Dear Chump Lady
So thankful that I found your blog. My narcissistic, bipolar, bisexual, substance abusing, money spending wife cheated on me in 49 days of marriage or less. (Married last October 20th, Dday Dec. 8th)
The piece of shit that she cheated with was at my bachelor party (not invited, showed up with friends of a friend). My wife asks me a month into our marriage if I regret not being with anyone else in our lives? I say, no of course not. But I take the bait and ask her if she regretted not being with someone? And she says his name and I catch them 2 weeks later.
Did you ever watch the movie the Sixth Sense? At the end you are like of course Bruce Willis is dead! Why didn’t I see this?! Of course she’s been fucking him your entire marriage, chump!
I try to save my marriage, do the stupid dance of pick me, feed her cake, put money down on a house and she cheats with him that night. Tells me about it in front of the kids. I file for divorce. The affair guy doesn’t want her. I move my things out on Feb. 9th and she’s fucking her second guy within two weeks, and in Hawaii with him 100 days after our wedding. Yes, I’m a chump. My picker is broken — but why can’t I trust that she sucks? Of course this dude has a bigger house and more money, but he looks like Shrek and it feels like she got rewarded for her infidelity, gas lighting and blame shifting.
I’m not trying to watch, but it’s hard not to when we are still married. And did I mention that she is 33, has 3 kids by 2 men and I’m her second divorce and she cheated on her first husband? She really sucks right? I fucking hate this.
Boy oh boy. Yes! She really does SUCK! How much does she suck? If leeches were lawyers, she’d suck more. If gravity bending black holes were made by Dyson — you could sell her at Home Depot. That’s how much she sucks. You could hoover the grit and detritus from the bottom layer of Satan’s sandbox with her soul. THAT is how much she sucks. She SUCKS! Okay?
So why haven’t you internalized it?
Because you’re grieving. You’re wobbly right now. Give it some time. The full magnitude of her suckitude will register eventually.
Forty nine days of marriage and you had DDay? Jesus. I bet you hadn’t even finished the thank you notes yet! Eddie, we’re in the same club, if it’s any consolation. I found out about my ex’s cheating 6 months into the marriage. It’s a particularly weird, horrific, experience that those in longer marriages to cheater can’t always relate to. Probably because they envy us. We don’t have the same sunk costs. They think — God, I wish I knew sooner. Instead I wasted several decades of my life with this loser and had children with them. I know it doesn’t feel like it, Eddie, but if you have to have the misfortune of being married to a cheater, 49 days is pretty light sentence.
But your situation (and my situation, once upon a time) are uniquely wretched because there is something exceptionally perverse about a newlywed cheating. These are supposed to be the Halcyon days of marriage. This is the honeymoon. This should be the apex of their attraction to you — and that warm glow is supposed to carry you for years into those days when things inevitably start to get a little blah. You’re supposed to look back and remember how much you love them, how crazy you were about them, what you saw in them that propelled you towards marriage.
First anniversaries are supposed to be gifts of paper — but not DIVORCE papers. You’re experiencing a psychic whiplash. It’s one thing for your head to catch up to your heart when you’ve built up a generation’s worth of tiny resentments and disillusionments — it’s quite another thing to turn your affections off just 49 days in.
A DDay shortly after a wedding is also exceptionally humiliating. You just gathered all your friends and family and pledged that THIS person is the one you commit to. Now what? You’re supposed to hang your head and announce that you’re returning the toaster and um… you really fucked up choosing this person?
And the rejection! The thought that — so soon, I wasn’t enough to keep your interest? Oh, and MORE humiliating that the affair partner was at your bachelor party? Been there too! One of the other women was a guest at my WEDDING. I paid her fucking bar tab.
So Eddie, I get the carousel of revulsion and longing. I do.
All I can tell you is what you already know — this person is deeply, profoundly amoral. Not just fucked up, but crazy toxic to drag three innocent kids into her manic, deceitful romances. She’s breaking up their homes and their hearts — all for what? So she can fuck Shrek in Hawaii? I think you need to do some researching on personality disorders — check out the books I recommend in the box up on the right. Read over at www.outofthefog.net about PDs. Realize what you’re dealing with. Be grateful you don’t have kids with her (and if she claims pregnancy, get a paternity check ASAP. These wing nuts usually try some Hail Mary play to win you back — being knocked up is a common tactic.)
