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Leave a cheater, gain a life!

Freak of the Week

by

thongThis contest was proposed to me by my husband (a former chump) as we got to comparing freakish cheater details of our own stories, and people we know. (Yeah, I know, don’t invite us to cocktail parties.)

We’ve done Stupid Shit Cheater’s Say, and biggest lie you ever bought, and chumpiest thing you did for them.

Today we’re just focusing on weird shit. We know a fellow whose (now ex) wife had special wedding rings crafted for when she and her OM had trysts. That’s a contender!

The object here is to be as SUCCINCT as possible. No essays! You can comment on other people’s Freak of the Week submissions, but each submission needs to be three brief sentences, tops.

For example, my submission would go like this.

1) He had the same mistress for over 20 years and three marriages.

2) OW and ex apparently had a kid together and she passed the paternity off on her brother-in-law.

3) After boinking his OW in Vermont, he drove home and presented me with a one-pound bag of coffee.

The winner of the contest gets me immortalizing the crazy in cartoon form.

One caveat — GladIt’sOver may not play this game. No one can compete with the dancing Sasquatch. This is a contest for amateurs, not professionals. (You know, the sort of professional thespian who quits his job and lives in basements.) I’m sorry Glad, but if it makes you feel better, I’ll draw you a dancing Sasquatch.

Okay, chumps — show me your freak stories!

Comments

  1. I secretly tried on my wedding dress for him right before our wedding and he told me that OW would say my thighs are too heavy, but she would love my shoes. Then he suggested we get a prenup. That was my DDay.

  2. The OW was a married seminary student (now a pastor of her own church)(leading people down the path of righteousness). The affair has spanned the birth of two children. The husband is the only person who doesn’t know (but he’s a mega-cheater too, so no one feels bad for him).

      • Wow! “A name for it?” SO SAD! Nothing like being preyed upon in the one place you SHOULD be safe…

        • Yep, it’s more common than you think. My dad (retired) was a treasurer for the conference of the United Methodist Church — they settled a lot of harassment suits from sinister ministers. Happened a lot. Heard the term from my husband though — he knew a trial lawyer who coined it.

          • I also found out it’s so prevalent there’s a term for the ministers who have to clean up the churches afterwards. They’re called “After Pastors”. I (innocently) asked what that meant… well, they’re the ministers who come…after… whatever, but usually sexual malfeasance between the minister (sinister) and member(s) of the congregation. Like, for example, my STBX father in law, who hit on his choir, his congregation, his graduate students (a theology Prof s well as minister.) Nice! Also a lesson in abusing structural power relations. I happen to think ministers are often a special brand of NPs.

            • The “sinister ministers” are the best-qualified to find the right Bible verses to justify their behavior. So not only do they not think anything is wrong, but look, God is OK with it too!

              Religion would be such a wonderful thing if we just kept the humans out of it.

  3. He told the MC ( when asked why he was so angry) that he had “no voice” in having children with me. The children are 13 and 16 and he jacked off into a cup and took it to be tested because we were having trouble getting pregnant. He also accompanied me to the fertility doctor visits every single time….even the idiot MC couldn’t respond to that one 🙂

    • My friend is going through the same exact thing! Two kids, both invitro. Thousands of dollars and fertility doctor visits and yet he was “duped”. It’s stunning.

    • My husband says that too. Eight years of infertility, two rounds of IVF, and he got trapped into staying with me by the pregancy. I use this to remind myself that his reality is total unreality. Who else would argue about whether surgically injected sperm is deliberate or not?!

      • Yep, we have teen triplets and I got the same speech. I never really wanted to have kids, did it to please you. Really? I can think of a few other things that might please me better now….

  4. Great idea, CL, I offer two, please imagine the dulcet tones of the Deliverance theme while reading…..

    Comedy: Mr Fab screwed his younger brother’s ex, same woman as his elder brother allegedly had an affair with, and she used to work late at these boys’ Daddy’s pub. But it is Tawoo Wuvv.

    Tragedy: But they can’t move in together, because her state benefits would be stopped. So the state pays for a flat directly downstairs from his, and DD is expected to lump it, despite having had to share her room in Dad’s flat with cousin/sibling for the past six months.

    Makes you feel Meh to have to put it in this way, thanks Tracy!

  5. Ohhh I have a few!

    1. WXH slept nude, but also had a “few” hygiene issues. It was such a treat to be greeted by skid marked sheets when making the bed.

    2. OW #WhoKnows on DDay #WhoCares responded to the NC email then WH sent by addressing me “Bitch you better watch your back! I know where you live! You never know when I”ll come leap on your ass!!” Yep. OW was an ugly bullfrog.

    3. After finding emails of lovely hairy crotch selfies of his newly pregnant OW on his computer, then WH is OFFENDED that I would wonder if he was the father.

  6. The EX had multiple cell phones through the last few years and the last time he “butt dialed” me on his “real phone” while driving home talking to a fling on the other phone. I heard the whole 1 sided conversation all the way to my front door when I was still on my phone listening. He told her “my wife doesn’t even know about this phone. She wouldn’t understand about it or us”. I was hanging out the window as he pulled in the driveway telling him I heard it all and I could hear my own voice through his phone. Snagged! (still gave him another year though). UGH!!!

  7. XH converted to Catholicism for me 8 years into our marriage. After leaving me for OW, he was attending mass, taking communion, and working on his Knights of Columbus degrees to impress a colleague…while ALSO converting to and becoming a deacon in OW’s Seventh Day Adventist Church to impress her. The overlap was for about six months, until our divorce was final.

    LOOKING LIKE “a good Christian” was more important to him than actually being one.
    Wonder if he’ll get extra time in hell for the blasphemy?

      • Um….small matter of the Seventh Commandment.

        He’s gojn’ down to the burny place.

        As an art historian I can assure you that, in Hell, she will have her breasts torn by serpents eternally, while he gets raped by demons. Ghirlandhaio does not lie!

    • My ex, who claims to be a very good Christian, once told me all of our problems, including his staggering level of infidelity, was caused by my being agnostic. These days he likes to say he tries to be just like Jesus.

      • Well, FWIW, my ex was an atheist and saw me (raised Catholic, though these days attending Episcopal church) as an old-fashioned and overly sentimental old fart. And I’m sure that part of narrative in cheating was that it was a way for her to connect with hipper, more sophisticated modern people, like her, who aren’t bogged down by ancient traditions and oppressive dogma.

        WTF-ever.

        I think there are plenty of cheaters of every stripe, from “born again” to atheist, but I understand the special stench of hypocrisy that hovers around the Jesus Cheaters.

      • One of my favorite things that my Southern Baptist XH said to me (in the most sincere and “bless your heart” sort of way) was ” I know you THINK you’re a christian, but you’re not.” Uh, ok.

        • My Ex is fond of ending all his emails to me with a scripture verse. The first time he did this, I responded back with Hebrews 13:4 “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” He responded back that I was “harassing” him and that “God has forgiven him already and he is now sinless in the eyes of God.” He continues to this day to put a scripture verse at the end of every email he sends (we have to communicate still as we have two children). He takes passive-aggressive to a whole new level…

          • so God sent him a ‘get out of jail free card’ did he? Wow! Now wonder he’s rapidly disappearing up his own arse!

          • Classic narcissism trait: wanting “special status” that is not commensurate with your achievements or actions.

            My ex used to say she was more “spiritual” then I was. She was more full of bullshit is what she was more of.

            • The whole idea of him spouting off scripture just sickens me. It has really tested my faith which meant so much to me. I am slowly coming back around to reconnecting spiritually and finding a new church, but it has been a tough journey. I can’t help but think that God has a special (unpleasant) plan for those who through their actions lead others away from Him.

              Get this, lately he has taken to calling our youngest son almost every night and reading scripture to him over the phone (oldest son – who is almost an adult – is seldom home when he calls due to work/sports/older teen social life). I’m not sure how to stop this – in our separation agreement he is allowed to have unsupervised contact with both our boys by phone/email as much as he desires. I am just praying that they are developing strong BS detectors and will see him for who he really is in time.

              • He’ll over do it sooner than you think. My ex over compensated for his sinning by forcing the kids into a Christian private school then moving out to be with his whore. He kept in contact with both by texting them and putting some sort of Christian redemptive spin on everything — even pictures sent from a rodeo he was attending. The kids burned out on it real fast. Their attitude ranged from disgust to outrage to amused. They never said anything to his face though.

    • One of the MANY reasons religion gets such a bad rap – “talking the talk” without “walking the walk” because they think they’re special and the rules don’t apply to them.

      Judgement Day’s gonna be brutal…

      • I’m not Catholic and so I do apologise if I cause any offense but I get the idea that all sins are forgiven during the last rites. As a nation, we Brits (well, those ones of us who strongly disagreed with Iraq) believe this is why Tony Blair converted after he left office.

        • They’re only forgiven if you’re TRULY sorry for all of them. So don’t worry , we know they aren’t truly sorry, so they’ll be going to the burny place all in due time.

  8. I also kept wondering how he was coming up with so much crap to tell the MC at each session. I snooped in his work binder and found the list ( spark note version) of everything that was wrong with me and why everything was all my fault written on the back of my Victoria Secret catalog that he had swiped ( and he wasn’t ordering from the catalog either if you get my drift ).

    • Mine also had a list. It included things like:

      1. I spent too much. (He’s a college professor; he never earned enough.)
      2. He didn’t like how I was raising the kids. (He couldn’t be bothered 95% of the time.)
      3. We didn’t entertain enough. (HE entertained. I did all the work.)
      4. I wasn’t religious enough. (As opposed to him, cheating on me.)

      I never made a list of HIS faults, although he had plenty. Wonder if this is part of “Cheater 101: How to Justify the Affair” course? Because all cheaters seem to one…

      • My STBX made a list too – right before he embarked on his last two affairs!!!! Is that something that they teach in cheater school? Is that a lower level or upper level class?

        • Mine also had a list and offered to read it to me.

          I knew better and declined the offer, but I still wasn’t recognising the emotional abuse yet.

          I agree 100% that it is right there in the “Cheating for dummies” book that they all read.

            • I got the same list AND an 8 page Master’s dissertation on what was wrong with our marriage. Of course, he never knew until he had a relationship with a whore to compare it to. That’s why it took him 25+ years to figure it out.

              They are so universal in their “it’s not my fault, it’s yours” point of view that the only way to deal with it is to truly go no contact. Don’t give the insanity a chance to invade your head.

              • I’d bet all of us have had “lists” made about our faults by the ex – seems de rigueur for the cheaters of the world.

            • Me too, and he also said his list (which he never shared until he decided to walk out) was the reason he was leaving me. Makes me feel so much better to know this is classic cheater behavior!

      • Mine went to our last MC session with a two page spreadsheet where he had documented for over a month every single hour he observed me spending on “work” (i.e. such as the 8+hours a day at my job, housework, yard work, cooking, caring for children) and every single hour he observed me doing “leisure activities” such as showering, reading, watching TV, etc. Yes, he had a spreadsheet with exact (to the minute) times and details on each “activity.” His purpose was to show the MC that I spent a total of 3 hours less per week on “work” than he did (as he also cataloged his activities on a separate 2-page spreadsheet). Once I pointed out my 1.5 total hour commute each day to work (he worked from home as a “consultant”), the scale tipped in my favor. He looked horrified when I pointed that out. I looked horrified that he would do such a thing and WHY? Just another one of his many bizarre, controlling actions.

        • OMG, what a freak! How about the time he spent compiling that spreadsheet? That right there tipped the scale in your favor. The level of self absorption and entitlement of these monsters boggles my mind.

        • Mine kept a journal which was supposedly for work. After I decided to read it I discovered he was writing about me as I walked around the house. Creep.

  9. Here it goes….
    1. Bought me a t-shirt with a long haired chihuahua’s face on it as I have a long haired chihuahua and bought himself a t-shirt with a pig face on it.
    2. Post break up sent me a computer typed letter via snail mail which arrived on April Fools Day (Now know as the April Fools Letter) admitting to going once while we were together to get a hand job at a massage parlor (while I was in Paris for work and he was taking care of my dog), and twice to the same woman he met on Craigs List Casual Encounters. Then he signed the letter with his name typewritten underneath the signature! (that had me laughing out loud).

  10. How about an X who is a total germaphobe, who would stare down and harass anyone who so much as clears their throat, for spreading germs. But who himself would publicly pick residue from any of his orifices and sniff it like a monkey. Who in addition, would solicit all kinds of favors from escorts, bdsm workers, and other skank and seemingly not consider the inherent risks of those germ factories. Then, when presented with evidence that I have an STD and I have never had sex with anyone but him, he prevaricates that he’s “all clear” despite reoccurring funkyness on his penis! Oh the irony!

  11. XH worked in a service industry. Let’s say he was a plumber. When he would mention someone, I would ask “Is he/she a client?” and he would answer “Yes, she is a fan.”

    A “fan”. Of a PLUMBER. I think that is freaky all around.

  12. Hi Chumps, I’m a new poster, but I can play this!

    During his last few months in the house, my ex spirited away some of his prized possessions and I kept a list of things that disappeared.

    One entry read, “Gas masks and porn.”

    I did not realize how odd my ex was until after I started writing this stuff down!

    • “Gas masks and porn.” Just, wow. As Kelly Bundy used to say, “The mind wobbles.”

      Makes me imagine other survival-equipment / sex-toy combos:

      “Life jackets and dildos.”
      “Snorkels and lube”
      “Road flares and ribbed rubbers”
      “Snow shoes and strap-ons”
      “Canteens and c*ck rings”

      • Nomar, I almost spewed tea through my nose reading this! My eyes are watering from trying to hold back the laughs! Don’t want to wake up son and have to explain what’s so funny!

        • Ha I almost spewed tea too. 🙂
          Since reading this I have been humming and thinking to myself:

          C-clamps and ball-gags all tied up with strings,
          These are a few of my favourite things….

      • You guys are too funny! I’d wondered if it was just my sense of humor. My favorite is, “Snow shoes and strap-ons”. But that sounds like someone chasing Sasquatch;-)

          • Thank you for the warm welcome! You all have emboldened me to make another submission at the bottom of the page:-) Hope that’s allowed?

      • HA HA HA! That is all kinds of awesome.

        Blow-up doll and life preserver (either can be used interchangeably)

      • I love snorkels and lube! I can just picture the redneck guys in my town sniffling, hoisting up their pants, and saying “Yep, headin’ down to the ol’ snorkel and lube. Got a big weekend planned.”

      • This was hilarious!!! I’m glad I’m alone right now – I’d hate to have to explain what’s so funny!

      • hahahaha! Robin, Nomar & everyone who piled on – thank you for the belly laugh! ahahahaha!!!

      • I am still laughing! Last night, I was at a Christmas function and more combinations popped into my head…just couldn’t stop myself. (No, I said none of this out loud, but I looked happy which was good since I attended by myself!) Here we go…

        “Night Vision and nipple clamps”
        “Water preservative and penis pump”
        “Mason jars and merkins”
        “Oh honey, don’t forget your ghillie suit and kama sutra!”

    • Dang, my sex life must have been ridiculously boring, I never thought of gas masks (well, it is now considering I’ve been celibate for the past 9 months thanks to my now-XW…Yep, it’s official now!).

      Seriously though, so sorry you had to go through that. You’re in the right place.

  13. Charming exH had one sister who was killed in a car accident while we were married. He used the excuse of her death to explain why he kept returning to his hometown (in Europe) for weeks at a time – he told me he was working on adopting her surviving 8 year old daughter. Turns out the documents he requested from me for the “adoption” were really for a visa application for the OW – the one he had the entire 10 years we were married; the one he swore on his (now dead) sister’s life that he wasn’t cheating with…and the trips were used to set up an entire house (cars, furniture) with the OW while still married to me and expecting our 2nd child.

    Oh, and the other excuse that he used for his “travel” was that his mother’s cancer was back and she was dying. Turns out she wasn’t sick….at all. That’s my prince.

  14. My XH wrote me a proposal he called “The House Bet”. He wanted to be free to do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted for a year. If, after the year, he did not want to still be married to me, he would give me the house. If, after the year, I did not want to be married to him but he wanted to come back, I had to give him the house. He says in there he is so sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he is willing to bet the house on it.
    Lucky me!!!!

  15. This should come with a warning but here goes:

    1. X was operated on for a fistula and had an open wound in his nether region (I termed it the “mangina”) and went straight from the hospital to the OW bed. I’m guessing she never used those sheets again.

    2. X took OW to a football game and then spent the remainder of the evening rolling around with her in a dog park in fido and friends excrement.

