Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

Need some tunes to get you through?

Hey, I just discovered something quite cool. I can share a playlist on Spotify here. I will refine this over time, but here’s all the music that helped me survive this mess (well, that Spotify has rights to share, I had to leave some off). You can listen to the entire playlist, and share your own (although I haven’t quite figured that out for comments, you have to embed HTML code).

Anywho, as you can see I have some eclectic taste that weighs heavily toward classic soul and R&B.

My suggested listening fav’s for infidelity would be. (That I can figure out how to add, I’m still working out the glitches here… argh.)

1. Aretha. Anything Aretha.
2. Solomon Burke “You Can Make It If You Try.”
3. Bobby Blue Bland “That Did It” (if you need any help finding your anger — “I found your man wearing my brand news shoes/Oh that did it, babe.”)
4. David Bromberg — “Will Not Be Your Fool” — wait for the end. Memorize it and scream along.
5. Dayna Kurtz — “Not the Only Fool in Town.”

I have a lot of favorites, and would love to hear yours. Enjoy!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
    • “Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over. But had me believing it was always something that I’d done. But I don’t want to live that way, reading into every word you say…”

  • Phil Collins – “I Don’t Care Anymore”

    Perfect anthem for “meh” with a kick.

    Dealing with my cheating BITCH STBX, and ongoing divorce:

    NOW YOU’RE MESSIN WITH A SON-OF-A-BITCH… Compliments of Nazareth’s “Hair of the dog.”

    • Goodbye Horses is one of my favorite songs ever! I read that it is about overcoming the 5 senses (those are the horses) and living a life completely detached from all things.

      That’s a bit too meh for me, personally. But it just is so great a song from one of the creepiest movie scenes EVER.

      FYI — Airborne Toxic Event has a good cover version of it.

      • Cool, thanks for the recommend… Along a similar vein of SOTL creepy, search You tube for:

        Greenskeepers – Lotion

        Maybe you have heard it; Love it!!!!

      • “FYI — Airborne Toxic Event has a good cover version of it.”

        Listened to the live version on YouTube; nice, I liked it!

        • It really is some kind of crazy synchronicity that you brought up Goodbye Horses! This song was tremendously signficant to me for a couple of reasons, but the main one was during the period when I was seriously working on breaking down ego and working towards self awareness, I really did get so involved in the meaning behind this song. It gave me so much strength.

          It was during a time when I was really breaking free from all the things that tie people to their ego (and therefore external validation). I loved the lyrics, I always imagined it a conversation between the self and the ego (which, obviously, I was totally projecting, but it worked for me). So, the self is saying, very pragmatically: “I see the rise, but it always falls…All things pass into the night…” and the ego resists and says: “Oh no sir…I must say you’re wrong…” But the transcendent part — the “goodbye horses — I’m flying over you..” is the self winning out. Because truly the ego wants us to think that all things do NOT pass into the night, that things should be static and unchanging, that people, and people’s good (or bad) opinion of us actually make a difference in who we are as individuals, when honestly, none of it does. Not really.

          We’re still good and valuable people even if someone rejects us or betrays us or we betray ourselves. Ego wants us to believe in unchanging 4-ever and ever and tricks us into believing that we can actually control things so that they don’t change, and when that is taken away, we feel as if our “souls have been ripped out” (which is obviously nonsensical hyperbole at it’s finest). Ego ties us to the whims of others. Selfhood allows us to enjoy things while they are good and let go when it turns bad, all along being confident in ourselves to sustain ourselves.

          The fact that this song came back to me from the universe at this point in time was fortuitous. It reminded me to refocus my attention where it needs to be. It reminds me to just let go. Enjoy the now, deal with things when they aren’t good, and know that all things will pass into the night but will rise again (and then fall… and rise… haha).

          Oh boy… me waxing lyrical. Hahaha. Sorry about that!

          FANTASTIC song. Thanks for reminding me of this, Jay!!

  • “Sleep To Dream” – Fiona Apple

    Really good to get angry, and every word just perfect.

