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She’s a Home Wrecker


Some of you might’ve seen the buzz lately on a new Cheaterville-esque site called ShesAHomewrecker.com. HuffPo just wrote a piece about it and quoted me, saying nothing says “you are beneath contempt” like filing for divorce. Let ’em have ’em. Don’t confront (or expose) affair partners, it’s not worth your precious mental energy.

One writer commented that the site actually makes you feel sorry for the OW, like it’s a mean girl attack by the wife. Which is a VERY good argument, IMO, why you shouldn’t use a site like that — the last thing you want is sympathy for the devil. There is much societal hang wringing about “slut shaming.” And attacking an OW for being an OW is considered slut shaming in many quarters. Hey, she’s gotta be free to explore her sexuality her way, blah blah blah. There are two sides to every story. Maybe the wife was batshit crazy and sexless. We now know she’s MEAN. You know the drill, chumps.

“Home wrecker” strikes me as rather an old fashioned term for the site. It’s a word with quaint notions of societal condemnation. Does anyone say “Home wrecker” any more? I think just saying it puts you in this square camp of People Who Judge, which will immediately confer sympathy on the person you are judging. Maybe someone will come up with StoneATrollope.com next.

I understand the impulse behind a site like ShesAHomewrecker — the people that post that is — the creators are probably purely profiting on pain. They want some justice. They want to take a little of their own back. They want this woman who stole from them to be publicly humiliated, because SHE the chump was humiliated. I get it.

Someone my ex chumped posted a profile on him on Cheaterville.com. I gotta say, I was more than a bit titillated to see it, confirmation of what I already knew — he’s a serial cheater and he hasn’t changed one bit. Will that profile actually ward off anyone who wants to date him? I doubt it. In fact, just like the Homewrecker site, it might make him an object of sympathy. Bitches be crazy! How he explains away three (maybe more) ex-wives, I have no idea — but he’s a lawyer and people still date the guy. I hope that profile gives them pause (assuming they ever go looking for it), but I tend to doubt it. People believe what they want to believe.

It’s very tempting to think, oh, there should be public registry for these creeps. But look — you’re dealing with disordered people — what’s to stop them from making a fictitious profile on you? I say don’t poke that skunk.

The most effective way to shame an OW or your cheater, IMO, is to find your dignity and draw your boundaries. Go no contact. Let them have each other. Let your silence communicate your disgust. Oh, do tell other folks you know what happened, for SURE. But then live your life of integrity. Go succeed without them. You want to broadcast something? Broadcast your awesome new life.

Cheaters suck. They keep on sucking. OW usually learn quite painfully, and quite quickly exactly how not special they are. They dance the pick me dance. They live with the paranoia. If you think it takes a shitload of spackle to be a chump, imagine how much more spackle you need to be an OW? They live their hell. They don’t need a profile from you. Look for them a few years later on www.KarmasABitchLOL.com

 

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • My wife really is special: she qualifies for both this site AND Cheaterville. But I’ll pass on posting on them — life’s a little too short.

  • My brother was the chump. Even with children he did the NC route. No pictures, nothing left to remind him. He was also lucky enough to have the funds to move….so no house memories either. He got full custody and never looked back. Never said anything bad about her, just let it go. This was after several months of pure anguish but he persevered and went on to have a great life, a wonderful wife and more kids. Most people want to pull a Lorena Bobbitt, or run over the guy like that Harris woman in Texas but in this digital age even something much less severe can be on the net forever. Don’t make a fool of yourself. He/she isn’t worth it.

    • I hope I can go on to a life like your brother. I have gone NC route. It is so difficult, but I know it is the best thing I can do for myself and my children. My STBX and his OW will experience karma in the end.

  • Tracy, you nailed it! “Let the have each other”.

    That’s exactly what they have. Each other and fuck all else. One left his family in New Zealand with a struggling young teenager( won’t go into it but he needs to get his arse back there and be a father! The other pays token time to her sons putting her fuck buddy before them.
    They have no one visit apart from her parents and sister. This romantic fantasy is purely that when they have nothing else to sacrifice it will fade like a autum leaf, whither and die.
    The home wrecker thing is interesting. There’s a place to warn people about nut cases who set out to take husbands or wives without thinking about the consequences. Just locally I’ve seen some horror stories. Complete beak downs, attempted suisides ,and children left in the lurch. Some of its criminal but of course adultery law has been adjusted for some time.