    3. X set up a secret facebook group so he and OW could communicate. He called it the Scooby Doo Aficionado Club. WTF?

    • ruh roh shaggy

      You’re *waiting* for Karma to paste this guy? Karma’s got a gun to his back pushing him down the track!

      • You’re right, I need a change of moniker. Especially since he has been arrested twice since our separation and is now facing a string of criminal charges. After I found out about the last affair, I was an emotional wreck. Through my tears I asked him why he would do something like this to me. His answer? I knew you’d get through it, you’re resilient. Yes, more than you know buddy.

    • Isn’t the expression “when the doo hits the afficianado” or something like that?

      Sounds like the perfect name for their club.

  16. Here are examples from my family:

    1. My uncle had two families in Dallas for 10 years. I always wondered why he was so tired when we visited.

    2. My grandfather ran off with my grandmother’s best friend. He had a journalist friend write an obituary reporting that he and OW had been killed in a car wreck so my grandmother (who had 5 kids) wouldn’t look for him.

    3. My ex’s coworker’s kids called him “Uncle” in front of me once. I asked my ex why they did this and he said “they call everybody Uncle.”

  17. After telling me about the exit affair in sordid detail and dumping me, “You need to activate texting on our phone plan. The new flame and I prefer texting with each other”.

  18. This is related to the OW. When I confronted her with the fact that I knew she and my husband were having an affair, I said (among other things): You had sex with my husband in an alley! She said back to me: No, that ‘s not true. (pause) It was a parking lot.

    Well that makes it so much better, dontcha think?

    • Ha ha ha! Similar experience. I confronted the Ow with the fact that they were screwing in MY lake house and her comment back was “sometimes we went to a motel”.

      They are all so horribly common.

    • That’s fucking ridiculous (of course) but I’ve noticed that both cheaters and cheat partners are notorious sticklers for needless semantics at the most irrelevant moments.

      “I didn’t kill him! The bullets from my gun did!”

      • This reminds me of seeing the OW’s car in my husband’s (we were separated at the time) driveway. I called him on my cell phone and asked whose red Toyota was in the driveway as he was supposedly wanting to reconcile with me and broken up with OW. The first thing out of his mouth was that it was NOT a Toyota, it was a Mercedes.

        Good to know

    • XH sent OW items from Victoria’s Secret. When I asked her, “Who accepts lingerie from a married man?” she said, “It was underwear, not lingerie.”

      Tramp.

    • What is it with parking lots???? My ex, a douchebag cop, would screw his little married coworker in the back of our truck at either the college parking lot, or the FOP lodge parking lot. Oh, and the kids carseat was in the back seat. How classy!!! LMAO!

      • “What is it with parking lots????”

        I know! My hubby pulled “it” out in the parking lot of an after school care facility while his AP waited for her kids to come out.

        • The thing that I found so comical and I said to him… Don’t you bust people for doing that??? What a fine example of law enforcement you are? (eyes rolling….)

  19. I know I’ve written about this before, but the OW was/is a family and marriage counselor. There has to be a special place is hell for someone this twisted.

  20. Hey folks, several comments are winding up in my spam filter. So if you post and it doesn’t go through — please drop me a line at info@chumplady.com and I’ll fish it out for you. Nothing personal — my spam filter just gets a little overzealous sometimes!

  21. 1. She met some of her affair partners online playing World of Warcraft (“World of Whore-craft”), and after I divorced her the centerpiece of her wedding to the final affair partner was a painting of their in-game avatars (“Troll Priests”) in a troll wedding ceremony.

    2. She left her laptop open and sometimes wandered away so that our then-12-year-old son could see her chats with an affair partner, leading him one night at dinner to ask her playfully who that was on the Internet that she kept saying “I love you” to (Yes, she was busted in front of me by our son).

    3. After D-Day I discovered that she’d kept a daily “true life” online blog about our family for years, using a pseudonym but posting pictures of us all on it, which blog contained lots of lies and sometimes graphic sexual writing and made me out to be a dorky jerk but that became fairly popular and about which she was ultimately interviewed by a prominent newspaper in Europe.

    • As much as I want to draw Twu Troll Wuv, it would be nepotism to let you win. Like the Dancing Sasquatch, cheater fantasy *trolls* take crazy to a whole new level. But thanks for playing! 🙂

      • Yeah, trolls are crazy. As are Dungeons and Dragons characters who “meet” in a tavern and have sex before, during and after setting out on an adventure together. (depending upon the roll of the dice, dontcha know?) Uncle Daddy’s character was a dwarf, his married AP always played a Paladin, and during a “quest” the characters had copious amounts of sex together. I read the outline of two different “adventures” he wrote for him and his Schmoopy. Sex in the makebelieve forest behind the makebelieve tavern, humping on a makebelieve tree stump… Since these two played these game on pen and paper I could only believe that the sex part was the only part that wasn’t makebelieve.
        Serious YUCK factor!

      • It may be nepotism, but #3 is pretty high up there in the humiliation quotient. Wow.

        Mr. Chumplady, you deserve all you have coming to you (meaning a good life with Chumplady, of course).

        • Right? A bit “Truman Show” after the fact. I mean, I had no idea until I started snooping after D-day. The raunchy sexual stuff (say, a graphic recounting of some really rough sex in high school that she recalled fondly) right next to pictures of her cuddling our kids really turned my stomach. Even more hurtful than the sense of violation was the overwhelming conclusion that I had NO IDEA who this person was. None. The person she made up to be with me was just as fictional as the persona she invented for her edgy-soccer-mom blog. Even now it sends a chill down my spine.

          • Nasty sex narratives alongside pictures of your kids?!

            You need to have her take down those pictures ASAP. If she doesn’t, get lawyers involved. She can say or do anything she wants with HER image, but this impacts your kids.

            Because if you Google your kids’ names, those pictures will probably come up in Google images. If you click on the image, it will take you to that post. Or, if you (or anyone else) upload a picture of your kids to Google, and do an image search for similar images, that picture and post will come up.

            If you don’t want your kids, their friends, their teachers, etc., reading that garbage, get their pictures off that blog NOW. I can’t believe she’d shame your or her kids like that. Sick!

            • Red, yeah, I threatened legal action and got her take the blog down even before the divorce came through, though I half suspect she eventually put it up under some other name because she’s so very proud of the writing (Blue Sasquatch that she is). The prime years for her blog were ’97 through about 2006, and my kids are much older now, so I’m hopeful the Google image search thing won’t come back to bite anyone in the butt. If it does, that will have to be an issue between my adult children and their crazy mom.

              • Glad to hear it. I also have a blog (for business women) and shared pictures of my kids years ago when they were little. D14 did a Google search on her own name, saw the pictures from 2005 (when she was 4), and asked me to pull them down. I thought she looked adorable (in costume for a dance recital), but honored her request.

                Just didn’t want your kids to do the same and be mortified, but it sounds like you’ve got it under control. Good job!

          • Welcome Mr CL!
            And so sorry that your kids have this mortification factor in their lives, takes embarrassing your kids to a whole new level.

            • Well, the kids have no idea about the blog. They know the marriage ended due to infidelity, but not about the blog. And I hope they never do.

    • That’s just sick. And this from someone who plays online games. I never got into WoW, though.

      Second Life was vehicle of infidelity for one of my gaming community’s members. Initially, my guildmate was thrilled, as his wife didn’t like online games and he’d always wanted to play with her, and in fact curbed a lot of his time so that they’d have time to do things as a couple. He figured Second Life would be a stepping stone to bigger and better things.

      Apparently his wife decided that games were awesome for socializing, and started several EAs, and then started meeting up with the men she met in Second Life.

      In your case, the blog just blows the whole thing into surreal.

    • Number 2 wins for me…seemed to reach another level of abuse toward one’s child.
      Only could have been worse if teenager had found a used condom in the living room, during a time you were away.

  22. It’s tough to narrow down 10 years of a double life to 3 sentences – so much material from which to choose! Here goes:

    1. During the course of our marriage, XH and I lived in 3 different houses and had 3 new beds. He fucked a different woman (at least one) on each of those marital beds and in each new house.

    2. On Dday, he was sobbing about how sorry he was. Sitting on the floor, covering his face he was crying so hard, sobs so loud he could barely get out the words. Almost too loud. Finally, after a few minutes, I said, “You’re not really crying, are you?” He immediately stops, removes his hands from his face and says in a completely calm voice, “Yeah, but I was really close to crying.”

    3. We had an electric toothbrush. After a while, we stopped swapping the heads from mine to his and just shared one head, which many people find gross but I didn’t mind, until I found out about his secret life. He would fuck other people and put his mouth *there* and then brush his teeth with OUR toothbrush. I BRUSHED MY TEETH WITH THAT TOOTHBRUSH! d.i.s.g.u.s.t.i.n.g

    • Number two sounds like something from a comedy routine, but not in a good way. Real life really is stranger than fiction sometimes. Bet you’re glad to be rid of him.

    • 2. is seriously creepy. One of the most creepy things I have heard.

      3. I hope you used that head from that moment on, to clean the toilet. I might have done this once or twice. Or thought about it.

      Gad, 2 is creepy!

    • That crying thing is seriously creepy. He is disordered for sure.

      My ex once boasted to our son that he could cry at will, and that the way he summoned up the tears was to think of son committing suicide. Nice thing to tell your teenage son, huh?

      • Oh no Glad, that’s the sickest thing I have ever heard about your ex, and that’s saying a lot.

        • My ex might be bizarrely hilarious, and his videos and book are certainly fodder for comedy, but behind all that craziness, he is evil. I’m actually afraid of him, and would be thrilled if our son decided to sever all relations with the ex. I believe son eventually will do so, as he knows his dad is a bad person.

          Besides cheating, lying and manipulating constantly throughout marriage, my ex:

          Blackmailed at least one married man he slept with. I know this for sure. I suspect, but don’t know for sure, that he also attempted to blackmail several other people.

          He has conned a lot of people out of money, including his own parents.

          He’s staged health emergencies for attention.

          He uses and manipulates other people to a shocking degree. One day he’s going to con the wrong person, and he is going to pay a serious price. I just pray that when that day comes, our son is not with him.

          • GIO – I am full of admiration for you. Your heart must be enormous to have tried to love this monster for so long, I really hope someone wonderful has snapped you up now. I doff my cap to you 🙂

          • “One day he’s going to con the wrong person, and he is going to pay a serious price.”

            This could happen with the cheating alone, let alone all the other stuff. Cheating with other married people is double dangerous. Never know when some angry husband/wife will catch you and go nuts. My therapist, when trying to convince my ex that cheating was a bad idea, said to him: “Cheat once, lose your wife. Keep cheating, lose your life.”

            I hope your ex wises up and stops, and I definitely hope your son is always out of harm’s way. Thank goodness you have custody.

    • Mine cried on dday and said all sorts of things. When I started crying he said ‘oh, come on, it’s not that bad. Stop crying like a teenager’. He’s all heart, that one.

    • Oh noooooooo! (in response to #3). How they choose not to acknowledge how fucked up it is to subject their spouses to horrific experiences like that is something I will NEVER EVER EVER understand. Truly sick.

  23. Challenge Accepted, Fellow Chumps! I’ll see your bet and I’ll raise you:
    After DDays 1-3, XH was desperately pretending to reconcile. Then I saw OW-dingbat-paralegal’s text on his phone after we’d just had dinner w/ his grandmother. Here’s what happened next:
    1. XH threw the deck chairs into the pool, then jumped into the pool fully clothed in his suit and shoes.
    2. As I was calling dingbat OW to have a chat w/her, he ran into the house. After searching the rooms and yelling for him, I found him hiding upstairs, naked and lying in a sleeping bag on the floor.
    3. He didn’t feel like talking to me, so he stood up and – still wearing only the sleeping bag – bunny hopped his way out of the room, and slid down the stairs on his butt (like sledding down a hill!)

  24. I have two,

    1) After I finally found full-time work after a year of unemployment and sole bread winner, my STBXW decides the bathroom must be remodeled. This makes no sense to me as we should be correcting our finances. She doesn’t want three bids and already has contactor picked out. Turns out after the project is complete, this is the 3rd AP she was sleeping with for a year.

    2) Stops wearing wedding bad. Instead she starts wearing a silver ring with snakes and diamonds on her ring finger. I ask why that ring. She states it was a gift from her sister. WTF!

  25. During false reconciliation, STBX would download sappy country love songs on iTunes, which would infuriate me as many of them were “Their Songs”, and he had previously hated country music. Finally he downloaded a song named after the mistress. When I confronted him, he denied it having anything to do with the affair and that he just liked the song, and that I was delusional and invading his privacy. What an asshole.

    • My ex had Bon Jovi’s song “I want to lay you down in a bed of roses” for his coworker AP’s ringtone on his phone. I discovered this after picking it up when it went off while he was upstairs. When I confronted him about it he told me his phone chose songs for ringtones randomly. Funny that everyone else in our family had static ringtones on his phone.

      • My husband had the ringtone “Broken” by Lufehouse on his phone for his ho-worker. And of listened to the whole album while dreaming of twuu luurve with a woman his daughter’s age( 2 years older than his daughter). Gag!!!!

  26. There are many to chose from but one that seemed to hurt me the most was when he started to bring our child to OW house and said at least they never fucked in front of him. Then again, he admitted to the fact that he did fuck her in her husband’s bed with her infant laying in the crib next door.

  27. Mine are more for my XW’s family:

    1. Father-in-law called me to tell me that I can be the one to stop the trend of divorce in my family.

    2. Cousin of XW called me and mentioned a relationship she had with an ex where there were trust issues and she was glad to be out of the relationship. Next conversation she called me a loser and a quitter because I’m not going to stay with someone who lies and cheats on me repeatedly. I hope her cousin got the same message, but I know she didn’t.

  28. I only have one – thank goodness. After confronting her, she says: “well now that you know, can we have one of those open marriages, I will still be a good wife – this will just be a side thing”. I calmly asked her to leave and never come back.

  29. Haha. The OW in my case was cheating on her husband/father of her 4 children ages 6-15. She later bailed and left her kids with their Dad. During the affair my ex set her up in business (if you could call it that) as a “life coach” who advertises on her website that she helps people to develop positive attributes including honesty and reliability.

    • Oh, and in celebration of the season OW/life coach posted on Facebook a picture of a baby Jesus that she made with fingernail clippings.

    • OMG!!!!! The life coach advertising how she develops honesty and positive attributes totally reminds me of my ex, but the fingernail clippings!!!!!!! I’m surprised she wasn’t struck down by a lightning bolt!

      • This all has reminded me of another good, maybe connected story about OW. My daughters were young adults living out of state but sometimes went to their old hairdresser when they came home. They knew about OW, but had not met her, when one of them got a phone call from the old hair dresser who said that OW had made an appointment to see her, then came in and interrogated her about my daughters while she got her hair cut. Keep in mind, this is a hole-in-the-wall salon a fair distance from where OW lived and there is simply no reason for her to go there other than that she found out my daughters went there. That freaked out my daughter, as does the fact that OW has now listed that salon as one of the places she “likes” on her Facebook page.

        Do you think she “likes” the salon because they save up clippings from manicures for her artwork? Just thought of that possibility this morning. Lol.

        Regardless, none of this relates to the contest because it isn’t about what a freak my ex is. Unless it’s just that he’s a freak because he thinks he has traded up. Or maybe I should be submitting it all as an entry on behalf of her ex H.

        • But Greg, “this piece aims to explore gender roles and sexual repression both historical and contemporary.” So not only is it art, it’s deep, philosophical, political art. And something that could be used to put a voodoo curse on someone as well.

          I think the artist who made the fingernail/teeth flowers should be freak of the week.

  30. 1. Told me (as we were arguing across from each other at the dining room table in his vacation condo, while I had my laptop open and discovered he’d left himself logged into his email account and found-just the tip of the iceberg of his cheating emails) that he suspected I might be cheating on him. I quietly booked a flight home while he raged at me, slipped into the master suite under the guise of using the restroom, packed my suitcase, and walked out. After a few days of browsing in-depth into his email, I discovered a dozen APs in five months time, and emails bragging to his best friend about what a man-whore he was.

    2. While practicing his super manipulation skills post-split to get me back, he told me I’d never find another man like him. I told him, “I hope to hell not!”

  31. Annnddd I can play this! I used actual transcript…you can’t make this shit up 🙂

    Protective Order hearing, husband on the stand; my attorney submits a wicked foot long scythe knife to the judge, saying; This was found in his bedroom under the pillow.

    Attorney asks: And you had a weapon under your pillow; isn’t that right?

