Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

Dear Chump Lady, The OW means nothing to him. The OW means everything to him.

Share on twitter
Share on facebook
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on pinterest
Share on pocket
Share on print
Share on email

Dear Chump Lady,

My ex-boyfriend and I were in a long-distance relationship for the past 6 months. We got together after a 9-month break. Before then, we’d been together over three years.

I knew something was wrong when I couldn’t reach him some weekends while we were long distance.

During this time, we didn’t have any sex when we met up in several occasions. When confronted, he said that he doesn’t want to upset me, therefore doesn’t want to touch me but promised that the affection will be back.

I noticed that he started to chat up various girls on the internet. I’m furious after I found out, as I’m not getting enough attention from him, but he’s showering his attention elsewhere.

I asked for a breakup several times and every time he begged for my return and promised me that he would change, but he didn’t.

Then I stumbled across a lady’s profile on Facebook. She’s a friend of his and I asked him about her before. What he replied was “She’s a friend of my common friend and we met only once and aren’t talking to each other”, but it proved that all these are lies.

I found out that he has been cheating on me with her. In her profile are photos of my boyfriend and her having fun in clubs, provocative photos of them together and some of them are taken on his birthday, which I didn’t get to celebrate with him.

He finally confessed after I send him all the photos. He told me that he had a one night stand with this lady when we were not back together. But he didn’t stop after we got back together, he continued a double life.

I approached the lady and she told me that he said he didn’t have a girlfriend. Therefore I do not really put any blame on her as she’s a victim of this bastard too.

He went the typical cake eater ways of trying his best to keep the cake. He said that he would marry me and that’s the only way to mend his mistakes and made promises to me that he would not do it after we got married. He told me that that lady meant nothing to him and he only wants me, etc. I stupidly said yes as the thought of not having him around really scared me.

I was totally shattered after I got to know about his cheating, I spend days thinking and finally told him that it’s not going to work as I can’t bear the thought of him telling me he loves me while shagging other women behind my back.

We broke up three weeks ago. He wants “just a time off,” but I stood my ground as I know that won’t do me any good and only benefits him.

He texted me two weeks ago, changing his claim that the lady he cheated with meant nothing to him.

Now he said that he cares about her and he went to find her after we broke up. This really shook my ground. At first I thought that it was physical, but it was emotional too.

My self esteem hit rock bottom. I feel really bad about myself thinking that what she can provide that I can’t. I feel that I have to win the race, I must have his love back. I did the pick me dance.

After getting erratic for awhile, I started to see that I do not need to win. I won the race by leaving the cheater in the first place, but I still can’t understand why he needs to provoke me with his texts.

I still have questions. Did he want me to react to the situation and boost his ego further by seeing two women fighting over him? Why he did that?

I really do want to move forward with my life but I feel that I need certain kind of closure in order for me to do so. I do appreciate your  effort in reading my email.

Gina

Dear Gina,

There’s no such thing as closure. There is just no contact and time, and that is your “closure.” You don’t get a magic A-HAH moment when it’s suddenly all better and his shitty behavior makes total sense. (We call trying to make sense of his shitty behavior “untangling the skein of fuckupedness”).

You totally did the right thing in dumping him. Now, block those texts and make him stay dumped. Because apparently, you’ve broken up before only to have him back.

That seems to be his MO — he lets a lot of women think he’s their boyfriend. So Gina, you need to learn from this — people who are your boyfriend ACT like your boyfriend.

  • You don’t have to beg them for attention
  • They don’t troll for other woman online
  • You spend their birthday with them
  • They have sex with you

Don’t worry. Lots of other people make this exact same mistake and they’re married. They think they have a husband or wife, because gosh, that person made a public commitment and they have shared history together. But then the person acts nothing like how a spouse is supposed to act, and it’s confusing.

At least in that case, they can fall back on the evidence of that shared life — the children, the wedding ring, the joint taxes. But my point is — with healthy people words match deeds. All you need to know about a person — any person — is told in their actions. Do they make you a priority? Do they remember your birthday? Are they generous with their time? Can they admit fault and apologize? Do they share the conversation space? Do they keep their commitments? Are they punctual? Are they a good friend to others? Do they pitch in? Do they clean up their messes?

This guy sounds like all talk and no substance. You call him on his shit and he offers you a bogus assurance and a new “commitment.” Gee, now he’ll marry you and Be Different. His talk has no value whatsoever because it’s not backed up by his actions.

So, Gina, his words are worthless. He’s a liar. If he said the OW means nothing to him, but now she’s his everything? Consider the source! He doesn’t care for you OR her. You’re just all delicious morsels of cake to him. You’re of use.