    Here are my favorite lines:

    “You say love is a Hell you cannot bear, I say give me mine back and go there for all I care!”

    “I’ve got my feet on the ground and I don’t go to sleep to dream. You’ve got your head in the clouds, you’re not at all what you seem!”

    “This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways. So don’t forget what I told ya, don’t come around, I got my own Hell to raise!”

    “Take all the sorrow you gave and all the stakes you claimed – AND DON’T FORGET THE BLAME!”

  • This is very aggravating — things in my “approved list” seem to not be transferring over. Grr. Well, enjoy what’s up there, suggest your own and I’ll figure this out in time.

  • Don Henley. Heart of the matter. Yep chumps its about forgiveness but to yourself

    Better man. Pearl jam

    Lost for words pink flood. ‘ and I ask my energies can we wipe the slate clean , and tell me to please go fuck myself, you sometimes you just can’t win.

    Pink Floyd again- ‘ and if the band you’re in starts playing different tunes ill see you on the dark side of the moon’

    Monty Python – Always look on the bright side of life- Life is just a shit when you look at it’

  • Love so right The Bee Gees.

    But the in morning when I woke up i was here and she was gone
    How a love so right can turn out to be so wrong.
    I thought she came forever but she came to break my heart

    Where are the fucking tissues!!!!

  • “Mr. Know It All” by Kelly Clarkson

    This is great for regarding any arrogant assholes in your life!

    “Stronger” is a great one too!

  • Walking on broken glass. Annie Lennox
    Since you abandoned me my whole world has crashed.
    I’m living in an empty room with all the windows smashed.

  • Good ones: “He Wasn’t Man Enough” -Toni Braxton
    “It’s Not Right”-Whitney Houston
    Dance to a little JT: “What Goes Around” and “Cry Me A River”-
    Justin Timberlake
    Country fans: “Cheatin”-
    Sara Evans

    Jay, love that Phil Collins tune!!!!

  • Genesis.
    Invisible Touch.

    She grabs hold of your heart and slowly tears it aart

    And though she will FUCK up your life
    You love her just the same
    ( Phil actually sang this live in Europe).

  • ooohh! One the recent songs from Pink – Blow Me (One Last Kiss) has definitely been on heavy rotation for me. Found a few lyrics:
    I think I’ve finally had enough – I think I maybe think too much
    I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
    you think I’m just too serious – I think you’re full of shit

    I will do what I please, anything that I want
    I will breathe, I won’t breathe, I won’t worry at all
    You will pay for your sins, you’ll be sorry my dear
    All the lies, all the wise, will be crystal clear

  • Now that I have a 14-year old daughter,
    I find myself listening more to pop music again (after _____years LOL.)

    The new tune by FUN has become my theme song.

    “Carry On.”

  • “Lost Cause” and “It’s All In Your Mind” by Beck

    I think I read somewhere the entire Sea Change album is about his relationship with a severely narcissistic person. If he wasn’t he sure knows how to write as if he had been!

  • OK, from a guys perspective:

    45- Shinedown. Some think it’s about an abortion but I find that to be a reach. Brent Smith of Shinedown said it’s about hope.

    What ever happened to the young man’s heart
    Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart
    And I’m staring down the barrel of a 45,
    I’m swimming through the ashes of another life
    There’s no real reason to accept the way things have changed
    Staring down the barrel of a 45

    The 45 is supposed to be a metaphor for the world but those of us who are here know otherwise.

    Drops of Jupiter -Train. I’m not a big Train fan and this song is about losing his mom but it fits for those of us who are dealing a cheater and thier fantacy land bullshit.

    Simple Man – Lynard Skynard and Shinedown versions.
    Comfortably Numb – Pink Floyd. No explanation there.

  • No break-up list is complete without “Love Bites” by Def Leppard 🙂

    I also really liked listening to “More than This” by Roxy Music, but I would not call it super empowering… it’s a bittersweet song that mostly turned me into a weepy mess early on after I kicked him out.

  • “Nothing That You Are” by Mandy Moore (this is newer stuff, not crap bubblegum pop). Pretty much about catching and leaving a cheater… got me through some dark nights.

