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Dear Chump Lady, He’s been two-timing me… and her

Dear Chump Lady,

My story is a bit screwed up.  I was dating a guy a few years ago. We were taking it slow, because he was divorced and I have never been in “real” serious relationship before. But we both agreed that we would be brave when we started dating. But I never listend to myself, when warning bells went off. I was so naïve, I thought this is it — two people meet, hit it off, date, and work through whatever issues may arise for the happily ever after.

Well, one day I checked his phone. There was a text message from another girl, who apparently was drunk and at his house. The text message went on to explain how they both regretted stopping before they actually had sex. I was devastated, especially because a week later, I lost my virginity to him. And he never told me. When I read the text message, I passive aggressively asked him what was going on. He claimed that he was not seeing anyone else. Ended up being mad at me for two days about it. But then things blew over. We broke up a few months later, and in my hurt, I asked him directly about the text. He claimed it was all the other woman. That he put an end to things, and turned the blame and anger around on me. That he was being blamed for doing the right thing…that they didn’t have sex. He put a stop to it. I was the horrible person who violated his privacy by going through his phone. And I bought it.

I felt horrible that this person I cared about was so angry at me. Who cares that he lied to me, hurt me, and broke all of his promises? He was angry at me, and I was so remorseful. I couldn’t sleep, eat, lost weight and suffered from anxiety attacks. Well eventually, he claimed to forgive me, but I still wanted us to be together. I didn’t want to be wrong and I cared for the fool. I tried so hard to move past the distrust that for another year and a half, we would talk about possibly getting back together and working through all of our issues. Well, things became toxic during that time. We were always fighting, having long discussions about trust and what I needed to heal. He kept gaslighting me; accusing me of being too pushy. So this fall, I stepped out of the mess. I stopped texting, calling or talking to him.

We work together…in the same department too, but I managed to step back and focus on me. I even started seeing a therapist. When I walked away, I was happier, but he kept coming around. We talked and finally it seemed like things would be different this time. So I let him back in. We agreed to take it slow. We were hanging out, sleeping together, talking. Well, around the holidays, we slipped back into the old pattern. He was pulling away, and I was trying to figure out what was wrong. I kept being stonewalled. I realized there was someone else. So I asked him point blank, if he was seeing someone else. He admitted, he was. He claimed it was so easy with her, that here is someone who wanted him for him, and that it was too much work with me. That he was at an age where he wanted to settle down, have kids, and didn’t have the time to wait to see if I would forgive him. So I asked for no more contact.  He tried to contact me afterwards; on my birthday and when my uncle died.

I told him in both cases that this does not change anything. I need time to heal. I changed my phone number and email address to reaffirm my decision. There are times when I don’t feel like I am doing the right thing, that I am actively choosing to love myself. My therapist says it’s a journey. Now, when I see him in the hallway at work, I look away. He retaliated (or at least that’s how it feels) by removing all of the knickknacks I gave him, avoids me and even moved to another floor. Today, I found out through another co-worker that the person he is with, was the same girl he messed around with when we were dating. They were dating and I was the other woman! I was her this time around. I feel horrible and like all of my progress to move forward went out the door. I want to tell her. But I don’t want the retaliation, and I don’t want this to be a scenario, where I push them together in hating me. I want him to be miserable. How is it he is able to move on while being a horrible person? What should I do? Should I tell her? Does she have a right to know?



Dear Sara,

Yes you should tell her, but I think you’re unclear about your motives. On the one hand, you’re all “I don’t want the retaliation” and on the other hand you “want him to be miserable.” From your story, it isn’t clear if this woman ever knew about you. For all you know, she also found evidence of his cheating, and like you, was the chump who believed his lies. Go ahead and tell — but let go of the outcome. Making him miserable. Making her leave him (please put that one out of your head, I know it’s in there, because you’ve taken that idiot back before).

When you tell her, do so kindly, with compassion. She is a fellow chump. She may not believe you, she may be angry, humiliated. She may believe about you what he said about her — that it’s all your fault, that you were the instigator, the pursuer of him. How she reacts cannot be your concern. Tell her because it’s the right thing to do. Without knowing about his two-timing, she may make a terrible decision to marry him. Give her evidence, answer her questions if she has them, but please tell her. As I’ve written here before, I wish I had known. There were people who came to my wedding who knew my now ex was cheating on me. (One was one of the OW herself.) Ghoulish. You have the power to spare her that — do it.

