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Dear Chump Lady, Hysterical bonding… WTF?!

Dear Chump Lady,

Why hasn’t anyone mentioned hysterical bonding related to finding out about adultery?

I am a recent chump. I found out 30 days ago my husband of 20 fucking years has been fucking a hag for the past 10 years!! Holy shit was I stupid. I left my career to support his professional ascent and his fucking personal goals as well. He met this skank in a bar during an away conference. I was at home with two elementary aged children and infant TWINS when he decided he needed spontaneity in his life.

Anyhow, cut to now: I confronted him a few weeks after I collected info, called my attorney friends, made an appointment with my physician (STD check) and found a therapist (how to deal with the most outrageous fuck over in my life). What I am left with is a spouse who wants to “make it work” via therapy. My therapist met him and pretty much said he’s fucked up, so now my spouse is seeing his own therapist. Shit, I do not know if he’s manipulating the situation. I’ve already told him our marriage is over. He says he’s committed to me and our marriage. (Yeah, right. committed now that you’ve been caught!) I haven’t started any legal proceedings yet because I am a bit paralyzed and numb about the whole mess.

Here’s where the crazy starts for me: I’ve been married to this asshole for 20 years. I KNOW this relationship is done, but I am horny as hell! I am repulsed by my desire to get naked. It is not even a joyful thought. It’s more like revenge with a great orgasm. What the heck is this and did this happen to you? How should I deal with this?

Another New Chump

Dear ANC,

How should you deal with this? Get a great vibrator. Exercise to the point of exhaustion. Start divorce proceedings.

Ten years? A DECADE of a double life? There’s no saving this, ANC. IMO, people who can conduct a double life for that long are crazy disordered. While he was fucking around, he was allowing you to dig deeper into your investment in him, making yourself more vulnerable. SAHM, four kids, infant twins! Your husband has a front row seat reserved in hell.

That marriage he wants to save? He’s missing CAKE. Hell to the NO, ANC. Do like your acronym — Nelson Mandela his ass. Rebel. Assert your dignity. Blow up some railroad tracks. Twenty-six years of hard labor, breaking stones on an island prison would be better than the sentence of being married to your husband.

So why do you want to have sex so badly with a man who repulses you? Bargaining stage of grief, ANC. You’re in shock. You want comfort. You want to know, after this humiliation, that you’re still desirable. You want that validation from him because he’s the person who invalidated you. Intellectually, you understand you can’t be married to him. The bargaining stage of grief whispers in your ear (and to your groin) that okay, well how about friends with benefits? How about a pity fuck for old time’s sake? Maybe I can use him the way he used me?

You might trick yourself with that thinking. But you’re not the cold, compartmentalized bastard he is. Having sex with him will only set you way back. Your brain will be flush with warm fuzzy neurotransmitters. You’ll feel bonded to him. Worse, you’ll feel HOPE. Maybe things aren’t so bad? Maybe we can save this? Then you’ll remember all the ways he has betrayed you. Whatever he just did with you, you’ll imagine him doing with her and her and her. Then you’ll puke and cry and regret it all. (Ask me how I know…)

Hysterical bonding is the pick me dance performed naked. See what we have together? See what you’re going to miss? See how MUCH BETTER I AM AT THIS THAN THE SKANK?

You know who enjoys performances of the pick me dance? Cheaters. It’s a total no win for chumps. Your husband would be quite content for you to dance that dance. And he’ll reward you for it to keep those kibbles coming. He’ll tell you we can make this work. Oh how he missed you. He’ll look at you in happy delirium that Cake Still Lives, but you’ll mistake that delirium as love for you. And then he’ll hold you and perhaps apologize — as you long for that comfort. You ache for someone to hold you, and rock you, and make it all go away.

ANC, it’s a LIE.

He cannot comfort you with sex. Whoever you thought he was 31 days ago is not coming back. He betrayed you for a DECADE, when you were at your most vulnerable and devoted to him. That is who he IS. You’re not making love to your husband, it’s THAT GUY. Don’t reward that guy! Having sex with him sends him the message that what he did Was Not That Bad that he can’t still get laid.