    Husband answers: It’s religious — I’m a Wiccan. Attorney asks: What is a Wiccan? Husband answers: I’m a pagan, a witch. (The look on the judges face? PRICELESS)

      • At the time it wasn’t funny, but when I told my BFF what went down in the courtroom we both laughed hysterically, he helped me get the PO 🙂

          • And it would need to have a bone handle, be small because it’s used for cutting herbs. But being a witch was his new thing, pretending to be a Pagan, you know cos they have nude rituals? I kid you not, he bought the book “Paganism for Dummies”. I was surprised there even was such a book

            • Just proves there is a market for everything.

              The Hopium of Cool, for one. Mr Fab still has hair to his ass and wears an amulet the Downgrade gave him. It has magical superpowers….of making him look like an also ran for the Doobie Brothers.

              Thanks again for this post, CL. The rigamaroles and shennanigans of all these fucktards is the gift that keeps on giving, some tragic, some comic.

              To use a Harry Potter (fictional magic) reference, these guys are Boggarts, and the spell is, “Ridikulus!”

              • And Dat, please excuse my levity- that knife incident was hideous, and i sincerely hope that was as bad as it ever got!

    • Under his pillow?!?! Are actual Wiccans aware that he’s trying to pass his freakyness off on them?

      • We had to arrange with the court to bring it in as an exhibit – a very scary knife, the main blade was 11 inches long, handle a bit longer, then a razor sharp little blade at the bottom of the handle.

  32. I caught him cheating, we broke up,and a few mos later, I began dating another man. Ex began stalking me, to the point of making phone calls to my friends, doing recon at bars I liked to go to,and actually spying through the window on me and new man. Then he got upset when he saw something he should not have seen; I guess he missed the memo on the definition of “broken up.”

  33. It’s my first comment since joining the CL world, so here goes:

    1) He said he needed multiple women, but he will continue to be a gentleman and remain committed and dedicated to me and my son. To make it fair, the girl he’ll end up with will know this fact.

    2) He moved in with the OW (former student half his age; he’s 46) and told our son that she was the live in nanny.

    3) He suggested that after the divorce, he could still imagine that we can become romantically involved again and maybe someday I will be the other woman on the side.

    My soon to be ex is a piece of work!

    • OMG, like my ex saying how a lot of people get divorced but still live together, so can we….WTF is with these people?

      • Another example of his gentlemanly gestures is that he’s refusing to pay for debt under my name that was accrued before the filing. I was a stay-at-home and he was the breadwinner. He is now using his financial advantage to get me to agree to his terms. I think not and I think he could just eat sh$t!

    • Mine said ‘maybe we can get back together in 5 or 10 years’. This was moments after he refused to sign the divorce papers. I just sent him out the door but remember thinking ‘what, you’re throwing me a bone to keep me on hold for an entire decade? I don’t think so, bubs’.

      • CL, it is quite disgusting in my eyes, too! And to think he has a 20 year-old daughter makes it even worse! I wonder what his daughter really thinks? She has to be unnerved. His continued rewriting of history, delusions of grandeur, projections and outright lying are taxing! Never in my life would I have imagined being a rising star in a real-life soap opera drama. Karma can’t come soon enough!

        • ct, I know how you feel! I couldn’t believe how my life turned into a soap opera overnight. My daughter is 22, and she has lost all respect for cheater dad and is angry as hell. This is the price these assholes pay for their choices.

          • Fortunately, my son is only eight so he still has his innocence, but the new situation his dad has presented in his life is not healthy. His dad is showing him really bad messages about marriage and what it means to be a man in general. I’ve been told that my son will make his own judgements when he is of age and will realize the error in his father’s ways. Someday. All I can do is love him as I always have.

    • I think we have a winner (and I’m so sad, I’m very glad I escaped that role as gatekeeper).

      My ex also had an attraction for Danish women. His OW is Danish, 400 miles away, he would block days at so called ‘workshops’ to fly there for a day of extramarital fun. Her English is as bad as his Danish (why o why did I never question his sudden love for that language?!), but twuuu love doesn’t need any real communication, does it?

      My inlaws were not most shocked by his cheating and stealing, but by finding out he tried to move his deceased father’s funeral to fit into his fake ‘workshop’ schedule. I know, pretty low, but there were other far deeper lows for me and our children…

      • What a pathetic low-life! Rearranging his dad’s funeral to screw his mistress????? I can’t even fathom what kind of person could do this….

      • My apologies to Michelle for putting words in her mouth. Who knows what she was thinking.

        By all means, let’s give a total pass to the sophomoric behavior of a PRIME MINISTER just because they happen to be female, attractive and Nordic.

        I didn’t have feelings one way or another for Michelle Obama but I sure like her now. If she were president, I’ll bet she could comport herself with the dignity and respect the occasion deserved, to say nothing of the maturity that is assumed because one holds a position such as that.

        • It’s irrelevant what she is: blonde, brunette, long-legged or stumpy. You’re calling her a slut for no good reason than she took a selfie that you don’t approve of. Sorry, but calling women sluts because you have no imagination to fashion a reasonable argument about why you don’t like this is bs.

          The First Lady could have had gas for all we know.

      • Hey, just to set the record straight, here is the explanation from the guy who took those shots: http://blogs.afp.com/correspondent/?post/Selfie

        He says in part: “South Africans were dancing, singing and laughing to honour their departed leader. It was more like a carnival atmosphere, not at all morbid. The ceremony had already gone on for two hours and would last another two. The atmosphere was totally relaxed – I didn’t see anything shocking in my viewfinder, president of the US or not.”

        Many people celebrate the life of the departed at a funeral rather than grieve at it.

        • But celebrating someone’s life and the immense contribution it made is – in my humble opinion – not equal to making a selfie – wich is self-centered, putting yourself into focus (literally) and for me – next to Danish women, which is biased and I should really get over that, sorry – an outright trigger.

          The photographer said Michelle’s expression was momentaneous, just captured by his camera. But why do I see it in several photographs ánd is she sitting between her husband and the Danish PM then in the last shot?

          I really hope that it’s my mind filling in the gaps, placing her as the gatekeeper of her marriage. Innocent flirtation? I see something different in her eyes. She will probably deny and stand by her man…

  35. 1. I was able to crack his password 3 times (when I knew he was cheating and wanted to be sure before confronting him). The OW emailed him saying “I figured this would be the safest way to contact you so your wife doesn’t find out”. Umm…nope.
    2. My EX and OW are both paramedics and were CAUGHT getting out of the back of the ambulance together. No patient back there…just them! There’s our tax dollars hard at work.
    3. Saved for over a year to take EX to Las Vegas for his 30th bday (as a surprise). Arranged childcare for my 2 babies, packed his bags, arranged time off work, drove to airport…surprise! The surprise was on me. He told me that night he wasn’t coming home with me and I spent the next 4 days alone in another country by myself while he text her saying “I’m drinking and partying on the dime of my STBX”. Asshole!

    • Sorry SoHC. Yes, he is a complete asshole! You are so much better off without him! Don’t ever forget that.

    • Yep – my XB is a fireman and EMT. He made me a chump by telling me he was getting a divorce, separated, etc. His wife was unstable, a danger to herself, etc. None of it was true. He lied about everything, even the little unnecessary things, like that he was a chef and a physical trainer once – both totally not true. The wife and I checked out his stories and we found 7 other women he was cheating/cheated with in a two year span. Firemen are the WORST and their reputation as, pardon my french, fuckpigs is well deserved. He spends hours while at work chatting online and on his phone. The best was when I sent the wife everything for her divorce. Will she leave him? Who knows, but at least I dodged a bullet and got her ammo. The worst part – he reported her fraudulently to children’s services and lied about her threatening suicide in front of their kid. How can anyone DO that kind of thing? To the mother of their kid? That’s just plain psycho.

  37. This is my second post, so you can disqualify me, but I want to project today:

    1. The day after DDay she is a reborn Christian. She tells me that I am breaking my promise to God. Once I point out that she broke the promise that we made in front of God, family and friends, she says, I didn’t have a relationship with God then. Well, you had a relationship with me!

    2. I watched porn during our marriage and she tells me that I was cheating on her way more than she ever did to me because I had more orgasms that she ever did with AP. My masturbating in our house is not worse than your trips to Wisconsin and Vegas with another dude… sorry.

  38. Mine tried to set his AP up with his brother, before I knew about the affair. Brother wasn’t interested, but the plan was for them to cheat on both me and his brother.

  39. 1) After informing me that he was going to run off with the OW within the hour, he told me I could stay in the house…he would still come and go as he pleased, though, with his own set of house keys, so he could see the kids, eat, and do laundry and stuff. ?!?!

    2) After I GPS’d his dick at 2am to the vacant home for sale that he was using to boink his realtor OW, he continued to deny the meetup place, saying he just wanted to go for a “walk around the block”. Well, he and his OW both have definitely Been Around the Block, so I guess that part fits…..

    3) When telling me all the reasons I wasn’t fun and therefore why he had to cheat on me, he included the Party Limo he rented for a drunken night that I wasn’t able to attend because he didn’t tell me about it until it was too late, plus I was 7 months pregnant and couldn’t drink!!?? Kinda glad I didn’t go, cause wouldn’tcha know he invited the OW and it would have been *soooo* *fun* to party with HER all night…sheesh

    • Oh brother, this ‘fun’ shit. Yep, it’s a lot of fun staying home raising kids while my ex was out screwing around all the time. And, you know, all that fun of cleaning, cooking, laundry, ironing, etc etc etc. But I just wasn’t as fun as the various OW who were all much younger with no responsibilities other than having a good time and trying to make to work each morning. WEll, now he’s got a ‘fun’ girl and she’s lashed him down tight. And guess who’s having fun now….:)

    • Yep – I would have been A LOT more fun if I had someone to take care of the kids and house like he did…

  40. Oh, I was told I was being unfaithful by virtue of having a dildo (my pal is a talented glassblower) that HE didn’t pick out….

  41. After we separated he asked me very seriously if I would do him a favor and be celibate. When I told him just what a ridiculous request this was he said, “well at least don’t sleep with anyone in the bed we shared.”

    Yeah sure, buddy. I’ll respect your wishes as you did mine.

  42. Along related lines, 3 freakazoid facts about my cheating ex’s final affair partner, whom she eventually married:

    1. He named the son and daughter in his first marriage James and Kathryn after two captains from the Star Trek franchise, James Kirk and Kathryn Janeway.
    2. When I called his wife to let her know about the affair she said she knew about it and was already beginning to look forward to life without him, saying, “He can wipe his boogers on her bed sheets from now on, since I could never get him to stop doing it.”
    3. During their first Christmas as man and wife, his gift to my ex was a new version of . . . Microsoft Office.

  43. I had a baby in Dec, moved to a different state the following month to start a new job, and had his parents move in with me under my husband’s insistence. He didn’t move with us since he couldn’t find a job, so we saw him every other weekend until he announced in July that he wanted a divorce. Found out a few weeks later that he was having an affair with someone in yet another state and now has plans to move to be with her.

    His parents are still living with me.

            • They are very disappointed in their son. Their way of dealing with the situation is to ignore it. My husband thinks that he has done nothing wrong and doesn’t understand why I won’t talk to him. I went NC on him after my father died in August and he flew to visit his AP the very next week. His mother doesn’t understand why I don’t want to plan our daughter’s birthday party with him.

              • Bud, you are really close. But instead of being chumped she was just abandoned. My husband’s biological father abandoned his mother while she was pregnant with him. His father never even saw him.

                My husband convinced me to have them live with me because his step-father is recovering from cancer and he was afraid he was going to die. How can I have them NOT live with me?

                My own father died of cancer in August.
                My dog of 12 years died in April.
                It’s been a really rough year.

  44. I don’t think this will make the running, but here goes: EX had just moved in with the OW a month after our separation (1 1/2 miles away from our house, no less and on my drive to work everyday) and had double knee replacement surgery. Informed me that I would be “co-emergency” contact with the OW. Then called practically in tears because neither me or the kids came down to visit him at the hospital, even though he was in real pain and he’d make sure that the OW would be at dinner and not in the room when we came.

    Looking back – I must have been the stupidest person in the world to even tolerate such an asshole.

    • Char, not stupid! Trusting, loving and yes, maybe gullible. But isn’t that what marriage is based on–love and trust? So…NOT STUPID! That is negative self-talk and you must rid yourself of it. These cheaters are so good at lying and manipulation. You deserve so much more.

  45. When I had to clean a nasty Trojan virus off the home computer for the THIRD freaking time (!) because it turned out XH developed a penchant for surfing pantyhose porn sites. I wish I could disinfect my own eyeballs after seeing that crap…

    • I probably don’t want to know what a “pantyhose” porn site is like….it cracked me up but I’m NOT going to google that

    • OMG! Same thing here with the porn! Actually blamed it on me……said that he needed a dirty nasty freak in bed and I was not willing to do the sick stuff he wanted, so I was really to blame for the Virus’s!!

  46. My XH said that the kids could live with him and OW, but that I could visit the kids whenever I wanted and that it would be great for me as I wouldn’t have to worry about childcare (because the kids would be cared for someone I could trust (i.e., the OW)) and I could just concentrate on my career!

    • I was told the same thing blueberry! The OW could watch the girls in the summer that way we didn’t have to pay for childcare. Since she “loves them” so much. Is he crazy??????

      • Translation:
        1. OW doesn’t make as much as you theoretically can and is best put to work at childcare.
        2. If you agree to that, it makes it easier to get full custody and then they can sue you for child support, since you have a paying job.
        3. Once the kids are with them, they can control the narrative.

        My ex’s pregnant OW was so determined to get kids away from me (at least my son) that she had him proposing all sorts of stuff to my bewildered son. The best one was to rent an RV to travel to an out of town baseball tournament because “she just wants to get to know you better” You’re gonna eventually pay for that one, bitch.

    • Ha! Ex told the kids they would live with him while I would get a small place close by and he would bring OW over for dinner and if they liked her she’d stay. Turns out I stayed in the home, he got the small place (which was for him to ‘build a home for his children’) he moved final OW very fast and other than a bed and the odd bit of clothing the kids havenothing over there and it is not their home. One of them ‘visits’ him, the other has nothing to do with it.

  47. Here’s a few:

    1) I caught him looking at my dad’s porn and he tried to tell me that it was “just sitting out anyway” (as if that makes it better). This was porn on the computer my dad went to extensive measures to hide in locked files so no one accidentally found it. It was also on my dad’s personal profile that was passworded. Oh, and my mom was in the next room.

    2) Bought a car he couldn’t afford and got to keep it for a week before he had to return it to the dealership. The bank withdrew his loan because of shitty credit.

      • It was weird because he had just promised me not a week before that he’d stopped. I found him and his first answer was “But it’s your dad’s!” Like that was going to make it better. THEN came “it was sitting out.” My dad wasn’t even home.

        I think it either wasn’t my dad’s and that was a really half-assed lie, or he was really digging for it.

  48. Awwww, I don’t get to play? LOL! Well, how about an unofficial entry? And I don’t even need to mention the dancing bigfoot videos, the prancing nude leotard video or the book about himself, which contains such gems as: “Mr Crazy has an innate ability to bring joy to others lives simply by being in his presence,” and “Mr Crazy walks the rainbow beams of balance between hilarity and life problems.” My ex is bad even without that stuff.

    1. He gave his married OW three conditions for their affair: She had to spend one night a week with him, have dinner with him at least once a week and she had to get a secret cell phone to call him because her husband had blocked his number on her regular phone.

    2. During our separation, he sent me a half-consumed box of Cream of Wheat because he said it “gave him gas” and he thought I could use the cereal.

    3. I was told by someone in his family that he had actually bragged to his sister about getting blow jobs from men in his office at work. This was while we were still married.

      • Oh lord, he is the gift that keeps on giving… GIO, see this is why you aren’t allowed in the game!

    • During our separation, he sent me a half-consumed box of Cream of Wheat because he said it “gave him gas” and he thought I could use the cereal.

      LOL. Not sure which is more “classy”: sending a half-eaten box of Cream of Wheat or saying part of the reason you were doing it was it “gives me gas”.

      • Yeah, he is sheer class. I actually briefly considered keeping the cereal because I DO like Cream of Wheat, but I got kind of paranoid that maybe he’d poisoned it or something, so I threw it out.

        My ex thinks farts are hysterical. He definitely has some sort of digestive issues, because he blasts out the loudest, longest, stinkiest farts of anyone I’ve ever encountered, dozens of times each day. And he will do this right in front of friends, right during dinner parties, while riding with people in the car, just anywhere. Then he laughs about it. Have I mentioned that he is in his late 40s, not 12?

        You know, the more I post here, the more I thank God that it’s over. Very therapeutic!

        • I’m glad you tossed the cream of wheat because that was my thought too.

          Your ex makes me thank God my ex is so pedestrian.

