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FaceBook Is Not Helping You Move On

social-media-stalking-cartoonPrevious generations of people got to break up and never see the jerks in their lives ever again. A hundred years ago, if you were lucky your cheater rode the rails out of town to Butte, Montana and  fell down a mining shaft.

Unfortunately, you’d never get to enjoy that particular bit of schadenfreude. However, you wouldn’t have to spend the next five years getting his FaceBook updates either. The photoshopped selfies. The parties you weren’t invited to. The adoring, clueless idiots that comprise his coterie.

Our great-grandmothers didn’t have to watch their ex-boyfriends flirt on social media. The founding fathers never rated their hotness and tweeted about it. No, the days of glorious anonymity and social isolation are gone. If you want to know what someone’s up to now, you can usually find out. Now it’s up to a chump to exert self-control. You want to untangle the skein? There’s tantalizing clues everywhere on social media.

He said he dumped me because he has to take his studies more seriously, but he just tweeted that he’s taking a two-week vacation to Cancun! 

She’s been dating him a YEAR? This is their anniversary? We’ve only been divorced FOUR MONTHS!

Holy shit, they have a CHILD together? Is that, is that my grandmother’s crocheted afghan in the background? HE TOOK MY FUCKING HEIRLOOM BABY BLANKET FOR HIS SKANK? 

Social media is not your friend, chumps. Please, just go and let these people be dead to you.

Look, I know the occasional hits of schadenfreude are irresistible and keep you coming back for more. He’s gained 60 lbs. She got a shitty Christmas present when she was expecting a ring. He’s living in his mother’s basement. She cheated on her new schmoopie. He got fired… I get it — it’s one thing to trust that they suck. It’s so delicious to see it confirmed.

But it’s still energy you’re directing at them. It’s still mental real estate they don’t need to be taking up. You’re better than this.

And face it, for every nugget of schadenfreude you unearth, you’ll also have to suffer the onslaught of their impression management. The feigned fabulous can rock the sturdiest of chumps. Boy, he looks so happy now. Maybe it was me. Maybe I suck? Or the injustice will eat at you — how come SHE gets a vacation and shiny new things and I’m paying for it as I eat soup alone in my studio apartment?

Look, narcissists need impression management and social media is narcissist crack. It’s the ME channel! 24/7 access to ME! If you tune into your cheater’s Me Channel, you’re playing their game. Believing their spin, or at least wondering about it. (All kibbles are good kibbles!) The narcissist wants to project — aren’t you jealous? Aren’t I all that? Or they want to project normalcy. See how cute and banal I am? I have a pet. I have a mom. She’s having surgery. I like the same movies you like! I scored 1400 milking shorthorns on Farmville! 

You know they’re freaks. You know where the skeletons are. So why are you reading the propaganda?

Seriously, WHY? To get incensed? Oh sure, prattle on about pixelated dairy cows, you bitch. I know you fucked my husband! What good is this information to you?

I suppose you could make a thin argument that you have children together and you need to know what your ex-spouse is up to. But do you REALLY? Do you really need the details?

Look, I like FaceBook. Especially the baby pictures. The most distance acquaintance can have a baby and I’m all Like! Like! Like! I enjoy my cousin’s accomplishments. I share the occasional grumpy cat meme. FaceBook has its place. It just doesn’t have any place in your recovery, chumps.

So let’s just pretend your cheaters all fell down a mineshaft, okay? Keep it old school.

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  • Tracy,

    IMO this article and the previous one (How mighty are you?) are two of the most constructive and valuable on the site. Both promote positive forward-thinking and help inspire an attitude of no longer allowing having been victimized to define self. Keep up the good work!!

    • Agreed, NotYou. One of CL’s best. So glad you are a journalist by profession, Tracy. You do it so well and the world benefits.

  • Social Media is the crack pipe that we need to put down when it comes to narcissists because we need to trust that what we experienced with them was real and had nothing to do with us. Narcissists are sick, sick, sick bloodsucking fucks…and world class liars and the minute I dumped my shit face I just trusted that the Universe would do the rest in following through on Universal law. I won’t lie that immature as hell part of me was waiting for the boomerang to snag my ex’s neck but when you work on yourself in an insightful and deeply introspective way you leave that emotional luggage on the curb where it belongs.

    Narcissists are professional mask wearers and will forever delude themselves and the world that all is fucking grand. No coincidence that the Oscar noms were handed out today.

  • PS. No post from me would be complete without a corny old saying. So, here it is:

    “Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.”― George Bernard Shaw

    Your admonitions to avoid participating in the WWFPW (World Wide Federation of Pig Wrestling) is right on time!

  • I stopped checking his fb for the most part. Proves I’m not at meh yet. More annoying are those who inquire about him. How would I know and why would I care?
    I’ve moved on, why can’t they?

    • PhysicsGal, when mutual acquaintances ask me about my ex, I reply, “I have no idea. It’s probably best you ask him yourself,” in a gracious manner. It ends the conversation in a hurry.

  • Blocking is your friend, Chumps. Block on gchat, block on facebook, block block block. I would even recommend setting up a separate email account if you need to be in touch with your ex, that only they have, so you can open it and deal with it on your own schedule, and not have to worry about sneak attacks in your regular email. Erect guardrails and keep yourself safe from information you do not need.

    • I don’t think enough people understand what blocking will do (especially on FB). It makes that person completely invisible, i.e. if you were to search them they wouldn’t even show up as a registered user of FB. What’s better? You are invisible to them.

      My STBX doesn’t use FB but the OW did. I blocked her immediately after I found out. Block, block, block, block, block. I can’t recommend that enough.

      • LOL, the OW has a very common name and no photo up for any of the FB profiles with her name so I blocked 20 some “Sue Shitheads” on FB just to be sure.

  • A very good point, I’d take it a step further and suggest it is wasted energy to hope for karma or schadenfreude to happen. I lost too much time thinking how unfair it was that cheaters do propser, or that there is no such thing as karma. In reality, that thinking was still thinking about the ex. It is much better for me that most of the time it is like she doesn’t exist, and I no longer have memories of her in my life. A form of denial, sure. But, it is much healthier for me that it seem like it never happened, than to morn the loss of something that never was, or to be upset that their is no justice.

    • Sadly, I keep waiting for karma. Keep questioning “why”. Why is he remarried to OW, living in a new house, going on vacation after vacation and buying a new car, while I struggle? Chumpattny, how did you get yourself to stop wasting that energy? I soooo want to get there!

      • Well, I’m no expert SickOf because I’m still looking for sustained meh…But I have frequently said to myself – out loud – “STOP IT” when I ruminate about his life. Then I turn on music, an inspirational sermon on YouTube, or think of plans to make (“hey, I haven’t seen so-and-so in a while. Maybe we can go to lunch next week”). I guess I just distract myself when I start to get spun up on his (seemingly) perfect new life.

        Plus, like CL says, I remind myself it’s impression management. He’s the same clunker, just with a shiny new coat of cheap paint that will fade and chip, just like it has before. I think it helps once you really can internalize that concept (again – I’m not there yet either, but I have my moments).

        Good luck – MO

        • I also keep in mind that the more “stuff” my ex buys, the farther into debt he goes. He can have all the shiny new cars, motorcycles, furniture, computers, and misc other “stuff” he wants. I have friends and family that loves and supports me, I have great kids that are always my first priority and I have a job that I really enjoy. I’d much rather have loved ones near by than “stuff” any day.

        • movin_on,

          “He’s the same clunker, just with a shiny new coat of cheap paint that will fade and chip, just like it has before. I think it helps once you really can internalize that concept”

          THIS!!! This is the thought I need to carry around with me at all times (totally in addition to Tracy’s immortal “Trust That They Suck!”). We Chumps get so caught up in the infomercial that is being constantly broadcast by these charlatans, that we forget we owned this product and discovered it was lousy and didn’t live up to its branding.

