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And the winner of the Meh mug is….

state_of_meh_mugYou all made this VERY difficult.

When I asked for your best resentments, I had no idea the depth of suckitude out there. Oh, I read my mail. I know cheaters suck — but who knew there were so many flamboyantly disordered idiots in the world? I once defined sociopathy as stepping over your sobbing body after DDay and microwaving a Hot Pocket. I need to expand that definition to “while you were birthing their child,” “while you were caring for their sick mother,” “while you were supporting their ass through graduate school,” “while you were paternity testing your children,” and “while you were facing a cancer diagnosis.”

Geezus.

You all deserve a meh mug. Every one of you. Or really, trophies with “SURVIVOR” prominently engraved on platinum.

“Your Best Resentments” hit the all time high for comments at 467 (at present). So imagine the difficulty here trying to choose. When I originally posted the challenge, I was looking for not only horror, but absurdity. The chump’s hand sewn frock coat to the cheater’s Mozart. Many of you knocked it out of the park on horror — the miscarried babies, the child labor that Was Very Inconvenient especially tugged at my heart strings. But to win the mug, I narrowed the focus to nightmare with comedic absurdity, so the winning entry was SummerGirl!

SummerGirl and her daughter rush her very ill mother to the hospital, when they later have a surreal encounter.

I held my mom’s hand for three hours as all the doctors and nurses came and went, wondering if she’d last the night.

After leaving the hospital, exhausted – my daughter and I went to a local coffee shop downtown. I saw a familiar shirt walk by outside the front window.

It was my husband on a date with another woman, walking down the street. I went out and confronted him. He tried to lie. The woman, bless her heart, walked over, shook my hand and asked how I knew this man. As we stood there shoulder to shoulder, hands clasped, she explained he was actively involved on a dating site and had strongly pursued her for three months. It was their first date.

Of course, he had lied about everything to her. Said he was single, no kids – he even lied about his first name.

Totally f*g surreal just standing there shaking that woman’s hand as we stood side by side, staring at this unbelievable lying a*hole, while my mother was lying up in a hospital. We both left in opposite directions after that. He went chasing after her (big surprise.)

Oh, and to top it off: this all happened just a couple of days before Mother’s Day.

A close second on the absurdity was CHAR’s husband who, while in supposed reconciliation, left on a conference with the OW. When confronted he said while the OW was attending seminars, he was actually thinking deeply of ways he could improve their marriage.

Insane, but didn’t quite take the biscuit of the dying mother, cheating husband out on date, surprise encounter trifecta. So SummerGirl — you’re the winner.

If the rest of you feel robbed, and I imagine you do — and you still want a meh mug, you can support the blog by purchasing one here. If that seems grossly unfair, and shamelessly commercial of me, apologies, please add me to your resentments.

This week, I’ve not only been gobsmacked by the shit you’ve all endured, but the kickass ways you’ve overcome. If you need an antidote to the blues, please read and reread all the posts at What Have You Done for You Lately? You guys are amazing. Thanks for sharing your stories, and especially your support for your fellow chumps.

Now get out there and Chernobyl those memories and attain meh!

Your friend,

Chump Lady

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  • Kudos SummerGirl! I wonder how you endured the double-trouble that day and days after that! These guys should be sent to hell and boiled in oil…:)

    CL, we do understand your difficulty in selecting the winner. 467 lists of years of resentments…just so much heart-pain involved!

  • Honestly…not being chosen is a blessing in disguise…..it means that your sitaution wasn’t the worst…….not that i would wish anything i read on ANYBODY……but it’s something…….

      • Not really…..and sadly I just scratched the surface…but I am out over 2.5 years now and getting closer to MEH every day….words cannot EVER thank you enough Chump Lady………….for creating this space to finally figure out we weren’t alone nor were we crazy.

  • Perfect selection, CL. To SummerGirl and all of us chumps who are surviving the pain and agony of having been married to cheating, lying, less that useless assmunches…fuck them that brought it on and the horses they all rode in on.