        • This is kind of in league with my X’s birthday gift to me of a lunch bag of onions left on the hood of my car. This is when we were first dating! For my final birthday with X, just two weeks before dday, I got a lunch bag full of his favorite granola bars, which he packed in his lunch later in the week. But really GIO, you have me beat with the cream of wheat!

    • #2- Freudian Slip? He’s giving you leftovers?

      I think we’d all like to see the prancing nude leotard video! Tis the season for sharing, you know… 🙂

    • Rainbow beams of balance…, enough said 🙂

      You know Glad, good thing you’re disqualified,you would win, hands down

  49. Tracy there are way to many freaks here to pick. Might want to consider a collage of all these submissions in one large group shot. The image that popped into my mind after reading about all of these freaks is the childrens book “Go Dog Go” where on the last pages there is a drawing of the different dogs having a dog party. Here is an opportunity for the freaks to have a freak party. Maybe some of you remember that.

    or maybe a “Where’s Waldo” type image.

    • OW was the pink cow that wandered onto his field in FarmVille. Ex hoped to win the lottery so he could take the kids and I could take the time to become the wife and mother I should have been from the start. Note: he used our 12 year old wedding photo to “snag” her. Wish I had seen her face when he got off the plane as a mid forties gray haired man .

  50. When I noticed the photo from his gay.com profile was one of us that he had cropped me out of and was in tears, he said “But I really tried without a photo for a long time out of respect for you. But no one would respond in chat because they thought I wasn’t posting a photo because I was ugly!” Asked where he, who showed zero interest in families photos, got the .jpg, he replied, “Remember when I asked you to copy our last few months photos to CDs so I would finally have pics of the kids at work like you wanted?”

    And this was three years before I finally let go of the idea I couldn’t fix this. . .

    • I couldn’t get beyond this part:

      “But I really tried without a photo for a long time out of respect for you” Ha!!!

  51. When I asked my H why he did not stay in France with his new “soulmate”, he said he could not, since he would miss the USA too much(not his daughter or his W). Very patriotic!

  52. Just read through the comments and it triggered another one: Mine got elected a deacon at church (which he hated) and would show up for deacons’ meetings or other church events, drop the kids off in child care (supposedly one of the “perks” of him being a deacon), slip out of the deacons’ meeting or event, and have phone sex in the courtyard of the church.

  53. 1. His excuse for pursuing/wooing OW, one month after we returned from honeymoon: I didn’t like her. She thought too much of herself, I wanted to teach her a lesson.

    2. I rang OW on night I discovered phone records showing their ‘affair’ (took him 2 years to admit it was more than ‘just’ an emotional affair) and called her a whore. She contacted him to tell him to STOP me contacting her or she would send her boyfriend around to see me. He told her that I’d said I wouldn’t contact her again, but if I did, call the police. He told me that she’d threatened to send boyfriend to see me. I said; ‘OK, I’ll show him the phone records’, he said; ‘what an evil thing to do to an innocent person!’

    3. To this day he believes the thing that killed our marriage was my anger at his betrayal. As far as he is concerned, it is proof positive I NEVER loved him, ever.

    • Yep, it was my anger as well that killed our marraige, not him fucking around for what turns out to be quite a number of years. And the final OW also contacted ex when I tried to ring her (stupid me -no point in doing that) and he said to me ‘what is wrong with you? are you psycho?’ Erm, no, dear ex, I was extremely upset to find out the man I loved and the father of my children had been fucking around on me for years, the latest one young enough to be my daughter.

      • I hear you about the ‘stupidity’ of calling the OW – but I figured, hell! sure, the role I was ‘supposed’ to play was dignified, but above all, SILENT victim, but I thought ‘fuck that!’ – why should I be the only one behaving to script! – while it was down to him whether they screwed my life over, she did at least know he was married – after all, she came to the wedding – why should she not be confronted. She got off very lightly with an unkind name-calling!

        • Yeah, I don’t buy the whole ‘head held high’ bullshit very much. I think it’s another way to keep the betrayed from rocking the boat or making people face the reality that someone is fucked up. I am not quiet about what happened but I am quite beyond it. I say I shouldn’t have bothered to ring the other woman because to her that phone call was a challenge and she was going to ‘win’. Plus, she got to play damsel in distress and my ex knight in shining armour. Now, of course, it’s been two years since I removed myself from the picture and even though ex tries to stir things up with me fairly regularly he gets nothing back. Nada. On the rare occasion he contacts me about something I actually need to respond to it’s one or two words answers with a ‘best regards’ kind of salutation. It took me awhile but I finally caught on to the triangulation he was trying to pull – and her as well. ‘Evil wife’ is such a convenient scapegoat for anything that isn’t right between them. Well, this evil wife is long gone so now they’ve got to deal with each other. Apparently it’s getting a bit desperate over there. 🙂

  54. I’ve never posted but this is too much fun to pass up. A few favorite (err…horrifying) freak show discoveries in a ‘nut’ shell:

    1. Oh My Ltd: First, there was a secret obsession with a stripper frequented daily while otherwise pretending to be at work. The real icing though- the subsequent  business plan to make her the star of his imaginary gold mine escort service to ‘fulfill every man’s wildest dream.’ Complete with documented pitch to said stripper, target demographics and revenue projections. 

    If you’re going to be crazy, might as well make it lucrative. Extra gold stars for taking all of papa’s life lessons to heart simultaneously. Oh my alright…

    2. Wedding Night Redux- first weekend getaway with his affair thing (a lovely young waitress of exceptionally high class who indulged in sexual favors with his sibling prior to him) to….the hotel where we got married. His claim upon confrontation: he spent the weekend there journaling in reflection of our life together. 

    And that’s just one of many times taking it to places we’d been romantically. Unravel that little gem of an insanity riddle…

    3. Oh Where Art Thou Little Blue Mail-Order Pills: I coped with one major DDay by scouring my house free of all the bad sleaze juju. Little did I know my home had been made into a treasure trove of Viagra stashes that could easily give an entire army erections for at least a month. Blue pills *everywhere*- including kitchen appliances, bathroom gadgets, garage boxes. 

    The fuck is that? Was he snorting it on the toilet, and sprinkling it into brownies for enhanced effect? Or was it just for prompt readiness should the need arise in the privacy of our garage?

    • The hiding of massive doses of viagra… this is indeed bewildering. Really – just too puzzling. These cheaters are truly a crazy lot.

      • I haven’t been able to crack the Viagra hoarding mystery… but he’s had addictions to almost everything else (gambling, strippers, pot, etc) so that would fit. And apparently, it can happen: http://m.digitaljournal.com/article/334150

        What I do know: even when unemployed, broke and covered by my health insurance to get it for only a few bucks, he still mail orders it weekly for $100+ to a personal PO box 30 min away.

        He’s a colorful type of crazy.

        • I found my NPD exh’s in his travel kit when we were married. Those gawd awful commercials now make me sick rather than laugh.
          I had let myself be convinced that I was the problem for years in the marriage because I had a lower libido than he. I’d given up explaining why rushing didn’t work for me, etc. but you know, all the other women he had been with had been able to respond with the same methods. Trying to explain it to him only led to him walking out and being gone for hours. Fear of abandonment kept me begging him to come back. I feel sorry for the me then. Poor thing. I want to hug that version of me.
          Of course, the irony of his viagra use while blaming me was lost on him. When I turned it around on him and said I wish I had shamed him like he did me, he said I was sadistic and evil. Ha!

  55. When my “x” and I were supposed to be reconciling, he was still seeing his OW (never stopped). He went out to CA on “business” when it really was a trip with her.
    He was nice enough to bring me back a t-shirt…….

      • Mine brought back gifts for the kids – way worse, since you can’t just throw them away once you find out!

        • Ugh. Mine too! The kids were a bit weirded out by the taxadermy blow fish (really!), but noticed that H didn’t bring me anything. My kids said maybe I was
          the lucky one!

          • I can match your coffee CL!

            My H came back from a work trip with co-worker/OW to Surinam (the start of their path to feeling good) with a beautifully worked coral and silver necklace for our daughter, 7 – and a round of gouda cheese picked up from Amsterdam airport for me.

    • Well, mine went to Boston once about 5 years ago. When he returned he showed me the photos and in one there was this woman, smiling. When I asked who she was, he said ‘oh, just someone I know there’. But anyway, he DID bring me a T-shirt back.

      Should have said “My Boyfriend went to Boston to shag a random woman and all I got was this lousy T-shirt”

      I can’t understand what he thought every time he saw me wearing it…!

      Also, recently, when we were separating, he said when I mentioned this: “we were not together when I went to Boston!”, idiot, I had the T-shirt to prove it! Trying to blame his bad memory to not be accused of something he DID Do.

      • What he thought when he saw you wearing the t-shirt? He thought ‘woo hoo, I got one over on her and every time she wears that t-shirt she doesn’t realise how dumb she is and I get a little thrill and get off on this fucked up deception’.

        My ex brought me home a gift from the trip where his affair with final OW kicked off – and then looked shocked when I threw in the pile with the rest of his crap when I threw him out. He honestly picked it up, looked at me all sad and said ‘You don’t want this? Really?’

    • Ooh, speaking of gifts!

      My ex-wife once brought home a professionally framed cartoon drawing of this slacker/grunge dude wearing a gimme hat, flannel shirt, battered jeans and tool belt that my wife said was drawn by her boss at a publishing company, who fashioned himself something of a dark and edgy artist. So it hung in our house for a while (like, a year) until I realized it was ugly and hid it in a closet.

      So, you know where this is going, right?

      After D-day I learn that this guy was an affair partner of my ex-wife’s for YEARS. As in, years of fucking at his house at lunch or, if time was short, her blowing him in his car behind an abandoned shopping center near their office.

      “You stay classy, San Diego!”

      • Got same thing here, Mr. CL, my ex brought his 2 AP’s into our home over the years, as co workers and family friends, One of them painted and presented us with numerous works of art, which hung on our walls (one above our bed at our beachside vacation home) until I took it down and slashed it after D-Day. How f*cking sick.

        • ONe of my ex’s affair partners was a guest in my home many times, at parties and larger dinners. Another was a close friend of mine who I spent holidays with. They both seemed very angry and shocked when I told them to fuck off out of my life.

    • My dday was when my stbxh returned from an international trip and walked in the door and told me had met someone and fallen in love with her while on the trip and was leaving me. Then he later gave me the gifts he bought for me while on the trip…a bottle and type of alcohol for which this particular place is known and a box of chocolate. He said he got the bottle of alcohol for us.

  56. Another one….the first year we were separated…the “x” was still living with his OW…and cheating on her with his current GF…..it was my birthday….he presented me with an Ipad (rather proudly I might add) for my birthday. I took it only to pass along to my kids to enjoy (I can’t afford one..but don’t want anything from him, let them enjoy it). Anyway, found out later…be bought all three of us (me, OW and current GF) Ipads for our birthdays. Laughable……

    • Yup!

      My daughter, OW and I all got pearl necklaces from China. Mine was grey, d’s was pink, and OW’s were natural.
      I was a real Chump then. Asked him why he got 3, and assumed the last one was for his sister. I gave him the lie, from my own mouth!

      He swore blind after D-day that he never gave the OW a pearl necklace. So where is it, then?

  57. How about the ILs? After I filed for divorce, XH was begging me for reconciliation, even though he said his parents and sister would never talk to him again if he got back together with me, as I should have “stood by” my man after I discovered that he had an affair, because that is what a good, loving wife does? After I told SIL about his affair, she said that, even if he didn’t have one, she would have advised XH to leave me, as I “neglected” him, was an “inconsiderate” person, never cooked for him and didn’t keep the apartment clean, though the apartment was messy primarily due to XH’s stuff and I was working a full-time job while taking care of two young kids and XH would typically come home late at night because of work (or so he says).

  58. My once devout catholic husband decided to abandon his wife and 4 kids to pursue fire breathing, BDSM, and polygamy. No joke.

      • Ok, here’s a kicker from just today. He thinks I should combine my bills with him and have his new OW put her name on my lease since neither he nor I have good credit (thanks to filing for bankruptcy due to his joblessness), he’s just trying to be “helpful”, ugg!

        • That’s, uh, wait–WHAT??

          How did your brain not catch on fire from having your life tangled up with such a manipulative douchebag?

          • I honestly was close several times to having a nervous breakdown and did develop anxiety because of his “helpful” behavior. He’s a NPD so …well… there ya’ go…..no fixing these screwed up folks.

        • That sounds just like the pretzel logic my X uses. Also, same joblessness leading to bankruptcy, too! (As I worked my ass off to try to keep ahead of this, which was impossible). They love, love, love a complicated life.

  59. Let me give this a try.

    1. XW sleeping with AP entire time of our marriage. Asks 30 days into it if I regret not being with anyone else. She says his name.

    2. Affair is too complicated for original AP, XW wife sleeps with a women and a dude and then hooks up with a 3rd guy. So those of you at home keeping score. XW has now slept with 3 men and a women before I move my things out (90 days) and in Hawaii 120 days after our wedding with Shrek.

    3. Told me about cheating with the original AP in front of the kids on NYE. What a way to start 2013!

    3a. After Shrek dumps her as soon as we are divorced, she starts sleeping with her best friends XH who was abusive (broke her hand). Oh and did this while her best friend was in the house. Told her that he was going to “tuck her into bed.”

    Even if I don’t win, can the cartoon character have an SW scarlet letter(s) on the chest?

  61. I have to put one more but I stand by my first entry!

    Went to first day of IMAGO MC weekend where we filled out private workbooks on subjects, one question was “what about your spouse makes you angry or upset, list in order of importance”.

    He was hurting too much to return for the second day, I read his workbook. He had one entry under the question above “when wife calls OW a whore”. Yep, we are “working” on our marriage and that’s the thing I do that upsets him.

    When I asked him about it he said, “that was private, you were not supposed to read it, stay out of my things”.

    You just can’t make this shit up, I mean seriously…

    • Yeah, your saying mean things about his APs probably drove him to cheat. Except the cheating had to happen first. Though most cheaters don’t let facts or logic or the laws of physics get in the way of their blame-shifting.

      And that defense-of-the-affair-partner’s-honor thing defies belief, doesn’t it? First, as lying cheaters they have no honor, Q.E.D. Second, if in some dark corner of their personality they’re hiding a crumb or dignity or character or concern for someone else (“He recycles!”), it surely cannot fall to ME, the person f*cked over by their lying and cheating, to pay homage to that crumb.

    • I got one like that too. Her excuse on D-Day #2 for still cheating was that I was so angry about D-Day #1!

  62. 1) HIS MOTHER set them up b/c she hated me & thought OW would be a better daughter in law.
    2) Got furious when she found their dirty emails and pictures, because they were supposed to fall in love not just boink each other
    3) Denied everything after the affair was discovered, even in the face of irrefutable evidence (like mother, like son).

      • No, my MIL was the worse ever. I went away for a trip to visit family and think after dday. Ex was with the kids. Ex MIL came over to stay with the kids a couple of nights so he could go screw OW, telling kids that their dad’s back hurt and he needed to sleep somehwere comfortable. I am dead serious about this.

          • I dunno, hate to one up here…my MIL tried to convince me to remove the PO, here is one of the reasons she gave on the phone:

            “You are partly responsible for this mess”
            When I asked how she said “well, he told me you stopped shaving your legs”

            Mind you, this is after he pulled a gun and threatened to kill himself and me. I have never spoken to her again. And sadly, NO, I am not making this up and NO you don’t want to hear anything else she said that day.

            • My MIL told me I should try being more attractive for him. It was a general slam on my looks, nothing specific, although I’m sure if I asked she would have run down a list. And this was a woman who told me that I was a daughter to her.

        • I would SO win that. People still can’t believe the shit my MIL said to me during all of this, never mind the stuff she actually did. She’s a word that CL won’t allow us to use but bank on it, the woman fits that word to a T. And guess what, she was once the OW.

  63. Long time reader, first time poster here.

    1. After DDay I found a FB message on his phone that he forgot to erase to an AP (there were approx 30 over 20 years by his own eventual admission) that said “if your friends don’t show up to watch me perform you can sit with the wife”. THE wife?! Still makes my blood boil.

    2. This one stings so bad I don’t think I’ve actually said it out loud. After a chumpy lifetime of putting my dreams on hold I went back to school to study psychology and become a therapist. After DDay he said that he had told himself that if I ever found out he was sure it would help me become such a great therapist. As sick as it sounds he was right, I will be an excellent therapist!

      • Right! FUCK him!!! Thanks Chumplady, seriously, for all that you’ve done and do for the chump community!