    Anything from Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill is also pretty good for the angry moments.

  • Oh, I got this…

    Miss you being gone – The Band Perry
    Wide Awake – Katy Perry
    Back to Black – Amy Winehouse
    The Chokin’Kind – Joss Stone
    Don’t Call Me Baby – Madison Avenue
    Every Word – Sade
    Far Behind – Candlebox
    Let it Flow – Toni Braxton
    I Knew You Were Trouble – Taylor Swift
    I Used to Love Him – Lauren Hill
    Jar of Hearts – Christina Perri
    Love Shoulda Brought You Home – Toni Braxton
    Mercy – Duffy
    My Immortal – Evanescence
    Not Falling Apart – Maroon 5
    Put the Gun Down – ZZ Ward (kind of a OW song, but I freaking love this whole album)
    Run Right Back – The Black Keys
    Titanium – David Guetta & Sia
    Torn – Natalie Imbrulia
    Turning Tables – Adele
    Unfoolish Remix – Ashanti
    Wake Up Alone – Amy Winehouse
    We Need a Resolution – Aaliyah
    Who the Hell Are You – Madison Avenue

  • Chris Issacs-Somebodies Lying

    I also like that song that has the line “are you strong enough to be my manetc”
    Perfect theme song of a BPD/NPD woman.

  • “Special Ones” by the band George.

    Not specifically about cheating, but she describes so poetically and powerfully, escaping from an abusive relationship with a total mindfuck narcissist.

    I listened to this song every day for a year after Dday.

  • My list tends towards the ‘get pissed off and stay strong’
    Girl with One Eye – Florence and the Machine
    Taking Back My Life – Kim Caldwell
    I Will Surive You – BC Jean
    I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor
    Love Lies Bleeding – Elton John
    Quicksilver – Cruxshadows
    Rolling in the Deep – Adele
    Shake It Out – Florence and the Machine

    • I LOVE that Elton John song! I used to listen to “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” album until I wore out the grooves.

  • “I Can’t Stand Still” by Don Henley (for anybody who’s ever had to see their ex and the OW/OM together)

    “Hit ‘Em Up Style” by Blu Cantrell (for vengeful chumps who went crazy with their cheating spouses’ credit cards)

    “Run Run Run” by Concrete Blonde (a song about BPDs and their need for chaos/ego kibbles)

    “Policy of Truth” (about lying cheaters)

    “In My Darkest Hour” by Megadeth (about heartless ex’s)

    “Would I Lie To You” by Eurythmics (one of the ultimate self-empowering songs for chumps)

    “Gold Dust Woman” by Fleetwood Mac (everybody thinks it’s about doing coke…Stevie Nicks herself has said it’s about a girl pulling herself out of a bad relationship)

    “Jesus To A Child” by George Michael (George wrote it about his ex who died of AIDS…but it’s a great song for chumps who want a good cry over their lost love).

    “Thief of Hearts” by Madonna (if you’ve ever had your man stolen by a girl who thinks her shit doesn’t stink…LISTEN TO THIS SONG!)

    “Sin” by Nine Inch Nails (an aggressive break-up song about heartless ex’s if there ever was one..)

    “King of Sorrow” by Sade (for chumps who were chumped but still cry over the love that was lost…this is your song. Sade really nails it).

    “You Lost Me” by Christina Aguilera (a gorgeous little ballad about cheaters/abusers)

    “Karma” by Alicia Keys (I swear to God Alicia was spying on me…cause this is song is me and my cheating ex to a T! Got a fickle cheater in your life? Listen to this one!)

    I think this is good for starters! 🙂

    • I totally forgot about the Blu Cantrell song. Love that one. If only my cheater had a credit card that wasn’t maxed out… And you are right about the Sade song. She does nail it. I love her albums, but can’t listen to them yet because some many songs are schmoopy… But this one and her song Every Word are perfect.

  • Seriously… written about a cheater.

    Hope it felt good… Nikka Costa
    Nothing…………….. Nikka Costa
    So have I for you…Nikka Costa
    “I have justified every wave in our ocean…”
    Think she’s been there?