Here’s another reason not to fuck him — on the off chance you live in a fault divorce state, having sex with him could be construed as you forgiving him. You could lose whatever leverage you have from his adultery. Protect yourself — do NOT sleep with him.

Don’t just legally protect yourself — physically protect yourself. You don’t know where that shit has been! He’s been tom catting around for 10 years!

Please move forward on divorce proceedings. It’s early days, you need to take good, good care of yourself. Heal up — get free of him — and then pounce on the first deserving guy who comes your way. Save your sexy self for someone who deserves you. He’s NOT that person. Sending you ((((big HUGS))))).

Ask Chump Lady

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  • ANC,

    CL is right! Mine betrayed me for at least 5 years (that I know of). Their thinking is truly disordered. They are sick bastards. This marriage can’t be saved! If you try, you’ll just put yourself through more hell before you realize it’s finally over.

    You are in a fog right now because it’s early days. I’m 6 months out and the fog is starting to clear, so take it from me and get that divorce started.

    Meanwhile, here’s another solution:

    Best vibrator ever! 🙂

    Take care of yourself and let us know how you’re doing. HUGS!

  • Please listen to CL. She is spot on. My XWH had been cheating on me for about four months (that I know of) when I found out. He behaved the same way– wanted to fix this, couldn’t we go to therapy, etc. Fortunately, I found this site and another one where I could talk to people dealing with remorseless cheaters, and I was able to see XWH’s behavior for what it was– he was sorry that I found out, sorry that divorce was going to carve up his assets, sorry that the state we live in would require him to pay out a good chunk of change every month for three kids’ child support. He was sorry that the cake was coming to an end and that people would find out what he was really like, thereby smashing his “nice guy, family man” image. Don’t mistake it for love for you, ever. I don’t think that any cheater, especially one that keeps up a double life for an extended period of time, is capable of loving anyone but him/herself.

    Take care. I know it’s hard, but file for divorce and move on with your life. You (and your kids– don’t stay “for the children”) deserve so much more.

    • Moving On – that is about the best summary I have ever heard. It took me 5 years to come to the same conclusion. I mean, we had been married so long! We had been through so much! WTF? How can it mean nothing? But it really means nothing compared to their fabulousness, and their entitlement.

  • Recently seaparated people seem to go either sex crazy or shut right down. That hysterical bonding thing is our brain on survival mode, I know I was walking around like a frustrated 16 year old @ age 56 when my X left. Part of it is fueled by Human growth hormone production that can increase 1000%- 2000% when you go without eating for an extended period ( I lost 22lbs in two weeks, couldn’t hardly eat). I’d say Lawyer up and file as soon as you can. Get to the Gym and burn off those stress hormones, I know it was the only thing that worked for me.

    • Ah, so that’s what is was…. I had never been a sex fiend, so I could not figure out those feelings when I had them. I thought it was because I was left for a woman 12 years my junior.

      • Just to add on my part, I had no desire for exH once he admitted to at least 2 affairs, the increased libido was just in general.

    • I thought I was going crazy when my husband left me for a yoga teacher… I was suddenly hornier than all get out – ironic because my lack of sexual interest was part of the reason he left. When he came back after 2 months (he “missed his family”) we screwed like bunnies for a couple of weeks – “PICK ME!!!” When we began to understand how the skid mark of his betrayal wasn’t disappearing (I wanted to forgive, but…) the sex tapered off and he missed her sparkly-ness. My desire dried up and he made the decision to leave for good. When he took off, my randiness reappeared with a vengeance. I felt so confused – was it the beginnings of menopause? Was my body telling me to change to fight for him? Or was I finally feeling the power of my sexuality that he had not inspired for years because of his immaturity? I still don’t fully understand the change, but I’ve decided to let it be what it is and perhaps investigate what it means to be with someone else. I didn’t date much before I married him – maybe it’s time to do a little safe exploration…

    • Amazing!! Unfortunately I did the hysterical bonding thing too. I lost about 25 lbs in a month after d-day, and was actually pretty psyched to find my libido had resurfaced after a long dormant period! Interesting to know the biological reason behind it. Although in my case, there must certainly have been a good portion of pick me dance going on as well.

