Hi Chump Lady,
I live in Australia. Long story short… I have spent the darkest hours of my life these past few weeks. I dumped my husband’s car and belongings in front of his latest affair partner’s house on Christmas Eve and I have been in shock ever since. Seeing a psychiatrist twice weekly, taking antidepressants, and she has been supporting me with an exit plan.
I am so unwell and landed myself in hospital emergency three times this past month due to dehydration (uncontrollable dry wrenching). Panic attacks, panting like a dog, etc. etc. WTF!!! I initially found out about my husband’s affair two years ago and painfully thought to give him another chance and marry him! His third marriage, my second. We were together five years before D-Day.
Well three days after coming back from my honeymoon, I discovered via hidden sent emails THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG! I booked myself into psych clinic for week and attempted to have the marriage annulled, but by time I was home again I realised I had become a CAREER CHUMP!!! I did couples counseling with him, and him vowing that I now knew everything and there were no hidden agendas.
Needless to say over the two years of trying reconciliation and numerous timeouts where he moved back with his mummy, I kept finding never ending horror stories! It was these last two months that I traced an address in his Sat Nav and finally got him to confess it was the address of his latest girlfriend!
WTF? We have both spent endless hours in counseling and that sociopath pretended to be devastated and he was cheating?
During one of our timeouts we were emailing each other intimate thoughts about who did what, to whom and why… And I discussed the emotional abuse I endured as a child in my family. Very private and intimate thoughts meant to be shared ONLY with him…
Well I asked to look at his emails one day (for “transparency,” what a joke!) and I look in Sent mail to discover he had forwarded my personal intimate info to numerous girlfriends “for their advice.” And ridiculing me as a ranting, raving shrew!
I have been shell shocked ever since. In counseling, I demanded an official written apology be resent.
The following week he produced a hand-written paragraph of contrite apology. Within the counseling session I told him this was not good enough. The following week I wrote out his paragraph, but put it in the context of his serial cheating, which made it clear I was not a raving lunatic.
This letter included ALL the information he had confessed to during our counselling sessions such as being on dating sites, and various gay, transgender sites, webcam sites for sex. You name it!
The psychologist read this letter and so did he. The psych asked him “It’s all there and the facts as we know them, right?” My husband replies “yeah, just let me take this away and rework it and I will send it to relevant parties.”
Weeks went by and he did not honour his pledge. ( SURPRISE SHOCK HORROR!) I since threw him out.
Today I received an aggressive letter from his lawyer threatening me with defamation of his client as somehow this letter was emailed from my husband’s iPad from his email address to various people. He is accusing me of having circulated the letter he had said he would post anyway. He is accusing me of defaming him as he claims he has received horrified responses from recipients as to his poor character and lack of moral fibre.
They are making assumptions that I have his iPad and I sent this email and they have given me till this Tuesday to hand over the iPad.
Can you make any sense of this? I feel bullied and insecure. He is a confident person with many connections ( his lawyer is good school friend) and is very intimidating. I am terrified.
I have been left high and dry as my pre-nup stipulates no spousal maintenance. He earns big bucks and I much much less and have three teenagers from my first marriage.
Any advice please?
Well Sweetheart, it’s not defamation of character if that IS his real character. My first thought it is that I hope you saved all the evidence you have of his serial cheating, including screen shots of his dating profiles and web cam adventures. Forwarded any of those incriminating emails to a safe box somewhere? Remember the address of the mistress where you dumped his things?
Dude’s a serial cheater. That should be fairly easy to prove, I would think. And with nothing else, you’ve got the shrink to back you up. (Assuming shrinks can be subpoenaed in Australia.) Perhaps our legions of chump lawyers here can weigh in.
He’s trying to bully you, Mia. Don’t let him.
This is what I want you to do — stop hyperventilating and collapsing in a heap from the shock. The guy is CONSISTENT. He cheated on you before you were married. You KNEW this. He cheated on you during your honeymoon. You KNEW this. And surprise, shock, horror, he cheated on you throughout your brief marriage.
Your horror isn’t at who he IS, your horror is BELIEVING him finally. But apparently, you’re not alone here, as he too is surprised, shocked and horrified that this is who he is. How DARE you defame his character?
So your first step is accepting that he is a manipulating, disordered piece of shit. He says things he doesn’t mean. He “apologizes” for things he’s not sorry about. He cheats.
Anything out of this guy’s mouth will be one of three things — charm, self pity, or rage. Because those are the three channels disordered people are set at. Whatever manipulates you back into your place is where they set the dial.
So his dial is set at RAGE now. Threats through the lawyer. Fine, WTFever.
You’re a chump, so your settings before were spackle, hopium, crushing grief. You need a new knob, Mia. You can’t respond to his shit in the usual old ways — dissolving into heap, hoping for the best, or believing that writing “I’m a sorry bastard” a hundred times will make him see the error of his ways.
No, the new Mia setting is KICK ASS. He threatens you? You get a lawyer. Bring it on, asshole. Ask yourself, does he really want your lawyer deposing his affair partners? If you have his iPad, you have his browsing history. Yeah, I’m sure he does want that back. Talk to a lawyer before you hand it over. He wants a fight? Give him one. He’s expecting you to do what you’ve done before — fold. Don’t. File for divorce and be DONE with him. Who CARES about your pre-nup and what he earns? Who were you two years before you married this creep? You don’t need him.
Really, what are you missing? What possible reason do you have to NOT torpedo his ass? This guy made sport of your vulnerabilities, your shared intimacies. He’s never been faithful a moment in his life. What is there? His connections and his income? Do you want your teenagers to think THIS is a relationship? Model how you would want them to be if someone was fucking with them. Strong. Self reliant. Unbowed.
Stand up to him and his threat. If he would like to go on public record about his tranny web cam habit, you’re happy to oblige.
Fuck him, Mia. Stop being his chump and start being his adversary. Divorce this idiot.
Wow! The playbook is truly universal. Love your response, CL!
The last place this guy wants to be is on the witness stand,
yes good response Mia he is f..ing with your head and trying to scare you (because he knows he can) Call his bluff what more can he do to you? You have done nothing wrong.
He’s trying to scare you and manipulate you. Get a lawyer if you don’t already have one. It seems to me that cheaters can’t just terrorize you with their betrayal they also have to keep terrorizing you with threats and legal action and other plain dumbass moves.
Remember the burden of proof is on HIM. HE has to prove these and any charges he claims against you in court. Think your loser is really going to go to the cost, humiliation, etc. to “prove” this? I doubt it. Seriously, what’s a judge going to say on this? Um, yeah. Your cheater wants damage control. He wants to make sure you stay put and don’t do anything to cause him further damage. It’s ALLLLLL about him. As per usual.