You need to do two things right now — first, you need to stay no contact with her. Don’t wobble. Don’t fall. Lean on your friends, your family, this site. Whoever you can use to bolster you right now, distract you, and keep you on the road to divorce — hold those people close. The longer you stay no contact with her, the faster you will heal. You’ll doubt this many nights at 2 a.m. when you’ll want to call her and break down and ask WHY?! Or scream at her, or spew whatever emotion you’re feeling right then at her. Do. Not. Do. It. She doesn’t give a shit. And she’s either going to manipulate you, to hoover you back in, or she’s going to break your heart all over again.
Second thing you need to do is grieve. Be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for loving her, or still kind of loving her. Even though she’s disgusting and amoral and not worth the gum on your shoe. It takes time to believe who she really is. You’re going to miss her and who you thought you were with her. That best self and that happy future you thought you were riding off into. You need to grieve those dreams, and probably those relationships with those kids too. Not every man is willing to be a step dad to three kids — you’re a super guy to take that on.
You can dream those dreams again with a woman who is worth it. But right now you need to heal. And yes, fix that picker. To rotate through the heap of men (and women) your ex-wife does, she must be exceptionally sparkly and cunning. Avoid the sparkly people. There are plenty of attractive people with good character — date for character ALWAYS.
As for thinking she got away with it? She didn’t really, Eddie. Her highs aren’t very high and her lows aren’t very low. She’s a cipher. A shallow puddle. A trip to Hawaii for a normal person is a trip of a life time. It’s high on their happy-ometer. Your ex has no chart. It’s all — is this the best you’ve got? And she’s trading up for more. Chasing a high that she can’t really feel, because she’s probably a sociopath or some other flavor of disorder. She can’t connect to these people. She’s using them. Just as she used you, just as she’s using her kids. Some people destroy every life they touch. She’s one of those people, and those people aren’t happy. They’re natural disasters to be avoided.
Learn from this. There’s a happier life out there for you on the other side. You’ll heal from this, I promise.
Love your response as always CL.
“You could hoover the grit and detritus from the bottom layer of Satan’s sandbox with her soul.”
and yes, she’s a sociopath alright. And she absolutely SUCKS. She’s all smoke and mirrors, but on closer inspection, its all an illusion, not real.
There is no soul there. very sad. I’m so sorry Eddie but this woman is verrrry sick. She’s clever enough to fool people and that makes her just all the more dangerous. But don’t beat yourself up for not realizing it or dismissing the clues. A true socio knows how to cover it all up and distort the truth in such a way that you will think its you who’s the crazy one. Its best to stay as far away as possible. xo
You stated you had a broken picker. I don’t know if you’re just being hard on yourself right now for trusting her, or if that is a glimmer of insight.
All through my 30s, I often joked “I can be in a room filled with 100 women, and 97 of them can be healthy and happy, and 3 of those women will be screwed up, and I will invariably be intrigued by the screwed up women and find 97 healthy women boring”.
That’s not 100% accurate, but it’s true enough that I am totally embarrassed the pattern continued up to and including my marriage. I don’t know how old you are, but I can tell you that I wasted a lot of time in the school-of-hard-knocks and kept getting held back, so I didn’t graduate at a respectable age 🙂
If your ‘picker is broken”, why? In my case, I really think I was trying (albeit not conciously) to fix them. It was a weird sort of codependence, I think, where I thought–at a primal, subconcious level–that my value came from being able to save/help somebody else.
It took my marriage, one almost-divorce/false reconcillation, two affairs, and finally a needed divorce and all dysfunction, pain, and disappointment in both myself and my marriage to get me to really look at that.
I guess what I am trying to say is there is a possible silver lining here: if you’re picker really is broken, while all of this emotion–pain, anger, disapointment, sadness, and fear–you can at least use the anger as an inspiration to take a look at why your picker was broken, and maybe you can fix it?
I apologize for the grammar 🙂 I need to proofread better.