        • Chumpdiddlyumpcious, you will be a great therapist despite his bullshit, rock on!

          and don’t worry, I think most of the cheaters tell their spouses some version of how what they did helped us. I know mine did it, it’s a rationalization to absolve themselves, don’t let it sting. (jedi hugs)

          • Thanks for the encouragement Datdamwuf. In all actuality I am very lucky. He doesn’t display much of the horrible behavior my fellow chumps have to endure. The way I figure it he did me a favor by giving me a get out of jail free card. I’m one resilient bitch, this nonsense ain’t gonna take me down!

  64. Don’t think I’ll win against such tough competition, but-
    1. When X was heavily in the middle of his neighbor affair, I noticed he was wearing two wedding rings, stacked next to each other. When I told him that’s disgusting, he said ‘oh, they’re both about you!’
    2. I’ve told the story on here before, about how he cooked dinner with AP in MY kitchen, when I was at work all day, and tried to give me the leftovers when I came home.
    3. Him and sicko AP planned a going away party for her next-door neighbors. (They told me they had to sell their house because of the ‘triangle’, couldn’t take it anymore). This required tons of time they spent planning this ironic party at a local restaurant, fun times. At the party, right in front of me, and a 5 and a 7 yr old, AP jokes that what my X wants for a gift is a blow job.

    • My H decided to replace me with an OW who has the very same first name. My then 4 yr old son said “Mommy, there are 2 ‘Janes’, you and daddy’s friend.” I cringe now hearing my own name!

      • I’m so sorry 2janes, trust that he sucks and hey, it’s good I don’t have kids – if this happened to me I’d explain to my child that the OWs name is pronounced Asssshooolllle, but then I’d cause the kid a lifetime of therapy. OTH, my ex NEVER called me by name, he called me ‘hon’ only. Turns out that is exactly what he called/calls his GF. Her name really doesn’t matter 2janes, he traded down and your name is not all you are right? So, I recommend you take a step away from this, start with changing your nickname here to something more appropriate, try “BestJane” or “AwesomeJane” or “SuperJane” (jedi hugs)

  66. You know, some of these stories are hilarious and some are really creepy. Many are absolutely disgusting. But what they all have in common is how DISORDERED cheaters can be. Even ignoring the infidelity, these people are really, really messed up. Everyone here is better off without such a person in her/his life.

  67. Some of these reminded me of this one…don’t know how I could forget it:

    A couple weeks before the wedding he moved into “our” new house in the city, while I packed up my home in the burbs in preparation to move into new house after the wedding. During this time he had a house warming party that I was not invited to, but a few of his at that time current OW were in attendance. Sooo, his favorite whores got a tour of the house that he bought for me!

    Maybe they got a chance to survey where they would screw him when I wasn’t home.

    • Ugh. Shows you what a lie it is when they claim the affairs were an accident, because of all the planning ahead you find out about later.

  68. This is so much fun that I want to play some more!

    1. On wedding night says to me “do you know what I miss?” I say “what?” SW response ‘wine.” She had been sober for 63 days. Never a good sign.

    2. Day after dday asks if I can tell that she has lost 10 pounds. I say “it’s a little too soon for me to comment on your body after you just fucked someone else.” Just saying.

    3. After catching her Saturday night 3 some Sunday afternoon, SW says she had went to church that morning, asked for forgiveness and was now “pure as snow.”

    You can’t make this shit up.

  69. My second (and final) DDay consisted of the following:
    1. Finding out he had lied to me when we first started dating about being separated from his first wife–thus I found out I was unknowingly an OW (horribly painful) through an email I found between him and first wife when she moved back into town. In this email I found out I was the reason for their divorce, yet he told her he only married me “because she wouldn’t talk to him” after she found out he was still in contact with me.
    2. Finding out about another OW in my marriage (one of many) and that she was manipulated the exact same way–he told her he and I were separated. When I asked why he told her that, he said she was separated so it was how he connected and got her “on the hook.”
    3. After the discovery of these emails and my subsequent nervous breakdown, STBX went BACK to a meeting with the professional group OW was a part of (he says she wasn’t at this particular meeting, but still…) and then hosted friends that evening at our house. Several years into our marriage when I would meet people from this professional group, they looked at me puzzled and asked, “so are you newlyweds?”. Um, no. My husband just didn’t mention HIS WIFE so he could carry on a 2+ year affair with one of your members.

    And like so many here, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

  70. My STBX is so banal that he can’t compete in the Freak contest.

    1. On our last anniversary, we had family in from out of town, and STBX suggested that we all go out to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants–and the first time he’d suggested we go out in public since seeing OW. He called to say that he’d be late to dinner, pleading a snafu at work. The receipts from his wallet show that he was having coffee with OW at the local Starbucks when he made that call.

    2. Two weeks before my birthday, I’d sent him my birthday wish list, which mostly consisted of where I could use gift certificates, since I require a professional wardrobe and I’ve lost over 50lbs. A month after my birthday, I get his gift: a cheapo nylon jacket from Cafe Press with a dog sport logo on it. It turns out that he took OW, whose birthday is close to mine, out to a nice restaurant for dinner and took her for a nice outing.

    It is no wonder that every time STBX does something that could be considered semi-nice to me that I speculate on what he’s just done for OW. I’m sure that in his mind, the bread crumbs he sprinkles my way evens out the fact that he’s treating her to full-course meals.

  71. WH told our minister he was raised to attend church each Sunday while I wasn’t, so he had 5 affairs because it was hard living with a bad person (me, the faithful wife of 30 yrs).

  72. 1. Dday was when our daughter got her new cell phone and texts from the OW appeared on her phone! The texts were about how she likes it when he moans and is loud and about getting together when I was leaving town, the following weekend. Daughter comes to me crying and I have to play it cool and tell her, “it must be a wrong number.”
    2. “I told the OW that I loved you and wouldn’t leave you…” Did you ever think that I would leave you??!
    3. When talking about the OW, he tells me that she is a good person (also married with 2 kids and has been fucking around with my husband for 2 years…even, came to our house when I was out of town with the kids). That is a good person? It has taken all my strength to not make contact with the OW, because I don’t want to give her any of my energy, but how does a “good person” do that???

  73. This is not mine, but this reminded me of a story my mum once told me. When she was about 14 and my aunt about 5 or 6, my mum went to pick her up from a play date, in a house where the wedding photograph was displayed prominently as soon as they walked in. Then they went to pick something up from my mum’s friend’s house about 5 minutes away, and when they went into the house, surprise, another wedding photograph with the same guy! My aunt quickly pointed that out and starting asking why was the same guy in the photograph, mum had to hurry her out of the house.

    The cheek.

  74. 1. I’d just given birth to our first baby. The next night I sent him home from the hospital so that he could “get a good nights sleep” as it was better off one of us being well rested! He invited the OW into our home, and f*#ked her for the first time in our bed. Needless to say he was late back to the hospital the next morning after such an exhausting night…

    2. He invited me and our new 4 week old baby around to OW house (she was a “friend” from work) to visit. She had lots of cuddles with the baby. I find out much later that the point was to make them both feel better about the “situation”, and help make sure I don’t get suspicious (hiding in plain sight!)…They were joking about how he had to pretend not to know his way around the kitchen whilst making us coffee…Hilarious!!

    3. When I’d finished playing the pick-me-dance and kicked him out for the final time, he packed up some of his stuff and went to his Mum’s house. Apparently that needed to include our couple’s vibrator. I guess he either didn’t want me using it on my own, or he was going to recycle it for use with the OW….W.T.F.

    • My X did that too….with our vibrator…..he took it to use on OW…..EWWW…..what a pig….needless to say….I let her keep it- 🙂
      I tell you…..reading these posts.. …the life of a Chump…..you cant make this shit up. ..

  75. One of the most cathartic things I did to push through the pain of betrayal and fear of divorce was to write down a “Goodbye To…” list. I’m up to 12 pages! It was hard to pick only 3, but when I thought “freak,” these really popped…

    Goodbye to…

    …your fake hair and skeevy mustache that you photoshopped onto your Facebook and work profile pictures, the places where you met and had your “secret romance” with your bimbo. You spent more money on hair products and anti-gas medicine than anything else. A poser and a windbag, all around.

    Discovering that you pour cheap hooch in expensive liquor bottles so everyone thinks you keep a well-stocked bar. When I expressed horror, you proudly bragged that you went behind a local bar and picked out expensive liquor bottles from their trash.

    Watching you talk into the ear of your father’s body as he lay dead in his casket. I remember thinking how it was longest I had ever seen you speak to him. I waited for you to walk to the limo heading to the church, and tried to hold your hand as we walked out. You pushed me in front of you as though I was making you late for a bus. Your bimbo was waiting for you outside, staring daggers at me with her crossed eyes.

  76. Forgot one!

    4. One night he disappeared for the night until 2am (at the pub with “the boys”) while I’m at home recovering from really bad mastitis, with our 10 day old baby. I was so freaked out I’m calling hospitals, police as up to that point he’d NEVER not call home and tell me where he is, and I thought something terrible must have happened!!…He was f#%king the OW at the office, and used his t-shirt to put underneath them so she didn’t get carpet burn. He came home to me (I was absolutely beside myself balling my eyes out) and hugged me wearing that same t-shirt….Gross.

  77. After my pending status husband spent a long weekend celebrating his AP affair anniversary this March (10 yrs! Woot!) at the Rancho Bernardo Inn-complete with golf, massages and poolside tans- my husband brought me back an RB Inn coffee mug. Gee. Thanks.

  78. The first of these isn’t really in the spirit of this contest, but it will always be the most horrifying thing about my husband’s affair, so I want to list it even though it’s sad. The other two aren’t barnburners, but I love not being alone with this stuff!

    1. The night before our weeks-old baby’s brain surgery, he told me that he now knew what really mattered in life and that I had to let him go break up with his affair partner for good: “It’s all happening right now.” You guessed it: he left me alone in the neurosurgery NICU with our baby and met Holly in a hotel, where they drank and had sex until seven in the morning…. an hour AFTER the scheduled start of my baby’s brain surgery. Morally bankrupt losers.

    2. He spent the first Valentine’s Day after his affair was discovered at a strip club with a stripper he said looked like his sister, then nervously asked me not tell his affair partner that he’d done “something like that.” As if he was afraid she’d have cause to think he wasn’t pure as the driven snow!

    3. He told me that one thing I could do to help fix our marriage was to be more open with him. I frantically agreed and asked what I could tell him to help him feel closer. His response: I should tell him what Holly’s husband had said to me about her. Hahahahaha!

    • Going to fuck his AP while his infant is having brain surgery……. there’s a special spot in the burny place for him. That is so horrible.

    • Wow you’ve topped me there… Being abandoned with a healthy newborn is bad enough… But him fucking off with ow during brain surgery???
      Just wow. I hope you have custody and that pathetic unfeeling creature limited time with the child.

    • Oh. My. F****g. Goodness.

      I am confident they are currently constructing a new and more horrific ring of hell just for your ex, AR. With the AP while your baby is undergoing brain surgery !?!?!? There are no words……….

    • There actually are some people who Satan had to toss out of hell because they were too foul even for him. Your husband is one of those people.

    • OK – this has to be the most horrible thing I have ever heard. Screwing OW while his baby is having brain surgery!! What could have possibly been going through his mind to do such a thing? He is without a doubt a sick sociopath and I hope you have boundaries and walls surrounding you and your precious child that he will NEVER be able to climb over.

    • Oh gosh. Thanks so much for the supportive messages. That was such a dark time… I wish I’d had the CL community back then! This is such an amazing place.

      • Rebecca? TELL EVERYONE.

        That is absolutely disgusting and despicable.

        I hope your baby came through it well xxx

  79. I offer this weird shit because this is one where a picture would be worth a thousand words: My Ex was living with OW#1 in Florida for a few years and fighting the divorce, and for a year he was cheating on her with OW#2 in California, while telling me he wanted to reconcile in still another state. Before I found out about OW#2 and was considering reconciling, I went with him to a doctor’s appointment and saw that he weighed 310 pounds (bald and ugly too) and had serious medical problems. I found out about OW#2 and decided to file for adultery. Then OW#1 called me and she had just found out he was cheating on her with OW#2. She was pissed! She wanted to know if he was with me, and I had to break it to her that he was in CA, with OW2, at a nudist resort spa. That made her really mad because that was THEIR romantic rendezvous!! Then she laughed and said whenever they went there he (late 50’s, fat, bald, & ugly) spent a lot of time flirting with the 20-something hotties, who tried to escape as fast as possible, What a picture! Sorry he settled before the divorce trial because I hoped to tell that story to a female judge. Fat Boy’s Birthday suit!

        • I know, right? He tells everyone he is a multi-millionaire (family property trusts). Even his own divorce attorney said it was the money that attracted these OW’s. There were 6 OW’s in a 10 year period, but long-term OW#1 lasted 8 years, and he lives with OW#2. Sadly, I don’t miss his entitled ass, and when people ask about the divorce, I tell them I lost 310 pounds!

    • My X weighed 310 lbs when he took up with the skank. She was 70. She helped him find a cenegenics doctor to take of his ED (the doctor is also a gynecologist with a practice or genital plastic surgery, who also can enhance the g-spot all this from his website) and a psychologist friend to help his self esteem. He was recovering from a heart procedure. All within two weeks time. Two months he dropped the D-bomb. He just wanted to be happy for the few remaining years of his life. That was four years ago. He is living in an RV Park and still making booty calls at the skunks every weekend. And she is his second AP. There must be some kind of magic cirling the air around these 300 lbs.

      • Karma’s a bitch, a skank, and an RV park. So sad. I think I read on this website that when a narcissist looks in the mirror and sees something he doesn’t like (300+ pounds), he washes the mirror!

  81. Ex: “My girlfriend kicked me out. Do you think your Mom will let me live in the basement?”

    15-yr old daughter: “No…duh”

  82. A year and a half ago, I was supposed to have a D&C to deal with serious bleeding and a very large polyp. When I woke up from the procedure, the doctor said, “I couldn’t get in, you are scarred shut. I’ve only ever seen this one other time in 20 years . . . . here’s a referral to the best GYN-oncologist in LA…” (…so we know what the other poor lady had, right??)

    I made the appointment to see the oncologist, full of every fear you imagine one feels. I was only 41, we have kids… my (now ex) DH had to be out of town, he couldn’t come with me. So I had to walk through those doors alone, which nobody ever should have to do. (exDH is in medicine himself, he’s not stupid about that.)

    When I discovered his misdeeds earlier this year and began to conduct forensics on our finances, I found a receipt for two nights in a local hotel . . . while I was at the cancer doctor. While I was recovering from my subsequent total hysterectomy a couple weeks later, he took one of his AP’s up the coast for a nice getaway (also “business”.)

    It will shock nobody here, that I did not have cancer (…thank goodness for that, though.) I’m positive he must have infected me with a PID-causing STI infection years before. Thanks for the near-castration, hope the hotel was nice.

    At least hysterectomy means never having to say, “Sorry, I’m on my period . . . ” now that I’m having fun in the dating world :-P.

  83. My ex wife (Dr. Botox), shortly after dday begged me to watch kids extra days for a “procedure” that she said was emergency cancer screening. Turned out it was a boob job for her new dork (now married less than 7 months after dday). Glad I never paid for one when she begged me now that I know who it was for!

  84. 1. My STBX & his OW created phony Facebook personalities for themselves named Damon & Amanda who are British for some reason. (BTW – STBX & OW are in their 50’s)

    2. Damon & Amanda got “engaged” during the brief period STBXH & I were in marriage counseling.

    3. OW (Amanda) took a photo of the room number (702) of the hotel room where they first fucked & posted it as her Facebook cover photo.

    • Final OW posted pictures of places she was meeting ex, such as the café very close to our home, where he would apparently stop by while ‘out for a jog’. This is the same café we went to on Sunday mornings as a family. We live in a city. There are a lot of cafés available. But then, he took her to every restaurant we went to as a couple or a family. He even took her, on their first two trips together, to the final two places we had visited as a family. He didnt’ understand why this upset the kids. When I pointed it out he said ‘Oh, hadn’t thought about that’ with a vacant look on his face.

      I sometimes wonder why I thought he was intelligent.

      • The weekend after leaving me, my ex took OW to one of the restaurants that we had gone out to in the beginning of dating and some other times since. I don’t think it would ever occur to him to not go to the places he likes best. I think he just thinks of it as “the restaurant I like” and not as “this is the restaurant that NorthernLight and I used to enjoy coming to.” I don’t think my particular ex’s motivation is bad; he’s just concrete in his thinking and doesn’t embue things with emotional significance. Plus…it’s just easier to repeat what you know and like. No effort required to figure out a new plan of action. I don’t think he’s take her to every one of our favorite places, but I guess it is totally possible he is working his way through the list and I just don’t know. (Thankfully!)

