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Divorce Party, What Do You Think?

DivorceCakeKarmaBuilder sent in this blog post idea on ways to commemorate your divorce.

Assuming one feels drawn to such an observance, I’d love some ideas about commemorating the day, and celebrating the new life to come.  (I’m sure it’s not right for everyone.)  In addition, I’m living in a new place that’s finally set up, furnished, unpacked, and decorated – and would love to make it sort of a house warming too.  A no-gifts thing, with suggested donations for the local domestic violence shelter or a nonprofit STI clinic, something like that.  Maybe something for the NPD Association, ha!  They always feel left out when we don’t get them something, too :-P.

Pintrest has some great ideas – some hilarious cakes!

In my own case, I’m just looking to celebrate what comes next, not to vilify the ex (not that he doesn’t deserve it, it’s just not really my style.)  But I can see a big “sendoff” to an ex might be very therapeutic.

Well, if you’re having a party to celebrate the dismissal of a cheater from your life, I can’t think of anything better to serve than cake.

But wow, a lot has changed since I last divorced. I just image googled “divorce cake” — OMG. Decapitation seems to be a theme. As does pushing your spouse off frosting precipices. Yikes!

I didn’t realize there was an entire industry devoted to the celebration of divorce. I thought folks just observed the day by sullenly paying their legal bills and having a shot of whiskey.

Sure, I could sure think of ways to celebrate leaving a cheater, now that you mention it. Party games like “Pin the Lie on the Jackass” or “Bobbing for Transparency.”  On the other hand, isn’t celebrating something so ruinous a bit gauche?

I’m of two minds on this. Getting a bad marriage behind you and beginning a new life is certainly a cause for celebration. On the other hand, I wouldn’t want to trivialize how destructive divorce is with party balloons and cupcakes either. It’s a balancing act. Maybe if it was a really tasteful cupcake

I’ll tell you what’s lunacy though — that “divorce party” that Jack White and Karen Elson threw on their anniversary to announce their “amiable” divorce, complete with the treacly sentiment that they were going to remain friends for the children. White is supposedly quite the cheater, so to throw a party with the guy is really serving shit sandwich canapés. Of course, now Elson has taking a restraining order out on White for harassment, so I guess the amiable divorce didn’t work out after all.

My take on it is as long as you aren’t partying with your cheating ex, do whatever makes you happy to celebrate your new beginning. Take a hike, throw a house warming party, strut down a second line in New Orleans. Decorate a violent cake.

So has anyone here thrown or attended a divorce party? How do you plan to spend the day? Did your marriage go out with a bang or a whimper?

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  • While I certainly didn’t celebrate per se, I went on un-honeymoon every year for the first year or two to reassociate the date and it was very liberating.

    I spent anniversary one under an umbrella on a section of perfect white beach of Bazaruto Island. I had the beach to myself and my boat navigator and snorkelling guide.

    It was a good thing to do.

  • Yea,

    I didn’t understand it when Jack White (of the White Stripes) and his wife had their now infamous divorce party in Nashville, but that divorce has since turned strange and nasty complete with restraining orders and such, so forgive me if I find the whole ‘divorce party’ idea more desperate than just “gauche”. I also think it’s insincere, fake if you will, totally lacking in real sincerity.

    Having said that, 5 months post divorce… I find myself singing this in the shower:

    I can see clearly now the rain is gone.
    I can see all obstacles in my way.
    Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
    It’s gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright) sunshinin’ day.
    It’s gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright) sunshinin’ day.

    • I love, and frequently sing, “So What” by Pink 🙂

      So, so what?
      I’m still a rock star
      I got my rock moves
      And I don’t need you

      And guess what
      I’m having more fun
      And now that we’re done
      I’m gonna show you tonight

      I’m alright
      I’m just fine
      And you’re a tool

      So, so what?
      I am a rock star
      I got my rock moves
      And I don’t want you tonight

  • Divorce party’s are immature. Why invite tons of people into your problems, and get a hug for doing so…Wah! Suck it up and move on. By having a divorce party you’re acting no better than the idiot you’re divorcing, it shows no class and you’re showing your ex that they are SO IMPORTANT to YOU that you held a party in their honor. And, by the way, you’re violating NO CONTACT! All your doing is making a huge concerted effort to nothing but think about THEM, which is what they want. Grow up! Be mature. Disappear, lick your woulds and move. Show your ex you are better than them by wiping your ass of it….quietly. That will FUCK with them.

