Dear Chump Lady,
My ex-boyfriend and I were in a long-distance relationship for the past 6 months. We got together after a 9-month break. Before then, we’d been together over three years.
I knew something was wrong when I couldn’t reach him some weekends while we were long distance.
During this time, we didn’t have any sex when we met up in several occasions. When confronted, he said that he doesn’t want to upset me, therefore doesn’t want to touch me but promised that the affection will be back.
I noticed that he started to chat up various girls on the internet. I’m furious after I found out, as I’m not getting enough attention from him, but he’s showering his attention elsewhere.
I asked for a breakup several times and every time he begged for my return and promised me that he would change, but he didn’t.
Then I stumbled across a lady’s profile on Facebook. She’s a friend of his and I asked him about her before. What he replied was “She’s a friend of my common friend and we met only once and aren’t talking to each other”, but it proved that all these are lies.
I found out that he has been cheating on me with her. In her profile are photos of my boyfriend and her having fun in clubs, provocative photos of them together and some of them are taken on his birthday, which I didn’t get to celebrate with him.
He finally confessed after I send him all the photos. He told me that he had a one night stand with this lady when we were not back together. But he didn’t stop after we got back together, he continued a double life.
I approached the lady and she told me that he said he didn’t have a girlfriend. Therefore I do not really put any blame on her as she’s a victim of this bastard too.
He went the typical cake eater ways of trying his best to keep the cake. He said that he would marry me and that’s the only way to mend his mistakes and made promises to me that he would not do it after we got married. He told me that that lady meant nothing to him and he only wants me, etc. I stupidly said yes as the thought of not having him around really scared me.
I was totally shattered after I got to know about his cheating, I spend days thinking and finally told him that it’s not going to work as I can’t bear the thought of him telling me he loves me while shagging other women behind my back.
We broke up three weeks ago. He wants “just a time off,” but I stood my ground as I know that won’t do me any good and only benefits him.
He texted me two weeks ago, changing his claim that the lady he cheated with meant nothing to him.
Now he said that he cares about her and he went to find her after we broke up. This really shook my ground. At first I thought that it was physical, but it was emotional too.
My self esteem hit rock bottom. I feel really bad about myself thinking that what she can provide that I can’t. I feel that I have to win the race, I must have his love back. I did the pick me dance.
After getting erratic for awhile, I started to see that I do not need to win. I won the race by leaving the cheater in the first place, but I still can’t understand why he needs to provoke me with his texts.
I still have questions. Did he want me to react to the situation and boost his ego further by seeing two women fighting over him? Why he did that?
I really do want to move forward with my life but I feel that I need certain kind of closure in order for me to do so. I do appreciate your effort in reading my email.
There’s no such thing as closure. There is just no contact and time, and that is your “closure.” You don’t get a magic A-HAH moment when it’s suddenly all better and his shitty behavior makes total sense. (We call trying to make sense of his shitty behavior “untangling the skein of fuckupedness”).
You totally did the right thing in dumping him. Now, block those texts and make him stay dumped. Because apparently, you’ve broken up before only to have him back.
That seems to be his MO — he lets a lot of women think he’s their boyfriend. So Gina, you need to learn from this — people who are your boyfriend ACT like your boyfriend.
- You don’t have to beg them for attention
- They don’t troll for other woman online
- You spend their birthday with them
- They have sex with you
Don’t worry. Lots of other people make this exact same mistake and they’re married. They think they have a husband or wife, because gosh, that person made a public commitment and they have shared history together. But then the person acts nothing like how a spouse is supposed to act, and it’s confusing.
At least in that case, they can fall back on the evidence of that shared life — the children, the wedding ring, the joint taxes. But my point is — with healthy people words match deeds. All you need to know about a person — any person — is told in their actions. Do they make you a priority? Do they remember your birthday? Are they generous with their time? Can they admit fault and apologize? Do they share the conversation space? Do they keep their commitments? Are they punctual? Are they a good friend to others? Do they pitch in? Do they clean up their messes?
This guy sounds like all talk and no substance. You call him on his shit and he offers you a bogus assurance and a new “commitment.” Gee, now he’ll marry you and Be Different. His talk has no value whatsoever because it’s not backed up by his actions.
So, Gina, his words are worthless. He’s a liar. If he said the OW means nothing to him, but now she’s his everything? Consider the source! He doesn’t care for you OR her. You’re just all delicious morsels of cake to him. You’re of use.
The cheater tactic of responding to a boundary by saying “Oh, well NOW I’m going to go to the other person, because you rejected me!” is a total mindfuck. Newsflash — he was already with the other woman. Don’t feel like your boundary setting drove him into her arms. That’s his way of punishing you for having a boundary. He wants his goddamn cake back and you mean, mean woman took the cake away.
That is why he is still pestering you and texting, because if he fucks with your head, and breaks you down, you’ll let him have cake again. How does he get cake? He tells you whatever you want to hear. And he shows up just enough in his boyfriend costume to let you almost believe him.
Change your number! And keep this guy dumped for good, Gina.