          Thank you movin_on for this addition to our Pearls of Wisdom from Chumpland collection.

          • and here’s another pearl: “We Chumps get so caught up in the infomercial that is being constantly broadcast by these charlatans, that we forget we owned this product and discovered it was lousy and didn’t live up to its branding.”

            Thanks to both of you, Chump Princess and movin_on!

        • I agree woth movin_on, sometimes I think it has become a bitof a habit to be dwelling on thos shit and when I really let go, I am happy and forget about him completely. I too have been telling myself to stop it when I realise I am doing it.

      • I wish I could say it was a logical or determined decision. I more sort of succumbed to accepting “fair” has nothing to do with anything, and that I was tired up being upset over something out of my control or influence.

      • Sick of HER Chump, seriously take CL’s post to heart. If you stop paying attention to your ex then you won’t be asking yourself why he has it better. The point is to STOP tracking your ex, he is not in your life now, what he has or doesn’t have is unimportant. Seriously, this is key. Your ex is a stranger, do you constantly compare your life to strangers? As a experiment, pretend your ex is Bill Gates, now what? Gonna sit there wondering why he has billions of dollars? Of course not. YOUR EX is a STRANGER, he has NO BEARING ON YOUR LIFE NOW. This is not a win/lose game with him.

        • Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom. Movin_on I LOVE the car analogy and Chump Princess, the infomercial idea is something that I will hold on to! Datdamwuf, I really do try to not focus on my Ex. I think my biggest struggle is when my kids come home from a weekend and I hear all about his great life (he’s the typical Disneyland dad too). It frustrates the hell out of me and I find myself taking leaps backwards. Starting now I’m going to implement the “STOP IT” mantra, as well as everything else you’ve all suggested. Thank you all!

  • Love this article and totally agree.

    FB does have a small place in my healing, though. Friends sometimes let it slip about certain things he’s posted and it can either forewarn me to get ready for him to break NC somehow (he’s blocked in every way that I can think of– but he usually finds a way or gets someone to do it for him)… or it sometimes confirms that he’s a narcissistic user. In either case, it helps me trust even more that he sucks.

    But, as Chumplady says, you have to keep strong boundaries or it can become really detrimental for you.

  • I have confessed before, I am a creepy fb stalker of my XH and his lady friends. Why oh why am I so compelled to do this?? I truly do not want him back in my life in any way, and I actually don’t even wish for bad things to happen to him. His life is a disaster and so are the lives of his nearest and dearest. It is just that the crazy drama is such an amazing spectacle. Maybe I need to buy a tv?

    I resolve to kick this habit.

    • River, I like this idea.

      I totally get the voyeuristic urges. I actually think they are a feature of early chumpdom: Our lives feel a bit empty and lonely (since we have not yet filled up with a new life, though we will!) PLUS we are also suffering drama-withdrawal after years of managing narcissistic/borderline partners.

      But, if you must satisfy your voyeuristic urge, then do so elsewhere! Start watching a trashy TV show, and laugh with your friends about it. That way, you’ll be able to just laugh – and not ever be sucked into true pain or anger.

    • I recommend Discovery ID or Snapped as a diversion. I frequently refer to them as training videos. The stories allow you to mentally stab, poison, etc., your cheater vicariously (devoid of the looming threat of capture or prison) while making note of why the people you’re watching got caught and how not to make the same mistakes. Virtual murder can sometimes be cathartic. 🙂

    • Kick that habit, it’s a really bad one to have!

      Seriously these people are truly low lives, they have no class and are repulsive in every way. They add nothing good to the world and just are complete control freaks. Why dirty yourself as NOT YOU so wisely quoted earlier? Or lower yourself for that matter.

  • I unfriended ex not long after dday. He was furious. Seemed very shocked that I actually dared to defriend him. But I still, for a short time, checked his page, along with the OW. Then I realised that it was nuts when I saw this middle aged man posting cutesy stuff like a teenaged girl so blocked them all and have not seen anything since. I have no idea what other social media he’s on anymore and don’t much care.

    Stop yourself from checking, it simply keeps the wound open. Block them and then let them wonder what you’re up to … because they most definitely are trying to check, if only to find things to taunt you with.

    • My oldest son actually told me to unfriend my ex (his dad) a few days after D-day. He said “I unfriended him and stopped following him on twitter and you should too. If you decide to look at what he’s doing, I don’t want to hear about it.” That was the best advice I could have gotten.

      When people ask me what is going on with my ex I truthfully say I have no idea. My kids never say anything about him. Since he moved away so none of our mutual friends ever see him either.

      It’s hard enough to get over betrayal and abandonment, no need to torture yourself by trying to find out what they’re up to.

  • Blocking is your friend.

    It’s not enough to unfriend them. Social media is pretty complex in its networks. Chances are that you have mutual friends who are really friends of friends, and they don’t know that your X is a douchebag. They know that you work with their friend in accounting, and they friended you, and then friended your X because the two of you were married. They probably didn’t get the status update that X turned from spouse to unmitigated asshole.

    Blocking them removes them completely. It will be as if they never existed.

    Now that’s a fantasy to live by!

    • Block, Block, Blockety, Block!!! and block the affair partner, too.

      You will never ever see his self-agrandizing posts in your feed or on the FB pages of your children (who understandably may remain his FB friends).

      Better yet, though, he and the AP will NEVER see a thing about you and your mighty new life. Nothing that you post on your child’s page will be visible to him or the AP. No photo that you are tagged in will show up.

      Facebook privacy settings are your friend! Learn to use them to your advantage.

      And while you’re at it, check out those privacy settings on Pinterest boards as well. No need to have your X stalking virtually ogling and stalking you.

  • When I first found out for sure that my husband was cheating on me, I took to FB to find out about the OW. And then she started stalking me. I finally had to have FB block her. FB is not your friend, chumps!

  • FB is a sorta friend.
    All the time my exH spent on it gave me glimmers of issues (so much time on it, and not with the family), though he denied it.
    And by looking at OW’s FB I confirmed that then H was lying to me. It shortened the pick me dance time.

    I unfriended ex the day I filed, he later blocked me, which I thought was extreme. We have mutual friends, so when one person replies to a comment using his name, it is obvious.

    So, use it if needed to get information, but then unfriend/block, and walk away.
    Limit the time.

    • Agree here…Facebook helped me confirm that he was lying to me. After that, totally agree that it is NOT your friend and will only help you stay stuck.

    • Also, here……FB helped expose my STBX’s lies. Shortened my pick-me-dance period.

      That being said, it was also very painful to read all of those lies on his FB and the OW….so even though it helped me, I’m not not over the trauma of it. I haven’t gotten back into FB yet.

      I’m hoping I will be able to, soon. I used to like keeping up with friends on FB. I’d rather not think that my nasty-ex could ruin that for me, indefinitely.

  • I had blocked him and the girlfriend on Facebook. BTW, I told her he was cheating, since both of us had no idea he liked cake (he enjoyed cake for 9 months). I felt a moral obligation to tell her. She was thankful I told her and it confirmed “a gut feeling” she had about it, but she’s still with him. Yeah, she’s a chump (and doesn’t know it). This site helped me discover my chumpness and I am trying hard to break free of it. There will not be a third time for me. I have been no contact with him since DDay on November 15. I unblocked them both two weeks ago. It was just something I had to do. I was feeling strong last week so I went on to his page. It is amazing how differently I read his posts. Although looking at his page is not always a good idea, it did remind me that I made the right decision and it reinforced the fact that he does, and always will, suck. The one post that made me laugh the most and confirmed his narcissistic tendencies was a video of him singing karaoke at a bar and trying to get the crowd to sing along. I am sure he thought he was the shit, but all he really looked like was an ass- at least in my eyes. I haven’t looked at his page since – I really have no desire at this time to do so. I am a day closer to “meh” but not there just yet.
    Side note: What is the deal with going after younger girls? I am 37, he is 38. She just turned 24. Grossest part about it for me is that she told me he’s been an important part of her life for 6 years!!! Yeah, since she was 18 and he was 32. Can someone she light on this?

