finally face what I knew, I sobbed and sobbed. Him? He jauntily told me he bought a new pair of sneakers so he could walk everyday with his new love and was giving up salt, to get in better shape, etc. He couldn’t help telling me.
Those last few months he really showed me his internal world and I wonder if he wanted to be truly seen for who he was? It must be lonely never being truly known. Of course, now I’m putting my take on it! Maybe he was tired of pretending in front of me and got sloppy because I no longer had any value? At any rate, I never confronted him. I understood I needed to keep myself safe.
Oh my. Shortly after dday STBX came by to get something and whipped out a bag to show me all his new ‘facial products’. He was like a little kid showing off new toys. I was a shattered wreck. What a dickhead.
Exactly, Nord! Zero empathy. Mine also said he had an attachment disorder. He attaches fast to the new prize!
When I caught my husband cheating on me, his only two words to me were “You Mad?” said all singsongy. He’s a complete Narcissist, and I am so glad to be rid of him and his lies.
Wow…that is some freaky scary stuff. I’m glad you got away.
I’ll never truly get away. We have kids and right now, until I sort out my career, he’s got control of the finances. but I’m working hard on sorting that out. What a dickhead.
I’ll have to read this one. I always felt it was strange how through this whole process, he never showed any emotion, any remorse or empathy, or any understanding of what his actions caused. He was so blase’ about it, like no big deal.
When the psych told me about his total lack of remorse and emotion, it really hit home how empty inside he was – like subhuman. Before, I had wondered if it was me vilifying him because of the hurt and damage, but hearing it from an outside impartial source who I had never met really helped sink the message home that it was true.
The one thing I hadn’t been able to reconcile yet, was how he treated the kids. Before D-Day, he tolerated them. Was nice to them, but never took them out by himself or bought them presents. It was always me planning the outings, doing the parties, buying the presents – he’d just show up. After D-day, he got VERY concerned about his access to the kids, and how often he’d get them and spend time with them. It was weird, but I was happy because I thought maybe he was finally going to be a good father to them. But it never really fit well with how he treated me, and his lack of empathy, and I wondered if he could be a sociopath while still being able to love the kids.
But ChumpLady, the part above when you wrote about how they see a person as a “thing” rather than a person strikes true. Perhaps they are only possessions to him – something that makes him look normal to the world, and he doesn’t want to lose that front? It would make sense.
“The one thing I hadnâ€™t been able to reconcile yet, was how he treated the kids. Before D-Day, he tolerated them. Was nice to them, but never took them out by himself or bought them presents. It was always me planning the outings, doing the parties, buying the presents â€“ heâ€™d just show up. After D-day, he got VERY concerned about his access to the kids, and how often heâ€™d get them and spend time with them. It was weird, but I was happy because I thought maybe he was finally going to be a good father to them. But it never really fit well with how he treated me, and his lack of empathy, and I wondered if he could be a sociopath while still being able to love the kids.
“But ChumpLady, the part above when you wrote about how they see a person as a â€œthingâ€ rather than a person strikes true. Perhaps they are only possessions to him â€“ something that makes him look normal to the world, and he doesnâ€™t want to lose that front? It would make sense.”
Dawn, same here. I was very much a single parent, and I often felt like I had to constantly redirect the kids away from him so that they wouldn’t disturb him. He really acted as though he was tolerating a nuisance when it came to our kids.
He said almost what I quoted you saying at one point– he felt I was “denying [him] access to the kids” when he wanted to take them on a trip not long after DDay that I felt should be postponed (not canceled). I totally agree with the idea of his family life being part of the facade he needs to look normal. I think he only takes the kids for visitation because he doesn’t want his parents to disapprove. It is my dearest hope that he is genuinely good to them on the weekends he has them and does his best to relate to them. They haven’t told me any horror stories, so I’m hoping that the amount of time they spend with him is enough that they feel they’re getting time with their dad, and it’s not too much so that he gets annoyed with them.
I’d be curious to know the ages of your kids. Narcissistic people often are very attentive parents to little kids. The trick is that the kids are little, plastic, malleable. Little kids also forget (or seem to), so the flawed narcissistic parent (n-parent) can blow up at them and the next morning, the kids will seem to have forgotten. Little kids can be dressed up like dolls, intimidated and controlled. N-parents are often good at the basic “training” part of parenting, since they are frequently trying to sculpt little images of themselves.