    • Yep. That’s all my XWH and the Owife have– each other. I never see them apart. I never see them with other people (the Owife hangs with a neighbor sometimes, but only when XWH is busy). Heck, I never see them out anywhere. They’ve blown up their families, and XWH has lost all the respect that he had from my friends and family, and since neither of them are from here, they have no social network whatsoever. It sounds stifling at best and pathetic at worst. I don’t need to shame them on a site; they’ve done an admirable job of crapping up their lives without my interference. My kids are figuring this out on their own as well.

      • My ex’s parents are dead, he does not speak to his only brother and he has no other family. Our 3 beautiful and successful children do not speak to him, my large extended family despise him. He is a pariah in our community since he acted like a loving family man and husband till caught–nobody likes a fake. He never married the “main” OW as he promised her after I kicked him out on D-Day. He picks up random women in bars and still probably sees OW when he needs to. I made more money than him, so he gave that up along with a beautiful family who loved him.

        He has certainly crapped up his own life and I am not sure what he does or how he gets through a day now. That’s his problem. I have moved on and am engaged to be remarried, our children have decided they are happier without him. MEH!

  • Tracy, I agree with you 100%. To me no contact is no contact and that includes not posting anything about them on any site. With my ex’s first two affairs, I confronted the OWs, and in a gracious manner. No screaming, no unkindness, just telling them calmly that I knew. The first one was newly married (6 months) and she begged me not to tell her husband. I assured her I won’t and I didn’t. She told him because she was terrified I would tell him. He threw her out and promptly divorced her. Second OW did the pick me dance after my ex left her to come back to me. By the third OW, I just felt exactly what you wrote – they deserve each other. No confrontation at all and no desire whatsoever. She knows what she’s getting so she’s been warned. It’s natural to want to lash out but in the end, it’s a complete waste of energy. Energy that chumps can invest on themselves and their new and better life.

  • I made two very powerful moves this past year.

    I refrained from responding to a “Letter of Concern” from the whore that was actually written at work by her and X. It was a resume of sorts, telling me how sympathetic about my situation and fabulous she was all at once. My silence to that piece of garbage gave me my dignity back. And as a bonus, my NC pissed them off so much, the emails sent by X the following week gave me everything I needed to prove my case against an abusive, delusional, asshole husband.

    The second thing I did was by accident. I found “ChumpLady.com,” and read every post and response from its inception. CL validated my feelings of utter disgust and hurt. And gave me the strength to continue to hold my head high along with my tongue.

    Both worked beautifully, and I feel alive again.

    Maybe someday, if CL has a place on her blog for “Crazy” I’ll share the bimbo’s and X’s “Letter of Concern.” I’m sure everyone here has a similar copy.

    • Oh yes yes yes, Chutes, please share when appropriate. It must be a real gem. I’m sure they thought you were such a chump you’d cave to whatever he wanted. So glad your ex’s rage over your NC was useful to you! Karma truly can be a bitch.

  • Providing a forum where a chump can truthfully and without spackle or euphemism describe the betrayal they and their family have endured at the hands of a cheater, and the devastating effects of that betrayal, without being branded as bitter or boring or bat-shit crazy, is just one of the many vital services that this site provides.

    • I agree. I had a few “low rent” moments with XH’s OW – I WAS bat sh*t crazy for awhile – but once I let it go, I found peace. I wished I’d done it sooner.

      And yes, that karma bus DOES come back around. Trust that they suck AND that the bus ALWAYS makes a return trip…

      • “that karma bus DOES come back around”

        Statements like this is why, however tough it is, optimism is good. Well said.

  • I want to contact the OW I’d like her to know that he is cake eating with her on some level the same as me. Let her know some of the things he has said about her to me, or maybe forward some of his more loving text messages to meof recent vintage. I won’t but I want to.

  • I don’t know any words that say it better than “Trust that they suck.” Once you truly digest that, the rest becomes easier. Not easy, but a little less difficult. Because once you truly understand that your ex SUCKED, and that they will continue to suck no matter who they are with, you realize the best possible course is to scrape that shit off your shoe and move on.

