Hi Chump Lady,
I live in Australia. Long story short… I have spent the darkest hours of my life these past few weeks. I dumped my husband’s car and belongings in front of his latest affair partner’s house on Christmas Eve and I have been in shock ever since. Seeing a psychiatrist twice weekly, taking antidepressants, and she has been supporting me with an exit plan.
I am so unwell and landed myself in hospital emergency three times this past month due to dehydration (uncontrollable dry wrenching). Panic attacks, panting like a dog, etc. etc. WTF!!! I initially found out about my husband’s affair two years ago and painfully thought to give him another chance and marry him! His third marriage, my second. We were together five years before D-Day.
Well three days after coming back from my honeymoon, I discovered via hidden sent emails THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG! I booked myself into psych clinic for week and attempted to have the marriage annulled, but by time I was home again I realised I had become a CAREER CHUMP!!! I did couples counseling with him, and him vowing that I now knew everything and there were no hidden agendas.
Needless to say over the two years of trying reconciliation and numerous timeouts where he moved back with his mummy, I kept finding never ending horror stories! It was these last two months that I traced an address in his Sat Nav and finally got him to confess it was the address of his latest girlfriend!
WTF? We have both spent endless hours in counseling and that sociopath pretended to be devastated and he was cheating?
During one of our timeouts we were emailing each other intimate thoughts about who did what, to whom and why… And I discussed the emotional abuse I endured as a child in my family. Very private and intimate thoughts meant to be shared ONLY with him…
Well I asked to look at his emails one day (for “transparency,” what a joke!) and I look in Sent mail to discover he had forwarded my personal intimate info to numerous girlfriends “for their advice.” And ridiculing me as a ranting, raving shrew!
I have been shell shocked ever since. In counseling, I demanded an official written apology be resent.
The following week he produced a hand-written paragraph of contrite apology. Within the counseling session I told him this was not good enough. The following week I wrote out his paragraph, but put it in the context of his serial cheating, which made it clear I was not a raving lunatic.
This letter included ALL the information he had confessed to during our counselling sessions such as being on dating sites, and various gay, transgender sites, webcam sites for sex. You name it!
The psychologist read this letter and so did he. The psych asked him “It’s all there and the facts as we know them, right?” My husband replies “yeah, just let me take this away and rework it and I will send it to relevant parties.”
Weeks went by and he did not honour his pledge. ( SURPRISE SHOCK HORROR!) I since threw him out.
Today I received an aggressive letter from his lawyer threatening me with defamation of his client as somehow this letter was emailed from my husband’s iPad from his email address to various people. He is accusing me of having circulated the letter he had said he would post anyway. He is accusing me of defaming him as he claims he has received horrified responses from recipients as to his poor character and lack of moral fibre.
They are making assumptions that I have his iPad and I sent this email and they have given me till this Tuesday to hand over the iPad.
Can you make any sense of this? I feel bullied and insecure. He is a confident person with many connections ( his lawyer is good school friend) and is very intimidating. I am terrified.
I have been left high and dry as my pre-nup stipulates no spousal maintenance. He earns big bucks and I much much less and have three teenagers from my first marriage.
Any advice please?
Well Sweetheart, it’s not defamation of character if that IS his real character. My first thought it is that I hope you saved all the evidence you have of his serial cheating, including screen shots of his dating profiles and web cam adventures. Forwarded any of those incriminating emails to a safe box somewhere? Remember the address of the mistress where you dumped his things?
Dude’s a serial cheater. That should be fairly easy to prove, I would think. And with nothing else, you’ve got the shrink to back you up. (Assuming shrinks can be subpoenaed in Australia.) Perhaps our legions of chump lawyers here can weigh in.
He’s trying to bully you, Mia. Don’t let him.
This is what I want you to do — stop hyperventilating and collapsing in a heap from the shock. The guy is CONSISTENT. He cheated on you before you were married. You KNEW this. He cheated on you during your honeymoon. You KNEW this. And surprise, shock, horror, he cheated on you throughout your brief marriage.
Your horror isn’t at who he IS, your horror is BELIEVING him finally. But apparently, you’re not alone here, as he too is surprised, shocked and horrified that this is who he is. How DARE you defame his character?
So your first step is accepting that he is a manipulating, disordered piece of shit. He says things he doesn’t mean. He “apologizes” for things he’s not sorry about. He cheats.
Anything out of this guy’s mouth will be one of three things — charm, self pity, or rage. Because those are the three channels disordered people are set at. Whatever manipulates you back into your place is where they set the dial.
So his dial is set at RAGE now. Threats through the lawyer. Fine, WTFever.
You’re a chump, so your settings before were spackle, hopium, crushing grief. You need a new knob, Mia. You can’t respond to his shit in the usual old ways — dissolving into heap, hoping for the best, or believing that writing “I’m a sorry bastard” a hundred times will make him see the error of his ways.
No, the new Mia setting is KICK ASS. He threatens you? You get a lawyer. Bring it on, asshole. Ask yourself, does he really want your lawyer deposing his affair partners? If you have his iPad, you have his browsing history. Yeah, I’m sure he does want that back. Talk to a lawyer before you hand it over. He wants a fight? Give him one. He’s expecting you to do what you’ve done before — fold. Don’t. File for divorce and be DONE with him. Who CARES about your pre-nup and what he earns? Who were you two years before you married this creep? You don’t need him.
Really, what are you missing? What possible reason do you have to NOT torpedo his ass? This guy made sport of your vulnerabilities, your shared intimacies. He’s never been faithful a moment in his life. What is there? His connections and his income? Do you want your teenagers to think THIS is a relationship? Model how you would want them to be if someone was fucking with them. Strong. Self reliant. Unbowed.
Stand up to him and his threat. If he would like to go on public record about his tranny web cam habit, you’re happy to oblige.
Fuck him, Mia. Stop being his chump and start being his adversary. Divorce this idiot.