Dear Chump Lady,
I meet this knight on a white horse 12 years ago when coming out of a violent relationship, he was charismatic, good looking, a successful business man and in general well liked but most of all understanding and supportive.
Not even a few months into the relationship I was contacted by someone I didn’t know very well to inform me that The Knight had taken his ex to Australia on one occasion and that he was in fact spending a long weekend with her at another destination not far from my home (and yes I got in my car and drove to the hotel to verify). He used the excuse that he was trying to let her down gently as she was very emotionally unstable and needy. I brought that excuse hook line and sinker….
So our relationship continued and we eventually married and had a gorgeous little boy who is now 5. However, there have been many instances through our marriage that have just broken me, broken my trust. He always had an amazing explanation, but mostly I was over analysing an innocent situation and that he was merely a good person doing good things for people.
My eyes were opened when I started noticing his behaviours towards people that would stand up to him. He would cull them quick smart and set about doing some really illegal and retributive things to them, things that would never be able to be pinned on him but left the culled person knowing exactly who it came from.
If all of this wasn’t enough, the worst situation was yet to be unveiled to me.
The months following the birth of our child, he went out on New Years by himself as I was too exhausted with a newborn. I understand this is where he meet his equal — a female equivalent of himself, but a victim all the same. The hiding of the cell phone began, all the lunch and tea dates increased more than usual, and when I would question why someone would be sending him love hearts on his cell phone, he told me that I was misreading his text messages. This whatever-it-was relationship continued for two years and I think I actually went insane mentally and emotionally. He always had excuses for all the fucked up examples of him cheating.
So, the Other Woman is now in jail serving a seven-year jail term for bank fraud. (She worked in a bank and ripped off customers). He promised me that he was not in contact with her, but I found the filling cabinet with piles and piles of communication. I gave him so many opportunities to come clean about them but he chose to keep lying to me until I produced copies of them, he then offered me the explanation that he was just doing what he needed to do because he stood to make a lot of money from this woman and her family!
So the here and now is my brain is on overload and my heart in tatters — is he the decent man with a set of unfortunate events that keep arising or really he doesn’t give a rats arse about me?
Wrong question. The right question is — how do I find a pit bull attorney to divorce this psycho? Or how quickly do I alert the authorities to the contents of his filing cabinet and indemnify myself from any of my husband’s illegal activities?
Jodyann, let’s connect the dots. He had a two-year affair with this woman, that you KNOW of, during which time she was defrauding bank customers. Gee, you think she came up with that scheme on her own? Or never shared it with him? He told you himself he thought he stood to gain a lot of money from her and her family. He was in the relationship for financial gain. And then, Holy Mother of Coincidences! She is jailed for bank fraud?
He’s an accessory to a crime, at the least. You’re dealing with a sociopath.
I’m sorry you married and bred with a sociopath, Jodyann. Join the chump club. But sweetheart, you must switch your brain out of the “does he love me and is he misunderstood?” gear, and shift into “GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM NOW” gear.
Does he give a rat’s ass about you? No. No he does not. Or your son. Or the woman rotting in jail for him. Or anyone else. He’s a disordered, scary, piece of shit.
Is he a decent man with a string of unfortunate events? Oh sure and I’m Britney Spears.
Do decent people lie and cheat? When decent people are called on their shit, do they cull them quick smart and set about doing some really illegal and retributive things to them, things that would never be able to be pinned on him but left the culled person knowing exactly who it came from.
No, you’re describing Mexican drug cartels.
This is what you need to do — collect every scrap of evidence you have on him. Everything in that filing cabinet, whatever you’ve got. Collect all your important documents and identity papers and put them in a safe place with a third party, or in a lock box. Meanwhile, play the chump to your husband. Act — like you’ve acted so many times before — like you swallow his bullshit stories.
Then you hire an attorney — find the toughest, hard ass attorney you can find. A former prosecutor would do nicely, who also does family law. Someone who can make hay on his connection to Miss Bank Fraud. You give all your evidence to this lawyer, and you plan your escape.
Do not ever HINT to him that you’re leaving or considering divorce. Get away and THEN drop the bomb of having him served divorce papers. He is by your own description a vindictive, scary person. You need the boot of the law on his neck. Never, EVER remove that boot. Do NOT try to mediate with him. Do NOT try any sort of diplomacy or appealing to his better nature. He has NO better nature. He wants to con you — and if you leave him, he will want to punish you.
Once you get away, you MUST go no contact. Because he will try very hard to draw you back in, to manipulate you. He will try charm, and if that doesn’t work, he’ll try threats and rages. He will not want to lose control — your best defense against all of this mindfuckery is to stay no contact. All communication must go through your attorney.
Next, you need serious therapy. You were in a relationship with a violent man before and you chose another sociopath. You’ve got to fix that picker. You need a therapist to help you explore why you have stifled your voice for all these years. You KNOW what you saw. You KNOW what he is, and you refused to believe it. You denied your reality. You were gaslighted. A good therapist will help you explore these issues and stay no contact with this man. A woman’s shelter would also be a good option. Talk to a domestic violence counselor. This fraudulent, mindfuckery is abuse. He doesn’t have to hit you to control you. He’s done quite a good job keeping you fronting for him.
That has to stop today. He is endangering you and your son. You need to leave this frightening, criminal person, Jodyann. Do not delay. Start the new year FREE.