I, too, had this urge to safe/fix people at one time. It has faded over time. I still want to be nice to people and help when I can, but within the limits of what I really can do. I think, TH, this means that you are a good person, and that as we chumps go along, learn about life, etc., we tame our savior impulses and learn to heal ourselves first and help where we can.
Eddie, wow, what a scum sucker. I am so sorry for what you are dealing with, a nightmare everyone here understands. The only bright side I can see to your story is that, as CL stated, at least you didn’t have kids with this cheating skank, and you didn’t throw away years of your life on her. Ugh, although I know it doesn’t feel this way now, you are SO MUCH BETTER OFF to have found out right away what you were dealing with. A total, sociopathic, heartless freak.
She sucks. Believe what everyone is saying and trust it. One day you will appreciate that you said goodbye to bad rubbish.
She sounds truly, magnificently, granola.
You know, gets stuck in your teeth, irritates and distracts, and if left unchecked, eventually leads to tooth decay and root canals.
And all for the sake of granola. Because once you get past all the health “hype” (its so good for you, you *need* granola, granola will ensure a great job and sexy sports car, you must have granola so your life will be worthwhile, etc etc etc, yak yak yak).
The reality: We are talking about flavorless carbs. Theoretically it is good for you, but everyone has to add yoghurt or berries or clotted cream to get it down, and by the time you’ve made it palatable, whatever nutritional value is offset by the additives.
*That* is your wife. She is granola. Exercise No Contact as faithfully as you would brush and floss to prevent a root canal.
There is *nothing* she can offer to you that makes the pain worthwhile.
For what its worth, not all women are like her; but you are certainly entitled to hate on the entire gender for a couple of months. I’m not sure what the man-equivalent of chick flicks, ice cream, and group facials would be, but whatever it is, I prescribe evenings in the company of good friends.
And a really, really kick ass divorce attorney.
Granola! love it! My new fav word 🙂
Not to mention Eddie is beautiful, successful, intelligent, articulate, sensitive, well dressed, and has a bad ass dog. Any good girl would trip over herself to get him. Keep your chin up and your mind away from her. Her day will come, and I would guess you wouldn’t want to be anywhere around when that drama bomb goes off.
CONCUR MATTHEW!! Being that I know Eddie as well I know this to be very true. 🙂
Matthew and Wendy sound like awesome friends. This makes me think normally that Eddie has a great picker
“What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.”
― T.S. Eliot
Wendy and Matt are the best! I have a good picker when it comes to friends. They have loved and supported me and pretty much told me the same things that the Chump Lady Nation has. Thank you all. Your support, comments and well let’s call it love have been so healing. I can’t thank you all enough.
Stephanie (cheating, NPD, bisexual gold digger of a soon to be ex-wife) really does SUCK! 😉
Love you Eddie! Stay strong and I am glad you found this group of people 🙂
Hey, welcome Eddie! Sorry your ex’s name is Stephanie. We have a really nice member here named Stephanie. So I’m going to think of your ex as the Anti-Stephanie.
I always referred to her as SW which are her initials but now stand for skank witch.
Or sewer weasel!
Chump Lady Nation-
Just so you know, SW threw a no contact order on me for her and her kids so CLN, no worries on me or her contacting me. Her oldest knows she cheated so she went into damage control and blame shifted, gas lighted and made up shit to paint herself as a victim. Disgusting. So when this happened, her financial gravy train (me) dried up she had to find her next source of kibbles and money ASAP. This took her about a week and a half. She had already targeted her next victim. It’s not a coincidence he lives in the neighborhood we were looking to buy a house in or that he has a lot of money. We live in a small town. He has a horrible reputation. Cheated on his wife, big drinker, looks like Shrek and probably a swinger. A match made in heaven.
Sounds like they *deserve* each other.
Give it about 6 months after the divorce is final, then sit back with popcorn and enjoy the show.
I feel so sorry for her kids. They must know she’s a wing nut. But she’s their mother and they love her and they’re trapped.
Skank Witch. I love, love, love it.
I use the “name” Andy for my ex. Which “Aunt Alex” of My Emotional Vampire fame coined.
It means, Asshole Narcissistic Douchebag Yakface.
Skank witch. Absolutely classic.
