An extra post today, guys. We have new chumps joining our ranks each day, and all are welcome. But I wanted to clear up some misconceptions about this site that were the subject of discussion a couple posts back, by Aloysha. Essentially taking me to task for not being realistic about the horrors of divorce, and not being more pro-reconciliaton when possible, among other topics.
Chump Lady is not a pro-reconciliation site. You only need to google to be directed to hundreds of pro-reconciliations sites. This is not one of them.
I have argued my skepticism about reconciliation in many places on this blog. Here are two posts that sum up my views. Reconciliation and Entitlement — and — Real Remorse? Or Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse.
I am not disdainful of people who reconcile. Yes, I think the decision to reconcile is often based in fear, but it also comes from the noblest parts of our character. The parts of us that try to forgive, that sacrifice, that try harder. Unfortunately, in my experience and the experience of many others, those qualities are often shared with people who abuse them. Who do not sufficiently appreciate or bring their best efforts to match ours. Who often continue to cheat on us and disrespect us.
I do hold cheaters in disdain who feel entitled to reconciliation. It is a gift. It’s not an entitlement. I am disdainful of cheaters who gaslight and blameshift. Who want chumps to “own their part” of infidelity. And I despise cake eaters. Cheaters who want you to be patient with them while they “choose.” I despise the secret cake eaters — cheaters who put chumps through false reconciliation.
I do question chumps who stay in reconciliation with cheaters who aren’t doing the work. This isn’t disdain. It’s What the Fuck are you DOING?
Oh, hang on I have disdain!– I am disdainful of people in reconciliation who are disgusted with people who divorce, dismissing them as quitters or some how not quite noble enough to Keep Their Family Together. A big middle finger to those people.
I think that sums up my disdain.
As for the horrors of divorce? I believe I’ve covered those. Other people’s judgement of you? Check. Fallout with the children? Check. The financial scariness? Check.
Am I sugarcoating divorce? Oh, it’s awesome. I could have a year-long vacation in Europe, or I could be sued for custody. I picked paying my legal bills every time. Paris is still waiting for me.
Nobody wants divorce. No sane, loving person goes into marriage assuming it will end in divorce. No one wants to see their children hurt.
Chump Lady is not a “cheerleader” for divorce. I’m a cheerleader for a new life.
Someone cheats on you. They won’t stop. They’re endangering your health and welfare. They’re spending your retirement account on prostitutes? They’re not one bit sorry? What’s the alternative? Sucking it up for the children?
I don’t think so. Hell YES it’s painful. But the pain is FINITE. IMO, hopium and spackle are the tools we use to avoid pain — the necessary PAIN that comes when we enforce our boundaries and stop being chumps. When we say NO MORE. When we call the divorce lawyer.
I’m not lying to you. It hurts. Giving up the dream of what you thought you had. But what else do you propose? Getting hung up on the injustice of it? Staying stuck at IT’S NOT FAIR!
Okay, it’s not fair. You didn’t deserve it and it’s not your fault. NOW WHAT?
How about embracing a new life? How about taking control over what you have control over — YOU.
Oh, but the “horrors of divorce!” We’re supposed to be scarred for life.
Well, I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you the horrors of my divorces. My solid kid. The new career opportunities. Falling in love again with a good man. Remarriage. Happiness. A kind of low key contentment. The absence of chaos and mindfuckery.
Okay, I lost money. Fair enough. I recouped it. I sold a house (at a loss). I retooled the job skills. I combined a life. I inherited some money. I’m okay. Just fine.
Of course I knew nothing of this when I had to make the scary decision to leave a cheater. No one gave me a crystal ball and said “It will all work out, Tracy.” No, I had to take it on faith like everyone else does.
The point of this site? Have FAITH in yourself. Stop putting your faith in unholy unions with cheaters.
I think that sums it up.