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Close Encounters of the Affair Partner Kind

Here’s an etiquette dilemma Emily Post completely skipped over — what do you say to the homewrecker who fucked your spouse?

Must you say anything at all? What about compulsory occasions like a child’s wedding? Or what if you stumble across them at your local hardware store (there in the screw department, I imagine) or worse, some “friend’s” party? Do you play it off with icy indifference? Flounce out of the room in tears? Slap the miscreant with your glove and challenge him to a duel?

How on earth do chumps share social space with these people? One chump Mandi writes:

I really, really need some good lines handy in case I get gobsmacked by an unexpected face-to-face with one of these people. I don’t know why I doubt myself so in this imagined instance, because I actually think I’ve handled [things] pretty effing well [so far].

Ideally, if any words are spoken to me at all, I’d like to think I’d say, “Oh, sorry, it’s my practice to treat my marriage as a private subject. I only discuss private subjects with friends.” And then make my smooth exit with no tripping or tears or stalling my car in reverse or something spazzy like that. This all assumes a balanced person hearing my words, which is already out of the question.

Of course I fantasize about saying things like, “Let me know if you need me to detail the lies he told YOU too, because they were at least every other line in the emails I found.” (Shit like he was sleeping on the couch 6 months, that he’d filed for divorce already, that he’d already told me everything, etc.)

I’m not sure why this encounter (which will likely never happen) is so scary to me. Or why I don’t think I could behave. I think on some level it is still very unreal to me. The thought of having one of the affair partners in living color, there in front of me, COMPLETELY paralyzes me.

Well, Mandi, don’t let it paralyze you. Take your power back and quit giving this person mental real estate. I know that’s easy for me to say, I’m years out from my infidelity nightmare, have no kids with the guy, and last I heard the major bat shit crazy OW was still living her drab existence in suburban DC. Not much chance of running into her.

But there was a time when she was a big boogeyman in my head, sure. The ex liked to tell me she was prone to violent rages! alcoholism! drama! (Projection much, dude?) Very convenient — if the cheater tells the AP and the spouse that the other one is CRAZY, well, hey, they might not compare notes. Unified Theory of Cake and all. Don’t talk to each other! You don’t know what she’ll do!

The person who called me on the phone just sounded small and sad, really. Occasionally haughty. But then she asked me when I got married, and she started to cry. Honestly, in that moment I felt sorry for her. Later she followed that performance with cyberstalking and harassment, but here’s my point (I was coming to it, really) — affair partners are PATHETIC. They are damaged, sad, fucked up people. Amoral. At best they are lost and deluded, at the worst they are predatory creeps. There isn’t a single affair partner in this world you should feel intimidated by.

But! But! That person fucked my spouse! They laughed at me! Shared intimacies! Wished me gone! Conspired against me! Tried to take my life and turn my children against me! They humiliated me!

Yes. Exactly. They’re scum.

Chumps, you didn’t do anything wrong. Not. One. Thing. You’re not the person with the dirty secret or the shame to carry. You brought your A game. You tried. You were committed to your marriage. There is no crime in being a chump. You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about or afraid of. The person who should feel mortified is the affair partner. Why should you retreat? Why should you skulk off upset? Hold your head high.

When you internalize that this person is pathetic — and you are not — the power balance will shift. You don’t have to be afraid to run into one of them. What are they going to do? Taunt you? Say nannernanner boo boo I fucked your spouse? Your response to that should be — you’re welcome to that sparkly dog turd. Best of luck to you.

There is no competition when you realize that this pitiful person is fighting for the attentions of a wing nut. Someone who most likely will betray them too, just like they betrayed you. You might look at them with an air of pity or mild disinterest. Like one of those news broadcasts about refugee camps in far away places. Oh. That’s sad. And remote. Huh. These things don’t end well…

Does that not seem satisfying? But what of the injustice! Those affair partners — why they just need a good talking to!

Save your breath. You might as well lecture a door post. You can’t shame these people. Let karma find them. They’ll learn soon enough what it is to be played by Mr. or Ms. Sparkles.

Still need a good line? My sister-in-law has a terrific one that goes: “Surely you must know what I think of you.”

Which I think is brilliant, because it is all purpose AND it leaves whatever insulting thing to their imaginations. If you have the misfortune to run into one of these people, say that, and then just walk away. Nothing else is required.

 

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  • Very shortly after Dday, I was standing on line in the grocery store, and right behind me was the husband of my NPD ex’s fuckbuddy. I happened to know this man (and the fuckbuddy and the OTHER woman ex was fucking quite well) and right there in the market, I told him his wife was fucking my husband, and I was sorry to have to tell him so. He looked surprised and said he would watch her. I have no idea what ever happened with that marriage, but ex told me it was “very vindictive and malicious” of me to have told the husband. I guess my ex didn’t think fucking the man’s wife was a problem, though.

    Anyway, my ex ended up with neither of the two women he was screwing. My biggest nightmare back then was that he would live happily ever after with one of them. Here’s the thing though, I knew that if he did end up with one of them, the best course of action would be to keep my head high, my voice level and be icily polite. I’m not a lying, cheating pos, after all, so why lower myself to their level? The high road is the best, IMHO.

    But I admit, that I do occasionally fantasize about running into one of those two women around town, walking up to them and saying, “Hello, OW. How are you? Still fucking other women’s husbands?”

    • Dear GIO: i have fantasized about doing the same thing. Plastering nasty details if the all over FB, taking an ad out in the local paper, showing up at AP’s new “work”. But… Thats only going to make me look like a desperate lunatic. Why show that I care or hurt to HER? She didnt give a chit about me or my family when she was fucking my husband.
      But then again…I wasnt married to her, so probably our anger should be directed at our NPD RPS stbxh…

      • I kind of agree that our anger should be directed at our cheating spouses but then again not a single woman he fucked (including my close friend) was unaware that he was a married father of two. Every single one of them knew and simply did not give a shit. So I do hold them somewhat responsible. The final one played little girl ‘oh dear, I feel so bad about this’ while sucking him off. He seems to think she is deep and feeling due to this.

    • I did something similar the other day. I ran into OW’s unicorn chasing husband, and since he did not recognize me, I asked him if he remembered me. Before he could speak, I said:” Your wife was fucking my ex for about 6 months, back in 2013…” and he freaked out. Started to call me names, said I was a psycho, all that jazz. I sort of regret saying anything to him because I realize how un-meh it was of me, and how crazy it made me look but I just couldn’t help myself. I’ve shared this story on here before, and the detail of the affair has to do supposedly with monies owed by OW’s husband to my ex. Ex claims OW’s husband owed him money and basically let his own wife fuck it off. As fucked up as it sounds, I’m inclined to believe the ex. I know money was owed and I know ex never got it back. The rest I’m not sure about.

