Dear Chump Lady,
I was married in 2006, and am 46 years old. We have not had sex since June of 2009. I discovered he was cheating on me last JULY (since about fall of 2011), and we’ve been separated since then. I filed for divorce, but I was willing to take him back up until June of this year. He was verbally and emotionally abusive as well as a narcissist. My self esteem was in the gutter.
I’ve been on match.com since December and have had a handful of dates. Nothing has come of them, except good experience for me. (I was with soon-to-be-ex since 1992 on and off before marriage). Last month though a great guy contacted me. He’s overseas for work, but will be home in November and after the first week of contact, he told me he’d like to come visit me.
He’s been extremely complimentary to me and made me feel sexy again. We’ve emailed, texted, spoke on the phone three times and just last week he sexted me. I’ve let him know I find him attractive, but I played it safe when I sexted him back. I don’t want him to think I was cheap.
His sext wasn’t vulgar at all, in fact, it made me feel so good, but I waited 24 hours to get back to him. He asked me what I enjoy sexually, then proceeded to tell me how he imagined I would feel and taste as he kissed me etc. and I played it safe and said “lots” and that’s I’d give him the details later.
Then, the next day, I sent him a sext telling him I wasn’t waiting to tell him the details of what I enjoy, because he’s been driving me crazy, and proceeded to let him know what I was looking forward to when meeting him. I wasn’t vulgar or cheap, but let him know I was hot for him (I’ve told him that he’s hot in the past when referring to some pictures he’s got on match.com).
I haven’t heard back from him. I can see that he is on match a lot, so I’m sure he’s speaking to many ” sexy ladies.” That is how he refers to me. I’ve googled the crap out of him and he seems legit. His job is in the Middle East, so I know he doesn’t have much interaction with women and he basically works and sleeps and looks at match.
My question — since I haven’t heard from him since my second (or first) reply to his sext, should I not contact him again? He started to cool off his texting to me about two weeks ago. I realize he’s not got lots going on in his life. But I do know he’s looking forward to his vacation in November. Also, should I let him know that I was in a sexless marriage and I haven’t felt hot for anyone like I do for him in a long time?
I’ve let him know that he’s sexy, and that I like him, but haven’t wanted to come off like a tramp (because I’m not). But I do really like this guy, find him extremely attractive in looks and personality, and would love to do the deed with him. Can’t believe I’m saying the “deed” part ! but, man, it’s been years, and I’m selective!
Would appreciate any feedback.
Sweetie, you’re not selective. I know you’re lonely and horny, but you need to reign that in right now and get your head straight before you do any more online dating. Dude’s a player. He’s a piece of fiction. He calls EVERYONE “sexy lady” — and you can tell yourself he’s on match.com all the time. Point is, HE’S not selective. He’s just casting a wide net for kibbles.
How does someone cast a wide net for kibbles? They parse out kibbles. They tell people they barely know (a whole week, for instance) that they want to come visit them. They flatter bomb and once they’ve landed a lonely, horny chump — whoa, watch the kibbles come back! You were a good kibble score — for his brief investment, he got a woman who was willing to tell him he’s sexy, exactly how she wants him in bed, and that she’s available to meet him.
But you feel that you held yourself back? And because of your hesitation, that more of his attention is not forthcoming? Wrong impulse. He’s blowing you off because you’re one of a bunch of women he is playing this game with. And that’s all it is, a game. Maybe someone else gave better kibbles, or he’s married (very likely), or otherwise unavailable. It’s not worth it trying to untangle that skein (I know he’s very busy right now… but looking forward to his vacation...)
You need to start unraveling your own skein and do some serious work on that self esteem that was kicked in the gutter, as you put it.
Here’s a few red flags — you were willing to take your cheating, disordered ex back as recently as JUNE. Not sure what happened in June, but I don’t find it a coincidence that right after that, you’re suddenly smitten with a player online. You’re a vulnerable MESS right now. You’ve been on kibble starvation rations with your cheater, so now some other idiot throws a few kibbles at you, and you’re ready to jump into the theater of wing nut combat all over again.
Here’s another red flag — you had an “off and on” relationship with your ex for FOURTEEN YEARS before you got married. Was he married? What the heck was THAT about? I see a pattern here of chasing the unavailable.
Look, when someone sends you a mixed signal, it’s just one signal — RUN. People who aren’t all that into you, oops, but then they are — these people are fucked UP, they’re game players. If your self esteem is low, or you’ve got fucked up issues from childhood or whatever, you’ll think that’s all you deserve. You can’t imagine having someone’s full attention.
But when a healthy person is interested in you — it’s pretty clear. It builds at a pace. It progresses.
If you just want a fuck buddy (who is everybody’s friend…), fine, don’t be “selective.” But do be HONEST with yourself this is what it is, and don’t expect more. That’s very hard for a lot of people to do. And frankly, when you’ve got the kind of issues you’re describing — I don’t think you should go there. You might waste another 14 years there on a casual, messed up thing you want to become permanent. And then when it does — guess what? It sucks.
Go get some therapy, and get clear in your head what you want next. How about some alone time to heal? A nice collection of vibrators? Figure out healthy boundaries, shore up that self esteem, and then pounce on the first nice man deserving of all your pent up sexuality. Please don’t waste it on that player idiot.