And while we’re on the subject of mistresses… (In case anyone missed it, a discussion on HuffPo live yesterday on the subject with me bleating objections a lot here…) intrepid chump GreenGirl has sent this handy list to identify what sort of affair partner — mistress or mister-ess — you might be dealing with. What flavor of fuck up did you have?
Green Girl’s Field Guide to APs:
1. The unknowing
Has no idea that the man/woman they are sleeping with is married. Believes the cheater to be single, widowed, or divorced and feels horrified/sick/angry/heartbroken when they learn the truth. Will react similar to a betrayed spouse (anger, disbelief, grief, etc.)
2. The professional
Doesn’t care if the client is married, just cares about being paid. Ranges from text messages/phone calls, to web videos, to “professional scolding,” to physical sex. They are not interested in the cheater as a person and not likely to take the cheater in if the betrayed spouse has kicked them unless they believe there’s profit in it. Often a different person “off the clock.”
3. The work spouse
Has close emotional intimacy with the cheater, but doesn’t believe that it’s really cheating because nothing physical happened. May feel guilty or worries that they are on a slippery slope into a physical affair, but never crosses the line. May fantasize about how wonderful a marriage with their “work spouse” would be, but rarely takes any steps toward divorce.
4. The savior
Believes that the spouse of the cheater is really a horrible person and wishes to save or fix their affair partner. Will seek out cheaters who are needy or portray themselves as a victim. Will try to make up for the shortcomings they believe the Betrayed Spouse has. Similar to Rielle Hunter, these affair partners will try to justify affair by claiming that the Betrayed Spouse “wasn’t an angel,” was neglectful, was cold and sexless, drove the cheater to find someone else, that the marriage was already over, etc. Wants to marry the cheater.
5. The self-destructive
Runs from one bad relationship to another; abusive, already married, drug addict, etc. Uses their string of destructive relationships to play the martyr or deal with personal demons. Blind to the pain they cause other people or believe their own pain is greater. Currently incapable of sustaining a healthy relationship.
6. The enlightened ones
Have affairs with multiple married people spread out over years. Attempt to convince people that they are evolved and will dismiss anyone disagreeing with them as angry or bitter. To deluded with their own reality to acknowledge the pain of other people. Instead reinvents reality and other people’s emotions to fit with their view of the world. Quickly defensive but pretends to be indulgent of “unevolved” people. Rarely interested in marriage.
7. The competition
They see themselves in competition with the betrayed spouse. (Spouse may or may not know there’s a competition happening.) Wants to “win” the cheater to prove themselves as better. Will continue to pursue the cheater not wanting to loose. May marry the cheater, but always looking for a new conquest.