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Oops, I Slept With Your Boyfriend

Last post we were discussing why not to compare yourself to the other person. If you need any more help in that department, I invite you to read this execrable piece of dryer lint entitled “Oops, I Slept with Your Boyfriend” by Charlie Nox on HuffPo.

Nox is a “boutique sex and dating coach.” Interesting job title choice. Boutique? Go all the way, Charlie, on the douchey over sell. Why not “bespoke sex”? — I think that sounds classier. Artisan, free-range, pastured sex with dovetailed joints. All you peasants who only do Costco sex, you generic, big-box store sorts of daters — you’re Doing It All Wrong. Trade up. Go boutique, you losers.

Because a woman who writes a very public article that she’ll sleep with just about anyone, including her friend’s boyfriends, is exactly the sort of exclusive service provider you want.

Oh, why do I give these people attention? I don’t know. Because they’re freaks. Because a look inside this woman’s head tells you exactly what sort of pathetic attention monger (mongrel) you’re dealing with. To wit:

The few times I’ve found myself the mistress, we have had deep, real, meaningful conversations about their relationships and their commitments, their heart and their body. I encourage them to honor their commitments if that feels good to them. And sometimes it does. And sometimes it doesn’t.

You see, it’s all very complicated. It’s “raw.” Morality shouldn’t be so black and white. It’s fuzzy, (like dryer lint). Maybe she’ll feel like sleeping with your boyfriend, maybe she won’t. But she’s not ruling it out. It’s really up to your boyfriend. She’s not “policing anyone’s morals.”

Relationships are complicated; and emotions and promises and sex and bodies are complicated. I don’t think it’s possible to make absolute rules. I know that in the messy, real, rawness of life, what sounds clear in theory gets muddled in practice.

God, don’t you want dating advice from a muddled person? But it’s a boutique kind of muddled. Act now. Show her a picture of your partner. Maybe you and Charlie can have something messy and real.

But only if that feels good to you.

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  • Wait…what? She coaches people on how to sleep around? People need help with that? And she makes money this way? I need to re-think my career choice because I’m clearly working too hard.

    You made me laugh, as usual, ChumpLady.

    • Unbelievable money making job.

      I am totally going to sue my high school guidance counselor. (if she’s still alive)

    • I have a feeling she printed up some free business cards and that’s how she’s “official” at this “job.”. Probably calls herself the “CEO” of her own company on those business cards, too.

  • She is not “policing anyone’s morals” – including her own. Must be so nice to live in her head with all the confetti and balloons and glitter. Life is such a party when one doesn’t have to worry about those bothersome morals.

  • oh gawd… dating advice from a sociopath. I couldn’t even finish her suppurating diatribe.

    “My lovers have been in complicated relationships that are basically over but they can’t break up, and they are exhausted and need the kind of nurturing that you can only get when you are getting ridden hard and kissed passionately.”

    “But for me, there are times — few and far between — where my body (not my libido, but my body wisdom… my gut) says that this connection is right and good and sacred. And when that happens, I pursue it. I pursue it with clarity, consciousness, and purpose. I never excuse what happened, or apologize for it either.”

    It was like driving down the free-way… you see the flashing lights and hear the sirens and then the mangled wreck and you just can-not look away— at first, but its simply too gruesome to stay there; what a pathetic, very, very sad creature.

    Can you just see her at 85 hitting on other women’s men? riding them fast and hard.

  • “Morality shouldn’t be so black and white. It’s fuzzy, (like dryer lint)”

    Once again CL, you have me in stitches !!!!

  • This is my favorite (for real) excerpt on her blog:

    “I had breakfast with a gorgeous couple I was dating – sex therapists who’s literal job it is to teach women how to orgasm. They are very good at their job. I left their house that morning, armed with left over gluten free pancakes…”

    Threesomes and gluten free pancakes. Doesn’t get edgier than that.

    • I found the post (by googling the quote) and she said that she took the gluten free pancakes and had breakfast with her boyfriend and then had another threesome that very same night after she confessed to her BF that she had a crush on a friend of his and he was into giving her everything she wanted.

      I guess it was “field work?”

      mind blowing sex? connection? passion?

      sure. and HPV, vaginal warts and herpes. good times.

    • That is so weird. Like you can have whatever you want when it comes to sex, but you have to deprive yourself when you eat.

  • Who would want to fuck someone so into themselves? Why doesn’t she just squat over a mirror and diddle herself? Yuck. Sociopathic freak. I almost feel sorry for her. She is pathetic.

  • I was likewise completely appalled by her column. There are so many dreadful points in it, though i will just share the 2 that I found most despicable:

    1. She says, “the few times I’ve found myself the mistress… I encourage [my cheating lovers] to honor their commitments if that feels good to them. And sometimes it does. And sometimes it doesn’t.”