    • Must be other physical reasons too. I lost only 10 lbs (starting from 6’1, 175) but was aroused to the point of needing a binder by the sight of my wife. If shed kissed me hard I would probably have, um, embarassed myself. But (luckily?) she showed me no affection. That would have set me back months. Run, ANC, and dont look back.

  • ANC, my stbx (trial is in 7 days) lived the double life for 8 to 10 of the 12 years of our marriage. She left, and six months later I found the list she had left of the lovers, many of them men she had brought into our family’s life as friends. I only say that part as a background to my next comments.

    When the divorce started, I was a basket case of grief and bargaining. I would have done almost anything to stop the divorce and reunite our family. Just as I was getting calm, I found the list, and was set all the way back with new greif and feelings (note, that I was only just starting to feel calm after six months).

    In both periods of grief. There was a constant state of despair, but over top of that was a rapid fire flash of triggered emotions that caused me all sorts of confusion. Nothing seemed to calm it. Which made the new lonliness more acute, and incorrectly made me think tenderness or affection (real or fake) could soothe me. Fortunately, she had no interest, I never asked, and since I’m not a pick up artist, I never tried to find substitutes. If I had, I would have only spread my pain onto others.

    Right now, 30 days out, you are likely deep in that roiling stew of emotions. Do not have sex with your stbx, it will only conflict you. Do not start hooking up with strangers either, because that’s not who you likely are.

    Make sure you have a good counselor, consider getting on medications for a short time to help with the depression and anxiety. There is nothing wrong with your thoughts or feelings. They are normal reactions. But, you want to be mindful of why you are having them, and mindful of the choices and actions you make in response to them. That way you won’t do anything that you might regret.

    • I had a similar experience. It didn’t involve a list and wasn’t to the same degree as your experience, and I’m not trying to say I know how you feel, but I had a similar “double-discovery” sort of experience.

      I knew about one girl that my ex boyfriend had cheated on me with. She was the one I caught him with and she was the one that really blew things apart big time. When I found her, there was yelling on the phone at 7 in the morning, there was crying, and much gnashing of teeth…mostly mine.

      About a year and a half/2 years or so down the line, I meet someone who is now a friend. Why is she a friend now? Because she hates my ex just as much as I do. Why? Because he cheated on her too. …While he was cheating on ME with HER. She didn’t know I existed. I don’t count her as an OW because she did not know about me.

      But…she did know about him cheating on her with her best friend…
      …and on the best friend with a GUY.
      …and a few other girls on the side that he wanted to make porn with.
      …and she also knew the girl I caught him with. She was the one who told me that he had impregnated her and tried to run.

      She said she wasn’t surprised to learn that he was actually cheating on me with her, she was just upset to learn that she was used as a tool to harm someone else’s life.

      I had been moved on from him for a while at that point, but learning all this new information was like a slap in the face. Old wounds had healed, but now there were all new ones that I was dealing with. The initial “How did I miss this?” with the one girl I found turned into “HOW THE FUCK DID THIS ALL GET PASSED ME!?!?” Beating myself up all over again for missing this.

      But since then, I have realized that it’s not my fault. I fixed my picker and now, no, it doesn’t surprise me in the slightest anymore either that he was such a horny slimebag.

  • ANC, you have ALL my sympathy, I have some idea of the horrible horrible place you’re in.

    Please don’t have break-up sex w/this Pig-Faced Alien Disguised as a Human (who’s term is that anyway? I can’t stop using it! Nord? Chump Princess?). (But if you do or have, forgive yourself, you’re only human.)

