Hey chumps, give me a hand — I’d love your reaction to this new, dreadful TV series coming to the US (apparently it’s already been inflicted on England) called “Mistresses.”
“Love is complicated.”
Yes. They pay people in Hollywood lots of money to write those cliches.
Anywho, I just found out about it, because a producer from HuffPo emailed to get my reaction to it on a HuffPo Live panel tomorrow at 1:30 p.m. Eastern time. Tune in and watch me be the killjoy that says “sociopathy is not sexy.”
We are producing a segment for Monday about mistresses and I would like to invite you to be a guest on our panel. The segment is inspired by the new ABC show “Mistresses” and we will be discussing how mistresses are viewed by society and the differences in the way men and women perceive mistresses. We will also discuss whether society is becoming more accepting of extra-marital affairs. I would like to invite you to be a guest on our show to share your personal story and your thoughts on this topic.
So I know what my thoughts on “Mistresses” are. (Bad words. Cue George Carlin’s 7 words you cannot say on television…) What are yours?
ETA — Here’s the link to me on HuffPo today.
I think I broke the HuffPo record for saying “sociopath” in a 30 minute segment.
It was a good panel. An actor from the show, two OW, and two chumps (Jewel’s, who is terrific btw, a plug for her site — A Cheating Husband ) In an interesting reveal, about two thirds of the way in, the moderator admits he cheated on his girlfriend. A friend had the temerity to tell him he was a scumbag! Imagine.
In the past, I may possibly have found a show like that to be entertaining fluff.
I have quite a different reaction now – seeing cheating depicted on the screen or on the pages of a book, I feel sick. And angry – really, really angry. And if something unfortunate happens to the cheaters/APs, I’m glad. It’s horrible to feel that way about someone’s misery, I know. But I have not found the enlightenment that allows me to show any form of sympathy to perpetrators of an affair. Let them reap what they sow.
Shows glorifying cheating make me angry, too.
I can’t even watch the shows that even have cheating in the plot, even if the cheating isn’t glorified. It all makes me sick. I guess I’m still too close to dday to be able to stomach any of it.
Why don’t they make shows based on true stories. Screen plays would be a breeze, well, except for that jet I sent OW on over a couple of states. ONLY use stories from chumps, NO CONTACT with the cheaters. Hmmmmmm?
Personally I think cheaters should be stoned as in the biblical days. Or at least have stocks like in colonial times, you know, the wooden structures that held the person in place by their neck and hands and were in the middle of the public square? I think adulterers and their partners should have a minimum of 24 hours in the stocks with a big sign saying “Lying, cheating scum,” and everyone passing by throwing rotten vegetables.
It doesn’t surprise me that there is going to be a show about whores, I mean mistresses. Our society is descending into a cesspool of immorality, hedonism and narcissism, and when you consider that websites like Ashley Madison are popular, why not celebrate adultery with a TV show?
You got it, Glad. Bring back shame!
shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits!
And tits doesn’t even belong on the list!
…and now, my dear, I am going to kiss you, very , very quickly and very, very hard…
Inflicting pain on children is not sexy.
Exactly. How do children feel about these shows, children who have had their father or mother cheat and then implode their lives? Children who see the pain that their parent has caused in their other parent? Kids who now have to live in two homes, and are subjected to the AP and his/her spawn?
This is where there seems to be absolute silence on the issue. Off the top of my head, I can think of movies where the pain of the betrayed is shown, but I honestly can’t think of a show that demonstrates the children’s pain. I guess that isn’t sexy and doesn’t sell as well.
I just noticed someone called the children of the ap “spawn”. I have done that myself as we’ll as “mutant children” and some other choice words. In reality, I know I shouldn’t and quite frankly I feel sorry for those kids because really it must suck to get left at home with the babysitter so your mom can go screw a married man Does anyone know or know I the children of mistresses and what their take on their home wrecking parents is!
Our society is all about “children are so resilient” and “divorce doesn’t hurt children because they adjust.” Lies that are told so that narcissistic adults doing whatever they want to do can feel okay about their choices.
That’s exactly how I feel! My husband said that our kids will get over the divorce. Our kids will move on in life but they will never be the same again, you selfish asshole, and if that doesn’t hurt your heart even a little, you’re not fit to be a father.
my 13 year old step daughter spent the weekend at a former neighbor’s who daughter was the same age. They’s had had to sell their home next door to us and move d/t divorce a year or so prior.
Hubby to Stepdaughter when she gets home: “How’s Mrs Former Neighbor and Neighbor Daughter doing”?
SD to Hubby: “Pretty good I guess. Mrs FN says and that she and Mr Former Neighbor get along much better divorced and they’re still best friends”
Hubby to SD: “Well sounds like things are settling. What’s Mrs FN been doing to keep busy?”
Daughter to Hubby: ” Doesn’t sound like they’ve been doing too much. Mrs FN ws telling me that she’s in love with her boss, but they don’t get to spend too much time together and go out because he’s married and he told her he won’t leave his wife”.
…but nice to hear that she and Mr FN are ‘best friends” …
O BARF! this is just more stupid shit.
o how i miss my sifi shows. those days are gone 🙁
I’m with ya, Mark! Moving day (for me) is this Friday, and I think I’m going to have a marathon of Star Trek NG or DS9 on Sunday – I need me some good old-fashioned celebratory escapism! Sure wish Firefly was still on too 🙁
Never saw Firefly.
Syfy shows rule 🙂
Living, I so wish you well on the move. (I wish it was my turn.) Stay busy, watch sci-fi until the screen goes black. Good luck to you. We will all still be here any time you need to vent or a shoulder for strength.
Thanks Yoder. Yep – I gotcha on the busy. Keeping busy is the only way I’ve found to not be constantly in a sobbing heap. I really am grateful to CL for her incisive blog and this forum full of compassionate empathetic (none of that at home!) people.
