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And the winners are….


And the winners of the First Annual Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest are…

Lina and ThatGirl!

I had such a hard time choosing! In the end, I chose one winning limerick and one winning haiku — so a travel mug to you both.

Here are our winners!


“Nice guy” was only for show
You passive aggressive asshole
The children and me
Will NOT be “plan B”
I lied, sex was only so-so


Christmas come and gone
Jewelry from Tractor Supply
Can’t make this shit up

Both of these submissions I feel sum up the CL spirit — We will NOT be plan B! and are utterly un-spackled in their clear view of their cheaters. I mean, OMG, jewelry from Tractor Supply? Awesome telling detail. And I love how Lina follows up her smack down with the spackle-no-more line “I lied, sex was only so-so.”


The runners up were:


I replaced the ex just fine
with a cute puppy found online
kept me warm at night
and never did bite
Clearly a more pure bloodline

Yes, more people should replace cheaters with puppies. The world would be a happier place.


Behold the smug smirk of the cheater,
Who sucks hard like a bottom feeder,
Why only pick one,
When scores are more fun,
He desires to be a cake eater.

His ego was something to behold,
Admire the cheating man-ho!
His sparkle so bright!
His charm, just right!
Alas, he was a lump of fool’s gold.

Behold the king of the castle,
Where all must submit as his vassals,
He who must be appeased,
You cannot disagree,
He really is just an asshole.

To me, you were thumbing your nose,
while you were busy banging your ho’s.
Getting your “dessert”,
you ugly pervert,
I’ll make sure everyone knows.

Dawn, you had so many great submissions! And well done on rhyming “asshole” with “vassal.”


You are a habitual liar
Raising my continual ire
You fuck everything with 2 legs
A question which begs
How many of them were for hire?


Oh poor me, my life is so crappy
my lonely penis just goes flippy flappy
21 years down the drain
my family’s in pain
but a ho sure makes me happy.

I love the visual of the penis as a flaccid windsock that goes “flippy flappy.” LOL!


There once was an underachiever
Who was slutty and quite a deceiver
She wouldn’t quit Warcraft
Or plying her whore-craft
So this Chump had to get smart and leave her

Rhyming warcraft with “whore-craft” was genius. Also from Nomar:

If you had a soul
It would smell like a diaper
From baby Satan

There were over 150 submissions and it was hard to choose! Thanks everyone for sharing your best and giving everyone a laugh. I will be contacting the winners directly. Happy Valentines Day!


Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Congrats to Lina and ThatGirl! I loved reading all the submissions, and it was a great therapy exercise to boot! 🙂

  • It was great to read everyone’s submissions. Congratulations to Lina and ThatGirl for well-deserved wins! And I agree that the runners up were super.

  • Congratulations ThatGirl! All the submissions rocked! Thank you Chump Lady and all my fellow chumps. I hope you all have a Happy Valentines Day 🙂

    • Lina, Congrats to you also! I thought your poem was great. I enjoyed reading all of them!

  • See Marc Rudov for an interesting take on Valentine’s Day. He feels we should boycott it.

  • I still go back to the submissions and laugh. Great job CL picking the winners. Not plan B I love it.

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