      • GIO,

        You are so right! Intellectually, you can accept it, but it may take awhile to truly internalize it.

        I had an IC session where I had an OMG! AHA! moment, while I was reading Lundy Bancroft’s book. I realized that while I had been willing to say that I was an emotionally abused woman, and had been for years, I had never consciously or subconsciously labeled my STBX an abuser. In that way, what I had believed, but never acknowledged, was that it was something about ME that caused him to abuse me. It wasn’t that he was an abuser, it was that I was flawed and he was just motivated to abuse me. When I recognized that he emotionally abused me because he is an abuser, it was another step away from him and toward Meh.

        It was then that Chump Lady’s “trust that they suck!” popped into my head. He does suck and he doesn’t suck because of me. He sucks because of HIM.

        • Thanks for that, CP! This describes my attitude so well. I thought (often still think) thst I have emotional abuse coming to me. But when I see how wife can treat our sons sometimes … Well I know THEY dont have it coming. So the problem is her.

  • I did post something nasty on one of my ex’s OW’s Facebook page on the day after D-Day (we were family “friends”), but I stupidly told ex what I did and he warned her to immediately take it down. Sigh….I have to admit it was therapeutic to vent my rage in that way, but NC truly is better. These pathologicals thrive on attention, confirms their “specialness” in their own minds.

    I soon afterward came to hope they they are trapped together for all eternity, like two narcissistic sociopaths in a pod. (Unfortunately my ex does not appear to be able to be faithful to OW either…surprise!) God forbid my ex is let loose on some normal unsuspecting woman. I do worry about that sometimes, because he does sparkle so well.

    • Kelly,
      I would love to do the same but since I don’t want it traced somehow and because I live in a small town and these girls really ARE whores (drugs) I won’t. Thank god for CL!!!

  • I never liked the term “Home-Wrecker” because it puts ALL of the focus on the OW, it (borderline) victimizes the poor cheating husband into a poor, unsuspecting fly trapped in the Vixen’s web, and all but inflates the OW into some sort of nefarious, Siren-like femme fatale whose charm just CAN’T. BE. RESISTED.

    In short, the term gives the OW wayyyy too much credit. Remember how mind-fucked cheaters and cheat-partners are from the outset. People used to think that a term like that had Scarlett Letter-like implications. But people also thought that that General Eisenhower guy should totally run for President some day.

    Nowadays, a term like “Home-Wrecker” is pure EgoKibble: “Look how FABULOUS I am! I’m so gorgeous and sparkly and amazing that that married man just couldn’t resist my amazingness!”

    Nevermind the fact that this image is buttressed by Size 4, big-titted Alyssa Milano in her very own TV series, which just adds to the manufactured mystique of the otherwise disordered “Mistress.”

    Other Women are simply that: The Other Woman. Not a Venus Fly Trap (despite what some cheating husbands want you to believe). For me personally, I never thought much about my ex’s cheat partner simply because it wasn’t about him. Sure, he had a part in the destruction of my relationship, but my ex could’ve cheated on me with ANYBODY. This was about my ex’s actions and choices. That’s where the focus should be.

    Trying to deconstruct an OW’s skullduggery is just you sending them “You’re So Special!” vibes through the ether. Fuck that. They don’t need that kind of reassurance. Let them and your cheaters be miserable together. That’s usually how it ends up….

    • I put the OW on cheaterville and within 6 months she crawled back to her hometown and the hole she crawled out of. She would contact my husband every 3-4 months and feel him out, after he broke it off with her. After I posted she moved out of state!! And trust me, the photo of her I posted– not flattering, and the best part was I copied it off her google+ page–lol. So for me it removed one problem.

    • That’s how I feel about STBX. Sure, he cheated on me with OW, but he could have cheated with anybody. OW has had affairs with other married men, and slept with at least 3 other men in management at STBX’s company before she left. I once warned STBX that he needed to be very careful around OW, as she was one of those women who interprets any kindness as a sexual overture.

      It’s easy to say that OW threw herself at him, but while that might be true, if STBX had any sort of integrity, he’d have not gone along.

      Apparently “cheating” is one of the tools in his toolbox. He takes it out every once in a while when he feels otherwise overwhelmed.