    • Thats an awfully big assumption, you know condemning everyone who throws or has thrown a divorce party immature and low class. I agree throwing one with the ex is transparent and sad, but not everyone does that and im sure there are varying reasons one may choose to have such a festivity, no offense, just seems a little judgemental and presumptuous. But thats ok, we are all entitled to opinions right? I am speaking from an experience that is being planned for a good friend of mine right now, and i assure you, she’s niether immature nor lacking class, she was with someone who has literally made her life hell for years and being able to finally be done with all of it, is truly cause to celebrate. All her friends and family are celebrating, because its great, just saying you cant read everybody’s motives, and you shouldn’t assume anything. Intended to be an amicable post so hopefully no hard feelings 😉 and we might even have some gag gifts but all in good fun….

  • A good friend of mine had been married for 32 years. In that time she had never once removed her wedding ring. A few months after her divorce was final she had and “Untying the Knot” ceremony. Many friends gathered for cocktails and snacks and during this time a few friends went around to everyone with a small paper tag and sharpie markers. Each person who attended was asked to write one word they felt described my friend. Later in the evening we all gathered in a circle and my friend stepped in the middle with a long ribbon. She held on to one end that was tied around her wedding ring, still on her hand, and the other end was passed one by one around the circle of friends. Each friend told a story as they threaded the tag with their “power word” onto the string. When the circle was complete, the ring was slipped off her hand and onto the string and the two ends where tied together. It was really beautiful and moving and honored my friend and her strength and courage. It was honorable and thoughtful and focused solely on her and the support she had and her bright future.

    She was very motivated to have the event. I cannot say that I feel the same desire. I would prefer to put my time and energy into celebrating something forward. The housewarming party for example. But I completely understand another’s need or desire to mark this occassion going out in similar fashion as they did going in.

  • I agree with Edward. There’s no victory in throwing something as desperately tacky as a divorce party. My divorce became final on a day I was at work. I didn’t even realize it until it was past. And I sure wouldn’t celebrate it. Celebrate the end of a fantasy in my heart and mind that was actually an ugly reality where I was the chump extraordinaire? Celebrating a divorce is also still giving kibbles of a sort to the ex – who so richly deserves NONE. The very fact you’d have a “murder” cake says to anyone attending “Look – Char is still thinking of him – he still matters in her life.”

    No thank you. I am several months out from the divorce decree, and over 3 years since D-day……and there are moments still – when the air turns crisp and the breeze blows in over the bed in the morning – when I cannot keep my ex out of my head. Autumn brings memories of happier, more naive times. But that is just life, I suppose. I will have to live with the ghosts of him to some degree, but I sure don’t have to deliberately go out of my way to AGAIN make him the center of my attention by throwing a divorce party. Gauche indeed.

    • I like your comments about living with the ghost of him, Char. I still have dreams almost every night that involve my ex. This morning, for example, they woke me up an hour early. I sure wish they would go away. It is like living in a ghost town sometimes.

      • In the last month or so I have been waking up and reaching over to “his” side of the bed?! New, very unwelcome development for me…

    • I have the same trouble, Autumn was our favorite season. The Autumn weather bringing memories as we were married on a crisp October Saturday 20 yrs. ago. Based on what she told me it sounds like we didn’t even make it 19.

      I will also be living with ghosts. My ghost is real everyday because we have kids. I can’t go NC but I try my best to not make any eye contact with her when I have to speak to her. Hurts to much.

      She SUCKS!

      • Bud, I hear you… We have two kids and I have no desire to see him or speak to him ever again. I can’t or don’t want to look at him either. He is a fraud.

      • I forgot to add, that our anniversay in November now sucks. Since my boys are still young, the parent teacher conferences have always been around our anniversary. So for the next 10 years, I will have to see him around that date. Happy Anniversary asshole!

        Now, be gone!!

          • Boy, isn’t that the truth. Recently, I received a call at work from the ex demanding that I meet him to sign some paperwork addressing some settlement issues. Now, mind you, I haven’t seen him since January 2013 when we had our court date. Everything has been via lawyers since then. But on this day – which just happened to be my BIRTHDAY – he calls and makes demands like I should just jump and say “Where and when and cannot wait to see you!?”