    • My very disturbed STBXH (diagnosed addict and personality disordered, post D-Day when I dragged his ass to a number of shrinks to understand why he suddenly went batshit)… did the child-whore thing as well.

      One of his excuses for his behavior was that he always felt emasculated in our relationship- I was more successful financially, certainly harder working and didn’t have his tendencies to fuck life up and fall into a hole every few years.

      He also admitted that part of the draw of child whore was her naïveté and her admiration for him. He even said it reminded him of how I had been early in our relationship before I had the knowledge of his tendencies.

      It’s a bullshit disordered excuse, but I do believe they like to feel better and more admirable than they are- and a pining, love sick child barely out of college with stars in her eyes about his exciting job as the boss and his ability to take her out to dinner on a whim, seems to do the trick to fill their empty souls.

      Ironic too- they see it as an upgrade, but how sad that they can actually relate to a 20 yr old more than their more mature, loyal spouses who gave them real riches like love and commitment.

      • “didn’t have his tendencies to fuck life up and fall into a hole every few years.”Love this! It’s like the anti-thesis of being mighty. We spin gold from straw, while *they* manage to screw up a perfect life!

        • That is so true Psyche.

          My X was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, a mother who still makes his dentist apptments and would still wipe his ass if she could, access to the best education, a healthy inheritance to come, etc etc

          And all he does is squander it all in cycles of gambling, strippers, affairs and I’m sure much more I no longer want to know.

          • Heh…ex also has a mother with her head up his ass as much as possible. Honestly, she used to come to our home and tell him to go take a nap because he ‘looked tired’. So he would and leave me to entertain his family. I slowly eased him out of his mamma’s boy bs but she’s right back in there now. And he’s back to acting like a non-grownup, letting mom take care of everything while he sits back and basks in her adoration.

            Word to all mothers: don’t tell you kids, particularly the opposite sex one, that the sun shines out their ass and that they’re perfect. They’re not. They’re probably pretty wonderful to you but they human and they’re fallible. If they know that and learn that this is perfectly ok and that they’ll be loved anyway you’re doing them a big favour.

      • MKISD,
        I can understand what you are saying. I definitely have my shit together and am serious about my life (homeowner, mother, full time job, and working towards a masters degree, to name a few).

        He is essentially a man-child, which is why I was only dating him. I didn’t fully trust my gut, the red flags were every where, but I was wise enough to know he was not serious dating material. I will admit I had feelings for him and cared for him……I’m a chump, for christ’s sake!

        The betrayal and lying (he didn’t bother to tell me he got a serious girlfriend nor did he bother to tell her he was still dating other people) is what is causing the pain, not so much the feelings I had for him. Not to mention the discovery that he is not who he made himself out to be. That is painful as well. I feel duped, scammed, made a fool.

        He recently was promoted and is now the associate publisher at a business journal. She just graduated college ten months ago. I can see how he is a god in her eyes and how “important” he is to her life. I don’t check her fb anymore. I did look at her instagram once and she had posted so many pictures of them. The one that stood out most was of a pitiful looking dozen roses. Poor thing was so proud of them. He got them for her “just because”. Little does she know she is paying greatly for those sad looking roses. Well, I did tell her he was a cheater, so she should know the price she is paying. Without wearing my rose-colored glasses, I was able to see how he does the bare minimum for her (same as he had once done for me). It is very sad that he has anything in common with a 24 year old. I work at a university and supervise student workers. Some are very close to that age. I have nothing in common with them, nor do I find them attractive. In my eyes, they are children. Goes to show his maturity level. I remind myself every day that he sucks!!!

        Note: He finally got a DUI last year (he admitted to me he always drove when he drank). He gave both of us HPV. The more I read everyone’s stories, the more parallels I find with him and narcissism. Its all coming to light and I can see reason behind some of the weird shit he did and said.

      • Good god, your ex and mine – quite similar in needing the hero worship and not liking the adult/grownup versions of us. Final other woman is mid-20s, he’s middle aged. The ink on her degree was barely dry when they hooked up, he was 20 years into his career with two kids and me. She pulled the damsel in distress ‘oh, this fucking a married man is so hard on me – I feel so BAAAD’ while he pulled big manly man crap and acted like he was going to save her. From what? Who knows. They wanted to fuck and they did. But it had to be True Love or else they would just be two sleazeballs who wanted to fuck. She didn’t much like finding out she was simply the latest in a long list (which I let her know, for better or worse, when so much came to light) but hey, it’s the truth.

        I was middle aged as well, we had been through a lot in 20 years and no, I wasn’t hero worshiping him because I loved and valued the person I thought he was, not the image he tried to project. Seems he doesn’t want anyone to love or even see that person, which in the end is quite sad and pathetic.

        • Nat1,
          They never are playboy bunnies. I think the draw is more about the fact that they are young and dumb. They may think it makes them look good to have a young girl on their arm, but I am pretty sure their friends and family talk about it behind their backs.

          From the times I looked at their social media, pictures where of them with his family (Thanksgiving and Christmas). Not once did I ever see a picture of him with her family (or parents).

          • Ah well in this case, now that they have a baby, her family are very kind to him….”you and baby look so happy in this pic”, “so proud of the new family business” (he has started a web design business) so I guess old and dumb begets young and dumb and so it goes. He is probably more in their age group so that’s who he has something in common with?

            • my ex is with someone his age/50s, but neither one of them ever really “graduated” from high school so it’s the same thing. She was all fluttery, ‘save me knight’ and he was all ‘white knight’ with her. Meanwhile I out earned him and took care of everything.

              honestly, men like this are drawn to strong women and then they devalue them for the same traits that they loved in the beginning. I call this Mommie issues…just me.

              • Yep, a number of people pointed out the whole mommy issue to me. I never saw until the last few years of the marriage, where I often felt like I had three kids because any time anything went wrong I was teh one putting it back together, no matter what it was. He just checked out. All that scary reality – too much for his manchild self.

              • I am new to all of this – the discovery of being a chump and what it means (co-dependent) and the traits of a narcissist. The man I married (my high school sweetheart), and now the man I was seeing, are narcissists. They are almost the same person, and yeah, being a chump, I didn’t see the pattern until now.

                Now on this mommy issue thing, I found out two important bits of information. During the hell that came after dday (marriage) one of my ex’s family members told me the ex’s mother was rumored to have had her two first children with a married man. Ex was born to a different father years later. After my second dday (dating) one of his long-time family friends, told me that during his parents divorce (when he was a child), his mother was rumored to have been in an affair with a high school student (she was a teacher).

                Rumors can be false, there’s my disclaimer, but I think the rumors in these two instances are true. Is this part of the mommy issue pattern we see with narcissists?

                I learn something new every day on this site. Reading the comments about “mommy issues” made these two bits of information jump out at me. I’m such a chump.

              • ChumpedTwice, I can relate. STBX’s mother had two affairs and so did his father who even fathered multiple children with his APs. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve never thought about it as a red flag until now. Then again, I was 23 when I’ve met STBX, wide eye, bushy tail, very naive young lady. Fast forward 14 years later, his own mother is totally on his side, never even tried to acknowledge the fact that her son hurt me deeply, essentially broke up his family, and ruined his own son’s life. I guess I can’t expect much from a former cheater, even if she happens to be 70 year old woman who’s found Jesus. I wonder how to break down the “mommy issues.” Is it because they don’t value women? Is it because they lacked good examples growing up?