Where are you moving to? Closer to raleigh? Let me know if you fancy a glass of wine and a bitchfest 😉
I’d love to meet you over a glass (or two) of wine! I am moving closer to work (which is not Raleigh) – I will have a killer 2 minute commute heh heh. Gotta have some good out of this ugly mess. My daughter lives in Morrisville, and I do visit her fairly regularly; maybe we could meet up there? Or Apex? Do you have a favorite place? I am not really familiar with the available eateries.
Or five!! lol 😉
I dont know Apex at all unfortunately but Morrisville is pretty close to me 🙂
Let me know whenever you’re around and we can work out a venue !
I am tired of society condoning this behavior. Shows such was this contribute to making the actions of the cheater/affair partner acceptable.
Adultery is wrong, and there is nothing glamorous about it.
I wholeheartedly agree. So much of what’s on television appeals to the lowest, common denominator. Sadly, many people believe what they are told and accept television depictions as reality. And I think this in turn helps to create a morally-depraved society. If this show glamorizes mistresses, then it condones the callous, selfish sense of entitlement of those who have affairs with married people as well as the harmful acts of aggression by one spouse against another. The justified sadness, hurt, and anger that come from being the victim of a cheater’s actions probably does not present the prospect for big bucks in Hollywood. Television is a business and titillation sells. Nice statement about our culture.
Well, Hello to you Huffpo person asking for comments and participation in the *Mistress* discussion. May I suggest that you might very well be a perfect candidate to participate in this discussion since I know for a fact that your BF is fucking your BFF. Didn’t think it could happen to you??? Me either!!
PCYCH! and welcome to the club. How do you think it feels? Hmmm???
Take your mistress segment and jam it up your ass. Sideways.
Oops. I have my bitch britches on.
I know for me it’s still very raw and when I see glib references to adultery in popular culture, it causes me physical pain. I have experienced PTSD-like symptoms that can be triggered by any little thing. A sitcom about mistresses? No thank you!
My kids were watching an SNL rerun the other day and there was a skit about a gameshow where the host revealed that he had been sleeping with the wife and the husband wouldn’t get it at first and the audience laughed and laughed as it dawned on the poor sap. It was something like that; honestly I was concentrating on not knocking over any furniture as I sprinted out of the room with my fingers jammed in my ears going “Lalalalalala.”
Not that long ago, people laughed at domestic violence and racial oppression yet somehow we have grown collectively wiser in that regard. Is it just that people don’t recognize the very real hardship, agony, and suffering caused by infidelity? Is it that we have lost touch with a key foundation of society (the family)? How can we be growing more and more sensitive toward any made up malady and progressively less sensitive to something that RUINS PEOPLE’S LIVES?
Yes, I can (and in fact NEED to) laugh with my beloved friends on CL. We share a bond. We are an exclusive club and everyone here has paid their dues in tears, sleepless nights, and pounds shed or gained. I do not plan to tune in, not because of the toll it will likely take on my furniture, but because there is something really, really vile about an outsider laughing at my anguish – laughing at my children’s heartbreak. I cant imagine the show will be popular among the survivors of infidelity; but I further find it loathsome that ANYONE would watch, let alone produce, such a show.
Sorry Joyce, I meant for that to go in the main body, not as a reply to you. I do all of my CL stalking and blubbering on an iPhone and it’s really hard to see through all these stupid tears.
At least there’s no laugh track.
Well HearthBuilder I am LOLing thinking about the bozos who thought this one up and then asked CL to be on the panel
No comment/reaction really except to say BRAVO CL….you are hitting some nerves..fairly deep I’d say! Desperate fore ratings throws together badly written “sensationalist” type of show that will only make it IF the feedback is crazy so drag in CL who has a huge following for RATINGS…GO CL GET ‘ EM!! XO
Vomit. WTF!!! Why are they trying to encourage something that completely destroys families and makes the cheater think that they can have their cake and eat it too. For a lot of these cheaters, they also have this delusion that the grass is greener on the other side and now we have a television show to imitate life which causes so much pain to innocent spouses and children, which is teaching our children that this might be just a normal part of relationships. I am disgusted!!! Only 2 things that make me want to say bad words; this stupid show and my ex. Love is NOT complicated; real love takes deep commitment and sincere caring for the other person, this show; however, is pure lust, a fantasy and IMO a drug…that great feeling that you get when you first meet someone and you are looking through rose-colored glasses…BS!!!
I think I just threw up a little.
I did look up the show to see what, if any, justification there could be. According to one statement I read it’s “not just whoring around, it’s about how one mistake can snowball.” So while the idea makes me ill, depending on how they do it, it could be fun to watch the whores get their lives ruined…IF that is how the show goes. I am sure someone I know will watch it and feel the need to fill me in since I get to be the outcast who chose a cheater (so far) Lol
I was wondering if it will be a show where the cheaters get hard done by. That’s something I’d happily watch.
That gives snowballs a bad name.
Gotta love how Hollywood always strays from reality into the surreal.
….Cause you know ALL mistresses are tight-assed Size 4’s with big boobs who look like Alyssa Milano.
And WHO exactly is the intended audience for this show? Cause you know this is EXACTLY the type of show cheating Bob and his chumpy wife Jane are gonna sit down and watch on a Tuesday night.
When the producer called to ask about my experience with mistresses (as a chump), I told her mine wasn’t Alyssa Milano — she was a “bipolar alcoholic” (according to my ex). But the one that got a laugh was my husband’s ex-wife — a practiced mistress (aka serial cheater) — she met her last couple affair partners playing World of Warcraft, pretending to be a “troll priestess.”
Find the glamor in that, Hollywood!
my wasband’s main FB is obese, homely, and has lupus. (his words)
sexy, ain’t it?
That was truly disgusting.
Here’s how I feel about mistresses: They are pathetic. They are emotionally unhealthy.
