Hi Chump Lady,
I have enjoyed reading your site, especially to find out more about narcissistic personalities.
I am single and I have been in an affair with a married woman for more than 3 years. It would be interesting to read your analysis of the “3rd person” perspective. We are usually woman (I am a bit unusual, as well as stupid). We also get caught up in the endless cycle of neediness, lack of commitment, dishonesty, and intimacy avoidance. We also need help to get out of these relationships and the advice on “how to leave a cheater” applies just as much to us.
Thanks for listening.
Well W, at least you admit you’re stupid. That’s a start. If the advice you find on Chump Lady helps you get out of an affair, get your head screwed on straight (therapy, W, lots of therapy), and pointed in the direction of healthier future relationships — great. I truly mean that. If our stories here help cheaters not cheat, that is all to the good.
But W, you aren’t my intended audience and you’re never going to be. Sorry.
Your “chumpdom” is not the betrayed spouse’s chumpdom. And the surest way to piss off a betrayed spouse is to make it morally equivalent. You walked with your eyes wide open into the chasm of fuckupedness. You chose to involve yourself with a married woman. Real chumps don’t choose. This shit is inflicted on us. We’re duped. We’re tra-la-la-ing down the garden path of commitment, marriage, children, and real estate when BAM! the infidelity piano falls from the sky and flattens us.
We didn’t sign up. YOU did. That makes us very different.
Chumps are not actively hurting someone with their choices. They’re being hurt by other people’s choices — people like you, W, and your narcissist affair partner.
Now, I’ll agree with you that narcissists charm, flatter, and do their sparkly shit with affair partners just like they do spouses — absolutely! This is how cake is maintained. And they also want their affair partners to do the humiliating dance of “pick me!” — hey, the longer you dance, the more cake. But if you want me to feel sorry for you? Nope. Not gonna happen. You’re not a victim here. I know it must feel very unfair, the machinations and manipulations, the lack of attention from your married friend — but you’re a willing participant, and you must step away from the crazy.
I tell chumps this after they’ve discovered infidelity — okay, now you KNOW who this person is. Get away! And chumps have deep, powerful interests in remaining stuck — children, shared history, finances — considerations you don’t share. Your essential dilemma is you need a new person to fuck. One that’s single.
That’s very fixable — finding a single person to fuck. Getting your head together about why you would choose this dead-end, destructive relationship? That’s much harder work — work you should be devoting yourself to. (Self esteem, entitlement issues, your own narcissism…) I’d start with telling the husband and ending the affair. Followed up with some serious ass therapy. Everyone deserves a healthy, happy, reciprocal relationship. Even self-referencing “stupid” cheaters like you. But go earn it. Do right by the chump in your story and step away from his wife.
Best of luck.