              • heartbroken, I’m hoping others can shed light on this. Do they punish us for what their mother’s did? Do they hate their mothers and take it out on their wives, girlfriends?

                Both come from small towns so it is possible that their families (mothers) were the talk of the town. It’s too bad I had no idea until after the fact, but not knowing I was a chump, I doubt it would have mattered much to me.

                My MIL did not address me about her sons affair. I vividly remember one evening, just a few days after dday. The phone rang and it was my dad. It surprised me because he never initiates a call – my mom is the one who places the call then I talk to him. He wanted to make sure I was okay. I could not stop the tears from flowing and I could barely speak as his gesture to initiate a call meant so much. The phone “beeps” (call -waiting) and like an idiot, I ask my dad to hold on and I click over to the other line. It was the MIL. She could tell I was crying, but all she did was ask how I was doing and quickly asked to speak with the ex. I got so angry, I told her I was on the line with my father and that she would have to call later. I haven’t spoken to her since. I went as far as to tell the ex that she was never to dial my number again. She could call his cell phone. The ex was my high school sweetheart and my family took him is as a son. At that moment I realized I was never viewed as her daughter. She showed no sympathy, not that she had to apologize or take sides, but I was upset and crying and she overlooked it. In my opinion, they both suck!!!

              • This sounds all too familiar. After the first DDay, my ex lied about why we separated for 5 months so as soon as I found out about #2 I immediately called up his mother to set the record straight. Her response: “we’ll you can’t expect him to be alone forever”. WTF!?!?!? I lost it! Maybe she didn’t care because her own husband had been cheating on her for years. My ex was also my high school sweetheart. In the 3 years since this happened she has NEVER called her grandchildren or to see if I was ok. At that moment I also realized that I never mattered to her.

        • Funny because final OW is the least attractive of all the women he cheated with (bar one) and for a long time I simply did not get it. I may be getting older but I’m not unattractive by any stretch of the imagination. Then I realised it had nothing to do with looks, it was all about her hero worship and how that made him feel. He felt big and powerful and like a big swinging dick, having this young girl hanging on his every word and staring at him with her mouth slightly slack. He’s a handsome guy who is, on the surface, quite successful and he talks a hell of a good game. He’d have to, you know, for me to have stuck around as long as I did.

          So in the end it’s kind of sad and clichéd and although I do hope they end at some point – mainly so I don’t have to see her at my kids’ weddings- she’s going to grow up as well and the hero worship will dwindle and what will he do then? Why, he’ll start screwing around again, of course.

          • Yep yep, Nord. It has NOTHING to do with looks! I am very attractive, some describe as “beautiful”, “even” in my mid 30s I’m holding up quiet well, however to my STBX I didn’t have the “perfect” body, since I’m about 20 pounds overweight from his ideal. So he found ex stripper with enhanced chest, mom in her 40s, coke head, total trash. He now calls her “that whore I fucked.” Moral of the story? It’s not looks, it’s the fantasy of better sex (than with us?), it’s the entitlement, it’s everything else, but us.

            • I*m a middle aged woman who carries a few extra pounds and I have a mummy tummy from giving birth to two large kids. Could I be in better shape? You betcha. Do I give a shit that I’m not in better shape? Not really. I’m not obese, just a bit heavier than is ideal…sort of a Nigella kind of body. And you know what else? I have wrinkles! And a few grey hairs (not many, actually, but a few). And I have a bit of arthritis starting in one of my fingers (runs in the family) and you know what? I am getting older and this is part of it and fuck him if that somehow made me seem less to him or that he couldn’t handle his wife who was, shockingly, getting older. He’s getting older as well and he’s not ageing well, simply because he’s still a child. What was cute and charming 20 years ago is no longer cute and charming. My therapist pointed this out very clearly, as in ‘You grew up, he didn’t. There is one of the main problems.’ And she’s right. He’s gone back to being a kid full time and I’m still being a grownup.

              I should have kept him as a fuck buddy and nothing more. 😉

              • I didn’t even really have that 🙁 i have beautiful kids and I keep telling myself that’s what it was for. But I sometimes feel sorry for myself a bit for having wasted all that time with someone who pursued me like crazy bit then let me feel he never ever wanted me. I’n not worried about aging but I do wish I had my youth to give to someone else.

      • I refer to it as the cialis/viagra generation. That little pill has done so much to give a false since of security, I know too many guys that started cheating once they started using them. There is justice, you do reap what you sow as I do not know of one single instance of where people got away with cheating! Viagara/cialias has its limits and who needs a cheating aging old fart that can’t get it up! Heart attacks, strokes, ED, the other woman can have it…and hear is some news I’m seeing 30 and forty year old men being affected as well.
        Cheating is some stressfull shitz! Facebook is image management. Trust that they suck! They do!

  • Oh my God…thank you for talking to me CL. The holidays was approaching and I knew he would amp up the stalking, so I went NC on November 1st. I was doing so well. Even on Christmas Day as he stood outside,I did not respond. New Years Eve when I was home alone in the dark and he kept calling and texting, no response. Even when he threatened to leave public messages on jobs office phone and email…no response
    Then came this Monday. My close cousin called wanting to have dinner because she wanted to show me something. She refuse to tell me what is was only that it had to with Instagram and she could only show me on her phone. I immediately panicked as a mother of 2 young adult children I thought they had posted something inappropriate. After getting really upset she finally told me that STBX had posted pics of OW (a minister). And How happy they look and just because he wasn’t good to me doesn’t mean he will be the same with her. I never expected in a million years the hurt, rage , and obsession that would grip me. I could not work or sleep over the thought that they are happy but worse my cousin clearly betrayed me and is a part of their circle. After all I’ve told her and she witnessed. I had no idea they were friends. They only know each other through our marriage and they no friends or other relatives in common. And when I confronted her about it and asked how could she be friends with him knowing how he abused me and continues to do so…her response What does that have to do with me..people only do to you what you allow. But I started to google to search for his page, her page, his friends page anything that would link me to see those pics. I didn’t have access to Instagram but I saw other pics on other sites and it damn near felt like my heart was going to explode. And with each pic my mind made up its own happy stories about them, and every rejected, insecure, loser story about me…Pure Torture!! I tried really hard to stay away from seeing this which is why I removed myself from social media a year ago on D day. I had to reread a ton of CL’s post and some other material on narcissism in order to talk myself off that ledge. I purposely had gone no contact with everyone who is associated with him…my dear cousin just got added to that list.
    I promised myself I would never do that again, and will myself to go back to the peace I was in prior to Monday.

      • SuzyOh,

        Your cousin is a consummate ass and a cruel and unusual sack of ferret shit. I am so, so sorry that this happened to you. (((HUGS))) to you.


        Can you please, please enlighten me on What In All That Is Hell and Not Holy is up with these cheesy, sleazy “ministers?!” Ministers?!! More like shepherds for the devil is what they are! WTFuckity Fuck!!!

        • Mine might not have taken up with a minister but his latest in a series of OWs is a sanctimonious Catholic choir cantor from the church where he works. Little Miss Butter Wouldn’t Melt in her 16 years younger mouth… Worse, everyone in that church knew me and my daughters and still welcomes these two lying whores into every church function. Even the damn priest thinks they are lovely!

          Disordered and hypocritical are the two words that come to mind.

        • “a cruel and unusual sack of ferret shit”

          SuzyOh— this best description I’ve ever read for a person like your cousin. What is WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE??