    And my anthem for a very long time:

    I don’t ever give up…. Patty Griffin

  • I got to say for me, its

    Time For Me To Fly – Reo Speedwagon

    You said we’d work it out
    You said that you had no doubt that deep down we were really in love
    Oh, but I’m tired of holding on to a feeling I know is gone
    I do believe that I’ve had enough
    I’ve had enough of the falseness of a worn out relation
    Enough of the jealousy and the intoleration
    Oh, I make you laugh and you make me cry
    I believe it’s time for me to fly

  • Again, CL, I thank you/salute you for your innovations to what we call therapy. Before therapy (which I am in no way opposed to) there was common sense. Both can work well together. You used Brute Force Poetry/Haikus, and how you are hitting other senses. Music is a great mood mover. There are other mood movers out there — like drinking — that ultimately leave us down and debilitated. I think that good, empowering pop music to exercise could be just the endorphin-releasing thing (as well as have good effects on health) that could help heal chumps and turn chumps into champs.

    Excellent, CL. For the nerdier among us, history works, too. Narcissists came in the form of folks like Khadafy and Nero. But there were anti-narcissists, like Frederick Douglass, who are also worth studying. I recommending reading his autobiography, which you can get on the Internet for free if you just Google his name. After all, what system could produce more narcissism than slavery?

    Rock on, CL. Well done! Yet again!

    • Yes, David, re music! … and Frederick Douglass — I’ve just begun to learn of him. Beautiful, stalwart soul.

      The music … my list of songs grows and grows from reading the comments …

  • I like Corduroy by Pearl Jam. He wrote it, I guess, about his relationship with fame (Saints preserve us from the earnest grunge stars of the 90s and their false antipathy towards fame!!), but for me, it really is a great break up song.

    The waiting drove me mad
    You’re finally here and I’m a mess
    I take your entrance back
    Can’t let you roam inside my head
    I don’t want to take what you can give
    I would rather starve than eat your bread
    I would rather run but I can’t walk
    Guess I’ll lie alone just like before

    I’ll take the Varmints path
    Oh, and I must refuse your test
    Push me and I will resist
    This behavior’s not unique

    I don’t want to hear from those who know
    They can buy, but can’t put on my clothes
    I don’t want to limp for them to walk
    Never would have known of me before
    I don’t want to be held in your debt
    I’ll pay it off in blood, let I be wed
    I’m already cut up and half-dead
    I’ll end up alone like I began

    Everything has chains
    Absolutely nothing’s changed
    Take my hand, not my picture, spilled my tincture…

    I don’t want to take what you can give
    I would rather starve than eat your bread
    All the things that others want for me
    Can’t buy what I want because it’s free
    Can’t buy what I want because it’s free
    Can’t be what you want because I’m…

    Ain’t supposed to be just one
    Oh, to live and die, let it be done
    I figure I’ll be damned, all alone like I began

    It’s your move now
    I thought you were a friend
    But I guess I… I guess I hate you…

  • Countless songs, depending on the moment and memory (I’m coming up on three years post-break) … Here are a few …