The cheater tactic of responding to a boundary by saying “Oh, well NOW I’m going to go to the other person, because you rejected me!” is a total mindfuck. Newsflash — he was already with the other woman. Don’t feel like your boundary setting drove him into her arms. That’s his way of punishing you for having a boundary. He wants his goddamn cake back and you mean, mean woman took the cake away.

That is why he is still pestering you and texting, because if he fucks with your head, and breaks you down, you’ll let him have cake again. How does he get cake? He tells you whatever you want to hear. And he shows up just enough in his boyfriend costume to let you almost believe him.

Change your number! And keep this guy dumped for good, Gina.

Share on twitter
Share on facebook
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on pinterest
Share on pocket
Share on print
Share on email

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • The no closure thing drove me crazy for awhile. Going no contact was the most helpful thing I did for myself, and the longer I’m out of the situation the more clearly I can see what was going on. CL is right about no contact! As far as drawing boundaries — I refused to hang out and “be friends” with another couple when it was so obvious that my ex and the OW were fascinated with each other. Although I enforced that boundary for my sanity, it didn’t stop him from continuing his relationship with her. They worked together so there was nothing I could do, it wasn’t like I could buy plane tickets and sit between them on business trips. When he left I asked my counselor if I drove him into her arms by refusing to be “friends” with her and her husband. She told me no, what I was doing was taking care of myself. I like how CL describes the cheater as punishing you for having boundaries by running to the OW. That’s certainly what happened in my case.

    • My therapist said something similar to me…along the lines of ‘protecting yourself should not be areason for him to act like an asshole). And it’s true. Saying that you won’t put up with what is clearly unacceptable behaviour is not ‘wrong’ in any way. I say slam those boundaries down and run like hell.

  • And if you want to really test his weird brain (this is risky, don’t try if you are not armed well), you can show that you might be dangerous and might expose his deeds…see how his love vanishes in thin air…you become an object of danger from an object of use. 🙂
    Better still, Get up and get going around with other guys…This way you threaten him by becoming a use to somebody else (taking his cake away)

    But the best approach is to listen to those who have experienced this shit. Grieve and get over. Fix your picker. Get to “meh”. And then find a good partner. Live well!

    • Isn’t that a wonderful revenge fantasy? The cheater is sitting there, miserable with his/her AP then looks up and sees you, looking better than you ever did, on the arm of someone much better looking/richer/famous. And he/she realizes what he/she has lost while you are able to flaunt how much better off you are without him/her.

      Or the other revenge fantasy, you call up the AP, say “the cheater keeps contacting me and can you make him/her stop please?” The AP is driven crazy, throws the cheater out, and now he/she is left with no one and you are virtuously above it all.

      Unfortunately the first situation leaves room for the cheater to talk about how wonderful it is you found someone and how his/her cheating was all for the best. The second situation can drive the AP into doing the pick-me dance and gives the cheater the motivation to continue contacting you.

      Block his number and walk away.

      • Situation number two is so true. I did warn the final OW about his serial cheating ways. So she tried harder and came up with more and more excuses as to why their love was ‘the real thing’. And told my kids all about this. I think I had two motivations: one, yeah, I wanted to see it end because I dont’ want to deal with the silly cow OW the rest of my life. And two, I really did sort of feel badly for her because he was seeing other women while seeing her and I figured she was too young and dumb to see what was right under her nose. I was her 20+ years ago so I took some slight pity on her. Then she was a total cow to me and the sympathy went poof! She’s going to learn the hard way, it appears.

  • You wrote: “I asked for a breakup several times. . . .”

    You don’t ask for this. You do. you go no contact and you stick to it. Move on with your life, and the sooner the better.

    You get to break up unilaterally, without input from him. It is YOUR decision. It is YOUR life.

    • Agreed. You don’t need permission to break up with him. You can just do it. Thankfully, you have kicked him to the curb, where he can get picked up with the rest of the trash.

      I’m sad that there’s no real closure to all of this, but a better life without a cheater is certainly a benefit!

    • I agree with Nomar.
      You wrote “I asked for a breakup several times and every time he begged for my return and promised me that he would change, but he didn’t.”

      Sounds like a perfect time to break up for good. Be thankful you only have a few years invested with this guy. Not 10, 15, 20+, kids, a shared home etc. etc. like many of us here. I know it’s hard to feel this way, but eventually you will. Consider yourself lucky that he showed his real self to you now.

  • Be strong, Gina, listen to all of this advice, and learn that his behavior is NOT normal or what you deserve.