  • I have never thought it was a good idea to engage the OW on any level. Many of them, and in my case in particular, they WANT you to treat them like they matter and they captured a prize from you. The best way to really get back at them is to treat both of them as if neither what they did, nor they, matter. As the saying goes, the best way to get back at the cheaters is to let them have each other. I had done the pick me dance so many times for so many years that the Baboon’s Ass has been thoroughly confused by my apparent equanimity whenever I have the misfortune of crossing his path. In the beginning they both feasted on his reports of my emotional devastation. She had been after him for so long it made her feel superior to “poor” me, and she fed him pithy words to use when speaking to me, like “we have done a great job of raising wonderful children and you should be happy about that,” and “there should be no reason that this can’t be done in a civil manner.” No reason except you’re a fucking cheating, deceitful, lying, back-stabbing flaming Turd from Satan’s ass. Once I started ignoring him (and thus, them) they both ran out of “pithy” sayings to direct to me. Ignoring the OW is a much better and, in the end, a much more satisfying proposition.

    I will not deny that I still have hurt feelings. After 28 years in and 7 months out, of course I do. I acknowledge that and do whatever I can to process and work through those feelings every day. I wish “Meh” came in a bottle that I could drink, but alas it doesn’t, so I have to do this emotional work the hard way. In the meantime, I don’t plan on allowing the OW to suck up any more air than she already has.

    • CP,
      I texted and fb’d the OW a few times and totally wish I could take those back. I agree that she fed off of that energy. NC with OW has felt tremendous for the last 5 months. With X I have been as NC as possible except about the finances. I notice that when I ignore him for long periods of time (a month, say) he pulls some financial BS like giving our son his car and telling him I agreed to that. I ignore as much as possible.

      Like you, I am 33 years in and 6 months out, so I am still feeling raw. I wish I could fast forward through the next year and a half, because I know I will be so much better at 2 years out. But again, as you say, I have to do the emotional work to come through healthy on the other side. And fuck X and the OW–not worth the negative energy.

      I appreciate all of your posts. You have such a way with words!

    • You are hilarious and awesome Princess. Yeah if Meh could come in bottles, one of us would be perfectly happy and rich. Anyhow, you are right, they thrive on our angst, fuck them. My ex’s main OW’s pithy comments included: “you can’t help who you love”–yeah, but you can help not managing to tell your respective spouses for 17 years…..

      Oh, and true love has not panned out for them once they were both free….sigh…I think I’m Meh but then I do enjoy the fact that it has not worked out for them so maybe I’m not…

      ANYHOW, Princess, I love your attitude and your word choices. Your comments ALWAYS make me smile, even on dreary, difficult and long days.

      THANK YOU! (((Hugs)))

      • It always fascinates me how stupid adults can be about the relationship they don’t have yet. I say F*@K true love. I bet Romeo and Juliet wouldn’t have been so crazy about each other if their families didn’t disapprove and would’ve grown into meh middle aged adults about each other. If anyone ever tells me I’m their soul mate again I’m going to punch him. If I ever believe that again I’m going to punch myself.

        Sorry Kelly, I’m feeling violent today. Just not surprised that their (ex and ow) love didn’t flourish once the obstacles were removed. My stupid STX husband I think had it in his head that “us” was going to be different than his first marriage and not require work, sacrifice or being an adult. Silly me, I thought he left his first marriage because his ex was classic BPD. Not because he thought love was all roses and Karaoke every weekend. Fortunately I never had to deal with any OW that I knew of but I’m sure with each new girl he’ll continue to chase vagina love windmills. He’s going for them younger now. I think they’re easier to fool. When I was 25 I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near a 41 year old. But that was just me.

        • Kat,

          Why apologize for feeling violent every now and again? It is perfectly normal to daydream about slapping on a hockey-type mask, grabbing a chainsaw and going after someone who caused us such devastating pain. We Chumps have to grab our gusto wherever we can. Trust me – there’s been a couple of times I’ve heard about a catastrophic occurrence somewhere and listen, hoping to hear the Baboon’s Ass’s name listed as one of the victims. I recognize it is small of me and I eventually “regulate” myself, but in that moment I know I would not shed a tear.

