Dear Chump Lady,
My husband and I have been married for 24 years. We both have been very happy until recently.
We met a young lady through our neighbor who needed work and we needed a job done. She came over several times to help me with a multimedia project. One day I asked my husband to please work with her because I needed to leave for a few hours for an appointment. When I returned home I sensed a change in the atmosphere. A week later, she and I had a moment alone, and she looked at me like she was going to cry. I didn’t give it much attention and directed her to our work.
We got through the day and I felt bad for not being available, so I offered to take her out next week to a dance class and spend some time as an older sister in her corner instead of our work day. As we drove to the dance class, she told me that she was attracted to my husband. That day I sensed something weird, she said after I left, she had burst into tears and he held her to comfort her. This isn’t unusual. My husband is a loving and nurturing man. He wouldn’t deny anyone his compassion and for this I love him. What DID bother me was she then said she found his hug very sexually exciting and she had to tell him. Then he told her he found her hug sexually exciting too! This is where I get PISSED OFF!
He then tried to comfort her by letting her know that not everything is as it seems when she said we had a perfect marriage. She told me, “He wants you to be more like me.” (She’s 27, I’m 56) and she “has sex all the time because that is what 27 year olds do!” She told him all kinds of things that she’s telling me, like she could cure any disease or deformity with plenty of sex. She had a heart to heart with him and she knew all about my private life and sex habits, which are normal for our age and longevity of marriage. Still I felt invaded. We are not into open affairs. I had thought we are always attentive to each others needs and if I’m not feeling it, I will still help him lovingly with some satisfaction.
According to them nothing happened. When I asked why he wouldn’t tell me about this, my husband said he hoped that things would just mellow out between them. I’m hurt by that and that this unbalanced girl thinks she is now the answer to all our problems — and it was she who alerted me to this situation. I think she ratted him out BEFORE anything could happen but now I wonder ………if he will be in this situation again. His father had a long cheating relationship while married to my mother-in-law. He was a prick. I keep telling myself that nothing happened…..
Today we get along well. He adores me and is happy for the home I keep, health I maintain for him and myself and is singing my praises daily. We still make love more than I want to and less than he’d like to. He acknowledges his mistake in befriending an unbalanced girl who really did try to sway him to her court. Last month she wrote me a long crazy letter of apology and acknowledged her attraction to him, she still has it and wants to be our friends again! I don’t want her in my life.
My question if there is one is this….Am I nuts for still wondering about the two of them? My husband thinks it’s nice she apologized. I’m not sure. She has since moved two blocks away and has had a baby with the guy who took her in when she screwed around on her previous man. This situation with us happened between these two men of hers. She doesn’t have much wealth and has admitted to still having a strong attraction to my husband. In her letter she said she wanted to “be” me instead of “be like me” — her words. In May will make it two years since all this came down. I was getting better until I received her letter last month.
One good thing (but boy it hurt) about all of this was that I used to think we had the perfect relationship for the longest time. Now I know that the only thing I can count on is my own truth and feelings. She is very close by and involving herself in our neighbors lives to the point that I will see her even though I don’t want to.
Any words of wisdom Chump Lady?
Uh, PODs? U-haul? A horde of villagers with pitchforks? No chance you could get her and her menage-a-neighborhood to move?
Just a thought. Really the problem here isn’t her — it’s your husband. No matter how many unbalanced, multimedia skilled, batshit crazy young women you live next to, the man should have boundaries. He doesn’t. Big red flag, he has put his need for kibbles — the attraction of this other woman and the ego kibbles she gives — over your sense of security. Why is that? Best case, he’s got a bad case of fucked up priorities. He values the attention and desire to think well of this nutter above your well-being. Worst case? Yeah, he’s having an affair with her.
What would put me in the affair camp? Him talking trash about your marriage to her. Him discussing your sex life (or his perceived lack thereof) with her. Him defending her as rather harmless. His secrecy about the relationship until Ms. Unbalanced reached out to you. His minimizing his emotional betrayal of you as just “befriending” a young woman. (The KISA [knight in shining armor] crap). His inability to stop the relationship because he thought it would just “mellow out.”
I’m assuming you didn’t get any counseling about this? Because it just reads like cake and rug sweeping to me. I don’t know if they did the deed, but I would imagine that any loony tune who waxes on about “curing deformities” with sex would probably want to have a go with the AARP set. I heal the sick and raise the dead! The lame begin to walk! Talk about a narcissistic nut job.
Her letter, I would guess, has two purposes — one to throw you off with her “apology” — but also to unnerve your husband and amp up the excitement. She’s clearly trying to fuck with your head with her “friends” routine. The line that she wants to “be” you is creeptacular. I would read that as “I’m already fucking your husband, now I’d like the rest of the package.” It would be tempting to dismiss everything she’s told you as the ravings of a lunatic EXCEPT for your husband’s behavior — which is really shady. A man with boundaries would put distance there politely at first and then fucking draw the LINE. He’s not doing that. Makes me wonder why.
And then she conveniently, coincidentally moves two blocks away with a baby? I might have a chat with the baby daddies. (And how do you know about them? Two years of no contact with this woman would make me think you wouldn’t know about the revolving door of her love life.) Worst, worst, worst scenario occurs to me now that the baby is your husband’s and she’s circling around ready to fill your shoes and “be” you. Sorry — had to put it out there.
This whole thing stinks to high heaven and you are NOT crazy for wondering. I think you need to go into investigative mode — cell phone, bank records, email snooping, VAR. There’s more to this story. I’m sure the chumplings will weigh in with advice of their own. I don’t think he’s going to confess to you — I think you have to watch and monitor, or confront and get righteously angry and demand total transparency. I would advise against talking to Ms. Wingnut, as she just wants to fuck with your head.
I’m sorry Francine, time to gather more information. Report back and let us know how you’re doing.