    I think a big part of that crazy horniness as well as the strong longing directed at the almost-ex is just a reflection of the fact that we chumps DO bond, in a healthy way. And for so many years, HE was the person you wanted to turn to when you were upset or hurt. (Although only you know whether you actually could turn to him, or how often that upset was caused by him.) So now when you are devastated, your reeling mind (and body) reaches out blindly for the usual object of your bond, your attachment. Except he’s the one who just gutted you w/a fish knife.

    It will help to take really really good care of yourself. Book massages, drag yourself to the gym or ask someone to drag you there, take days off from everything, where you do the minimum required to keep your kids ok and otherwise do nothing at all. And most importantly, talk, talk talk to the people you’re close to and even the ones you’re not very close to. The more you express your feelings to others, the less you’ll need to direct them towards him. And the more you tell your story, the more you’ll see, by other people’s horrified faces and righteous anger against him, that you the man you thought you were married to, the one you long for and desire, is no longer alive, and the man who’s actually in your life is a monster.

    • So true about talking. I don’t think it really hit me just how horribly my ex had behaved until I started seeing the looks on people’s faces when I told them what I had discovered. One woman literally turned her head to teh side and said she felt sick. She knew my ex and one of his fuck buddies and literally could not believe either one had engaged in this shit. And this was a woman who had been cheated on! So many people were just stunned into silence and it does help to gauge reactions of other people.

      Of course, one we can know what or how much we an handle but if people you care about are completely shocked by your story that should tell you something about just how fucked up your situation is.

  • ANC, you have ALL my sympathy, I have some idea of the horrible horrible place you’re in.

    Please don’t have break-up sex w/this Pig-Faced Alien Disguised as a Human (who’s term is that anyway? I can’t stop using it! Nord? Chump Princess?). (But if you do or have, forgive yourself, you’re only human.)

    I think a big part of that crazy horniness as well as the strong longing directed at the almost-ex is just a reflection of the fact that we chumps DO bond, in a healthy way. And for so many years, HE was the person you wanted to turn to when you were upset or hurt. (Although only you know whether you actually could turn to him, or how often that upset was caused by him.) So now when you are devastated, your reeling mind (and body) reaches out blindly for the usual object of your bond, your attachment. Except he’s the one who just gutted you w/a fish knife.

    It will help to take really really good care of yourself. Book massages, drag yourself to the gym or ask someone to drag you there, take days off from everything, where you do the minimum required to keep your kids ok and otherwise do nothing at all. Eat lots of chocolate.

    And most importantly, talk, talk talk to the people you’re close to and even the ones you’re not very close to. The more you express your feelings to others, the less you’ll need to direct them towards him. And the more you tell your story, the more you’ll see, by other people’s horrified faces and righteous anger against him, that you the man you thought you were married to, the one you long for and desire, no longer exists (if he ever did). And that the man who looks just like him and who’s actually in your life is a monster.

  • ANC, I was with my ex for 36 years, married for 31. After he left I ACHED to be held and comforted. To be touched and cuddled. It was an overwhelming feeling. Humans are programmed to bond, and a sudden breaking of a vital emotional bond leaves us reeling.

    For me massage helped. It was relaxing and comforting and felt good to be touched. It also helped the pain in my joints from being so tight and stressed.

    Another thing I did was to hug myself. This sounds crazy, but at the worst part I would wrap my arms around myself and give myself a big hug.

    You have young children so they are most likely enjoy cuddling. That will help a little as well, although nothing will replace the loss of an adult relationship for awhile.

    To give you hope, I’m in a new relationship now and having the best cuddling and touching I’ve had in years. It’s so much better than the last years of my marriage. It makes all the difference when there’s an emotional connection with your partner.

    The grief from abandonment is different than grief from a mutual divorce or after a death. There are chemicals in our brains that make us feel like we’re going through withdrawal from our partner. Susan Anderson’s book “Journey From Abandonment To Healing” explains it well. She also has a website with good info here:‎

  • I went just the opposite after divorce. Every speck of interest in sex disappeared. It literally never crossed my mind, no need for a vibrator or anything else. It’s been more than 2.5 years since I last had sex, and I was okay with that. I thought maybe I would never be interested again.