Some great comments above. Particularly the one about the kinds of jokes we used to laugh at: racist jokes (minstrel shows), gay jokes, etc. I think this falls into that category.
I also agree that all the people who are fooling around are beautiful models, both the men and the women. Not very realistic.
I wonder if a show that showed the chumped side would get any traction? Well, CL, I wish you luck on the panel. At least they asked you. Give ’em hell.
Minstrel show — I’m going to use that! Thank you. 🙂
Have you seen the Client List?
Drop dead gorgeous massage therapists giving extras.
You know, this show is part of the “culture war” that you have been talking about. Now, I’m not a fan of the right-wing culture war (anti-gay, anti-this, anti-that), but the idea that the concept might apply to chumps seems relevant.
How about a show glamorizing abandoned Moms and tough kids who are pulling through Dad abandonment? (Or the reverse. Again, I comment more ferociously on the things I know, and the cases I know involve running-dog dads.) Brain surgeon Dad dominates everyone during his marriage, is a control freak, makes everyone dependent on him, and then suddenly he feels “burdened.” So, he takes off and ex and kids have to bear up. What about THAT story? Mom has to emerge as leader. The kids have to toughen up and take on tasks. And they DO so as they all start that long odyssey, that journey on the Road to Meh. If you ask me, that’s an heroic tale.
I think Hollywood is missing the boat on this one. I hope the show flops. The story to be told is one above.
You never used the term “culture war,” I did. But you have started a conversation about our culture, what it glorifies and what it ignores. And I think you are fighting it.
Good luck with that panel.
Much of what passes for entertainment on TV today is disgusting on so many levels. Read somewhere that scenes were so gross that some stations discontinued showing a show about Hannibel Lexor. Then there is “Dexter” a show with a very odd premise I can’t even fiqure out how it is entertaining. So why not a show that glamorizes extra marital sex(I wonder how many OW’s look like the one in the picture?) How about a reality show about cheating spouses. I’ve never seen “Cheaters” Has anyone? Yes, your husband has traded your worn out self of 23 yrs for the supposed glamor of an old girl friend. They put down old worn out race horses don’t they. How about a show about that? Sorry early morning rant. I should turn this energy towards scrubbing the bath tub!
FYI: as I scrolled up to the top of this post I see that this is a new show on ABC. Networks and their affliates are VERY sensitive to bad publicity. If this show airs on a network on your cable call your cable, write your network etc… Chumps Unite we will not take tha glamorization of adultery being broadcast into our nations livingrooms. It is one of the top 10 sins. It has broken the homes of many families and hurt many children. How dare they!
I think that this show and many others like it on TV now is an embarrassment to the ‘western culture.’ Already we have proven our narcissism, greed and exploitive ways have been the downfall our our economy… Now we’re proving the very same in our moral and cultural beliefs pertaining to the sanctity of marriage and the family unit! It ‘s an embarrassment to the whole world and very irresponsible for the network and country to be airing such garbage!!!
While scrubbing the bathtub I had a revalation: Quite frankly adultery has been glamorized for decades and pumped into our homes over the airways. has anyone seen the soaps?
Why don’t they have a show titled “chumps” shown right after this train wreck of a series. It can show the grief-stricken chump as she discovers the family’s money has been spent on whores, the chump having suicidal thoughts and barely keeping it together for the three small kids she has been left to feed and care for while daddy is on a date with his mistress, the crying kids wanting to know why their dad isn’t home again, the parent teacher conferences where the teacher tells you your kid is acting out and crying at school and you have to explain the situation at home, the husband canceling the family vacation so as not to anger the mistress. Am i missing anything?
I guarantee this show will show none of the true consequences of infidelity and it does nothing more than desensitize society to the fucking havoc infidelity wreaks by normalizing it.
LOVE this. What about the wife getting checked out for STD’s? You, know, booking the appointment, explaining to the physician, going through the exam, standing in line at the lab, watching the look on the lab tech’s face as she prints out the STD screen sample labels. Oh, then waiting for the results. That’s not sexy, especially for those unfortunate enough to get a bad result.
How about the part where the married-type ex-spouse is now the token single at all the get-togethers with the other families they socialize with?
Oh, the pitied looks, the stupid shit that your well-meaning friends say (HEY! A new comedy idea!) How about when the volunteer coordinator goes on and on about how we should involve our spouses to help out, too?
Oh, when you get the divorce attorney bills? Awesome!
The Facebook pics of the two of them having a blast?
But the chump just keeeeeeeeeeeeps smiling! “Who me? I’m fine! I’m fine!”
We could go on and on!
Your comment about the doc appts getting tested for stds just brought tears to my eyes. I remember breaking down in the docs office (on ONE of the appts) waiting for my results.
I am interested to know the intended story arc of the series. Maybe the chump will triumph in the end. Get away. Last scene is her sitting on a beach sipping a frosty fruity drink with her kids happily frolicking in the waves, glad to be rid of the cheater and flash to the now pregnant mistress 40 pounds heavier and demanding expensive nursery furniture.
Now that would be good reality TV
I think they should just call the show, “Stupid, Stupid Whores.”
And perhaps coming next season? A show about the funny, quirky, edgy roller-coaster lives drunk drivers who kill people. “Because driving is complicated.”
Good one, nomar.
LOL! Driving is complicated!
LOL, awesome, Nomar! Imagine all the great comedies Hellwood could write:
A comedy about child molesters
Reality TV show about prostitutes and their pimps
A funny look at someone going nuts and shooting up their workplace
the hilarious yuckyucks of a man with serious mental illness and his occasional suicide attempts
A comedy about dying from cancer
I don’t watch any TV at all, and see maybe one or two movies a year. The crap spewed out of the entertainment industry pretty much makes me want to barf.
