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And the winner of the Valentine’s Day Contest is….

valentineMy God, chumps, you made this VERY, VERY difficult! The talent! The humor! The snark!

I hate choosing favorites, and yet I like to goad you all into little acts of creative rebellion. So, if I didn’t single you out, take heart — I salute your efforts. Keep at it, we will have more contests. (I’m considering a singer/songwriter one next… stay tuned. See Eddie’s Wing Nut rap below for inspiration.)

Well, without further ado, I am awarding TWO winners (just like last year) because I just couldn’t decide between these awesome limericks.

GPShisDickDuckLinerUpper went on a limerick tear! Check out her multiple submissions. But the one for the win was:

He thought he perfected his tricks
But cell tracking exposed him real quick
His 2 am fuck
Means he’s all out of luck
I’m done GPS-ing his dick

Not to be outdone, beendonengone gives the contest some Southern grit with a twist of karma.

Ya done went an found ya another,
Cos yer home life started to smother.
Now its yer turn to crawl,
Call Jerry Springer, y’all!
Cos I hear she’s been fuckin’ yer brother!

jerry

I love them both for their karma surprises at the end and the simple, yet creative wordplay.

We had a lot of runners up! In the haiku runners up we have:

Chumpalicious

Jesus wants to know
How you do adultery
With a clear conscience

AtomicFireball

Old guy at the bar.
He’s an Irish band groupie!
Thank God I left him.

mzmama

You always told me,
“I’m not going anywhere.”
I guess your dick did…

And the limerick runner up goes to:

Daffram

Years ago you said you didn’t believe in divorce
You didn’t say anything about being a whore of course
You cheated and lied
My false reality died
Guess what, I believe in divorce

You say I didn’t treat you special everyday
You say I didn’t treat you like a queen everyday
Your claim is lame
I’m not playing your game
You weren’t even that great of a lay.


Her farts were often and loud
So much so, a teenager would be proud
The blast was steady
I thought your underwear was confetti
Even the dog was wowed.

In the long-form limerick verse we’ve got runners up Dr. I Can’t Believe I’m a Chump and Little Mighty Me.

Dr. I Can’t Believe I’m a Chump


I worried when you cheated, you gave me an STD
So I ran to the gyno at a high rate of speed.
I checked out clean
And divorced you mean
Now I am working on my PhD.

You left me alone to take care of your house
Even though I was not deeded, I was just your damn spouse.
While repairing your plumbing
I saw something in the crawl space a-running
And it was an effing mouse.

I admit that I was not afraid
It was another float in this fucked up parade.
There was food in your suitcase
As well as left over toothpaste
You always treated me like a maid.

When you walked out, you left dishes in the sink
An uncleaned bathroom with a mucous crusted counter nearly put me over the brink.
Your beard clippings on the commode
And a septic tank about to explode
Your hoarding requires a shrink.

I hauled all your shit to the attic and the rest in that basement den
Apparently I was married to a cheating bastard who wasn’t even housebroken.
As for the mouse
I brought a cat in the house
I knew when I left, you would need a friend,

Who understood all your “nocturnal” needs
And overlook your disgusting misdeeds
You can this mouse Gus
Because your just a cuss
Who never cuts grass or pulls weeds.

I will admit I was sad the day I had to go
It was not long before the neighbors said you moved in with your trusty hoe
I left that house spotless
Because in a matter of time your mess
Would sooner your ass show.

I sleep in on weekends now with one less toilet to scrub
I soak most weeknights with a book in the tub
She married a cheat
Who was not neat
One day she will join the Chump club.

Little Mighty Me

Poor sausage, he had a rough life
Stuck with his sick, pregnant wife
Dick too immature
To ever endure
A few weeks without sex every night

Our sausage, he hatched quite a plan
Create drama whenever he can
So she’d give him some space
To spend time face-to-face
With Ms. Whorecunt, who wanted her man

Crush my soul, then run out for a “beer”
Taking “me” time to help his head “clear”
Spend his time “at the bar”
Jerking off in his car
While he sexted one-handed, oh dear

The chump who was me lay crying
Every day feeling like dying
He made me feel crazy
Everything was so hazy
But one thing was sure…he was lying

“I don’t think I love you, I’ve been faking.”
“Sorry if your heart seems to be breaking.”
“But now I need time,
To make up my mind,
Some decisions I need to be making.”

