I thought I would publish a couple letters I have received recently (with the permission of the chumps in question) letting me know how the “gain a life” portion of the CL manifesto has been working out for them.
The first letter is from Robin, who wrote back in January to ask if she should go after child support after her (now ex) “Pig Shit” abandoned her and their 14 year old son. She writes:
I still read the posts on chumplady.com everyday and still think you give the best advice out there. Just wanted to give a little update on me, my son and Pigshit. He got a job in January so child support is going to be much easier (straight out of his check). It isn’t completely settled yet but we’ve had two mediations and now it is headed to court in front of a judge. I have maintained no contact until mediation and you are so right…..NO CONTACT is the ONLY way.
He was really pissed off about me filing for child support which in turn gave me such happiness 🙂 He even managed to squeak out a couple of fake tears once or twice 🙂 Last Sunday he finally called my son and asked him if he wanted to go to lunch. He had his other son with him so my son said yes. Don’t think it made any difference to my son, but I was glad he finally made an effort.
He came to my house to pick up my son and he got to see my brand new truck. (Took your advise on spending a little money). He said, “Oh, now I get the child support thing” and I said, “No, that money is for our son. Now that I’m not spending my money on you and your bills, I am able to make a pickup payment.” 🙂 He may have squeezed out another tear for real that time….HA HA. I’ve had a pretty great time these last couple of months…..Nail tips and pedicure (my first ever), some new clothes for summer and some really great new sandals. I love summer in Texas! My son and a couple of friends are going to Austin in July with my mom and I am going with my sister and a cousin to Vegas! It has now been 5 months since that awful day and I sometimes wonder what I was so sad about. The possibilities for our lives now seem endless. Happy Days Ahead! Thank you for all you do. It may just be a little blog somewhere on the internet, but it has helped me and so many others with your “no bullshit”, “take no prisoners”, “your life WILL be better” attitude. Thank you, Tracy!
P.S. His new job? He is a county dog catcher!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Life is just too damn funny sometimes!
Hey Robin — Thanks for letting us now how you are, and for investing in your son and your awesome new life. Sounds like you are doing terrific! I am resisting making a bad joke about cheaters being “dog” catchers…. Love that you have a new truck! And pretty new pedicured feet to push the pedal with with, far, far away from his cheating ass. Happy days indeed. 🙂
Just what the doctor ordered. Thanks for sharing Robin.
PS Hope someday to write a similar letter
Me, too. Right now I’m just swimming in debt he refuses to pay. Very anxious about our mediation scheduled in May. This man is mean and cheap.
I am sorry to hear about the debt issue you are dealing with; I had the same problem with my mean, cheap, now ex. The only thing I can tell you is that sometimes it takes time to go through all of the legal formalities, but eventually you will be in control of your own money and oh, does it feel good to know someone else is not in control of your life. BTW, it took about 2 and 1/2 years for me to be in reasonable control because it was a very messy divorce (still 1 possible liability, but highly unlikely because of the divorce decree). I wish you all the best:)
Just have to tell you. My sister divorced many years ago. remarried ( a good guy I’m not lying) Anyway 6 years after divorce she and H are going to buy house and guess what 1st husband had not paid his agreed to portion of debt! She was still stuck with the bill!
See, we can do it, it is our job to do this, to get on with our lives and stop caring about dog catchers. I may stumble along the way, but I still have forward momentum.
Robin, that is sweet!!
This is great news.
It can be hard to do the no contact or limited contact thing, particularly if the narc in question is a parent and other family members try to hold things together. That said, seeing people realistically and evaluating whether or not they are good for you — and then coming to a final decision about your future relations (which can be everything from NC to some contact, but always being on guard) really is liberating. And CL has a great way laying out the logic for this liberation. Congrats to CL. A great writer who calls ’em as she sees ’em.
As Kenny Rogers says, “You gotta know when to hold ’em, and when to fold ’em.” And in these cases (with a narc), the folding can set you free……
Awesome post! My ex NPD cheating, lying freakhole is over $15,000 behind in child support. He still presents himself on Facebook as inspirational dad of the year to his 5,000 “friends”, though.
Ugh. Mine does that, too. Posts pics of the kids on Facebook to show what a “dedicated” father he is. What a joke.
Mine has pictures of him with our children on his business website, with him on his Linked In profile. But he hasn’t seen or had contact with our children since D-Day over 1 year ago.
Great to read this story and absorb all of the optimism associated with it – thanks, Tracy and Robin! It also gives me a perfect idea of what to tell my ex when he hears Im having a pool put in. My ex is another one who has not had a job for a year and does not pay child support. It’s only $450/mo for 3 young kids, so it’s not a lot at all, but since he cashed out his retirement and is living off of that he just doesn’t feel the need to contribute. (He also lives far away and only sees them about 2 wks/yr total.) Anyway, he is a big spender and even bigger alcoholic, so I now no longer dread him hearing about the pool 🙂 When he starts his nastiness, I’ll just copy what Robin said and tell him that all of the money Im saving on his alcohol and other expenses enabled me to afford it for me and the kids 🙂 And like you in TX, Robin, we will be enjoying that pool this summer here in the desert SW!!!