GladIt’sOver – “the hilarious yuckyucks of a man with serious mental illness and his occasional suicide attempts” Just went through this yesterday with a friend. He is 70, now in the hospital, today will be admitted to a long term care psychiatric facility 41/2 hours away. Has no family, I am his POA (power of attorney). I have been dealing with him for twenty years. Having said all this, there really have been moments of levity and I have often wondered why movies, heavy drama, never inserts those occasional moments when a little levity somehow manages to help get you through the carnage. The reality is that these moments do occur and are part of the real story. I do not think they would break the suspension of disbelief. Handled correctly for instance, my story of the wild goose chase on which I sent the OW is just deliciously funny and I will, in time, write a screen play about it. Maybe there IS a way to present cheating, as form of entertainment with the cheater and OW placed in roles as idiot blood suckers, which they really are. The chumps, now that is the drama and eventually their demise as functioning human beings.
The problem is, however – that these shows do already exist in the USA
Dexter – about a serial killer
House – about a drug addled prostitute user
Rules of Engagement – includes a regular prostitute user
2 and a half men – an alcoholic sex addict
I’m sure there are others. I’m still floored that American TV seems to glamourise these behaviours.
No wonder they are cropping up in modern day life, as they are being normalized if not celebrated on TV every day.
I can’t believe
Nurse Jackie – cheating drug addict
Californication – sex addict
Oh please – one of the X’s male friends actually said to me that the X was “Just like Charlie Sheen”….Really. Funny. Still Laughing.
You mean other than the talent, charisma, power, and money?
Yeah. “Just like.”
P.S. I’m not a Sheen fan but I recognize the history of his accomplishments in his field (“Apocolypse Now,” e.g.). A classic case of what Chumplady describes as sparkly narcissists who have actually have something to sparkle about. Most NPDs, by contrast, are all sparkle and no substance. They are the cubic zirconium of personalities. Think: Kardashian
My cheating ex? She was “just like” Kim Kardashian. That is, a Kardashian without the body or money or fame. And how charming is *that*?
Yeah – my ex started wearing those Tommy Bahama shirts.
I’m sure he thought he was Charlie Sheen’s doppelganger. Puke.
Maybe all of us should start blaming Charlie and Kim – because obviously OUR X idiots don’t know how to live and have to learn by watching TV? We can sue them or something for setting bad examples…? What a defense – “Charlie Sheen made me do it!” “I just wanted to sparkle too!”
And perhaps coming next season? A show about the funny, quirky, edgy roller-coaster lives drunk drivers who kill people. “Because driving is complicated.”
Oh, CL you absolutely MUST use this line when you appear on the panel.
And there has been a show about the chump left behind. I forget the title, but it starred Reba McIntire. While she was certainly surviving/thriving without her idiot cheater, they unrealistically threw in her friendship with the ditzy wifetress. I think she was the dental hygienist to the ex/cheater’s dentist. Before my Dday, and I only saw it a couple of times, but thought it was “off” even then. Who stays friends with someone who cheated on you – especially becoming friends with the mental midget mistress?
Reba did that in her previous sitcom too.
What will the morons think of next? Just goes to show the crap they line up on tv these days. Next thing is they will have a ‘reality’ show about it….oh wait, CHEATERS is already on. What a train wreck that is.
I figure they already made movies about hookers with hearts of gold (Pretty Woman) so why NOT make a show, and a MOVIE next about the poor husband and his skank whore? What would they name it? Something ridiculous like: My life is golden…or some stupid title.
Honestly, I cannot watch anything with cheating involved anymore. I just cannot stomach it. Movies I watched before: Unfaithful, Matchpoint, Closer, Walk the Line…those movies just leave a bitter taste in my mouth now I will flip the channel on by.
Wow ABC, you’ve sunk to a new low.
I think they would name ” Shmoopies!”
I have already seen the promos for this show, and I can tell you that even before the A, I would have thought that it was disgusting and tasteless. Furthermore, the acting just looks terrible! I hope they yank it right away because no one is watching it. Shame on you, Alyssa Milano!
that promo was disgusting and what a despicable premise. The only remotely redeeming thing about it is that it sure didn’t make cheating look fun. Or was that just me? Ugh.
And if that ovulating “joke” is the best they have then it really shouldn’t last long.
I agree. The ovulating line was totally unfunny and just plain awkward. Do we want to know that much about Alyssa Milano’s cycle? I do not.
Agreed, most APs do *not* look like Alyssa Milano. But that’s how exactly how APs feel – they feel glamorous, like they are so attractive, sexy, and irresistible that they lured a married man away from his wife & kids. A much greater accomplishment, in their minds, than bedding a single guy. (Or woman, this goes for both AP genders.)
Likewise, cheaters feel like they are James Bond – they have secret texts, phone calls on the sly, top-secret meetups with their lover, and they are *so smart* because they are pulling all of this off. They are so much of a man, they need two women – a wife and a mistress. And it’s about time, they deserve this! They were under-appreciated in their jobs, at home, etc., their life was boring, but not now – now they have a top-secret mission that they truly feel validates them as superior, sexy, smart and successful.
Deluded, of course. All of this really feeds narcissistic fantasy, so I’m not surprised that cheaters and APs are often NPDs.
LiningUpDucks, you nailed it. The excitement, the thrill of fooling the chump spouse, the secrets and danger….. for NPD folk, this is what life is all about.
Did you see this woman on huffpo?
She keeps mentioning “glamourous” locations, and people who have cheated.
She clearly thinks she’s “glamourous” too.
“I am honest”
She actually says that!!! WTF??!!! So one of the qualities someone should look for in an AP when cheating on thier spouse is honesty? What does that even MEAN!!!??? I’m SO confused. I am obviously not intelligent enogh to read the cheaters blog on Huff Po because that really, Reeaalllyyy confuses me! (And that’s why I try to stay away from Huff Po)
She needs therapy. And lots of it 🙂
Omgoodness, after reading this I am so mad. She has convinced herself that her married man was in an unloving marriage, and therefore it made it okay to cheat.