When the kids grow up, become individuals, don’t just forgive and forget, fight back, develop their own ideas, the n-parents have a tough time with that. N-parents, when they divorce, may well want to be seen by others as having been a good parent. The kids are, then, like a badge the divorcing n-parent wears that says to the world, “See, I’m really a good parent,” even if they were not (especially if they were not). Finally, n-people like power, and fighting over custody is about power.
So, I’d ask how old your children are. I think if you are dealing with an n-person, his interest will be more in public image than in the kids as individuals. Real parenting means taking a back seat to your kids and supporting them.
There’s lots of good books out there on narcissism. It’s worth learning about. It’s structural and such people do not change. Best to set strong limits with them if you can’t get away. And to get away from them if you can. There are decent people out there, folks with flaws but also folks who can be sorry, who have a capacity to see themselves and folks who want to do better. You can often find nice people, I am discovering, in little community groups like Toastmasters, etc.
Y’all are creeping me out!
I think I might need to read more about this. Can these folks be rehabbed??
No. Their brains are wired wrong.
Oh! And in the book, there is an amazing chapter about these scientists who did try to rehab sociopaths and what happened, but I won’t spoil it for you.
But yeah, it’s best to keep your human emotions in check around these nutters.
Ugh. A loyal servant.
That sounds way too familiar– and not just for cleaning, cooking, and raising the kids. Sex also comes to mind.
My ex and I used to have what I called “fire hydrant sex.” Whenever there was a situation that somehow could be seen as a threat to his total control over me, whether it was something all consuming with my kids, someone at my work (a restaurant and bar I owned) interested in me or me somehow gaining an opportunity to better myself or my circumstances, he would want wild sex. Like, right then. I always felt like he had somehow lifted his leg and marked his territory. Then I read a description in an online article by Dr. Ken Griffith about disordered characters:
“Sexually curious or active. Places great importance on his sexual abilities. Female sexual partner often feels used and demanded of.”
yup. That’s it.
Dear Madame Chump Lady,
Thanks for an excellent reply to my last email (on when the spousal slut winds up with a psych. diagnosis. I’m going to enter Amazon State of Grieving long enough to buy the psychopath book recommended here.
Off that topic, but not entirely. I was out to dinner with two lawyers yesterday and the idea of suing (criminally in the case of the few states where adultery is still illegal) and civilly for damages in states where adultery is not illegal the CS and OW (or OM). Especially for quasi public figures this, it seems to me, could be a good trend. Based on what I am seeing in my own life and in the lives of others, this is very often a feminist issue. Woman stays home, puts career on hold to raise kids, stops watching the money. (Even rich men can’t pay the proper hourly rate for really good child rearing) and winds up starting her life all over again in middle age. Yet wehave this “Sex in the City” notion that having sex with other people’s spouses is par for the course. It seems to me some very interesting precedent could be set buy adultery cases filed against OW and that karma could be helped along by this. I’m a law school student now and am very interested in this. What do you think? Have you addressed this issue in your columns (and somehow I missed it?)
I was thinking exactly this, today. Then I find your post.
I do think it might be time to address the possibility of suing for alienation of affections in civil court.
I know it’s rare to win but if more people faced this consequence it might put a damper on the affair fantasy and high. Maybe winning shouldn’t need to be the issue, since I read it’s so difficult to win such cases, but dragging them into court might discourage others.
I would love to sue the OW and I could care less if the OW’s husband sued my STBX. In fact I wish he would.
I wish the laws about such suits would be changed, given the recent rise in affairs in the past ten years.
I did a little reading on the law suit deal. Most states have abolished alienation of affection as a cause of action. It is viable in a few states.
Same with suing the OW or OM for intentional or negiligent infliction of emotional distress. Most jurisdictions just treat that type of case as an alienation claim and throw them out, I guess.
But, in cases where there is some type of relationship between the betrayed and the Om/OW, like when it is a marriage counselor that cheats with your spouse/client, these cases have some steam.
I think you may also be able to sue your cheating spouse for intentional or negligent infliction of emotional distress. I will look inot that.
OMG, u were all married to my ex.
How ironic… my narcissistic serial cheater ex was once interviewed by Jon Ronson. Seriously. For an article in GQ. In fact it was the night I went into the hospital to be induced to give birth to our son (ex was so detached from the pregnancy he found out that night I was being induced because his mother told him.) I wonder if Ronson saw him for what he is… probably not. I’m sure he was quite sparkly.