          • What’s wrong is I truly believe that their screwing each other. I use to pour out all my issues with him and she would either listen quietly or some how make it my fault. Like when he pushed me down real hard brushing my tailbone in front my daughter so I had him arrested . In her mind thus is why the minister has him because she feels I should have never called the police and ave him arrested. At the time he was on suspension from his teaching job, so when this happened he lost his job. I think justice has been served.

        • Actually I’m happy it happened now while I’m still throwing out the trash…because down the road when my life starts to smell like roses again, she would have been that unsuspected funk polluting my world.

      • My response: Your absolutely right…since I no longer associate with him or his friends and your clearly his friend so thanks for the info. This was all done through text message…so while I’m anxious trying to figure out what the hell she was talking about…by sending he rapid text she in turn was dragging it out. Good riddance to them both.

      • Datdamwuf thank you for the support. Kinda if glad about my cousin because during the holidays she kept begging me to come spend Christmas at her house but I declined. I told her and everyone else for that matter that it was the first time my daughters and I were home for 2 weeks on holiday and we were going to live in our PJs, watch movies, drink and eat. And we did. I could have invited her…but ever since she told him the time if my daughters prom after I specifically told her I didn’t want him there…I realized something was very off between them. But it’s a new year ONWARD.

    • SuzyOh, your story touched me because I know exactly what you mean by feeling like your heart was going to explode. It’s the worst feeling in the world! Your cousin is clueless, like many people who haven’t been through this. What she said was terribly insensitive and you don’t need people like that in your life right now. I’m glad to hear you’ve backed away from her and are no longer torturing yourself by looking at them on social media.

  • Incredible article and comments.

    Am I making excuses? I have had no face to face contact (but for one court meeting) w/my exH in over 5 years. He was violent, and continues to threaten the kids and me. He was never on social media until about two months ago, when the child support case worker let it slip that she found his new business on FB. At that point, I found that page, and also discovered his new wife’s page. Had no idea what the poor little pup (I’m 46; he’s 40; she’s 20 something. ick.) looked like. Also found the new page of one of his girlfriends – the one he left us for. Now I check each page almost daily for a clue of what he’s up to – at least that’s what I’m telling myself. It started as a way to try to figure out if he was nearby (or in Europe where he’s been living) so I could be scared or feel safe; but I don’t know if that’s just an excuse – or if blocking them all would be more healthy. What do you all think?

    • I am not a good source for advice on this one, but yet again I see the older man with a way much younger woman. I’m curious if that is part of the narcissists pattern?

      • My has consistantly gone after OLDER women. Older than him & I both. The past 3 gf’s have been approx 20 years older than me. Must be a mommy complex. Come to think of it, did enjoy (and I am NOT kidding here) granny porn when he was still living with me. Oh yeah, Im enjoying being single. lol

    • For your own sanity, block and don’t look. Why would you torture yourself even more. Just destroying what you work so hard on getting yourself strong and healthy. Why take take 10 steps back when you move 5 forward. Just so you know not everything it’s so hunky dory that you see on FB. Sure people look happy, have good time. So you ask yourself since you know it better, how long that pretend happiness will last. Sure we all smile to a camera. Do you post a pic of yourself on your worse day, when you are sick? I bet the answer is, No! So please believe he knows how to torture you emotionally, don’t give in. Stay away. If you can’t, than believe 1/4 of what you see. It’s all bs, nothing more. Shit another way of plunging knife in your gut. You want to kill time, you are borred, open Pinsterest account….lol
      Stay Srong 🙂

      • ReDefiningMe, when I felt at risk from my ex I checked his FB and other social sites for my own protection. After a while I realized that nothing I learned on those sites would be of much use because of his privacy settings so I stopped. However, if he has everything public and you feel in danger then checking it once a week to make sure he’s not traveling to where you are or that he hasn’t broken up with his GF so may be coming back for you might be worthwhile. Only you know if what you are doing is useful or destructive. Logic it out, decide if the info you glean is helping you feel safe or making you miserable without gaining you a thing. I suspect you will find the latter is true.

  • Timely post for me. It was just last week that I decided to google OW after several months of restraint on my part. The woman is very active on social media and my sick curiosity prevailed. Boy, did I regret it immediately. First of all, what really pisses me off is that she’s still with her husband, even though he knows about her past affair. They post gazillion of photos of their “happy” family, kids, dogs, exotic vacations, you name it. Here I am, plotting my exit and dealing with the aftermath of everything that went down last year and she is “allowed” to go on and at least pretend that it had no bearing on her life? Her husband still wants her, she didn’t fall into deep depression, she brags about her wonderful life and me? I’m devastated. How fair is this? Anyway, just venting but seriously, searching for her on the net just adds to my misery.

    • heartbroken,

      I wouldn’t buy what she’s selling on FB as a reality. Cheaters and narcissists love to uphold an image to cover up their deeply flawed selves. Her seemingly perfect life is a figment of her own imagination- that’s it and that’s all.

      • Ha ha ha! “Her seemingly perfect life is a figment of her own imagination”

        You guys are on a roll today – so many great lines

      • Yep. Yep….You hit the nail right on a head. If you want make someone jealous than keep posting on FB, picks, pin places you eat-out…learn that from teens…haha, and they hate FB now It’s not cool anymore, it’s so yesterday. Damn I’m getting old…haha

    • Oh heartbroken,
      You sound just like me! I went snooping on FB for her and saw her on the beach, smiling and laughing, while I am living in hell! I was so pissed that her life doesn’t “seem” like she is suffering, while I am using all my energy to put one foot in front of the other and deal with this new normal. I don’t have an account so I went on my H and saw the first message he ever wrote to her in 2009, asking her if she is the same girl that he knew when he was 19, blah, blah…I told him that is the day you left this marriage and started the lies. He disagrees, because he didn’t lie-he just didn’t tell me and they were only friends at that time. He even had the balls to say that the OW was such a good friend that she gave him advice about our marriage and relationship…wtf?! I took his FB off my laptop, so I am not tempted to do it again…what a mistake. I need to learn to not care and let go, but it is so hard. I

  • He met her supposedly on a facebook group (fuck buddies for free I imagine), I still don’t know how that works. As a result though my teenagers are adamantly against facebook and I have shut down my account. I confess to succombing to the occasional sneaky peak, though it knocks me stupid for days every time so I know to stop. The mere fact that he can talk to the kids about things that he would only know because it is on the school website or the netball facebook page, remindes me that we deserve every privacy, and so it has been easy not to post on anykind of social media. He doesn’t need to know about us, us is what he walked away from so as far as I am concerned our lives are no longer any pf his business, and the free advertising he does, well I giess I just need to remind myself “too good to be true!”

  • I go back and forth about the technology. On the one hand, if I thought he were down a mineshaft in Montana, I might be all nostalgic and wistful over what we had together. I might even be trying to ride to the rescue to get closure. Nothing like your ex’s ridiculous wedding photos on the internet to get bring on closure. It’s so over, dude. So embarrassing to see you making a fool of yourself.

    On the other hand, the technology itself is such an inducement to cheat. When landlines were the only way to communicate you couldn’t have furtive, smutty, heavy breathing sessions. Not with the wife in the house. And OMG — the cell phones with cameras are a menace, no? Cops probably haven’t arrested an exhibitionist in years now; the pervs just aim that camera down and snap a shot of Mr. Wiggly.

    I have a total alias presence on FB, not because I want to be a creeper, but because after the divorce was final and I went back to using my maiden name, old high school classmates (the guys), now 2 and 3 time losers, kept pestering me for dates. I went out with one — he spent the entire time bitching about how his ex wife had turned the kids against him. I don’t have time for that shit. Get a twenty year old to listen to your tales of woe.

  • Amen to that. As soon as I moved out, I blocked XWH, and as soon as the Owife put up a profile, I blocked her as well. There is NO point in picking at the scab every time it heals over. And I only believe about half of what people post on social media anyway– it’s amazing to see how they portray themselves when you know what is really going on in their worlds.