  • I am SO thrilled to have come in second – SUMMERGIRL is a totally deserving winner – the Triple Crown of absurdist scenarios!

    I guess it sounds weird to be happy that tales of pain in our lives get us a win or place in a contest…..but maybe that’s getting a bit of our own back, somehow. Maybe by utilizing what these incredible narcissistic wastes of human skin have inflicted on us to win a prize, we diminish all the more their power over us. Instead of S/NPDs using us – we chumps are rising up and using them! I love that concept!!

  • LOL – “I wuz robbed” by virtue of already surpassing my “meh” milestone and not even wanting to go back and recount the insanity 😉

    Just kidding. It’s good to not give a crap about that weirdness. Thank Goodness for selective memory and moving on 🙂

    Onward and upward!

    • You have touched on something I’ve been wondering lately. I am noticing a handfull of people on this site who have gone thru this insanity years ago but still come here and contribute very actively. So, is this because they have not reached Meh yet, even though they state otherwise, or is it because they feel they can help others, is it a combination of both, or is it something else…

      • Can’t speak for anybody else, and it hasn’t been years for me, so I can’t even speak to that. Sorry.

        Really, five months ago I finally finished the divorce process and got my ex to come get most of her stuff.

        I’m definitely past “meh” , and other than recalling the generalities of the whole gosh-danged experience, I’d have to work at trying to recall any particular thought or emotion, so to me… that’s past “meh” in that I’m not really looking back anymore than saying “I attended the University of… ” while describing my educational background involves really remembering the particulars of that decades ago 🙂

        I’m not much of a backward-looker though (or to use more technical terms, my time perspective is more present-hedonic/future positive than anything, and just a tad bit of past-positive, and a very minuscule past-negative).

        Now, there were months of being traumatized and feeling disconnected (see there, generality), but that faded, and somehow without me noticing how or why, it was just over one day.

        All I know is that in the beginning I did all sorts of things like reading books by the Dalai Lama, read “The Power of Habit”, and so on. I was searching for a way back then. But… I just started walking my dogs twice a day, that became a routine, and pretty soon I had other routines, and then pretty soon I was pursuing things that interested me.

        Now, posting here became something of a habit in that period too, and there was a time I worried that would keep me anchored and not making progress, but I don’t worry so much about that anymore because … well, I am just not really re-living that business at any deep emotional level anymore.

        So part of it is probably habit. Part of it–at this point–is just the desire to share “You can do this, and life is going to be Good!” with others who are traumatized, but I get where you are coming from; I can see how compulsively re-living the experience could keep somebody traumatized.

        Will I always post here or stop soon? I suppose if life gets hectic, I might forget to post here 😉 Who knows? Does it matter?

        You can do this. Life is going to be good 🙂

        • Thanks for the encouragement, Timeheals. I can remember when my ex first left I kept wondering how other people handled the cheating/abandonment trauma. I wanted to find a book that told “how the story ends” for others who’ve experienced this. At the time I thought it might give me hope. Now I just wish I’d found this site sooner.

          My ex and I were together 36 years. I’m pretty much at meh, but there are still times between sleeping and waking that I feel a little stab of grief. It’s only been a couple of years since he walked out, so I think it will get better. Time really does heal.

      • I am still in the divorce process but I hope to contribute after I have reached “meh”. We are part of a tribe. If there is anything I can do to support and comfort any of the other members of the tribe, I am happy to do it. Again, I cannot express how sanity-saving it has been to read the many comments. Always, always found something that helped me on this journey. If I can be of any help, I want to be.

      • AHA, Most of the time I’m pretty “Meh” but I feel a real connection here. Being manipulated, lied to, the gaslighting etc.etc. is a pretty lonely experience and I can’t even begin to tell you how everyone jumped in for me when I found this site.
        I still try to come here to buck myself up, but most of all to be supportive. I usually don’t comment much because there are SO many more people now than there were when I started..
        Oh, and for anyone new, I highly recommend you save all of your comments and the comments back to you. Reading back over them even a few months later is really encouraging! Love Ya’ll! XO

      • AHA –

        I come here because I do like reading the perspectives CL has… not just about the infidelity but on moving on and even dating, etc. And the experiences everyone shares here help validate my experience – since almost no one I know personally has gone through infidelity (that I know of). I had a support group I went to, but that was mostly geared toward staying together and by the time I got up the guts to go to a meeting, I had just left my ex. Which was probably a blessing in disguise.