Now then, you Sara, need a primer on this No Contact thing. It’s great that you changed your number and email. But I’d advise you to look for another job or take a transfer. It’s going to be painful to be around him and work near him, whatever floor he’s on. The fact that he threw away the knickknacks and distances himself is a GOOD THING. You’re doing no contact for YOU — not to get a rise out of him, make him come to his senses (he has no senses) and realize you were the love of his life. I read your no contact attempts as withholding ploys to get his attention, which apparently has worked for you. You say “no, no” but your actions say “yes, yes” — you tell him “this changes nothing” after one no contact spree. Sara? You know what says “this changes nothing”? SILENCE.

Stop engaging with him. Your therapist is being a bit too squishy for my tastes — It’s not a “journey.” It’s a road block. STOP. Get off the crazy highway, exit at “sanity,” turn right at “self respect.”

Tell the other woman. Then shut this shit DOWN. Have your lawyer send him a no contact letter. Tell your human resources department about your relationship and ask for a transfer or to have no dealings with him. Look for another job pronto. Shore yourself up, and consider this mess some painful lessons learned. There are better people out there, good people to have a relationship with. He’s not one of them, so don’t give him any more of your energy. You said you were happier when you last broke up with him — hold on to that feeling, and build more fucktard-free happy time into your life. Good luck and let us know how you’re doing.

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  • Sara, consider yourself lucky that you got away before you married him, had kids or got involved in any more serious way. The man is a cheater and it would appear he always will be. Yes, tell the woman he’s dating but then leave it and move on.

    Get another job, don’t act on any impulse to talk to him or contact him or wanting to hurt him. Yes, he treated you appallingly. Consider it a tough life lesson and let it go.

    You are worth so much more than some dickhead who screws around and then tries to make you take the blame for his bullshit.

  • Sara- Nord and CL are right. You caught him now before life got difficult and complicated with children, obligations, mortgages etc. Thank God! Chump land is hard for us married folk because we have other people that we MUST consider when we end the relationship- that is why it has taken us so long to see hoping for reconciliation IS the same as believing in unicorns. So run fast and hard in the other direction AWAY from your cheater- it doesn’t get better cheaters just take advantage of you more when they see that you and the OW/OM will give them their kibbles despite their cheating.

  • Sara – You wrote, “My story is a bit screwed up.”

    CL does a fantastic job of pulling out the most important aspects!

    Screwed up, chaotic, complicated = TOXIC.

    In my experience, all toxic relationships are extremely complicated and difficult to explain.

    All relationships take some work, all have their share of issues, it isn’t always fun and romance. But what you’ve described is over the top drama and this guy is the star of his show. You need to kill him off from YOUR show!

    Get back to Sara. He’s dead to you now.

    I think you got sucked in by a player into a game you clearly don’t want to play. Nor should you want to play.

    You mentioned gas lighting and stone walling. This is abuse Sara. Emotional abuse. Which has the same effects if not worse as being physically beaten. If exposed to this over an extended period of time the damage can be difficult to repair.

    So give the OW fair warning, then like CL said, DROP IT. Move on.

    Consider yourself very lucky. He did you a favor!

    Move forward and allow yourself a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t abusive and so complicated.

    Love isn’t supposed to hurt Sara. Repeat that mantra over and over.

  • Hi Sara.
    Exactly a year ago I was in your shoes. It’s a horrible place to be. Gut retching. Lost, fearful, just a ces pit.
    I discovered at the end of 2011 my ex had been having an affair with a customer and if you read previous treads you will pick up the story.
    I was gas lighted big time. She played me for months after d day. By chance I had to read all the corresponce yesterday between ex and I for all of last year. It’s amazing the place I was which is just where you are. I now have a totally different perspective.
    Ask yourself
    Do I trust this guy?
    Am I doing the right thing?
    Should I talk to the other person?
    How can I make the right decisions in this emotional state?
    What’s best for me