  • ChumpLady is available on Facebook? Another person I can hit the refresh button to. Just kidding.

    I blocked my ex immediately after retaining my attorney. However, information finds it way through other venues.

    At first, I cited my safety. Then I reasoned it was better to get it in slowly than to have it run smack into me, say in the form of a pregnant mistress-turned-wife Costco*. But really, it is emotional cutting. I frankly have no reaction when I first learn something, it is ruminating over it that elicits a response, so I am sure if I catch them picking their nose at a stoplight or run into them while trying quiche samples, I will likely be nonplussed.

    *My terror fantasy of running into them at Costco stems from my cousin spotting them there during and watching the crotch jockey tie her shoes–“I kept giving them my mean face, but they didn’t notice me.”

      • What is the appropriate reaction to be had in these situations? I saw OW at Target once and I nearly had a panic attack. Such a TRIGGER for me. I now use a different Target 2 towns over. What’s wrong with me?

        • I have nothing to say. In my head, there is a lot to say, but in reality, there is nothing. So I stick my nose in the air, flip my hair over my shoulder, and continue to look like a rock star. What else is there to do?

          You should use your Target. They do not get custody of a Target. They should be worried about running into you. Which is my take on Costco.

  • This one is easy for me because I was blocked on facebook on dday #2 (dday#1 too. ).

    My facebook divorce preceded my real-life divorce by many, many months 🙂


    • Childish…Less headache for you..
      I was unfriended and blocked day he moved out of State. So it was my friend, I never friend any of his friends, he did not had many real ones, FB maybe tons. I could care less what he does or who he does…

  • If you really feel the need to follow up on your cheating ex, I strongly recommend you make the glittered turd I’ve described here previously. Brown Fimo clay molded into a shit, then covered with glitter-glue in the color of your choice. I used gold for mine. When the urge to cyber-spy on your ex hits, instead take a moment to gaze upon the glittering turd that perfectly symbolizes what s/he really is. No need to look at the lie of Fakebook, that isn’t reality, it’s just their sparkly, lying bullshit.

    And block on Fakebook, not unfriend.

  • My facebook divorce should have heralded my real divorce, when he blocked me after I hurt OW’s feelings. He played so many juvenile games with me, friending and unfriending me, periodically blocking me when I called him out on his lies, then the grand gesture of changing his status to “married”. Oh yes that was very special. His last friend request I just ignored. I haven’t blocked him yet. I occasionally check on the weekends to see if he has posted more pics of him with various skanky women for our daughter to see. At least he will take them down if I say something. I really should stop looking altogether.

  • XH (divorced 15 years ago), tried last week to do a LinkedIn connection to my LinkedIn profile. I been NC with him since the divorce.

    Looked at his LinkedIn profile and it was ALL LIES.
    Verified to me his NPD.
    Blocked him from linking with me.
    So glad he’s out of my life.

  • I don’t have them blocked, but I also don’t look at their pages anymore. Well, ever since I discovered that she had their relationship as having begun an entire week before I ever found out he was cheating, which was also the same week he met her. I’m sure his parents are proud.

    I screen printed it for later use in my divorce and vowed never to look at their pages again. And, yes, I have once or twice, but haven’t for a good long time, because I have come to a place of not really caring anymore what they are to each other.

  • Social media phobe here (no FB, Twitter, etc accounts) and it has worked wonders for my healing. Sure I can access FB and did it once in the early days and never again. They “appeared” happy and I felt sorry for myself. Then I simply let go and worked on myself instead. Fast forward a few months later and the ex showed up on my doorstep, looking miserable and desperate, claiming he was sorry and claiming “it’s been horrible”. So those FB pictures? A smile is simply a snapshot in one second. The real story behind the smile did not reflect the life he has been living. That line about being in a relationship with her? An easy line to upload without revealing the truth behind it. So unless you’re a fly in the wall, there is no way of unearthing the truth. And even then, do you really know the whole story? To go even further, what difference does it make? I felt miserable when I saw their pictures based on my interpretation. Talk about a complete waste of time and energy. Today, what my ex does is completely irrelevant to me but I got here because every time I got curious, I asked myself, “do you feel like hurting yourself?” And the answer was a no.

    • I would ask myself “will this help me or hurt me?” when I felt tempted to see what he was up to, talk to him, etc. The answer to that question was always “it will hurt me.” That helped me a lot in finding the strength to stay NC.

  • My ex thought he was being so sneaky when he completely blocked me on facebook. I did not find out he was a cheater until 6 months after the divorce was final when his AP posted a picture of the 2 of them she had taken in my bedroom on my bed. It showed up on my feed because she had friened some friends if my x’s that were mutual friends. We had over 80 mutual friends after being high school sweethearts and graduating together. I quickly learned his AP has a facebook problem and posts almost hourly updates about how happy they are. I deleted my account 48 hours later and have never looked back. It was the best thing I did.

    All the posts only make me wonder who she is trying to convince she is so happy. Herself, or the world.

    • My mouth is still hanging open, z00, she POSTED A PICTURE OF HER AND YOUR EX-HUSBAND IN YOUR BEDROOM ON YOUR F***ING BED?!?!?! They are sick sick sick.

      • Yes, she did post that picture. I have no idea when it was taken. I especially liked the comments from people I thought were my friends stating they were so glad he was finally happy.

        They lived next door to each other until they were 10 and then she moved away and found each other again on Facebook when my youngest (of 3) was a little over a year old. She is the love of his life *roll eyes* I guess the 30 years with me from the age of 14 was just a distraction until they could find each other again.

        • OMG zOOkeeper that is just about the same thing that happened to me. H and OW dated in HS she married someone else. 40 yrs later they find each other on FB and “she is the love of his life” I also guess the last 24 yrs of devotion,love and care can’t hold a candle to “true love”

    • z00keeper,

      Anyone who would publicly post a photo of themselves in another woman’s bedroom with the aforesaid woman’s then-husband on that woman’s bed is a rancid, rabid, totally foul, pus-filled she-beast. And those are some of the nicer things I can think to say about her. Those two pigs from hell deserve each other.

      • She posted the picture after it was final. I am not sure when it was taken. But, it was enough for me to walk away from Facebook. I am so much better off. It has been a year since I left and I do not miss it at all

        • My xH found his twoo wuv on FB, too! She was an ex fuck of his from when they were teens, so they felt that it was destiny that brought them back together, since they are each the only person the other has ever TWOOWY WUVed.

          Hahahahahah…good luck with that!

          And, yes, people comment, “Oh, look how happy you two are, you’re so perfect together!” I’m sure if those same people had any clue how much devastation she and he had caused to four really nice people–three of them kids–they might not be so enthusiastic, unless, of course, they’re of the ilk who claim with saucer eyes and empty heads, “Well, if he wasn’t happy….” Because everyone knows that true happiness comes from running away from your family into the arms of a manipulative, older, alcoholic, soulless homewrecker. Mmmmmm–MM!

          • Miss Sunshine,

            I do have mutual “friends” that I very known as long as we were together 35years, they know that the two of them began their affair when I started fighting a life threatening illness, and they post those exact same comments as you’ve experienced….”you two are so perfect”, “never seen such a perfect couple”, so good to see that you’ve found the perfect partner”.

            It hits right down to my soul. They know how much cruelty and devastation he’s caused me and my kids (one of them is my daughters god father, and until I unfriended and blocked him he didn’t miss a chance to “like” and comment), which caused the pics to come through my news feed.

            Tonight I’m really struggling with, how these religious, (constantly preaching their love of God and strong family values) people turn their backs on the victims and applaud the cheaters and their AP. One word comes to mind – hypocrites. But it doesn’t ease the pain tonight of being betrayed yet again.

