Dear Chump Lady,
I have so enjoyed reading your blog since I stumbled across an article of yours on HuffPo.
I was thinking of your recent post about the delusional rantings of an OW who was “romanticising” her cheating ways when a song that I particularly find annoying came on the radio. It is by “Heart” and is a self-serving recount of a one-night-stand by this useless woman who picks up a hitchhiker that she refers to as “this lonely boy.” She takes him to “this hotel, a place I knew well” and they “made magic that night.” See, it’s okay to cheat as long as magic is involved. Well, it turns out that she was actually indulging in sperm theft, because her poor Chump couldn’t get her pregnant and the “lonely boy” was too dumb to use a condom. I hope their beleaguered offspring didn’t end up with her morals and his brains! I am also concerned for her poor understanding of sex ed as she explains their activities during the night with the following –
“I told him I am the flower you are the seed
We walked in the garden we planted a tree”
Oh ick. That’s just really nasty.
I would be really interested to hear your take on the nonsense in these “romance” songs where hefty layers of spackle are applied to gloss up really obnoxious behaviour. Maybe some of your regulars also have issues with songs and would like to analyse the “spackle-speak” and reinterpret them for fun and therapy.
Oh this should be fun. I’m sure the chumplings can share some really lugubrious awful crap. I had fun surfing youtube looking for an appropriate, illustrative cheater song and settled on this gem: “Release Me” by Engelbert Humperdinck circa 1985. Check out the video! Engelbert and his luxurious mustache that loves two women — “Her lips are warm while yours are cold/Release me darling, let me go!” Subtext, but please do the humiliating dance of pick me first. Apparently she’s not leaving, because they’re sleeping in satin sheets together. (With a zebra-print headboard! Who designed this bedroom? Siegfried and Roy?) I have so many questions! Does he wax his chest? How did he find a “new love, dear” and taste her lips, while simultaneously imploring his current girlfriend that she must release him so he doesn’t “live a lie”? Were yellow Oxford shirts ever fashionable? And — is this a man’s bedroom? Because he brings his new woman back to the same bed! ICK!!!
I wish I had some goopy cheater love song to share with you, but my cheating ex was strangely devoid of musical taste. He was a chameleon and would pretend to like whatever I liked. (I’m sure the Richard Thompson CDs are gathering dust as I type.) But I do remember once right before DDay he brought home a CD mix made for him by the office intern, who he was most likely boinking (the Christmas office party was so very awkward, I should’ve clued in). She was, like, 20 and he was like, 50. And on the mix was — “Oh Mickey You’re So Fine.” A song that came out before she was born, and as he was comparatively ancient, she must’ve made a stab at what he might enjoy, but missed by an entire decade (FYI, Samara — Messina and Loggins) — but you know, the kibbles were good: “Oh Mickey you’re so fine, you’re so fine, you blow my mind, HEY MICKEY! HEY MICKEY!” What twisted thing he was thinking playing it for me, I have no idea. Retarded women lust me! Stand in awe!
So chumps, I put it to you — any cheater songs that make your skin crawl? The goopier the better. Please share!