I appreciate that you read here, I appreciate your support of the site, I am moved every day at your compassion for your fellow chumps and the wisdom that you share with each other.
But I want to get one thing straight about my site — it’s about LEAVING cheaters. See? Says so, right up there at the banner and the cartoon — Leave a cheater, gain a life. That’s my point of view and I’m pretty unapologetic about it. Everyone is welcome to read here and be part of this community. EVERYONE. Chumps, cheaters, reconcilers, unicorn chasers, kids of cheaters. It’s a big tent, and you’re all welcome under it — so long as you keep a civil tongue. Infidelity is a subject that understandably riles people up. It’s painful. The entire process of discovery and sorting your life out afterwards sucks donkey balls. You have my deepest BTDT sympathies, I hope you know this.
But I want to be clear — if someone posts a comment you don’t agree with, or offends you — make an articulate counter argument, ignore it, or find another blog to read. But don’t get ugly, or you’re gone. No “fuck you’s” at fellow chumps. Just had an instance of this weekend and I edited it out. I can delete your comments, by the way. WordPress comes with an edit function.
The flashpoints seem to be around instances of — surprise — leaving cheaters.
Now, you might find this hypocritical of me, as I was the original chump — four DDays, can you top me? — but I don’t have a lot of patience for willful chumpiness these days. That’s the POINT of this site. To be the bucket of cold water. The threaded pipe. The 2×4 of common sense leveled upside your head. I am here to say — LEAVE the motherfucker. There are a bunch of places on the internet where you will get handholding, and people who will vacillate with you on the merits of staying with a cheater — but Chump Lady is not one of them.
Sympathy feels good. 2x4s not so much. I know the process is fraught and no one “gets it” over night. No one is going to beat you up here for being a chump — but if you want to STAY a chump? Yes, you’re going to get called out on that. I know every addict excuse there is to take a toke on the crackpipe of hope — I lived it. I want chumps to move forward, to have faith in themselves that it GETS BETTER. To draw boundaries and enforce consequences, hard as that is.
I will be your biggest cheerleader if you want to get out of a toxic relationship. If you want to stay stuck in one? I can’t help you. Direct yourself over to Marriage Builders or some such.
Sorry to go all school marm on you guys, but the blog is growing and we’re getting more voices here every day. I think you chumps are inspirational, and I deeply value your participation on this site. After the spot of ugliness this weekend, however, I wanted to be clear about the message here. And to let readers know that I will ensure that all commentary here remains safe and respectful — but that doesn’t mean the message (leave a cheater, gain a life) will be diluted.
Thanks for your understanding.