Apparently, Eddie will be beating the women off with sticks. So be choosey, Eddie!
Well Hello there Eddie.. 😉 ! (JJoking!)
Your friends sure do love you and that says a lot! I was my my POS for 12 years, suspected but had no proof, then I get a anon letter and 3 sightings within a week. And THEN he tells me he’s been cheating all along. Since. Day. 1.
So I was never wanted by him. It’s been 6 months for me, and I know that you are still reeling. The only advice I can give to you is to love yourself, lean on your friends, read CL often and remember what you are worth.
These last 6 months took a lot of work, and I’m far from healed but I followed the advice from CL and the wonderful people here and I can honestly say I am happier than I have been in years. I put my picker away for awhile because I’m only picking ME for now! All those Pieces of Shi! Out there have NO RIGHT to decide our worth just because they have none. Keep us posted – you just gained a cheering section..:)
Tony, Toni, Tone-
I always loved them! lol. Thanks for the kind words. It’s great to be part of a community that understands and supports each other. And having a cheering section rocks! I was a little hesitant about the fund raising event this Thursday. I’m not officially divorced but if SW can go to Hawaii with her second AP and move in with him, I think it’s OK if I help raise some money for a good cause.
Don’t be too hard on yourself re the picker deal, Edddie. These folks are masters of disguise. The mask , often, only comes off after entrapment/enmeshment.
Many of us had no idea what a personality disorder is. You can bet this woman has one and a severe one at that.
New land speed record! Look at it this way: your soulmate might be very very close just now, but you were never going to be able to even see her, let alone recognize her with your view taken up by a nutcase bimbo. She had to go in order for something better to take her place.
(myself, I’m done with relationships, but my marriage lasted 30 years)
“(myself, I’m done with relationships, but my marriage lasted 30 years)”
lol 🙂 Many have sworn that oath, but few have kept it.
Though… I do understand the feeling 🙂
I’m not Catholic, but I think this pretty well describes why annulments were put in place. Is there a secular equivalent? Because this sham of a marriage certainly qualifies.
” My wife asks me a month into our marriage if I regret not being with anyone else in our lives?” Well maybe if you had met when you were 13, never dated anyone else, and married at 18. But then I read that she is 33, and has 3 kids by 2 other men. Definitely not her first trip to the rodeo, so what in the hell is she wondering about “missing”?
More than a few brain cells. And certainly the empathy gene. Your hopefully very soon to be ex-wife is a very disordered person. All of us chumps can relate to the fact that you have some residual love/affection for this “person”. But NC and some time and it will fade. Seriously, I know it hurts to be tossed over so early in the marriage, but it’s much, much better than investing decades, and sharing children with someone who turns out to be such a shallow pond. Good luck to you and your new life.
I agree – the “do you regret being with anyone else?” questions seems like something a teenager or college student would say. Not someone in their thirties with 3 kids. She’s already *been* with someone else. Many times.
She is like a character from a horror movie. “Night of the Living Dead,” or something. You do not need to be stuck with this emotional zombie. Congrats for moving on and hang in there! It will get better.
So sorry for you Eddie. Wow, I thought my STBXW was a shocker! For what it’s worth, I’m only 13 days into leaving my STBX, It I don’t have an ounce of regret. None. It has been three years since Dday, most of which has been a limbo of no love or respect.
Lots of good support and advice given so far from everyone. But can I reinforce, trust that she SUCKS! You are destined to be in a better place if you forget her.
(hugs) Kraft, 13 days! 🙂
YAY Kraft! Great job!
Eddie, she sucks. Plain and simple. It’s a terrible shit sandwich, especially since you recently were married in front of your friends, vowed that This was the Woman for You, and then found out that she was cuckolding you before the ink dried on the marriage license. Matt and Wendy sound as if they know that the problem is NOT YOU! Your STBX is the one with the personality disorder.
Yes, they can sucker you in. They sparkle. They will love bomb you. But once they have you, they’re bored. Or worse, you’re their menial house servant–good for cleaning the house, fixing supper, watching the kids, walking the dogs, etc. If you’re the breadwinner, then you’re good for the money, too. You wonder why you didn’t see all this before, but the reason is that love is blind, and these people specialize in creating a special kind of sparkle that will dazzle you for as long as they need you.