So great to hear! I dream about no contact as I text my husband for the twentieth time about please let’s come up with a temporary agreement for custody and child support. No, the courts and lawyers will decide for us, he says. So once again he is looking to let someone else make all of his decisions for him. Freaking mental midget.
The court must determine child support not either of you. Take care in setting temporary support. Just a caution.
But if you reach an agreement and it’s above what the court dictates, it would be approved right? My husband sweats he wants us to stay in the family home. But I shouldn’t hold my breath I suppose. I doubt any man would pay more than required so I don’t know why I’m holding out hope.
Do you have anything in email where he says he wants you to stay in the family home? Document his “wishes.” Sounds like he’s stringing you along in limbo for cake. Your attorney (please tell me you have a lawyer) can get in front of a judge immediately for temporary support orders, based on your respective incomes. Get that money in NOW. You can argue about the settlement later. Don’t give him your power. You need a lawyer to help you with this. Don’t look to him.
I do have a lawyer. In the beginning my husband just wanted me to meet with his lawyer, informally he said. When I laughed and said hell no, he said, ‘I thought we could just be amicable about this.’ Yeah whatever.
In the PowerPoint that I found on our family computer that outlined exactly WHY I was to BLAME for his affair, it also said that he wished for the kids and I to stay in our home. However since the PowerPoint consisted of the ramblings of a crazy man, I’m not sure how much stock that would hold.
I’m screwed if he just gives me what the court says. I need another $1,000/month to pay the bills. Hell who am I kidding? I’m going to be house poor and I’m going to have to sell and move in with my parents for a while. I really hate my husband.
Child support is determined by the court based on his income. If he makes considerably more than you do, they will award spousal maintenance (alimony) in accordance with what he makes, compared to what you make. If you cannot live on the amounts awarded plus your salary, you will need to sell the house in order to move into more affordable digs. Beware, it is possible his attorney will suggest you live in the house until your youngest child reaches the age of 18 and at that time the court will order the house sold and the proceeds divided between you and the snake. Hope this helps.
Even if it sound screwed up to you it is still relavant. I don’t know what stae you live in. Mine is very easy equitable distribution. He can’t dictate to you how you will live after divorce. If you can’t afford house then sell and get out now. Don’t let his lawyer tell you you must live there until child 18. Many men say “yeah they will pay mortgage “and then don’t. I can think of more than 1 woman who fell for this. My friend became homeless and her kids moved in with x because he didn’t pay mortgage and house foreclosed.
Plus you will never recoup what you pay to maintain the house in the interim. If you have to fix plumbing, do landscaping, re-roof, repair siding, replace windows … — unless it is in the court documents that the ex has to pay for half of all that maintenance, you will never get that money back, and the ex will still benefit from those improvements when you have to split the proceeds when you sell.
Again, the courts set child support. It is based on his salary.
Hi robin. Glad to see things are going better. I see that karma is your friend too. Good to see that she gets around. Trust me when I say she isn’t done yet. Best of luck.
Thank you Miss Robin! You have made me smile so big My daughters and I send you MANY X’s and O’s!!! My toes are red in support of YOUR toes!
Keep them coming 🙂 We all need some expiration… This post reminded me of the time when we moved thousands of miles away. For job reasons I was the first one to arrive at the new place. For about six months I was all by myself, running around day and night to get everything in place for the family: home, car, school for the kids, you name it. It was hard, but it felt so good, because I was the one in control, I was the one making the decisions independently without having to listen to others or waiting for their decision or approval… I guess this feeling of being in the driver’s seat again, not having to consult with any one or put up with their demands is what made it so sweet and rewarding. I felt empowered. I felt like I could move mountains… I would imagine this is how one feels when divorce/separation is over and we reclaim our life, just hundreds times better 🙂 I know, one day I will be in that state of mind again 🙂
Inspiration not expiration 🙂
I’m glad you are feeling so empowered. I, too, am hoping that this feeling will happen for me. Right now, I am in extended limbo and having a lot of anxiety about the divorce and custody ahead of me. How mean/nasty/violent will my STBXH be? How much parenting time/custody will he get of my kids? I am scared. And I don’t know what my future holds, for me or my children. I would love for them to have as little contact with their narc-father as possible, but in reality he will probably get a good-sized chunk of parenting time.
I am *greatly* hoping that, someday, I will feel as you do now – empowered and happy with your new life. I want to get there, too, and it great to hear your experience because it does give me hope.