    Um, hello, isn’t this why humans have brains? So that we can rise above our baser impulses, consider others’ feelings, and do the right thing? If we all just go around doing what “feels good” all the time, we devolve into a grownup version of Lord of the Flies or something even worse.

    And also, is this how the author handles moral questions in general? Would she say, “I encourage my lovers to commit murder if that feels good to them. And sometimes it does. And sometimes it doesn’t.” Because thats what cheating is, a moral issue. Clearly, this woman is the very definition of a hypocrite — someone who only follows her own “rules” when it’s convenient.

    2. The author states, “there are a whole set of promises and agreements between me and my friends… about caring for each other, [etc]… If I thought my friend would be upset, I suspect I wouldn’t [fuck her boyfriend].”

    Hmm, ok, so the promises and agreements between her and her friends matter (somewhat), but the legal, social, spiritual, emotional, and financial promises/agreements of marriage don’t? Also, who doesn’t get upset when their friend screws their boyfriend? That seems like a no-brainer.

    And finally, she’ll think twice about having sex with her friend’s boyfriend, but no problem if it’s someone else’s boyfriend…? So obviously she knows she’s doing something hurtful and wrong, or she wouldn’t spare her friends, yet she’s perfectly ok with hurting and wronging another human being? I guess that as long as she’s not close enough to have to see the damage, she’s ok with it. Reminds me of the social experiment where people were asked to push a button, which they were told would send an almost fatal electrical shock to someone in the next room. People were ok with destroying another person, as long as they didn’t have to witness the pain and devastation they caused. Obviously, this woman is despicably selfish, cowardly, and downright evil. Amazing how some people have no shame.

    • that’s the part that stuck out to me too Sunshine. She wouldn’t want to upset her friends, likely because she doesn’t want to loose them, but could care less about someone she doesn’t know. That’s not ethics, that is selfish.

  • **She’s not “policing anyone’s morals.”**

    She wouldn’t recognise morals if they hit her in the arse.

  • I didn’t think I was all that old but it’s becoming increasingly clear that this world has left me behind. I find myself liking it less and less every single day.

  • My friend slept with my husband. Actually, two of them did. Oddly, I am no longer friends with them. Ex thinks I’m unreasonable for throwing away one of the friendships since it was so long and they say they didnt’ actually fuck, just ‘messed around’. His thinking is always rather jaw dropping.

    • My WH fucked and got BJ’s from my neighbor, and THEN tried to say that me and her were friends, tried to bring her around to hang out, and and talked about what a sweet compassionate person she was! I swear she could have written this article! She acts like she is nicer than anyone, and so above us mortals who don’t ‘get’ her fuzzy thinking!
      Yes, Shitforbrains, that’s why my beautiful son is in in therapy now, because of all the kindness you showered on our family! Yay!

  • Oh, I see how this game is played! The Other Man wasn’t fucking my wife behind my back; he was “curating her labia.” Much more sophisticated. So I can’t criticize. Gawd I’m a rube.

  • So Charlie Nox says:

    “But for me, there are times — few and far between — where my body (not my libido, but my body wisdom… my gut) says that this connection is right and good and sacred. And when that happens, I pursue it. I pursue it with clarity, consciousness, and purpose. I never excuse what happened, or apologize for it either.”

    To me this is just another way of paraphrasing Dr George Simon’s catchfrase:
    “It’s not that I don’t see, I just don’t agree.”

    Well, then why does she bother explaning her inner workings to the public in colums at all?

  • Comment on HuffPo: she sleeps around because she can’t get any one man to stick around.

    Pretty much says it all…

  • Well, I must be one extremely boring person. It seems that cheating is not only, for some people, a not so terrible thing.

    It rocks. It’s to be admired. Let’s make a funky little industry out of it. I’m so cute, and clever, and fuck my clients. Or cheat with one of them , and cheat on the other, if I read it right. And it’s all so cool, and I’m so clever, I’m going to write on HuffPo about it………………………Unf#&*inf believable!!

    And the most pathetic part of it, she’s having success. Are there really that many dumbass’s out there, that they pay money for airhead, bimbo, cheating advice? seriously?

    Okay, getting off soapbox now.

  • Um, didn’t we try this before, a few decades ago?

    It was called “Free Love” and everyone was doing it. And bragging about it. And then we all realized it doesn’t work. Oops, I slept with your boyfriend became “oops, I got herpes” and “oops, I lost all my friends cause it actually did hurt their feelings when I slept with their husbands” and “oops, I don’t like it when my friend sleeps with *my* husband, cause it’s actually kindof painful”….and many, many other “oopses”.

    This is not new. It’s old. Really old.