Talk to a lawyer. If the iPad is marital property, then you aren’t under any obligation to hand that over without some discussion first. Again, lawyer up and get advice. If you decide to do hand it over, make sure you copy photos and anything else that your cheater has stupidly left for you to see.
My STBX neglected to ensure his photos were not still showing on a shared computer in my home. When I told him about these photos, he threatened me with “Invasion of Privacy.” Stupid ass. My computer (legally separated at the time), my house, YOUR mistake. These cheaters are bullies and if they get any legal advice through friends, internet or are an attorney, they throw this kind of crap at you with glee. Bascially, they are cowards trying to make you look like a fool and keep the damage to themselves at a minimum.
Get a lawyer. Try to stay calm and go no contact until you get some advice.
Wishing you all the best.
Mia, I am so sorry that you are going through this horrible time. During the worst of it for me, I remember feeling like my XH was all powerful. He was out to get me and I really thought he held all the cards. I had a full-blown panic attack once in front of my mother when I saw that my (x)MIL was calling (shrieking like a baboon, falling on the floor, unable to catch my breath). My fear was through the roof, and my ability to discern a real threat from a bluff was non-existent.
I agree with CL 100% when she says that you need to find a way to take hold of yourself and see your way out of this place of fear and panic. It starts with taking care of yourself physically. You need nourishment, you need to stay hydrated, you need to get adequate sleep. Your H is obviously capable of great manipulation and deception, but you have truth on your side. He has nothing on you. You actually have the power here. Find your fierce and unleash it on him.
Good points, River. The vast majority of us have some or another deficiency of vitamins and/or minerals that have our nervous system strung out thin as the last dab of butter scratched out over a piece of dry toast. Look into B vitamins and magnesium especially — if you’re low, your sympathetic nervous system (adrenaline) is in charge and you can never relax. You are subject to responding to attacks like Mia describes. Panic attack and total withering collapse.
With Obamacare promising to make even routine medical issues prohibitively expensive, I recommend everyone get a copy of “Let’s Play Doctor” by Joel Wallach, DVM, ND. Get started learning a little bit about the body you ride around in. Your “real doctor” doesn’t have time anymore to explain it to you.
Mia: the best reason to get a lawyer, like RIGHT NOW, is to put him between you and this nonsense. All communication has to be between lawyers, and yours will laugh in the other lawyers face if these threats continue. In trying to make himself look better, my ex went on the warpath (he called it “playing hardball”) with disparaging attacks on my character and that of my family. His lawyer racked up a lot of fees dutifully transmitting them to my side. My lawyer was the best buffer to that nonsense money can buy. Because it quit working on me, my ex started getting personal with my lawyer! Didn’t bother him a bit. Been there, done that.
Mia’s ex is nuts. He really needs a tranquilizer gun dart and relocation to the wilds where he can’t make it back for years.
oops, sorry – Mia’s STBX is what I meant. Just thinking positively this morning.
I agree with Chumpalicious.
The stress of these traumas take a huge devastating toll on our bodies.
Read up on Adrenal Fatigue and how to address it through diet and lifestyle.
yes, nothing worse than calling on your adrenals for some cortisol to deal with stress and getting a big bolus of adrenaline instead. Been there. It gets out of control because then you freak out over freaking out when once you used to have it all together!
It takes awhile to reverse any nutritional deficiency and undo damage to your brittle nervous system, so I’m all for valium or xanax or whatever helps. You can also try natural products such as valerian (where valium gets it name), kava, GABA, and L-theanine if you don’t have access to the prescription meds. My medical records ended up being part of the divorce discovery, so I was glad I kept with the natural route.
Of course, there is absolutely nothing as great as getting the divorce over with and being off the battlefield entirely.
Wow Chumpalicious-your med records were part of divorce discovery? That sounds like it was a living hell. Thank god you are on the other side intact!
No stone left unturned — yes, it was a living hell. The worst part was their forcing open the books of the family LLC which holds the old family homestead of my grandmother’s and of which I am only a very minor partner. That cost immediate family members some legal fees of their own, for MY divorce. Looking for money they were sure I had hidden. When they didn’t find anything, the ex told my mother, “Sorry about that”.
Such a POS. That got him uninvited forever from any kind of amicable association with my family. Way to burn ALL the bridges, asshole.
All great advise! You guys are the best.
It does greatly effect the body which in turn further messes with the mind.
A few months after my breakup, had to get my thyroid removed, it kept growing and growing almost daily. It was Hashimoto’s, my antibodies were attacking my thyroid.
All is fine now but it sure as heck wasn’t back in May!
So do take care of your body which will greatly help your mind as well.
1) InAustrailia they already have universal healthcare
2) The affordable Healthcare Act will actually bring down the cost of healthcare in the US. Not as good as the healthcare in Austrailia but it’s a start.
Just adding two cents here… When you say “he’s got nothing” on her, I’d advise to not underestimate a cheater. just be careful, he can use your depression, psychiatric care, stay at the hospital against you. These are the threats STBX has made in the past in regards to upcoming custody dispute, and per my good friend who’s been down this road: do not underestimate him.
Yeah, don’t underestimate him. He does have a lawyer, so this is why you need to get your own lawyer and have them do your legal battling for you. Unfortunately, since he is the accuser, the burden of proof will actually be on you to probe his accusations are false. It’s really shitty, but unfortunately its true. If you can’t prove that the statements in the letter are true, even if they are, you’ll be on the losing end.
However, you have the address of his last mistress, and other information about his previous affairs as well as information and documents from the marriage counselor, which should definitely help you and if you get a lawyer, I’m sure said lawyer would be able to obtain information from the counseling sessions on your behalf. It’s not defamation of the claims are true. And you likely do have enough information to prove that they are. Lawyer up.
Mia, I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I too, went to counseling (his idea) all the while he was cheating and I didn’t know it yet; I also had my personal information shared with all of his whores (that I was on antidepressants and he thought I was a lunatic for needing them). I know how that can feel. But I also know the importance of taking your power back. Like CL said, get a lawyer. Take back your power. Don’t let him push you around. My Ex’s brother was a cop, so my ex thought he could pull the cop card whenever he wanted (he even called the cops on my mother and showed up with 2 police escorts to pick up “his stuff” from our home). Talk about intimidation. But at the end of the day, I’m the one that is in control now. He tried, but he failed. You can do this too. Get the advice you need, but also find that place inside where all that anger/rage is and use it to your advantage. It’s time to show him who’s boss. Hugs to you.