          I’m sure true love is possible, just not with the personality or character disordered.

          (((Hugs)))

          • Ooooh, I do that too (hoping to hear ex’s name when there is fiery crash on interstate). I’ve done it since someone here (I forget who, sorry) told her STBX on D-Day to go die in a fire). Glad I’m not the only one!!

          • A few weeks ago I found out one of my cats had a terminal tumour. If I could wave a magic wand and swap her suffering to my STBXH I would. I am aware how far from ‘meh!’ that statement is and that it probably makes me a ‘bad’ person but I would do it if I could. This is the only place where I dare admit that though.

            • It doesn’t make you a bad person as far as I’m concerned. Back when my ex lived nearby, whenever I’d hear sirens I would pray something had happened to him, rather than some undeserving person.

        • I know, right? Is their time horizon so short that they can’t take a look around and see that NOBODY stays infatuated and “in love” into middle age or even past the first kid? The ex took up with a woman 17 years younger and it was a “healthy relationship” according to him. Delusional.

          His mother recently died well into her eighties. At some point I guess you’d have to say “she let herself go” and probably her husband would have been entitled to leave her and go get happy, but he didn’t. Wherever this came from, it wasn’t role modeled for him.

          I’m with you, an older man when I was that age was a stone cold turn off. Plus, it pissed me off to have them hit on me because I knew the presumption was that I was stupid enough to buy that bullshit.

          • Once the initial hormones, infatuation and horniness dies down in any relationship, you see true character (or lack thereof). Real life is mostly routine and can be boring. That’s the point at which a mature person MAKES A DECISION to stick with the relationship, understanding that there are ups and downs, but it’s the long haul that counts. Sure, you need to feel some attraction and love for your partner, absolutely. But more than anything, for a relationship to work, you have to simply decide every day that THIS is the person you chose, THIS is the person you are faithful to, THIS is the person you will stay with.

            The disordered, the immature and the self-absorbed cannot make that decision, because they are empty and bored inside. They require constant outside stimulation, attention and excitement just to feel alive. There is no way they can “settle” for the comfort of a decades-long relationship. That’s too boring for them. They have to constantly sniff out the new, feel the excitement and the highs. They tell themselves each time that “this is the one” but as soon as the hormones stop peaking, they will be bored and looking for a piece of strange. And they will always blame the partner for the inevitable end, claiming the partner just wasn’t exciting enough, or they didn’t feel passion, or whatever.

            It’s an endless cycle for the disordered.

            • Mine thinks love is deserved and not earned. The thrill of someone feeding his ego matters more because it requires less effort on his part. I know that the initial excitement wears off but valued trust, companionship and years of memories above sexual thrill.

            • My stbxh told me that exact thing…that he didn’t want to settle for anything less than an exciting life. He felt that excitement with her and no longer felt it with me, so he left. It’s exactly like in paragraph 2.

              • During bogus reconciliation, I asked my ex if he loved me. Simple yes or no question, right? His reply was, “I need a lot of zest and excitement in my life. If only you could provide that, I could give you your heart’s desire.” He was happier getting “liked” by strangers on Facebook than having the steady, yet less exciting, love of a good wife.

              • GladIt’sOver, mine used the word “spark”… Expecting someone to provide unlimited, continuous zest and spark is just an incredible expectation to put on another person or on a relationship. No to mention the immaturity of expecting the zest to last forever, in the same way as at the beginning… I guess people who think the zest needs to be there or else they leave, are the people that will be always going from one person to the next in search of that lemony fresh feeliing…

        • Try Miss 22 and Mr 49 with a 16 year old daughter. Seriously????? I think it’s gross personally but he is probably older than her mother and if they can live with it…who am I to judge? Idiots the lot of them!

        • “If anyone ever tells me I’m their soul mate again I’m going to punch him. If I ever believe that again I’m going to punch myself.”

          Kat, you are a woman after my own heart. Prior to the relationship with the demented a-hole, I thought that everyone had a good heart and the best of intentions. Then my delusional beliefs punched me hard, right where it hurt the most. Only then did I wake up out of my Disney-driven stupor.

        • Don’t be sorry, see my comment below, I think we need to vent the anger and frustration somewhere! These narcissists are just hollow and dumb, and completely self absorbed. They get worse as they age, think of where they’ll be in 10 more years– good riddance!