  • Thank you CL for your wise words. I had been pondering this as the AP (as all of them have been) live in or close to my town. Oh yeah, did I mention 2 of them are my former co-workers? Yeah, they “left” because they are bat-shit crazy NPD’s…just like stbxh.

  • Yeah, I know I am better than that whore affair partner. Sometimes I actually do want to run into her so she can see the kind of woman she will never be. And how I’ve moved on and am doing great without my ex. But only if I’m really put together that day. And it would help if I knew I had a fabulous new career (on my way!) and a hot, successful and, of course, non-narcissistic boyfriend (nowhere near this one yet). I’d like to think I could keep my shit together and just disdainfully glance her way while continuing on with my awesomeness, but I just don’t know 🙂

  • CL, this was an extremely timely post for me. The AP is marrying XWH this weekend and permanently moved into the town in which we live and the marital home with him a few days ago. Just this evening, I had my first glimpse of her in the flesh with XWH. Fortunately, we were only passing each other in the car, but it definitely hit me with a jolt. While I have absolutely NO intention of altering my routine (like hiding in the grocery store if I see her or running from a place if she enters it), I have been dreading how I might react if she had the gall to try and come up and introduce herself in some sort of attempt to appear that she’s the bigger person. I’m going to memorize that line: “Surely you must know what I think of you.” Let’s hope she has enough sense in that pre-adolescent brain of hers to let me walk away and to not make a scene.

    Send me some mojo, folks. Of course, I have to be the one with the idiot XWS who actually marries the AP. How do you marry someone that you met on Ashley Madison?!?!

    • ‘How do you marry someone that you met on Ashley Madison?!?!’ This made me laugh so hard; ooooooh, that’s going to end well!

      Sometimes you have to wait and wait for that karma train to run them over, but sometimes you can see it coming down the track right away!

    • I feel your pain. My exs AP hasnt moved in to the family home, but she’s over there alot. I still feel sick to my stomach when I see her car parked out in front of the home where we raised our children. They refuse to be there when she is there which is healthy for them. Still, it really hurts. Hopefully, some day soon it won’t affect me. I hope all these skanks get the consequences they deserve!

    • you aren’t the only one. . .my ex is marrying his AP next weekend. A big to-do all around in order to legitimize the affair. It’s beyond strange to watch this play out and to hear how she redecorated the house. Keeping my finger’s crossed the weather is sultry, thundershowers and very buggy. . .at least karma can give me that much, right? Lol. That being said, she’s welcome to him. She’ll find out.

    • Unbelievable. Who would marry a man or woman they met on a cheater’s site? How does he explain to friends and family where they met? Are they shameless?

      • Solange, they must be. Everyone I tell that story to thinks that they are completely out of their minds (even the counselor the kids and I are seeing over this whole mess). I have no idea what they’ve told people about how they met, and it saddens me to think that his friends and family are turning a blind eye to this sham of a marriage. I hope that someone on his side will be there for my kids when I can’t be.

        • Have you been tempted to tell his family how he met her? I know it would be difficult for me to keep my mouth shut.

          I am so impressed with your strength, MovingOn. And I’m so sorry you have had to live this nightmare.

          • Thanks, Solange. I know that his parents know that he cheated, but I don’t know if they know how they met. I have no desire to tell people anything. About 99% of his friends and family are long-distance, and since none of them have turned against me, I’m not interested in saying anything that would probably only make me appear to be the lunatic ex-wife. I’m going to let XWH dig his own grave. He’s doing a fine job of it so far without my help.

            • Moving On,

              You are following a very smart, cool-headed strategy. Once relationships crumble, recovering Chumps have to do two things that are kind of contradictory. They are:

              1. Stop forgiving and get good and mad. And….

              2. Become very cool-headed and strategic.

              It’s hard to understand how emotionally barren these n-types are. As an example, a guy in his mid-life crisis who suddenly throws away his family is really a pretty strange, hard, cold character inside. He may fake emotions to get what he wants (and to string along the Chump), but there is really very little depth to these characters. Many times, they have childish or adolescent type fantasies about “the new life” they think they are going to have.

              So, two stops on the Road to Meh. One is getting mad, but the other is not letting anger affect strategy. Chumps have to think like Rommel, Napoleon, Alexander the Great and other great strategists. To me, Moving On, you are being VERY smart in not poisoning the well with his family. Maybe some day you could drop the tidbit about how they met, but now is not the time. You are thinking cool and calculatingly. It’s not an easy thing to do, but you are doing it and doing it well!!!!

              • Thank you, David! It helps to have sites like these where I can benefit from the advice and experiences of others. I have avoided making several dreadful mistakes because I have been lucky enough to be acquainted with folks who have gone through the same mess. I literally post before I act at times!

        • I am SO sorry, MovingOn – I really feel for your kids. The marriage won’t last long – it can’t, it’s not build on trust – but it really sucks that your kids are forced to ride a roller coaster they never agreed to get on.

          Is there anyone in his family you can turn to who might keep an eye out for your children?

          • Thanks, Red. I think that his mother will be a good ally. She has chosen to stay in touch with me and still sends me gifts for certain holidays, so it’s my plan to reach out to her if needs be. The kids are also in counseling, so I think that talking to a professional about what’s going on at XWH’s house will also help us with coping strategies.

            • You are doing great, Moving On. No sense in writing off his mother, since it sounds like she wants to be a good Grandma. She’ll eventually figure out her son, as will his children.

          • Wow that must be verrry difficult, MovingOn.
            I’m sorry for that. It’s so hard to fear the day you will bump into the OW.

            My x is living with the woman he got pregnant and they live pretty close to my parents. I still get nervous going out and getting worried I will run into them.

            It’s so hard in a matter of weeks he is living with another woman having her baby… I know he says he is unhappy and is still in love with me but it still hurts (apparently she suspects he’s not over me too since she asked him to get her old engagement ring appraised and he didn’t take mine… She flipped and said he wasn’t over me and wanted to know if she will ever measure up to me in his mind)

            I honestly don’t know what I would do if I ran into them…. Probably hide lol

            I really do hope that they won’t work out and I don’t have to worry about that for long! ( he does admit that he knows he won’t be with her forever… She’s too much like him and there is no love so whether he leaves now or later they won’t last). I know he’s lied but God I hope this was him speaking the truth!!!

  • I did run into the last non prostitute AP. I had no idea it was her. We evidently had a mutual friend, that my ex didn’t even know, so it really was totally coincidence. When the friend (who knew nothing about what was going on in my personal life) was introducing us, and I was politely asking her how she knew the mutual friend, I put two and two together and said, “Oh I know you! You’re the woman that was giving my fiance blow jobs!” All with a big happy smile on my face. Her response…. wait for it…….. “who’s your fiance, again?” Guess there was more than one. It wasn’t me that left the gathering, and my mutual friend laughed until she cried.