I suspect there is a bit of karma that just bit your Manwhore in the butt –
If you don’t have his iPad, and this letter was circulated to all and sundry via his iPad, I’d bet my last dollar that one of his sidepieces discovered the letter when she was snooping through his iPad, and vindictively forwarded the letter on into the universe before storming out of his life, clutching the iPad as evidence.
Defamation of character only sticks as a charge when the information disseminated IS NOT TRUE. Your draft letter told the truth, and your psych could confirm it. Don’t let him bully you! Hire a lawyer, who should tell him he should look to another his his APs for the guilty party. The other woman is guilty of nothing more than theft, and you are guilty of nothing.
This is also a good point. If you are not in possession of his ipad, then it couldn’t have been you, and if he’s flipping his shit over this, it wasn’t him, which means it was one of his mistresses. If you can get your lawyer to point that out in court, you’ve got a good argument.
Obligatory I am Not a Lawyer statement. Also, I’m not in Australia.
But lawyer up, and get a good one–the meanest, toughest, take-no-prisoners lawyer you can afford. Talk to the lawyer and go No Contact with your STBX piece of shit.
Defamation of character works only if it’s untrue. This guy’s a serial cheater. You have two ex-wives who’d be willing to say as much. You know at least one of the OW. He wants to bring up defamation of character? Fine. Let’s bring all his known fuck buddies into court and let them talk about how they were banging him while he was married.
However, you are not the one who should do the negotiating. It is clear that you’re too shell-shocked. I agree with CL that you need a new Mia setting called “Kick Ass.” But right now, you don’t have one. That’s why you need the lawyer.
The lawyer will do the ass-kicking for you. The lawyer would be thrilled to subpoena all the ex-wives and the Other Women. Your lawyer will talk with your cheater’s old school chum and explain that if the cheater really wants to have his character dragged through the courts and the affair details go on public record, he’s certainly entitled to have his day in court.
Your job is to go completely No Contact. No offense, but right now you don’t sound up to kicking anyone’s ass. Now, that’s not necessarily a permanent condition, but it is where you are at right now. So go No Contact. If he contacts you, refer him to your lawyer. If his lawyer calls you, refer him to your lawyer. See? Just. Don’t. Engage.
He knows that if he engages you, you’ll cave in. You’ll have a panic attack, you’ll collapse in a heap, you’ll send yourself to the hospital. He actually doesn’t care. He knows the next thing is that you’ll cave.
Next, fire your therapist. Your therapist should have recognized that your husband is a sociopathic narcissist. After missing deadlines, the therapist should have told you that your husband was completely insincere about reconciling. Instead, get a therapist who has some experience dealing with abuse victims. I have no idea what your first husband was like, but you are emotionally reeling, and the only people I’ve seen who are on the rollercoaster that you are on are people who’ve had a history of physical/emotional abuse.
So, here’s your action plan. Hire a tiger of a lawyer, go No Contact, and get yourself a good therapist.
And start taking care of yourself. Do the little things for yourself so that you start to feel more powerful when the big things come along.
You’re stronger than you think, Mia! You deserve a better life!
Also you shouldn’t just be on anti-depressants; get something that works fast for the anxiety attacks and panic – you shouldn’t have to be putting up w/those symptoms in such a stressful situation! Clonazapam every day is great for this, and you can take it quite a while w/o problems, and just wean gently off it when things are better. Or if the anxiety is less pervasive, something like Xanax or Ativan for use as needed.
Right now you need your wits about you, and you need to know you have yourself in hand. The kick-ass lawyer will help you get that asshole out of your life, with much less stress.
Xanax was a life saver for me the first few weeks after D-day. I used it very sparingly, but it definitely got through the worst of the panic attacks and allowed me to sleep some.
I suggest a nice glass or two of wine to calm you down. It did wonders for me in the beginning just until I calmed down. Just don’t make a habit of it.
It really does relax you when things get out of control with the anxiety and let’s you get to sleep without getting drunk.
So sorry you have to go through this but it’s a prime example of who these crazy creeps really are and why reconciliation really isn’t the way to go. Things always seem to get worse and not better with them.
” believing that writing “I’m a sorry bastard” a hundred times will make him see the error of his ways.”– Oh my oh my I absolutely LOVE this!!!!!!!! Thank you Chump-Lady this has put a smile on my face and a sweet little chuckle in my heart today.
Kick Ass mode is the next step – I know first hand that standing up from a collapsed heap on the floor takes seeing the reality of what is and getting pissed about it. Deciding that you are not going to take his BS or participate with his mind f—- games anymore is paramount. Stand firm and do not give him one tiny speck of your power. Do not participate in his bullying attempts by timidly engaging with him about any of it. The truth is not a mystery. He is doing his best to intimidate you– Yes ” bring it on you MF” is a very good approach here. Distance and disconnect yourself from this man in every way you possibly can. He is an arrogant creepy little pervert.
You know, people in my family were really upset with me right after D-day because I just couldn’t get angry. I was devastated and full of grief, also traumatized. It was so horrible that my ex had his ducks in a row when I was still trying to figure out what hit me. Seems like it took several months for the anger to kick in, but then I got good and angry. The anger lasted for several months. It felt like a salty sailor full of cuss words had taken up residence in my brain! The great thing is the anger gave me energy to push for a better life. So WhereisMia, if you’re not to the anger stage yet just try to deal with the grief and find some equilibrium. But be sure to enlist people who can fight for you too (like a good lawyer).
Before you can do anything, you have to calm yourself down and talk yourself through the anxiety, fear etc. and get sleep and try to think clearly.
If you are physically not with him, you have nothing to fear immediately. You can protect yourself and do what you need to do to permanently remove this fucker from your life. He is a cowardly bully and not much more.
I have found that when you are dealing with a crazy person and you out crazy them, they can’t handle it and they don’t know what to do. So get crazy and get your lawyer, speak with your therapist and surround yourself with an army of good people to help give you the strength you need to do all you need to protect yourself and remove this piece of shit from your life. Do whatever you have to in order to keep yourself strong and healthy and don’t fall for anything nice he may say or do. This guy is a sociopathic nutjob and the enemy.
“It felt like a salty sailor full of cuss words had taken up residence in my brain! ”
Love this line Lyn, some days Salty appears in my head for a bit to vent-then he goes back to sleep, or drink his rum, whatever……
Like you my friends and family were very annoyed that I was making excuses for him…….it has taken me literally 2 years to finally work out what a conniving shit he was and I really wish I could have seen him for what he really was then. I still get so angry with him, but it’s part of the grieving process. I would say that the anger I had at 6 mths in has definitely intensified over the last 1.5 years whenever I slip up and I allow it to surface, because the early anger did not fully understand the bigger picture.