            I refused – told him we would go via lawyers. He got pissed off and said I was holding things up. I told him the thought of being in the same room with him at this point made me vomit in my mouth, so he would just have to do it the legal way and NO – I would not meet to sign this shit.

            Honest to God – he’s been living off the OW for over 3 years now – he knows that both me and my kids are all NC on his sorry ass. And he chooses my birthday to tell me to sign some paperwork. But not even a “hey – happy birthday” included in his diatribe.

            Seriously – go away and never come back.

    • I disappeared and he’s pretty pissed at me nowadays. Probably because I didn’t do the pick me dance after doing it for 23 years. Must have been a shock to his ego. No divorce party for me. I’d rather put the money and energy into celebrating my new lease in life.

  • Personally, I wouldn’t want my kids finding out I made an edible joke out of decapitating their mother. Yikes! However, if you’re inclined to have a divorce party (infidelity themed), I can think of some more party games:

    Remorse Charades
    Reconciliation Limbo (“How *low* can you go?”)
    Musical Beds
    Bobbing for Herpes
    Blame Twister
    Self-esteem Scavenger Hunt
    Duck, Duck, Whore!

    And of course, a Cake Walk

  • I don’t see anything wrong with gathering people around you to mark a significant passage in your life. I think that very personalized celebrations, like the one FLB describes above, are often more meaningful and beautiful than the ones on the retail calendar.

    Having said that, a “divorce party” per se is not my cup of tea. These I-hate-my-ex themed parties are full of the kind of “humor” that no one ever laughs at. It feels forced, and therefore desperate.

    As for my own divorce, I did nothing to mark the day. A couple of friends offered to take me out for drinks (in a low key way), but I was just too busy with school work. For the most part, I mourn, process, and celebrate the end of my marriage online with all of you!

  • On the day my divorce was finalized, I was with my kids and one of my daughters friends at Hotel/waterpark resort. This year for each of my kids birthdays, I took my two kids, the birthday boy or girls’s BFF and we went to a hotel with a waterpark. We spent the night, ate lots of pizza and junk food and just had a blast. So while the judge was signing my divorce decree, I was watching my kids laughing and playing in a waterpark. Ironically enough, on the day my marriage ended I happened to be at a resort in the same town where I got married. Which seemed rather appropriate. I didn’t tell the kids, I just enjoyed seeing them having a great birthday and realizing that life does indeed go on.

    • Angie, I love your “celebration”…focused on happy times with your kids.

      I’m two months out from the actual divorce. I thought I’d throw a party, but something is stopping me from going through with it. I don’t want to be tacky–I don’t have the budget for it anyway. I am not sure who I would invite. I know it wouldn’t be a good idea to invite the kids. And you know, I’m in grad school, and there’s always a paper due…always.

      Still, though, I feel I’m missing out on an opportunity to declare myself “fabulous and free.” Getting away from an abusive cheater seems much more an accomplishment than 24 years of marital misery.

      • So why not just have a party, just because? To welcome in your new life. It doesn’t have to have anything to with your ex or the divorce, more of a celebration of life? Gather your friends and loved ones, eat a lot (always a staple at my family gatherings) and just have a good time.

    • Another rather ironic twist was I realized after the fact that I’d used the same fancy pen to sign both my divorce petition and the agreement at the end. *sigh* Ending a dream and a family isn’t a great reason to celebrate. But for me, finding my voice and realizing how much better I do deserve to be treated- now that was priceless.

  • Say what you will, but I do plan on celebrating when my divorce is final. No big party, but with a few drinks surrounded by my close family and friends. I want to celebrate them and thank them for helping me through this awful phase of my life. I have been truly blessed to have each one of them help me along this path. Without their love and laughter I doubt I would have survived.

      • M, I’m going to do the same thing (can’t wait for it to be final). Just a few drinks with just a few people, because like you, I so appreciate their love and support through the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

  • My divorce was final last Thursday. I would love to have some sort of a party to thank all my friends who kept me alive when I wanted to die.

  • To me our marriage died the day I saw his name on the petition for divorce. I sobbed for hours in my car, drove around town parking in various spots and trying to stop crying so I could go back to work. The actual divorce wasn’t final until about a year later. The day I got the news I just stayed busy so I wouldn’t think about it. I kept telling myself it was just a formality. My mom asked me later if I celebrated and I told her I didn’t feel like it was something to celebrate. Some good friends did through me a dinner party when I moved into my new house, though, so that was my party to begin my new life. I’m so grateful for good friends and family.