    Well, I’ve been dating a nice guy for a month now. I told him upfront that I was going slow, no jumping into bed right away. He’s been very respectful of that, no pressure at all. Last night, we did get into some passionate kissing, and WOW! I guess that interest was hidden away all this time, not truly disappeared, because I cannot wait to see him again and go a lot, lot further!

    Don’t rush into sex with anyone new, and definitely DON’T do your STBX. Only heart ache there. Take the time to go through the roller coaster of grief, anger, disbelief, terror and pain, although it is a terrible ride. Once your emotions start to calm down, then you might look around for a new partner, though I think waiting is a good idea.

    In the meantime, take care of randy thoughts with a battery operated boyfriend. Lots of interestingly designed ones out there! Check out website for some fun.

    • GIO, a big “WOOT” for you! also has some goodies. I treated myself for my 2 year DD anniversary, since no real men appear to be on the horizon right now.

  • ANC,

    Welcome to our nightmare. Hypersexuality is part of the process. The person you desire the most also repulses you the most. Thats what makes us cuckolds. You will find you end up being more religious than you’ve ever been. Then you want to be worse than them to prove a point. Don’t fall in the trap.

    Love yourself the best you can and get in front of a judge to finalize divorce as soon as you can. You will find a non-cheating soul waiting for you. He’s not fabulous like you husband thinks he is but truely wants to love you for you!

  • Dear ANC: like a few others here, i am 6 months out from DDay. I was married 20 years (2 children). He had 3 affairs that i know of and probably many more that i dont. Im just starting to come out of the fog.
    I lost 20 pounds right away because i couldnt eat or sleep. I started working out again to help with the stress. Initally, i did have sex with him (once) but like CL, i puked and cried after. Its not worth it.
    I still think about having sex with him but know i cant handle the aftermath.
    Please dont do it. Work out, hug your pet, kiss your kids or call your friends.
    We get it. But the quick orgasm isnt worth the price of your dignity.
    When you feel vulnerable, come back and read CL’s posts. Read the comments by your fellow chumps. We got your back. Hugs, nmc

  • I just want to scream and destroy everything today…..I read all of these posts and feel everyone’s pain like it’s my own. It’s been almost 8 months since my discovery and I have been writing and crying and sharing and crying. I do a lot of crying. And then there are days that I feel like I can move forward and that I can get over this. My story, although similar to most, is even more convoluted and lengthy. Someday I will share it here. Maybe. All I know is that I myself can’t begin to imagine how someone who professes to love you and care for you can go about betraying you without conscience. I took mine back after lots of counseling 15 years ago. I thought everything was great right up until the very day when I was smashed over the head with reality. He had been betraying me starting one year after our reunion. He was so good at the act, no one even suspected, and everyone, and I mean everyone we know mutually had no clue he was up to anything. That perfect guy image we all had was shattered in a nano second. I was in denial for months and thought someone was just playing a bad joke on me. When was I going to wake up! Thankfully I have lots of supportive family members and a great therapist. Oh, and I can also attest to the Horniness issue just following… fades. But whatever you do, don’t lower your standards for a roll in the hay. So not worth it. That’s how he sucked me back in the first time. Be strong! Ditch the Jerk and live your best life possible.

  • ANC, I want to go on record right now saying that I 100% agree with your STBX that he’s committed to the marriage and “wants to make it work.”

    Your having sex with him will do both.

    It’s just that his idea of marriage commitment and making things work is much, much different from yours.

    In his world, he’s committed to the marriage because marriage is great kibble. He gets all the trappings of success: a wife, 4 children, house, pets. Oh yeah, and sex. The kind of sex that gets you 4 kids. He has his meals fixed, his laundry done, and his house cleaned. Marriage is totally awesome, and he’s 100% committed to it.

