The Second Annual Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest

valentineWe’re getting an early start this year, chumps. It’s time again to send me your Infidelity Valentines!

During this season of love, roses, and cut-rate chocolates, it’s important to remember the less fortunate — those poor sods that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.

So send me a poem! Just like last year’s contest, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winner gets a “meh” travel mug. (I ship internationally! Don’t be afraid to compete!) I will announce the winner on Valentine’s Day and draw some accompanying cartoons. So hey, the day isn’t a total waste, right?

To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.

I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.

A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.

There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys

To inspire you, here are last year’s winners with cartoons:

notplanBLina 

“Nice guy” was only for show
You passive aggressive asshole
The children and me
Will NOT be “plan B”
I lied, sex was only so-so

ThatGirl

Christmas come and gone
Jewelry from Tractor Supply
Can’t make this shit up

tractorjewelry

 

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nomar
nomar
10 years ago

Inspired by my very last child support payment, made YESTERDAY, after years of payments. Child support is truly sucky when you’re writing the check to a cheater who has shacked up with a former affair partner and you KNOW the money isn’t going to the kids. But it’s fun to contemplate the pay cut looming for the cheater household budget.

A check every month
to subsidize their luuuuurve nest
Chump change for cheaters.

Your new poor life sucks
like you in your boss’s car
when we were married.

Tape worms, ticks, and fleas
only steal a little blood.
Cheaters steal your life.

Danabern7
Danabern7
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Love it!

RobinLee
RobinLee
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

These are all great!

CW
CW
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Like this one – I’ve come to calling my XW’s affair partner a parasite, whose very existence serves to try to suck out all that is good in my life.

IT WON’T HAPPEN.

JulieP30
JulieP30
10 years ago

I was so awful.
But she really gets you.
Ha! Now she has HPV too.

SeeTheLight
SeeTheLight
10 years ago

Had a virtuous wife who cared for me,
Jumped ship and let her drift out to sea.
She made port in friggin’ Hanalei,
While I’m awash in my own HPV.

nomar
nomar
10 years ago

And some limericks:

A cheater gave love that was fake
Her lies made her husband’s heart break
He heard through his pain
Her unspoken refrain:
“I *like*love–but I really love CAKE!”

There once was a chump most complete
Her true love would cheat and re-cheat.
She found the Chumplady
Saw how he was shady
And kicked his dumb ass to the street.

Michelle
Michelle
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Awesome!!!

Digbert
Digbert
10 years ago
Reply to  nomar

🙂 love it!

DuckLinerUpper
DuckLinerUpper
10 years ago

We were married, and you said “I do”
I was happily faithful to you
But you fucked around
I divorced you downtown
Guess what? Now I get to date, too

Danabern7
Danabern7
10 years ago
Reply to  DuckLinerUpper

Love it!

RobinLee
RobinLee
10 years ago
Reply to  DuckLinerUpper

Laughing out Loud!

Kimmy
Kimmy
10 years ago

I’m happy she walked into his life
I can say I’m no longer his wife
She will take him for more
as she is a whore
Now SHE is stuck with this lowlife!

SeeTheLight
SeeTheLight
10 years ago

Sucker punched
I’ve regained my breath
You lack the depth
To make Featherweight

ReDefiningMe
ReDefiningMe
10 years ago

You were never real.
I loved an image; an act.
The film is over.

You said I was “lucky” to be with you;
That all the women saw it too.
But the truth set me free
Now I hope you all see
That my heart has healed; life is brand new.

RobinLee
RobinLee
10 years ago
Reply to  ReDefiningMe

Love it!

DuckLinerUpper
DuckLinerUpper
10 years ago

You cheated and got all your thrills
Now damage control is your drill
Want our kids to feel
Like it’s ‘no big deal’
You think I won’t tell…but I will!

Nat1
Nat1
10 years ago
Reply to  DuckLinerUpper

Beautiful 😉

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
10 years ago
Reply to  DuckLinerUpper

Could be my story! Nice!

SeeTheLight
SeeTheLight
10 years ago

Rescue me cried the whorish dame,
Sir Stud-less on the way
Armed with his false tales.
The Lady of his Manor quakes
But does not break.
Adultery is no gutsy.

AtomicFireball
AtomicFireball
10 years ago

Old guy at the bar.
He’s an Irish band groupie!
Thank God I left him.