I get it know and I am still and will be forever gobsmacked and ‘salty sailor’ angry at the conniving, plotting and cruel mindf@ckery that my XH was guilty of.
I take .5 mg Adivan as needed takes that heart pounding what do I do now feeling away. Good advice KarenE
? You were together 5 years? Why the prenup? Did u have an affair with him?
It’s not that unusual, from what it seems, for there to be a prenup on a second marriage. By that time, there are children from the previous marriages, and if the couple is young enough, possibly a child of their own. The prenup sets out the financial stuff so that everyone is protected.
I think in this case, the guy got a pre-nup because he knew he was cheating and might end up divorced again.
To add to a list of red flags:
They cheat on you, but want a pre-nup that protects their assets if you get a divorce (as opposed to if I cheat on you again, you get the house and more than half the assets).
I am a retired mental health professional, and several things concern me about your situation and the intensity of your reaction to his betrayal and manipulations.
At the top of the list is the panic attacks and significant emotional disorganization. I was experiencing the same kind of panic attacks…usually about 4 a.m. when I would hyperventilate have esophageal spasms and literally pass out cold on the bathroom floor..usually just after waking in a cold sweat from a night terror. (We had been married for 33 years and bomb drop was a total shock.)
You noted that your psychiatrist had prescribed anti-depressants, but has the shrink also prescribed an anti-anxiety medication? I was prescribed an anti-anxiety med to help me through the first few months after bomb drop, and it helped a great deal.
Also, it would appear that abandonment (and accompanying fear of being financially destitute) issues are getting the upper hand, allowing fear to rule your life. You must get this under control in order to make rational decisions that serve your best interests.
Again work with your shrink with a focus upon gaining control of your emotions.
I suspect that you are still having trouble breaking out of the “pick me” dance. That has to stop!! No man…I repeat NO MAN is important enough to make yourself sick and crazy over. Sanity and peace are worth so much more than financial security. Do not lose sight of this.
As for the threatened legal proceedings? Keep in mind that if he confirmed the truth of this letter in the presence of your therapist, you can waive confidentiality and allow the therapist to state in court (IF it ever comes to it!) that he indeed confirmed the contents of the letter. CL’s comments about the legal aspects and possibilities of this are on point…so do what you have to do, and AGAIN don’t allow fear to rule.
I hope you are financially able to hire a good attorney. Or barring that, he can be made to pay for your attorney as part of the divorce settlement. When dealing with the personality disordered (and he sounds personality disordered) it is essential to have a hard-nosed attorney to deal with him so that YOU don’t have to.
Finally, LET HIM GO emotionally. Yes he hurt you badly, and yes he is going to keep doing this IF you allow it. Understand that he is most likely a control freak (compelled to win at all costs) and will not abide by any kind of civilized ‘rules of engagement’…therefore you must STOP with the hystrionics, go no-contact, maintain no-contact and not provide him with any incidental ammunition with which to smear your reputation and make you look “crazy.” This is so difficult when we are in mental chaos, but it is absolutely necessary. He cannot assume any more power unless you give it to him.
You can do this. Most of us have been where you are and we know that it can be done. It is a matter of making it a priority and not deviating from your chosen course of action.
PS. I was prescribed clonazepam (Klonopin) for a few weeks while building up a blood titer of Buspirone (a non benzo). For people who are afraid of becoming dependent upon benzo’s, Buspar is an alternative. Buspirone is not sedating and does not lead to withdrawal symptoms as can benzodiazepines.
Good luck to you, and please keep in mind that this turmoil you are experiencing is TIME LIMITED, and you will survive it.
Ohhh yeah I got something similar, the whole “defamation of character” bit. If I exposed the affair he’s sue me for defamation of character to him and the OW! He also said that the OW’s husband will get into trouble because he “violated OW’s privacy” but looking in her emails.
My response? “lol”
He doesn’t have a leg to stand on. CL is right, it’s not a defamation of character if that’s who he is!
So what exactly IS invasion of privacy ?
Telling the truth , to others ?
Lovin’it!!!! LOL nice one notyou! 🙂 thanks for the laugh out loud 🙂
thanks for that one
Unbelievable support responses CL and everyone else THANK YOU ! It’s 4am here and as usual I’m a vampire unable to sleep.. I check my inbox to see all of you out there 🙂 I failed to mention yes I was unwittingly an affair partner even though he had told me when i met him he was separated and taken me to his house to vouch for seperate living quarters until divorce came through. Found out the truth 3 days AFTER my honeymoon when the first big lot of hidden shit was exposed. He had originally told me his ex wives HAD CHEATED ON HIM!!!!! And I bought it. All the years we were together not one of his mo$@$&$) fu ($&&$!$ family or acquaintances ever came forward to warn me and set me straight :((( yes they are all enablers.
As for our couples psych he treats my husband with kid gloves and ‘coaxes’ gently and pretty evident he goes very easy on him… hes big on treating male depression and getting guys to ” express” their emotions…..how frustrating he has more sympathy for the perpetrator than for me…however the facts are the facts and if subpoenaed he will have to admit to listening to H serial cheating. My psychiatrist can also vouch for me confirming all I have disclosed to her.
Ps I forgot to mention that his lawyer stipulates I also have to draught an apology letter to him and ready by Tuesday apologising for damaging his character and that contents of letter are lies!
I have maintained no contact with this maniac since I dumped his car and stuff at his girlfriends Christmas Eve … It’s he that has texted me on occasion but I have not replied. My main issue is monetary and as much as I hear you all advising I man up with a good lawyer I simply barely have the funds to embark upon this crazy money draining legal path :(((
I can’t thank you all enough as getting responses from the other side of the world is an amazing feeling of support x
Mia, our support isn’t enough. Sell something. Borrow money. Put it on a credit card. Call a law school and ask for pro bono legal help. Call a women’s center. Do NOT be passive in the face of his threats. Do make this go away you MUST get an attorney.
To divorce him you MUST get an attorney.
I’m not a lawyer, but if I were you, I’d ignore his threats. Lawsuits are slow things. Let him file papers, do whatever he’s threatening to do.
Whatever you do, don’t give him a written apology! He’s essentially trying to have documented evidence that you’re making things up about him. Ridiculous! That only hurts YOU.
Yeah, you’ll send him an apology when he send YOU one for being a serial cheater. What an idiot!
Time to take control. Call a lawyer TODAY.
What’s your health and safety worth? You need to divorce this scary, crazy person. You’ve got money for psych stays. Find the money for an attorney.
In your situation I would under no circumstances admit to any “guilt” of any kind by putting an apology in writing or giving a verbal one. No contact is not to punish him; it is for your protection. CL give good advice, pay close attention to it.