  • I think the only closure one gets from this is finally one day it hits you that “it’s over” That’s your closure. Grieve it, feel it and then one day you’ll finally accept it. You won’t fully understand it, but you’ll learn to accept it. The switch gets turns off.

  • It struck me that probably there’s no closure in any kind of breakup, even if you’re not breaking up with a cheater. If you’re still on the market, you’re going to date people. Sometimes you’ll know right away that it won’t ever work out. Other times, it takes a while to figure out that the two of you don’t share the same critical values, don’t have compatible lifestyles, etc. None of those really offer any closure. Things didn’t work out for whatever. In the grand scheme of things, breaking up after 6 weeks isn’t as big a deal as breaking up after 6 months, which isn’t as big a deal as breaking up after 6 years.

    This goes with a previous CL blog post on why people stay with cheaters, but certainly the longer one is in a relationship, the more one expects to have something to show for all the sunk costs. There’s not a lot invested in a 6 week relationship, but there is in a 6 year relationship, and certainly significant sunk costs in a 36 year relationship. “Closure” is just another way of saying that we want something for those costs.

  • Wow! I always say that there’s no such thing as “closure.”

    And I wrote somewhere else that there are certain words that signify lying/cheating/hopeless/womanizing/whatever-u-want-to-call-him…

    Two of the words, “only” and “once” are a dead give-away.

    Let’s add the word “nothing.”

    If it means nothing its because he IS nothing. If it means something, its still nothing because he is INCAPABLE of something!

  • Gina, he is provoking you with his texts because he CAN. Because he likes to keep you focusing on him. He loves the attention from two women at once. The only problem is, this whole thing is ripping your heart out. Don’t let him do that anymore. Do not respond to him at all – don’t reply to his texts, don’t have any contact. He will likely text-bomb you for awhile but it will stop. When your cell phone stops blowing up all the time, you will stop thinking about him so much. Then when it stops dinging altogether from him, you will have peace of mind, and hopefully, closure.

  • Gina
    You sound young and that you have not wasted too much time with this jerk. The best way to get over this guy is to clear up your mind as to what is a healthy loving relationship looks like. Focus on yourself and how to build loving relationships, not just romantic but friendships. Once you fully understand the concept that reciprocity is required to truly have trust and respect you won’t think twice about this guy. That will be your closure. Learn from the women on this site – don’t get married and have children with a man who does not know how to be in a loving adult relationship.
    Best to you,

  • OMG, how I wish I had STAYED broken up with my ex the couple times he suddenly dumped me back in our dating days. Instead, I took him back, married him, had a child with him and threw away over 20 years on a pathological liar, diagnosed NPD monster who never loved me and simply used me.

    Gina, there is really no discussion here. You have two choices:

    1. Block this man’s every way of communicating with you, deal with the pain and loneliness until it is gone and move on with a healthy life.

    2. Take him back and spend as many years as it takes for him to finally dump you policing his every move and knowing he is cheating and lying to you.

    Regardless of whether you are his chump or not, he is never going to be honest or faithful to ANYONE. He’s already demonstrated that. He will absolutely use you for as long as you allow it. So the decision is yours. Walk away now, or be prepared to suffer until he tires of you and inevitably dumps you for someone else. By then, you’ll be older, might have a child or two with him and financial entanglements that I can guarantee will be devastated by his actions.

    Seems like an easy decision to me.

    • Yep, spot on. There was a point, maybe two years into our relationship, where my gut was screaming at me that something was really, really wrong. But I didn’t recognise it for what it was. I thought about leaving him but I loved him so much so I didn’t. And now, 20 years later, I’m divorced, two kids,absolute financial fuckery like you would not believe, a very angry loser ex who, it turns out, was cheating FOR YEARS.

      Gina? RUN.

      • I really think these ‘natural born cheaters’ test the waters while dating- ie: will she/he let me mindfuck? Is it easy to get back together after terrible behavior? How about lying and blameshifting, are they just overlooked?
        Well, check, check, check- this is an acceptable Chump! Now, I can abuse to my hearts content and this person won’t ever leave me!
        Gina, don’t let him set you up for a life of scraping and groveling for love or attention. I actually think you should find a therapist you like and ask them to help you work on self-esteem until you KNOW that you deserve a fine, high quality partner! (That’s what I’m doing)
        Now run along and make yourself a great life! And, fuck you Bad Boyfriend!

