When a cattle brand just won’t do. Introducing the “Anti-Cheating Ring”! Saw this tidbit on HuffPo. Apparently, there’s a new wedding ring made from titanium (the strongest metal on earth!) that has an embossed inside, so when you wear it, it leaves an impression in your skin that spells “MARRIED.”
Yeah, that’s going to scare off the fuckbuddies. I can see the bar scene now. The sales and marketing rep takes off his wedding ring, as the young floozy sidles up to him. As they’re enjoying a cocktail and some heavy petting, suddenly she recoils in horror: “You have a blotchy indention on your ring finger! OMG, I think it says MARRIED! Do you have a wife?!”
“No, no! Allergic reaction. Rashes often appear as alphabets. It’s a like Rohrschach test, really. You’re seeing what you want to see. For you it’s letters. Other people see clouds, animals, or the face of Jesus. I see a rash. I’m allergic to titanium.”
The floozy, confused, “Oh, okay. Well I guess it’s alright then…” They retire to his hotel room.
I mean really. Who would buy such a thing? Why not a chastity belt? Or GPS chip implant under their skin? Or a forehead tattoo? Nothing says romance like “I don’t trust you as far as I could throw you.”
I have so many questions. Is this for your recommitment ceremony or your original marriage? Does it come with a diamond setting? Can you get other engravings to spell other things like “BEWARE I cheat”?
Of course, rings are only as powerful as the people who wear them. They don’t impart any powers of faithfulness. Most people are fully cognizant of each other’s marital status when they screw around. And to the unwitting affair partners out there — the cheater has several wedding ring work arounds. Bandaids, the glove compartment, mittens… If there is a will there’s a way.
The existence of “Anti-Cheating Wedding Rings” tells me one thing — hopium still sells. In titanium, for $550.