    * Moby: “Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?” (That, basically, is the entire lyric. Perfect for chest-clutching ‘Am I having a heart attack?!’ moments.)
    * Bruce Springsteen: “The Wrestler” (Pure wreckage…pure Bruce.)
    * Paul Simon: “Love & Hard Times” (Exquisite. “It’s easy to be generous when you’re owed / It’s hard to be grateful / when you’re out of control / and love is gone … The light at the edge of the curtain / is the quiet dawn …”)
    * Sting: “If I Ever Lose My Faith In You” (I’m singing this one to *myself* 🙂 )
    * Harry Manx and Kevin Breit: “Unmoved By Love” (“…but hope has gone missing / You’re unmoved by love … Know that you complete me / but you’re unmoved by love …” ~ Mournful; gorgeous. One voice and a few guitars.)
    * Gordon Lightfoot: “If You Could Read My Mind” (Like “The Wrestler”, a song that speaks to me of the breakage in my ex)
    * Al Green: “How Can You Mend A Broken Heart” (just because…Al Green.)
    *Alanis Morissette: “Torch” (“… I miss your take / on anything / and the music you would play / Miss cracking up / miss wrestling / miss our debriefs at end of day … I never dreamed / I would have to lay down / my torch for you / like this …”)
    * Sting: “Why Should I Cry For You?” (Heh.)
    * Elton John: “Goodbye” (A gem at the end of the album Madman Across The Water … “I’m sorry I took your time / I am the poem that doesn’t rhyme / Just turn back a page / I’ll waste away … I’ll waste away …” ~ Listened to this a lot early on.)
    * The Eagles: “Desperado” (CLASSIC…perennial fave)
    * Mary Chapin Carpenter: “Iceland” (“Last night I dreamed of icy cliffs / Standing on the precipice / I leaned to see just where the edge would take me …” ~ I clung to this song during the first months…)
    * Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young: “Carry On” (YEAH!! “… I knew I would see the dawn / … Knew I woud carry on …”)
    * Sheryl Crow: “A Change Would Do You Good” (Really into excellent rock anthems like this right now!)

  • Narcissus” — by Alanis Morissette

    Some lyrics

    Dear egotist boy you’ve never really had to suffer any consequence
    You’ve never stayed with anyone longer than ten minutes
    You’d never understand anyone showing resistance
    Dear popular boy I know you’re used to getting everything so easily
    A stranger to the concept of reciprocity
    People honor boys like you in this society

    And any talk of selflessness
    And any talk of working at this
    And any talk of being of service
    Leaves you running for the door

  • Right out of my Rhapsody “fuck the cake-eaters” playlist, my favorites:

    Peter Gabriel, “More than this”
    Alanis Morissette, “Thank you”, “Not As We”
    Deadmau5, “I Remember”
    Gloria Gaynor, “Let Me Know (I Have a Right)”
    Sinead O’Connor, “Last Day of Our Acquaintance”
    C Lo Green, “Fuck You”
    Annie Lennox “No More ‘I Love You’s”

    And for those who like their catharsis bilingual:
    Ana Torroja, “Ya No Te Quiero”, “Te He Querido Tanto”, “Partir”
    La Ley, “Mentira”, “Al Final”
    Shakira, “No”
    Alejandra Guzmán, “No Voy a Esperar”, “Ahogada en Tu Tristeza”, “Algo Que No Está”
    Bebe, “Tu Silencio”, “Siempre Me Quedará”, “Razones (a Capella)”
    Miguel Bosé, “Hay?”, “Dame Argumentos”, “No Hay Ni Un Corazón Que Valga la Pena”

  • Defying Gravity from Wicked. (I listen to it as if I’m BOTH of the witches, lol)
    “Well if that’s love, it comes at much to great a cost”
    “And if I’m flying solo, at least I’m flying free. To those who try to ground me, take a message back
    from me.”

    Time for me to Fly, REO Speedwagon “I make you laugh and you make me cry, I believe it’s time for me to fly”

    Teach Your Children, Crosby Stills & Nash- must have a code that you can live by.

    Suite: Judy Blue Eyes, CSN- It’s getting to the point where I’m no fun anymore

    Few and Far Between, 10,000 Maniacs- Drop that heavy baggage your dragging behind

    Never Going Back Again, Fleetwood Mac- Been down one time, been down two times (I was thinking of this line the SECOND time I filed for divorce. Never gonna file again, so I better follow through!)

    Calling All Angels, Train- provides hope that there are still good people out there trying to do the right thing!!!

    This Is It, Kenny Loggins

    Love Will Find a Way, Pablo Cruise

    Stuck in a Moment, U2- You can’t get enough of what you don’t really need.

    Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright- Peter, Paul and Mary- You just sort of wasted my precious time, but don’t think twice, it’s alright

    Every Picture Tells a Story, Rod Stweart- There’s No Time For Feeling Inferior

    It Ain’t Me Babe, Johnny Cash

    King of Anything, Sara Barielles

    Fighter, Christina Aguilera


  • >