    That’s because marriage is a wonderful counterpoint to his life with his mistress. You see, she’s always there for him. You know how you can’t go out on a date with him? Well, all he ever does with her is go out on dates. Yep. She gets the concerts, the restaurants, the weekend getaways. And the sex that always comes because, by gosh! it’s been so long since they’ve seen each other!

    This is a great life for him. And you, well, you found out about it and you’re threatening to dismantle it.

    Therefore, he has to make things “work,” i.e. kludge together something where he can still be married AND have his mistress. This gives him the very best of both worlds: kibble and cake.

    If you have sex with him, then the message you send him is that yes, things are “working” just fine. Sex with him shows him that you still think he’s soooo awesome, and oh yeah, you’re even okay with sharing the love.

    Don’t go there.

    Do what it takes to work through hormones. Lots of really great suggestions here. Once you’re truly free of him, you’ll be able to find someone more worthy of your love.

    • kb, this is so right on! My STBX felt completely entitled to having his gf on the side. They travelled together for work (and for play, pretending to be working). Meanwhile Queen Doormat was taking care of everything else, raising the kids, making him smoothies and lovely dinners, cleaning, you name it. “Making things work” for King Dickwad meant exciting sex on the side, trips, wonderful dates, dinner, drinks while QD did all the drudge work. Yeah, he was “committed” all right–to having it all.

      ANC, NO SEX! kick the asshole to the curb!

    • Standing ovation for kb. Absolute truth. Even after dday, even after he’d told me over and over he didn’t love me, should never have married me, we had nothing in common, he only married me to take care of the house, he was having affairs with two married women, even after all that, ex was still saying he “wasn’t sure he wanted a divorce.” Well, of course he wasn’t sure. What he WAS sure of was that he didn’t want to have to pay support, he didn’t want to lose face in the community, he didn’t want to lose the house, he didn’t want to lose the convenience of a built-in maid, babysitter, cook, errand-runner and occasional sex. I have no doubt he would have continued to gobble that cake down as long as possible if i hadn’t filed for divorce. He did manage to fool me into bogus reconciliation for eight months, but thank God I came to my senses and finalized the divorce.

      • GladIt’sOver, thank you for this description. That’s almost exactly my situation– unlike a lot of others on this site, my husband never went through a desperate-to-reconcile-now-that-I’m-caught phase. I think he added up the costs associated with leaving me for his co-cheater (two households, child support, losing the built-in nanny, cook and personal assistant functions that I performed and, like a total chump, still do to some extent)… and decided that it made practical sense to stay. And all I wanted was for him to stay– I can’t even describe the relief when he made his decision– even though I’d heard all of the same mean things (he didn’t love me, we never should have gotten married, he doesn’t like spending time together, etc.). All of this took place when our only child was 6 weeks old, and all I could see was the chance to have an intact family for my new baby. I’m still disgusted with myself for staying and trying to work it out after hearing all of that hatred from him, but when I think back to the depths of despair I felt at the time, it’s like I was operating in survival mode. He’d cheated throughout the pregnancy and I was so heartbroken about that, and about the loss of the idyllic little family I thought we were creating, that it felt impossible to see anything else. Now, four years later, I’m taking the same steps you took after 8 months and it feels like I’m rejoining the human race.

        I was seven and a half months pregnant when I found out about the affair, which affected my reaction in a bunch of ways, I know. One of them was sexually– since I learned of his affair, I haven’t and can’t even begin to think about my husband sexually without being revolted.

  • First off – “Hell to the NO, ANC. Do like your acronym — Nelson Mandela his ass. Rebel. Assert your dignity. Blow up some railroad tracks.” I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT! CL, you do have a way with words. I would also recommend a little Winnie Mandela mixed in – betrayal means death.


