A Polyamorist Speaks Out

CL,

Did you actually watch that video? The woman is 37 years old, has 15 children by three different men, and her response to “the system” not doing enough for her is, “Somebody needs to pay… for ALL my 15 children. Somebody needs to be held accountable and somebody needs to pay.” (That is a direct quote). ENTITLEMENT? Ya think? What kind of society produces someone like this? And WHY am I (or you) financially responsible for her chronic and pervasive bad decisions regarding both her body and the future of these children that she cannot afford to have. Not one..not two..but 15?

I disagree that Wall Street produces sociopaths. Adult sociopaths may gravitate there, as they do (in droves) into government and all other situations where they can get their hands on to manipulate and/or STEAL huge amounts of other people’s $$$. That’s a no brainer. (BTW, “Trading Places” is one of my favorite movies.) But to the extent that sociopaths are produced by “nurture” that begins in early childhood; and from what we know, tendd to be more prevalent at the very top and very bottom of societal strata. (And there are some good theories about the “why” of that… but it is a topic for another post.)

I am a libertarian politically. This means that I believe it is not only impossible but legally disastrous to try to legislate values, ethics, and morality. It also means that I don’t believe that I am in any way responsible financially for people who haven’t developed good values, ethics, and morals. Nor should I shield them from the consequences of their behaviors.

Ethics, values, and morality are taught by parental and family figures who model these consistently over time for children and who give positive reinforcement as their children internalize and exhibit these values. It works very well too, unless there is a plethora of intervening variables (usually cultural) that gum up the works.

The best government can do is try to enact and enforce laws that protect the sanctity of body, life, and property. Government cannot save people from themselves. It is sometimes is medically and therapeutically possible to help people save themselves. But if people are determined enough to self-destruct they will find a way to do so.

I don’t have a “legal” problem with polyamory or promiscuity. I do have personal objections to them based on some pretty valid psycho-social reasons. [I don’t even have a “legal” problem with drug use, prostitution, or polygamous marriage- because the government wastes trillions of ordinary citizens’ tax dollars in a no-win effort to prevent them by criminalizing them..thus making them much more dangerous for participants and for those innocents who become collateral damage by participants. I don’t like foreign aid and I really don’t like US foreign polity that has our military around the world either. But those are a discussion for another day. Let’s just say that I pretty much agree with Ron Paul about the proper functions of government.]

Some people are going to do what they want to do regardless. It has to do with their character and their internalized value systems, which in the greater part come from how they were reared in combination with societal influences. Therefore, if people want to be polyamorous, promiscuous, asexual, or celibate, as long as what they do is between FULLY INFORMED AND CONSENTING ADULTS and they DO NOT expect me to financially subsidize them AND I am NOT forced to view public displays of their predilections…. let them have at it!

Don’t misunderstand me. I resent the Wall Street raider and the government raider just as much as anyone who “farms children” for money at the lowest of the social rungs. Why? Because those of us in the middle, the ones Dr. Simon refers to in his book (up in your list) as the “..neurotics who constitute the backbone of society”, are the ones who pay and pay and pay for their deviant behavior.

For the record: I, too, was a single mother in my twenties. For some years I struggled along at a low paying job and managed to remain off, “the dole.” But my life and my responsibilities were mine and only mine. No one else’s. I gradually bettered myself over time by getting higher education–for which I paid out of my own pocket– and while doing without any luxuries.

I have three daughters. I impressed deeply on each of them that they needed to educate themselves in marketable skills or careers so that they were assured that (barring catastrophic injury or illness) they could adequately support themselves AND any children they might bring into this world without ANY assistance from a child’s father. All three of them are professionals who earn substantially than their husbands, or as in the case of my youngest without her cheating X whom she booted secure in the knowledge that if she never married again she could still financially support and educate her two children. ALL of these girls worked through both undergraduate and graduate schools to significantly assist in defraying their college expenses. They are all paying off student loans..on schedule. They did NOT get a free ride NOR did they feel ENTITLED to one. They would have made it without any help from parents because they were taught to take responsibility from early on.

A sense of ENTITLEMENT comes also from a culture that promotes it, and when entitlement becomes pervasive and people do what they FEEL LIKE regardless of who else ultimately has to “foot the bill” this spills over into the personal arena whether we will like to admit that or not.

Jade, I am sorry the video was painful for you. I realize that there are those who have genuinely been victimized, are genuinely disabled, or are genuinely temporarily financially devastated. But come on….15 children by 3 different men? She did not appear to be intellectually disabled to me. She was far to verbally articulate. Personality disordered maybe; but personality disorder is NOT synonymous with stupidity. Nope, she simply appeared to believe that she was ENTITLED to have someone (anyone) else shoulder financial responsibility for HER irresponsible sexual behavior. And her children will grow up just like her because they will never learn differently in that environment.

Yes, there should be a place for those who are genuinely disabled or TEMPORARILY financially devastated to receive assistance; however, the mass exploitation of programs meant for the TRULY needy has mushroomed into a whole sub-culture of people, too many of whom truly believe that other people are financially responsible for their bad personal decisions or just plain lazy asses. In other words they feel ENTITLED to take advantage of others, most of whom may only be moderately better off than they are.

When it comes to ethics and moral responsibility we don’t get to talk out of both sides of our mouths. To get right down to it, we don’t have an ethical leg to stand on when we castigate our wayward mates for their irresponsible behavior toward us and then turn around give anonymous strangers (who have behaved in an egregiously irresponsible and ENTITLED fashion) moral carte blance to have some kind of “claim” on our lives.

Wall Street, Capitol Hill, or Slum Lord Lane, the inhabitants are ENTITLED to nothing from me that is not either honorably earned (value for value) or freely given as my charitable choice and personal decision.

The kind of personal “cheating” those here have experienced does not happen in an isolated moral vacuum. It is in part enhanced by a society that promotes creates ever diminishing expectations of personal responsibility, personal accountability, integrity, commitment, and honor which in turn lowers the threshold for what we call “character.”