        I come here because I like to share my story as it relates to the topic CL addresses… sometimes to help me work through some stuff for myself, sometimes to help others. I want to encourage people that they deserve more if they are still with a cheater who is not taking responsibility – ie. 99.9% of them. (which is the reason I pretty much stopped going to the support group – I had a hard time keeping my mouth shut on that point).

        Soon after dday and maybe even more so after I kicked my ex out, I was interested in reading all kinds of self help books and books on marriage, and just THINKING about integrity, morals, etc. A LOT, but the time I devote to thinking about that has declined recently. However, I will always have strong beliefs on these topics thanks to living through this. I don’t post here quite as much as before, but I still check it everyday.

        I would like to think 1-2 or even 5 years down the road I would still come by and hopefully post as well. Maybe not as frequently, but come by just the same. I think we have a bond from experiencing infidelity and from the fact that we relate to CL and her views on it. We understand each other on dealing with infidelity in a way that even my best friend cannot.

      • My divorce has been final 1.5 years and I am nowhere near meh, much as I’d like to be there. I get angry at myself for not being over this already, even though my therapist tells me I’m doing well. I find it very helpful to read the stories here. I do hope I can help others as well.

      • I first started coming here because it felt like a safe place to finally vent EVERYTHING to people who completely, 100% UNDERSTAND what I went through.

        Sure, I had people to talk to about it. A close friend here and there, my now husband, but even when talking to them, I sometimes felt like I was chewing their ears off. I still didn’t feel like I’d completely reached my “meh” yet. That there were things they felt sorry for me for, but didn’t really understand the full spectrum of my feelings because they had never experienced being cheated on, let alone some of the completely outrageous things that my ex had done. Hell, some of my friends are also HIS friends and they believe HIM, or at least get his bullshit narrative and are stuck in the middle.

        So even though I had people to talk to, to some degree, I never felt like I had really gotten it all out.

        Plus for a while my ex was internet stalking me and a few times he would see what I was trying to vent about on other forums to friends (internet friends, but ones that I had known for 6+ years) and I never knew when he was going to pop up and start drama on any of my forum profiles or what have you. I never felt like I had a truly “safe” space to vent.

        On one hand, I sometimes felt like I was annoying my friends with my venting, on the other, he might be lurking and watching.

        Then I found CL.

        And not only do I fully believe he hasn’t seen this page (why would he?) so I can actually talk about everything I emotionally stuffed down, but there are people who UNDERSTAND. People who aren’t just going to pat me on the shoulder and tell me he’s an asshole, as if I didn’t already know that. But people who have not only been cheated on, but who share similar experiences of dealing with the outright irrationality, complete lack of all logic, and egos the size of Africa that comes out of these narcs. And the people here understand that our exes, even if they aren’t diagnosed NPD, they are extremely selfish and full of themselves.

        And one of the best parts of CL is when I started posting here, and when I read the advice and the other comments, I felt like I wouldn’t be BLAMED for being stuck with him. We don’t blame each other for the pain we suffered. We all understand that these creeps “sparkle” and even the most kind-hearted, and strong-minded of people can be taken in by these narcs. We all understand how hard it is to get out too.

        I’ve reached my “Meh.” But now I keep coming back to give support to others. I may have been out of my relationship with my ex for *counts on fingers…* almost 5 years (give or take a few months) but there are others here who are fresh out of DDay, or are still struggling with leaving, still in those early stages of pain and emotional turmoil, and all that confusion of “Why did this happen to ME?!” I want to be there for those people to help them out of that hole and tell them that there IS a better life beyond this suffering, and that this is a whole community of people who GET IT.

      • There were people whose stories we read on the long road to that Tuesday.