    I never said a word about it to my ex, and since he never said anything to me, I gather the AP didn’t either.

  • I was having coffee with a friend of mine the Monday after a nonprofit event that I found out that SW was in Hawaii with her SECOND guy, 100 days after our wedding, 3 weeks after I moved my things out (so fucked up) and I looked up and the original AP (not sure what to call the second guy? Do we have an snarky acronym for this? AP2 maybe?) sitting at a table with his father and a few of his dads friends. AP’s dad and family are a big deal in town. I’d say maybe top 5, certainly top 10 in money and influence. They would want to keep this “Hidden.” For a minute or two, thoughts raced through my head. Should I go over and just box his ears? I mean the little rat bastard was at my bachelor party, SW ‘regret” guy. He fucked my wife 49 days into my marriage (just DDay, much, much sooner.) If anyone deserves to get his ass kicked it this guy. Eddie, you don’t need to go to jail. Walk over and introduce yourself to his dad and say “you should be proud of your son. He fucked my wife and destroyed my marriage………..” This seemed like the best possible option. AP is a bit of a fuck up. He works for the family (read he sponges off of them) and is a big partier, pot smoker POS and is a semi-source of embarrassment for them. So I decided this was the best option. I’ll rat the POS out in front of his dad and his pals and vengeance will be mine!

    I stood up, held my head high, and made my way over. The tables were about 20 feet apart. I got about halfway and then it hit me. Yes Eddie, he sucks. He is scum. He. Is. A. Loser. Everyone in this town knows this! He is a total fuck up and this is just another of his horrible decisions that eventually the Karmic Reckoning will deal with and deliver its message with my name on it. Plus, and this is weird, he kind of did me a solid. SW is a HUGE POS! She is 100 times worse than this guy. Good. God. Eddie. She’s on her second guy already. She is a crazy person! He probably figured out she was insane as well and HE figured it out in 30 days! You had to marry her! lol. I just looked up the definition of Chump and it said: See Eddie.

    This all happened much faster than my retelling of the story. Anyway, I walked on by and I didn’t stop. Grabbed a couple of packs of Equal but I did give him the stink eye. This is a good metaphor to end my story on. AP’s are not worth the time. Walk on by and let them go. They know that we know, they suck.

    • He really really did you a favour, Eddy! Not in a very nice way, but as you said, everybody already knows he’s a loser …..

      I wouldn’t be able to process things so fast in such an emotional situation; I’m impressed!

  • I hadn’t even finished reading this post before something smacked me over the head:

    “Affair partners are PATHETIC. They are damaged, sad, fucked up people. Amoral. At best they are lost and deluded, at the worst they are predatory creeps.”

    Our cheating exes (or STBXs) are APs, too! And this describes them perfectly…once again, CL nails them and their APs.

    • “Affair partners are PATHETIC. They are damaged, sad, fucked up people. Amoral. At best they are lost and deluded, at the worst they are predatory creeps.”

      I like that

    • This is so true.

      I went to see yet another lawyer in my round of lawyer interviews prior to lawyering up and filing. I told her that STBX had very likely co-signed a loan or possibly liquidated an asset to help OW buy a car after she’d been turned down by literally dozens of banks. Lawyer asked me how I knew, and I explained that we had a letter arrive at the house addressed to STBX and OW. Now, she’d put her pen down when I mentioned that STBX had likely helped finance a car, but when I mentioned that the letter arrived at the house, her jaw dropped. Her comments were on the line of, “she certainly knows a sucker when she sees one” and “you mean you got the letter addressed to the two of them at your house???!!!”

      I told her that I thought they deserved each other. I still believe that. The AP will bleed STBX of any money he has, which isn’t much. STBX can’t save anything. He’ll invest, but at dribbles. Any time he has actual funds he can get his hands on, he spends them. OW is the cliche trailer trash, with the drama. She’s cheap, but she will burn through money as if there’s no tomorrow.

      So yeah, she’s pathetic. She’s also predatory. I know she’s trying to get a job at my place of employment. Since you could populate a small village with the number of people we employ, it’s unreasonable that I could hope to block her employment, but if her name ever crosses my desk, it’ll have a big red mark running through it.

      And once the divorce is settled, the same will go for STBX.

  • I fantasise about this: I don’t care I really want to tell her what I think of her and if I ever get the oppurtunity I will. I can be a real witch on wheels when I get rolling and I can swear like a sailor ( and enjoy the cathartic release) No high road here down and dirty. Nothing to lose. I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

  • And yes I know it exposes the fact that the two of them has hurt me like no one has ever hurt me before and nothing will be gained and it will give the bitch something to tell her friends (See I told you poor boy had to put up with that).

    • Then don’t do it….because the tale they had to weave , the make believe, justification , certified lie that they told everyone as to why their corruption was taking place…( their behaviour rubs most people the wrong way)….so the bullshit story that is told makes you out to be a horrible person…mean, miserable, uncaring….and you must be ?…because “why else would I have an affair”….so as much as we would love to lose our shit on these idiots an say to them what other people already think…(trust me on that one)…..only spotlights what THEY have told people…so you are right unfortunately…any retaliation makes us look like the person they conjured up…its tough to sit back and be humiliated I know …but time has a way of filtering their bullshit….all those terrible things about you, (that people never saw in the first place) never come to light, …all the abuse stories and “reasons” why …they don’t add up now…don’t make sense…and eventually their story doesn’t hold water …so the moral of the story is….say nothing…ignore them as you have so far…hold your head high …if you do find yourself in front of the other person one day….body language hurts the most! either the blandest most un-acknowledgable look you can give as if they are a complete nothing to you…because they know who you are and I believe they also think of that awkward moment too. So appearing as if they don’t exist will make it’s point……or the other is to look at them and laugh , shake your head and walk away….they again will feel insignificant especially in a public setting where others see this…people will feel the disdain you have for that person . I have thought of many scenarios of revenge against the other guy but in the end …really what did he get?….a uncaring , untrustworthy , lying, cheating , shallow , amoral woman who has zero integrity. (His wife was her best friend)…..so what did he get?…..he pays huge amounts of support to his now ex LOL…he has limited access to his kids…their affair crashed and burned haaahaaa ….sooooo what did he get??… YES you and me and the children …the innocent parties in this get effed over too and it hurts deeply…all of us get hurt but the only way we can go on is by living better now then we have. We all have had to eat our share of shit sandwiches and you start to get used to the taste but time will come around to where you get to feed them one or two as well.

  • They don’t care, so why bother? Many of them get off on “winning” what they think/thought was a competition. Let Karma knock them down!