Or borrow money, Mia, from a family member or good friend perhaps?
You need to get a good lawyer, TODAY. Lawyer up, stay NC and leave it in their hands. He and his lawyer are obviously trying to rush you with a Tuesday deadline, because the only way you’ll do this is if you’re too “dumb” to know any better, too “crazy” to stand up for yourself and the truth, and too “rushed” to think it through and handle it rationally.
He is used to you folding and expects you to do it now. DON’T. CL once said something along the lines of: “If you want to be a different person, act like a different person.” Take the first step to be kick-ass, get a good lawyer and have him or her advise you and represent you, and take contact with these jerk off your hands. They want to sue you?? Bring it. TRUTH IS THE ULTIMATE DEFENSE. Once you kick his ass in court with the truth, let your lawyer tell him you’ll sue him and his lawyer for abuse of process. In fact, the threat alone may be actionable.
Be a different person, Mia, one who takes care of herself.
any jewelry you have worth anything, pawn it. GET A LAWYER. you need to have someone standing by your side fighting for you until you get your feet under you and head back on straight.
fuck that loser and his reputation. If he was a little more worried about who he actually is on the inside and not what everyone thought he was on the outside he wouldn’t be in the sinking ship he finds himself in.
As for the emails sent out, tell him and his dumb shit lawyer to hire a gd computer expert and trace back where and when the emails were sent from (IP address and so on). fuck him and his lawyer.
Stop being a pick me and start being a fuck you. fake it til you feel it and get some Xanax.
First, understand that your husband is not on your side. He is mean to you. He will continue to be mean to you.
Let that sink in.
So, now that you understand he will only HARM you…..you need to get away. No more letters to him. No more requests for him to apologize. No more therapy.
DO NOT WRITE THAT LETTER MIA lawyers love getting it in writing. I don’t know what the divorce laws are in Austrailia but there must be some kind od womans legal aid. and like one of the following posts stated you may be able to recoup you attorneys costs in the settlement. You can’t confront this jerk without a lawyer it will cost you in the long run
My ex pulled this bullshit. At first, I was a mess like you, but then it got to the point I was done. He can fuck around, shack up, abandon his property, lose his job, cheat people, and divorce me, but I was not going to swim in that kiddie pool. It got to the point of “you just do what you need to do. . .”
Any reaction to a sociopath gives them something to feed on. Quivering in your boots or fighting back delights them. You are still game. Game on.
Give him nothing. At the point my ex became his most ridiculous, I fired my attorney, who was about as helpful as an airbag, particularly after I told her I predicted he would do the things he did, and hired a dynamite team whose first reaction was to call my ex’s attorney and ask her “what in the hell is she thinking?” That, though, was unnecessary. She too was getting sick of my ex and just started to cut and paste his emails to her in her correspondence. That’s my next point: His attorney is just doing what he/she is told to write. The wheels will come off of that soon enough.
There were only two phrases I needed to remember during my divorce and I wish I had followed them earlier: 1. “No.” (As in, that PSA is shit, you know it, try again, and I am not responding to any points until you get it right) 2. “You just do what you need to do. . .”
But seriously. The burden of proof is on him and if he errs, there are consequences. So he just goes and does “what he needs to do” and you plant flowers, bake brownies, and drink lattes. It is almost like you heard someone say something. . . But you must be mistaken.
“Any reaction to a sociopath gives them something to feed on. Quivering in your boots or fighting back delights them.”
This is exactly it, Dr.
PS: Saw your dialogue with Chump Lady. You need to get an attorney. This should be rather inexpensive because you don’t want anything from this man, right? Seriously. Cut your losses and get as far, far away as you can. You can do without assets. He has nothing of worth. You can do without justice. You are not going to get any. So go.
Great site. I can highly recommend it.
Mia, I didn’t have the money either – but I did have a friend who lent me enough to hire an attorney to help me draw up the papers. It cost a forth of what it would to hire her to represent me. It was amazing how my ex changed his tactics once I had an attorney – and she was awesome in drawing up a settlement agreement. My divorce was final yesterday. And I am so elated to be free from his manipulation! I too went through the mind-fu*k of having relationship trauma to the nth degree. I also sat in a counseling session where the joint counselor spackled over my ex’s issues and said that it was a “communication” problem – hell yes, he had a problem communicating the truth about his sordid secret life!!! I was stuck in “fight or flight” for almost two years! I’m sure it is because I was so messed up by cognitive dissonance that i attempted false- reconciliation, all the while knowing in my guts that It would be the death of my soul to stay. Please, call a legal help line – make a consultation appointment with the best you can find. In my case, the one who responded, talked to me on the phone and then spent over an hour talking to me off the clock had personal experience with a narcissist and knew just how to deal with him. My ex ended up signing off on a fair agreement and I am finally moving on. It feels so awesome to be free – you will get there, I know you will. Oh, and I DID plaster his ass on Cheaterville, and he flipped out big time when one of his side-pieces found it first. I had them take it down, but the Karma bus had already come by and someone else posted about him on Bad Boys! You are NOT alone, go make that call so that you can counter respond to his bullshit.
In my case it was the OW who dragged me to court for harassment (not defamation of character…she had none!) Because I sent her one or two–fairly decent, imho–get the hell away, you skank, type “letters to the other woman”. I even based one on a frequently published such letter, because at that point I totally failed to understand that appeals to morality, integrity, and so forth have zero traction with these people.
Some really good lawyering took care of the legal problem, since she would have had to stand up in court and accuse me of that shit, whereupon I would get to say WHY I sent those letters (and, having worked with the press, I would have alerted local media…). She was very anxious to avoid publicity, since she was an OBGYN at a local clinic and didn’t want her reputation dinged.
I ended up with an ironclad no contact contract between her, and me & my (now-lalalala) ex-husband of total enforceable no contact across state lines, telephone, internet, talking via friends etc. Her ass was totally out of the picture with certain, swift & legally enforceable penalties if she so much as peeped.
Since as I later learned, she’s a serial family-destroyer, I doubt it mattered much. I’m sure she went on to fresh meat without a backwards glance. (Her earlier divorce record was public–the great State of WA, and wow, were some of those depositions smokin! about her affairs with other guys (married), wearing no undies to church and sitting in the front row with her legs apart (really!) and ending up having an affair with her minister, ad nauseam. But I digress–except if you live in a state with those records in the public domain it can be worth digging them out. Not hard to do at all.
Better yet, in the long run, it became clear that my (now-lalalala) ex husband really cared more about her than me… it hurt like hell at the time, but in hindsight? Just the wake up call I needed.