  85. Well, one holiday season my ex presented me and the kids with cookies baked by “a friend from my hometown.” Yes, I unknowingly ate cookies baked by the OW. Merry dysfunctional Christmas, ya’ll.

    • Jade and Lyn – WOW. The illicit sex isn’t enough, is it? Nope. That gets boring after a while. So they have to sneak in cookies and presents and whatever else they can fly in your face. It’s an adrenaline sport. Ick.

      • Oh, and my ex’s AP used to pick up his dry cleaning and bring it to our house for him. I was like WTF?

    • Yeah, I think my OW helped my husband pick out my mother’s day gifts the last mother’s day we lived together. And that first Christmas/Valentine’s day/etc. he kept sending cookies and other baked goods home with our kids from her, when I too am an avid baker and don’t need cookies from her! I did get one of her recipes from her ex, however in case my kids liked it because he forced them to eat them in front of him! 🙂

    • LOL! My Ex sends home with our kids cookies and sweets baked by the OW when they visit with him. One of his criticisms of me when we were married was that I didn’t cook/bake enough to suit him (since my busy schedule of a full-time managerial position that was our main income wasn’t enough for him…I had to be Martha Stewart as well since takeout on nights I worked late just was not acceptable). Guess where those little treats always end up as soon as he drives away….in the trash where I wish I could throw him as well!!

  86. After I discovered my STBX was having an affair I discovered that, 4 weeks after separating, he was seeing another woman. When I asked him about this he said, “Yes I have a new girlfriend now.”

    Dipshit, you weren’t supposed to have the “old” girlfriend.

  87. On DDay, after I discovered an incriminating email from the OW that began, “Now that you’ve seen me naked …,” he insisted she had a dream about him seeing her naked and that I was just totally nuts.

    This is the actual email from him to me (note the bizarre reference to epilepsy for bonus points):

    “You are self-destructing. Going through my personal emails and wildly taking things out of context. She had a dream about me once and we teased each other about it. You’re accusing me of things and its rapidly destroying our marriage.

    If you actually knew her, you’d understand there is nothing to any of this. She had a dream. That’s how it all started. That explains the references. There is no smoking gun.
    She has severe epilepsy and everyone was always upbeat and nice to her.”

    • Apparently the epilepsy causes people to be upbeat and nice to her which in turn causes her to be upbeat and nice and have dreams of the upbeat and nice people seeing her naked, after which she sends an email to the nice people telling them about the naked dream.

      I’m glad he cleared that up for you, otherwise you might have been confused.

      • I really liked being able to post that 🙂 Until now, every time I read it, it was like a punch in the stomach. Now I can finally see that it’s ridiculous and it makes me laugh. Thanks fellow chumps!

  88. 1. Approximately 12 or so years into the marriage, my STBX started frequently wearing women’s underwear. He ended up having more Victoria Secret panties than I did (thongs mostly).

    2. For the past 6 or 7 years, he has seriously been into S & M and enjoyed (enjoys?) being urinated on (his excuse for seeking out the prostitutes). He was frequently disappointed with my inability to be dominant enough, even though his “list” included one of my flaws as being “too controlling.”

    There’s worse, but I’ll just go with those two for now. I’m curious if he has revealed his panty collection and “golden shower” fetish to the minister OW, who he describes to my adult children as being a “good” person. Define “good” Dude.

      • Kelly,

        He would say that you are judging him by your Judeo-Christian beliefs but he doesn’t believe there’s anything wrong with what he’s doing. He would tell you there’s something wrong with you judging him. And I know this because when I first discovered his new “hobby,” I was flummoxed and asked him why he enjoyed it and when did it begin to appeal to him. He took that as me judging him and proceeded to, in his supercilious manner, lecture me on the narrow-mindedness of my Judeo-Christian beliefs.

        So his OW being a minister totally makes sense. Apparently her Judeo-Christian beliefs are situational and fluid.

        • OMG Princess, I forgot his OW is a minister, how crazy! Isn’t it wonderful to be lectured to by these damaged POS’s!!

  89. After 25 years of marriage, I kicked my ex out upon learning of his long term affairs and group sex with “family friends;” this was only 2 weeks after I had paid off over $20,000 of his credit card debt, and just before he drained our children’s college accounts and re-routed our tax return to himself. In order to get a quick divorce, I also agreed to pay him over $115,000 and to take over most of the marital debt.

    While waiting for divorce decree to come through, however, ex was kind enough to write me a note on a local grocery store receipt and offer me his gas discount of 30 cents a gallon…. since he was traveling with his AP’s that weekend, it would expire before he could use it.

    • Wow, you really bought your way out of that mess!
      I had to give my X 3,000 for his signature on the papers to sell our house last month, or he wouldn’t sign! I was just so fed up, he’s a giant trouble-maker to the end.

      • I just had to pay 1347.77, and 140.00 for the ticket to get the family car registered. He had let the registration lapse before he left me and didn’t tell me for awhile and then refused to sign the paper so that I could get it registered myself.
        It only took me refusing to sign the settlement agreement, asking to see the judge, asking to go to trial and firing my lawyer to convince everyone that something needed to be done about it.

        • PS- I couldn’t get him to sell or apply for a loan modification, so he just let our house go. It was auctioned last week and I just heard Tues, that he was wondering about it. Too little too late.

          • Right after dday, my ex stopped paying the mortgage on our house. He lived there for 2.5 YEARS without paying, and took in boarders he found on Craigslist for income. When the house was finally to be auctioned, he filed bankruptcy THAT DAY, which automatically stalls the foreclosure for a few months while the bankruptcy is settled. He gained around four months that way, and then the house was auctioned.

            That foreclosure and bankruptcy are also on MY credit rating, thanks a lot, fucktard.

        • The financial ass-kicking we get from the delusional cheaters is epic. It’s part of their value system that includes the world giving them cars, houses, love and sex with zero effort on their part! I’m working on being less cynical now that I’m out of that orbit. When I moved back to my home state to finally get away from him, I said you know ‘Numbnuts’ , I’m going to be happy, and do very well, by myself. He said ‘I know’.

          • Glad, PattyToo and Sweet Sunny– These guys are so used to a free ride, my theory is they don’t know how to do it the right way any more, whether it’s finances or our marriages, they think they have to game the system. I got rid of my ex while he was still drinking his own kool aid.

      • I was three days from being homeless with the kids and ex was not willing to sign a piece of paper that would allow us another month to find a place. I had to borrow money to pay for an extra month up front before he would sign and extend the sale. I will hate him until the day I die for putting me and the kids through that. It was absolute hell and I could barely function I was so scared.

  90. I found out that my husband was on a vacation with an OW, instead of his friends, as he led me to believe. I demanded he come home when I realized what was going on, and he did. And he got angry at me when I didn’t seem glad to see him. And he continued to throw that up in my face over the next 18 years, as proof that I didn’t love him.

    You can’t make this shit up.

  91. I wish I could join in; my exH is not s disordered as most of yours. Just a lying, lazy, selfish, coward wephe it came to the marriage and infidelity.

    Maybe a sign of his true self:
    While divorce was underway, he attempted to move in the AP/girlfriend pregnant, and told daughter to keep it a secret because I would be mad.

  92. Another first time poster, but this is too good not to play 🙂
    a) he told me that it was my fault that he grew so close to OW because I had kicked him out (the first time) and he HAD to live with her those two months.
    b) when he finally came home and we were trying to reconcile I asked him if he missed me and our then 14 month old daughter – he said he missed the kitchen (which we had remodeled 2 years prior).
    c) and my new namesake….one of the MANY reasons he used to justify his cheating: in the 7.5 years that we lived together he never once told me he didnt like raspberry jam. apparently he hates it so much that he used it as a ‘valid’ excuse to justify his cheating because I kept buying it because he never told me he didn’t like it. The MC just laughed at this.

  93. I have to add this one that happened this weekend. The EX said after I’ve been going NC that my attitude changes when I get my “whore money” referring to the money he is “giving” me for the household bills and taking care of our son. He said I get the money for “doing nothing” which to him is me not having sex with him. I was called a whore many times this weekend which is hysterical considering I was completely faithful to him while HE was the one whoring around with a fellow whore!

  94. My ex-husband explained that if he had to do a Number Two at work and someone entered the stall next to him, he would start cussing. I never got a clear explanation why he did this. I am sure the innocent offenders knew it was him in his weird-ass shoes (fugly crocs, bowler shoes, etc), but there really is no good way to approach a colleague with such odd behaviors.

    This isn’t Jerry Springer cheating crap. But it is just one of the effed up things he did. Aside from his bizarre eating habits. Traveling was always a bitch because we had to fill the suitcases with Poptarts.

  95. When I told him I was pregnant he questioned paternity and got huffy.

    When he found out that I would pretty much need his permission to leave the state if I had his child, he tried to convince me that this was the best opportunity for a woman of my age and means to have a child with a secure future.

    About 8 hours after I had surgery for what turned out to be a ruptured tubal pregnancy, he complained to one of the OW “Why is this happening to meeeeeee???”

    • “Questioned the paternity?!” THAT was his first question?

      Only from the mind of a cheater.

      I would have been FURIOUS!

  97. 1. One morning before he moved out but after DDay, we were lying in bed, and I was crying and I told WS I didn’t know if I would ever find another man I loved as much as I loved him.

    2. Two minutes later, while shaving and half naked, mid downstroke in the shave, he runs out of the bathroom with a look of pure delight on his face to say something very exciting to me.

    3. He says, “You know who would be PERFECT for you? OW’s ex husband!”.

    He was serious. Still smiling as my jaw dropped. Yeah. Perfect. Let’s double date.

    • The old, “You should date too, so I don’t feel so bad about cheating on you.”

      I got that, too. My XH said, “It wouldn’t bother me to see you with someone else.”

      But they don’t really mean it. They THINK they do, but as soon as reality sets in with AP, they still want to keep you as an option, even if you divorce. They WILL get jealous and make snarky remarks if you date others.

      Yet another example of their disordered minds…

    • Voila! Problem solved and tied up with a pretty red bow! It’s amazing how immature the disordered can be. Like perpetual toddlers in a grown-up body. This one really made me shake my head in wonder, but I have no problem visualizing it, or understanding how proud your ex was of himself for coming up with this brilliant solution.

  98. Moved out the day before our youngest child’s birthday. Returned the next day to hand our son a “birthday” card, one I’d seen in his dresser drawer for months. It says on the front, “Not all who wander are lost.” HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SON!! Smell ya later!

    xH disapproved of me taking Advil once a month or so for migraines. One hour later and I’d be back up and at ’em! Then he left me for a BPD alcoholic. So there’s a drug of choice.

    • I was stuck living in the house with ex for five months after dday. The day I finally was able to move out, along with our son, into my own apartment, I woke up to find a card left from ex. He had left earlier to run some kind of race with both of his married OW’s (they were all personal trainers back then).

      The card was a Miss You! type, and he’d written how sad and weird it was for him that I was moving out. Nothing about the REASON I was moving out, of course. He didn’t get home from the race until that night, and I was long gone by then. He couldn’t have been that sad, because he had a big party at the house the next morning, attended by his two OWs and a bunch of their mutual friends.

  99. The entire duration of my ex’s long-term affair he thought is a brilliant idea to make his girlfriend our daughter’s mentor. So from the time said daughter was 14 – 19 ex fostered this vastly inappropriate relationship. Ironic point #1 – my daughter and GF traveled to Women in Leadership conferences that focused on women supporting other women. Ironic point #2 – when I discovered this and tearfully asked ex how he could sanction this, his response was “mentoring young women is what GF does.” My retort was “does she also DO all of the fathers?”

    • My ex told daughter 17 that it was not necessarily a bad thing that gf was only 22. They could be friends and miss 22 as a dream inspirer of teens could help miss 17 achieve all her dreams. He is still wondering why miss 17, with more integrity in her finger nail, won’t talk to him? Um….der!

  100. Is another submission allowed?

    When my ex was about 30 years old, his dooda started sticking out at a lower angle. Guess what?! It was MY FAULT for holding it at “the wrong angle” when I gave him BJ’s. He was really upset about it, too.

    There is *nothing* that cannot be blame shifted onto us!

  101. Hullo, first time poster, longtime lurker! 🙂
    OW was treated as a family friend and was included in block Thanksgiving and Christmas parties. She was in the middle of a divorce to a guy she said was cheating on her and gathered all kinds of sympathy. She claimed she was going to find a nice tall tanned local boyfriend (we are in HI) to surf with. My STBXH is a pale short Mexican guy that she was making out with and probably had sex with in my garage the night she first said that.
    STBXH claims she’s a nice gal and if I just swallow my pride, she can help me and get me a job.
    She planned her kid’s birthday party on my wedding anniversary, weeks after DDay and StBXH leaving me and STBXH invited them and he didn’t see what the big deal was. I mean it’s not like she helped plan our anniversary celebration the year before, including babysitting our kids- oh wait, she did.
    STBXH had a couple of strokes a couple of months after leaving me and moving in with OW (he is only 37). The first time his work called me. I rushed to the ER and had to see OW in the waiting area. I went back to talk to him and he said”we could take turns visiting him.” Later on he tried to say it wasn’t a stroke, it was a allergic reaction to a tangerine seed he ate.
    Our friends and family (including his) find the tangerine excuse too funny. They find reasons to buy me tangerines now. 😉

      • One of our friends did tease him about the tangerine and asked him to eat one just for shots and giggles. He wasn’t amused.
        Now he calls anyone who was our friend preaffair a stranger and barely talks to his family.
        Our youngest actually is allergic to bananas, and might go into shock the next time she touches one and he still tries to give them to her. Thankfully the older siblings stopped him.

  102. My husband told me the day after dday that I could use my wedding ring again, if I want, if I marry someone else one day.

    • when my divorce was nearly final my ex emailed and said that he knew I never liked the wedding ring he bought me so could he have it back…

    • Why not wear the same dress as well? It’s good to be thrifty and recycle, right? LOL, what a freak!

      My ex was upset when he found out I’d sold my wedding ring shortly after moving out of our home, despite the fact that we were in the middle of divorce proceedings. He said he kept his as a “memento” of our marriage. Nice. I would pretty much be willing to bet he’s sold that memento for money by now, though.

      • My ex took back my diamond wedding set after I finally filed for divorce and my lawyer got him to move out. He felt entitled to have it back as I was the “villian” who chose to end our marriage. I decided to let it go, so I have never mentioned it to him. I am sure it bugs him that I don’t care. After living with a raging narcissitic serial cheater for 26 years, it was a small price to pay for freedom!

  103. Some of these other posts jogged my memory!

    1. X2B works for an “important” government agency and throughout his career was so into appearances and following “the rules” (he wouldn’t even take a cup of coffee from a “client”). Shortly before he left, he had gotten promoted to a management/leadership role and at a leadership development conference. In this time he kept talking about the importance of ETHICS AND COMMITMENT and how important they were (yes he would make a commitment to his job and leave his family because a COMMITMENT IS A COMMITMENT. His words.) Oh, and as I mentioned before, OW was the church pianist and all around “perfect” model church going woman. Yes, your taxpayer dollars paid for them to plot and plan this affair too! 🙂
    2. When all this was going down he screamed “reasons” to me: I didn’t HEM THE CURTAINS and I didn’t WASH THE WALLS! (Um, is it still 1940? For the record, I did wash walls before! But I do suck at hemming curtains!)
    3. First (?) OW from earlier in our marriage (yes I had suspected back then but couldn’t prove it and we were younger so I dropped it): Shopping in the mall with our kids and ran into this “alleged” OW, also a co-worker. Her boys excitedly ran up to my husband and shouted ” * * * !!!!” (his name). I cannot remember what exactly I said to him, but I think it was something along the lines of so just how do her kids know your name unless you’ve spent time with them and why would they know you????????? Wished I would have asked that in front of her and her husband at the time. (My kids NEVER ran up to any of my or his co workers that excited to see them and call them by name! Nor was this a co worker “we” hung out with/were close to where he had reason to be with her kids! He denied that affair to this very day also!).

    Yeah, I do not like how my marriage ended, but after remembering all this, I guess it’s a blessing in disguise. Just still not sure I will ever get over all the lies and be able to reconcile his early behavior (his romantic letters and all the gushy stuff he said in them) to the man at the end of my marriage! Maybe I did make a good man go bad! 😉 I know, Chump Lady, I re-read your posts often to get it to sink in!!!

    • One of the lame ass excuses for the affair was that I didn’t buy him what he wanted for Christmas two years before. He felt so unappreciated. We also “never loved each other”. Yeah, after almost 20 years a couple and 12 married and five kids, he sure had me and everyone we encountered fooled.
      I have a collection of loving letters too. He was in the military and oh how we were so in love during deployments and when he got back.
      I know I didn’t break him and neither did you. They were weak to begin with and the OW finished them off and now she has an even weaker man.