    • So true. My stbxh’s AP thinks she won her “soulmate”…they just HAD to be together. Thing is, I won. I no longer have to live with an active alcoholic who is lazy, unclean, not very bright, a big fat liar and drunk all the freaking time. Oh, and he’s a CHEATER too. Good luck Amie! He’s ALL YOURS. You have my blessing. Please MARRY HIM as soon as our divorce goes through. May your next arrest be the big one.

      • I think this as well. I am sure that OW will think she’s “won,” and maybe she has in a way. After all, she’ll be with an idiot who’ll buy her a friggin’ car! However, I’m certain that I’ll have won, too. I’ll not have a liar and a cheat. I won’t miss a man who constantly tells me I’m a slob (the house is clean enough for company all the time). I’m thrilled at the prospect of not having to cook to his schedule, or walk on eggshells.

        STBX? He’ll be the loser in all of this. He gets a woman who pisses through money, who sleeps with the man with the biggest wallet, who demands constant attention or she’ll turn hers elsewhere, and whose house features dirty paper plates stacked on the sink counter. Oh, and she is a binge drinker.

        I can’t wait!

  • I did confront the affair partner. I told her exactly what I thought of her, that she was a cheap trashy whore. What type of woman runs around on their husband before they got engaged, who texts my partner and says that she wishes she was on honeymoon with them, and then proceeds to get pregnant and still continues an emotional/physical affair. Further what type of man, screws a woman who is married to another and has a small child risking the break up of their family unit.

    She begged me not to break up her family in the confrontation and said she was deeply apologetic. She said that the first time I found out as well.

    Just. Trust. That. They. Suck

    • I confronted mine, but only through text late at night one night during my “reconciliation”. She tried a bunch of woe is me crap on me as well (maybe my ex and her ARE perfect for each other!) about how “abusive” her husband is and how wonderful mine is. How she can’t quit working with my (now ex) husband because they’re broke and she wouldn’t be able to find anything else and blah blah blah. I did even feel pity for her for a bit (so I guess the woe is me routine did work). I tell her to leave her husband, go back to school, etc., etc. She gave me a bunch of reasons why she couldn’t do any of those things. I seriously can’t stand it when people act like victims who are trapped in their circumstances and can’t do anything to change them. In the end of the conversation, she told me how even though I think she’s a bad person or whatever that she would prove she isn’t and do the right thing and leave their workplace.

      Cut to 1.5 years later and she’s still there. She sure did show me what kind of person she is!

      • Mine did that too! The “woe is me, my life is so painful” bullshit.

        I confronted her in a long-ass e-mail saying I knew about it, I don’t know what he’d told her, but he was not completely broken up with me, and that he straight up lied to my face when I asked him if he was seeing someone else behind my back. I told her that if he’s so comfortable with lying to me like that, what made her think he wouldn’t lie to her?

        She gave me this ridiculous diatribe of a sob-story about all her health issues, as well as her father’s health problems (the fuck he had to do with any of it, I don’t know, I think she was just trying to pile on the guilt-tripping) and some bullshit about how she was sooooooooo sooooorrrryyyy that I was hurting and she didn’t mean to cause me any pain and a whole bunch of other vomit. I guess somehow she thought having a lot of health problems entitled her to fuck my boyfriend. Like some kind of selfish consolation prize. “I’ve had shitty health problems so I’m entitled to your boyfriend and the pain you feel is nothing compared to mine anyway.”

        I know exactly what I’d say to her if I saw her now.

        “Told you.”

  • “Affair partners are PATHETIC. They are damaged, sad, fucked up people. Amoral. At best they are lost and deluded, at the worst they are predatory creeps.”

    YES!!!!!!

    I’m memorizing THIS. If I cross paths with STBX and OW, this is what I’ll be thinking.

    And I’ll be smiling and laughing the whole time.

  • I was on maternity leave when my ExH didn’t come home one night. I got up in the morning, put the kids in the car, drove up to AP’s apartment, got out, kept one eye on the parked car with my babies, knocked on the door, asked the AP’s roommate where AP’s bedroom was, and walked in. She was laying in her bed, he was sitting on the side of the bed putting on his pants.

    I said something like, “I’ve got the kids in the car so I can’t stay but if you want him, he’s yours. Take him. If either of you has the guts to talk to me, I’ll be outside at my car for 5 minutes.”. AP came out and we stood outside my car and had a lovely conversation – I just told her I knew all about it and that she was not the only one (true). She felt guilty enough I guess to spill lots of things – how it started, what he told her (we were getting a divorce unbeknownst to me, etc.) She was pathetic stumbling all over herself apologizing and crying.

    POS exH skulked away and took off in his car. At least she had the balls to face me.

    • Actually, sometimes these APs are also victims (Affair partners are PATHETIC. They are damaged, sad, fucked up people. Amoral. At best they are lost and deluded). In fact, personality disordered predatory types (PDs) actively look out for people, who are wobbly and who might be suffering from abusive homes, deceased loved ones, difficulties of single motherhood or just some other form of vulnerability. PDs read such victims and approach them in a manner, which is most suitable to grant support to their victims. Their victims play according to their rules and give all control to the PDs. Then the “suck up blood and self esteem program” starts.

      If somebody finds oneself in such a situation, they should find qualified practitioners’ help. Such APs need not have compassion from chumps as they are responsible to inflict unbearable pain on chumps and their kids. But we need to remember that they signed up for worse and have inadvertently freed us from serfdom!

      • Very possible they are also chumps but in my case she KNOWS he is married. Yes she is pathethic because she has always lived poor, not sure what her marriage was like but sees my H as her big ticket item out of poverty.

  • My best friend said it best: God made them and the devil matched ’em. She knows what he is. He has many other women. He lies, cheats, steals, and controls her every move. Yet she stays. She is in her own hell.

  • Thanks CL! I love your line, and I will use it if the occasion ever presents itself.

    I am not above anger and rage toward the AP. I have a name for her that is the most obscene and hideous thing that I can come up with, and it gives me pleasure to call her that in my mind. But up until now, if I ever met her, my plan was to say only “You are a disgrace” and leave it at that. I like your line even better. Really feels good to hold my head above the filth and stench of the both of them.

  • After the D-day, when I was into R (thanks to the grand Reconciliation Industrial Complex especially in countries like India) and kind of playing the pick me dance…I called on to my ex’s office for some urgent need at home. He let his secretary (one of the OWs) answer the call and tell me that I should tell her what the matter was as her sir was in an important meeting!