Definitely lawyer up. Divorce laws vary wildly from state to state, so you need to know what you can expect in your state. Stay NC, and let your STBX go through your attorney if she needs to contact you.
Then yes, therapy. A lot of us chumps are nice people, and the disordered LOVE nice people like us who trust others. They use our niceness against us. Therapy can help work through this in a healthy fashion.
And Kraft, I’m still in that limbo. By the time I leave STBX, it will be closer to 18 months after Dday, but this time has allowed me to get a better career, pay down my debts, and start putting money aside for lawyer fees, etc. I hate this limbo. I know he’s still cheating, but I’ve not confronted him about it and don’t want to do so until I’m ready to walk out the door, never to return. I can’t imagine 3 years of limbo. It must have been more like hell than limbo.
Wow, were you inside of our home? I lived your second paragraph. Once the ring was on her finger, she went half time on her job, I did all the homework for the kids, tried to keep the house clean etc. You can’t reason or talk sense into a NPD. In the end, all I asked her for was a healthy relationship in regards to alcohol, money and sex. You know, don’t fuck anyone else other then your husband.
I live in a no-fault state. SW is on her second guy, lives with him and we still aren’t divorced. This seems very strange to me. She would seem to have all the incentive to end this as fast as possible to move the kids in with Shrek before school starts up next fall. She owes about 15k to me in marital debt. Her guy can pay this for her so thoughts on the hold up?
Eddie, think of what you gave and what you got in return and you know she sucks. You want justice, I know I do. It won’t happen and you cannot create the justice without hurting yourself. She will go on to hurt more people and all you can do is be glad her sights are no longer leveled at you, now you are safe from her fuckedupness. Don’t wonder if you are wrong and somehow she will be a better person with the new guy, be happy he is now her target and you are free to find a good person to love, who will love you in equal measure. Give yourself the love and attention you gave her long enough to fix your picker. Trust me, you will read so much about red flags before you date again you’ll be paranoid. But, you will find the middle way after you get used to knowing that what you need matters as much as what everyone you love needs. I know it sounds weird but the best book to help is “Gift of Fear” because our intuition is a great gift that manipulators are good at deadening, that book can hook you back up with you. On my iPad so hope this is readable.
This helps a lot. Wherever you go you are still there. What movingon51 said:
. She cheated on her first husband, cheated on you, has already dumped the first AP and is on to her next victim. She won’t stop there believe me, so get some popcorn, sit back and get ready to enjoy the drama from afar.
Eddie, go no contact. I know it’s really hard at the beginning but trust me when you get there its solely to save your sanity. Don’t try and understand these people. There’s no common sense. As you said WTF just about sums it up.
Thank your lucky stars there’s no kids but I hope you aren’t too close to her kids because that will make to challenging. Get the hell out of there ASAP.
It does get better but be really patient. Look after yourself. Eat properly and get heap of exercise.
Main thing is block her right out of your life even if she attempts to come back and trust me she will.
Good luck mate
I can relate. Mine after 30 days said that he was bored at our 1 month anniversary dinner, where we had our 1st date…I was floored! Our 1 year anniversary consisted of him bitching that the frozen cake top from our wedding that I had saved for our 1 year anniversary had freezer-burn and the champagne from our nuptials, also 1 bottle saved was rancid; absolutely nothing about how nice it was to be married for 1 year, just a “kick in the teeth”. It was the thought, I thought that counted. Some how I kept this marriage going for 20 plus years by either playing ” the dance of pick me” or making sure all of his needs were met, including him spending all of the money, and I just had to “suck it up” and never expect anything in return. They really are good at playing mind games and do it oh so well. All I know is that our roughly 6 months of dating was pure bliss and from this I have learned to avoid all sparkly people. I see red flags galore and don’t trust these type. These people are parasites and could care less about anyone but themselves.
Hugs to you. Everyone here knows the shock, the shame, the disbelief, the denial, the mantra of ” how could I not see this coming?”
Yes, fix your picker, but do not doubt yourself too much. You were caring, honest, and committed. This is not your fault. Those are worthy characteristics, and it would be a shame to lose those.