    • I vote for ‘not hemming the curtains or washing the walls’! This is so hilariously out of date, I love it!
      Why didn’t he spend his day off washing all the damn walls in the house? Who was stopping him?

      • I didn’t even realize walls were supposed to be washed! LOL! I feel good when I vacuum the floors and clean the bathrooms!

      • I learned walls are “supposed” to be washed when I moved to a place where they don’t repaint the apartments before the next new tenant moves in. Hence, people wash their walls here. Before here, I had never heard of washing walls and wondered why. Finally came up with the no-paint theory.

    • Yeah whenever I see an unhemmed curtain I get an overwhelming urge to boink the next guy I meet.

    • My ex’s AP’s kids called him Uncle. When I asked him why they called him Uncle, he said “they call every adult Uncle.” I found that interesting because they didn’t call me anything.

  104. Ok here goes: 1. He had to save her from her horrible husband. I asked who was going to save me from mine. 2. He gave her a diamond cross necklace. I told him you gave her the symbol of Christianity while breaking one of the Ten Commandments ? 3. He took a week to break up with her and involved his sister because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings! What the fuck about mine, oh wait I’m not 2 years older than your daughter that MUST be why MY feelings don’t matter!!

  105. My soon to be XH slept with his prostitute OW in my bed after flying her to our home when I was out of town. Dropped me off at the airport and picked her up. Sold investments to support her to get her out of her “business”. Believes he is the only man in her life as he is in love with her -haha-she has him snowed. Found his list of sexual escapades he planned with her while we were in MC. What a joke!

  106. We could have a whole new contest for “stupidest things they said in MC.” First time, post D-Day, we went to MC we had seen a few times years before but he had never admitted the OW. He wasn’t even sheepish when he admitted the affair (and forgot to mention the 4 OW’s he had slept with by then). Then he says, “This has all been so unfair to poor….OW! She has had to live with a part-time boyfriend.” He went on to refer to her throughout the session as his girlfriend. The MC told him if he didn’t break off the affair, she couldn’t counsel us because it would be like counseling an alcoholic while they are still drinking. Needless to say, we never went back. He kept the affair going.

    • You had a good MC counselor. When my ex said he couldn’t just cut all contact (after I found he had lied about do so), our MC turned to me and asked if it would be OK for my husband to email the OW for a month longer…bad soul sucking MC.

      • WTF? I am going to switch specialties and be a psychotherapist for chumps!! How can so many MC’s be so delusional??

        • When my H told his counsellor last he was back in touch with OW, she replied ‘she must have forgiven you’.

          I seriously want to contact her and ask her if she REALLY said that.

          What is with these counsellors?

  107. Ok I can’t resist gonna have to try and I will try to keep this weird freakishly humorous instead of depressing:

    1. For those of us who have small boys children at daycare…where they have the boys sit to pee and hold thier “unit” down between their legs (to avoid the overspray issues) My ex still does this as a 40+ year old man because that was how mom taught and required him to pee. (can we say FOO issues)

    2. Had OW drive him to his “secret vasectomy appointment” (as a side note it was VERY painful for him because one of the tubes was short and they had to pull it down to manipulate it…serves your right)

    3. Had to “service” himself at least once a day because I was not meeting his needs…On the days that he was being SUPER passive aggressive he would leave the item used for his self “servicing” on my pillow on the bed just so that I knew what he had to do that was my fault……….

    WOW….I look at what I wrote with complete shock and disbelief….its as freakish as it looks…….

    • “On the days that he was being SUPER passive aggressive he would leave the item used for his self “servicing” on my pillow on the bed just so that I knew what he had to do that was my fault……”

      OMG, what a nasty, unbelievably passive-aggressive thing to do. Just disgusting. I wish you had dunked his toothbrush in his “stuff” then put the toothbrush back in his bathroom.

      I did some really, really bad things to my ex’s toothbrush during the time we lived together after dday. Really bad.

    • My ex still does this as a 40+ year old man because that was how mom taught and required him to pee. (can we say FOO issues)

      YES, Yes, Bubbles……….. finally someone who’s XH did this, and mine never used a urinal in the men’s loos, always used the cubicle- he defo has FOO issues…………..

      Had to “service” himself at least once a day because I was not meeting his needs…
      Yes, again mine left his ‘dabby tissue’ as he called it, in the bed, under the pillow, in his bathrobe…………………..UURGGGhhhh

      Also, My XH Never ever put his laundry in the basket after wearing it, ‘Mommy’ taught him to hang things up until they needed to be washed. I remember walking into our hotel room on holiday one year and counted about 12 or t-shirt and shirts hanging over every piece of furniture/door- even the TV cabinet!!!!! the chamber maid must have thought he was a fruit loop…………………

      I can’t believe I put up with that shit………………..for nearly 18 years!!!!!!

      • Digbert…..Wait….we are one and the same…..I was with mine for almost 18 years as well….scary and freaky gets scarier…….

        I did LOL “Dabby Tissue” UMMMM at least he TRIED to put it away…Mine LEFT IT ON MY PILLOW…and when confronted would say “Oh one of the kids interrupted me and I couldn’t clean up………”

        ARRGHHHHHHHHHH!

    • the more i read these, the more i think there should be a community of sage women and men in each community (NOT MCs cause they are just terrible), who you can go to to dispel bullshit. Like a Gaslighting Busters.

  108. Thank’s GIO…..I think we may have had similar ex-s he was REALLY awful…like when he told me I didn’t mourn the death of our child appropriately……..but that was depressing…….there is something so sick and wrong……

    oh and another thing…he wanted me to go be with OW#4 husband…can’t we just SWAP?

    HELLO I DONT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ANY OF YOU DISORDERED WING NUTS

    • There really are some people who deserve to be shot by a firing squad or sent to the guillotine. The ones needing it are former spouses and spouses of people on this site. WTF!!! Was this ass your husband or your pimp?!!!

      • Chump Princess I can only guess that if i went with OW#4’s husband problrm solved we coukd just swap…..I later heard rumors about a secret swingers society that this other couple belonged to……and when I found out about AP#3 I was I forged that we had an open marriage and I was also sleeping around? wTF like when did I have time to do that between 3 kids a more than full time career and housework? I just prayed to get to bed before midnight most nights……..

  109. BTW GIO…..I LOVE YOU…you are my HERO….I can only dream about the bad things I wanted to do…at the time I was just heartbroken that I was failing.

  110. Oh how could I forget two more total freak moments that have forever scarred my psyche:

    1. In false reconciliation MC, he was asked told to write me a formal apology. It took weeks, including him once attempting to write it in his car 5 min prior. That’s remorse right there.

    When he finally presents it, it begins with the Hail Mary, and notes that the Ave Maria, which his uncle sang at our wedding, is the Latin version of that. He explains that he is drawing strength from that wedding moment to redeem for his sins to me and our marriage and if only I can forgive  him, he’ll spend the rest of his life making it up to me.

    But of course- he was still with his affair thing, still lying and planning an elaborate getaway for her birthday (same week as mine) 2 weeks later.

    2. On that birthday, he gives me a card entitled  ‘To the Most Amazing Wife I’m So Lucky to Have’
    Followed by a quick local dinner. 

    She got a trip to a 5-star resort out west. He just disappeared that weekend, no notice to work or me or anyone. And upon receiving concerned phone calls and emails from us while MIA, responded with a crazy email to all of us in his family about needing to get away to think alone, but could we all be available for a family meeting that Monday so he could begin the healing process with us.

    No one showed up, and he got fired- leaving me to cover all the bills for a year.

    Psychopath.

    • Wow. What a total a*hole/creep/flake! I can only imagine that, whatever the challenges you face, your life will be better without such a person in your life.

      • Thanks nomar 😉 I’m working on healing, post-sociopathy adventure I wouldn’t wish on anyone (except his affair thing of course).

        If only there were an ‘erase the dipshit from my memory’ app out there…

        • I would get a second mortgage on my house to pay for the Erase the Dipshit From My Memory app, MKISA. I WISH it were real! Kind of like that movie, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.”

  111. A few days before our wedding, my cheater snuck over to the home of his morbidly obese ex, to have unprotected sex with her while my 14 year old stepson-to-be was in the next room. She had three unplanned pregnancies under her belt by that point and it was understood that she was not using birth control. Later, I found out that, despite the fact that HE is the one who raised the issue of having a child, he gave her the impression that he only married me because I was pregnant.

  112. Oh, and two years in a row he snuck off to the basement on Christmas morning to send pics of his ribbon-wrapped dick to two OW then spent Christmas Day glued to his phone scanning for responses. Ick.

  113. WH spent years (and half our life-savings) paying for private chats on a video sex chat website. He became so absorbed in his secret life that he told his “favorite” that he thought of her as his girlfriend in his real life and had a hard time separating fantasy from reality.

    WH (a middle aged, overweight, balding emptynester) spent his time spinning various scenarios with each girl (in which he was of course much younger, fit and had young children). He proudly told me after Dday that he was a master manipulator devising these elaborate tales to keep them hooked (can you say $$$$). He had so many story lines going I don’t know how he kept them all straight. These are just a few:

    Scenario One: In this one he was a chump! He actually created a story where I had an affair and got pregnant by the OM. Disgusting! I told him I was furious that he had to tear me down in order to build himself up.

    Scenario Two: WH spent months online pretending to be ME! Apparently “I” had discovered his secret online life, confronted him and kicked him out. “He” was so distraught that he committed suicide. After his death, I discovered his online account and confronted the girl as “me” (confused?). So for months, the online girl and I commiserated, bashed men in general and eventually became the best of friends! All at $4.99 a minute.

    Scenario Three: This one is particularly heinous. In order to gain more sympathy and attention he killed off his own child! He actually created a scenario in which our youngest child contracted a fatal illness and died. He spent months lashing out and grieving, getting sympathy not only from the girls he was paying, but also the other men who were logged onto the site. What kind of sick monster could even PRETEND to lose their child!

    • WHOA!!! That is so many shades of sick, I don’t even know where to begin. What a seriously disordered, disgusting freak. All three are bizarre, but #3 is beyond words.

      • These are some seriously sick fantasy role plays. I have no words. I hope you are totally NC with this fucker and your child is not required to be alone with him.

    • Hey, that reminds me of what my grandfather did to my grandmother! First he ran off with my grandmother’s best friend. Then he talked his journalist friend into writing a story for the local paper claiming he and the OW had been killed in a car wreck. He did this to keep my grandmother (who was left with 5 kids, my mom just a baby) from looking for him.

  114. My ex-husband had five affairs that I know about while we were married. They were all pitiful as is he, but one stands out. In March 2009 his uncle (husband of his mother’s sister) died. My ex went to the funeral alone in Louisiana. At the funeral he meets the uncle’s niece and fucks her that night and carries on a 7 month fling. In our divorce discovery papers she is decribed as the “niece of respondent’s uncle and former paramour of respondent.” My attorney got a good laugh at that one.

  115. SBXH (at the time now HX) gave my son his old phone since he needed a smart phone to keep up with his AP. He forgot to delete the selfies of her breasts.

  116. After two years of total insane nonsense, we have our first hearing next week for the divorce. He finally filed this June by putting the papers in my mailbox and offering me nothing and expecting me to reprsent myself! Have only posted on here once but read here regularly. It has been a tremendous help and I thank all of you for sharing your stories. I don’t know how CL will choose from all these submissions. Never knew there were so many disordered freaks out there! And I was with one of them for 31 years. Yikes! Top freaky moment since Sept. 2011!

    1. The HO sent three texts messages to my then 16 yr old daughter because D16 did not contact her father on fathers day! OW chastised/emotionally abused D16 stating: “after all he’s done for you”, “and you call yourself a Christian” (said whore who moved a married man into her home with three small children while she was separated from her then husband) “what if something happens to him while he is out of town” ? They were on a trip together over fathers day weekend in another state while his ill father was hospitalized and hanging on to life. D16 knew where he was even though he lied and said he was on a trip with “friends”. Impossible cuz he doesn’t have any of those.

    It gets better. D16 had surgery on Monday, her and Dad had a HUGE blowout in our house on Thursday where D16 stated, “I f***ing hate you and I hope you have a nice trip out of town with OW while your father may not live to see another fathers day”. He went on his trip that weekend and was still out of state when fathers day came around the following weekend which is when OW decided it would be a good idea to text D16 and let her know what a horrrible daughter she is for not buying into her Dad’s lies and cheating. OW has never met or spoken to my daughter and probably never will at this point. D16 was mortified as she was at a meeting at school for a club she was in and broke down sobbing in front of her friends.

    This was about nine days after her major knee surgery. She texted me at work and I bolted home. Told her NOT to respond to the looney tune and she didn’t. Showed more restraint and impulse control then Dad and Howoman. As I grappled with what to do about this, I kept hearing D16’s counselors advice to me when this all began, “main your dignity and integrity”, “do not stoop to their level”. My sons were home that day, S18, S20 and I very calmly came inside, told them and showed them the texts as their sister lay sobbing on the couch with her knee on ice in a thigh high brace and proceeded to call the police. Officer came inside, said to the kids, “sorry your Dad is such an ass”! Loved that. He called her after he left and her response to why she sent mean and nasty texts to her married boyfriends D16, was “I was trying to open the lines of communication”! The police informed her that if she EVER contacted any of us again in any way, shape or form, she would be arrested!!!! Have copies of the texts and police report and so does my lawyer!

    My oldest son wanted to go ballistic and show up at their door but I explained to him why that was not a good idea. The King and Queen of Drama would have loved that. I forbid the kids to contact their Dad about this incident as I wanted to see how long it would take him to contact me about it. After about one week, he finally sent me a very lengthy email with all sorts of drivel as to why the Howoman contacted our daughter. The comment that I recall the most was this: “She has just trying to help the situation, she’s just a good friend”! Yeah, she helped allright, helped you to break up our marriage and abandon your family, piss away thousands of dollars on her, destroy your children’s trust and respect for you. Sounds like a loving, helpful, caring soul doesn’t she? I pity her three children. Poor dears, they have to know their Mom is a tramp by now. Not to mention a liar and cheather.

    So dum dum totally defended the Ho and had no sympathy for his D16 at all! Was whining how HURT HE WAS that she didnt contact him on Fathers Day! Gee, wasn’t worried about how HE HURT his wife and three children with his Adultery and Abandoment. Nope not one iota of empathy for us. In fact, when I called him on the phone and went ballistic on him, he said he thought we all had “stronger backbones”!!! Really? Really?

    D16 proceeded to totally ignore him from June until December of last year at which time she finally contacted him so it would’nt be uncomfortable for her grandparents at Christmas. She was in counseling for about one year due to his emotional abuse and abandonment. She is now far away from him at college and doing very well. Speaks to him occasionally but keeps her distance as he is too difficult for her to be with. Sorry to be so lenghty, but I hope a little bit of my story helps others to cope as all of yours have helped me.

    It is a long road and so so difficult. Oh, one more (so many to choose from). I was diagnosed with breast cancer this March. Had surgery, chemo and almost done with radiation. One more surgery next year. I have the best sisters, friends and neighbors and kids who have helped me through. I am fine. However, in July after he switched jobs (which he kept for two mos and was fired from I just found out) and when he had to pay for cobra insurance until the new companies insurance was activated he had the unbelievable GALL to ask me if I could POSTPONE my chemotherapy, oh yes he did, until he got caught up with his other bills cuz the cobra is $1600 per month!!!! Surreal and unreal. Told him that if he didn’t pay the cobra then he would be receiving bills from my treatments for thousands and thousands of dollars! He paid it quick. Hello cancer cells, you think you can slow down a little cuz Crusty the Clown has to pay for the HO’s water bill and such so yeah, he needs a break, ok thanks cancer cells, love ya!

    My sister’s and girlfriends and their husbands all wanted to form a lynch mob and tar and feather him at that point. Unreal what they will say and do to continue the lies and deceit and fantasy life…don’t know this person at all. Still so unreal to me but know I can never go back to him, ever. The damage is too great. I now know that HE made me sick. Literally. That was my final wake up call to focus on me and my kids and go totally NC, it is so true. He is a true Narc and looking back the signs were there, I just ignored them, thinking he was just “quirky”! All though we are going to court next week, one week before Christmas, I know that me and my kids will have a glorious Christmas without his moody, sulky ass lurking around us. Thanks for reading all and hang in there to all the newly abandoned and cheated on. It will get better. I promise.

    • Yikes! Didn’t realize I wrote that much…hard to stop once I get on a roll about Crusty the Clown.