        Some of us figure that by writing about our experiences, it may help someone else that feels like no on can really understand where they are.

  • I’d like to offer congratulations, but argh! Seeing what fellow chukickmplings have been through is just astounding!

    I know that the motto is “Leave a cheater, gain a life,” but I vote for a “Gained a life” t-shirt. Even if not everyone has reached “meh,” it sounds as if everyone’s life is sooo much better now.

  • SummerGirl was a fabulous choice, although in the halls of pain fame selection, I don’t know that fabulous is the best word choice. I don’t feel cheated at all. I actually feel honored to be part of a group of truly kick-ass people. In fact, even with the all horror I have yet to share with my fellow Chumps, I realized that we have all experienced so many levels of hell and survived, that even Dante Alighieri would be in awe. However, a critically ill mother and running into your H on a date with his OW at the same time right before Mother’s day qualifies SummerGirl as not only a Chump Hall of Famer, but a Nobel Prize winner for horror and absurdity as well.

    I have truly been inspired by the stories of strength and fortitude in the face of so much pain and anguish and I want to thank Chump Lady and everyone on this site (in addition to my support in RL) for having kept me from a complete breakdown (so far) and you have given me the support and healthy perspective I needed when I needed it most, as I have navigated this break up, pending divorce and constant assault from my Covert NPD STBX Abuser and his Overt NPD Ho-Bag (not to mention my Classic NPD MIL). One of the best things that has happened during this time is to find this site. Sometimes I believe it may have saved my life, not just my sanity.

    Thanks you fellow Chumps. Onward and Upward!

  • Congrats to SummerGirl! So sorry it happened, though! I understood the criteria for the entry, but felt I had to choose the story that honored my Step-daughters and not the absurdity. I would like to tell my absurd story, though. I’M the absurd person in the story. I was so, so far away from MEH….
    I asked my Ex for divorce in Oct. 2012 because he had been going to massage parlors for 4 years behind my back and squandering 10’s of thousands of dollars. Additionally, he had been having emotional affairs with several “women friends”. (More, I’m sure, but this is just what I know…)
    One woman friend in particular was someone he had worked with for several years that had moved away, but came back to town frequently to visit family and friends on holidays. During our “Reconciliation” I asked him to cut off contact with her, remove her from FB, etc. He did this only after a fellow member of his Sexaholics Anonymous group pointed out that “it doesn’t need to be forever, man. Just until you get things sorted out.” Only THEN could he conceive of putting their “friendship” on hiatus.
    When we discussed getting divorced I asked for one thing from a personal standpoint. I said, “I know you are going to run right out a “Re-Friend” TM, but if you could just have enough grace to wait until our divorce is final before you start something with her I would appreciate it and for the sake of the girls. He said “Of course”. Then ran right out and reconnected right away. Fast forward 2 months to Christmas 2012 and he has cut off all contact between me and my step-daughters, so I go north to spend Christmas with my family. As I’ve mentioned recently, I took the Great Dane with me when I moved out, but the girls still loved the dog so the Ex agreed to care for the dog while I was away and I was happy to have the girls with the dog. I was supposed to return the afternoon of New Years Eve, but my flight was delayed due to weather. I texted the ex to let him know and he said not to worry he would keep the dog until the next day, January 1st, and I could come pick her up after noon time. My flight got in earlier than we all expected and I asked to come over and get the dog – he said “let’s just keep it at tomorrow”.
    Here is where the absurdity begins. at 5:30AM on New Year’s Day I wake up with a bolt to the CERTAIN knowledge that TM was at that moment sleeping in what used to be my bed, with who was still (technically) my husband… WITH MY DOG WATCHING.
    I was about to crawl out of my skin. I got up, I paced, I called people in other time zones. I could not settle down knowing that they were doing… whatever, WITH MY DOG WATCHING! That this woman had had her hands on MY DOG (Fuck the husband – I’d already decided she could have him, I guess) So, I get in my car at 6AM and drive across town to find her car parked in front of my old house. (HOW did I KNOW this? Out of a dead sleep??) Anyway, although I still had a key to the house, I thought, this is crazy, go home. So I did. An hour later, I could not take it any longer, so I texted Ex and said something came up and I was going to need to come by and get the dog earlier than planned. I could tell that he had not read this message and 30 mins later I texted again, apologizing that I might surprise him, but was going to be swinging by to get dog. And I got in my car and drove there a second time. I pulled over at the end of the street still seeing her car there and said to myself, “Holy crap, are you really going to do this? Are you going to walk in there and see them and cause this ruckus just to get your dog? Uh, yup, yes I am.” So I drove forward, pulled into the driveway, the dog recognized the sound of my car so was at the kitchen door all a-waggle and I thought… “Oh good, all I really have to do is open the door, get the dog out and go, they might never even know I was there.” But… that’s not what happened. Just as I opened the door the ex comes around the corner all bleary-eyed, sees me and is incredulous. He starts yelling at me (quietly so as not to disturb TM) and I calmly say to him I know who’s here, I am just here to get my dog and go. Meanwhile, the Great Dane is ecstatic to see me and is literally leaping up and down in between us, her whole 130 lb body wiggling with excitement. He just keeps exclaiming he can’t believe I’m doing this, I calmly reply I understand, it’s been pretty difficult to believe quite a few of the things that he’s been doing, too. The dog then bolts out the door to head to my car and I say I just came for my dog, we’re leaving now. He comes running out after us screaming “I am SO over you! This really does it! I am OVER you!!” To which I calmly reply, “Well, I think that is for the best, and I’m sure your date will be relieved to hear it.” And I got the dog in the car and we drove away.
    That was the first day of 2013. I am SO happy to say that 9 months later I am MUCH closer to Meh, and life is pretty good. Thanks for letting me tell that one 