  • OK, main OW blocked me on D-Day (I guess she was upset that I posted on her wall, telling her my then-husband had admitted to me he’d been having affairs with her and her best friend and that this had been going on while they were guests in our home, so she could imagine my sense of betrayal). I blocked my ex, who thereafter deactivated his account in a fit of fear. I would have looked, and probably would continue to do so from time to time out of some sort of morbid curiosity, but I can’t. A very good thing. 🙂

  • I was active on Facebook for about 2 years and then found myself not having logged in for about another 18 months after that. I cancelled my account about 3 weeks after my XW ended our marriage mainly because I’ve been wanting to anyway, and also because the thought of the OM does bad things to my blood pressure and I didn’t want the temptation. It turned out that I never really liked Facebook and didn’t use it as much as I thought I was going to. I thought about joining Twitter because a few people I know are on that, but I don’t see that happening simply because it will probably end up being used as much as I used Facebook. I’m a really private person anyway, and I’m still really uncomfortable with the new smartphone I was gifted with last week (and probably will remain so for a while). I do think that not having all the social media has helped me keep a needed distance from the bad things and has helped me better enjoy my alone time instead of wallowing and/or seething with anger during my alone time.

  • Love this post too. I was one of those facebook stalkers, look they are going on a holiday, they are going to the movies with her kids. I would get all those feelings come up… he never wanted to spend time like that with me and his own kids but he will with her. I soon realised that it was all show. He was still the same person. The person who never bothered with his own kids. It is all shiny new paint and it will fade. It took me a long time to block but so glad I did. Saw a post from the OW that she used facebook to “snoop” on a particular person on her page… aka me. That was it for me. I blocked her and then finally him. I occasionally still have to have stern talks to myself when I feel myself getting the urge to just have a look… a big fat NO!! He is soo not worth even bothering with.

  • Hi Tracy,
    All I want to say is THANK YOU for writing and posting about this topic! I wish I had it to read this time last year when my relationship ended. Because I learned the hard one on my own. I cyber stalked at first then I realized sometimes, it did just reaffirm what I already knew that he sucked and sometimes it made me slip back and it just was me fucking with myself really.

    Whenever I stopped looking for any length of time I found my life moved forward and my thoughts became less and less about him or what happened. Then of course the urge would arise I would look and set myself back once again to start healing all over.

    Shortly after I put a full on block on his FB last July, the Tuesday of Meh arrived not too long after and I returned to feeling much more steady and stable on my feet and was able to really get through processing it all and finally getting to Acceptance of what happened as well as Meh.

    The test of all of this came yesterday as the last time I saw him was last July at an industry trade show. We are in a business connected loosely to what each of us does for a living and he never goes to this trade show but suddenly appeared, I saw him was nauseated and afterward blocked him on FB after he started texting me while at the show.

    Yesterday I had a customer come into my office that I started working with last year. I thought he was kind of a weirdo then. He made a last minute appt. with me again yesterday and out of the blue toward the end of our meeting, he said “So I understand you used to date Carl”. I just looked at him and laughed and said, “That’s embarrassing.” So he said ” why?” and I replied “because that was a mistake and I am glad it is in the past.” So he said “well we have all made them” my reply was “yes we have!”. Then this weirdo actually said to me ” is there anything you want me to tell him?” to which I replied “No, I wish him well but far, far, far away from me!” Beyond the fact that I felt set up and that this guy was just going to report back to his buddy about how I looked and what I said, I felt natural and fine and unemotional about the interaction and didn’t care other than the fact that I felt like Creepy Carl is the thing that will not die from my past! – Then I realized I have taken my power back and he can’t hurt me or have any effect on me and if this little episode gets his rocks off because he choreographed this little interlude then that’s his illness not mine.

    Of course after the fact I wished I had just replied to him, “Carl who?”. We are always wittier in hindsight.

    And on that note, thanks again for posting this as NC is not enough on it’s own and this specific and separate addition is a necessary part to finally getting to Meh. It did wonders for me and was well worth it! I know it will be so helpful to others.

  • I personally do not have FB account so a lot of my friends are friends with STBXH so they know what is going with me. According to them, STBXH have dumped his FB account since d-day. I guess he does not want everyone to know that he is cheating on me.

    We do work in the same company so sometime I get people contacting me informing me he is cheating. I am so sick of it that I been telling everyone I know at work that I am getting a divorce and there is no need to tell me what STBXH is doing. This have helped me to recover. I do not need to know that he is walking around work with OW and which one of his co-workers are aware of it. I have enough information and do not need to hear anymore as it just will not help me move on. Thankfully, I moved to another building so I do not have to run into them.

  • I pose a slightly different question: have any of you done the other thing in regards to FB, which is post happy/fun/witty/look at me being an interesting individual things on FB and make those posts public so the AP can see (in case she looks) that my life is moving on, I have great friends, life, whatever… I know I know it’s pure insecurity on my part but I just wonder if any of you at least had those urges.

    • I did in the early days. I posted lots of pics of me smiling, doing so much. I was having a great time but I always was thinking I will post this so the AP or the idiot can see it. I don’t care about them anymore and I have gotten to the point where I don’t care on little bit what he thinks. You get to that point when you focus on you.

      • I actually started a FB page after I found out about the OW so she could see me and who I am ( an accomplished, intelligent, professional woman) I also wanted to see her page as well. I really only use FB to reconnect with my friends and family.

  • This is good stuff to be sure. Two weeks after I found out my STBXW was a cheating jackwagon, she wanted to go out with me and her family to have ice cream after my daughter’s play at school. She was trying hard to be FB friends and be enlightened co-parents etc..,. Weirdo. I told her to fuck off and that she was not my friend. She made that pretty clear by banging the loser ex-boyfriend.

    So, she blocked me on FB. It’s been good. And, I deactivated my account for a while before that anyway. Our problem has been texting and e-mails; even with simple child logistics. In the beginning, I was trying hard to be friendly and have limited contact. Before I knew she was cheating, I was furious about her basically sucking as a partner in many areas. When I found out, I hit the roof. Our simple divorce became electrified with anger and high tension. She’s not trying that dopey be my friend act with me now.

    And, I dumped all of her family and her shithead friends who I thought may have known and pretended to be my friend. Fuck’em all. FB, Linkedin, Pinterest, Instagram, Flickr, on and on. Dumped all of their sorry asses or just closed the account. I’ve got better things to do anyway.

    I would check FB on occasion and my friends would ask me why I was torturing myself. They were right; just like a few vet chumps have already posted here. It’s poison and detrimental to me moving on. Besides, What the hell am I looking for? Sweet pics of her and Schmoopie boy? That’s wrong because it hurts me. Oh, and her AP is a pretty well known artist in the metro area. Well, I should say he’s ALL OVER THE INTERNET! Fuck me, right? You tube, FB blah blah. It’s ok. I learned he’s a guy who hasn’t grown up and he still acts like he’s a freshman in college. It is pathetic. Some people grow old but don’t grow up (esp. men).

    I do want to share that I am a NC badass now, but I have had help. It’s a program called Our Family Wizard. It’s an email/message board for just you and the ex. It also has a place where you can post expenses owed and paid; a calendar for child visitation; and basically every other practical need parents have in a custody sharing divorce. You can see when they were on it and when you last visited. And, it’s accessible by the attorneys and admissible in court. It’s sweet because my divorce has become ugly. She lies about money and things I’ve said, etc..,. Now, it’s all an open book motherfucker. No more syrupy texts from the phony STBXW, no more passive aggressive emails. Well, if there are, all the lawyers and judge could see the offending comments or lies without much rigamarole. OH Behave.