    Sara, I know it’s hard but people here have lived it and I only wish I had discovered sites and people like this early on. I doubt though I would have listened. I went to all the reconcialtiin sites and books on getting my ex back. Mayb you can reconcile with a one night stand but ongoing abuse demonstrates a seriously flawed character. As CL puts it they’re mindfucks and you are dealing with a very unstable fucked up personality.
    Sara, once they have shown continued abuse of you and that’s what it is then to me you have to cut and run. As Nord said you’re lucky it’s not complicated however I know to you it hurts like hell! If there are kids multiply that hurt 100 X.
    No contact is the only way to go and that hurts like hell too but as each day goes on it gets better. There are set backs but you need to become extremely selfish and look after you.
    Focus on your well being in every aspect of your life.
    Exercise, eat good food, and reward yourself. No ferraris though ok?
    If you think there will be conflict telling the other girl don’t do it. It’s all about you. If you feel in your heart you owe it to her to provide information that she may not know that could effect her well being then tell her.
    If you are seeking revenge then dig two graves. One for him amd one for you.
    The best revenge is to get on with it. Sometimes it will plain suck.
    Read up on narcissist. Don’t ask why but learn what makes these people tick so that you can better understand them.
    Forget about saving him if he is deserted.
    Trust me and this is something it took me a while to sort out is that there is someone better out there. They will just appear. It’s the way the world works.
    Remember there is no way in hell I could have given you this advise this time last year. I was in the same shit hole as you.
    Sara, be selfish. Sara love yourself.
    You can do this

    • Baci, I needed to hear your encouraging words today too! I really struggle with NC. Each time I hear from or see him, it feels better for a short time, and then the pain in my heart starts again . Only 5 more weeks until our divorce, and then because of my work situation, ill probably be seeing the 2 of them together at the functions I used to attend with him. It is really going to suck, but thx to this CL site, I know I will get through to the Meh stage.

      • No contact is just bloody hard work.
        Last evening both my sons played touch footy. I coach both sides.

        She would come and stand just a few metres away and I just moved to the far end of the field. Then at the finish she would hang around sort of trying to make face contact. I just ignored her. It pisses them off because they want to be all friendly so their new fuck buddy can be accepted. He can’t go to any events with the boys because they refuse one year out to have anything ondo with him and meet him.

        I did accidentally walk in on them in a restaurant and I ordered lunch and a coffee. I stood four feet away and just looked at him. I won’t let him intimidate me. He can have the ex. I now realise they are in their own little world. Ga ga land.

        She is moving 300 yards down the road next week so surely I will bump into them. I’m just going to happily carry on. They don’t matter.

        The ‘meh’ stage is important. I am there for sure. I used to want to talk with her and now I don’t. I try not to feel sorry for her. I try not to feel anything.

        Sara, don’t give up on no contact. It’s one of the most important tools used in the process. Without it we have no hope of achieving a new life.

    • Baci, everything you say is so spot on. So many of us wouldn’t have been able to listen at the beginning. We’re reeling from pain, in shock, can’t think straight and none of it makes sense because it’s so hard to believe people can act this way.

      Since we’re on the same timeline I can back up everything you say: it will get better, NC is the only way to go, just detach and ride through the pain. It WILL get better. A bit more than a year out I feel pretty good. I am not completely healed but I’m firm in what I want and what I don’t want. I have larger worries because I was a SAHM and I have kids, but it doesn’t matter: what I don’t have is a cheating husband mindfucking me six ways to Tuesday.

      Get out and although I do think you should tell the other woman, just so she is aware of what is going on in her life, don’t do it expecting anything – do it to know that you’ve done the right thing.

      • “what I don’t have is a cheating husband mindfucking me six ways to Tuesday”

        LOL I love that line! That and Lasso of truths Love isn’t supposed to hurt.

        I’m limping along today, but have been wondering…what does MEH mean?

        • I think it comes in small increments. I feel it quite often these days, although sometimes my ire can be raised when he gets a hair up his ass and starts sending me crazy emails. It’ll come, don’t worry. Just focus on other things (easier said than done, I know).

  • Sara:

    Please listen to chump lady.

    BTW: the push pull sounds like this guy may have BPD.

    I agree, your therapist is being squishy on this. He’s toxic and you need to nuke the relationship, pronto.

    • “I agree, your therapist is being squishy on this.” YEAH, that too!

      You’re on a journey? What in the hell is that supposed to mean?

      My two therapists said nothing to me about being on a journey. What I did hear were words like, “Sociopath” “Jerk” “player” “narcissism” “disrespectful” “poor boundaries” “empty” and “emotional abuse” not quite as pretty as “journey” more like a Highway To Hell!

  • Journey is used by a guy called Bruce Fisher in rebuilding after a relationship fails.
    It’s about identifying things that are happening in your life and dealing with them. He uses the climbing of a mountain and using building blocks.
    You start with denial and fear and something like 20 blocks later you end up with freedom.
    Get off the ‘Highway to Hell’ ( could ACDC song though) and get on the freedom TRUTH highway that leads to a better life. Hopefully there are no more jerks, sociopaths or abusive arseholes on it

  • First and foremost, start looking for a new job. You’re still reeling from the pain and having problems with No Contact. Even though you’ve changed your phone and your email, you’re still dancing to the “Pick Me” dance tune, and Mr. Mindfuck-Me-Now can see that. It is ego kibble to him, since he knows that the next time he gets in a fight with the OW, or when she goes out of town on a business trip, he can easily contact you and get you back into his life–all the while spinning you a yarn as to how the OW doesn’t mean anything, that really he’s Picked You.