    • “Flaming Turd from Satan’s Ass!” Hahahahahahahah! I can see My Turd hurling out of Satan’s Ass like it is polluting him being in there! CP Thanks for the laughs!

      • I think I’ve written here about my glitter on a turd, maybe not. A year or so ago, at my therapist’s recommendation, I bought some of that Fimo craft clay. I got a nice, crap-color brown, and molded it into the shape of a turd. I dried it in the oven, then coated it with a nice, thick layer of sparkly, gold, glitter-glue.

        I keep that glittering turd tucked away in my bedroom, and whenever I forget what my ex REALLY is, I take it out for a reminder.

  • Just a little note. I have a friend who just bided her time after he left her for the OW. Took him several years but he told her it was the dumbest thing he had ever done. Too bad. By then she didn’t give a shit and sent him on his way.

  • I just took a look at the Home wrecker site and think it’s hilarious. I wouldn’t have been surprised if my ex wife was on there considering she hooked up with other married men.

    I have to say if that’s the worst thing a betrayed spouse does by profiling the OW then it’s not a big deal compared to violence or even murder which unfortunately happens in some situations.

    I find it ironic how the Huffington post article suggests sympathy for the poor OW who is publicly vilified by crazed betrayed spouses. There’s a prevalent stereotype that betrayed spouses must adhere to a higher standard of their actions than the cheaters themselves.

    This world is so fucked up.

  • You know you’re right PF. The betrayed spouses have to have their heads on straight and their emotions intact, but the OW’s are allowed their part in messing up everyones’ lives for “true love”. WTF????

    • Well affair partners do it for luuurve….and everyone knows the betrayed spouse caused their spouse to cheat. So just suck it in and take the high road….I say fuck that.

  • Like Joni Mitchell said, “She’s a vengeful little goddess with a mighty, mighty hurt”. I did not take kindly to betrayal. I ran the gamut from Wuthering Heights to Norman Bates mostly in my own head. I absolutely told the OW’s about their unwitting sisterhood. It was a significant pleasure to tell each about the other and then watch the calls come in to my hapless husband who had to “take it like a man”. And then I told their husbands. I pretty much left hubby’s fukfest in ruins. Which was just a sliver of solace to hold on to because I was pretty sure my grief was going to kill me. Can I get a witness?!? I did the pick me, I love you – no I hate you, basically everything our brilliant Tracy describes. And I promise, I’m not advocating any of this. I wish I could have been that tall graceful refusal to emote, but I was just a chump who looks awful when she’s undone. I asked for an apology card and the heartless basturd told me Walmart didn’t have any without batting an eye. It’s so incomprehensibly awful when you find out that your husband is really just the monster that fooled you. So I think that might be why we lash out at the OW. That singularly revolting jolt of mindfuk energy has got to land somewhere. Anyway, I digress. What I wanted to say is that I found a site (Godsend?) that allows you to do a petition for any reason. Thousands of people read and vote on your petition. And there are millions of them. So someone would have to type “so and so is a whore who sleeps with other people’s husbands” or one of the two other versions to find them in web land. But I still get a smidge of satisfaction knowing that 10,000 people agreed with me. I am training my brain to do Jedi mind tricks and planning a happy divorce party for the holidays.

    • Danette,

      “It’s so incomprehensibly awful when you find out that your husband is really just the monster that fooled you.” THIS!!! How does a human being survive that kind of duplicity and thrive? And yet, here we are, survivors of the Marriage Zombie Apocalypse.

      Whenever my mind plays cruel tricks on me by drifting back to those good times and sentimentality starts creeping in, I force fast forward my thinking to myself bleeding tears on the inside and outside as the Baboon’s Ass from Hell looked at me with contempt and exited the room. I continuously remind myself that’s who he really is – a cold, calculating, selfish, self-aborbed, soulless, conscienceless Pig-Faced Alien.

      The force is strong in you Danette. (((Hugs)))

      • I needed to read this today. I allowed myself earlier to feel nostalgic for a special family event that my X and my boys attended today with his latest GF – such a happy little family outing. (Gag). I needed to have my mind directed back to the cold, mean way he looked at me as I begged him to reconsider walking out on our marriage of 20 years and our two children. Disordered sociopaths despise weakness – and thrive on the power they have over us. I am all about the NC now, and it is so good to feel like I am getting some power and strength back.