    I knew it was deliberate. I also knew that she was advising my ex big time (the predatory type and married). So, I coolly told her this: “See, it is beneath me to talk to secretaries…I have my own secretary, who shall get in touch with you, if bilateral ties are to be discussed. Tell your fuck-buddy master, who I have created, to talk to me when he is free as there is something urgent at home and he doesn’t get a say after the decision is taken”

    I think it sealed that for her. She never held my call after that!

  • Hell wait I said one more line: “Just because she sleeps with my fuck-buddy doesn’t give her or any other slut that my H slept with, a position to talk to me. Save your job and pass on this info to your fuck-buddy boss…”

  • My only encounter with the AP was a phone call. I had left my husband because he refused to seek treatment for his alcoholism, and was staying in a hotel…a nice hotel. I figured hell, if you’re going to have a crisis, at least do it in style. Anyway, in between open AA and Al-Anon meetings I was sorting out the practicals of my new life. Looking over the cell phone bills, I started to see the pattern emerge….so I picked up the hotel phone and called the number. Pretty sure she knew it was me who was calling. Hubby must have told her where I was. She picked up and sat there in silence…total silence. She didn’t hang up…just sat there. I calmly asked her how she knew my husband. Silence. She didn’t hang up. I calmly asked her if she was having an affair with my husband. Silence. She didn’t hang up. I calmly asked again. Silence. And I knew. Her silence said it all. I hung up and didn’t ask anything more or say anything to her. It’s a funny thing — that “conversation”. In an instant, all of his behavior finally made sense. It was like the last puzzle piece falling into place and I could finally see the complete picture. I didn’t go crazy because I realized, in that completely screwy few minutes, that he was not worth fighting for and she was not worth fighting over. Turns out she’s ripping through her second marriage and moving on to my soon to be ex H (I will be exW #2 for my sparkly turd). They are certainly pathetic. I do wonder if I’ll ever run into her. Despite the fact that I live in a large city, it blows my mind how small a world it can be. I ran into a guy I went to middle school with the other day (and I grew up on the other side of the country from where I live). I understand the desire to be mentally prepped for that event. I’m hoping it goes the way of my phone conversation — that my silence will speak volumes to her. I’m not the one who can’t look her in the eye. Sure, she may judge me….think that I wasn’t good enough to keep “my man”….but look at the man she got. Isn’t that punishment enough?

  • If the cheater of someone else tries to get the two of you to meet.

    “He is a man willing to sleep with a married woman. Maybe because of his relationship with his parents. Maybe because of his stressful work or life. Maybe because of how Mars and Venus lined up. I know he slept with my wife and that’s all I need to know.”

    Obviously change gender as appropriate.

  • Anyone have similar advice but for what to say to the STBX when seeing him for first time many months after he left and having no contact?

    • The absolutely best, if you think your ex is narcissistic, is to be polite, business-like if there is business to be dealt with, and express ZERO interest in them or in sharing anything about yourself with them.

      If the ex asks about you, you give him the dead eye and say ‘I’m fine, thanks’, and either stop talking or change the subject to business. If he says anything about himself, you give him the dead eye and ignore what he’s said. If he asks about someone else (family, kids, friends), you say ‘they’re fine’, dead-eye, change subject.

      Not only does this protect you from any interaction that’s going to make this encounter even harder, it drives the narc NUTS!!! They can stand hatred, they love drama, a soft or sad exchange is something they would love. Because all those things mean they are still important to you; kibbles, kibbles!

      But treating them like you barely know them and really are not interested, this KILLS them. And that’s what we like!

      • Karen,

        Thank you. I like the idea of appearing indifferent. I think I will find it hard not to get emotional but I will do my best to steel myself and remind myself that he is not a good person, not the person I thought he was, and that giving him a reaction of any kind would somehow be a stroke to his ego.

    • Like Nina, I’d appreciate some advice on this situation. It looks like there will be a divorce settlement hearing on the money that SW owes me. My guess is that her “we support infidelity team” will be with her along with Shrek. I have some friends that want to wear t-shirts that say “cheaters suck” or “Infidelity Support Group of Greater……….” You know, something a little subtle. 😉 Seriously, I’m not looking forward to this at all. I haven’t seen SW since March. Ironically our last court date was the day before she left for Hawaii with Shrek. I remember thinking how horrible she looked. Her face was bloated, her skin looked oily and she had this terrible Cleopatra type haircut with bangs that if she was going for the victim look, well she nailed it.

      • Eddie – I’m with Karen on the approach. A cool, civil response will take the wind out of the sails – eliminates responses such as: 1) “Oh, he’s fine!! He’s moved on! We’re all good friends now!” or 2) “he’s a mess – and will never get over me poor thing “, or 3) “he’s just so angry – see why I had to . ”

        Gives them nothing to work with and you have control of the interaction and maintain dignity.

        Be prepared that someone may try to hug you. Seriously.

        • Marcie-

          Seriously, hug me??? I think I just had a little bit of throw up in my mouth. What on earth for or why? If you mean the condescending hug of “thank God I cheated on you and got a big mansion with an abusive alcoholic cheater to raise my kids with” hug, I will wear a porcupine suit to court. Seriously.

  • I still remember hearing all that protectiveness being directed at the AP, and I remember thinking to myself, “Transference much?”

    Andy even went and helped the AP clear out her home with her (still) husband. Apparently he had really screwed AP over.

    I remember thinking to myself, “Like you and AP are screwing me over?”

    This was after Andy had volunteered to cut all ties with her. But hey, she contacted him and demanded he keep his promises to her.

    Funny how she wasn’t so concerned if he kept any promises to his wife.

  • I wish I could be stronger. I have lost it the past few days and voiced my opinion of OW and EX in front of my kids. I know I shouldn’t, but it is so terribly difficult to face the fact that this person will be raising my children almost 50% of the time. All I know about her is that she sleeps with married men. And her hair looks like a wig. And that the reason he took the two cats and let me have the dog is that OW is a cat freak.

    I need help. I am afraid I am going to alienate my children.

    • Solange, you’re in the very middle of the hardest hardest situation, it’s no wonder you’re losing it a bit.

      But you’re right, it’s not the best for your kids. You need to be able to choose what you tell them and what emotion they get to see, based on a calm understanding of their ages, their needs and their capacities.

      Do you have a good therapist? That can make a world of difference! Do you have friends who understand, and who you can call when you need to rant? (I’ve stood on street corners as the crowd streams by, ranting to a friend on the phone and crying my heart out, and I’ve called people at 1 am, and I’ve stepped out into the back yard to call a friend and rant, so as not to upset my kids too much.) You’d be amazed at how understanding and supportive people can be when you’re in need – let yourself lean on them now.

      And of course, we chumps always understand!!

