Dear Chump Lady, Should I confront him about his emotional affair?

Jill,

I wouldn’t be surprised if turns out that your husband is having a physical affair; however, I agree with CL that you need more info before you deploy the nuclear option.

In my case, my cheating ex-wife (when outed by our then 12-year-old son) admitted to an affair she claimed was several years in the past and an emotional involvement with someone she claimed she’d never met in person but with whom she felt an attraction to. My first instinct was to divorce, but my mom (married 50+ years now to my not-easy-to-live-with dad) told me I should try to reconcile if the only physical affair was years in the past and she was truly remorseful and would work to make things right. So I tried. I mean, I really, really tried. Committed fully, despite the pain. You will not be surprised to find out that (spoiler alert!) the affair she claimed was many years in the past had continued long after she claimed, the “emotional affair” turned out to be a full-blown (pun intended) physical affair, and there were other affairs to boot.

But you know what? I’m glad I tried. I’m glad I was a chump-to-the-bone, if only for a couple of weeks. Because when I finally did file for divorce (upon learning that she was continuing a physical affair even while we ere in “reconciliation”) I did it knowing I had done everything in my power to same my marriage and my sons’ family. Which was a huge relief, and which made it easier to hold fast to my decision, to explain to my kids (in age appropriate terms) what happened, and even eventually to start a new life. I know I wasn’t a perfect husband in my first marriage, but also know that my ex-wife’s cheating and the end of that marriage were caused by her and were beyond my ability to prevent. I’m not broken. I’m not a bad spouse. I was just duped and swindled.

I pray your marriage can be saved. But if it can’t, I would hope that you find the peace and decisiveness that I found by going a little further even when I felt I couldn’t take another step.

I found the ‘Not Just Friends’ book really helpful w/understanding when a friendship slips into an EA. I agree that hiding the friendship, keeping the spouse and the friend apart, or lying about or ‘not mentioning’ how often you see the person or how much time you spend together is a big sign things have gone over the line.

But you can have a ‘friendship’ that looks fine from the outside, but is still inappropriate and undermines your relationship w/your life partner. That happens when you start to feel more emotionally connected to your friend than your spouse, when you tell your friend things you don’t tell your spouse, when you talk to your friend about problems in your marriage and it’s NOT about how to resolve them, when you want to connect w/your friend more than w/your spouse when something important happens ….

And from a close friendship to an EA to a physical affair is a VERY slippery slope, starts moving fast and very hard to stop! People often don’t intend to go down that road …. And that’s why one of the ways I make sure I stay monogamous is by not having friendships w/people I find even a bit attractive – ever!!

So I agree that seeing how your husband reacts and how he behaves in the long-term is going to be the big determinant of whether there’s a future for your marriage or not. Although it couldn’t really hurt to try to confirm whether really only an EA, before asking him about it ….

I’ve long held the belief that people of the opposite sex (assuming they are heterosexual) cannot spend a lot of alone time together and be “just friends.” I’ve been ridiculed for this belief, but I’m not backing down from it. I know I’m right.

xH used to spend a lot of alone time with female co-workers, and would hide it from me, or, if I found out and wanted to join them, would tell me I was not invited. It annoyed me; he was very open about the fact that he was infatuated with these women (and, in one case, very attached to a young male co-worker, as well, perhaps someone he idolized or wished to be more like.) I begged him not to treat me like he did, to no avail. I never believed any of these women would return his affection, that he was making an ass of himself. Who knows?

I work with married men I find very attractive, even if not initially physically. I enjoy their company immensely. I have a very clear boundary–I do not spend alone time with them, or limit it strictly to necessity only, and often turn the conversation to their wives and children, and how honorable they are for being good husbands and fathers. I refuse to have anything in common with the whore who wedged herself into my family (with xH’s full support.)

I believe that emotional intimacy outside a marriage, with someone unrelated, IS always a threat to a marriage. I completely agree with CL’s advice here, though I am more skeptical of the letter writer’s husband’s story.

I have (had?) a once-dear friend who engaged in an emotional relationship with her now-boyfriend, who left his wife for my friend. She insists they were not physically intimate until he moved out of the family home. I say she is the catalyst in the breakdown of that marriage. I hate it when she posts pictures of his kids with her and their father on FB, as I know this must be incredibly painful to the ex-wife. The dumb boyfriend, who all the other friends now adore, just bragged on FB about how much money he has spent on my friend for Christmas–and he has 4 kids and an ex-wife! I am absolutely appalled that they flaunt their relationship. They have bought all the cliches, that “The marriage was over anyway,” and, “It takes two,” and, “Well, if a man’s not happy…” and it makes me just sick. I am considering ending my friendship in one fell-swoop comment on her FB page. I would like to remind her that those kids have a mother who spent Thanksgiving without her own children, through no fault of her own. My (ex?) friend’s glee is another mother’s despair. All caused by an emotional affair.

Most of us are here because emotional affairs became physical, and were concealed. (Others are here because their spouses fuck indiscriminately, I understand.)

Emotional affairs are the gateway to the end of a marriage. And, as others have posted, it truly is the stolen emotional intimacy that is the most painful part of an affair–at least for me (all wrapped up in stolen time and money, and risk of STD’s, etc.) But, like several have commented, it’s possible the husband is truly clueless and would be devastated to know that he has caused his wife pain. I doubt it. I think he chooses to spend time with a woman who is not his wife (nor is his mother or sister or aunt or grandma…daughter…) If he’s not sexless, he’s at least thinking about his platonic friend sexually. Believe it. It’s amazing how passion can lead to pathetic rationalization, and then stupidity and lies. I’m just not buying it. Might not be too late to rescue things, so it’s certainly worth the effort.

Well, I cannot tell you all how grateful I am for ALL of your comments and encouragement. I have to say that Chump Lady was right on with her advice. She read between the lines of my inquiry – that I wanted to protect myself from being hurt before I even knew how he would react.

SO, here is the update. I confronted him – in a good, private setting while I was calm and while telling myself to really listen to what he had to say and what was not being said. He admitted the inappropriate friendship, admitted to being wrong about it, and was relieved to finally be discussing it with me and have it out in the open. He apologized for hurting me, for betraying me, for hurting our family, and for potentially wrecking our marriage. He agreed without hesitation to completely end the friendship and to not play tennis with her or on a team that she is on ever again. He answered every single question I asked. He denied any physical relationship including sex, hugging, holding hands, anything. He agreed to talk for several more hours that night. He found me awake early the next morning and encouraged more talking. He is remorseful.

His reasons for the relationship are (in no particular order): he needed a friend/support while I was not really being that for him (a little true), she seemed to be a person who needed help and support, their personalities “clicked,” and “I don’t really know.”

So now I will observe his actions and see how things go over time. We have some work to do to resolve the problems in our marriage that led him down that path. One major issue is his lack of appropriate friendships. We plan to work on that. Another issue is the things I did to contribute to the problems in our marriage. My contributions are NOT EQUAL and he agrees, but nonetheless, I have made mistakes in communicating my needs and my expectations and in being angry about where we live geographically, so I will be working on those.

We have resolved to support and love each other and try to make our marriage impenetrable to others and to this type of intrusion. It feels like a fresh start. I don’t want to always be a chump or be fooled, so I am continuing cautiously, but right now it feels pretty good. I hope the work that we do to explore this problem, what led to it, and what was missing from our relationship will prevent it from happening ever again. Time will tell.

I’m SO grateful for this forum. It took me from coward to empowerment on this topic. I can’t thank you enough.