    Once you stop seeing him every day, you’ll be able to move toward the State of Meh, that blissful state where you can see him in the coffee shop with his new bed warmer without feeling either that a) you’d like to cave in his skull or b) you still have a hankering for him. Ideally, you’d be able to say hi if he says hi, while thinking, “thank God I’m not with that jerk anymore!” Then, 5 minutes after you’ve left, you’re not thinking of him at all. That’s Meh, and that’s what you’re aiming for.

    As others have said, you’re lucky that you didn’t marry him. That sounds pretty hollow now, but really, you’ve dodged a bullet. You do have to deal with the scars from the emotional abuse. You have to heal from his lying, cheating, and gaslighting. That’s no small accomplishment! But at least you don’t have to battle about child custody, how to divide your assets, who gets the house (and whether you can afford it), and how to divvy up retirements. Dealing with the red tape (and all the emotions involved) on top of the infidelity adds another layer of injury.

    As for telling the OW? For revenge? No, don’t do it to make him miserable (that’s another song in the Pick Me repetoire). Don’t do it because you want to make her miserable (she’s a victim, too). Don’t do it if you think that either of them has enough clout in your organization to retaliate against you. Do it if it’s safe, and do it if you wish that someone had done the same for you. Do it if you think you can stay neutral. Otherwise, no, don’t do it.

    And remember that karma is a bitch. You can move on to have a great life with a man who really loves you, while your ex-boyfriend will go on cheating until some lawyer kicks him in the wallet!

  • Hi it’s Sara.

    First off, THANK YOU everyone, esp CL. Thank you all for the support. NC does suck, but I never caved in by calling or reaching out. It does suck at times, but I remember what my best friend told me in the beginning, “this is the worse it’s going to get.” Many of you have echoed that sentiment.

    After the last time he contacted me, and my response was, “this doesn’t change anything.” it’s been 28 days of silence (yeah I’m taking a page out of the AA book here. One day at a time.) What I meant by it feeling my progress was ruined, I felt like was moving towards meh-nirvana state and this tidbit of information set me back. My anger and fantasy to hit him with a 2×4 has returned.

    I never thought of NC as a ploy to get his attention. I don’t want him back. I think he’s a douche who’s bad in bed. (Okay that was petty but it’s true.) But in a sense I guess it was a ploy. I’ve been working out –10 pounds lighter. I’m in the process of quitting smoking, volunteering, I’m sleeping well, not once have I had an anxiety attack this time around, and got a raise at work. I’m doing all the things I wanted to do for so long, but was so focused on righting things with him. So I guess I do want his attention, only to show him, how great my life is without him. To ensure the saying, the sweetest revenge is success. But CL is right he has no sense. He’s never going to realize what he missed out on, because you have to value it first. Clearly he never did.

    As for whether I will tell the OW or not. I don’t know. From all accounts of the rumor mill, she truly seems like a good person: god-loving, sweet, and a devoted mother, (not his) and that weighs on me. As for evidence, in my steps to rid myself of this social parasite I erased all the text messages and call history. Duck, I don’t have anything he gave me or anything that reminds me of him. I do have phone and text records I could pull up. It would show him instigating every conversation. But what I wonder is if if I want to engage in this drama. It takes the focus off me, and onto him. Also, I am not sure if I would be acting out of anger. I have written her a letter, and I want to give myself a few weeks before sending it. I want to make sure if I do send it, its for her and not anything else.

    Does that make me a coward?

    Again, thank you CL and everyone on here for your kind words, advice and support.


  • Sara,

    My storybis posted elsewhere here .In short, this man I was with faked separation, faked his divorce filings and was a serial cheater and was into hookers.I found out that he was leading a normal married life .I got shafted real bad. I, of course, walked out..took me a while but I didn’t want to be any part of a triangle..more like a octagon ,in his case.

    I, too toted with the idea whether I should inform his wife.My counsellor tole me this which made absolute sense.when I told him I will just inform her and walk away he said this may not be will get dragged back into his life.If the wife believes you most likely she will keep calling you to ask about more and more details that you may have found out and you will be reliving the whole sordid tale .if she doesn’t believe you she will defi tell her husband about your call and he will contact you and threaten, plead whatever, but he will .