        • Absolutely. My ex definitely tested and saw how stupid I was, how easily fooled. Perfect for a guy who needed a cover for his gay cheating. When he finally dumped me, he actually told me he had never really loved me or felt passion for me, but married me because he thought “I would take good care of children and a home and would never leave him.” That was a rare moment of truth.

          • Yes, Glad, I always knew I was gullible, but now I’m trying to re-name that as ‘trusting in the goodness of (most) people’ . I refuse to become a cynical person, that’s not who I am! I just need to be much more careful picking next time!

            • That’s how I feel. I will not turn into a person that doesn’t trust. I’m more careful and picky now but I actually do believe most people are good and have good intentions. I just happened to find a master fuckhead with a masterfully fucked up family attached who all played the ‘nice’ game very, very well….until it didn’t suit any of them anymore.

              • I hope you’re right Nord. I am SO disillusioned. I don’t know what it will take for me to trust again. I had absolutely no idea that my wife would even consider cheating. None! I was only suspicious for about a week before dday. I asked her flat out and when she said there wasn’t anybody else I believed her because I thought even if she was having an affair she wouldn’t flat out lie to me. Well 3 ddays and 100 lies later I don’t know if my trust is assassinated or merely critically wounded.

        • Yep, my ex tested and I just did not see it. He played me very, very well and I had never encountered someone who could lie so smoothly or do such fucked up things, so it never occurred to me what was really going on. I had always dated ‘nice’ guys and ex was the epitome of the nice guy, except he would do some really weird things and then explain them away. Good god, was I dumb and for a very long time.

  • Please don’t even get into anything more serious with this man. You’re lucky you aren’t married to him. Count your blessings. If this happens at the early stage, it will only get worse in time. Besides, do you really think you will be able to trust him again after this? I know it hurts. But it will be far worse the more serious you get. Walk away now. While you have far fewer ties.

  • Gina, RUN as far and fast as you can and thank g-d you are not married and have children. Block all contact (I know it’s hard) and start again with someone new. This guy is poison. Many of us here have had our best years squandered by these monsters, with children to boot so they can continue their destruction for decades. Thank your lucky stars you know what he is and get out.

    • I agree,

      Im probably closer to your situation than most; Im 24 now and had been with my x-fiancee since I was 16/17 (Today was actually our 7 year anniversary and Im not going to lie part of me is sad as opposed to the”thank God Im not with him!” reaction). I can honestly say that I truly wish I had cut my losses three years in. To date there have been 16 other girls and now he got the newest one pregnant after only knowing her for a little over a month (a 31 yr old therapist; ironic really). It is ABSOLUTELY devastating. I still think to myself, “If I had just given up when the wedding was called off, If I had just given up when he gave me an STD (mind you I have never been with anyone else so I am positive it came from him), if I had just given up when I saw all the texts from other girls, if I had just given up when he started punching the holes in the walls and breaking the doors and screaming in my face”, the list can go on and on.

      Point is, please dont let it get to the point that you have 10 million “if I had just given up when…”. It will get worse, because when they realize they just have to try harder when they screw up, they will realize that they can do it. Each time they can try less and less and you will accept it. They know this because this is what you show them whenever you take them back.

      I know it sucks when you see the texts (mine up until Sunday was extiong me how much he loves amd and doesnt love her and is sorry for everything and knows he will never find someone like me to love him again; he found out about her being pregnant early last week when he went to leave her) and Im sure a part of you thinks “see, he does still care, he’s texting me”. I can say as soon as he stops it actually feels worse because then that hope goes away and the fear of “does this mean he’s happy with her?!” comes into play. But honestly it is the best thing he could give you. Right now Im in the second part of that phase, I do worry that they will be happy and she will get everything that I always wanted. The hope is that it will go away. People say there is better out there; I havemt experienced that yet but I can tell you that you will be going down a very dark hole if you stay…

      • Kristina L and Gina: I was married 25 years, 3 children. He cheated for decades in the most humiliating ways while fooling me, our kids, and our friends and families all along. I know how very hard it is to kick them out and let them go, it is certainly an addiction. It breaks my heart to see anyone go through this, but it is so excruciating to see you go through it when all I can think of is screaming: SAVE YOURSELVES. I know it feels like you are stumbling and falling down a dark hallway, that you will never be ok, and that you will never find someone else. But you WILL. I know that, because I am now, I am OK, I moved on, I found a wonderful someone else, and I am better than ever. But I have the baggage of decades of lies, mind-numbing betrayals, and abandoned children to deal with. I pray so hard that you guys do not have to suffer any further. These monsters don’t deserve anything but the living death they so crave, don’t join them in that. Let them go, and stay no contact by any means necessary. Yes, there are days when I am sad and still bewildered by what my ex did (usually after I get an email from him), because a chump’s mind just cannot wrap itself around the horrible evil and insanity, but keeps chumpily trying. But I am so glad that I have drained the poison from our lives. That’s what it’s like once your back out through the other end of the rabbit hole. There is innocence and love and beauty still out there and you can and will find it.