I can’t watch our daughter today.
It’s my weekend but I need to play.
Why can’t you see?
I own the band’s t’s!
Time with our child gets in my way.

nomar
nomar
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I think “Fear caillte na himeartha a luíonn le muca” works.

AtomicFireball
AtomicFireball
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

It does indeed, Nomar!

CL – the translation (per Google) is: loser who lies with pigs

Digbert
Digbert
10 years ago
Reply to  AtomicFireball

We would just call them ‘Gobshites’ 🙂

Jayne
Jayne
10 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

gobshite is a brilliant word!

Chumpdiddlyumpcious
Chumpdiddlyumpcious
10 years ago

You cry for what you have lost
Paying no mind to the real cost
I’m almost done paying
For your indiscriminate laying
Now you can go get tossed

Berdawn
Berdawn
10 years ago

I love this!!!!

DuckLinerUpper
DuckLinerUpper
10 years ago

One day you just left, for your whore
My guts spilling out on the floor
Now I’m not there to clean
Ohhh…Life’s lost it’s sheen?
Your problem! I’m your wife no more

danette
danette
10 years ago

Once blind to your ways
My eyes are now wide open
I trust that you suck

Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Ooh. It’s Margaret Atwood: “You fit me like a hook and eye. A fish hook, an open eye.” (Let me make it clear again that is Margaret Atwood, not me. If that were me, I would sitting pretty on book deals in Canada.)

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
10 years ago

May your life be long
At a great distance from mine
Separate, silent.

DuckLinerUpper
DuckLinerUpper
10 years ago

He thought he perfected his tricks
But cell tracking exposed him real quick
His 2 am fuck
Means he’s all out of luck
I’m done GPS-ing his dick

This is way too much fun!

AmyLou
AmyLou
10 years ago
Reply to  DuckLinerUpper

This is great!!

Digbert
Digbert
10 years ago
Reply to  DuckLinerUpper

funny

ColdTurkey
ColdTurkey
10 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

Wow … some amazing talent on this forum!

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  DuckLinerUpper

And you are really good at it! LMAO!

TheSnootyCow
TheSnootyCow
10 years ago

Should have said I don’t
You told me that fateful day
So why are we here

BarristerBelle
BarristerBelle
10 years ago

Leave! “Can’t. I’m busy”
In-laws bring truck; rough ride home…
Clothes litter highway.

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
10 years ago
Reply to  BarristerBelle

This one cracked me up!

redless
redless
10 years ago

My hubby 20 years, what a dick
Gaslighted me till I’s sick
Couldn’t control his linguica
With a girl named “Theresa”
Now a Nick and Rick, what a prick!

Jordan
Jordan
10 years ago

I was blissfully wrapped in your trance
But then found your mistress from France
Can’t decide between us, you say?
Group sex makes for a better lay?
So I cut out the crotches in your pants

TheSnootyCow
TheSnootyCow
10 years ago

Married your mistress
Did you cheat on her as well?
Divorce Number Two

Danabern7
Danabern7
10 years ago
Reply to  TheSnootyCow

Love it!

Angie
Angie
10 years ago

I couldn’t survive if you went away,
so I spackled, suffered and stayed.
Then you fucked a ho-worker,
Cause I wouldn’t act like your hooker.
And surprise! I found my backbone – Hooray!

The divorce is now finally done.
I am free to be me and have fun!
Heard your first whore has bailed,
And the hook-ups have failed –
I just smile as I bask in the sun.

dani
dani
10 years ago
Reply to  Angie

Oh Angie… these are perfection!

DuckLinerUpper
DuckLinerUpper
10 years ago
Reply to  Angie

Love these!

Psyche
Psyche
10 years ago

You huff and you puff and you bluff:
I’m so weak and you are so tough.
Well, I’ve seen the light,
and am doing what’s right.
Your abuse finally wasn’t enough.

Psyche
Psyche
10 years ago
Reply to  Psyche

edited to add: “weak” in quotation marks to clarify that’s only part of the bluff

Mehphista
Mehphista
10 years ago

Being caught, Mr Fab and the Downgrade,
The trauma and terror were downplayed
The things that they did
Have persuaded his kid
They are truly matched shits of the same shade

DuckLinerUpper
DuckLinerUpper
10 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

Matching glittery turds lol

Angie
Angie
10 years ago

The ink on the divorce papers is dry, barely
The questions start, “Do you miss being married?
With no sex in the night,
is the “frustration real high”
Nope! Just need to hit 5th gear on my Harley.

