Dear Chump Lady
So thankful that I found your blog. My narcissistic, bipolar, bisexual, substance abusing, money spending wife cheated on me in 49 days of marriage or less. (Married last October 20th, Dday Dec. 8th)
The piece of shit that she cheated with was at my bachelor party (not invited, showed up with friends of a friend). My wife asks me a month into our marriage if I regret not being with anyone else in our lives? I say, no of course not. But I take the bait and ask her if she regretted not being with someone? And she says his name and I catch them 2 weeks later.
Did you ever watch the movie the Sixth Sense? At the end you are like of course Bruce Willis is dead! Why didn’t I see this?! Of course she’s been fucking him your entire marriage, chump!
I try to save my marriage, do the stupid dance of pick me, feed her cake, put money down on a house and she cheats with him that night. Tells me about it in front of the kids. I file for divorce. The affair guy doesn’t want her. I move my things out on Feb. 9th and she’s fucking her second guy within two weeks, and in Hawaii with him 100 days after our wedding. Yes, I’m a chump. My picker is broken — but why can’t I trust that she sucks? Of course this dude has a bigger house and more money, but he looks like Shrek and it feels like she got rewarded for her infidelity, gas lighting and blame shifting.
I’m not trying to watch, but it’s hard not to when we are still married. And did I mention that she is 33, has 3 kids by 2 men and I’m her second divorce and she cheated on her first husband? She really sucks right? I fucking hate this.
Boy oh boy. Yes! She really does SUCK! How much does she suck? If leeches were lawyers, she’d suck more. If gravity bending black holes were made by Dyson — you could sell her at Home Depot. That’s how much she sucks. You could hoover the grit and detritus from the bottom layer of Satan’s sandbox with her soul. THAT is how much she sucks. She SUCKS! Okay?
So why haven’t you internalized it?
Because you’re grieving. You’re wobbly right now. Give it some time. The full magnitude of her suckitude will register eventually.
Forty nine days of marriage and you had DDay? Jesus. I bet you hadn’t even finished the thank you notes yet! Eddie, we’re in the same club, if it’s any consolation. I found out about my ex’s cheating 6 months into the marriage. It’s a particularly weird, horrific, experience that those in longer marriages to cheater can’t always relate to. Probably because they envy us. We don’t have the same sunk costs. They think — God, I wish I knew sooner. Instead I wasted several decades of my life with this loser and had children with them. I know it doesn’t feel like it, Eddie, but if you have to have the misfortune of being married to a cheater, 49 days is pretty light sentence.
But your situation (and my situation, once upon a time) are uniquely wretched because there is something exceptionally perverse about a newlywed cheating. These are supposed to be the Halcyon days of marriage. This is the honeymoon. This should be the apex of their attraction to you — and that warm glow is supposed to carry you for years into those days when things inevitably start to get a little blah. You’re supposed to look back and remember how much you love them, how crazy you were about them, what you saw in them that propelled you towards marriage.
First anniversaries are supposed to be gifts of paper — but not DIVORCE papers. You’re experiencing a psychic whiplash. It’s one thing for your head to catch up to your heart when you’ve built up a generation’s worth of tiny resentments and disillusionments — it’s quite another thing to turn your affections off just 49 days in.
A DDay shortly after a wedding is also exceptionally humiliating. You just gathered all your friends and family and pledged that THIS person is the one you commit to. Now what? You’re supposed to hang your head and announce that you’re returning the toaster and um… you really fucked up choosing this person?
And the rejection! The thought that — so soon, I wasn’t enough to keep your interest? Oh, and MORE humiliating that the affair partner was at your bachelor party? Been there too! One of the other women was a guest at my WEDDING. I paid her fucking bar tab.
So Eddie, I get the carousel of revulsion and longing. I do.
All I can tell you is what you already know — this person is deeply, profoundly amoral. Not just fucked up, but crazy toxic to drag three innocent kids into her manic, deceitful romances. She’s breaking up their homes and their hearts — all for what? So she can fuck Shrek in Hawaii? I think you need to do some researching on personality disorders — check out the books I recommend in the box up on the right. Read over at www.outofthefog.net about PDs. Realize what you’re dealing with. Be grateful you don’t have kids with her (and if she claims pregnancy, get a paternity check ASAP. These wing nuts usually try some Hail Mary play to win you back — being knocked up is a common tactic.)
You need to do two things right now — first, you need to stay no contact with her. Don’t wobble. Don’t fall. Lean on your friends, your family, this site. Whoever you can use to bolster you right now, distract you, and keep you on the road to divorce — hold those people close. The longer you stay no contact with her, the faster you will heal. You’ll doubt this many nights at 2 a.m. when you’ll want to call her and break down and ask WHY?! Or scream at her, or spew whatever emotion you’re feeling right then at her. Do. Not. Do. It. She doesn’t give a shit. And she’s either going to manipulate you, to hoover you back in, or she’s going to break your heart all over again.
Second thing you need to do is grieve. Be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for loving her, or still kind of loving her. Even though she’s disgusting and amoral and not worth the gum on your shoe. It takes time to believe who she really is. You’re going to miss her and who you thought you were with her. That best self and that happy future you thought you were riding off into. You need to grieve those dreams, and probably those relationships with those kids too. Not every man is willing to be a step dad to three kids — you’re a super guy to take that on.
You can dream those dreams again with a woman who is worth it. But right now you need to heal. And yes, fix that picker. To rotate through the heap of men (and women) your ex-wife does, she must be exceptionally sparkly and cunning. Avoid the sparkly people. There are plenty of attractive people with good character — date for character ALWAYS.
As for thinking she got away with it? She didn’t really, Eddie. Her highs aren’t very high and her lows aren’t very low. She’s a cipher. A shallow puddle. A trip to Hawaii for a normal person is a trip of a life time. It’s high on their happy-ometer. Your ex has no chart. It’s all — is this the best you’ve got? And she’s trading up for more. Chasing a high that she can’t really feel, because she’s probably a sociopath or some other flavor of disorder. She can’t connect to these people. She’s using them. Just as she used you, just as she’s using her kids. Some people destroy every life they touch. She’s one of those people, and those people aren’t happy. They’re natural disasters to be avoided.
Learn from this. There’s a happier life out there for you on the other side. You’ll heal from this, I promise.