        • Thank you Kelly 🙂

          I can say that I havent cried in a few days even though Im really sad still. What is there to cry about that I havent already cried about? Hes having a baby and hes with her. I know this. I can say I am getting very nervous because he did say that he was going to call me on the 9th when they go and get her bloodwork to see exactly how far along she is (I hate typing that. It makes my lip curl. I am ashamed to say that last week when he found out about everything I was talking to him daily trying to figure out everything with him [shes lied about a few things] and helping him cope. Stupid, I know).

          Not sure if Im going to be able to explain this but Im going to try: when I speak to him I become a zombie. Everything he says is truth and I get totally warped into his thoughts and feelings. I literally will think my world is ending because of what he is going through. I remember when I left him about 2 months ago by leaving a key to his place on the counter with a note and took my puppies (because of a different girl than the pregnant one), I caved and panicked at the thought of being alone and without him and went back. I went over his house and I paid for what I did: the only thing I had going for me was that I never left him and now I ruined that. He drank a massive amount, cut himself in front of me, told me that he almost killed himself except one of his friends stopped by and he just completely ripped me a new one. Said hes never done something that awful to me before because he never left me without warning. By the end of it I left because he just kept punching the pantry doors because boxing helps “calm” him (to this day I cant stand loud noises, punching things happened often). I felt like the worst person on earth and how could I have done that to him (getting teary-eyed thinking about it because I still feel bad). I went home freaking out barely able to breathe and one of my friends came over just trying to calm me down. and when I spoke to her and she put it in”normal” thoughts (he was cheating Kristie, hes done this a million times, etc) I calmed down, but I dont think clearly with him.

          My point is im depressed now and do still want to see him try but I am petrified that when he calls I wont be able to not pick up (Ive blocked his number before and that didnt turn out well either) and I will be that same person that I was last week crying every day not even able to go into work and just work from home.

          Part of me wants to just wait it out and hope he doesnt call, part wants him to call and say shes not pregnant and hes miserable and she isnt amazing for him, part of me wants to just tell him not to call on the 9th (even though I do want to know whats going on with him, its first nature at this point) but I also dont want him to get upset.

          I do still wonder: if I wasnt so wrapped up into him and emotional and I would be able to think logically, like if he was with someone who didnt get caught up into his shit, would he be less dramatic and understand boundaries with them?

          • Kristina L, please contact a women’s shelter and ask to see a therapist. Most have free or very cheap sessions and you need the help. This guy is an abuser, you need someone who can help you see the way out. I did this and it made world of difference, I had no idea that threatening self harm is a huge red flag of an abuser, don’t wait like I did until he realizes it won’t work any more and escalates to harming you.

            • I do see a therapist currently, I’ve seen her on and off for about 2-3 years. We’ve come to the conclusion that he is Borderline and a manipulator but there is still something in me that feels like if I was better at handling him it would’ve been better. Probably because he gave me that hope.

              I’m trying to work on self-esteem and work on believing myself.

              I know he wouldn’t have went and searched for me after I left, all of that happened because I went back which I take blame for. I have made attempts to leave they just need to stick.

              • honey, (Kristina). This man is exhibiting clear signs of borderline personality disorder. ( I actually wrote that before I read what you said just above this. so yes, that’s what he is) He’s attention seeking and C R A Z Y !!! He’s a pathological liar and you must get A WAY from this man because he knows how to play you like a fiddle. I am so, so sorry, but there is no cure for this and its an escalating disease, especially left untreated.

                He is with you because you make for a good “front” but that is all it is. He is INCAPABLE OF LOVING ANYONE.

                I wouldn’t just block my number, I’d change it and THEN block him. Block him from EVERYTHING. If you must be on social media, then make up new ones and just use your first and middle names, or your first name and last initial.

                Keep seeing him cutting himself in front of you, every time you want to go back. He’s a very abusive, toxic, sick man. Sick men are also capable of behaving very nicely— but ONLY when they want something.

          • I think you should block his number again. Don’t tell him not to call you on the 9th, just block the number and don’t talk to him. You don’t owe him an explanation why.

            Don’t worry about whether or not she’s pregnant. It’s not your problem. It’s his. Whether she is or not is something he will have to deal with and it’s his responsibility now. So what if he’s miserable? He can eat the shit sandwich he served himself. As a matter of fact, he can skip the two slices of bread and just eat shit.