Angie
Angie
10 years ago
Reply to  Angie

And yes, I do have a Harley. 🙂 by the time I hit 5th gear, who needs a man? lol

kb
kb
10 years ago
Reply to  Angie

My older sister says that just plain old bicycles do this for her. She said this around my mom, who remarked that she felt somehow cheated!

Maybe the Harley is the better option!

Angie
Angie
10 years ago
Reply to  kb

Any motorcycle has good vibrations, if you will. Just something about a Harley. Its freedom, its fun, you can ride when you want, where you want, for as long as you want, as fast or slow as you want – and when you’re done you park it and get off. 😉

Mehphista
Mehphista
10 years ago
Reply to  Angie

Always wanted a motorbike….wanna start a Chump Chapter?

Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
10 years ago

Limerick: A Hate Song
I worried when you cheated, you gave me an STD
So I ran to the gyno at a high rate of speed.
I checked out clean
And divorced you mean
Now I am working on my PhD.

Limerick: A Hate Song II
You left me alone to take care of your house
Even though I was not deeded, I was just your damn spouse.
While repairing your plumbing
I saw something in the crawl space a-running
And it was an effing mouse.

I admit that I was not afraid
It was another float in this fucked up parade.
There was food in your suitcase
As well as left over toothpaste
You always treated me like a maid.

When you walked out, you left dishes in the sink
An uncleaned bathroom with a mucous crusted counter nearly put me over the brink.
Your beard clippings on the commode
And a septic tank about to explode
Your hoarding requires a shrink.

I hauled all your shit to the attic and the rest in that basement den
Apparently I was married to a cheating bastard who wasn’t even housebroken.
As for the mouse
I brought a cat in the house
I knew when I left, you would need a friend,

Who understood all your “nocturnal” needs
And overlook your disgusting misdeeds
You can this mouse Gus
Because your just a cuss
Who never cuts grass or pulls weeds.

I will admit I was sad the day I had to go
It was not long before the neighbors said you moved in with your trusty hoe
I left that house spotless
Because in a matter of time your mess
Would sooner your ass show.

I sleep in on weekends now with one less toilet to scrub
I soak most weeknights with a book in the tub
She married a cheat
Who was not neat
One day she will join the Chump club.

Danabern7
Danabern7
10 years ago

Like

Anonymous this time
Anonymous this time
10 years ago

love the last one 🙂

Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Yeah. I’m still pretty hot about him walking out and leaving dirty dishes in the sink. He could have at least loaded the dishwasher.

kb
kb
10 years ago

Where’s the “Like” button? LMAO!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
10 years ago

DDay was two weeks before Christmas. On Christmas morning, ex handed me some unwrapped “gifts” that he had apparently purchased the night before at the local Rite-Aid.

My gift from drugstore —
Leopard print bedroom slippers.
I hate leopard print.

I had NEVER ONCE worn animal print during our 20 years together, totally not my look. He also handed me two pink, cheap washcloths and a child’s wool winter beanie. Freak.

Regina
Regina
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Probably a gift for you was a second thought after picking up his Penicillin & Viagra! Send them back to him next year, but wipe your ass with them first!

DuckLinerUpper
DuckLinerUpper
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Washcloths and a beanie?! Ugggh.

Nat1
Nat1
10 years ago
Reply to  DuckLinerUpper

Regift!

Susan14
Susan14
10 years ago

It would be hard to pick a winner and it’s only day 1!! Good luck CL!!

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago

Married life that was full of abuse
Why leave when I was of such ‘use’
You got dragged to the Judge
I’m no longer your drudge
It’s time for this girl to cut loose!

Berdawn
Berdawn
10 years ago
Reply to  PattyToo

Fabulous!

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
10 years ago
Reply to  PattyToo

Bravo!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
10 years ago

You claimed the fault belonged to me
That you never reached your destiny
Now you look like a boob
Dancing in videos on YouTube
You’ve become a homeless yeti

Lyn
Lyn
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Ha ha ha! Love it!

DuckLinerUpper
DuckLinerUpper
10 years ago

He’s trying to clean up his mess
Feigning ‘sorry’ to me and the press
Despite his theme song
His odds are quite long
Karma never forgets an address

Little Mighty Me
Little Mighty Me
10 years ago
Reply to  DuckLinerUpper

I LOVE this one!

Daffram
Daffram
10 years ago

There was a chump whose wife he didn’t really know
Behind his back she would often go
Save your tears
I have no fear
Out the damn door you go.