So I immediately secured a post-nup with half of his income, all the assets from selling our house (which was on the market) and other financial protections. Then, when I moved to divorce him, we went with mediation, and based the settlement on the post-nup…. I didn’t get 100% of what I wanted & and deserved!) but pretty close. I can survive, I bought a house, I will in time get a new job (I hope).
And best of all I’m free of the son of a sack of shit.
The worst fall out, of course, is that my daughter has to deal with not only knowing that her father is a son of a sack of shit,, but with his narcissistic demands on her for kibble.
As my therapist says, there are “fuck you” narcissists, and “fuck me” narcissists–those are the poor sausage types, oh! woe is me! I’m so sad… all that bullshit. That’s him, and now it’s on my kid, alas, since I’ve long since turned off the spigot.
If only the whore in Green Bay hadn’t chased after me with a legal order, who knows? And the funny thing is, I have never even set foot in Wisconsin, so really, jurisdiction was always in play. But so much better to just get it nailed down.
Wait….. how did you get a no contact contract over state lines ?
I thought you could only get it in the state you reside in .
Is that commonplace ?
Well– the Wisconsin statues seem to assert rights over citizens of all states–which confused the hell out of my MA attorney. But I wasn’t paying to investigate an ‘interesting’ point of law. Rather, I found the most kick-ass attorney in Green Bay that I could, using connections, and he drew up a private contract stipulating all the various kinds of NC. If she violates it, MA law takes over, if I or Ex violate it, WI law applies. However, the bitch has since moved to Washington state, which spawned her, so I can’t imagine what would happen. I don’t really give a shit if they contact each other at this point– I’m free and clear, and for sure he would lose all contact with his daughter. He’s perilously close already, although being the narc he his, can’t se the forest for the trees…. I gave him a ride from the lawyer’s the other day when it was sub zero–he started crying–poor snausage!–about a form he had to fill out re: daughter, that he didn’t know her very well.
(daughter is almost 22)
He said, “I probably shouldn’t say this but…sniffle sniffle”. I said, “So, don’t say it.”
Mia – my heart aches for you. There are so many common threads in our story, but let me share a few things that have helped/are helping me.
My ex also has threatened me many times with “my lawyer friend(s) who works for free”. He gets just enough free legal advice to sound credible, and then calls and freaks me out. Best advice from my awesome therapist – “Deal only with truth and facts.” The fact is, he DOESN’T have any filed case, and real evidence. YOU DO. These bad folks love keeping us spinning in their shit-storm tornado. Truth and facts. Those are on your side.
I had $88, no job, and two preschoolers when he left. Please find a way, any way (I sold jewelry; a friend sold plasma) to hire a bad-ass attorney. That will do wonders for you. Hugs and prayers.
“But apparently, you’re not alone here, as he too is surprised, shocked and horrified that this is who he is. How DARE you defame his character?
So your first step is accepting that he is a manipulating, disordered piece of shit. He says things he doesn’t mean. He “apologizes” for things he’s not sorry about. He cheats.
Anything out of this guy’s mouth will be one of three things — charm, self pity, or rage. Because those are the three channels disordered people are set at. Whatever manipulates you back into your place is where they set the dial.
So his dial is set at RAGE now. Threats through the lawyer. Fine, WTFever.”
CL is spot on with this assessment. These people really do have 3 default settings and rage is the one they go to when the other two don’t work and they suddenly are faced with who they really are – they’re pissed at us because we eventually refuse to keep seeing their mask and instead have ripped it off and know what’s underneath. It’s bizarre how alike they all are.
Nord: Exactly true. I was 37 when I met my ex and I was not exactly brand new out of the wrapper, but I’d NEVER met anyone like this before – I used to believe everyone had some integrity, and 37 years of interacting with other humans hadn’t disabused me of this idea. I sometimes wish I’d have stumbled across a narc in my teens so I’d have at least dropped the ‘everyone makes mistakes, none of us are born with a rulebook’ approach to thinking about shitty behaviour from other people. How can I say ‘sadly’ up until I met my cheating ex I had only ever met good people? – it’s true though, and the added insult to injury is their indignation at us ripping off their masks when we finally realise they are wolves in grannies bed!
Mia: it’s a horrible, unimaginable experience coming across one of these complete bastards (as yours surely was – to have betrayed your confidences to strangers – jeez, I’m disgusted on your behalf. I used to wonder WTF with my ex – he read, he watched films, plays, tv – he must have known what was good guy/bad guy behaviour – I can’t imagine one screenplay that would make a HERO out of what they choose to do) I believe you’ve been/are suffering from PTSD – if you’re anything like I was, this shit not only screws with your relationship with him but also everything you thought you knew about life and other people. I’m so sorry you’ve had the misfortune of being conned by this bastard. Very best wishes and kindest thoughts
My ex actually shared some very private info of mine with others. I didn’t bother telling him I knew. I just filed it away under ‘one more reason to remember he’s a horrible person’ and left it. But it’s one of many reasons as to why I don’t buy the forgiveness bullshit. He betrayed me on so many levels and I don’t forgive him for doing that. I choose to move on but I see no reason to forgive him for all he has done and continues to do.
I’m with you Nord. The saying is; ‘to err is human, to forgive divine’ – well, I’ve no ambitions to be God, and besides even God expects true repentance, and you just don’t repent being a complete arsehole and continue being a complete arsehole! 😀 Fuck ’em!!!!! 🙂
“Anything out of this guy’s mouth will be one of three things — charm, self pity, or rage.”
You hit the nail on the head regarding my ex. I don’t know if he was truly disordered– my family and I suspect possibly bipolar– but that it pretty much what he displayed throughout our marriage (though the rage was never turned on me, or I would have left him long ago).
Great way of putting it, CL. I like the comparison of the emotions to “channels.” That’s my ex– about as emotionally sensitive as a television!
WhereisMia, which state are you in? I am in Ballarat Victoria. Please please look after yourself . Your children need you to be in their lives happy and healthy.
I work in the justice system and there are legal avenues where you can see a lawyer for one free app just to get you started. There are also women’s support networks available, domestic violence centres (and as CL has mentioned cheating is abuse).
At my lowest point I decided to fight and I walked, walked and walked. It help me physically (as I then slept through the night) and emotionally I cried away from my lovely daughters.
Don’t let the fcccker gain any more strength from you. As CL and all the wise chumps state. Take control, TAKE control. You are important you are valued..
what they all said Mia, don’t do any damn thing until you can get a lawyer, you have time – this shit is slow, court things are slow. Take a breath, feel some healing just being away from the asshole. Breathe, think, write shit down – get with a trusted person to help you navigate this stuff. Breathe baby breathe, you can overcome this shit.