    • Seeing my name online for the divorce petition was upsetting. Didn’t even seem real. Something I NEVER thought I would ever be looking at. So to have a party to end something I loved is not in my plans.

      Informing my parents today about my situation, That is going to suck.

        • I couldn’t do it. Still working up the strength.

          My folks celebrated 51 yrs this year so it’s going to be tough. I’ll be the first of 5 kids that is divorcing.

          On the other hand My cheating wife’s parents are celebrating 48 or 49 next month. and now all 4 of their kids will have gone through at least one divorce each.

    • The hardest part for me regarding the legal stuff was when I went into the lawyer’s to sign the final agreement before it got sent to the judge because my littlest boy, who was just barely 2 years old at the time, was sitting at the table as well happily and innocently playing with no idea that the paperwork I was signing was ending his parents marriage.

  • Something I just remembered … on my 32nd wedding anniversary we were still going through the settlement process. Some friends threw me an “uncelebration party.” They brought wine, decadent chocolate desserts and black hats. It was fun and gave me something to look forward to on what could have been an otherwise difficult day.

  • I threw a “Happy D-Day” happy hour….actually, a lot of people went. Basically people congratulated me on starting a new life and we didn’t talk much about the divorce or the circumstances surrounding it. Most of the folks that attended were supportive of me through the whole ordeal.

    In retrospect, it does seem a bit gauche as ChumpLady mentioned. If I could do it all over again, I am not sure I would have done it quite that way. In hindsight, I should have just gotten together with my closest friends and cheer to the new life.

    Maybe it was something I needed to work through, I dunno…I get it that some people need to have a big shindig as part of a healing process so I am not knocking it.

    • I guess I should have also added that I did not have kids with my ex so there was not an issue of the ‘kids finding out’.

      As for the present, I honestly forget about “Emancipation Day” (which is how one of my friends called the day my D was final). I do not commemorate it in any way anymore. I have gotten to the point that life is too short to waste on douche-y people.

  • I celebrated winning my protective order with my friend by singing and pumping my fist out the car window yelling “freeeeeeedommm” in imitation of Braveheart, did it all the way home. It cracked people up and made me laugh too.

    It took another year to get the divorce final. I didn’t celebrate it, I breathed a great sigh of relief. I did the same when my request for an extension of my protective order was granted this year. I’m not completely free because I don’t feel really truly safe and still have some PTSD issues, but I’m getting closer to freeeeeeeeeedommmmm every day.

    How about a Freedom Party? Something to celebrate your own journey, rather than celebrate an ending, you celebrate a beginning.

  • Divorce party? Meh…why bother?

    I think anger and grief are all normal emotions we feel when going through a split and with cheating and betrayal, especially. It has it’s purpose: it gets you outta the relationship for whatever reasons it wasn’t working anymore and spurrs you forward in your life, but at some point you gotta let it go!

    I have no contact with my ex( my divorce should be through in a couple wks now, although it’s been just over 3 yrs) for the sole purpose of protecting myself from further manipulations as I don’t trust him and probably never will again. However, I do have a certain amount of compassion too and throwing a divorce party does not sit well with me.

    Everyone has wounds and baggage of some sort and also protective measures and facades they carry and act out for self preservation. Some are conscious and some are not and either we come to terms with that during the course of our lives …or we don’t. We can only be responsible for ourselves!

    Even though he hurt me very much, I wish him well and hope he finds some sort of peace in his life.

  • I would have never done such a thing out of concern that my kids would witness it.

    Divorce is sad for kids, not something to celebrate.

    Certainly a party for adults only, that, like Fight Club, one never speaks of, could be fun. But make sure the kids don’t get crushed again in the process.

    • This was it for me too. They had their lives turned upside down as it was. It didn’t see any reason to vilify their father and make them feel guilty for still loving him.

    • Me too. Although I’m REALLY REALLY happy with the way things turned out, the subject will always be sensitive for my kids, so I don’t say or do anything that could be considered gloating. They still have to deal with that asshole, and now that he married the AP, he’s being a bigger asshole than ever. It breaks their hearts over and over again.