    • Solange,

      Sending a big hug through this computer screen and letting you know you can be strong! You had a human moment with your children. Forgive yourself because you are going through an exceptionally difficult time. How long ago did you find out about the OW? For what this is worth, maybe look at it this way: your children must be hurting as much as you, and because they are children, they are processing this change in their own way. But you can bet they feel angry, too, and they likely understand how you feel.

      My WH had been married before, and I learned in the aftermath of my marriage unraveling, his first wife had gone through the exact same experience I was going through. I have a thirteen year old stepdaughter from my marriage to my WH, and had been an almost full time presence in her life for six years. My husband and his first wife had divorced about three years before I met him, and he had told me the whole story “backwards” — that his first wife was the one who cheated. In the interest of what was best for their daughter, they played exceptionally nice with each other and promised each other they would never put her between them. I actually commended them for this approach when I first got together with my husband, and I thought it was a good thing his ex-wife was very communicative with friendly. I was grateful there wasn’t any animosity, and she was very nice to me, too (granted I wasn’t the OW in their marriage breaking up). But here’s something I noticed over those six years (she lived with us almost full time for four of those years): my stepdaughter carried a lot of unresolved feelings about her parents divorce. It was obvious, and we went to family counseling for a time to try to give her an outlet. Her anger expressed itself in wild temper tantrums followed by extreme emotional withdrawal. I’m by no means a psychologist, expert in the field, etc, etc….the only thing I have to go on is observation and experience when I put this idea forward: I actually think, in a very strange way, her parents always playing nice with each other and never putting a level headed boundary on the table between them, confused her more about their divorce. “Well, they get along so well, why did the marriage need to end? Why they can’t be together if they can be nice to each other?” I’m by no means advocating for anger and mud-slinging from the parents in a situation like this, but I am advocating for honesty that children can understand and handle.

      There are resources out there you need to tap into to help you figure this out, and to help you find those words. I really do believe the best thing for the kids is to find a way to honestly explain the situation in a way that doesn’t overwhelm them, and allows them the space to know they can still love their dad. I think it’s vitally important to emphasize to children that bad choices don’t have to define them, and as they work through their own feelings, encourage openness with you and their father. Do you have family, friends you can lean on right now?

      I’ll leave you with this thought: you’re assuming right now the OW will be there 50% of the time, which more than likely will not be the case. She will probably keep herself as far away from your kids as she can, because she didn’t give a rats ass about your children when she got involved with your husband. Any woman with some moral fiber would have said, “Dude, you’re married and have a family. Keep it in your pants and go home”. She wasn’t thinking like a mother. She was thinking of herself, and that will continue. If she has children of her own, that makes an even lousier case against her as a parent. I understand your fear completely…have the same fear about my stepdaughter and the OW. For a time I thought she’d like her better, and then I thought, am I nuts? There’s no way in hell she’s ever going to respect that woman.

      Know you have the strength to teach your kids the people you want them to be, and you will not be perfect in this process. You’re all coping right now, and with the right support, help and outlets, you will find a place to express your feelings and let your kids know you are the shining example of what they should be in life.

      Keep your chin up!!!! You can do this.

    • Solange, it’s so hard with kids. You want to protect them from the terrible choices someone else made for them, you want to be honest with them and you’re dealing with your own pain and bewilderment. I suppose it depends on how old your kids are – mine are 12 and 15 – old enough to understand my difficulties and old enough to understand what happened with the AP. It’s a constant struggle for me to be true to myself without demonizing my STBX at every turn, but I think if you do your best not to initiate trash-talk you’re at a good starting place. Notice I said “Do your best” – your best is all you can ever do – you don’t need to protect your ex anymore, only yourself and your kids. I think protecting them includes putting away the spackle – you want your kids to recognize bad behavior wherever they see it so that they will not fall victim to the sparkle, too. Hang in there and trust!

    • Solange,
      I understand how difficult your situation is. I heard Dr. Phil say that when you trash talk the other parent, it affects your child, because that person is half of who they are.
      While I am not a huge Dr. Phil fan, that made sense to me.

      My boys were 12 and 14 when my ex and I finally divorced (after false R- he left me again for another OW) and I said very little. I knew they had to draw their own conclusions. They did, and now they complain about the ex and I feel free to agree!

      • Thanks everyone. I am feeling a little bit better. I had a divorced BW friend and 2 of her kids over for a last minute cookout today.

        My kids are between the ages of 11-15. They are disappointed with their father, but still want a relationship with him. He is very emotionally detached and kind of cold, but they do love him and begged me this morning not to make them choose. I told them that I won’t, but I will confess to you all here that I really wish they would cut him out of their lives. I know it is horrible. I just think he is a terrible example in every way.

        My friend today told me that his erratic behavior lately scares her. She told me to never be alone with him and even suggested I call the police and let
        them know some of the things he has said to me. The last time we talked he told me that he hates me and hopes I drop dead so he won’t keep having to give me half of his income every month. He fluctuates between completely ignoring me and lashing out.

        In soooo may ways I am happier than I have been in years. It was a horrible marriage and I am free to live the life I choose now. But dealing with this man is such an emotional drain that somedays I feel overwhelmed with sadness and anger. No one has ever been this cruel to me. And he is the father of my kids. I chose horribly. I am moving forward and trying to forgive myself, but sometimes it is very difficult.

        • I’m with you there, Solange, on trying to forgive myself for such a terrible choice of father for my kids.

          I decided early on in the separation process to step back as much as possible from my kids’ relationship with their father, and let him work it out. I figured that if he stepped up more, that would be great for them. And if he didn’t, they’d see that for themselves, and reduce their contact with him. I’ve mostly been able to do that, although I have relented to his or my kids’ requests to ‘coach’ him through a couple of difficult situations, for my kids’ sake.

          But I also try to talk fairly honestly with them about relationship issues in general, such as the importance of watching what people do, not what they say, and of not staying in relationships (of any kind) in which you are fundamentally disrespected. Plus a continued focus on honesty, caring and respect in our relationships.

          BTW, it sounds like it might be a very good idea to have conversations w/your ex in public places. Even the front steps will likely reduce his ‘erratic’ behaviour. (Interesting how it’s often only erratic or threatening when there are no witnesses – it’s so NOT out of their control!)

          • “I’m with you there, Solange, on trying to forgive myself for such a terrible choice of father for my kids.”

            Me, too. That is the stinkiest, hot-toasted, foot-long grinder of a shit sandwich of the whol thing, for me.

  • The last time i saw STBX was in court to sign the stipulation (I will get notified of the rubber stamped ‘official’ divorce by mail). I did not think I would ever have to see him again; NC for over a year and only seeing him at court or for his deposition.
    He was outside the courthouse looking like shit. I stared him down and with a big smile said, “Too bad, I was hoping to never see you again for the rest of my life”. Last words ever.
    My boys both know I will never be in the same room with him EVER, including their weddings, if they ever have them. We are a strong family of 3.

