Dear Chump Lady,
My ex boyfriend from many years ago is getting married this year. He advised me of this by sending me a message through face book. I am not sure why he felt the need to tell me this since I have not kept contact with him. I have avoided his phone calls and never returned his messages and I would not go to see him when he would stop by my work place and ask for me. Why would he do this?
Also, we have a mutual friend and I found out that he never proposed to his fiance, nor gave her a ring until six months later. His reason for that was he did not want to use his money to purchase the ring and that he was waiting for his tax return, and would use that money. He makes a 5 digit salary and lives with his parents, so it’s not that he does not have money saved.
Also, for their wedding he chose the reception hall and the church. Since he works on commission, he said to his fiance that they would not have their honeymoon after their wedding as it is a busy period for him at work. He is looking to buy a million dollar house, and since he will have to pay the mortgage he makes that a reason to have to work long hours . His fiance did offer to help pay for the mortgage and he replied by stating,” how are you going to help?” She makes 40k a year, so to him that is peanuts.
He does not use the word “we” in his conversations when thinking about planning something. He does not call his fiance by her name but refers to her as “her” or “she” when talking about her. You would never be able to tell that he is getting married since on his facebook page there are no pictures of him and his fiance together or pictures of her. A girl tagged him on a picture of herself, and the people that he is friends with on facebook are past women that he has had one night stands with prior to his current relationship. If his fiance had not asked him to remove photos from his facebook, which were of him and his previous girlfriend he would not have done so himself. He admitted to cheating on his previous girlfriends but stated that “he will try to change it, but not sure how.”
He only sees his fiance once a week and does the same activity (going to the movies) with her. He still has his profile on the singles site but is hidden to the public to avoid his fiance from finding out. He states that he is not doing anything wrong, just flirting online.
My question is, why is he getting married when his behaviours are that of a single guy and not that of one whom is in love and committed to his partner?
That’s not the question, is it really? You dodged a bullet. There — THAT’s your answer. He sucks. Internalize it. Now stop with the intense, microscopic study of your ex-boyfriend. You certainly know a lot of minutia about his life, right down to how much his fiance makes a year, their reception hall, and his dating profiles.
Here’s some questions you didn’t ask, but I’ll answer anyway.
Why am I fixated on this idiot? Answer: because you don’t trust that he sucks. If you trusted that he sucked, you’d leave him the hell alone and go truly NC with him. That means not picking up the phone when he calls, or seeing him if he stops by work, or listening to a “mutual friend” prattle on about him. NC isn’t just not initiating contact. It’s not RESPONDING to contact. So you’re half way. Keep going!
It’s like you need the evidence — the Facebook flirting, the shitty way he treats his fiance — to convince yourself that he’s not all that and a bad of chips. He’s buying a “million dollar” house. So, you want to be married to that? You want to be that girl? In the big house with the ring, and the cheater boyfriend who calls you “Her”? If you pity her enough (behind her back) will the obsession wear off?
Should I tell her he’s a cheater? Yes. Send her a link to his dating profile. Somehow you can see something not open to the public. Maybe you should share that password with her. Spare her the humiliation and wasted life and hand-engraved wedding invitations. Be a friend.
And finally, I’ll answer the question you asked — why does he act like a single guy when he’s about to get married? Because he wants to eat cake. Because he’s an immature, narcissistic, abusive asshole. Because he wants all the perks of married life — a faithful wife to pick up his underwear and contribute to his 401K — and all the joys of fucking around on her. Because he sucks.
Put some distance there, Curious. Tell that poor woman. And stop being curious. We all know what he is. And you do too. Time to tell the fiancé and clue her in.