What she doesn’t realize (and probably won’t ever admit, because it would be too painful) is that he probably has a pretty damn good life with his wife. He spends lots of time with her, considers her his best friend, and still has lots of sex with her!! Yes, he was probably having sex with the huffpo-Ho and then going home and having sex with his wife, too. Cheating on the OW, as it would be.
This scenario happens more often than mistresses care to admit. The married guy is really using them both – the wife and the OW.
Exactly. By definition they are in a relationship with a liar and a cheat.
But somehow they think that person is honest with *them* ??!!!
Wish I didn’t read that huffpo piece, she actually said: “I don’t like to call what Tom did “cheating” because both parties in a marriage are being cheated out of something, so who is the cheater if we stay too long in a marriage?”
And that this married guy was her “soul mate”, gag me, ex’s OW said the same thing to him in emails. And all that shit about not getting what you need in the marriage? well, no shit sherlock, if you take your toys outside the marriage neither gets their needs met.
Lastly, she took the guys word on what was wrong in his marriage, I know dam well most of it was bullshit. My ex told everyone we hadn’t had sex in years, he just forgot to mention that the reason for that was that HE REFUSED TO HAVE SEX WITH ME, let me repeat, he said he needed to cheat because HE REFUSED TO HAVE SEX WITH ME. No wait! he never mentioned WHY we didn’t have sex. She’s an OW, of course she has to rationalize her shitty ethics…
Oh yeah, if you look in the comments, we had quite the back and forth. She’s a wing nut.
A large percentage of the comments are mine 🙂
LiningUpDucks, “Likewise, cheaters feel like they are James Bond” H wrote in an e-mail to OW, “We have kept our looks. We have taken care of ourselves.”
Thought I would puke. They obviously never looked in the mirror. You can imagine what a has-been and a never-was look like in their sixties. It isn’t pretty, trust me.
Yeah–the James Bond effect. I’m sure it was SOOOOOO much awesomer when it was all secret. That’s why I enjoyed pulling the plug on that shit. Buh-bye! Enjoy your new life together! Live the fantasy! Have fun!
And I’m sure it was fun for a while. But now he’s an angry old man with a pretty homewrecker he can screw any time he wants. It must be so exciting!
Well, minus the part where you lose all respect from people who know the truth.
This nails it, LiningUpDucks.
I think that a Mistresses series will make bad reality TV, which means it’s good reality TV. There’s something appealing about watching other people’s train wrecks, though it’s not as much fun when the train wreck is either your own, a family member’s, or a close friend’s. The reality of infidelity is that it forever destroys what used to be unfailing trust in the other person. For example, today my STBX called me to make sure that I could let the dogs out at lunch because his office was throwing a birthday party for one of his staffers. Before Dday, I’d have believed this without question. Now? Let’s just say that I made sure to look to see if his car were in the company parking lot when I passed it on the way home at lunch.
That kind of suspicion will make good drama on television. It makes a crummy everyday reality.
In a lot of ways, though, LiningUpDucks hits it on the head. In the Affair, both people assume roles that seem like bad TV cliches. OW feels glamorous. She changed her Facebook and LinkedIn profiles to have a kind of bedroom, “come hither” sensuous pouty pose. She’s texted my STBX to tell him how she was voted as hottest whatever when she was just out of high school. When she was just out of high school, she may have been hot, but she was also PREGNANT. Now she’s 40, 5’3″, and 207lbs. Hot? Not so much, but in her mind, she’s Emma Swan from “Once Upon a Time” (really–this is a series she looooves).
For both, being in the affair plays to the fantasy.
I suppose that the series will play to the fantasy, too. There will be the hot APs, the neglected spouses, the betrayed spouses (who have it coming?)–all the cliches. As long as the series shows that lying and cheating on one’s spouse causes more problems than it solves, then fine.
But I’m not holding my breath, and I’m certainly not watching a series that capitalizes on my misery.
I honestly could have commented on every single comment above. You guys are an amazing bunch, really. Smarter and funnier writers than the networks too. Who needs TV when we have CL? 🙂 XO!
I guess that is just what some of the AP/whores wish they were like.
In reality they are nuts or addicts or narcs, or just pervs enough to enjoy ruining other folks’ lives. Regardless, they don’t have loving and supportive friendship networks, as we know from the talk here onCL, they are rarely, if ever, ‘gorgeous’ (and, by definition, never gorgeous on the inside…).
In fact, they stink. And I bet if you look closely, you can see that they stink–character it shows on the outside.
So this show? It’s a fantasy that cruel, pain-inflicting, betrayers of love and trust are anything other than scum.
If I remember correctly, in the British version only one of them was actually a mistress.
And not to screw up anyone’s viewing or anything, but her whole life was kinda effed by it.
American versions of these things tend to stray quite far from the original however.
This could be fun– what would the promo for a show like Mistresses be like if based on your life?
Opening shot: A skinny, dorky nerd type frantically sex chatting on his computer through a cheaters’ website
Cut to: A plain, marmish SAHM ignoring her kids while she stares like an addict at the screen, frantically typing back her own sex chat
Next scene: The two awkward lovers meet, and they have awkward sex in the back of the man’s very dorky, cheap car that he’s moved the kids’ car seats out of to make room. The woman reminds the man that she can’t stay too long because the babysitter needs to be home by midnight.
Cut to afterwards: The two dorks, all sweaty and disheveled, have a deep, post-coital discussion:
Man: “That was amazing. I love that I’m a total stranger to you, and you still let me have sex without a condom. I love you.”
Woman: “I just can’t stand my life in my expensive, suburban home with my two perfect children and husband who makes six figures. Take me away from all of this! Only you understand me. You’re my soulmate.”
