Dear Chump Lady,
My boyfriend and I dated and lived together from 1989 to 1994. I paid the house payment, utilities, groceries, etc. and not sure what he paid except he was paying child support for his 2 daughters. I found out he was cheating (for 6 months) with a lady who had a 2 year old and a six month old baby. I moved out and she immediately moved in and got pregnant. They married. At 30 years old I had to move home with my Mom and Dad. I was a mess for a long time.
When I turned 33 I decided to have a baby. I was not married but I had a really good job, I owned my home and had health insurance. I still talked to my ex from time to time and ended up having sex with him. I got pregnant and have the most amazing son ever. We had very little contact from that point, but he showed up at my house when my son was about 2. His wife had divorced him because he kissed the 16 year old babysitter. We saw each other for about 6 months when he went back to his ex-wife and moved out of state. Never heard from him during this time.
He showed back up when my son was 4 and we were together for the next 10 years. Told me how much he had missed and thought of me and my favorite “you are the love of my life.” We live about 30 miles apart so we saw him mainly on weekends. He lived in the same house we had lived in but couldn’t get the electric turned on because he still owned $600 on an old bill. I put his electric in my name PLUS his cell phone and wireless internet on my plan. I also paid his income tax from three years ago ($1,800.00) because they were sending letters about taking his stuff.
He is self-employed and was helping to raise his 2 boys (his son and the six month old). When he came for the weekend, I paid. When we went somewhere to eat or movies, etc., I paid. If he was short and needed a hundred, I gave it to him. I really didn’t mind because I thought we were going to be together forever. He was going to move in with me once his boys were out of school (they are 17 and 18 now).
A couple of weeks before Christmas he was acting strange and I got that old feeling. I checked the phone bill and there was this number that he called many, many times a day. When I asked him who it was, he said just a friend and she needed him because she was having a hard time with her teenage son. I told him I found it strange I didn’t know about her since they were just friends. They also hung out at a small bar where he lives.
I asked him if he wanted to date her and he told me, “I don’t think she would date me because I am so much older than her.” (He is 56 and she is 40). Wrong answer. He said he never slept with her but if “lusting after her was an affair then he guessed he was having an affair.” I did a little “pick me” that night, but he said he couldn’t decide. So I did.
I called him the next morning and told him I would cut off the phone and internet that afternoon and cut off the electricity in two days. He was pissed. He told his daughter that I was going thru menopause (I’m 48), refused to take medication (never even talked about it) and I yelled at my son constantly. All lies and he is pig shit. It has been 5 weeks and we have had no contact at all. He has never called to talk to our son (he is 14) and I can’t believe he just walked. I am pretty sure now he has had other women during this 10 year period.
Oh, the best part. The day before all this went down, I gave him $1,000.00 to buy supplies to do a job. I told him he could pay me back when he finished the job and got paid. HE NEVER SENT ME THE $1,000.00. I gave him the money on a Monday and we broke up on Tuesday. I am sure he spent my money on his new girlfriend and probably to get his electricity and phone. That was really shitty.
Now to my questions. I had my son knowing that I would be the one to always take care of him. I never asked pig shit for a dime and he never did anything financially (school clothes, supplies, etc.) for our son. Now I really, really want to file for child support. He would owe 14 years back child support plus the next 4. He lives in a dog house and has nothing so I am pretty sure I would never get it but I live in Texas and they would make sure it would cause him problems forever.
I do not need the money but I am so pissed I wasted 10 more years with this lying fucker. We talked about the pain and devastation the first affair caused me and all I asked was DO NOT CHEAT ON ME AGAIN. He promised. Lying pig shit.
Should I file for child support? My son really wants me to and so does my family and friends but I’m hesitating because it is strictly a revenge move. What do you think?
I think you’ve been severely mindfucked if you see child support as “revenge.” Child support is just that — financial support for children. But as Mr. Pigshit there has made a habit of never supporting anything or anyone, you see this as some sort of perverse punishment. Oh the injustice! The cruelty! Paying for a child I brought into the world! What fresh hell shall you visit on him next, Robin? Force him to pay his own cell phone bill?
Do not hesitate to file the paperwork. And don’t be daunted, as it can be a real pain in the ass to deal with child support enforcement paperwork (ask me how I know…) Just do it! You may not collect a nickel, seeing as he’s a dead beat and has several children with other women, but he has a legal responsibility — hold him to it.
If you collect (or even if you do not), invest in some therapy for yourself and your son especially. He’s 14 and his father walked out. That asshole modeled terrible things to him about relationships, especially how to be a parasite and disrespect women. But it was the father he knew and he’s been abandoned — he’ll need some shoring up.
Now I turn my attentions to you, Robin. You’ve not been modeling greatness yourself, my chump friend. Look, I know you’ve held the whole thing up yourself raising your son and being the breadwinner, but you let this idiot back into your life over and over again despite the VERY CLEAR signs that he is an utter douchebag. The serial cheating, the lying, the baby mommas. He wasn’t hiding his pig shittiness under a bushel, no, it’s been a candle burning bright since 1989.
