Dear Chump Lady:
I first heard about your blog through a very close friend. Let’s call her “OWX3.” She is married and miserable. Has been, ever since I met her 6 years ago. She is now embarking on what is, I believe, her third extra-marital affair in the past year or so. All three with married men. To make matters worse, she is “friends” with all of the wives. In this most recent case, the wife is being treated for breast cancer. I know.
She first met this latest one through her sons’ elementary school. She befriended the wife first, after the wife told her that her husband had cheated on her while she was undergoing treatment for breast cancer. They bonded over the horror, and candor. Then OWX3 started getting chummy with the husband, and you get the picture.
Should I continue to be friends with her?
When I discovered that my long-distance boyfriend of a few months was seeing other women behind my back (is there any other way?) she encouraged me to go “no contact” and trust that he sucks. Isn’t that a tad bit hypocritical?
At one time, she and I were very close. She supported me through my divorce. She has helped me in many ways.
So do I dump her as a friend? Try to talk some sense into her? Call her husband and drop a dime? (He is such a chump and has no idea.) Call the wife and tell her?
I have this friend. She poisons people. It’s not a serious thing, I mean, no one has died of liver failure yet. It’s just kind of a hobby. She’s been in a low place, hates her job, you know how it goes. Anyway, we hang out and I learned about her unusual past time. She poisons people with cookies. Or rice crispy treats, (depends on her mood). She doesn’t poison just anyone — she finds people who are throwing bake sales. Church groups. Girl scouts. Senior citizens. You know, people who really need cookies — and she donates her poison cookies.
People buy them, violently throw up a few hours later. She finds it hysterical.
I think it’s a little creepy. But maybe that’s just me. She’s been a really good friend to me. Should I tell people she’s poisoning them? Or keep being her friend and look the other way on her “hobby”?
Ex-Chump — did my little parable there connect the dots for you?
Yes, of COURSE you should dump her as a friend! She is a despicable person. I’m afraid you’ve given quite a bit of telling detail away in this letter, and as she reads here, she’ll know it’s you. Hey, OWX3 — trust that YOU suck! I write ABOUT sociopaths, I don’t write FOR them.
I think it’s fair to say, many or most of us have known people who’ve cheated. People we considered friends, maybe folks we’re still friends with. It’s one of those things that pre-infidelity you might roll with it. And believe the stupid shit like “she’s miserable in her marriage.” (Gee, she’s cheated three times in one year. I wonder why her marriage sucks?) And then there is life AFTER you’ve been chumped — when you have a lot less tolerance for people who casually deceive people for their sexual jollies.
It would be one thing if this was some embarrassing incident from her long ago past. If she were deeply mortified by her behavior, suffered consequences, and made amends. Hell, if she freaking knew it was wrong, even! That’s not the story — it’s going on right now. There’s some poor guy — and three women, one with CANCER, that she’s screwing over.
But what seriously creeps me out about your letter, that makes my disordered wing nut radar go to code red — is that she deliberately sought out a friendship with that woman with breast cancer. Pretended to be her confidante and THEN went and fucked her husband.
That shit is predatory. It’s incredibly sick. She’s seeking out people who really need friends, who in the case of that woman, are truly vulnerable, and she’s betraying them.
I don’t think it’s any coincidence that you’re a chump and she’s your “friend.” Your pain and vulnerability make her feel important, and draw you closer to her. You let her comfort you when you were down. What makes you think you’re different from Ms. Breast Cancer? Don’t you think OWX3 said the same lines to her about her husband, that she said to you? “Trust that he sucks,” and “You deserve better.” Etc. If she could, she’d screw your ex too. You’re not a special exception.
This is what you know about her — she seeks out friendships with women whose husbands she then fucks. She does this for sport. Because she’s “unhappy.” Don’t kid yourself that she won’t be poisoning your cookies next.
So yes, you tell the husband. You tell the wives, especially the one with breast cancer. You let her suffer the consequences without any hand-holding from you. You cut her out of your life and go no contact.
This person isn’t your friend. She isn’t anyone’s friend. She’s a predator. And reading at Chump Lady to find the kind of sympathetic lingo to endear her to her chumpy victims is exactly the kind of thing a sociopath would do.