    One way or the other, this episode won’t be behind you and will continue for , who knows , how long.

    He said, with the way this man is, his life with his wife too would be full of drama and you would get sucked into it which would only delay your healing.when I asked what about that poor woman,he told me for on e, just ink about your healing( I was on anti depressants, suicidal etc etc).he told me everything about this guy is bad news and just get away from his life.

    I am glad I took his advice.I put an end to the entire drama and just went complete NC.

  • Not sure where to submit a question. so, Iwil try here.
    Can anyone explain this “hysterical bonding ” deal?
    I cannot imagine wanting to have sex with someone who has abused me with inffidelity. Yet, I see BSs and WSs talking about how great it is. I feel I would be degrading myself if i had done that.
    Yech! Having sex with someone who treated me like shit. How can folks do this?

    • Arnold, it is insane sex.
      When I received the annouynous letter stating that ex was taking lover(CSM) to New York and she of course dinged this we had unbelievable sex for two days. You have to understand a few things here.
      I never in a thousand years believed there was any one else until I discovered some weird emails. I fully trusted her. Blind. Whatever you want to call it. I was very calm even on d day. I didn’t blow up for months afterwards when I really discovered that these two clowns were head over heals madly in love stuff.
      Ex was absolutely terrified she would be exposed by a phone call in the days before she left and kept to the story that one of the other runners wrote a poison pen letter.

      Then when I found out about CSM she denied denied denied and just laid it on because she said he wasn’t the answer. The sex was unbelievable but its not what I remember her by. It’s only that you bought it up.
      Ill tell you what really is sick is CSM knowingly ( excuse for been so crase ) stirred my porridge which makes him a real sick bastard. Arnold he is desperate and held on to this affair for so long. He is the real sick one followed very closely by the ex. It’s behaviour I don’t get.
      The hb sex is intense maybe because of the fear. There is no thought that this is going to be the last “session” not in my mind anyway.
      I couldn’t touch my ex now. Many months ago she tried to hug me several times and I just put my palms out and said no I can’t. She was upset but it gave a clear message that I am not cake. No more cake. The therapist also strongly said we cannot be friends even though she will try her hardest to achieve that.
      Be interesting if we had such a thing as truth syrup. Wild Turkey seems to work on me!

      • Baci,
        Very true! I can’t imagine sex with my ex-H anymore…doing is far-far remote now. Maybe, craving is there till your head is in the fog (mindfucking stage). But, once clear light dawns, I feel one can’t continue…perhaps meh, NC and therapy are all ways to get past that “head in the fog stage”

    • I have never understood the hystercial bonding either. I mean, it MUST be hysterically motivated because who in his or her right mind (or with a sense of self worth) would knowingly have sex with someone who has just admittedly betrayed them. And that’s what I see going on over at the la la land of codependency (aka SI). There are people there who KNOW their spouse has been betraying them and yet shout out how fantastic the hysterical bonding sex is. I think it must be like a dog marking his/her territory by peeing on something. It must be, for some people, a very strong and compelling thing that they do in order to reassert their domain or something.

      The thing is: it ALWAYS wears off, and then I would think there would be some really yucky feelings associated with the fact that you’ve been boinking someone who has treated you that way. And see, there it is, and why reconciliation would never work for me: I can’t imagine ever, EVER allowing a man who has betrayed me to touch me again. Forget it. You lost your chance, dude.

      Of course that’s me. I don’t think badly of those who do engage in it, I just don’t understand the impulse.

      • Kristina, I understand it from the ex position.
        She had the best of both worlds for a period of three years. CSM and her are sick.
        Then when she got caught she denied that she saw him and didn’t want to lose what she had. She probably stopped fuckin him then because she was shitting herself of the consequences. Of losing her family etc. The whole thing was kept quiet by us for some time but when I received the 2nd betrayal it was on for young and old.
        Only in hindsight can you make any sense of it. By detaching and just looking at it with some perspective. For a normal person it’s pretty fucked up. I went from happy family guy into a black hole. I thought I was losing my marbles and for a time there I did.
        That’s how crazy all this infidelity stuff is.
        I can’t see myself ever touching my ex again. I just feel sorry for her but she made the choices.

        • Baci,

          I understand that people act in unusual ways when they are faced with this kind of crisis and I think that’s where the hysterical bonding comes in.