    Her column smacks of “Look! I’m easy! I’ll sleep with anyone!” I’m sure her phone will be ringing off the hook with guys who want a guaranteed lay tonight, without having to work for it, or *pay* for it (much better than a hooker, right?). Hey guys (and girls), she’s free. But nothing says *ick* more than “wow, everyone on the block has slept with her….and now I have, too, within one day of knowing her”. Ick. Moving on.

    • You know, I do wonder that if non-monogamous relationships were so much better, then why haven’t they become the primary structure today? People whine about how monogamy is unnatural, that we were programmed to want several partners, yet we still stick with that darn, old-fashioned monogamy concept. I wonder why… maybe because it actually works better? Is less confusing? Is actually more appealing to people even if they don’t want to admit it? Why do we bother with the monogamous relationship when we want to cheat? Why don’t more people stay single and do whatever they want with whomever they want? For some reason, we keep entering into what are supposed to be exclusive relationships, but yet, people rail against them, cheat, say monogamy is unnatural, etc.

      I guess it’s all about cake eating and narcissism. Otherwise, I don’t get it, not in this day and age.

      • I agree. I always hate the argument that monogamy is unnatural.

        It’s part of human nature to want a faithful partner and to get mad if someone cheats on us.

        It’s part of human nature to have brains and the ability to control our behavior to get what we want.

        It’s part of human nature to feel empathy for other people and not want to hurt the ones we love.

  • Most gag worthy to me: “The few times I’ve found myself with a man who has a girlfriend, it has felt like an exception, a special moment outside normal rules.” and “But for me, there are times — few and far between — where my body (not my libido, but my body wisdom… my gut) says that this connection is right and good and sacred.”

    Her entire article boils down to just another long winded excuse for breaking the social contract without feeling guilty about it. Gotta hand it to her for making up a word for it, “body wisdom”. Seriously? That’s what most of us call “pants feelings” or lust but hey maybe if you make it sound Buddhist you can pretend it’s something spiritual.

    • I am having a difficult time trying to fathom anyone taking the time to pen an article wherein they basically state, “I have a magical vagina to go along with my mystical thinking. If you believe me, pay me money to teach you the wonders of mystical thinking and how to create a magical vagina.”

      Seriously? A dating coach? How does that stack up next to a track coach or a football coach? How long are “practices?” Is there homework? Does she provide tutors if you’re slow to catch on?

      Ho-Bags are nothing if not creative about being Ho-Bags.

  • Perfect example of a sociopath attempting to normalize sociopathic behavior. I would like to see a follow up in ten years, about her sitting alone, ordering pizza just to seduce the delivery boy.
    Is that her real name? Is she is so proud, she should sign it. You know, live your credo. See what happens.

  • After checking out her article on Huff Post and her website, simply put Charlie Nox is OBNOXIOUS! What a waste of time and energy! Not worth the words written about her. End of subject.

  • CL, after reading her ‘awful’ HuffPo blog post, all I can say is you MUST draw a new cartoon: Charlie Nox = ‘Queen’ of Word Salad.

  • This column (if by column you mean the rantings of a narcissistic lunatic) could be much shorter. To wit:

    “I have little to no conscience, integrity, character, scruples or morals. I will fuck anything that moves if it moves me, including the husband or boyfriend of a friend. I am the ultimate Ho-Bag. That is all.”

  • The fact that this woman is a “dating coach” made me think about my ex, who for quite some time was on a local radio station show as a “relationship expert.” He was giving advice on dating, being a single parent, financial issues in relationships, communication skills and relating to women. I’ve written more than enough about my ex, can you imagine anyone LESS qualified for the position?

    The Oops woman is a village bicycle. Everyone has had a ride. Why any man would want to sleep with her and her sloppy seconds is beyond me.

  • There are twat trolls under every rock. Whatever. This one happens to be articulate.

    Any man who would get with this obvious train wreck is not a man I’d want anyway.

    If there is one thing this whole experience has taught me, it’s this: I don’t need a coward sleeping next to me in bed.

    But, oh, how I relish a real man.

  • My god. This chick lives at the corner of Denial and Rationalization. I’m actually glad she’s putting this out there, maybe some guy will read it and know to stay away from her. Never KNOWINGLY stick your dick in crazy, fellas. Her article is practically a public service announcement.

  • “….we have had deep, real, meaningful conversations about their relationships and their commitments,…..” um, no you don’t. Trust me, you are not getting the full version of the truth. My future ex told his OW that he was in fact working on getting divorced, that we’d been broken for a long time and that it was just a slow process because we had a kid. The truth is that the future ex never once said he was unhappy, but instead always accused me of being unhappy, dropped this bombshell of not wanting to be married anymore (at that moment in time, together for 22 years, married for 11), then instead of being a man and ending the marriage, he has the affair that lasts 9 months – all the whole time he KNEW i suspected because i’d call him out on it, he watched me falling appart, trying to hold the marriage together, could see what he was doing was killing me, never stopped what he was doing, lied to me every single day, had chance after chance to do the right thing but instead strung me along and sucked the life out of me.