            It’s good that you’re seeing a therapist. It helps a great deal to have an objective person to talk to about this. She’s right. Suicide threats and the rage are signs of an abuser. He likes it when you keep coming back, because it means he can make an emotional punching bag out of you and not have to take responsibility for ANY of his actions. Every time you come back, he uses you as a scapegoat.

            So take away his scapegoat. Even if he starts blaming someone else, most likely his pregnant(?) OW, you will not be his target anymore. She will probably get the same treatment once HER sparkles wear off.

            Take care of yourself. You owe him nothing. He does you no good.

  • Gina – I agree with everyone above. I think its really important you understand that you MUST BLOCK everything from him – the purpose being to create a predictable environment for yourself….. otherwise, you will be chained to your phone, chained to your computer as there is always this tiny glimmer of hope that when he is contacting you and begging you to stay – that he will say and do all the right things and THIS TIME, it will actually happen. Its a total emotional rush – the possibility literally surges thru your body – every time!! – That’s addiction – CL’s word for it is “hopium” and it is deadly.

    Go no contact – and create that predictable environment for yourself – know that what you can expect from him is nothing because YOU have blocked him – as Nomar said above, you do this unilaterally – its absolutely not something you can do together. I’m not going to sugarcoat this, the withdrawal is painful – but I say, choose your pain – don’t let someone else do it for you. At least if you do it yourself you can have the reasonable expectation that at some point…… it will be over.

  • Ahh, dating advice is so much eaiser than marriage advice.

    What do you mean, “we got together after a 9 month ‘break'”?

    When somebody you’re dating says “I think we need to take a break” what does that really mean?

    It means they want to see other people. Next. One chance per lifetime per person when it comes to things like that 🙂

    People who are really into you don’t “go on 9 month breaks”. They might have a lot of work/school or a dying family member, or get into an accident and be in the hospital and unable to spend as much time with you as they’d like to spend with you, but they don’t go on 9 month breaks.

    It will save you a lot of grief if you remember that in the future: “You want a break from us? Sure thing”, then throw away their number and move on. Don’t waste a lot of time on men/boys who don’t really value you.

    What did he think you were going to do on this ‘break’? Join a convent? “Let’s go on a break” is just a mealy-mouthed way of saying “Hey, let’s break up, but I want to keep my options open with you in case my plan to trade-up doesn’t work out”.

  • Gina, these types( sounds like a narc) are not capable of true love. They only know games and an ego driven type of love. Don’t you settle for less! Cut your losses and go and find the real thing … You will know and feel the difference when you do. Real love isn’t hurtful or toxic! You may think the new girlfriend will get it, but she won’t… I repeat, he is not capable of it and never will be. He’s a lemon… Throw him away!

  • I have had to talk to the XN on a few occasions for financial reasons. He (even before I changed the locks) bitched and moaned about the main OW too, but I saw right through him. He wanted to string me along for supply. It’s hard, it’s very hard, but even though I didn’t want to I saw right through him.
    I was so completely depressed for such a long time he had me right where he wanted me. He finally pushed me over the edge by flaunting his affair and I dug up enough self respect (with major help from this site) and chose ME! No one can help you unless you want to be free. He doesn’t own you, hell he’s not even MARRIED to you, if he loved you you would have been married a long time ago and he would have been faithful. They love no one but themselves and I am loving life right now, it’s so easy, calm and the fear is slowly fading. WHY do they think they have the right to make us live in fear? Because we let them. Period.
    They can have him, he’s made his beds, he’ll never be happy with anyone and lying and leading secret lives is his normal. I’m through with the games, quite frankly it’s become a bore. Thier ego makes them think they are geniuses, well I’m done being an idiot to support his ego!

  • Chump Son will play father here. (I have a daughter, though she is only fifteen. But what would I say to her in this situation?)

    Honey. Sweetheart. I love you. Now listen to me:

    Dump him.

    Broken toy.

    There’s someone else out there who’s WORTHY of you.

    Dump him. And don’t look back.

    Guys like this don’t get better. They’re toxic. They only get worse. Sadly, he’ll make someone else miserable, but that’s not your problem, and it’s not a problem you can solve.

    • Excellent advice.

      I’m thinking of my ex as I toss my broken coffee pot in the trash. It made some good coffee in its day. We had many good mornings together. But it’s broken. And it can’t be fixed.