          I had an opposite reaction — I didn’t want him anywhere near me. And that was normal for me. I mean, I didn’t want him near me sexually and I didn’t even want to talk to him at first until I had sorted out how I felt about things. And because that was how I managed it, I have a hard time understanding why others don’t manage their situations the same way. Because the reaction from me was visceral and I code that to mean that it is essentially human to behave the way I did. So why don’t other humans do as I did? Do you know what I mean?

          Of course then I step back and say: “Okay, wait, ego maniac, you’re not an essentialist (in the sense that as a historian I do not believe humans are humans across time and space), so why on earth would you assume that everyone would respond to betrayal in the same way you did? that’s impossibly ego-driven of you.”

          What I do get is the desire to regain control, and I think that the hyper sexuality is a way for some people to regain control, or a way they think they are regaining control. I also think that my reaction — to kick him out and wait a month before I could talk it over with him and use that space to make choices on my own — was a way for ME to regain control. So to that extent, I think people who have rabid sex with their cheaters and people who kick them the hell out are doing the same thing in attempting to regain control — they are just taking different routes.

          At any rate, I do understand why people do the sex, I just don’t think it is wise, emotionally or from a logical perspective, to do it. I think it opens people up to additional hurts.

  • Baci, have you visited any of the sites for abused men, men dealing with personality disordered women.
    I suggest Shrink4men, menwhoareabused, and Shari Schreiber’s site gettingbetter.
    Also, books by Richard Skerritt that are e-books, particularly ” Meaning from Madness”.
    Your wife had to have had this within her for your entire marriage. Odds are you know the tip of the iceberg re her cheating. I bet this is not her first rodeo.

    • Mate, I really trying not to think too much about her.
      It’s somewhat confusing.
      Our sex life was fulfilling. She often said she could do without sex but obviously was working double shift. His ex told me he’s on viagara. I try not to think about it. I used to think he would take everything away from me and I was intimidated by him. Not anymore.
      She is fit and beautiful and goes for a man 13 years older. It’s about ego and status.
      He’s unfit but importantly is this. He has no family here but all in NZ. He only has business associates here so he just hooked into ex. I have the proof in email and text.
      She has been accused of one other affair by a guys sister. She is 95% sure and others have told me.
      Look she had many men friends that I met and knew. They came to the house etc. I trusted her.
      I think it comes down to some childhood stuff, some parent stuff, mistake birth (sisters are 12 years older) and probably a raft of other things.
      I just know she is danger, danger, danger and stay away. She owns the affair 100%.
      I’m sure she has some issues to work through but at the moment she is in cloud cookoo land with CSM. They feel entitled and don’t understand the pain extended to everyone else.
      It’s taken a lot of hard work for me to detach but you just have to step back and look at the train smash. Do the best you can for your kids and bro you know what that is all about.

      • I think this is a very sensible approach, Baci. To me, it doesn’t make sense to dive into the crazy and swim around trying to suss out her issues. That will do you no good, because you can’t change her, on one hand, and knowing her issues will not make it easier to spot them in someone else on the other hand. Because everyone masks their neuroses differently, the hook to these sorts of people is really so unconscious.

        Time will dull the pain, and the scar will be there to remind you to be cautious. No one can ever get their arms around crazy situations by jumping into them. You can only get control of your space if you step way back.

        Meh is the goal and you really seem to get that! 🙂

  • Dear Sara,
    I struggled with the wanting to contact the OW for a long time for all kinds of reasons. I still do at times. Bottom line, I would have done it for ALL the wrong reasons. It was indeed another song in the “Pick Me” repetoire. Somewhere deep in your gut, you know why you want to say something to her. Check your gut, if there’s anything other than Mother Theresa goodness, I’m trying to humanity, then my advice would be leave it alone.

    Take care of you!! First and foremost. I’m still counting days too. It’s slow going – step away from the crazy and save yourself. One day at a time. Keep the faith, there is a way out.

  • I have been dating someone for several years who has struggled with lying and cheating in our relationship. I thought at first it was sex addiction so I stayed trying to work through that with him — I know, I know. I now believe he may actually be disordered or worse — a psychopath. I found out a month ago that he took another woman on a 10-day overseas trip (he said it was a work trip) and has been seeing her behind my back for MONTHS. She has posted photos of them together on her social media (they are not connected oddly enough). It’s clear she thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. I actually feel sorry for her. He tells me that he loves me and wants to continue to see me, that he got in over his head with her and that he is not serious about her. Whatever. I am just trying to decide whether to tell her. I have read that you should not tell the “new supply” but goddamnit, I want to! Is there any reason that I shouldn’t?

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