  • My friends asked me if I wanted to go out and celebrate the day my divorce was finalized (which happened to be on a Friday), but I declined. I didn’t want to be giving my thoughts and energy to my ex, and to something that felt negative to me. Then my friends asked if I wanted to go out and celebrate the day after, and make it a celebration of new beginnings, and so that’s what it became. We had a fun and light hearted night out, and it felt good to commemorate the new chapter in my life. Also it should be noted that around the time I left my ex-husband I was just starting to get into running (something he criticized me for and complained about). I actually think my best celebration came a couple of weeks after the divorce was final, when I crossed the finish line at my first half marathon. Something I never thought I could do, and something that the old, emotionally beat down, version of me never would’ve attempted. I think that was my truest celebration of my freedom and the new possibilities for my future. That memory stands out as something that felt good and healing to me, but I suppose to others it may sound like absolute hell – LOL! I think that we all achieve our moment of release and celebration in different ways, and if for some it entails a divorce party, then more power to you. To each their own. Now pardon me while I’m off to go train for a marathon…because I can 😉

  • My cousin told me that she gives herself a “divorce-ery” present every year. She considers it self care. She didn’t want to have a divorce celebration because of her sons.

  • I found out the actual date the divorce was finalized when ex sent me a text message telling me so. He got the paperwork in the mail before I did.

    Although my marriage never stood a chance, and there was never really any choice but to end it, I find the whole thing tragic. I never had any desire to celebrate end of my marriage with a cake and balloons.

    Going to the social security office and DMV to change my name was freeing, yet sad. I felt weird when I threw away my old checks with the married name. I have supportive friends who kept me going through the whole nightmare and are always there for me still, but there was no party.

    Now I just try to focus on moving on and building a new life. I get very frustrated because I can’t seem to reach meh the way I want to, but I am trying to put the whole experience behind me.

  • I thought I would have loved to have a huge party, drinks, music, burn the wedding dress, bad mouth the ex. But, as the day came and went I realized I didn’t need the pomp and party to validate my feelings – and, although my kids are all adults, I would never rub in their faces my feelings of relief to have gotten away from their father with my soul intact. My kids and all my family and friends know I am so much happier to be away from Uncle daddy. On the anniversary of the day my papers were signed I went to work. On my former wedding anniversary I went to work. They both have become “just another day” in the month in the year in the life of me. I have lived to tell the tale, am coming out the other side whole and for that I am grateful. here comes meh.

  • I have neither attended nor thrown my own divorce party, but I did do a few things once it was final:

    I went out for dinner and drinks to celebrate with my siblings.
    I bought my “liberation” ring to wear on my left hand.
    On the day that XWH married the OW, I went to see a play outdoors with some terrific GFs of mine, and we had a champagne toast on the lawn to celebrate my freedom.

    Other than that, though… I’ve just been enjoying life without feeling a huge weight on my shoulders. Sure, it’s been tough in different ways, but I don’t think I quite realized how unhappy I was with the manchild until I got my own place. I celebrate that feeling every day. 🙂

    • I bought myself a “right hand ring” with lots of diamonds. It was a bit of an impulse spend but I get complimented on it constantly. I enjoy telling people the reason why I bought it 🙂

  • Actually, I like the idea. I like it a lot. If I would have had the money and time available to throw one for myself I would have…gauche or otherwise.

    The way I look at it, if I celebrated the union between X and me, I think it’s only right I celebrate its severance. Heaven knows, after the years of pain I endured, I would almost feel entitled to it. Besides, a new beginning like that would be a fantastic reason to celebrate with everyone I hold near and dear.

    For me, it’s been almost 2 years since the decree was signed, sealed and delivered. I don’t look back at that date with sadness…quite the opposite, in fact. It was independence day for me. I was DONE with X forever. After the kids were safely tucked into bed that first night, I poured myself one glass of wine and toasted my good fortune. I had, after all, survived that shitstorm and was ready to enjoy my Bright and Shiny Future.

    If I could have had a party then, I would have.

  • I vote whatever gets you through.

    So if someone wants one, go ahead and enjoy 🙂

    If you don’t want one, don’t have one!

    Havent we all been through enough already that we need to heap on more negativity or judge each other about our social schedules ? 🙂

    • Hear, hear!
      Each of us needs to celebrate, mourn, honor or process in his or her own manner.

      Personally, I imagine an evening with a few close friends to purge my past and celebrate my future. I also imagine some time in quiet reflection and grieving.