We know how hard it is when you are melting down on the floor. We also know that you have to recognize that he is going to fuck you over and once you get that clear? You will get up, you will stand up, and you will do what needs to be done to save your ass from his bullshit. Time to get up Mia, if you lay down you die, you can do it. JEDI HUGS
Now get up, get going, find the path and cry the whole way if you need to.
I am in the drivers seat of this whole clusterfuck and still get loony bin scared. Chronic pain brings with it the joy of anxiety and depression on GOOD days. Add in all this crap and there are days I want to hide in a snow bank until I am dead with a shovel in my hand.
Roy wants me to buy him out of the house, good thing, but the tax record of what it is worth vs the appraisal are COMPLETELY different things. Thank God I saw this coming and got the appraisal so I am still one step ahead. Roy also wants me to pay his legal fees, I have liquid assets and he doesn’t. My lawyer is a little concerned since THAT part is a whole new area and there isn’t a lot of case law to stand on. Basically Roy is trying to fuck me and not have to touch his 401k.
Roy’s brother is a convicted sex offender, possession of child porn. Arguing over no contact vs supervised. Pulled brothers record from California, via the internet. Stupid twisted fuck was charged with a lot of things but the ONE thing I didn’t know about was purchasing/possessing sexual acts performed on a minor. So I printed it all off and am putting it in the evidence pile to put in front of the judge. 99% of this is to protect the kids. The 1% is to tell the family they are a bunch of twisted fucks if they think since BIL didn’t actually touch a child what he did was not that bad.
What in the hell is wrong with ppl?
MIA, honey, you are going into a boxing ring against a prized fighter and have never trained for this a day in your life. GET A LAWYER. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I need a nervous breakdown at this point but can’t afford the luxury of having one. I have one planned as soon as this is all said and done. I will fall apart completely and I will drink, well, I don’t drink, but if I did, I would drink enough to forget most of the shit I am going through. Get an rx for some Xanax, get a shrink, get a lawyer and fuck him over.
Sheeeet . I thought it was bad enough STBXH mislaid his ketamine ( sourced from anestathtist best friend – the batch # will no doubt reveal all) my lawyer aware of this & it’s in very safe place.
That’s the thing with these messy fuckers – they aren’t just messy in one area (the affair ) there is a whole bunch of bonkers crazy stuff simmering under the holier than thou exterior. It’s gross.
I could not live in his head for a day.
How do they know what is real ???!!
“Get an rx for some Xanax, get a shrink, get a lawyer and fuck him over”
Someone write a song with this as the chorus. The chump anthem.
I think that could be a really really good country song 🙂
The prenup is only valid I believe if everyone kept up the contract of marriage.
Since, he broke the contract the prenup may be null and void. The prenup is to protect him. So he wants to make sure it looks as if you broke the contract.
That is probably what this defamation of character malarkey is all about.
As for the email being sent
It is up to him to disprove any or all of the details therein- he can’t simply say I didn’t send it. He needs to prove none of the contents within the email are factual or accurate.
If you were smart you should have collected evidence of his behaviour.
If you have do as the big beautiful boss says, and save it in a safe place and password protect.
You still have the psychiatrist who should be able to be subpoenaed.
Since he is hamming everything up- best you get real and say you have a real fear for your safety not just of your state of mind.
This is going to be a long drawn out issue. He is going to try to screw you over – so you have to be strong. This is no time to feel for yourself. You must be prepared to kick his ass.
Also- divorce lawyers suck you dry so get a good one, and don’t respond to all the details he sends via his solicitor. There tactic is to get you to engage and then get you sucked in and tired out.
Don’t fall for it
Copy pasted from a post i saw on tumblr this morning: The Simple Guide to Growing Some @#$%ing Balls
You may have them. You may not.
You may have had them (at one point). You may have given them away.
Hey, you may even have had them surgically removed. That’s cool. I’m down with that.
Gentle sir/madam, I am here today to present to you an eternal truth. It is unquestionable and unalienable, unassailable, unbendable, and above all, unkickable.
If you have balls, my friend… you’re going to have a good life.
Balls are everything. They affect every part of your life from birth onward. If you got a pair early during a dice game, lucky you. But that isn’t most of us. Most of us get our balls later in life, if at all, and when we get them, it’s after scrapes, bruises and lots of scars.
How do I know this? Well, I’ll tell you. For a very long time, I did not have balls. Like most people, I wasn’t born with them. I was a big fucking wuss, actually, and I got emotionally beat down again and again by the world. This happened for many years.
But I’m not bitter. Quite the contrary, in fact. I feel good about it. Why?
It made me earn and appreciate it. It was hard, yes. I was fucked up by it for a while, sure. But I’m over it now, and when I woke up from my self-imposed miserable state, there they were.
Whether your balls are real or metaphorical doesn’t matter. Hell, real balls don’t always demonstrate themselves and metaphorical balls are often much more evident.
Women often have more balls then men, because they learn to fight for them. Men feel entitled, and so stay children their whole lives.
Whatever your gender, it’s never too late to get them. You can have balls at any point in your life. If you want them, you can get them. You can start today. Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you–
The Truth About Balls
FACT 1. Balls are like medals. They are one thing, and one thing only: earned. When you have them, they are inalienable. When you don’t, getting them seems impossible. But it can be done.
You cannot be born with balls. They are not transferred from one generation to another. You cannot inherit them. You cannot buy them. And only people with the gift can bless others with it.
Therefore, you have to understand that you cannot grow balls until you act as if you already have balls! This is really important. Write it down in your handy reminder app.
FACT 2. All of your life needs more balls. Your fashion choices, your words, and your decisions– everything. Everyone is waiting for you to step up to the plate, but only balls will get you out of the dugout, time and again, so you can actually make a difference in the world.
“Balls” sounds like a noun, but its actually a verb– and so you can practice it. Every day, when you see something you want to do, act immediately as if you already had balls. That moment of resistance is actually easy to overcome, and beyond it is a bunch of actions you know you need to take.
Example! Months ago my sometimes co-author and friend Chris Brogan introduced me to Paulo Coelho, a master of the pen and sword, and yet I cannot for the love of God answer the fucking email!!! Ok, I’m going to go do it right now.
There, I feel better. Now your turn.
FACT 3. Ok, this is an important one, so listen carefully. There is fundamentally VERY LITTLE difference between people who do amazingly well and people who are normal. There are many almost Martin Luther Kings, and even more almost Vivienne Westwoods and almost Malcolm McLarens. But there is only one of each of those, and there can always only be one! Here is a Queen video to remind you of that.