      • Exactly LL
        It made some good coffee in its day…but its broke and leaky now…Your resources and time will be wasted…:)
        However, I guess for most chumps the question on this forum is: How, where and when do I get a good partner as my void is threatening?

        • Or, maybe like a broken pressure-cooker, or microwave. In those cases, when the appliance malfunctions, you could get very, very hurt.

  • Gina, I echo the comments above. Walk away from this person. Is it going to hurt and be scary and feel very strange . . . .yes. . . .but only for a while. You have the facts. He is not going to change permanently, he’s only going to change temporarily so you don’t leave. Period. That’s not fun to think, it’s not what you wanted or dreamed about but it’s true. So you can leave him now or you can walk on egg shells and invest a huge amount of your resources on kleenex tissue and wine and become a professional chump. Don’t waste your life and your time. He doesn’t deserve the gift of you.

  • Dear All,

    Thanks a lot for your kind advises. It’s so good talking to people who know what I’ve been through. I’ve been through 6 months of mindfucking oppression by him, I felt like I’m drowning as he pull me down everytime things happened. It’s hard when that bastard keeps bothering you and the last time he texted me was yesterday. I knew what i did was the right thing for myself and I know that I’m able to pull through it by reminding myself that I deserve better. Thanks again. Be strong everyone! loves.

    • My therapist told me a couple of great things when I first landed on her doorstep, a quivering wreck of a woman.

      1. You have to mentally cut each string attached to him and each one will hurt. But you need to do it.

      2. He will continue on his path and will always screw up because this sort of behaviour isn’t a mistake but a way of coping with life. If you stay with him he will drag you down with him.

      3. It probably started out with little things that you noticed weren’t quite right but let slide. Then they got a bit bigger. And then it got bad. But you were like the proverbial frog dunked in a cold pot of water and he slowly turned the heat up until you were boiled and destroyed.

      Number three is your future if you stay with him, Gina. Get out. Now. Run. Deal with the pain. Gather those who support you around you. Get through it. It will take time. But you will survive and you will not be stuck with a cheating asshole for a decade or two, possibly with some kids, only to realise he hasn’t changed one iota. Let him go screw up someone else’s life.

      • Nord, this may be some of the best advice I’ve seen here (and I’ve seen the very best advise on this site). I have used that analogy over and over (frog in cold water), its exactly what these cake eaters do. I’ll never be blind again, that is one of the “gifts” we’ve gotten after surviving the terrible nightmares that were our exes.

      • That is fantastic advice. It hurts, but you MUST do it to survive.

        Is it bad that I just thought of that guy who got his arm stuck under a rock and had to cut it off? The man the movie 127 Hours was based on? It hurt like hell, but he cut it off to survive.

        …Am I a bad person for comparing this to him XD

  • I’ve found in life there are always things you REALLY don’t want to do but have to. Something as simple as going to school or work,having a medical procedure, going to a funeral, whatever. Either you just HAVE to do it or it’s the right thing to do so you can live with yourself. Well that’s how I faced the situation of getting away from him.
    Even tho’ my family and close friends said they would support me whatever I chose (altho’ they chose dump him!) I said time and time again I CAN’T take him back! And I meant it. It was/ is one of the hardest things I have ever done/am doing but it gets easier every day. I just look at it like I have no choice. And read CL lots and lots and lots, absorb all of your advice and support and try to do little things for ME!
    I’m sorry if I sounded harsh in my earlier comment, but sometimes these monsters just PISS ME OFF! Male or female. Sometimes I think about how simple life and love really can be and how they just take advantage and twist and mangle our minds till we’re wrecked. Sick fuckers. Then they make US sick! Oh well, off to work….something I HAVE to do! 🙂

    • “Getting and staying away from him is something I have to do.”

      Toni, I sort of summarized your advice in my head, and this has helped so much, it was like it was meant for me to read today. I am having such a bad, sad day after feeling great for so long (after my ex e-mailed me about something, and last night I dreamed about him for the first time in many many months). This morning I even felt like I wanted to contact him, which astonishes me. These bastards haunt us, don’t they? Anyhow, THANK YOU.

      • Yes! They do haunt us to a certain extend. The bastard send me an email today after unsuccessfully trying to contact me via phone. He said things like he misses the good old days that we shared, etc.He`s attempting to mindfuck me again. Lets stay strong Kelly!

        • HAHA! “The good ol’ days?” Who were they good for? You or him?

          They were good for him, because he had cake. In other words, he doesn’t miss you, he misses having his cake and eating it too.

          Ha…”good ol’ days.” That should go in the “Stupid Shit Cheaters Say” blog.