      Not being all the way through this, I am not positive how exactly I will feel.

      • Exactly!

        Yes I toyed with the idea, not of a divorce party, but of a “Positive New Chapter” party… in the end a quiet dinner with a good friend and a bit of grieving was just what the doctor ordered 🙂

        I think it’s most important to be gentle with yourself and play it by ear 🙂

    • Instead of judgement on this, I look at it as lots of ideas. Then we each find what works for us. I didn’t have a divorce party, because that’s what felt right. And frankly, I hadn’t thought of it. 🙂 So if you do, great. If you don’t, that’s fine too. This place is just a way to share what helped each of us, in case it will help someone else too. In the end, as with everything in life, you take what you like and leave the rest.

  • The day the divorce came through was not a good day or a bad day – it just was. I was blindsided 2 1/2 years before on the day after Christmas. I loved my husband & loved being married. There is & probably will be a hole in my self from losing my best friend of over 26 years. I would rather not even remember the divorce date because it will remind me I was once married.

  • I plan on celebrating by actually celebrating New Year’s Eve. This has been one of the worst years of my life, and I will be so happy to see 2013 end. I might throw a party, or travel somewhere. Not sure yet. I usually don’t care about New Years, but I am this year.

    • Me too, Rachel. Worst year of my life (my dad, a lovely man, died in March and Dday was in May). I just don’t know if the divorce will be final before I ring in the new year, but I do know 2014 will have to be a much better year. I may also do something like take a cruise to celebrate the closing of 2013.

  • Mine actually forced me to go to court because he opposed the actual granting of the divorce, so I actually had to be standing in court in front of the Judge on the day my divorce was granted, after the judge said there was no reason not to grant the divorce since all the terms were met. In many ways this felt like the biggest mind F*&$K of them all, because at this point AP was living with him playing house and they were engaged 6 weeks later once her divorce was final, but he contested the divorce? The event itself was anti-climactic, but I never had even a remote reason to want to celebrate, it merely caused me to reflect on how easily some people view commitments, and that with a simple tap of the gavel it was all undone. Marriage was something I very much wanted and had worked very hard on for 18 years, so there was no reason to celebrate its ending.

    • Bubbles-
      My STBXH has contested the divorce. Even though he and the final OW have been living together the past 10 months and were *engaged* on this past Valentine’s Day. I will have to stand before a Judge to have the divorce granted, and it does feel like the biggest mind F**K of them all. 🙁


      Please, CL, there is an article in this to explore. My H does not want to be divorced even though he doesn’t love me, wants to separate and all the rest of it.

      WTF? Do they honestly think we will just lie down and quietly go away? ‘Don’t have any needs’ right to the end.

      • In my case, once we are divorced STBX will lose health insurance, someone to pay his taxes (he’s self-employed) and the ability to live in a home that, without a wife or partner, would be far beyond his means.

        But to answer your question – if yours is a Peter Pan like mine, I’m sure he would just love it to go quickly away with a quick “lie down” and none of that bothersome “legal stuff.” Or not. Maintain the benefits and conveniences of being married without that messy wife stuff in the way.

  • I didn’t know I was divorced until the day after. I was out of town for work on a project and ended up getting a bit drunk at a work do…and made something of an ass out of myself. Luckily most people knew what was going on and took care of me and let the dumb move go.

    Otherwise? I just move on into the future. Something weird happened with the ex the other day (other than his usual daily email weirdness) and 6 months ago I would have been upset and unable to sleep. But now? It had no real impact on me other than to laugh at how ridiculous he still is.

    Yesterday would have been our anniversary. I didn’t even notice until today. I think I’m just about at meh. 🙂

  • DDay party – no, because by the time if officially happened it was pretty anti-climactic. We’d been living apart 9 months and nothing about my day-to-day living changed. I didn’t even find out when the judge signed the paperwork until after it got mailed back to me. I’d been officially divorced at least a couple days without knowing.

    But in general, it also didn’t feel like it was something I was happy about. It was still sad the way things had to turn out. That he had cheated, that it led to our divorce. That our children are going to have “two homes” for their entire childhood. Sure, I didn’t want to be married to my ex anymore, but that doesn’t mean I was happy about the way things had happened. I would have preferred to live my entire life without having had to go through the divorce so I really didn’t see anything worth celebrating.