ChumpChange
ChumpChange
10 years ago

I was so nice
You married me twice
You had a fine life
With a beautiful wife
You thought you needed more
So you ran off with a whore
Now you’re with Jill
And need the Blue Pill.

hahaha!~!

CW
CW
10 years ago
Reply to  ChumpChange

Nice!

matilda
matilda
10 years ago

It was just one little mistake
Didn’t think you would mind if our wedding vows I did break
OW threw herself on me, saying “why don’t I be your mistress?—want to try it?”
You were too busy with our kids, work, & the house to feed me my kibble diet
So why not fence sit & eat a little cake?

DuckLinerUpper
DuckLinerUpper
10 years ago

Though he cheated and left me with debt
He’s thinks I’m not over him yet
But I’ll be quite okay
And look forward and pray
For the Tuesday when I get to “meh”

Tink
Tink
10 years ago
Reply to  DuckLinerUpper

Perfect!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
10 years ago
Reply to  DuckLinerUpper

Duck,

You are really, really good at this.

Tara
Tara
10 years ago
Reply to  DuckLinerUpper

like button

Justme52
Justme52
10 years ago
Reply to  Tara

Very good.

Daffram
Daffram
10 years ago

Years ago you said you didn’t believe in divorce
You didn’t say anything about being a whore of course
You cheated and lied
My false reality died
Guess what, I believe in divorce
………………………………………………………………………………….

You say I didn’t treat you special everyday
You say I didn’t treat you like a queen everyday
Your claim is lame
I’m not playing your game
You weren’t even that great of a lay.
…………………………………………………………………………………

Her farts were often and loud
So much so, a teenager would be proud
The blast was steady
I thought your underwear was confetti
Even the dog was wowed.

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
10 years ago
Reply to  Daffram

“Even the dog was wowed.”— hilarious!

DuckLinerUpper
DuckLinerUpper
10 years ago
Reply to  Daffram

What is it with stinky cheaters? Mine farted constantly. Smelled like something died inside of him (his soul?!). It seems like a high proportion of cheater-narcs have stomach issues. Maybe cake doesn’t digest so well….

kb
kb
10 years ago
Reply to  DuckLinerUpper

My cheater has stomach issues, too, though he isn’t prone to flatulence. However, if anyone else happens to let one fly, he makes a big production out of it. I mean, come on, the dog farted, so what? They do that. The cats do, too, and even he does on occasion.

Cake might not digest well, though. For a long time, he was worried about diarrhea. Apparently he really meant constipation, though I’m not sure how one confuses the two….

river
river
10 years ago
Reply to  DuckLinerUpper

I used to tell my XH that his smelled like a dumpster full of rotten kohlrabi. It was extraordinary.

SeeTheLight
SeeTheLight
10 years ago
Reply to  DuckLinerUpper

The farts they did whistle,
while the marriage did fizzle.

Respect me, he did not.
His gas was just another blot.

The playmate I pity, as he is really quite shitty.
But she has earned her place, as he farts in her face.

Because clue-less they be, I am stink-less and free,
and together they continue to rot.

Walking It
Walking It
10 years ago
Reply to  SeeTheLight

Love it

Digbert
Digbert
10 years ago
Reply to  SeeTheLight

ahahahaha 🙂

Justme52
Justme52
10 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

Too funny. LMFAO

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
10 years ago
Reply to  DuckLinerUpper

Yep, my ex has gas that is WAY beyond normal. He thinks it is hilarious to blast out the loudest, longest, smelliest farts, even while sitting at someone’s dinner table, in a movie theaters, out with friends. I’m so glad to be away from that, god. Of course, mine is the guy who sent a half-eaten box of Cream of Wheat to me while our divorce was in process, because he said it gave him gas. Freak.

Doop
Doop
10 years ago

Hooker in my home
While he sleeps, she surfs my web
My home, spouse, bed. Yuck.

(They suck!)

Doop
Doop
10 years ago

After whore he found
his next enabler; told her
“he did it with you,
he will do it to you, too”

Doop
Doop
10 years ago

Gave support, love to
Sir Crazy-Maker Supreme
He took all, I kept esteem.

DuckLinerUpper
DuckLinerUpper
10 years ago

While married, he had it made
Wife, kids, big house, and high pay
Now his job is lost
Insurance? Cut off
Was she really that great of a lay?