      • What a prince. not. If TM even has half a brain in her head and even a modicum of self-esteem, she will realize that the way he’s speaking to you is the way he will be speaking to her— one day. Maybe not today… maybe not tomorrow… but soon… Wonder if she knows of his penchant for “massages.” I think not. Oh well.

        You came to get your dog. Sooooooo? How egregious. :/ He was reacting like you had brought a man in the house and were going to have sex with him in another bedroom. (Now, that might’ve been interesting!) With him… anything goes…His way or the highway… his saying that he’s “over you” is an obvious attempt at controlling you, and yet even here, he fails miserably. Certainly, hearing that he wasn’t already “over you” a long time ago would’ve been quite disconcerting news to the woman he had all comfy in your bed.

        loser.

  • Curses! Rejected again! LOL. Actually congrats to SUMMERGIRL. She deserves it. I ditto the sentiments of Chump Princess on finding this site. It has helped me more than anything to stop looking at myself as the messed up one, the one who couldn’t please him and caused him to leave. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but when I read how similar the cheaters are, how their words and tactics are so similar it’s like they’re reading from some kind of cheater’s manual, it helps me let go of the past and face tomorrow. I think Chumps are some of the most kind, intelligent and empathetic people on the planet. I still think there should be an online chump dating site.

  • As the saying goes “what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger”. so when you get your cup and enjoying a cup of coffee/tea, imagine us all there with you, toasting who you are.

  • Wow, thank you!!! I just got out of a meeting with my lawyer on the final settlement agreement and a big ole’ cup of Meh is looking pretty darned awesome right now.

    Funny though, because I was actually at the same old coffee shop sitting by the front window, when I saw this post. (Beautiful and sunny and a great view out that window, today. A lot has changed for the better.)

    I totally I could get mugs for ALL of us. Gosh knows we have all earned them. :).

    Actually…can I pay the mug forward? For inspiration from the doing good for yourself posts? I nominate Stephanie. 🙂

    This site has actually been life changing for me these past few months, CL. You’ve given me the courage to get free of an absolutely insane marriage situation and finally move on. It’s been very, very hard, but oh so worth it.

