Dear Chump Lady,
I had a partner of 12 years, Kathy. We had a house, two dogs, joint checking account, and we did grow complacent — I can see that now.
She met a “player”, in every bad sense of the word, where she worked. This woman lived just a few miles from us, with her partner of 15 years — Bev. Bev had stage 4 breast cancer at the time of the affair. She was looking okay, but her cancer has since returned, and now it’s terminal. Bev and I have become very good friends and have helped each other through this mess. I will stand by Bev through her cancer and anything else! She is a wonderful person.
This is the first experience with infidelity ever in my life. Bev has experienced this with “Player” on more than one occasion. Kathy and Player don’t like that Bev and I are friends. We found out between us the many, many lies they told about us. They said really awful things about us. I’m not a perfect person, but I was a good partner to her. Maybe too much, as I lost myself. But I really did love her.
I wanted to ask your opinion — Player and Bev have never really disengaged from when all this happened a little over a year ago. Bev busted them at my and Kathy’s home one day. Bev told Player to “get her shit and leave.” Within a few weeks afterwards Kathy and Player both got an apartment together. Keep in mind they had known each other all of 4 months by then!
But Player and Bev have continued to talk on the phone from the get-go. Even when my dumb-ass ex went to stay with a friend for a few days and Player was over there, she would call Bev from there. There would be times I would be at Bev’s house and Player would call whispering! Calls continued, not every day, but continued, and frankly never stopped — and now that Bev is very ill, she calls two to three times a day.
Bev’s sister who is currently staying with her gets so annoyed. As far as my ex, she has been strange about things too. I lost the house, (she got mad and said I should have told her because there were things she still wanted) had to file bankruptcy. I got my own place with the dogs, made fresh starts with friends I had given up, got into some new and fun things. After counseling, the best thing I did was getting out of the house we lived in.
My ex found out where I live — and she has done drive-by’s. I saw, she denied. She won’t call, but she will text. I don’t answer at this point. She caught me off guard again in this last text a week ago when she said “It’s been about a year since we have seen each other..wow” I’m surprised she even remembers quite frankly. I was afraid she was going to ask to see me.
If things were going so good between the two idiots, they wouldn’t need to contact us. Bev does talk to Player, I don’t talk to Kathy — but she continues to send these texts, usually a couple of weeks apart; “how are the dogs?” or things about Anne Hathaway (I’m a big fan).
What do you think of all this?
I think you need to block your number and go NC with Kathy. Yeah, you’re not calling her, but you’re reading the texts. Kathy’s clearly on your mind, and a subject of conversation between you and Bev. You’re giving these two yahoos way too much mental real estate. As wonderful as Bev is, and as terribly sad as it is that she has cancer, your friendship with Bev means being in the orbit of the woman who broke up your relationship. Which isn’t good for you.
And it’s not good for Bev either. Sounds like she’s deep in the humiliating dance of “pick me!” Send her over to Chump Lady. We’ll set her straight.
It’s hard to dump a cheater, and I imagine it is exponentially harder when you have terminal cancer. But it sounds like Bev has been a chumpy chump before you came into the picture. This wasn’t player’s first rodeo, and they were still together. Player still wants what all players want — cake. And she’s not above getting her ego kibbles from a woman dying of cancer. Sicko.
So that’s what Kathy “won.” A serial cheater who’s enmeshed with her ex and cake-eating. I’m sure Player makes her feel very unbalanced and unsafe in the relationship. So that’s why Kathy pesters you — you’re plan B. Nice to keep you on a back burner should something happen with Player. And meanwhile, the cake is tasty.
You cannot control Bev. Just support her in her illness, and try to talk about the other things you have in common, other than infidelity. Take about Anne Hathaway. Take her out to see Les Miserable. Shut her down when she goes on about Player.
As for you? Just keep building that new life without Kathy. NC, NC, NC. I’m sorry you suffered so much loss, but it sounds like you’re bouncing back. While you’re recovering, take back your mind. Those squatters Player and Kathy have been taking up too much living space. They have each other and that’s punishment enough. Be there for Bev and forget those jerks.