      • Just sending you hugs, Magical, because you have been through hell! We can handle a lot, but when they are hurting our kids, that is the hardest of all.

        • Magical, your name for him is great. Hang in there and please, please get a lawyer before that court date! Even if it’s only to postpone, he offered you NOTHING!!!! wow.

          • Oh yes, I have a great lawyer! Know as a shark who gets women everything they deserve. Subpoenas have been served to banks and former employers of Crusty. Poor Crusty. The truth is coming out and he owes me tons of $$$$$. Had to borrow a few thousand to hire him and get the ball rolling. Lo and behold my dear in laws even loaned me some money! Told them what I needed it for and they gladly loaned it to me. They are totally disgusted with their son. He was the crowned prince to them. He had it all. Threw away his life for a “dirty bitch” as my MIL calls her. Actually brought her into their home last year. My MIL went off on them, telling her she will only have ONE DIL, Magical Momma and she will NEVER accept her. I have been in the family for 31 years. He knew they would react this way. They love me like a daughter and tell me so all the time. In fact, I see them more than he does. Horrible how he treats them too.

              • Wow, Magical Momma. You are one strong woman! Your children have an exceptional role model in you. Wishing you the very best future.

    • In my case it wasn’t the OW who contacted my kids to tell them ho horrible they wre for making their dad so sad, it was x MIL! Needless to say she doesn’t pay too big a part in our lves either!

  117. I’d forgotten about this one.

    Dday was Dec 15, four years ago. That New Year’s Eve, son and I went to friends. I sat in a stupor, while son hung out with his buddies. God only knows where ex was, but I assume with his OW or some other degenerates like himself.

    Next morning, son got a barrage of angry emails from his dad. Ex was enraged that son did not call him at midnight to wish him a happy new year. This was only two weeks after ex walking out. Our son was 13 at the time and did not own a cell phone.

    • Totally deranged, these people! Oh and when d16 messed up her knee we were skiing. She called Dad FIVE times that night to tell him what happened. No answer, no return calls for TWO days. He had the nerve to chastise her for not calling him and telling him and told her he never received calls from her. Truly, WTF? Btw, we were about 4 hours away from him, in the winter. Gee, maybe her calls were that we were in a car accident or something. No pick up, no answer, went right to voice mail. Too busy on a Saturday to pick up calls from D16!!! Sucktard to the 1000th degree!

    • GIO,

      Okay, that does it! If Michael can have Fredo taken out in a rowboat and shot, I see no reason why we can’t get someone to do that to your Ex. There has to be some kind of Asshole of All Assholes prize for that Flaming Turd From Satan’s Ass that was formerly your husband. You deserve the Nobel Peace Prize for not pouring gasoline on him and setting him on fire.

      • Ahhhhh, love the Godfather reference! Please please my ex is his soul-mate, can we let them go together so to speak? And maybe a few others…., (It’ll have to a large rowboat)

  118. I will try to keep this to one story that represents all you really need to know about my super sparkly disordered cheating ex:

    In an onstage interview at a comedy club after one of his shows, while wearing an Evel Knievel rubber cape complete with wristlets, Mr. Sparkles tells the audience that he “comes from a Broadway family.” Nobody in his family has ever had the remotest chance at performing on Broadway. He also tells the audience that he can tap dance.

    He cannot.

    • RallySquirrel, does your ex know Glad’s ex????? Sounds like they’d have a lot in common. Maybe your ex is just what BigFoot needs to go over the top!

  119. Kelly — when I saw Glad’s cheating ex leaping about onstage in a leotard, I (sadly) could so relate. These dudes both are under the pathetic delusion that they are just about to go viral. Gosh, to think that now I’m going to miss out on his fame-and-fortune years! LOL

    • My ex has new stuff he expects to go huge. Meanwhile, he is reduced to picking weeds for a few dollars from a friend who took pity on him, and some under-the-table, graveyard shift, minimum-wage part-time job putting merchandise on supermarket shelves. He lives in some guy’s backyard shed. Despite all that, he considers himself very inspirational, blessed and sparkly. I would almost feel sorry for him, because I think he is mentally ill, but he’s also quite evil.

  120. My very STBXW stated during the last few days of the marriage that I had never supported her in anything she has done. My reply was to remind her that I was the one that had written all her college course documentation to enable her to gain exam passes that she would never have been able to achieve without me. In fact it turns out that whilst working away in the Middle East I was writing her essays etc on some of the very evenings that she was out with the OM.

    My favourite one though was when she said “You never take me anywhere” to which I looked at her in disbelief and said “We got back from Florida yesterday, which was our 6th foreign holiday in the last 13 months, how is that not taking you anywhere?”

    When I think back that is the moment of clarity I had during the whole shitstorm when I thought to myself “She is fucking crazy”. Its laughable now when I think back.

    The craziness continues unabated. Only yesterday she asked me to transfer £9000 to her bank account even though we have yet to agree on a financial settlement that she has been stalling on for months.

    Crazy as a shithouse rat she is……..

    • Max, my ex was the same after D-Day till the divorce. He would complain he needed money, asked me to pay his bills (ask one of your girlfriends buddy), then turned around and told me I was the only person he could trust, asked me for advice on his finances, etc. These wing nuts are mentally just not all there. Finally I told him I’d give him money if he signed the property settlement agreement (which he did). Buh-bye!

  121. Hi guys,

    Hey give me a couple days to declare the Winner(s). This is some epic freakiness! I’m going to go with the suggestion of cartooning more than one. 🙂

    This post has hit a new record on comments! I guess we were all longing to compare freak notes.

  123. My ex wasn’t too freaky, just selfish, entitled and stupid. But I have to thank you all for these freak notes! I laughed SO hard, and there’s enough stuff w/echoes of my ex here to remind me that, despite being a boring guy, he BELONGS with all these freaks! The freaks are his tribe!

  124. I have debated for days whether to post due to the disturbing nature of what happened and no desire to see this one in cartoon. But I figured we’re all adults and several years later I am still perplexed by what really went down, so here goes…

    Close to separation, when I was in the midst of discovering the concept of gaslighting and starting to peg him as a sociopath I decided to check our outdoor trash when I returned home from an out of town work conference. Inside I found a used tampon. I thought I had hit pay-dirt as I had struggled for years to obtain unequivocal proof of his adultery. However, after denying, then claiming the kids were playing with a tampon (c’mon now, wingnut it was used!), he finally “admitted” it was used but not by a woman. His explanation was that he had used it for umm, self-stimulation.

    To this day I don’t know which is true and which is more disturbing–screwing one of his menstruating OWs in our bed or the purported selfie!

    • Ewwwww, Chapter, that’s awful (either way). He fits right in with our disgusting exes. My ex pulled so many disgusting things that now almost 2 years later, the realizations continue to periodically pop into my mind.

  125. Here’s one that just happened last night. This was the most contact I’ve had with my ex for more than a year.

    Our son is leaving today on a week-long trip with his dad and ex’s family. Ex’s family payed for tickets and such, they are going on a cruise.

    Ex picked up our son last night, took him back to his place, as it is closer to airport. I gave son my one and only suitcase to use on the trip, as son does not have anything big enough.

    Got a text from my son late last night. When they got to the room ex is living in (no toilet, no sink, no kitchen) ex took all of son’s clothes out of my suitcase, crammed them into his own, and then GAVE MY SUITCASE TO SOME FRIEND OF HIS.

    I went off on ex in a text message, asking how dare he give away my suitcase and what the fuck was wrong with him. Well, got a barrage of replies saying he couldn’t understand why I was so upset, that he would loan me one of HIS suitcases if need be. The craziness went on and on. I finally texted and asked if he had actually hocked my suitcase for a few bucks. He did not answer that question, but immediately replied with an apology, claiming he had loaned the suitcase to some friend who was returning from her trip in January. He wrote that he would get me back the suitcase when his “friend” returned from her trip.

    I have no idea what actually happened to my suitcase. I told ex I would simply keep his carry-on that he is letting son use, and ex replied that I was “threatening him” and I could not have his carry-on since it was part of a nice set.

    The whole thing went on for well over half hour. Unbelievable that he simply gave away my suitcase and then blamed me for being upset about it. This was by far the longest communication of any type we’ve had in probably two years, and it actually left me quite upset.

    • Oh GIO! What a complete fuckwit he is. I swear, your ex gets me almost as infuriated as mine does – and I’m sure that’s only because I have to deal with mine and don’t have to deal with yours! I’m so sorry you still have to have dealings with this thieving piece of crap. Thinking (and fuming) of/for you xxx

    • What an asshole. He just starts dumping your son’s clothes out of your suitcase to give to some friend who happens to ALSO be leaving on a trip??? Bizarre. Tell him you expect $$$ when he drops your son back off, whatever the suitcase is worth. Oh and I would insist on keeping the carry on unless he comes up with the cash Glad, I’m serious. Is he on drugs????

      • Kelly, he was always very anti-drugs, even used to rail against caffeine. But when I saw his latest insane video, and then this suitcase incident, the first thing I wondered was about drugs. Probably, though, he’s just getting crazier, no drugs involved.

        I fully intend to keep whatever carry-on he is sending home with our son. The whole thing is so bizarre, so full of entitlement and ass-holery.

        • How awful for your son to have his things stolen by his father when he thinks he’s going to have fun.

    • Glad, I think you should just keep his suitcase in exchange for having to deal with him over this incident, even if he gives yours back.

  126. Challenge accepted, but the competition is tough:)

    1. I love to dance, and my husband never once, not even at our wedding, danced with me, but HE was the one who pursued dancing with his most recent OW, as shown by the emails I saw.

    2. For our 25th anniversary, ( just before d-day), husband gave me a digital frame that shows picture after picture, and although I didn’t know about their relationship at the time, she was in several of the pictures, and I had pointed out that he looked so happy and at peace with the world on that particular trip

    3. Husband never gave me compliments , but I heard through a neighbor woman once that he had told her that I was really a great Mom, had a knack for it and I later found out that he was having an affair with her at the time.

  127. Hello all first post for me.
    Thank you all for sharing your personal stories.
    To my shame and embarrassment I truly thought I had caused my ex to seek out ow for affair. Finding CL has been my anchor. Now two years on from discovery I still have ex sneaking into my home and god knows what he is doing. . Just last week I have found my wedding band missing! It was with the rest of my rings now gone. And I will die before I ask him if he has it. And yes I have asked numerous times for him to not enter my home.
    I don’t get it, 20 years m, 4 gorgeous girls great friends all thrown over for whore(sorry) with no morals and 6 kids and none of them live with her.
    So my question to one and all is how do we spot a cheater?
    (I apologise to CL and others if this question has already been canvassed.)

    Cheers Bellzero

    • Bellzero, your very important question is discussed in other posts, and will continue to be; it’s a burning one for most chumps!

      But I just wanted to ask, how on earth does he get into your place? Why haven’t you changed the locks? Gotten an alarm system or a restraining order? WHY would this horrible person have access to your home? It’s not about ASKING him not to come in, he’s a narcissist – they do what they want! Considering he was perfectly willing to cheat on you, WHY would you expect ‘asking’ him to behave in a more respectful way would work?

  128. Hi KarenE,
    I have been the most chumpiest chumpiest chump.. I have danced the longest pick me dance known to man/women. I have “believed” the cheaters mantra ‘I love you, it was a mistake’ song too long. And yes I read all the books on .. You can reconcile after infidelity. Why? Because I visioned my life differently like many chumps.
    So to answer home/locks I have allowed him back into my life three times. Each time I believed it when he said.. “I love you, ” cos to think otherwise means lots of lies, deceit and sadness. But the truly awful realisation is that the person I trusted above all doesn’t really care diddly squat about me or my children.
    But that has taken me months to realise.
    Infact only since finding chumplady and the many wonderful people who share their lives, that I see how I assisted a cheater (exh)
    I have changed the locks, I requested all keys back to find out months later he had taken one of my daughters who thought she lost it. He knows not to enter my house but when dropping girls home youngest would invite him in. Instead of him saying “no” this is your mothers house he will come in. Some days I feel he has entered the house but then I feel stupid cos maybe I’m wrong.. We have no binding financial agreement it’s pending so he still pays half the mortgage. So I believe he feels its still his place too.
    I thought I was a strong independent woman with four beautiful daughters a lovely interesting career married to a supportive loving husband who was happy.. Now I know I am an independent chump with 4 bd a great job(thank god) and a cheater of an ex.
    And to answer the last question about him being respectful.
    This is the crux .. I am respectful, I am honest and I act with integrity.. This is who I am. It it is hard for me to think like my exh… A cheater.

    Bellzero

  129. My cheater flew his 19 year old OW (he’s 52) first class to Thailand to buy her labiaplasty surgery. Apparently she was his “personal trainer” and he had agreed to barter with her for her “personal training services” and how dare I get angry about it, because he always makes good on his debts. (Gee… I’m glad he’s such an upstanding citizen).

  130. Probably it’s too late for this, but here’s one for the record.

    Since I’m not “meh” and since I like to get an idea of where STBX is spending his money, I fish through his coat pockets. Apparently OW decided to give him a 53rd birthday present: one of those personalized pens with the individual’s name and the personality traits associated with that name.

    Here’s what the pen to STBX said: “`Dick’: A loyal person with very high standards.”

    I had to choke back the laughter on that one. 😀

  131. My ex started the affair with his waitress (25 years younger than him, that works at his business), when I was in the hospital recovering from having my kidney removed after being diagnosed with kidney cancer. He informed me that they both hoped I wouldn’t survive, so he wouldn’t lose any money on a divorce. He told me I was worthless, a waste of space, and that being with me was THE worst thing that ever happened to him.

      • We’re divorced now. He planned everything out, had it all lined up while I was going through another surgery, and then treatment. I will admit, I had blinders on, was just trying to come out the other side of my battle with cancer. I was told it was my fault for focusing on getting better instead of on him. He sat me down with a long list of all the things that were wrong with me, of every tiny little day to day thing that I did wrong (for ex. Not doing the dishes right after eating, etc.), told me I was ugly, and that no man would ever want to be with me. Then said he was wonderful, every one loves him and that any woman would get down on her hands and knees and thank god to be married to a man like him(the OW tells him so all the time, and she’s a church going volunteer for the homeless – and I do nothing for anyone).
        Until all this happened, I truly didn’t realize how much I had been verbally abused. It’s taken parents, my kids and friends to force me to see it. I bought the whole package he sold, after all I’ve known him for over 35 years. And I would have sworn I wasn’t abused that I was the cold hearted person he said I was, I feel like such a fool. I truly feel damaged, and until I found your site, I felt lost and alone, they future was hopeless. Thank you for your insight, wisdom and truth into all I’ve been through, and who he is, a barbed wire monkey.

        • Kathy, your ex is EVIL. An alien in human clothing, pretty clearly a sociopath. Glad you’re rid of him, and have people who DO care about you around you.

          • KarenE, thank you so much for your reply. It’s been a struggle trying to erase the image of who I had always believed him to be, I gave my heart and soul to a man capable of doing all this. but harsh reality forced me to wake up. And I’ve finally stopped trying to figure him or his actions out. Stopped believing when he said it was all my fault.
            Everyone’s experiences on here, have common threads, and each one touches my heart, no-one should ever be treated like that by the one who’s supposed to be their safe harbour. This site has been heaven sent for me, it’s given me the chance to see all my emotions and experiences through clearer eyes, and I don’t think that I can put into words how much it has helped me.

            • Kathy, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through but glad you found this site. I also struggled with feeling like I was the defective one, that everything was my fault as he claimed it was. Reading all these stories also helped me to understand that I’m not the messed up one.

  132. How about this one . . .

    My husband asked me to email a client for him while he was busy doing something. A sexmail came in from an old high school gf. When I confronted him he got mad and defensive. For our wedding anniversary three days later he bought me a spy kit.

    • Yeah, my ex was seriously furious with me for reading his journal to find out the truth about what was going on with him. Once I knew, everything made sense. To this day I am not sorry for violating his privacy to understand what was really happening. Everyone deserves to have the correct information to make good decisions for their own life.

  133. 1. My husband of 30 years invited his first cousin to come stay with us during her “terrible divorce.”

    2. Later, I found out he was sleeping with his cousin out in the shed, even with two of our four boys inside in the house.

    3. He moved to Florida with his OW (i.e. COUSIN) where he continued his incestuous relationship until my son called him out for being a fucking prick.

    Our family has found peace and has never been happier. The end. Fuck you, Bobby.

  134. Before first d day, when fuckwit hadn’t been caught yet, we were having my four month old baptized, he came home with a christening outfit borrowed from his friend but actually a whore. He even had the nerve to tell me to wash it after we use it and to make sure it doesn’t get wrecked. He had such a sug look on his face. Glad it’s over