    A million thank you’s to you and all of my fellow chumps – you are all inspirations, if you didn’t already know how awesome that you all are. Your stories and comments impact real people’s lives in good ways, every single day. Hang in there and — here’s to hoping that we all will get to Meh! (coffee cup cheers! *clink*)

  • Summergirl’s story had all quintessential cheater elements: complete lack of empathy, casual indifference to crises, blatant lying, extreme sparkling, and utter selfishness. But you did hit a nerve, CL. There are very few people who know all the shitty things my STBX did. It’s embarrassing to talk about because people wonder WTF was wrong with me for putting up with him. It bothers me but it’s here that I began to comprehend the idea of creeping normalcy which happened to a whole lot of us. People who haven’t experienced it just don’t understand. This was a safe place to unload resentments with people who get it, so thanks for asking, CL. And thanks to everyone for answering. I don’t feel so alone or so crazeeeeeee!

    • Oh Martha, you expressed so well why CL should be nominated for Person of the Year – maybe century – for starting this blog. The importance of connecting with people WHO GET IT and CL’s empowerment message is invaluable. She is brutally honest but not cruel. And the people that post here are so supportive because everyone understands the pain and the difficulty each person confronts or has confronted going through this swamp of total insanity.

      When you try to explain to people who have not been through this what has happened to you, even if they want to get it, they struggle because they don’t have a point of reference or a context to understand. When someone posts here, everyone GETS IT, and not only gets it, but BELIEVES it. It is the validation that I didn’t imagine the horror that was my marriage that has literally saved me.

      I get so inspired when I am on this site. When I think of people who are more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, faster than a speeding bullet, I think of the people who post here. You are all my super heroes.

      • “creeping normalcy” that is a very good word for how abuse happens, when I write my book I’m so stealing that phrase!

  • It must have been hard to choose CL but Summergirl’s story had it all going for it. Enjoyed reading all the posts feeling chumpy and agreeing with CL we should dump them all if we haven’t already!

  • Getting the mug is the least i can do for you, Tracy. Its not shamelessly commercial and there’s nothing to resent! quite the opposite. I know it costs $ to run this thing and the fact that it’s here, is priceless as are your sage words and advice. I’m sure everyone on here feels that way!

  • I like the choice of winner also, Summer Girls’s experience embodies all of the rotten traits of the average narcissist. And paying it forward-I love that. As for me, I’m nowhere near meh, still live with the jackass. I keep reading that there will be a discard stage, & I’m waiting…….My D-day was Nov 1st of last year, his actions on Halloween were what led me to check his phone, & to found 2 beasts he was involved with. One was a semiliterate 20 something, it was strictly sex, I saw enough in their texts to know she was totally using him-he had to pick her up or pay for gas, & she was only interested when he could give her free pot. The other, that was an all out affair. After a shit ton of lies trying to cover his ass, & I repeated word for word the texts I saw, he (almost) confessed-to a year & 1/2. It actually started in late ’09. Fortunately for me, for the 6 mos leading to D-day, he was such a complete bastard, that I had stopped loving him in any way whatsoever, I was already over him. The cheating was just the last straw. I’ve since found out there were a total of 4 physical affairs, at least I *think* so. Emotional affairs, he was King Turd of Shit Mountain in that dept. Now I’m making my stealthy plans to leave, our 7 yo daughter is still hoping for a miracle, that he’ll one day be an actual dad, & not a pig who uses her as a tool with which he strikes at me. I’m done with him, the sight of that big fat meathead with its constantly talking mouth just makes me wanna SMACK some sense into that walnut sized brain. Would be another waste of energy, that brain is closed & boarded up for good.

      • We do have an escape option if things did get scary here, my Mom has lots of room, but I’m still hoping I can tolerate this long enough to strike out on our own, my kiddo & I. But, holy cow, he drives me up the wall, now that my eyes are open, I really don’t see how I did this for 23 yrs. It’s in every word, every expression, every action. The fact that he’s agreed to counseling, is too little, too late. I do not have a single drop of love left for him, he killed it. Some moms say they’ll always love a guy a tiny bit cause he gave her a child, I’m the opposite. I’d give up everything if I could change that, cause I think he’d walk away. From the 2 times I left, I know he does his own image spackle- “it’s fine, we just aren’t living together right now”. Which allows him to show up every day, like nothing happened. And I let him, pretty much. That won’t be an issue this time, I’m a completely different person now, & I see that his problems are all on him.
        I’m so glad I found this site, for the wisdom, love, shared experience, & logic-I learned I’ve been doing some things right this year. Not ready for the meh mug, but I think I’ll buy a Spackle free zone shirt. 🙂

      • MammaLynn,
        Mine finally moved in with “his Love” (after I changed the locks) and if he doesn’t come home with crack she throws him out. Love It!