“So, I’m taking off for a few days.
I’ll think my way out of my malaise.
But I can’t do it here
So, please be a dear,
And don’t worry, it’s all just a phase.

A chump is a chump, but she’s bright
Technology fits her just right
“Of course you can go!”
What he didn’t know
His phone had been hacked in the night.

Now Sausage has been shown the door
My God, but he’s gonna be poor
I
’ve got the kids AND his truck
And oh YES, the side fuck?
Whorecunt dumped him, ’cause she “deserves more!”

And a new form entry! A rap! Complete with sound — check out Eddie’s Wing Nut Rap!

Eddie the WTF dude of 49 days 

Wing Nut Rap

It’s like this it’s like that it’s like that it’s like this
The only time we saw eye to eye is when you were flat on your back
I was making love to you, you were planning your attack

Ring on your finger, vows that meant nothing, plan in motion, half of my money
Wait a minute Chump Nation, this shit aint that funny!

First it was your regret guy then it was Shrek
You lost your job your family your daughter, SW your life is a train wreck

You broke my heart, made me cry turned all the colors in my word blue
But now I’m living my life, hows it working out for you?

Let this be a cautionary tale to all you borderlines, sociopaths, narcissistic wing nuts
all
Whatever you gained in the moment, in the end you all fall

What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and its character you all lack
I’m standing tall and proud with Chump Nation and none of us is ever.. coming.. back.

Peace out (throw mic to the ground)

Clearly, you are a superior bunch of chumps. I will include the cartoons later today (I’ve got to go draw them!) So check back soon and congratulate the winners! And a very HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY to you all!

xoxoxo

Tracy

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • These are awesome and I appreciate the humor on a humorless day…also as Valentines Day was always a trap in the sense that no matter what i did it was never enough I would like to take this moment to extend my middle finger to Halmark, FTD, and Russle Stovers, as I am sitting this one out and happy about it!

    • Cletus,
      We could start a new day. The acronym could be S.A.D. for ‘Single Appreciation Day’!!! Hooray for our Side!!

  • Awesome poetry everyone. Beendonengone. Your southern style made my day yesterday. I’m so glad you were chosen.

    Thanks chump lady. The contest was fab!

    I’m on my own this valentine’s but I’ve been on my own really for years whilst married. This has been the best valentine’s day of my life because I am freeeeeeeeee!!! Yipeeeeeee!!!

    • Yeah, it’s my first Valentine’s Day on my own too. Last Valentine’s Day he met the OW for coffee and brought her a box of chocolates because she didn’t have a Valentine! Poor thing!

      • I’m off to a party tonight. This valentine’s is a celebration of me loving me.
        Denise. He bought her a box of chocs? How original! Stupid fool. This weekend you do something. Get out and DO something! Fuck last year. The time is now!!!! We get to create our own valentine’s traditions and have fun. Do not lament the past. Relish a future of self love. That is what valentine’s day will be for me now. Don’t buy into that whole couples, flowers, dinner, blah blah. Make it yours. Turn this commercial money making day into a thing of Love. Love you. Take you out. Love this new thing we are in. And one day when we are ready, we might even let a special someone into our valentine’s day lovefest. And that, will be a beautiful thing.
        x

        • Ps Denise. Just in case you are a ok I didn’t mean to go all preachy. So sorry if you are at Meh already!!!