        • “I needed to have my mind directed back to the cold, mean way he looked at me as I begged him to reconsider walking out on our marriage of 20 years and our two children. Disordered sociopaths despise weakness…”

          Yup, that says it all. Do they all read “Sociopath for Dummies”? I mean they all do the same f*cking thing!

  • I reminded myself of the Joni Mitchell song (which I haven’t heard in years – and so slaughtered the lyric in my last post). But seriously, this may be one of the classic chump songs of all time!

    • CLASSIC album! But to be honest, I always found “…Sorrow” to be about female empowerment, while the title track (“The Hissing of the Summer Lawns”) was about pure chumpdom— A wife is treated as one of her husband’s upper-middle-class accessories, right alongside his lawn sprinklers.

      What an amazing, underrated album. Joni was at the top of her game throughout the ENTIRE 1970s (and did NOT, like the critics want you to believe, peak with “Court and Spark”).

      • Clap clap clap. Joni’s my homegirl — sorta — went to art school in my town and started performing here too. Love her!

      • Aaaahhhh…Joni
        She got me through some life!
        I personally love ‘Down to You’-
        It’s down to you, Constant Stranger
        You’re a brute, you’re an angel
        You can crawl, you can fly, too
        It’s down to you
        It all comes down to you.

        The whole song is poignant and gorgeous, just love her spirit.

        • So many amazing songs on so many albums… Chris, Harry’s House Centerpiece – the ultimate chump freedom anthem.

  • I am pro-posting. Not to directly confront the Other Person through Facebook, Google+, texting etc., but to warn others. When I was single, I would take the person’s full name, cell number, and email address, and run those through various search engines. I would also visit places like dontdatehimgirl.com, cheaterville.com, and sections on craigslist.org where those who had been burned would post warnings. I found adverse information about 5 people who I might have otherwise dated. We were just in the initial trading emails phase, so I merely dropped them/blocked them. (One good reason to take it slow in the beginning… you want to do your due diligence first!) Also I realized that you can safely assume that a significant percentage of those who have personal ads out there are married, so I’ve always started with that being my assumption until I have enough information to confirm otherwise. I am very grateful to those who have performed an electronic Paul Revere for me and I hope that others continue to do so in the future.

  • I didn’t even know any of these kinds of sites existed until someone posted something about one of the OW on one of them and the news got around to me. Ex thinks it was me, of course, but I’m happy to report that it was not. I have a fairly good idea which well-meaning friend did it but can’t prove it and no one is confessing. I wish it hadn’t happened because it’s just one more thing that keeps coming up and gives ex another ‘reason’ as to why I’m a horrible person he just HAD to cheat on repeatedly. Whatever. The sites are stupid and childish and I recommend staying away from them.

  • When I was so “interested” in my ex’s first two OWs, it was my way of deflecting the blame from my ex because I needed to make him look better for me to justify to myself that he was worth it. Another form of spackling, for sure. With all the spackling gone and seeing him for who he is, the current OW is simply part of the background.

  • As much as I loathe OW, who, IMO betrayed my trust, as we had become friends through her working with my STBX; the cheating certainly couldn’t have happened without my husband as a willing participant.

    I have to have contact with my daughter’s father, obviously, but I go to great lengths never to engage or run into OW. However, I have to eat the shit sandwich of her doing things with my 15 year old daughter. (Who thinks she’s fun and likes doing things with her. Maybe because she’s 20 years younger than I.) This is the worst part of this entire mess. She can have my cheating STBX. Good luck with that. But I feel my heart get torn out of my chest anytime my daughter is with her.

    That said, I would never waste the time nor mental real estate it would take to place her on the Homewrecker or Cheaterville sites. That is simply sinking as low or lower than the cheaters.

    I may just as well go on the Jerry Springer Show. Ugh.

  • Hi Jazzvox,

    I have had the year of Jerry Springer….the OW was, in this case, Ex’s former sister inlaw, so, ‘Auntie’ to darling daughter.