ColdTurkey
ColdTurkey
10 years ago
Reply to  DuckLinerUpper

Incredible talent, DuckLinerUpper. You’re a natural! Keep ’em coming…

GiniShamrock
GiniShamrock
10 years ago
Reply to  ColdTurkey

DuckLinerUpper,
That sounds EXACTLY like my ex. He has been out of a job for 5 months. We had it all too, just like you list. Now, it’s all in the crapper.

matilda
matilda
10 years ago

There once was an OW who had striped hair like a skunk
She thought WH was such a hunk
She didn’t care that he was married
His ego kibbles she did feed
Down to the sewer they both sunk.

Justme52
Justme52
10 years ago
Reply to  matilda

My STBX ‘s skank has skunky hair to. Striped and she stinks.

ChumpChange
ChumpChange
10 years ago

To Duck Liner Upper…You are good!!!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago

You tried to pull me down the drain
Then you pointed a gun at my brain
So I put you away in the hospital
You maintained you weren’t responsible
Too bad, you are out in the rain

Doop
Doop
10 years ago

Hooker in my home,
Rehab wuv; child with ‘nother
Me? Finally free.

HadEnough
HadEnough
10 years ago

Your affairs
Were my ticket out
Of hell.
And you wondered why
I didn’t cry.

RobinLee
RobinLee
10 years ago
Reply to  HadEnough

Wish I’d written this one!

Tara
Tara
10 years ago
Reply to  HadEnough

Nice.

Little Mighty Me
Little Mighty Me
10 years ago

Poor sausage, he had a rough life
Stuck with his sick, pregnant wife
Dick too immature
To ever endure
A few weeks without sex every night

Our sausage, he hatched quite a plan
Create drama whenever he can
So she’d give him some space
To spend time face-to-face
With Ms. Whorecunt, who wanted her man

Crush my soul, then run out for a “beer”
Taking “me” time to help his head “clear”
Spend his time “at the bar”
Jerking off in his car
While he sexted one-handed, oh dear

The chump who was me lay crying
Every day feeling like dying
He made me feel crazy
Everything was so hazy
But one thing was sure…he was lying

“I don’t think I love you, I’ve been faking.”
“Sorry if your heart seems to be breaking.”
“But now I need time,
To make up my mind,
Some decisions I need to be making.”

“So, I’m taking off for a few days.
I’ll think my way out of my malaise.
But I can’t do it here
So, please be a dear,
And don’t worry, it’s all just a phase.

A chump is a chump, but she’s bright
Technology fits her just right
“Of course you can go!”
What he didn’t know
His phone had been hacked in the night.

Now Sausage has been shown the door
My God, but he’s gonna be poor
I’ve got the kids AND his truck
And oh YES, the side fuck?
Whorecunt dumped him, ’cause she “deserves more!”

Jode70
Jode70
10 years ago

Wow oh wow. That is awesome 🙂 made my day

Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
10 years ago

Wow, people jerk off while sexting in their cars? I will never borrow someone’s cell phone to make a call again.

Justme52
Justme52
10 years ago

Love this one. You rock.

Little Mighty Me
Little Mighty Me
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

^^^^^^^^^
Writing that was actually a whole lot of fun 🙂

I missed last years contest, having only discovered CL about four months ago (best site and advice EVER, by the way).

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago

That was pretty damn amazing Little Mighty Me! I cracked up. and I’m so glad you have reached the point where I KNOW you are laughing as you write it 🙂

Digbert
Digbert
10 years ago

Wow, that is really awesome!

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
10 years ago

awesome

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago

HaHaHaaaahaha
He got burned!

Jordan
Jordan
10 years ago

Terrible story but amazing poem! Well done.

TJ
TJ
10 years ago

The Douche and The Whore were having lots of fun
They connected, she ” got him”, they basked in the sun
But he forgot who paid his phone bill, must have slipped his mind
His father-in-law unearthed the truth and his family status was immediately redefined
Alas The Whore finished with her game, and she left him in a mad dash
12 years of my happiness, gone in a flash

WildcatChump
WildcatChump
10 years ago

Husband’s mistress was once from Nantucket
She was called, by one and all, Big Butt McFuckit
‘Cause she, just like the arches at McDonald’s say,
serviced two billion men – quite the exponential lay
Yet with her big ass, and husband’s big gut, all she could do was suck it.

Digbert
Digbert
10 years ago
Reply to  WildcatChump

🙂