I could go on for pages, but I’ll just Fade to Black. 😀
Excellent MO. And bonus points for using the word “marmish.”
HuffPo, your focus is way off. Who cares how “society” views mistresses. Society’s view is tainted by the media. I agree with the posts above, you have to have to ask us chumps how WE view mistresses to get at what’s REAL. I do take comfort in having CL representing us chumps though.
IMO, the mistress is a sucker who fell for a load of crap!
I don’t know. There are probably mistresses (and mister-ses… whatever) who are fooled or unaware; but my completely unsubstantiated guess is that the vast majority of them know exactly what’s going on and either don’t care or actually prefer it that way. I’m sure the natural reaction, at least for the “don’t care” crowd, is to say “I had no idea, I’m a victim too.”
CL, I think you should speak to how cheating is abuse. Lying to your partner, taking their choices from them AND when discovered refusing to divorce, pushing for marriage counseling while continuing their affair, infecting their partners with STIs. Might also note that in many cases the abuse doesn’t end with cheating, such as my case where my husband became physically violent when I tried to divorce.
PS: I got the protective order renewed today, I can now breathe easier and hopefully the PTSD symptoms will abate again with comfort of the PO in place.
Ddw – I had PTSD that preexiste my ex, but I eventually tried EMDR therapy which helped exponentially – I’m better than I have been in 30 years. If you have a reputable provider in your area I would recommend it without reservation. And (((hugs)))
fallulah! I did EMDR for nearly a year and it really works, I was in a great place in the fall, then my ex contacted me again and it set me back. It’s hard to combat hyper alert issues when you really are at risk. But thank you for the hugs and the recommendation, I agree with you, EMDR works very well
Oh wow that’s so great – still in my mind its a little “hokey” (I think that’s the term here?) but yes it does work. I’m think of going back myself for another few sessions 🙂
I’ve seen you on huffpo – now I want to stalk you to friend you on there lol 🙂
Hi guys — if you want to check out the segment, it’s here http://huff.lv/126c0zq
As usual, my hair is messy.
Your hair is fabulous!
I thought it was interesting that the one from London felt like a victim (did she blame it on the wife for being clinical or the idiotic cheater?) but the one from NY almost implied that she did it out of vengeance for her own betrayal. I know one thing for sure: I never would have been an OM before and I damn-sure wouldn’t be one now.
You did great CL, and messy hair is sexy :).
Donati clearly has mental health issues she needs to address, hurting someone else to resolve her own issues is really awful. At least she appears to have some empathy and learned what she needed. I guess I don’t really believe her story, the “I vomited in the street” that she related on two occasions makes me think she is lying. I can’t tell but any time someone uses over the top stuff like that I just don’t trust, might have something to do with my lyin ex…
I do agree with with the “reformed mistress” that women are vilified far more than men, even when the man is the one cheating. I think ethical people do not fuck someone in a committed relationship but she had a point that often men are given far more of a pass.
Nice job, CL.
I disagree that women are villified more when they cheat. There seems to be a helluva lot of “you go girl” going on.
Arnold, I meant that women are called whores/sluts, the men not so much.
Women are vilified more by *other women*. I don’t think men care that much if a woman has been a mistress. Other women care, for good reason. Why? Because you can’t trust them as friends. Example: If she cheated with her best friend’s husband, do you really think she won’t do the same thing to you?
There are women you trust, and those you don’t. If I know a woman has cheated with a married man, I don’t trust her around my guy. Not because she is sexy per se, but because she is willing to cheat with a married guy AND she is desperate enough for attention to think of her own actions first, regardless of who she might hurt.
I don’t trust any cheaters, male or female. I don’t distinguish in the slightest. It kind of hurts to hear it described as a gender thing because I had just as much reason and opportunity to cheat as my wife did and I never even came close. I never even struggled with it or had to resist the urge.
Right after I got married, I was having a discussion with my new brother-in-law (a career military man) about a case where a soldier had been kicked out of the army for adultery. He thought it was extreme to end someone’s career over a personal matter. I said “Would you want to be in a foxhole next to that guy with bullets flying all around knowing that he betrayed the one person on earth who should have been able to trust him most?” That was long before it became so painfully personal to me so I know I’m not using 20/20 hindsight or rationalizing based on my current state.
Oh, HB – everything you said!
My beloved brother was cheated on non-stop over the course of years by his now x-wife. Like you, he never even considered doing such a thing, was an admirably devoted husband and father. (He has custody now, while his x-wife ended up living in squalor with her last AP. Karma’s a bitch whom I cheer along at every opportunity.)
Yay karma! May she comfort the good as much as she hinders the evil.
That’s good to know that you dislike any cheater…..I think most of us chumps agree…..any gender of cheater is a scumbag. Once you’ ve experienced the pain of being cheated on, it’s pretty natural to not like anyone who cheats. In my circles, I have noticed that women tend to shun women who cheat with married guys, whereas guys don’t tend to shun women-cheaters as much. But maybe that’s just my experience.
BTW, I think the military’s stance on cheating is cool. I’m glad they punish cheaters. If only the military wives would be faithful, too.
The one from London (the Mary Poppins of Infidelity?), I got to wondering about when she said, after 15 years as a mistress, that she only had to call wives three times. Her whole premise was leave the big, bad cheaters — so I was thinking later, geez lady, you’re a slow learner. Fifteen YEARS? Seriously?
Wasn’t Mary Poppins the one that said she was 3.5 years “clean and sober” or something like that? It kind of sounds more like a forbidden indulgence for her.
Like potato chips. Or carbs.
OR addictive personality. Found this to keep reminding myself:
A foolish person. An easily deceived person; a sucker.
That is how I remember feeling on Dday. Boy am I getting over that. I am soon to be something else, certainly no longer a chump.