  • I’m for whatever helps you through it all.

    Assuming that all goes to plan, I should be independent around the Christmas holidays. I’m okay with that. I’ll be with family, who are always supportive. It will be weird, as STBX has been at every single Christmas gathering for the past 25 years. However, I’ll adapt, survive, and thrive. At least, that’s what I’ll tell myself.

      • For me kb, it will be the first time I celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas without Don Draper in 36 years (we started dating at 18). Somehow we’ll get to the other side.

      • I know. It’s my big curse. There’s reason and then there’s emotion. So far, reason’s been working overtime, but every once in a while, emotion creeps in. Mostly anger, but every once in a while regret, and I tend to avoid regret as it’s not terribly productive.

  • My divorce absolute was just decreed on 9/10/13, just one month to the day short of 20 years of “holy matrimony.”

    Being married to — and cheated on by — such a colossal, self-absorbed, embezzling, delusional loser is an epic embarrassment, something I don’t want to celebrate, ever.

    What I did do that night however, was let down my business-like guard for a moment after a ridiculous email from him about refusing to agree to testing for a learning disability for our son (of course, I’m for it, and he thinks our son should just suck it up). I responded that I had noted his objection, to which he replied,

    “Noted and disregarded, I’m sure. We’ll see about that.”

    I finally communicated the following directive…

    “If you have nothing helpful or constructive to communicate with me concerning our children, or in response to my inquiries regarding your outstanding financial obligations as stipulated in our divorce judgment – those in which you continue to be out of compliance — DO NOT CONTACT ME. Your sarcastic, old-coot rants and veiled threats serve only to validate the opinion I now have of you, verify your malice, and strengthen my case for harassment.”

    That was commemoration enough for me. The No Trespassing notice went out the next day via certified mail, and is now on file at the local police station.

    Good riddance.

    • ChutesandLadders,

      “Your sarcastic, old-coot rants and veiled threats serve only to validate the opinion I now have of you, verify your malice, and strengthen my case for harassment.”

      BEST LETTER CLOSING EVER!!!! If an opportunity arises, I’m stealing it and using it.

      • Feel free! If your cheater is as eager to turn back the clock to be 20 years old again, I expect this one cut deep.

  • June9!!! I took the kids out for dinner and bought them all a present. Next year I am going to Italy! For me it is a celebration of my liberty. Oh that reminds me, I also sold my rings to get a tattoo. Rings don’t last for ever but a tatt will 😉 my wedding anniversary was new years eve. For 17 years my anniversarys were always a dud…and so were my nye’s. Now I get double the celebations.

  • Divorce “celebration”? Wouldn’t be my cup of tea. Just seems so forced and affected and I can’t imagine that anyone who would really want to be there would be the kind of person who would be fun to hang out with….

    Different strokes …. I guess…

  • I am having a catered party for all of my friends and my sons to thank them for their love and support.
    Over the past 4 years, I cried on many shoulders (and they didn’t tell me when my eye make-up ran and my nose was red), spent time on the phone angry while they listened, appreciated their company when I couldn’t leave the apartment, was thankful when people brought me food so I wouldn’t lose too much weight and supported me during my medication trials and through 2 hospital stays.
    I would not be typing this if it wasn’t for all of them (and Chumplady and my fellow chumps).
    The party will not be on the anniversary of anything divorce related.
    My kids and my friends are so grateful to see me in my new life.
    This is my chance to tell them how much I love each and everyone of them.
    Not a divorce party. Or a Freedom party. The idea of celebrating my unwanted freedom is too strange.
    Instead, this is a way of marking my passage from one stage to another.

  • I probably would not have a party – maybe a mock funeral. I could dress in red, dig a hole, have a nice box in the shape of a coffin with my STBX’s picture on it, put it in the ground, wait for a nice big dog or some other roaming animal to come along and do it’s business in the hole on top of the box, then cover it with the dirt.

    I loved my husband dearly and he used that to abuse me and shit all over me. He killed the marriage the first time he decided that cheating would be his main drug of choice. I guess the divorce qualifies as the wake and a funeral always follows a wake.

    Perhaps a repast will follow. I just hate the craven, narcissistic, rancid, flying-monkey turd from hell today and the only thing that looks good on anything about our relationship right now involves him in a coffin.