    Not very sexy is it?

    • We have similar stories, but by the time I found out about the first affair(ten years later) he had two more affairs. All that time I thought there was something wrong with me because nothing added up. It’s soul crushing.

      • I think that’s the hardest part — thinking for years there’s something wrong with you. Trying so hard to figure out what’s wrong…

  • Like so many others have said before, there must be a cheater’s handbook that they ALL use. Your ex mirrors my ex, Chrissybob. I literally was on the floor sobbing one day and you know what he did? He literally stepped over me and walked out the door. It was THAT very moment that I knew that he was just a horrible person at his core. They don’t care if you are falling apart, they just don’t.

  • My god, she talks like her twat is special. More special than anyone else’s. Don’t you know, sex for her is magical and spiritual? Not like the poor muggle sex the rest of us have.

    Gag.

  • Her vajayjay hosts a viliage, just last week a guy from her past just slipped out, he’d been missing for years and is now reunited with his family.

  • In case you’re interested, here’s a video of Charlie Nox giving . . . [wait for it] . . . DATING ADVICE!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OHu217d7MU

    She has tattoos! She takes artsy double-exposure pictures! She attends SXSW! She has “passions”!

    [insert your own jokes about cheater who takes “two-timing” photos here]

    Okay, now I’m going to go look for a video of Miley Cyrus giving ballroom dancing tips. . . .

  • I don’t understand what you’re all unclear about. My wife didn’t cheat. She tripped and fell on his dick. That’s the only way I could justify it!?

  • Unless……she’s a brilliant writer of satire. Seriously – how COULD this be real?
    Anyone a fan of the faux video star “Miranda Sings?” This is what this reminds me of. So outrageous it can’t possibly be for real.

    Can it?

  • This woman is so brilliant, she’s discovered the art of bottom-feeding.

    She’s used to rejection, so she’s embraced it. She hooks up with men and women who don’t actually care about her, then proclaims herself an expert. The thing is, getting sex is easy, particularly if you skip the vetting process. Poaching partners is soooooo easy, even she can do it.

    Because for every twat troll like her, there are countless cheaters eager and willing to hook up with any of them. They’re all the same, just bits and pieces in a busy life.

    True love? Meaningful relationships with people who actually have souls? Not so much. That’s a very lonely existence.

    Now we know. They are everywhere. I want nothing to do with these sickos. Let them have each other.

  • Still I’d liked Charlie to elaborate a little bit more about that ‘body wisdom’ thing. I ‘d love to learn how to differentiate between plain old libido and that body wisdom thing, but I feel she left us little clues about how and where to find your body wisdom.

    • I’m sure she would elaborate for a small fee or a roll in the hay 🙂

      I would skip the talk and go straight for the sex though. I’d fuck her to get out of listening to her prattle and I’m straight 🙂

  • I have to give her credit for one thing…she’s the first person who made me feel good about getting cheated on.

    I mean, seriously, if this is how cheaters go about rationalizing their behavior, they are just clueless people. They are idiots and the more they talk about it, the more idiotic they become.

    Cheating is the only race you lose just by entering. Thx Charlie for the insight!

    • You know, I think most of them (I would hope), would be too embarrassed to go about rationalizing their behavior, let alone have the flaming gall to write a HuffPo essay about their affairs.

      I don’t want to shame her for her sex life — if she wants to sleep around with available people — FINE. It’s the coy “oops” I slept with your boyfriend crap. Nanner nanner, I can seduce him and take him from you, narcissistic, bleating that makes me want to slap her. It’s vile. Utterly without empathy. Remorseless.

      It’s not that she’s “slutty” — it’s that she’s self-absorbed and doesn’t care who she hurts. And wants to make a VIRTUE of that.

      • It has nothing to do with someone’s sex life, if both are single and willing. But once your talking about cheating,the sex is the least of it. Once the smoke clears, a cheater has just shit on their spouse and kids (if applicable). What kind of person does that?
        And the AP, if they too have knowledge of the family, also has just the same.

        I’m all for individuality and agency, but these concepts are meaningless without honor, commitment, integrity, loyalty, and honesty. So, too me, I think there is nothing really to say to a cheater unless they are truly contrite and remorseful. Otherwise, it’s just a waste of time.

  • So looking at Nox’s bio, I thinks she’s more of a sex surrogate than a dating coach. She counsels people with issues like being a virgin or not being able to have orgasms. (Sex surrogates are people who work with sex therapists and have sex with clients who are single.)

  • Oh and she has a book coming out. That’s probably why she blogged.

    The funny thing is she actually has turned me off enough that I would not read her book, although I might have otherwise.

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