Well, cl, you did a great job. Tough position and you handled it. I was fascinated at how the mistresses responded. Again, you did a great job of representing all of us. Thank you for being our voice.
Well done, CL. Well done! Even for us “other chumps” (those chumped by narcs in ways other than marital cheating) you did a great job of fighting the narcissism epidemic out there.
You are the Joan of Arc in this culture war!
It keeps kicking me off about halfway through, but I’m sure I got the gist of it. I had to laugh at the Brit mistress saying, “Look for the warning signs.” Oh, c’mon. My ex did not have lipstick on his collar, unusual late nights, secret phone calls where he would run off into another room, etc. Plenty of cheaters are very adept at pretending their married lives are just peachy and hiding the A quite effectively.
And, once again, with feeling: The marriage was not perfect, and I was not perfectly happy, but I DIDN’T CHEAT. There is no excuse for the ex’s behavior, and the more we glamorize cheating, the more our society will accept it rather than seeing it for the destructive, selfish force that it is. I’m sure that they show “both sides” on the show, but I won’t be tuning in to find out. They’ll still show plenty of hot sex and “romantic” scenes between the cheaters. I doubt that every cheater’s life on that show will turn into a train wreck.
This is one of the panelists — Sarah Symonds of “Mistresses Anonymous” http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2077802/Gordon-Ramsay-ex-Sarah-Symonds-Being-mistress-left-suicidal-Christmas.html
It’s sad to be an OW at Christmas, or so she says. Diamond Cartier bracelets aside.
soap operas have been depicting this kind of shit for decades
movie stars have been glamorizing it too.
if it were up to me cheaters would be publicly whipped ,weather male or female .
having sex with a cheating spouse can be a death sentence
My divorce was final 8 months ago and I believe my ex is still sleeping with his AP, but, she has not left her waste of a husband. Does that make my ex a “manstress”? or “manpussy”? Or “Dickstress”? I know it makes him a lying, cheating poser, but, I am looking for a new, more colorful term since I am free from him lying, cheating posing ways. 🙂
Wanted to hear from Jewles but they cut her off right in the middle of her response around the 23:15 mark.
Yeah, did you notice how the cheaters basically proved their own rampant narcissism just by how often they cut into the other’s conversation and overrode them with their whiny rambling excuses? “It’s all about ME! Pay attention to ME!” is what their behavior was screeching.
And the non-cheaters? (Chumps!) -just kept getting cut off pretty much before they could even complete a single sentence. Pissed me off.
My scumbag lying POS STBXH does this ALL. THE. TIME.
It took Mary Poppins 15 years to “get clean”? I doubt she had any moral awakening. I think it’s because she finally realized that the mistress ultimately ends up the biggest loser in the love triangle. The wife has control of the majority of the money, the status, the legitimate/recognized children, the family accceptance, the public advantages of being in a family unit, shared friends and family, a retirement future, and the ring.
The mistresses’s power? Sexual attraction, which is short-lived. (And, might I add, not exclusive, since the married guy is usually still having sex with his wife, although most mistresses are in denial about this.) Maybe a few monetary trinkets – jewelry, vacations, and if she’s lucky, an apartment for free. But that’s about all. No real proof of his “love,” no ability to tell the world they are together, no real control of the finances, no recognized children, etc. In the end, they don’t get what they really need, which is a loving, stable relationship. Christmas? He is spending it with his wife and kids. Mistress is sick? He is busy. But when he is horny? She had better be available. Eventually, she wants a life, not just sex and some fatasy world that works for the married guy but not for her, since she has everyday needs, too, which come to light after the intial lusty period has worn off.
So the mistress gets hurt, too, in the end. The fact that it is her own damn fault she got hurt, is beside the point to her….she feels like a victim. On that I have no ounce of sympathy. Sorry, Mary Poppins, you brought it on yourself.
In the end, both the mistress and the wife are stuck with a scum-bag man. They both need to leave. She is 100% right about that part.
The OW is the big loser in my case. I knew at Dday I had to get rid of her permanently and it only took 5 days to do it. I did not want her interfering with the way in which I would resolve my cheater h. OW wrote a nasty letter to h’s sister. Hurt her terribly. I knew OW was a wild cannon and had to put an end to her involvement. I texted her on h’s cell phone for a couple of days, in the guise of being h. Suckered her into believing h’s wild claims of love, then lured her into a trap, a wild goose chase, she jumped at the opportunity to see him, be with him. She grabbed the first plane out of town, flew to another state, rented a car, got a motel room. When she realized who was really texting her and that she had been a complete fool, she headed for home with her tail between her legs, while I was forwarding the many e-mails between she and H, to her husband. He had no idea, but said he was not surprised. Would love to have been a fly on their wall that night when she returned home. Double bummer day for her. Needless to say, have never heard from her again. She has no h, no peace in her own home, her family knows everything she did. When she realized that I have not told our mutual friends, she decided to continue the charade with them (the only extended connection to h.) As soon as I am out of here, I will send those same emails to all of the “friends.” Yes, in my case the big loser is the ow. She messed with the wrong woman’s h.
Ok Yoder, that is definitely the best dday reaction I’ve ever heard. Screenplay-worthy for sure.
Each day from Dday it gets a little easier. I still dread the empty nights and long days ahead, but trying to make plans to avoid that as much as possible. And I have already begun the screen play. Great Opening and ending. Throwing in some humor as tension releivers in the script. Cheating is so devastating and I want to show how using one’s smarts can sometimes turn the tables on them. Trying to include the stages of grief we go through, shock, anger, desperately doing the Pick Me dance, drowning in pools of tears, resentment and occasionally, getting even. One e-mail between them OW accused h of getting what he wanted and then gave nothing back, she referred to herself as his Whore de jour, (whore of the day) When she realized she was a a complete fool, she texted, “I am a fool.” I texted back, “A fool indeed. The Whore de Jour.” At that moment she knew for the very first time, that I knew EVERYTHING and had all of their e-mails and texts. I think that would make a delightful ending. Can’t imagine who could play an OW with that much panic on her face.