The reason that I tell you this is to remind you, in absolutely every circumstance, what the consequences of having no balls actually is– a silent consequence because it is just an absence of results. But don’t let this persuade you that nothing is what was fated to happen. In fact, the opposite is true. Something is always possible– but rarely does it actually happen, because no one is willing to put in the fucking work!!!
FACT 4. Every day, people hand over their balls to others. They are never taken away– this actually cannot happen. Instead, they are willingly removed and handed to another person or institution. And if you are observant you can actually watch this happen!
Many people would think that the life is taken out of a person as they age. They become weighed down, Atlas-like, by the many burdens of the modern world– children, mortgage, family, worries.
What is not talked about is that two things actually happen when someone has a great weight on their shoulders. One is that they are slowly (or quickly) crushed. But the other is that they get stronger.
DO NOT LET THE FORMER HAPPEN TO YOU. Use the weights of the world as pressure to strengthen your resolve. As Marcus Aurelius once said:
Our inward power, when it obeys nature, reacts to events by accommodating itself to what it faces – to what is possible. It needs no specific material. It pursues its own aims as circumstances allow; it turns obstacles into fuel. As a fire overwhelms what would have quenched a lamp. What’s thrown on top of the conflagration is absorbed, consumed by it – and makes it burn still higher.
READ IT AGAIN. YES THAT QUOTE IS JUST AS AWESOME AS YOU THINK IT IS. God, I’m resorting to capital letters. I must be angrier than I thought.
FACT 5. The greatest and final fact!!! This one is the best… check this out: YOU’RE GOING TO BE DEAD SOON ANYWAY SO WHO CARES WHAT HAPPENS!!!??? This part is the most amazing of all. Seriously how easy is this.
You could die in a bed sitting by yourself having nothing to show for your life. Or you could be these guys.
My STBXH pulled similar nonsense – him and his child bride/ sex worker ( I’m sorry : she prefers the term sensual massuse ) got verrry bent out of shape when I dared to look at their non stop social media updates – I was threatened with some nonsensical keep off the inter-webs jibber jabber legalese . All manner of stupid legal shit threatened – he was totes show boating for her I’m sure . Dick .
My god the striking similarities in these situations is incredible – maybe we should have a spread sheet.
I’m looking at volunteering due to everyone’s inspirational stories & applying for heaps of jobs
I have stopped looking at their stupid impression management social network bollocks because it doesn’t help me
I found all the cards & notes he sent me since 1988 when I was 18 & I’m giving them all back to him when he drops my boy back on mon . They mean nothing to me.
My boys room looks beautiful. I’ve really gone to town on it. My hair looks shiny
I’ve got some cute new plates & I made great tzizki . I have emptied the tricky vacuum cleaner without crying & assembled solar lanterns. It’s been a good week!
I have heard from multiple sources that his staff are either disgusted by him or laugh at him . The new relationship is never acknowledged . His esteem within the business has plummeted & his business partner no longer considers him a friend. I am more meh about this than gleeful . I’m aware people tell you what they think you want to hear.
I think another year & I will get to even more meh. It’s a bloody struggle tho
You’re an inspiration, Posy! You know what I did with the cards and notes? Put them through the shredder…the rending/shredding noise was most satisfying! Just saying;-)
I thought about that but I’m not at meh yet so the thought of the bimbo sensual massuse coming across them & it messing with her head a little is still pleasing to me
On the last spin around the floor of the pick me dance STBXH & I were having a night at the movies – he told her he was at a clients
That’s what I forget sometimes – I think he was having this grand romance with her : the truest romance ever when he was still lying to her as much as to me.
He is what he always was. A liar who will do anything to make it easy on himself. I had the self esteem to get out. Miss sensual massuse knows full well his capacity for deception but she just “wuffs him so vewy much ” & being 25 thinks she can extract ultimatums out of him. Sure you can : he will talk a good game.
Oh, I didn’t think of that! Yes, it should make her gut twinge. My ex and his OW lied to each other…they probably still are. Oh well, live by the sword, die by the sword. May they guilt trip each other to death! Hang in there, sounds like you’re turning the corner to Meh. I just passed Heh, but will get to Meh soon.
Ok, I’ve mentioned that x was 49 and whoregirl was 22 when they began their lives post me, of course she was younger when it started. My eldest daughter was 16. So in her mind 16 to 22 isn’t musch of an age gap. When she refused to speak with him or see him he idiotically sent her an email, the crux of which went “I know she is only young but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. One day you’ll be great friends.” Well, miss 16 let him know in no uncertain terms that that ws never going to happen. And furthermore, she doesn’t know who he was, why was he acting like a pedophile? Obviously that hit the right buttons because that was litigious and did I know that he could sue miss 16 and me for defamation?! I hung up at that part of the conversation. Idiot! There has been further talk of sueing me for defamation because I told him he could lie all he wanted but I would only ever tell the truth to anyone who asked….
What I want to know is, why can’t I sue him for wasting my time? For stealing my youth? For vandalising my dreams and hopes and causing irrevocable damage?! No fucking fault! And yet I COULD prove all three.
Dirty old men don’t like being called dirty old men. I found that out quite early.
Bell zero I am in Melbourne Doncaster my mobile is 0415177305 please !!! Make contact :(((??????
Did anyone else besides me think that perhaps Mia’s husband sent the email out himself in order to blame her for doing it? Maybe I have seen too many movies, but I thought of that as soon as I read that part of the letter….
I am in Australia too, and I have managed to get my hands on quite a lot of my husband’s correspondence with his… well… whores. There are dozens.
He has been bullying me also, uttering things like “criminal charges” and stuff like that!
If you get this, do contact me, we should talk!
We might be able to help each other through this. What part of Australia are you in?
Don’t worry about that letter – it’s a standard letter designed to scare you. It’s rare that your average person sues for defamation – rare that prominent people do it too, because in doing so, it opens up everything ABOUT their character, puts it front and centre in court. And truth being a defence, you’d subpoena the psychologist to give evidence at the trial. But it’s NOT going to get that far – he’s just trying to scare you, intimidate you. If you have the iPad, don’t give it back until you’ve had everything on it copied and backed up – browsing history, hidden files, everything. Take it to a good IT guy (or gal!) and get that sucker copied. It must have some evidence on it for him to want it back.
I have to say this – the leopard you married hasn’t changed his spots. You’ve got to change yours. Be the Chump no longer. Lawyer up, honey.
PS I wouldn’t bother with a lawyer for the defamation stuff – that will just run up costs and it’s not a real prospect anyway, I suspect. Get the lawyer onto the family law stuff. Divorce him.