    You have experienced a severe trauma and you will have to recognize and understand that everything you are going to feel is a normal part of the process. In order to heal and move on, you will not be able to go around it – you will have to go through, feel it, experience it to get past it. Attempted short-cuts to healing will sometimes get you stuck in neutral. Feel it all, succumb to none. It ain’t easy being green or chumped. It is miserable and painful. But slowly and surely it will begin to feel better. It is not a linear process – you will sometimes move two steps forward and take one step backward and maybe one to the side. The important thing is that you keep moving forward to the life YOU want and deserve – and it isn’t this shit.

    Whatever you do, follow the advice of everyone here, and do not have any type of sex with the Disordered Baboon’s Ass a/k/a known as your husband. Take a walk. Run. Jump rope. Hoola-Hoop. Masturbate. Anything but that. You don’t need it and he doesn’t deserve it nor will he appreciate it. It would just be more manipulation on his part and more pain on yours.

    I am going on eight months out of the house, almost a year since the precipitating event, but certainly not the first D-Day. A few weeks back, I actually had a dream about STBX Flaming Turd From Satan’s Ass that was quite sexual and real. I attributed it to deprivation and realized I may need to consider a maintenance man to perhaps fine tune my plumbing – or not. I’ve never been much into casual sex, but I’m much older now so who knows.

    Listen to CL and make plans to free yourself from that lying, manipulative, dog turd of deceit to whom you are married. To say that anyone who would lie to you and betray you over a 10 year period can’t be believed or trusted is an understatement of gigantic proportions. He wouldn’t recognize honesty if it walked up to him wearing a clown suit and stabbed him in the chest. He has shown you who he is – believe him.

    I am sending you great big bear hugs. (((HUGS)))

  • Oh man, this one hit close to home, unfortunately. I’ve been sleeping with my cheating sob, hopefully STBX since DD, which was in late August. The only reason for this horrible action on my part is that if I don’t do it, I get absolutely zero income and being a SAHM, I am definitely not in a position to make any moves YET. My plan is to continue with the false reconciliation, keep looking for a ft job, roommate and only after I get all my ducks in row, surprise exit. My fantasy is to do it all behind his back.

  • CL has a way with words, listen to them.

    I don’t have her way but here’s what happened to me. I had not had sex in years and it is very important to me. I gave it up to stay with ex because he had physical issues…not exactly, amiright? When ex convinced me to reconcile he pulled out all the stops and got me in bed. He gave me an STD that day, and I realized afterward that he’d gone directly from his OWs bed to mine (do not ask me how I know that, it was horrible when I figured out the wrongness). It took a lot of therapy to get past the images in my head afterward. Actually if you imagine him fucking someone else I bet your lady boner will dissipate quite a bit.

    Lastly, he iced the cake by trying to delay the divorce because, as CL told you, if you fuck the spouse then it means you restart the separation. Law says it means you forgave and reconciled. If your state allows immediate divorce when you prove adultery (mine does), or it might give you chips in custody/support then it behooves you to stay far away from sex with your STBX. If proving adultery would help you then I want to shout this last part: GET A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR RIGHT NOW. The only way to prove adultery has to be by third party, nothing you acquire as evidence is acceptable without a PI. Once your STBX realizes you are going to divorce him he will take his escapades deep underground and that PI will not help you.

    • I cannot fathom making myself vulnerable enough to get it up with someone as abusive as a cheater.
      I’d have visions of having my junk cut off etc.
      This is a little tongue and cheek , but, seriously how does one do it? I mean you are having sex with a monster.

      • Actually, you WISH, you long to, you feel like you are having sex w/the person you thought your cheater was. Then you puke afterwards because you KNOW you just had sex w/a monster, or at least w/someone who is NOT who you thought they were.

  • Please do not wait to initiate legal proceedings. I do not know how bluntly I can state this. You need to charge him and get the paperwork going. The longer the separation drags out, the more control you lose because they start thinking. You don’t want them to start thinking; you know what to do. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT sleep with him. This is considered “forgiveness” in family law. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT sleep with someone else. Then he can charge you with adultery. For what it’s worth, I fantasized about the hysterical bonding, but I kept it to myself, you know. . . I kept it to myself.