It truly takes time. It has been 11 months since ex and I decided to part ways officially, 2.5 months since the divorce was finalized. I thought I was in good shape, but found myself slipping this week. The questions are still there… why, and how??
You are still early days. Remember, she sucks. Trust that.
But you do not. Stand tall, hold your head high.
All the best.
Be strong…grieve a lot…surround yourself with genuine friends and family…All of us here on this site are with you 🙂
What a truly shocking and devastating experience you’ve had! It’s going to take some time to get past the shock and denial phases of your grieving, but you will get there and see her without the ‘blinders’ on soon enough. Soon you will be grateful that you ‘dodged a bullet, although you got grazed by it! This woman is her own worst enemey by the sounds of it. She cheated on her first husband, cheated on you, has already dumped the first AP and is on to her next victim. She won’t stop there believe me, so get some popcorn, sit back and get ready to enjoy the drama from afar. But whatever you do, don’t get drawn back in!!! I feel sorry for those kids of hers the most. Sounds like they’ve already lived a life of great instability and it ‘s only going to get worse! Nothing you can do…you can only control YOU! Don’t feel sorry for her, try to fix her etc. Just concentrate on healing yourself, moving on with your life and put it all down to EXPERIENCE!
Learn from this…. the traits to look out for and the traits to look for in a decent, honest, genuine person truly capable of being a dependable, trustworthy, responsible, partner. This woman cares for no one but herself! She is driven by her ego and nothing else!
Run Forest Run!
Eddie, Even though it’s hard to believe you should consider yourself very lucky. Many of us here invested many many years before our cheating spouses blew up our world with the infidelity bomb. Pull yourself from the rubble and Repeat to yourself over and over. My wife SUCKS!! and I deserve better.
Eddie, you are in emotional shock (the WTF? stage). Most of us here have gone through this stage as well, for varying periods of time. It hasn’t quite sunk in how horribly you’ve been treated. How could someone *do* this?!?! Seriously?!?!
But they can, and they do.
CL said: “It takes time to believe who she really is.” That is the truth. It my case, it took months for it to sink in how much my STBXH really, truly sucks. Plus, I had to grieve my dreams of an intact family for my kids, a caring husband (nonexistent!) and also all the life changes that come with getting divorced (splitting possessions, moving to a new place, losing friends and extended family, financial consequences, etc.). Add to that the shame of being cheated on and loss of dignity. (BTW, I no longer feel shame for being cheated on. I feel like a good person who was taken advantage of by a mean person. My STBX is the one who carries the shame, in my mind. But it took me awhile to realize this.) Taken altogether, the post dday realities are a lot to swallow.
One more thing….
CL is right when she said to be careful not to get sucked back in again: “She’s either going to manipulate you, to hoover you back in, or she’s going to break your heart all over again.” Your wife was having fun during the dating, and the wedding was a really fun party. But then she got bored. I know this type of woman. She is always looking for the next thing to boost her ego and keep her entertained. Women like this don’t really love you, or want you. They just *want* to *be wanted*. There is a good chance that she will try to stay in contact with you because even though she doesn’t want to be your wife, she still wants to know that you *want* her. It’s great for her ego. She may do and say all sorts of things to make you think there is a chance for you two, that maybe she is remorseful, or still cares for you, or there is some kind of connection.
There isn’t. She just wants to know that you still *want* her. She *wants* to be *wanted*. The problem is that you deserve better. So if she goes down this road, don’t follow.
“Women like this don’t really love you, or want you. They just *want* to *be wanted*.”–Great line, DLU. It explains the whole cake and kibbles behind the affair.
Eddie, if the person says this is all a horrible mistake, then they file for divorce. An affair is abusive because it treats you, the faithful spouse, like an object. You are their kibble. Kibble’s nourishing, but it’s not cake. They’d rather eat cake, but they’ll eat more kibble than cake, and they know it. That’s what keeps my STBX married to me. The OW has drama–loads of it–but I offer stability and sanity. If he really and truly loved her, then he would divorce me to marry her. He doesn’t, which shows that he loves neither of us. We’re both there to assuage his ego.