        • I would love to know what goes on in his head, when that happens-how he spins that to fit his self worship. Maybe he’s learning about Spackle.

    • Hey Mamma Lynn, I actually had to laugh when I read the last part of your blog when you commented on his constantly talking mouth and how you just wanted to smack some sense into the walnut sized brain of his. I too often thought about smacking my ex piece of shit in the head and even shoving a sock into that obnoxious never ending garbage talking, lying bullshit mouth of his. It’s like they can never shut the fuck up. Their mouths are just running endlessly on stupid talk about themselves and bullshit storytelling and the endless spewing of lies to try to keep their victims enamored with them. I used to tell him that he talks more than any female I ever known and I don’t think he ever got tired of the same old uninteresting stories he that he would keep telling me and others over and fucking over. I used to actually just put him down when he started with the stories and other bullshit he would try to use to make it appear as though he was something really special. I’d roll my eyes and say “Oh no, is this one of your bullshit stories again, nobody cares or wants to hear it”. Now he can keep telling the same old stupid stories to his ex-wife that pathetically keeps taking him back because she has zero self esteem. She makes a perfect audience for him. They both totally deserve each other.

      • Oh, man, I don’t get how they can do that every day, no matter how bluntly u tell him “you do not fool me anymore” he still wants to make u listen. The heroic actions, the tales of woe, the lies, insults, blameaccusationspunishment…..I still don’t know if he thinks I’ll agree with his version of something, even tho I was there when it happened, or if because he says something, I must abide by it, simply because he said it. (Thus spaketh He Who Knows All) Once when he asked me how he could “fix us” I told him to stick his cell phone in his mouth, then permanently wire his jaws shut around it. He asks me every day what he can do to be “the best thing for us” & every day he gets the same answer-tell the truth, be nice, don’t be a sadist. Think he’s hoping for an answer he likes. Since he always asks soon after doing something truly shitty, it’s pretty obvious he’s just doing the push-pull dance. Sometimes I even clap when he’s done.
        I know how irritating the stories are, they seem to think we need them to explain everything for us-Gee, honey, I had no idea how to find my way around my own hometown, what would I do without you? You frigging buffoon.”
        They really have no clue, do they, how we see them, once the Spackle wears off?

        • My ex ass clown had a fixation with his cell phone too! Wasn’t even allowed to get too close to it, cause he didn’t want me to see any of the names on the screen when they were calling. The idiot even had pictures of his gross ex-wife and still current FWB ( that claims she’ll still screws around with him), programmed in on his phone, so when they called you could see the goofs, that’s why I wasn’t ever able to look at his phone. He acted so fucking weird when that thing rang, you just knew it was because he was up to the same old shenanigans. He had most of them programmed on vibrate I’m sure, and he always held the phone away from my view so that I couldn’t see the activity on the screen. I even showed him a demonstration of himself and how he would fumble around with the phone nervously and secretive and childlike keeping it totally our of my view. He just acted as thought he hadn’t a clue about any of it. I often told him that I would buy him a necklace that he could prop his phone into so he could wear that stupid thing around his neck 24/7. Total fucktard. I’m sure he’s probably staring at his phone screen somewhere right now in front of some other chump wondering who will phone him next. Hopefully no one. I told him in the past “if your phone’s not ringing, it’s me!” Good times.