  • CENSOR ALERT: DON’T READ IF YOU ARE SKIRMISH! My biggest regret is giving my husband a blow job during “reconciliation”. This is something I always detested and something that I stooped to at my lowest and most desperate level, hoping he would pick me for “the pick-me dance”. HOW HE MUST HAVE ENJOYED THIS HUMILIATION! It was a waste of time and a waste of my dignity. HUGE REGRET. Don’t have sex with him. Get a vibrator as chump lady suggests.

  • Did anyone read ” seven reasons to forgive the other woman ” on huffington report yesterday? It made me nauseated! Then I watched , The way way back , staring Steve Carrell and Toni Collette , it was like looking at myself as a true Chump back last year. I think if we all could step outside and see ourselves playing the ” pick me dance,” we would see we deserve so much more than what they give us. Don’t sleep with him, you will only make yourself small again.

  • Thank you for the replies. I thought I was going crazy and was being betrayed by my own body! The more weekly therapy sessions we do together are really helping me understand the clown I’m involved with. No…I’m NOT doing the nasty with him and he is bummed out by that.

    His excellent word-smithing skills twist his mental recollection of the FACTS. My lack of “meeting his needs” post children mantra has opened my eyes to the selfish person he IS. The compartmentalizing of his two lives gave him the comfort to justify what he did with a conscious lack of regard for the four kids whose lives he messed with, as well as mine.

    All the foggy points are coalescing into a clearer picture. I still haven’t done any legal paperwork….although I’ve had the best Family Law people recommended to me and I’ve seen them all. (My attorney friends took care of me and told me to visit them ALL, because once I’ve established contact with them, my spouse cannot engage them or ANY other attorneys in their practice- conflict of interest. I did not know that!). My State has a lovely thing here called Alienation of Affection where I can sue the skank. This is a nice thought in my back pocket. I know I’m angry, pissed etc… and a sueing her is just redirecting my anger on destroying her “Christian” reputation, her career, her marriage, her life (no kids, but a lot of toys). I keep thinking she’s also responsible. She enjoyed playing the wife to my husband and enjoyed all the fun bits of coupledom, that I think she should also be financially responsible for supporting the four children whose lives she helped destroy.

    Enough of the rant. I appreciate ALL of the advice and comments. I’m a slow mover. I like being organized in how I deal with things. I’m getting my ducks in a row in order to hurtle over the next mound of crapola. Thank you!

  • kb you hit the nail on the head … that is what’s going on with me. She is ‘committed’ to getting better and turning her life around cuz she got caught. She’s had over one dozen affairs since we’ve been married. This recent one a friend of hers ratted her out to me and also exposed several of her other affairs too.

    Me? Yeah I worked 80-90 hours a week, was nearly killed on the job, got the kids to their activities when I could, cooked, did laundry, made all the repairs around the house, remodeled almost every room, built a huge deck for her, put in a pool, privacy fence, and a patio. She critiqued everything I did down to the minutest, insignificant issue.

    I love my girls that came out of this ‘marriage’ but I really wish that I never met her.

  • For me it certainly wasn’t the “naked pick me dance”. It was primal and I needed it. I wanted it. Look, I didn’t know if I was going to divorce him or not. He didn’t want a divorce. If I did get divorced I knew it was probably going to be a long dry spell for me. And, sorry, a BOB is just. not. the. same. So, I used him, while I debated what I was going to do. He was going to give me fucking orgasms, he owed me. He was going to work his ass off to please me sexually, and he did. Big time. I wasn’t trying to prove anything, he had to prove himself to me.

    • eew, that’s disguising and you sound like you need therapy (major self esteem issues is just one thing that pops out immediately..)

      • Whatever, MB. You are “disguising” with your judgmental ass. You can’t say what is right or wrong for each individual. Everyone is different. I am awesome and kick ass! No self esteem issues here.

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