      • I don’t really know. She hasn’t acknowledged anything and I haven’t asked. I suppose they are. She was with him within a month after she moved out I know from phone records. They talked for like six hours one time. I have little to no contact with anyone who would know; and if I do, I either don’t ask or shut them down if they even seem like they are headed in that direction. He was an ex boyfriend from before. I believe she was always in contact with him through our marriage and probably had an affair for the last 3 years. And, I never knew she was in contact with him until later in the marriage and she lied about that.

        She was shocked when I asked her for the divorce. I will say that she is aware that our daughter is having a tough time and I think she has held off on getting serious with the fool. He’s not step dad material at all. But what the hell do I know? She’s a liar and fucking cuckoo for cocoa puffs. It’s all speculation on my part except I have enough info to claim my place in chump nation.

      • Thanks for asking, though. My other thought is, if they are, it won’t last. Every pic i’ve seen of him is of him drinking, smoking or doing crummy art. And, some other info surfaced that he drops acid and I’m pretty sure he smokes dope. Like wake and bake with a bong in the morning pothead. So, my sister in law is an PI and does work for me on occasion. My lawyer and I have discussed getting the lowdown because I don’t want amy of that crap around my sweet kid.
        It’s weird to me. I don’t do any of that stuff anymore (I don’t even drink). And, STBX isn’t a heavy hitter at all. Shrug.

          • Not XW yet, but yes. It’s 50-50. I’m in a State where the legislature will soon codify 50-50 custody as the presumptive arrangement. There is no more primary residence, unless it’s an unfit parent situation or the parties agree. We’ll fight about it I’m sure. My STBX is VERY sparkly. She is Licensed mental health counselor and has degrees in social justice, etc..,. (wtf right?) So, she has many blinded by glitter and sparkles. That’s why if I get the goods through investigator, I may have something to argue. I’m not hopeful though. It’s a pretty high standard to overcome here.

            • “High standard?”?? How about try fact that she’s a bona fide cheater?? I know in most states this holds no value in regards to custody disputes but it’s worth introducing as an example of her character and moral decision making. My own custody battle is still ahead of me, but Id like to think STBX being a philanderer will have some significance when we do end up in front of a judge. Am I right?

              • I live in a no fault state. And, adultery has significance only in the context of alimony. If the cheating spouse expended marital assets in the affair, then they may be “punished” in their pleading for alimony. Otherwise no one gives a rat’s ass in the courts. As a matter of fact, the drug taking moron my ex may be seeing now is not enough to get me full custody.
                That being said, cheaters have little credibility with judges when testifying. And, usually doesn’t get to that. Besides, the judge may be a cheating asshole too. I know some who take their assistants and lawyers into chambers for a little afternoon delight. I am jaded in love and work. lol.

                All you have to do here is plead “irreconcilable differences.” This makes it easy for spouses to leave abusive relations and cuts down on nasty pleadings in court papers.

                Anyway, I matters to me that she a lying POS.

  • Well, just to prove I’m not a CL sycophant, I’m going to disagree. And I think I’m alone here, but that’s ok.

    I LIKE looking at FB.

    Without it, I’d imagine that he was sad and probably missed me, was probably having a terrible life, and I began to feel sorry for the poor sausage. Any day, he’d be contacting me, and I’d be the bigger person, if not a little smug about how shitty he’d made his life. Oh, he’d really fucked up his life, the way I’d imagined it. And I have quite the active imagination. She probably made his life miserable!

    Then I checked FB and found that he seems quit content, and they’re living a happy life of leisure together. It’s the stuff that throws me for a loop–the trips to Hawaii, seeing what used to be our stuff in her house, seeing her standing next to him wearing clothes I bought him, the wedding pictures, finding out she moved to my town–these things are devastating IN THE PRIVACY OF MY OWN HOME, where I can process with my ugly shocked face, hunched over in pain, instead of being surprised in public. See, by the time I have to see him again, I’ve already processed it and am at meh.

    So, yeah, I found out they scurried off to Vegas and got married. I freaked out, and then the whole thing ran its course. What a dumb-ass he is. All the painful rejection aside, what a fucking dumb-ass he is. Everything he earns from NOW ON, including retirement funds, is HALF HERS! So I freaked out that he is HAPPIER with her, and then I got to WTF ever, idiot. So now if I am ever confronted with his new status, I’ll just be all, “What? You got married? Meh.” On the inside, of course, because I don’t speak a fucking syllable to that jackass. EVER. I look right through him if I have to look his way, and then I walk right by and keep going. Ugh. Turd in the punch bowl showed up. Ugh. Now, were it not for FB, if I’d seen him with a wedding ring in public, I’d be all, “You got married! I’m FINE! I’m TOTALLY FINE!” And then I’d blanch and maybe faint or something. Maybe make that ugly face, and then, boy, oh boy, wouldn’t HE be smug.

    One thing that was AWESOME to find out was that he is living in a total SHIT hole. Somehow pictures of his trailer trash front yard never make it to FB, but they are on Google maps. Fuckin’ A! Neck-high weeds and junk everywhere, peeling paint. Holy shit. So all the kayak trips and sailing, I guess is from all the time he does not spend on maintaining her home, their love nest. And, yeah–that was a big boost.

    Yeah, so, anyway, I like to look.

    • I take a look too, and I see that he is watching me and how I’ve moved on. He makes comments to our son about pics my son’s posts, and in one I was in the background. In that post he said to my son, “Hey, I saw mom” Yes, he did see mom and he saw that I moved on, and that he gave up fabulous, economically stable, strong, resilient and loyal for his life which is now in shambles. Too bad, so sad. Chumps ultimately rock # karma, # have a nice day.

  • So…not sure if anyone else has experienced this about their NPD cheater, but mine is NOT on Facebook, very specifically because he HATES the exposure of it all. See, having your business all over Facebook can be very transparent. And someone trying to get away with lying, manipulation and leading multiple lives cannot exist with that kind of exposure. So my NPD hates any and all Facebook activity. He will pretend it’s because he is above all the social media frenzy but really, it’s because it makes it easier to deceive. I’m frankly surprised that there are so many transparent cheaters out there to stalk!

    • Yes to NPD cheater who does not participate in social media. “Mine” (not for too long, I hope) is 42 yo, college educated blah blah but is not even on Linkedin. He has zero presence on the Internet and I believe it is because he would truly have to pretend who he is, at least on FB. Actually, he’s also a big loner and doesn’t have any friends besides distant acquaintances and some family members he hangs out with. His closest buddy is his cousin who happens to be a notorious cheater himself. Go figure.

  • What I did when I filed…
    I set up a new email account, then I set up a completely different facebook account. I blocked Roy’s whole family, any questionable friends and set my security settings as high as they would go. No pics are shown, no friend lists, nothing.
    Then, once I had the new account all set up and ready to go, I friended the people on my old account that I actually KNEW. Once I had all the requests sent out, I deleted my old account. I could give a shit who he is seeing, what his family is saying, they can all sit and say how he didn’t do anything wrong just like his pedophile brother. My main concern is keeping Roy and his family out of my stuff. Is it completely fool proof? No but it is as much as I can make it. I have friends all over the world, I am not disengaging from them and shutting down facebook just to avoid Roy. Fuck him.

  • I too have a fucked up ex-in law family. Affairs, passive aggressive bullshit, sneakiness, manipulation…it’s all there and I never really considered what that meant as far as ex and I. He is a product of that family and it shows every day.

  • Well, I come from a cheating father and a chump-mum and no way I’d ever cheat. My cheating ex comes from an intact family. A family that immediately demoted me to “third rate distant family member” now that he is moving into lalaLand with AP, so I’m not too sure about their moral compass… but we should be careful trying to find common ground in family history for cheaters. IMHO the only thing they have in common is unbridled selfishness.

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