    As far as the woman, she was actually the one who told me. I have known her for many years; she is my STBX law partner. I knocked on the door of her beach house. She came outside and we sat down. I asked her why and she said “aren’t you glad it’s me and not some 19 year old floozie?” I asked her 3 times if she loved him…no reply. I asked her how she could do this to my kids as her father did the same thing to her, her sisters and her mother? She has known my kids since childhood. She said “If you told your children, that is your problem”. I told her that in real families there are no secrets but she wouldn’t know that as she gave up having children to be the hidden woman for all these years.
    I got up and told her “Your 48 years old and this was the best that you could do. Pretty pathetic”.
    Her life definitely sucks. She is still the hidden woman and she has him to live with. I hope he marries her as she has more money and that way, he can never stop paying my maintenance.
    She gets him and I get a new life – couldn’t be a better outcome!
    My message to all is don’t worry about what to say to them. They inflicted the worst pain on you already. You will NEVER be able to hurt them as much as they already hurt you. And it doesn’t matter.
    Focus on licking your wounds, grab whatever bits of happiness you can and store those bits up, be there for your kids if you have them, make new friends, get out and build a life.
    When you are sad, its OK. Be sad for you and don’t think about them.
    You and your new life is where to put your thoughts and energy.
    Stay strong and it will happen…one day.

  • In the beginning if you try to reconcile you vilify the OW/OM, it’s transference because you can’t feel that way about your spouse if you forgiving them. This really works to the cheaters advantage. I vacillate between not caring and feeling sorry for the OW, she is going to spend the rest of her life taking care of an abusive alcoholic. My ex moved in with her as soon as I got the protective order (PO) and he was released from the hospital. Within a month he signed up for Ashly Madison and went to NY for a weekend of sex with an expensive prostitute. I would not warn her because if they broke up his attention would likely refocus on me, it’s too dangerous. In the end it doesn’t matter, last Oct she got a permanent protective order after he punched through a door in a rage (I read the docs). How he didn’t get arrested AGAIN is beyond me. 3 days before court to renew my PO she got hers dismissed and moved him back in with her. It’s unfortunate that while karma is taking care of her, he continues to do as he pleases without consequences. She knew he was married but called him her soul mate, that is a sad screwed up person right there. I still pity anyone in an abusive relationship. I am so glad he’s out of my life, in a messed up way, she did me a favor. If I met her my only comment would be “you poor thing”.

  • CL–Love your SIL’s line. Doesn’t she, as a Texan, end it with, “–bless your heart.” ??

    There’s not much to say about a thought-disordered AP. Was it Nomar or Arnold who pointed out that they don’t think like we do–so what’s the point?

    The chances of landing a zinger that makes a damned bit of difference are slim.

    I say let the fools have each other. Best revenge is walking away. Most people I know who’ve been through this tell me it’s true. The worst part is ever giving them two seconds of your time–total waste.

  • I found the ultimate slam quite by accident. Someone cornered me and I did not know what to do. I slowly turned around and began talking with someone else, with my back to the confronter. There they stood, just looking at my back.

    Being ignored is the worst thing you can do…they never get an opportunity to respond to anything you DID NOT say. She fumed and was madder than a wet hen. I win and did nothing except turn around. I never made eye contact with her again. The end.

  • Slightly off topic (um, murder instead of infidelity), and it might get you thrown in jail for terroristic threats nowadays, but the Best Revenge Confrontation Line of all time comes from Mandy Patinkin in *The Princess Bride*:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6m7NR6iYjg

    In my situation, the OM moved in with my cheating ex, into the old marital home, married her (ha!), and had my youngest son with them half the time (grrrrr). Very creepy, that feeling of having been cut-and-pasted out of my old life, but he was an IT troll who worked at home and never stuck his head out of his spider hole even to say boo in our small town. In the mean time, I re-married and flourished, just down the street.

    The cheaters moved away about a year ago. Pretty anti-climactic, actually. My sense is that most cheaters want to avoid confrontation because they are cowards, hence their inability to confront the difficult parts of real relationships and real life in general.

    • “…most cheaters want to avoid confrontation because they are cowards, hence their inability to confront the difficult parts of real relationships and real life in general.”

      DingDingDing.

      • Double ding!
        Cheaters are cowards. Things would have turned out oh so differently if they could have spoken up (or simply opened up when asked!).

        My coward exH quit his job (we worked at same place) and is leaving the country after his currently pregnant AP/soon to be wife gives birth.

    • Nomar – *Love* that scene from the Princess Bride. Thanks for sharing. I won’t be challenging the AP (or my cheating-ex) to a duel anytime soon, but this clip does remind me that I have the right to get good and mad, once in a while.

      “My sense is that most cheaters want to avoid confrontation because they are cowards” This is true. Although, I think they *like* confrontation as long as they can 100% control the narrative. When they can’t control the narrative, that’s when they lose their shit and/or retreat to people who will go along with their stories.

      • Yeah, absolutely. And that drive to “control the narrative” seems to be relentless, with kids, family, friends, whoever. Very frustrating in your moment of absolute vulnerability to have people you rely on deny your reality. Which makes places like this site so essential.

  • Every post I think that I say the same thing..thanks for this site.
    I will not run into the AP since she owned the vineyard in France we visited last year in July, 2012 as a family vacation. That is right, I said “family vacation”. I do not how he connected to her during the 2.5 days we were there. After we got home, he went back 2x.
    You know, like that crazy assed governor from SC! He found a soulmate. After I asked him to move out, he told me that he has been unfaithful several times during the 30 plus years of marriage. He said “several”. Now I am thinking dozens may be more like it. I cannot confront anyone… Do not want to go to France and throw champagne all over her. The last year has been a nightmare emotionally. At first, I decided to try R, but it is difficult to R with a 12 year old. What a needy jerk, half man, half child Peter Pan creep! H is a different man than I thought. Then, I thought we could do mediation. But H started to play games. So, now I am interviewing a cold hearted attorney. By the way, I am an attorney, very good at what I do, but I believed in my H and marriage and was much too trusting and naive. It looks like my H has outmaneuvered me emotionally. But I digress.
    Should I find out who the other women are, if I can? Will it help with my resolve?
    It has been one helluva roller coaster. Happy Fourth to all, especially veterans. I am also a veteran.

    • I actually found that I didn’t want or need any further info than the confirmation that the POS was cheating for a second time. Because then I knew who HE was (information which had been creeping into my life for years; completely self-centered, uncaring, entitled and nasty, with the ability to behave more appropriately temporarily when the kibble supply is threatented), and that was all I needed to know!

      If your resolve is wavering, it might help to know some about the multiple others. But if you’re feeling pretty firm in that resolve, it would probably just bring unnecessary pain.