          • Yep, if he goes to take a 30 minute crap, the phone goes too. My mom & sisters used to tease him because he was always playing with the phone, we don’t do that any more. Now that we all know what he was actually doing-texting any of the 4 piggies he was screwing last year, or checking up on his hookup site profiles-it’s not funny anymore. (I found 9 profiles on some pretty slimy sites, before I stopped looking. After d-day, he handed me the phone & told me to look at everything, & that he had nothing more to hide. Except for all the email from mingle, date hook up, Anastasia, & his fave, senior sizzle. He’s 42. That still grosses me out. Since he stayed logged in, I tweaked a few of the profile, added that he lived in mommy’s basement/love nest, was unemployed, could only meet at public parks, & so on. All those were true, BTW.
            I have to stop myself, whenever I try to figure out the WHY, because I’ll never be able to understand him. In the ugly little stone he thinks is a heart, is a pathetic little monster. He’s the 2nd ugliest human I’ve ever known-his mom takes #1, the evil little troll. These guys, at their core, are creepy, despicable, toxic bastards. So they apply layers & layers of sparkle & a pretty mask, & the minute he says “I love u”, we become the enemy. I have a fun little fantasy where laws are passed making narco warfare illegal. Then they all get locked up together, with no one to pick on but each other. Or maybe we simply remove their voice box, sorta like the way child molesters are castrated. I’m thinking of starting a petition. 🙂

  • I agree that SUMMERGIRL had one of the best (worst?) experiences. However, really they were all pretty darn awful. The shit people do amazes me.

    I am also very appreciative of CL and the information I’ve seen here. There has been no place as helpful to me as this site. I’m not sure I would be as healthy as I am now (only 4 months Dday) if I hadn’t found it. I really believed my STBX loved me but when I looked closer, well, it was clear that it was not love at all. Without the information and shared experiences on this site I don’t think I could have seen his patterns and lack of empathy. I would have kept on chumpin’!

    Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my healing here at CL.

  • Congrats to the winner and runner-up, and (((hugs))) to Chump Nation.

    I just ordered my Meh mug. Thank you CL, from the bottom of my heart, this site and my fellow chumps have saved my life and my sanity. And got me to a “meh” or “near- meh” state on most days! Whenever I feel myself slipping I come back here, you’re better than a year of therapy 🙂

  • Summergirl’s story is truly a nightmare. I’d say “congratulations”, but that doesn’t seem quite right! So many stories here are beyond belief. These monsters really are stranger than fiction. This blog has been a lifesaver for me. Just knowing there are others out there who understand what this is like, who have been through similar insanity and who have reached meh gives me hope.

  • My situation is somewhat similar.

    My Ex knew he was getting a divorce at the same time his brother was divorcing his wife. They owned a business together and manufactured in China. I believe they started hiding money thinking they could leave us and go about their lives without much ado. He tried to get me to a mediator to settle and my gut and friends told me to hire a lawyer. I went to a lawyer and was fortunate that she told me to go hire a large firm, I would need a forensic accountant.

    I hired the biggest firm I could find (I’m in a kind of rural area) and between me and my sister-in-law, both our lawyers knew they were dealing with 2 narcissists who would do anything to hide their money. We had 2 forensic accountants, 2 lawyers and a gamut of back-up. I fought hard for the money I got while they cried poor through the entire process. Their offers were embarrassing and they thought they could hide their money in expensive toys. If I hadn’t had the lawyers I had, I would be living at home with my parents while he is living waterfront.

    I found a good Jewish female bitch (I say that in a very loving way!) of a lawyer who told me to stop all contact and let her handle it. Best advice I ever received and I followed it. She was right on top of his personality and handled him like a snake charmer. He was scared of her. He has gone through 3 lawyers and I still use her when necessary. The stress almost killed me but I got out with my sanity and I live comfortably.

    Fast forward 2 years, his brother died, then he sold his business for millions. My friends are telling me to sue and I won’t. Just too much negative energy. I am in a good place. I struggle with the same decision you face. Do I go in for my fair share of my money that I helped him earn or do I get on with my life? For me, I would rather go forward with peace of mind. No one understands the stress unless they have been through it. Follow your heart, literally.

    Good luck with your decision.

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