So it is with your toxic baggage of a wife. She’ll go off to eat cake whenever she can get it, but she’ll come back to you when her cake runs out. You deserve–hell, all of us deserve–much better than that.
jeeez, my heart goes out to you.
49 days, holy shit! This must be a new record here.
I would probably need to express my disgust in my mother tongue, English swear words are nowhere near sufficient for me in this case.
Go NO CONTACT, do not look back, do not try to understand, do not attemp to explain, justify and reason ( to yourself, she doesn’t give a damn).
There is no logic, common sense, responsability and soul in her, for you to spend another minute of your valuable time on.
She is a very sick person, very very very sick person. All I can say is thank god you have no kids with her, it would be much more difficult to get out.
(I have kids with a sick person, it is a nightmare).
Dear Chump Nation:
It is perfectly okay to grieve. Grieve, surround yourself with some really helpful friends and family and then quit slowly as you recover. Then, when you are free from all of these…when you have moved that extra mile away from your past….CONGRATULATE Yourself…you’ve made that far. Very few even try to get out…:) . You’ve done beautifully.
In my country, India, a shocking news is doing rounds for a few days. A budding actress (who gave 3 hits in a row), who was known for her bold and beautiful roles (in fact it is more shocking as she was seen as an embodiment of a strong modern woman, with her own mind), committed suicide. In what followed next was the discovery of a letter addressed to her boyfriend. The letter unravels a gruesome story of cheating, abusing and gas-lighting that she suffered at the hands of her boyfriend, who is the son of a biggie (not anything on his own. Btw his father is known for his narcissism in the Indian Cinema).
This appears to be a classic case of depletion of self-esteem in chumps post D-day. What shall happen in this case, considering the fact that the father is out to defend the son by hook or crook, is yet to be seen. But, the letter is very sad…very very sad indeed. I could relate to the feelings expressed therein…what a waste of great talent, beauty and strength in going for this act…
Therefore, I say: Celebrate Chumps…we all have been there…but we are deciding to move forward…off course, we are at different positions in our story…but we have decided to work against the mental fog….that is killing! Kudos Chump Nation…We will all make it there someday…we shall overcome, some day!
What a terribly sad story, Anudi! I read the article and she’s stunningly beautiful. You just have to wonder why on earth she gave that man all her power? She had so much going for her, could attract anyone, and she focuses on that abusive cheater. Tragic that she killed herself. As if that’s going to make him pay attention to her? Just seems like she got very lost in a toxic dance with him. Lesson to every chump, there. Thanks for sharing this.
I could relate to all the points expressed in the letter. My self esteem was so low post-D day that my ex (and his family and friends) tried to take advantage of my low esteem to the hilt. I shall share with you some day, how my ex tried to coerce me into writing an Agreement Letter (Highly humiliating content, wherein I concede all properties in my name to him and sole custody of my son to him, in return for HIS, as if he was the God, return to our life…no mention of his cheating, abuse, abandonment or AP there except that he was led to finding solace elsewhere as I was deficient in some bullshit like housework etc.).
Can you imagine CL that I am much better in career and social standing than him? Can you imagine that he was nothing, if I didn’t act as a ladder, on which he reached positions, where he wouldn’t of ever reached with his potential? Can you imagine CL that his friends and family joined hands in trying to manipulate me? And can you imagine what could have happened to me, just if I wasn’t strong enough or resourceful enough…and had those good friends and family supporting me during those times?
CL, I still think of him…but no…I don’t think of good old days (though my ex did give me some pleasant memories till I discovered…)…I think of betrayal…I think of humiliation…I also think of compromises I did on my career and life for him (which pinch me hard now) and I also think of wasted 2 years of reconciliation and humiliation and low self esteem period that I suffered then.
I think we are all rediscovering ourselves…This site is a Great Relief…I just wish Jiah Khan and many others would have also benefited and not led to suicide or continued abuse like this 🙂
Anudi — you are mighty. It’s one thing to be a chump and navigate your way towards self sufficiency and sanity. It’s quite another thing to do that in Indian with all that cultural baggage. The weight of family and marriage and status — these are powerful forces and you’re against the tide. You’re a pioneer. You’re blazing a trail. It’s too bad Jiah Khan didn’t know you, because you would’ve been an inspiration to her. I’d like to hear more about your social work some time. You’re doing terrific things. I’m glad you have your son and your supportive family. How shocked your ex must’ve been by your rebellion to not take his abusive deal.