  • AP came to my divorce, all dressed up and as pretty as she knew how to be. She waited in the waiting room all day and when we came out of the elevator together I noticed her sitting there trying to stare me down. I made brief eye contact, mouthed the word “Wow”, shook my head disapprovingly and then turned my attention to the clerk that was explaining where I needed to sign. I regret it. Probably gave her (and him) just what she wanted, but being blindsided I acted spontaneously.

    Later when my ex said we should go straight to the bank to straighten out financial stuff, I gestured toward her and said, “I’m not going anywhere with THAT.” Again, regretted it almost immediately, realizing it showed them that their little shenanigans can easily get to me.

    • I like that you disrespected her, anyway, Jbaby!

      What always amazes me is how utterly shameless a lot of these people are. But I guess all that entitlement and self-justification leaves them so convinced that what they’ve done is just fine ….

  • Hahaha, and then recently they showed up together to my daughter’s graduation. This was the first time my family had a chance to see her. One of my sisters blatantly held up her phone and took a pic of the OW (we were in a small room, about five feet between us) and texted it to a few people. They got so upset about that, they high tailed it out of there. That was a pretty cool trick.

  • CL, very true. I am having flashbacks of how I felt before I left my old house and moved across the country. After dday, I was panicked that I would run into the OW around town. It was likely; she lived *and* worked in the same area of town as me and we had common acquaintances. Absolutely panicked. First time in my life to experience panic attacks, btw, was right after dday. My most dreaded scenario would have been the grocery store, since I am always shopping with my two young children and am basically overwhelmed and not at my best while in the midst of a shopping trip, tending to their needs/safety and generally not feeling very put-together. At the time, I felt shame and humiliation about my husband’s affair, and the OW’s unrelenting requests for my husband to leave me (who he painted as the sexless, inadequate wife) really felt like she was plotting against me, and the prize was my life and my children. I could almost hear them (my husband and the OW) laughing at me as they planned their new life together. Argh.

    I’d read that telling off the OW usually backfires, unless the OW genuinely doesn’t know the man is married (in my case, the OW clearly did – she even knew I was pregnant!). If could have told her anything, it would have been to ask her if she knew that my husband was also sleeping with *me* the entire time, too (in effect, cheating on the OW with his wife)? But that wouldn’t have ended well. So I was at a loss as to what to do. Plus, the OW seemed to be kind of a drama queen, so I doubt I could have gotten away without a confrontation. I probably would have run from the store, groceries abandoned mid-aisle. Not very meh of me, I know, but to my credit, it was early after dday, and I was far from meh. Either way, the thought of it was more than I could take. I felt like a prisoner in my own town.

    I never ran into her. I did meet her, at the start of their affair, but I didn’t know she was the AP at the time. She knew *damn* well who I was, though. I’ll never forget how she said “hello” to me that day, at our martial home (the nerve), in a weird tone of voice, and with a cocky-head-tilt. Knowing. In hindsight, really creepy.

    A few months after dday, I realized that the more time I spent thinking about the OW, the worse I felt. So I went cold turkey. I don’t give her any mental real estate any longer, and no emotions. It’s been great for me. I highly recommend it.

    • Ugh–I know that insidious fear of worrying you’ll see her at the grocery store. It was a fear of mine.

      I recently had a revelation, that if I were to lose it in front of them, and cry or shake and get wobbly as I turned around to leave, that also was not shameful, for I did nothing wrong, and they really hurt me. I am innocent, and vulnerable, and they are aggressive and creepy people, and I react in a human way. I will not be ashamed of real emotions, even though they are vacuous, soulless, shameless.

      What a whore the OW was to you, to come to your home and act all superior. Well, you’ll have the last laugh–she now has HIM, and he has HER, and they are eacb terrible–he is not who you thought he was at all.

  • Such a great article – thanks CL!!

    The take aways for me here, were the reminder that I am the one who can hold my head high: oh, that’s RIGHT!! I *didn’t* do anything wrong! I am *not* the one shamed by the presence (…even unexpected) the OW (…plural.) I did bring my A-game! I forget about that sometimes. In fact, I brought two of them – one for me, and one for poor, overworked, damaged STBX who needed me to make it look like a shiny perfect family. It was fucking exhausting.

    …and that final zinger from the SIL is perfect, exactly what I was looking for. Thank you <3. I am wondering if this is the same SIL that wrote the kickass book you spoke about before? I see it in the bookstores and smile every time. It's on my To Buy list.

  • Yeah, just learned the OW moved to my town, great!! Now I get to ocassionally think about running into her at the gas station or grocery store, and look like a nut when I want to ( but won’t) proclaim to the entire place what a fuckin bat sh$t-crazy whore she is!! But again, completely hypothetical….

  • I guess if I did run into her I could say plenty like ….. you looked beautiful in your mug shot. Has your life changed for the better since you became a local celebrity? I bet all the cops that you were screwing are sure proud that their wives have such a clear image of you. And I bet your kids and husband are sure proud that you are so well known now especially to have your mug shot and name plastered all over the newpaper, radio, and tv!!!!! Sorry, I am just cracking myself up…. yes just as the article states the ap are pathetic. I just don’t know if I could say any of that without laughing!!! So I would probably chuckle to myself and just walk away. But it would be funnier than shit!!!

  • I have had my share of panic attacks going into our grocery store because the AP in my case lives in my neighborhood and shops at the same store that I do. It’s inevitable that I will run into her one day while I’m there and it literally gives me serious anxiety. I wonder myself of what I would say or do. In my case the AP is someone I personally knew that was involved in the youth football organization that our kids played in on the same team. She was the team mom and my stbx was the coach. He walked out on me suddenly one day during football season and it has been hell ever since. He is still seeing her and has completely shut me out. So I dread the day that I go to the store and run into her (and quite possibly him too). I keep feeling like I have had no retribution for the things that were done to me and it is a helpless feeling. I know the right thing to do is to hold my head high and not give them the power but I can’t help to feel like I haven’t gotten the chance to “get mine” so to speak. I’m so bitter and yet so broken with pain that I can’t seem to move forward. I lost not only my husband but what I thought my life was. All of our “friends” were mutual friends and have wished me well and sent me words of support but they are not those close friendships. I only have 1 true friend that I’ve known since I was 12 years old. It’s hard though because now that I would like to get out and do things as my own person, many of these people have their own established lives so it is not easy to expect them to pull me into their lives. It’s a terribly lonely life. It’s why I can’t help but to be reminded of the betrayal every moment and why I dread to see her. I don’t know if I could pull off the nonchalant cold indifference that she deserves. I keep hoping that when karma comes knocking in their door that I be allowed to witness it. I want a front-row seat for that!

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