Funny how they squirm when the truth gets out in the open (their husband knows, their friends, etc.).
Your wild goose chase is quite the accomplishment – I wish I could have done this in my situation, but at the time i didn’t want to give my OW the satisfaction of any contact from me. I *did* have strong urges to tell her family, friends, coworkers, and husband about it, though. Get it all out, so they all know the truth. I came really, really close to telling her husband. Not just to hurt her, but because he was being chumped, too, and deserved to know what was going on. I had never met him, but my heart ached for him. I sure wish someone had told me earlier. Another reason I didn’t go this route is because my STBXH is kind of scary/violent, and i didn’t want to set him off by contacting her or her family.
But I sure did fantasize about my “truth” revenge! The OW and my husband were meeting at places connected with her workplace…..it would have been great to “out” her to her boss. I’m sure he wouldn’t have been happy to learn that company/customer property was being used as hook-up spots after hours. If she got fired from it, that would have been great, too. But alas, I didn’t expose her. In some ways, I’m glad I didn’t, because it would have been a lot of drama for me. But I sure did have my day-dreams about it.
If cheater’s OW had not lived two states away I would not have done this. I picked a time when he was so begging, pleading for forgiveness, he would have signed his life away to keep me. I knew he would be a coward about what ever I decided to do.
I never met her or her h. His response was so kind to me, “I am so sorry you had to get mixed up in this.” He is the only one with whom I have shared the e-mails. Our mutual friends are only on fb, old high school friends of my h and OW went to the same high school. No one remembers OW. She was a nobody from the wrong side of the tracks. Her mother married “well.” Now they have money. OW just wanted someone from a prominent family in her home town, to walk down the street on his arm to make her look like she was finally “somebody.” Guess what? She still isn’t.
I love your story and I love your guts. I so wish I had the guts to have done what you did. To this day I regret I kept it quite and acted like a good girl for the sake of false reconciliation Its been close to two years since Dday and I particularly wish I had told the OWs husband since he got royally screwed in the divorce and I wonder if he would have fared better had I unleashed a can a whoopass on Dday.
Don’t beat yourself up. They threw me the ball (e-mails and texts) and I just ran with it. In one e-mail the OW said she “would never coward out in a letter, she wanted to talk to me face to face and make me answer some of her questions.” This is if she wanted to spill the beans and let the secret out. He was big on secrets, she wanted to tell the WORLD she was about to snag “him.” Scared him to death. Well, I never had to meet her face to face and he nor I have never heard from her since. That was last July. Almost a year.
As I’ve mentioned in other posts, my STBX’s father was transferred to another city about 2.5 hours away from my STBX’s mother. For some reason, she didn’t follow him, or wasn’t able to handle the move. At any rate, the father met someone and, you guessed it, cheated. This set up a long-term relationship. My late MIL was furious, of course, but remained married to her cheater. My suspicion is that she was financially dependent upon him, and put up with him on the weekends in return for someone paying her mortgage and sending the younger of the two sons to college (apparently the affair hadn’t started when the older son was in college).
There was only one winner: the cheater. He had the adoration of his sons, even though my STBX hated him for years, until he reconciled with his father after his mother died. The cheater had kibble from his wife. Every weekend, he could go to that house and get his meals fixed for him. He’d spend the weekend smoking cigarettes and watching TV. He and his wife communicated in monosyllables, but she kissed him goodbye every time he went back to his other home. The cheater also had cake from his mistress. She loved him a lot, and ended up giving him close to $14K over the decades they were together. But when his wife died, leaving him free to marry her, he didn’t. They tied the knot only a week before he died–not enough time for her to be eligible for her to collect his military pension or state retirement benefits.
There were a lot of losers. My STBX and his brother never got a chance to see a normal relationship, and their mother spent a lot of time excusing her poor excuse for a husband. The younger son is well into his 2nd marriage. The older son has cheated on me. The younger son, at least, realized he was messed up and went into therapy. He’s still messed up, but at least he’s trying to deal and he’s doing better with Wife #2. My STBX refuses to realize that he has mommy and daddy issues.
My late MIL was a loser, too. Besides being chumped, she tried to outlive her cheater, but that didn’t work out. For over 20 years, she had to deal with a man who cheerfully went off to see his mistress. I’d like to say the marriage was “open,” but it wasn’t. No one was supposed to know of or speak of the mistress. I doubt that she’d had decent legal counsel, since if she had, she’d likely received alimony, child support, and a chunk of the military and state retirements.
The OW was a loser. While you’d think she was a nice lady, what she did was wrong, and she knew it. I think, according to one of STBX’s relatives, the two knew the affair was wrong but “couldn’t help themselves.” Of course, the right thing to do would have been for him to divorce his wife before cheating. Still, OW stayed with him for all those years, but he didn’t do the right thing by her even when his wife died and he could have married her.
I can see the drama in that show. The villain is the cheater, but it’s amazing how many people–including the victims–want to excuse the behavior.
I finally brought myself to watch this trailer. Alissa Milano’s character isn’t just a mistress, it appears she is just a slut.
Seems like a conflict of interest to have a cheater be the moderator of the panel. No wonder he was so sympathetic to the feelings of the OWs.
Agree agree agree! I’m so sick of seeing the commercials for this mistresses show! It is so WRONG to promote this kind of dispicable behavior! Disgusting! I hope it gets cancelled ASAP!
I’m completely uninterested in watching this show and it just goes to show how much loss of respect for marriage is in our society.
I have been a victim of “the other woman” and my marriage was ruined, I lost a baby, and I fell into deep depression. This is media’s idea of entertainment…wow…sickening. I have no desire to see their perspective…EVER!