      • Ugh Kelly, I’m so sorry. Your strength and wisdom have helped me so much over the last few months, it really pains me to hear that he continues to find ways to hurt you (whether that was his intent this time or not). ((((((Hugs)))))))

        • Thanks HB, he doesn’t mean to hurt me or not, he just doesn’t care. It’s still mind blowing at times, especially when I hear from him (we still own a vacation home together which we are trying to sell) and when I dream about him. But I’m feeling better tonight. And thanks for the cyber-hugs. My CL friends are awesome 🙂

    • I usually pray while I walk my dog each morning. Lately, my prayer has been, “Lord, please help me to accept what needs to be accepted, and do what needs to be done.” I’ve come to realize that is the secret of having contentment and joy in life. I wasted several decades in struggling to make reality what I wanted it to be, instead of accepting what it was and procrastinating and turning a blind eye to what needed doing, because I was too scared to do it.

      Now I’m working on changing all that. It isn’t easy. In fact, it’s really, really hard. But I’m determined to find peace, happiness and ease in this life, something that has always eluded me until now.

  • I saw this the other day and just wanted to share….

    Somone who is worthy of your love will never put you in a situation where you feel you must sacrifice your dignity, your integrity, or your self-worth to be with them.

    Love it!

  • I’m past any kind of emotional attachment now, I think the only way I could have sex with the X now would be to go full Karma Sutra, video the whole thing and send it to the OM ;~)

  • I did think about sex with my h during the last 9 months, but then it made me think that I could not look myself in the mirror. I have tried to talk to him about the others, but he has been gaslighting me. I realize now that I do not know who he is/was. I feel that I have been disposed of like a worn out suit. I am sick of crying over a man who I supported emotionally and sometimes financially for 30 years, but now cannot tell me what he has been doing. Is it just one time or is he a womanizer? I think I have my answer. I now have gone Nc for 2 weeks. I know that it is not a long time, but I am taking baby steps. It has been a roller coaster that I cannot seem to get off of. But I am trying. This site has been so helpful. There is one thing I do find amusing . Male cheaters read from the same script when the wife/girlfriend find out. Same reasons, I did not feel loved, blah, blah, blah.
    Is it genetic or there is a night class that they take?

    • Good for you Boston, hang in there, NC is the only way. My oldest son told me yesterday that I should think of any “contact” with his father/my ex, in thought, word, or deed, like approaching a black hole….there is always that pull trying to suck us back in, and the closer one gets to it the stronger it becomes until it seems overwhelming and irresistible, so just STAY AWAY. Even a business like and brief email from my ex at this point can throw me for a loop. I was definitely abandoned like a “worn out suit”, my ex never ever looked back for me or his children….they get a text once every 6 months, and have not seen him in well over a year since D-Day. I think out minds or hearts just desperately search for closure and for some sign that he’s really not a monster and that all those years were not wasted in betrayal. Keeping busy with my family, friends and career was the thing that it me through….and this site. (((Hugs))))

  • Boston,

    Well, ya know, there is no “just” or “just once” or it “was only once.” It is very rarely ONLY one and we will never ever have the whole story and quite frankly, you don’t want to. Whenever I hear a woman saying, “we are going for FULL DISCLOSURE,” I cringe and shake my head because that is like taking the red hot poker and then twisting it round and round.

    Henceforth, the “trusting that he sucks.” Where there’s smoke, there’s more smoke, and yeah… hell burning fire. Don’t go there.

    When a man says that he doesn’t “feel” loved, what he really means is that he does not love himself. He will then go and CREATE a situation where it’s impossible for him to be loved, because he is too busy trying to procure his next conquest. However, he won’t accept responsibility for pushing you away and/or giving anything to you and then wonders why he’s not GETTING much. You can’t receive love if the door to his heart is shut.

    But it doesn’t matter because its a losing battle. Most of these guys are misogynists who seek to control and overpower women. Most had bad relationships with their own mothers. Some of it might be genetic, but they do all seem to be operating from the same lame script.

  • “But it doesn’t matter because its a losing battle. Most of these guys are misogynists who seek to control and overpower women. Most had bad relationships with their own mothers. Some of it might be genetic, but they do all seem to be operating from the same lame script.”

    Laurel- yes, yes, yes, and yes.

  • I am in somewhat similar situation. Did that “will you marry me, I’m lost without you” crap. I’ve had enough and just did no contact. however this asswipe owes me money (to put a downpayment for a house he bought, I know, Im stupid like that) and won’t pony up. It’s been so upsetting on my end to keep asking for the money back. I’m seriously filing a small claims case!!!

  • >