Hello Chump Lady,
So long story short, I met my wife at my military unit, I went forward to the command within a few months and she quickly got orders to another station nearby. We had been together for almost a year. We eventually got married on April 6, 2013. I got deployed two months later.
When I first met her, when she first got to my unit, I felt instantly attracted to her. But as time went by, I stayed away from her because I was hearing how she sleeps around with other men. Once I got to know her, I put all that aside and started a relationship with her. Our relationship had its ups and downs like any normal relationship. We had our fair share of arguments and great periods of time together as well.
I got deployed in June 2013, and I knew that our marriage was brand new so we would have a lot to work on when I came back from deployment. I even went as far as getting the book “Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus,” just so I can make some improvements upon my return.
While deployed, I got wind that my new wife was already cheating on me. When I came back, I got actual confirmation from her, but she didn’t tell me how many men she actually slept with until her best friend told me. I found out that she slept with four men including her supervisor. Prior to this painful information, when I was deployed I had the uneasy feeling that something wasn’t right with her. I read that a cheater will show signs of change in their behavior — change in clothing style, working out, etc. Communication from her went from loving to almost nonexistent emails and then when I did get an email from her, she would constantly talk about her supervisor.
I finally got so suspicious that I hired a private investigator and caught this man going and leaving my house. When I came home I confronted her about it and told her what I did, and she “technically” owned up to her cheating on me, but she stated that I put her life in danger by hiring a private investigator and that we were having marital issues and that is what led to her cheating. Basically, blaming me.
When I came home, she left out a notepad and because I was already on high alert I read in the notepad that her supervisor is her boyfriend, how much she loves him and can’t wait to have children with him. One letter stated that she was pregnant by him and that people would think I was the father. Shortly thereafter she put castor oil in a jar of ice tea for me to drink and get sick. (I found the castor oil bottle in the kitchen cabinet and threw it away).
She just basically changed from the woman that I fell in love with. She used to show me so much love and affection and treated me like a king. I thought she was the perfect woman for me and I thought I found the one. It just took one deployment for her to change into someone so evil. In the end she finally left me for her supervisor — who was married with a child on the way at the time. It has been about 5 months since then and I am still a mess. She stated that she wanted to work on our marriage, but I caught her leaving this man’s house a couple of times. (We live on a small island so it wasn’t hard to find out where he lived). The only reason why I did that is because she started to not come home, so as a husband I wanted to know the truth. She would also get defensive when I asked her where she was at night and who she was with.
What I am basically asking is — what did I do for her to leave me? Is it really my fault? Why did the other man come into my life and ruin it? I love(d) my wife so much and I knew that I screwed up here and there, but did I deserve to be cheated on and left? I wake up every morning asking myself why. Her supervisor got transfer orders to another location and she is getting out of the military to be with him. I am just devastated. I want the Karma bus to pick them both up and I want her to suffer as much as I did, but another side of me wants to move on. Another startling question is what does this man have that I don’t that led my wife to stray from our marriage? I just feel like I failed my wife somehow and feel like she has no actual remorse for what she did. I guess she never gave me any closure.
Hurt and Confused
Dear Hurt and Confused,
You didn’t do anything to make her leave you. NOTHING. This situation has absolutely nothing to do with your lovability or your worth. It doesn’t have anything to do with military deployments either, although I know those are incredibly difficult — especially for the person being deployed. Her cheating is all on HER. This is about her lack of empathy, her immaturity, and her narcissism.
You didn’t bring these character traits out in her by something you did in two short months of marriage. No, Hurt, her fucking around was amply on display before you married her, which is why you sensibly stayed away when you first met her, despite your attraction. You had good instincts. But you let your judgement get overridden when she paid attention to you.
This is the magic alchemy players do — they transform a reputation of fucking around into — But No You’re Really Special.
Yes, all these people I’m sleeping with are no indication of my short romantic attention span — no it’s just that I was Waiting For the Right Person. It’s a sea of competitors, of imperfect lovers, but You Might Be the Special Someone Who Can Win Me!
And then they dazzle their laser beam of narcissist sparkles (narkles?) on you. It’s like when one of those spotlights swivels around a studio audience and lands on the Lucky Winner. YOU! You won! OMG, you beat out the competition! You are the most exalted Special Person.
And then you assume, as so many chumps do, that marriage means their fucking around days are over. That was then. This is now. Because they made a promise to you. They vowed fidelity.
Alas, her crappy character has been there all along. A ring didn’t magically transform her into a grown up who can keep her promises. In 9 months of marriage, she’s cheated with four men that you know of. Hurt — she’s a sicko. Disordered. 77 flavors of fucked up. For the love of God, don’t take responsibility for her flaming dysfunction!
You think you have the power to make people THAT fucked up? You don’t. If you had those kind of transformative super powers, the U.S. military would make you a weapon of mass destruction.
Why would you think you had that kind of power? Because crazy as it is, believing that is better than believing you weren’t really special after all. She didn’t love you. It must be something you did. Because if it was something you did, then YOU can FIX IT. You can read the books, right the wrong, and put things back in order.
To conclude that there are disordered, horrible people who prey on our kindness and fuck with our loving hearts, who PRETEND to love us, is too awful to consider.
But that’s exactly what you need to do. Realize that you don’t mean jack shit to her. She chumped you. That’s what these freaks do. And take heart — not everyone is a disordered freak, there are good women out there who will love and cherish you, but she is not one of them.
The other man? He’s just the next lucky idiot that the narcissist spotlight landed on. Only he’s such a piece of shit, he’d give up his wife and children to be the Special One. He’s not better than you — CLEARLY not, for one thing you were faithful to your wife, he isn’t faithful to his. No, he’s just some jerk in the studio audience.
You want a karma bus? The military drives those I hear. Adultery, especially with a CO can get you in seriously trouble, it’s against regulations. So tell your commanding officer what’s going on and push this thing up the chain of command. He’ll definitely suffer professionally for this affair. Share the evidence the investigator gave you. Perhaps she’ll lose her honorable discharge. Perhaps he’ll lose his job.
One last thing, Hurt — the castor oil incident is really weird. And you mentioned it in a paragraph discussing her wanting a pregnancy, and having a pregnancy, like it was unrelated. Castor oil is what women take to induce abortions — naturally, without going to an abortion clinic. In early pregnancy castor oil can induce miscarriage. In later pregnancy, it can make you go into labor, especially when you’re overdue. (My grandmother and aunt did this to start labor.) The fact that she’s got a bottle of castor oil hidden, may not be some elaborate cruel prank to pull on you. (Why not make you drink Drano?) She might’ve had it for other reasons, and trumped up some trick to make you think it was intended for you.
Again, Hurt — she’s a SICKO.
Please divorce this nut quickly, and set the karmic reaction in order by telling military command what’s going on. You’ve got NOTHING to be ashamed of — that’s ALL on her.