My ex is very shocked indeed…and so are those family and friends…:)
Mnw, my son and my family are doing fine. My parents have shifted with me…my son gets to live with people who love him. He is a happy go lucky kid. I just wish he had a more normal family but this family with one sane parent and old but loving grandparents is trying very hard to compensate for all.
I am very busy these days…I have a new job and my volunteer social work is also keeping me busy. But I have plans. As my son grows up in a few years, when he will be in University, I shall use my remainder time in social work as well. I am at a position where I shall be on members of various boards that Govt. of India constitutes for social sector. I shall use those intermediary positions to help NGOs and individuals working for different social causes. Having dirtied my hands in social work, I can now distinguish between real and fake. I think all these experiences (even my personal life with ex and his manipulations) has made me the person, who has the desirable qualities to be such an intermediary in coming future (4-5 yrs from now).
Mnw, I have always craved to have my own orphanage some day. I want to be surrounded by kids. I dream myself of being old surrounded by kids all around me and a partner (I don’t know if it will happen), who shares this space with me. We have problems but together we sort these out with our kids. Some of these kids become older and successful and come back to us to support our dream. This dream…is very very very dear to me…I go to my funeral on a thousand shoulders…all my children come to give me their support :). I pray.
poor kids, my ex’s new girlfriend has two small kids from two different relationship and my ex is their father number four. The older kid is 7!!!!
She just drags them through all her soulmate fuckbuddies and my ex cannot understand why I object any possible contact between her and MY kids.
Thankfully we live on two different continents and the bitch has never left her town so it is very unlikely that she’ll come to the UK.
Those poor kids don’t have a chance with this fruit loop. I hope they are able to find a real role model in their life. Someone who has real ethics and virtues. How old are they?
Those poor kids don’t have a chance with that fruit loop. I hope they will be able to realize just how crazy there mother is and are able to find a REAL role model in their life. Are they very young?
The kids are just like her. Mom put them in a big house so they will be starstruck and overjoyed that they upgraded. The end justified the means. SW really sucks.
I was cheated on 34 days into my marriage. With a good friend of mine and a coworker of mine. She helped decorate, with my family, for the wedding. I fought for almost a year to salvage a marriage that never should’ve happened. I feel your pain and your heartache. I’m so glad someone told me of this site. I’ve been looking for ANYONE who can understand the heartache I feel, the embarrassement of a wedding, and dreams that never got a chance to be realized. I filed for divorce just shortly before our 1st wedding anniversery as he was celebrating one year with the OW.
My heart goes out to you. It is a horrible feeling of pain, shock, embarrassment and humiliation. You question everything in your life. I questioned God. Seriously God, this is your plan? They say He only gives you what you can handle but for a while I was saying to Him you made a mistake, this is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay toooooooooo much for me to handle. I know now that God doesn’t inflict infidelity on anyone. It’s our POS partners that choose to betray their vows and disgrace their character.
The Mayor of our town was the best man in our wedding. I go to networking events and there will be 10-15 people that attended our wedding. The guy that married us (the Executive Director of a non-profit we support dropped me as a friend on Facebook) People cheered at her vows. And some of those same people supported her infidelity. Add this to the stupid shit people say….”people cheat because you didn’t place enough value on them.” Really? Fuck you. It’s so surreal at times. Like I’m in an alternative universe. One where people can make a mockery of their vows and benefit from it? To use infidelity to exit a marriage and sex to love bomb the next guy with a bigger house and bank account? These people suck.
My guess is that SW in a years time will be married, divorced and remarried. Her “values” will dictate that she needs to be married to set an example for the kids.
I feel your pain Gina I really do and all of us here at Chump Nation will love and support you.
Welcome Gina — 34 days for the win! (Although, as Chump Lady, I technically think I win as it turned out my ex had never been faithful to me a single day of our relationship — the long-term OW predated me by two marriages. Yes. It is a special kind of fucked up).
Please don’t be embarrassed. You brought your A game. He’s the one who should be ashamed. Not you.