    DD asked me at one, point, do you not feel angry or vengeful to the OW (who DD cannot stand, now shacked up with her donor….er… dad). i said, well, she was an adult you trusted, and she lied to you, but the main punishment for being A**** is being A****.

    It is like other threads, those who matter don’t mind, those who mind…..not wasting any further tears or sweat about her. Whole town knows what she did.

    At least and at last, DD and I are voting with our feet and changing countries in January. Cannot wait. OW, meanwhile, is the consolation prize. Dad’s dick more important to him that his daughter, now and always.

    There is no shaming the shameless.

    M

    • ‘There is no shaming the shameless’.
      This is so true. I was tempted to put the OW on Cheaterville in the first couple of months after DDay but the above statement stopped me.
      She is completely without any integrity. She worked with my husband and was ‘friends’ with me but still saw no shame in pursuing my husband. Had been married before and cheated on her husband before the marriage with the best man (ending his relationship but the wedding went ahead thanks to her mother begging people to keep it quiet) cheated during her marriage and then left her husband thinking she was on to something ‘better’. When that didn’t work out she went through most of the men she worked with before my setting her sights on my husband (I am in no way excusing him, by the way).
      After I discovered the affair and kicked my husband out (due to him trying to maintain his cake supply) she wasted no time in posting her ‘victory’ all over Facebook and Twitter while I was still scraping myself up off the floor.
      At the time we had a lot of ‘mutual friends’ so she exposed herself as a homewrecker. She was so full of her femme fatale sparkly self she did not stop to think how it would look. As a result almost everyone turned against the pair of them.
      I remember telling my solicitor I was loathe to name her as a co-respondent in the divorce because I thought she would enjoy it.

  • Mehphista,
    When this first all came down, my DD asked me “Mom, do you hate, J______?” I said, I am very angry and hurt by what happened, but I try not to hate anyone. I don’t hate your father, either.”

    She responded “I do!”

    Of course, that is all water under the bridge and she no longer feels that way.

    So difficult to navigate these waters.

    • Yeah, kids ask me if I hate OW or their dad and I say no, I actually feel sorry for them because they’ve behaved badly and they can’t ever take that back. And it’s honest, because I wouldn’t want to be the person who did something like this.

  • I’m with you Nord. When asked I say, “No, I don’t hate your Dad. He is who he is.” I let my daughter figure it out. And she will.

  • Que sara, sara.

    I think that site is funny in the same way reading horoscopes and pretending for a moment they aren’t total BS is funny. It’s kind of like watching Jerry Springer, but probably with even less verification.

    The biggest problems I can imagine are:

    1. If you’re getting divorced, then the court is likely to look upon such postings as vindictive and problematic behavior on your part.

    2. The potential for false allegations is HUGE. I don’t know how the site could possibly be verifying these stories, so there is huge potential for the site to be used for the sole purpose of destroying somebody’s reputation.

    3. It telegraphs to the cheater (if they see it) that they are still the center of your personal Universe. Is that really the message you want to send.

  • I recently confronted a friend of mine who is an OW and also a cheater, simultaneously. (I have written about her to this site.) When I gave her my unvarnished opinion of her behavior, she told me I “didn’t need to be so harsh.”

    In response, I said, “You are having your third extra-marital affair in a year. You are sleeping with the husband of a woman that you call a friend. A woman with cancer. I’m not “harsh.” That is “harsh.”

    I have more than half a mind to put her picture on one of these sites, only because I don’t know the last name of the guy she’s cheating with, so I can’t figure out how to contact his wife and let her know.

  • After my wasband “confessed” (read:after I found out) my BFF named the Other Woman the DFW (Dirty effin whore) and that has stuck. I have spoken to her once (during the pick-me period) and never again. I have to see her almost daily (our kids are at the same school) but I put on my armor and pretend she doesn’t exist. She will always be a DFW, and a serial OW. Sad really.

    • Putting on armor is how I feel too when I go somewhere where I am likely to see them. Last night I thought I might run into them at an event I went to, so I “suited up” and mentally prepared myself. But they weren’t there, which was really, really nice.

  • I saw this posted somewhere:

    “Never get jealous when you see your ex with someone else because your parents taught you to give your used toys to the less fortunate.”

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