One of the biggest mindfucks cake eaters play is this notion that gosh, they were going to be a properly repentant spouse, but you just didn’t give them enough time. They were coming around! But no, you dumped them before they got there. And won’t you be sorry! Because they’re going to be perfect for the next lucky person! All therapied up and sorry. They love you, but hey, they just couldn’t deal with your anger and impatience. Every time they summoned up the courage to share their soft, squishy brokenness with you, their vulnerable little underbelly, you were just too horrid. And so they couldn’t. These Things Take Time. Too bad you’re a quitter.
But now you’ll never know the true wonderfulness of them! You’ll never be one of those reconciliation success stories!
Spend any time on infidelity forums and you will see this mindfuck played over and over and over again. A bunch of chumps and cake enablers telling the mindfuckee — “No wait! They’re coming out of the fog! I think I see it clearing!”
Like a bunch of true believers waiting for the Great Pumpkin.
Here’s the deal — this is a ploy for CAKE. Sorry is as sorry does. Remorse is not a tender hot house flower that needs special care and only blooms once every hundred years if you mist it properly and plant it against a southern facing wall. It’s either exists or it doesn’t.
The cheater turning their lack of remorse back on the betrayed spouse is blame shifting pure and simple — well, I would’ve been sorry had it not been for your anger. The problem then of course is not what they did — it is your reaction to it. See how that works?
The cheater keeps waiting and waiting for you to have the proper deference to them, if stars align and the winds are favorable, then maybe they’ll show that “remorse.” Keep you hooked a bit longer. Give you something to post on over there at the reconciliation forums. He sent me flowers! She had sex with me! He teared up and said he really hates living like this! She said she doesn’t want to lose her family!
Meanwhile they eat cake. They’ll consent to be dragged off to therapy or read an article or two, or throw you a kibble if you really insist, if that’s what it takes to maintain cake. The only time they really get dramatic is when you’re acting truly done. What?! You’re leaving? But they were working so hard on the relationship! They read like an entire chapter of one those books you left lying around, on their nightstand, in their briefcase, shoved next to their breakfast cereal each morning. God, you’re expecting too much too soon! Did you wait the requisite 6 months/one year/eternity before making a decision to leave?
(What agent of Satan devises those time lines any way? Would we say this to people being physically abused? Oh just give it a year and see if he stops hitting you. But with cheating or, excuse me, “sex addiction,” just wait around and wait for an STD or two…)
This shit just tortures chumps. God, we question ourselves, our commitment, our resolve — and rarely turn it back on the cheater. HEY! This isn’t about MY lack of commitment — it’s about YOURS. I don’t owe you JACK.
The problem is we don’t trust that they suck. Part of us believes that the minute we turn our backs and give up, is the same minute they’re going to morph into that sparkly person we miss, the mirage, the remorseful person, the committed person. And then, worse! They’re going to take that new and improved and expensively therapied self and give it to the AFFAIR PARTNER! NoooOOooo! All that investment, lost!
It was already lost, chumps. Remember — they suck.
Vagueness, lack of real effort, fleeting “remorse,” all means one thing, they’re not serious. Cheaters know exactly what they’re doing and why — they’re manipulating you for cake. The sooner you see that, the sooner the “fog” clears. Not the cheater’s “fog” — but yours.