He cheated on you, then you cheated with him on the other woman — that’s a hell of a “pick me” dance complete with pregnancies. Then the bastard walks out on you when your son was a toddler? Mr. Pigshit was pretty clear he wasn’t father material. Or relationship material. Here’s a deal — he’ll be your boyfriend if you pay all the bills. God, how special does he think he is?
But you accepted this crap, Robin. And you need to explore why you saw potential in pig shit. Why you made this idiot narcissist central in your life for 24 years. Work on those issues HARD, because Mr. Pigshit will be back. They always come back. You’re useful to him and you have confused your usefulness with love. I don’t want you relapsing!
You deserve healthy love, Robin. And it doesn’t look like this. Healthy love is based on RECIPROCITY. It’s okay to let others do for you — and you should expect that, especially financially. Pigshit was totally taking advantage of you. I’ve been that chump, Robin. I get it. You’re a kind person and you give because you have it to give. But that kind of lopsidedness does not sit well with good people. It sat well with Mr. Pigshit — that’s your first clue.
You are worthy of being loved right. I don’t mean to go all gooey and Oprah on you Robin, but do internalize that. You don’t have to accept shit — and compete for it with a pick me dance! You matter, and you can demand the things you deserve in this world — starting with child support. That it fucks up his life, well, that’s just a bonus. I hope the good child support officers of Texas are on their game and dispatch with your ex like they do the other feral pigs that roam the state. Best of luck to you, Robin.
i think absolutely you should file for child support.he should be responsible.everyone should.i fretted for about 3 years about filing for child support against my xw. i didnt want her to be homeless,i didnt want her to have her drivers license suspended.i didnt want her to go to jail,etc.etc.etc.
if you want to you could probably even wave the back child support.i did.
i was a total idiot and eventually told child support enforcement to leave her alone a year after i finally did file.(she promised to pay)
if you are yelling at your son you need to STOP IT.kids have enuff to deal with without crazymaking at home .
its not his fault that his father that his father is an asshole.of all the people who he should be able to turn to when the world comes cashing down around him its YOU his mother…
mark, I don’t think Robin is yelling at her son. He just encouraged her to get CS. That’s all. 🙂
File for support Robin,
It isn’t about extra money for you.
Your son is legally entitled to that financial support from his father. From the sounds of it, your son is certainly not going to get any sort of emotional support from his father, so at least dad should be required to contribute to the cost of therapy.
Sit down and write it all down while it is fresh in your mind. Dates, dollar amounts, etc.
You never know when you are going to need the details.
Get therapy for yourself and your son. And for the love of God, yes, file for child support and let the shit do something positive to support his son.
If you ever receive any money, and I personally think that’s a big if, if you are not comfortable spending the money, put it in savings for college tuition.
Really, its really, *really* the least this dbag can do for his son.
Wow, sounds just like my own Mr. Pigshit!! does he live in Kentucky! LOL
Any chance he might file for joint custody and ask you for child support? If I would you I would be thankful he is gone (for now) and let it go.
If I were you … not If I would you
Like KAI said I would file for child support but if it means he would file for joint custody then I wouldn’t ask for it. This man is like alcohol and your are the alcoholic. That is not said in a mean way. If and when my husband and I divorce I DO NOT want to see hima gain as I know I still have a place in my heart for him and he could get back in and break it all over again. See a therapist; you are an enabler and that is THE ONLY REASON why he keeps coming back to you; he KNOWS you will help him.
You were an enabler. Now, get yourself our of the mindset. Head to the same websites that support families of alcoholics. Get yourself out of that place and make sure he can’t come back. Luke 11:24-26 reads: “When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.”
You threw him out. Now he’s going to be looking for some other girl who will pay for his lifestyle. If he can’t find it he’ll come back to you. If you’re still open to his “charm” or you forgive him “for the sake of your child” (trust me these types of people love that line) then he’ll move back in. At first it may be better, but it will quickly get worse than it was before because he knows he can cross lines and you’ll still bankroll him.
Don’t be a place he can come back to. Don’t forbid him visitation as that will make you the bad guy, but make it clear you have no more room for him in your life or your bank account. He’ll look for a more comfortable place to rest.
That story is so upsetting. Please file the paperwork and make that bastard responsible for his child…at least financially. That is NOT revenge.
Also, please listen to CL. Please take the time to talk to a therapist. You need to learn why you are so willing to let someone else take advantage of you. Please figure out what is going on and BREAK THIS PATTERN!!! You can have a wonderful life, a wonderful future, but YOU need to get healthy too.
There is nothing vengeful about making your son’s father financially responsible for him. What if your son wants to go to college? Trade school? That money would definitely come in handy…if he can get it.
Good Luck. Please…take the time to make personal changes and work on yourself.
Get some counseling or something re the lack of self respect etc. Also, get the $$ for your kid.