  • My daughter, in her second year of college at the time, kept asking me every day: “Are you divorced yet?” I finally asked her why she wanted to know so badly. She said she was going to buy me a cake with a picture of a donkey on it. That didn’t happen though; I’m glad because I don’t think I would ever be able to eat cake again after I saw one with his picture on it.

  • My divorce was finalized 11 months, 3 weeks, and 5 days after D-Day.
    I was out of the country when it became official, and after I read the email from the mediator, I opened the email message from the (now)exH saying AP was pregnant, again! (she miscarried only 6-7 weeks before).

    So, no party for me, but I actually laughed when I got his news. She is welcome to him. Two cheaters starting a family… does not bode well.

  • Every time someone congratulated me on the divorce, I thought to myself, “the end of a formerly loving and happy marriage is not something to celebrate.” But, I know they were congratulating me on the end of a very rocky road.

    But, I did commemorate the occasion. When I received in the mail the envelope that I knew contained the divorce decree, before I opened it, I took a red sharpie pen and wrote on the envelope “I vow to love, honor, and cherish myself, for all the days of my life.”

  • I think it is a horrible idea, and I could never celebrate a catastrophe, whoever’s actions caused it.

    I don’t regret my marriage, I did what I could and chose what I did at the time, because that was where I was at and that is what I was capable of. It takes a wingnut to chose a wingnut and I, and only me, am responsible for the issues behind my broken picker.

    It wasn’t all bad, and I don’t even regret my 5 years of chasing unicorns in false reconciling. I have learned a hell of a lot just how little sense of self I had, how much I lived through him and how much I had been trained by narc mom that my needs are completely irrelevant; and am NOT the person I was even 2 years ago. The affair was the finally devastating lesson that I could no longer ignore the horrendous imbalance that my acceptance and passivity helped set up.

    So being British and stiff upper lip and all of that, for me this is a time of mourning. For my mistakes and for his, the sadness of the children. The difference being, I choose to learn and he didn’t want to change a thing about himself.

      • x3. I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection as of late. Seems I’ve been chasing after emotionally unavailable, self-absorbed men my whole life.

        I can’t change the past, but I will make sure I don’t repeat the same mistakes. The cost was devastating on so many levels.

  • My divorce was final Aug. 13, and 11 days later I had a bash that I called “The Second Act Begins Now” Party. Got a private room at a restaurant, invited 20-30 friends, ordered beer/wine/sangria and a bunch of appetizers to celebrate/commemorate/mark and otherwise punctuate the (welcome) end of one chapter and the opening of a likely better, happier, fuller and more fulfilling new chapter. Highly recommend it.

  • My divorce was finalized on April Fool’s Day years ago. So let’s just say that The Universe has provided a fitting and appropriate way to commemorate the occasion… Each & every year! LMAO 🙂

  • My marriage lasted 33 years and then….done….thanks to Ms. Skank-neighbor and my ex’s proclivity to cheating and lying. He was also quite a hoarder so once all his crap was out of the house and once I had done a major purge and cleaning I had a smudging party/ceremony. Twenty of my dear and supportive women-friends gathered at my house for a potluck and then the smudging ceremony. It was a bit tongue in cheek for me but for some of them, this was serious business and a rite of passage. I walked through the house counter-clockwise with a smoking sage stick (east windows open)–my friends following and encouraging me. Then, I walked clockwise with burning sweetgrass (west windows open)–apparently the sage excises the negative and sweetgrass welcomes the positive. I’ve never been one to put a lot of faith in such woo-woo going ons but once the smudge was complete (and probably because of the wine we drank to toast and celebrate) I felt a sense of renewal and, yes, the purging of the demon that was/is my ex.

  • It really shouldnt be classified as good or bad, im sure it could ho badly in some cases, but everyone is different how they handle things, if this helps someone so be it, or maybe it truly is just a way not to take life too seriously, either way, to each his own, live and let live. …everyone is on their own path learning their own lessons, good and bad, i say if you want a damn party, then hell yeah, and if you dont for whatever reason, you dont. And respect whatever someones decision, i certainly do not agree with labeling such a person as tavky, immature, abd lacking class, for goodness sakes, we as friends and fam, could often times not know the half of it, so throwng people into this one lame category is actually pretty damn insensitive and of course kind of implying that your way of handling it was or is superior….nope, sure isnt….just saying…

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