        • I had a painter come yesterday to paint the room that was my xh’s office. Now it is all white. I moved my stuff in it last night and started making it mine. Felt like a great thing to do for myself. And the painted comes back tomorrow for another room. Also white. Ah…

    • “the only time we saw eye to eye was when you were flat on your back” Oh, man that is a wonderful line. Since I don’t see any copyright mark, I’m definitely going to twist that around and use it sometime for how the ex and his whore “see eye to eye” LOL! Thanks Eddie!

  • This was so much fun! And the rap keeps evolving. I’m kind of partial to the X rated version!

    Chump Nation how is this for poetic justice. My attorney just called and I’m picking up the last 2k that SW owes me today. On freaking Valentines Day! Oh the irony.

    Peace Out.

  • Cool! Thanks CL for the chance to go nuts writing limericks – most laughs I’ve had in a long time. I couldn’t stop writing, they just kept coming! I guess there’s something about being cheated on just makes me break out in rhyme…. lol Shows how cathartic it is to get out angst with humor, on this site with people who get it.

    I loved reading everyone’s poems and have saved several in my ‘healing journal’. Thank you all, and CL. BTW my divorce is final as of a few weeks ago. I’m glad to spend my first V-day without the ex and his cheap-ass consolation presents (like during his affair but before dday when he tossed me a plastic blooming-mechanical rose from the drug store. Class move, that.) Here’s to a future of meh, for all of us.

  • Great poetry everyone! I loved them and smiled and laughed out loud as I read them.

    Spent today thinking about how loved I am by my sons, my family and my friends. And letting them know that I feel the same towards them!

    Happy Valentine’s Day chumps…..spread the love!

  • Congratulations to the winners! They were all just awesome.

    Today, I received two deliveries – both surprises! Just folks expressing how much they appreciate what I have done for them. What a great day. Even better that I am sooo happy without the cheater ex. If I were still with him, all I could hope (or expect) was a mushy card that he probably picked with his eyes closed. I thought that his cards expressed how he felts about me. Huh. Whoever wrote the card had that love in their hearts and the ex simply pulled out his wallet to pay for it. I don’t think he knew what they meant.

    I love this truth:
    “Love yourself. Value yourself. Consequently, you will not miss those who do not love or value you.”
    http://www.omswami.com/2013/09/how-to-forget-someone.html

  • Ahhhh these were great, you guys are awesomely talented love them all….and Eddie, I have to say your rap is the BEST! Thank you Chumps 🙂

  • This is the first V day that I wasn’t depressed. Because this was the time of year I caught my XH fucking Satan Face at the Econo Lodge Boy, that’s where I would want to have my class act affair. I actually caught them on President’s Day. That be this Monday.

    I knew something was ‘up’ but couldn’t put my finger on it. Things weren’t adding up. Like the week before Valentine’s day he said he wanted to go into the city to get my Valentine’s day present. He said he saw something at a mall in a kiosk at Christmas that he just knew I would LOVE and he wanted to go see if he could fine it again. V day I got a gift certificate for a massage at a place a mile down the road. When I questioned it he said ‘he couldn’t find what he was looking for.’
    Oh yes he did! Satan Face at the Econo Lodge. (That was their love nest)

    He moved away 3000 miles in November to be with her. But get this. He deposited $500 in my checking account today and emailed me to say he had done that and to go buy myself ‘something nice.’ Thank you. I will. But gawd, who the hell are these people???
    I stopped on the way home and bought myself a bottle of expensive Pinot Grigio. Here I am with you fellow chumps. Cheers!

  • All this TALENT and yes I have laughed at every single one of them. Love the rap! Can any body say Chump Comedy Hour? I think I’d pay for a weekend get away if our crowd does the entertainment. Somewhere near a beach maybe? Happy Valentine’s Day.

  • I must apologize for the two typos in my entry. I was so heated up over the housekeeping when I wrote it, my piano fingers were jumping all over the keyboard. I know my “grammer”, so don’t “loose” “you’re” mind over the “typo’s”.

  • Chumpalicious
    “Jesus wants to know
    How you do adultery
    With a clear conscience”
    Ask my STBXH,”blameshifting”
    (Guess it works for all disordered people like him)

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